Ship Simulator

English forum => Small talk => Topic started by: Aad The Pirate on October 06, 2008, 13:32:53

Title: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 06, 2008, 13:32:53
Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys)
How about this one? A new topic with jokes. Maritime's are prefered, but are not obliged.

For those who wishes to add any jokes to this topic:
A few Rules:
Jokes may never contain things like sexuality, rude language like swearing etc.
Jokes must always and with no exception be appropiate and suitable for children from 7 years up.
And last but not least: Discrimination is not and never allowed.  

Violations will be edited, and violaters will be warned by the moderators.


Thanks for understanding and have FUN.


I kick off: What happens when You don't follow the unwritten law "Women and children first?"
See attechment (click to animate)
Regards
Aad

edit>
Rules altered
end edit<
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on October 06, 2008, 14:04:34
Hehe. Good one ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: MrFlappy102 on October 14, 2008, 01:46:16
Well from now on let's make sure women and children first is always followed. I like baing alive and not in the belly of a shark.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on October 14, 2008, 02:49:37
hey i got one:what happens when you put a really big human nose on titanic?






NOSETANIC
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 14, 2008, 11:45:33
hey i got one:what happens when you put a really big human nose on titanic?






NOSETANIC

What happened to the punch line?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: [SJ]Stein on October 14, 2008, 18:45:16
Think it just went "under"  ;D  nice try though.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 14, 2008, 20:14:01
How about this one?

Poem to MOM (or DAD)

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom & Dad, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'
 
______________________________________________
 
Mom's (Dad's) Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts and pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D . Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees? 
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?'


 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 15, 2008, 04:14:49
Luckily, I either don't care for or don't recieve just about all of those things ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 15, 2008, 09:30:48
How about this one?

Poem to MOM (or DAD)

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom & Dad, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'
 
______________________________________________
 
Mom's (Dad's) Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts and pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D . Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees? 
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?'


 




Very droll!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 15, 2008, 12:42:34
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Her's the next one:
http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html 
Turn Your speakers wide open and enjoy
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 15, 2008, 20:36:48
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Her's the next one:
http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html 
Turn Your speakers wide open and enjoy
Regards
Aad

Ho ho!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 17, 2008, 19:00:58
Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys),
Although this topic is no competition, I thought that more than just one member (matt5674) added somthing to it. Well, nobody did. So I give it another try with a riddle.
We can say that Noach was the first sailor with his ark. But what was the biggest mistake (jokewise) he made?
Regards
Aad
<edit The answer is: He forgot to kill those two mosquitoes ;D :D ;D end edit>
Next joker, please
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 18, 2008, 09:34:13
Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys),
Although this topic is no competition, I thought that more than just one member (matt5674) added somthing to it. Well, nobody did. So I give it another try with a riddle.
We can say that Noach was the first sailor with his ark. But what was the biggest mistake (jokewise) he made?
Regards
Aad
<edit The answer is: He forgot to kill those two mosquitoes ;D :D ;D end edit>
Next joker, please


Hohohohohoho
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on October 18, 2008, 10:34:40
An old "what do you get" one

What do you get if you cross Atlantic Ocean with Titanic?




Half way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on October 18, 2008, 10:36:27
What is the difference between a seagull and an Icelandic Bank?



A seagull can still put a deposit on a BMW
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: FOYEN on October 22, 2008, 22:24:04
Joke of the night :   "The Love Story".

Right from the MP.  ;) ;D :D ::)    Enjoy!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 23, 2008, 12:49:45
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Have alook at this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
The german Coastguard was NOT amused ;D
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 24, 2008, 11:49:05
And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 24, 2008, 12:02:27
Hohohoho Aad

Two good ones there - like the coastguard!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 25, 2008, 02:59:33
And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on October 25, 2008, 03:31:36
And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   

Great!  :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: FOYEN on October 25, 2008, 21:01:29
I'm sure, I wasn't drunk!  :o  :D ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 25, 2008, 21:08:10
I'm sure, I wasn't drunk!  :o  :D ;)

Great joke!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: marcstrat on October 25, 2008, 21:14:07
Hoy, guy's
Well, i like the jokes to,however,dont you think this is more for small talk board??
Let me know.
Marc
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on October 25, 2008, 22:56:10
i would think so, doesn't have anything to do with ship sim. i've got my own little story/joke

An old pirate ship is out and the first mate sees a ship and tell the captain, "enemy ship on the horizon" the captain says "ok, bring me my red shirt" so first mate gets the red shirt and they have the battle and no one dies on that ship. Soon after the first mate asks "captain, why did you want a red shirt" captain says "well if i got shot the crew would not notice and they'd keep fighting" 1st mate says "oh thats very brave sir." Next day the first mate says "20 enemy ships on the horizon" captain says "bring me my brown pants"  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on October 25, 2008, 23:38:29
nice! thats hilarious! although, i would never do that myself, th eleast i'd do for my crew is let them go on the life boats and drown by myself ofcourse, but thats about it. I'd want them to help me if i got shot though!
Brown pants...thats histerical;)  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 13:05:23
In fact it's an old one far from WWII. Red pants by Napoleon, Brown pants by Adolf H.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on October 26, 2008, 14:05:49
ok i got one

so there was a lady k.
she was mowing her back yard, when she felt a bump in the grass. She stopped the lawn mower and noticed it was her cat. She ran inside and her sister noticed she was being frantic. So she asked what she was doing the lady responded with," Im going to wal-mart to get my cats tail sewed back on." the sister said," Why Wal-mart?" the lady said," Because they are the biggest Re-tailer in America."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 19:23:15
Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 19:26:52
Nice one, Terry.
This one isn't really a joke, but more like an optical illusion.
Click to animate.
One of the smartest things I've seen lately
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 20:13:55
Nice one, Aad!

Q. Why did the concientious employee put a clock under the table?

A. Because he wanted to work over-time.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 22:10:26
How many letters F do You read here:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on October 26, 2008, 22:34:08
3
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 22:35:23
7
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dave M on October 26, 2008, 22:58:57
6 or 7 if you include this one.
How many letters F do You read here:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 23:04:03
I wasn''t going to give it away....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 23:24:34
Both Terry and Dave are right. Actually the letters must be count in the bold printed area.
BTW, bbydino's answer comes closet to what most people see at the 1rst time. Our brains aren't programmed to read short words like if and of.

And what can we do in this Forum?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 27, 2008, 00:47:51
Nice!

Teach
Learn
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 27, 2008, 01:08:49
Both Terry and Dave are right. Actually the letters must be count in the bold printed area.

Hi Aad. To be precise (and because I love a good discussion), your instructions said "here". So, logically that should include all of the post. Had your name been Mad_Fred, the answer would have been 8, therefore.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2008, 16:14:00
Ahoy Terry,
You're absolutely right. Next time I'll try to be more precise in my 'instructions'.
So, what do You read on the picture in the attachment?
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: FOYEN on October 27, 2008, 16:21:18
Ahoy Terry,
You're absolutely right. Next time I'll try to be more precise in my 'instructions'.
So, what do You read on the picture in the attachment?
Regards
Aad

"OPTICAL ILLUSION"     

Nice one, Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 27, 2008, 22:34:32
Q. What kind of cake do you get at McDonalds?

A. A stomach-cake!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2008, 22:37:37
A joke for tonight:
There's a groupe of creatures who love the sinking of the Titanic so much that they think the movie had a Happy End.
See Attachment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 27, 2008, 22:43:50
That doesn't look like Titanic at all to me.

Muast be some other ship of the same name.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2008, 23:02:34
Ahoy Gigantic,
In Love, War and Jokes everything is allowed.
Regards
Aad
BTW I NEVER stated that this was THE Titanic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 27, 2008, 23:29:43
A joke for tonight:
There's a groupe of creatures who love the sinking of the Titanic so much that they think the movie had a Happy End.
See Attachment
Are you sure? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 28, 2008, 15:57:32
New one:
How does a fish in a fishtank/bowl commits suicide?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Thruster on October 30, 2008, 07:51:58
Is this weird or is it just me?

(http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/54/typicalbt8.png) (http://img508.imageshack.us/my.php?image=typicalbt8.png)

 ;D ;D

Regards,


Thruster
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2008, 14:00:27
Ahoy Thruster,
Weird or not, but jokewise I can't laugh about this ;)
Here's another one:
Always be polite, or else......................................
(Click to enlarge)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Thruster on October 30, 2008, 15:10:59
Ahoy Thruster,
Weird or not, but jokewise I can't laugh about this ;)
Here's another one:
Always be polite, or else......................................

Ok ;)
That one's very funny though... :D
Where do you get all those pics?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 30, 2008, 15:42:53
Ode to a spell checker:

I halve a spilling chucker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2008, 15:57:39
WILD  ;D ;D ;D

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Now, after 10 years or so, you can read it from bottom to the top!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 30, 2008, 17:02:04
Ode to a spell checker:

I halve a spilling chucker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.


WILD

 :P :P :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 31, 2008, 03:53:59
WILD  ;D ;D ;D

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Now, after 10 years or so, you can read it from bottom to the top!!
The trick is the alteration of answers!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 01, 2008, 20:52:57
What sound do turkeys made around Thanksgiving?
See Attachment for the answer (Click to enlarge).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gamefan! on November 01, 2008, 21:49:26
haha loL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2008, 18:33:49
Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 10, 2008, 18:49:02
Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)

Ooh bad joke, not that funny if im honest...sorry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on November 10, 2008, 19:08:02
Got me smiling  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 10, 2008, 19:32:00
Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)

Absolutely hilarious!!!

AAD, did you get that one from Terry?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 10, 2008, 19:37:43
A guy goes into a bar.

He orders a beer, sits at the bar and drinks it.

Then he stands up, and takes a pee, right there at the bar.

So the barkeeper yells out, quite upset; "What the heck are you doing?!?! Are you nuts?!?!"

And the guy's face goes red and he starts mumbling; "Oh my God,.. I'm so embarrassed, I'm so ashamed, please forgive me!

"Yeah, yeah," the barkeeper says "Go on, get outta here, while I clean up your mess!"

So the guy leaves. But a few days later he is back. Orders a beer, sits there for a while, and once again stands up and pees right against the bar.

"What the heck!?" The barkeeper yells.. "Not again!? What's wrong with you.. taking another pee at the bar like that! Do you have some kind of disorder?!"

And the guy again goes red and says "Oh I'm so sorry, I am so ashamed..  I just cannot help myself. I'm so embarassed.."

So the barkeeper continues; "If this is a disorder, then why don't you seek professional help?!"

And the guy says "Yeah, perhaps you are right. I will make an appointment at a psychiatrist, I'll get my head examined, I promiss!"

So months go by, and the guy never shows up in the bar..

But then, one day, there he is again. And the barkeeper recognises him and says; "Good day mate, long time no see, how are you. How did therapy work out for you?"

And the guy says; "It worked like a charm, it was great. I am totally cured, honest!"

So the barkeeper pours in a beer, and says "Well then this one is on the house, cheers!"

The guy says "thanks!" and drinks the beer. But then he suddenly stands up and takes a pee right at the bar... again..

So the barkeeper is puzzled and says; "But I thought you said you were cured?"

And the guy says;  "What?   I am! ....I'm no longer embarassed by it!!!"




...Okay, a poor one perhaps, but I couldn't help myself.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2008, 19:43:29
@MH1:
Nope, didn't get that one from Terry. Does he own a dog?
@ Mad_Fred:
Love that kind of jokes when You can't guess the punch-line.
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 10, 2008, 20:21:40
Ooh bad joke, not that funny if im honest...sorry

I thought it was funny! Good one, Aad.

Here's a slightly cleaner joke:

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A. She couldn't control her pupils!


Q. If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had kids, who would be the biggest of the three?

A. The baby, because he's a little Bigger!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2008, 21:42:49
OK, one more to end the evening:

Test for  Brains
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

Let's find out just how clever you really are...
 
First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
                                                             











Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take her or his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




 


 


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000. Now add 10 . What is the total?



Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... 
Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
 
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?









 



He just has to open his mouth and ask.
It's really very simple. Like you!  :D :D :D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 10, 2008, 21:57:17
Although one might ask why a blind man wanted sunglasses. Was it Stevie Wonder? Or Blind Lemmon Jefferson?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 10, 2008, 22:05:59
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 11, 2008, 01:42:58
A cowboy arrives in a small town and heads for the saloon
Inside it is empty as he goes to the bar and orders a whisky
"You better make it a quick one" says the bartender. "Now's the time Big Al usually comes here for his drink"..
The cowboy finishes his whisky, and is about to leave when suddenly the door bursts open.
In the doorway stands a giant of a man, 6 feet tall, arms as wide as a mans thighs and hands the size of coal shovels.
The building shakes as he lumbers to the bar, where he silently stares at the bartender.
The barkeep nervously fills a bucket with beer from the tap and shakingly sets it before him.
The man grips the bucket with boths hands and downs the beer with one long gulp.
"Do you want another ?"  the bartender asks with trembling voice..
"Nope" is the answer  "I gotta get...Big Al's coming"...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 11, 2008, 02:09:33
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."
HAHAHA

How do you think the user Microsoft will respond to that? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:35:38
A guy goes into a bar.

He orders a beer, sits at the bar and drinks it.

Then he stands up, and takes a pee, right there at the bar.

So the barkeeper yells out, quite upset; "What the heck are you doing?!?! Are you nuts?!?!"

And the guy's face goes red and he starts mumbling; "Oh my God,.. I'm so embarrassed, I'm so ashamed, please forgive me!

"Yeah, yeah," the barkeeper says "Go on, get outta here, while I clean up your mess!"

So the guy leaves. But a few days later he is back. Orders a beer, sits there for a while, and once again stands up and pees right against the bar.

"What the heck!?" The barkeeper yells.. "Not again!? What's wrong with you.. taking another pee at the bar like that! Do you have some kind of disorder?!"

And the guy again goes red and says "Oh I'm so sorry, I am so ashamed..  I just cannot help myself. I'm so embarassed.."

So the barkeeper continues; "If this is a disorder, then why don't you seek professional help?!"

And the guy says "Yeah, perhaps you are right. I will make an appointment at a psychiatrist, I'll get my head examined, I promiss!"

So months go by, and the guy never shows up in the bar..

But then, one day, there he is again. And the barkeeper recognises him and says; "Good day mate, long time no see, how are you. How did therapy work out for you?"

And the guy says; "It worked like a charm, it was great. I am totally cured, honest!"

So the barkeeper pours in a beer, and says "Well then this one is on the house, cheers!"

The guy says "thanks!" and drinks the beer. But then he suddenly stands up and takes a pee right at the bar... again..

So the barkeeper is puzzled and says; "But I thought you said you were cured?"

And the guy says;  "What?   I am! ....I'm no longer embarassed by it!!!"




...Okay, a poor one perhaps, but I couldn't help myself.  ;D

He he that is quite good...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:37:27
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."

That is brilliant (No offence to Microsoft there). It would have been even truer if it were for BT.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:38:24
A cowboy arrives in a small town and heads for the saloon
Inside it is empty as he goes to the bar and orders a whisky
"You better make it a quick one" says the bartender. "Now's the time Big Al usually comes here for his drink"..
The cowboy finishes his whisky, and is about to leave when suddenly the door bursts open.
In the doorway stands a giant of a man, 6 feet tall, arms as wide as a mans thighs and hands the size of coal shovels.
The building shakes as he lumbers to the bar, where he silently stares at the bartender.
The barkeep nervously fills a bucket with beer from the tap and shakingly sets it before him.
The man grips the bucket with boths hands and downs the beer with one long gulp.
"Do you want another ?"  the bartender asks with trembling voice..
"Nope" is the answer  "I gotta get...Big Al's coming"...

He he, good one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:45:39
Ok, how bout this:

Over in LA, its been a really rainy day, and David and Victoria Beckham have spent the whole day watching TV. At 6pm the news comes on, and there is a feature about a man bundgy jumping off a bridge. The guy does it perfectly and all is well.
At 10pm, the news comes on again, and once again there is the feature about the man bundgy jumping off the bridge. Victoria says to david,
'David, I bet you $1000 that that man will jump off that bridge' and so david says
'Ok, I bet you $1000 that he wont jump off the bridge'
And so of course the man jumps off the bridge, and David gives Victoria the $1000. But Victoria rejects it saying
'Oh sorry david, I cheated, I saw it on the 6pm news and I knew he jumped, keep the money'
But David says
'Oh well, I cheated aswell see, because I saw it on the 6pm news aswell and I didn't think he'd do it again!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 12, 2008, 06:16:06

   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 12, 2008, 08:14:34
Did you hear about the Irish man that got struck by lightning?

He thought he was having his photograph taken :D

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 12, 2008, 09:59:20
   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D
 
 

Great one!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 12, 2008, 10:12:00
News just in:

Microsoft today unveiled the holographic imaging capabilities of Windows 7, with alarming results.

During a demonstration of the holographic projection system, the animated paperclip from Office 2000 leapt to life and attacked everyone in the room while screaming "I didn't ask for this job! It makes me seems such a jerk!". Two hundred people were injured.

In the meanhwile ten of the Windows 7 development team suffered heart attacks upon learning that someone has actually managed to install Office 2000 on a Windows 7 platform.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 12, 2008, 17:12:33
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
That one is, in just one word, AMAZING.
http://users.telenet.be/kixx/
click the link and please, DON'T maximize the screensize by clicking.
You'll see why. Have fun
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 12, 2008, 17:29:41
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
That one is, in just one word, AMAZING.
http://users.telenet.be/kixx/
click the link and please, DON'T maximize the screensize by clicking.
You'll see why. Have fun
Regards
Aad
Ahoy AAD

Great one that!!!!


Rgds

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 13, 2008, 17:14:48
   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D
 
 

He he, I like that
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on November 13, 2008, 17:48:03
Hehe.
Very funny video :D
OMG :D :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:15:29
If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia
Note: This is not typical behavior of all Southern people - do not interpret as such.
1.   Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2.   Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3.   Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4.   Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5.   Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6.   The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7.   Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8.   Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9.   PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10.   Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11.   Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12.   Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver.
13.   "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14.   Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15.   Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16.   "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17.   One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18.   "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."
19.   Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road just yonder".
20.   Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 13, 2008, 22:17:43
A|A. Y must u always post like u r a moderator? i dont know how old u r, but u really need to loosen up. this topic is about JOKES!
 >:(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:19:02
What are you on about?

That is clearly funny.

Austin, I laughed out loud with that one!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:21:09
Thanks terry. My mom found that one. She had a good laugh at your pilot/microsoft support joke. Even took it to a meeting on campus!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:23:37
This one isn't really a joke, but it came from the "Darwin Awards" (a site that lists ways in which stupid people have stopped themselves from breeding, thereby improving humanity a little)

Quote
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached.

It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.

They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

As far as I can find out, this was a genuine report.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 13, 2008, 22:27:25
 
   â€œIf Microsoft were located in Georgia -

     * Still laughing ..! *

     :D  &nd * wiping eyes *
  Thet’s jis funny rot’thar – I don’t care warr you’re frum – thet’s a funny joke rot’thar..!
  Git ‘er done!
 
 
   P.S.  &nd Microsoft Winders Auto-Updater would automatically direct your Winders ‘Splorer to MapQuest with the nearest Wal-Mart marked out with a red X.
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:27:56
HAHA

Microsoft Announces New, Configurable Blue Screen of Death!
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"

A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent
departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that GNU/Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:29:54
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:32:20
Microsoft Keyboard revealed!
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:

    1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
    2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
    3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
    4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
    5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
    6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
    7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.



Baby Gates
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26, at 6:11 pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone can produce one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.



Air conditioning
Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 13, 2008, 22:40:47
 
   â€œYOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......”
 
 * You ask if he’s passed the bar, he hiccups and slurs – “..nah’f I kin help it – ‘n nah’f … nah’f you pay me uh’front…”
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:46:20
August 24th: Day of Ruin

    * MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD
    * Fall of Rome, 410 AD
    * British Burn D.C., 1812
    * Windows 95 Released, 1995



"I'd say the probability of Windows containing a backdoor is about
the same a spreadsheet containing a flight simulator." -- Phil Hunt



Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.



- Brussels police department, how may I assist you?
- Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
- Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
- No
- Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?
- Bill Gates
- Country?
- The USA
- Native language?
- English.
- Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?
- Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
- We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
- Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie.
- Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
- Yes
- Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
- No
- Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
- Yes
- Any pies then?
- No
- Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait.
- Just a minute.." (several minutes pass) "Okay, I'm back.
- Did you get hit by another pie?
- Of course not
- Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department.

(Support Desk)



No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1.They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:51:49
General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
2. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
3. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
4. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
5. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
6. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
7. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".
8. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year- instead of before it.
9. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
10. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
14. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
15. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
16. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
17. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
18. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
18b. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
19. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
20. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.

(This deserves a new post right?)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:53:03
ERROR:

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's a hardware problem.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:54:49
ERROR:

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's a hardware problem.

Oh sorry, typo. My microsoft spell checker didn't pick that one up.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 23:06:42
Oh sorry, typo. My microsoft spell checker didn't pick that one up.

This is the Hardware support section.

The problem you have described is a software problem. This support contract does not cover actions required to remedy spill chucker problimz.

*click*
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 23:08:14
Two small boys, were talking one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 23:22:21
Two small boys, were talking one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.



HAHA!!! Honest lawyer... Yeah right.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: captseaton on November 14, 2008, 18:53:06
If we are doing Microsoft jokes:

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.



The corniest nautical joke ever told:
Why are portholes on a boat or ship round?!?



So when you open them...the water doesn't hit you square in the face.  ::)

Begin Groaning...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 14, 2008, 19:10:26
One for the weekend:


The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Stupid, stupid man...

Have a good one
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 14, 2008, 19:33:36
One for the weekend:


The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Stupid, stupid man...

Have a good one
Aad

That is brilliant, and so true
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 14, 2008, 20:02:19
Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Ghengis Khan, and a lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 14, 2008, 20:29:46
I would shoot myself.... I am in the middle of an island....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on November 14, 2008, 21:02:26
A Traffic island
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 14, 2008, 21:04:57
The Murphy twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.

'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'

'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.

'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'

---------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'
'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'
'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'

-------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all grew up in The Gaeltacht and never learned to speak English. One day they went to Dublin and The Englishman heard a man saying, 'We three,' so he went around all day saying, 'We three'. The Scotsman heard a man saying 'For The want of money', so he went around all day saying, 'For The want of money'. The Irishman heard a man saying 'We well deserve it', so he went around all day saying, 'We well deserve it'.
That evening as they were making their way home they came across a dead man lying on The ground. A policeman came up to them and said 'Who killed this man?'
'We three,' said The Englishman.
'Why did you do it?' asked The policeman.
'For The want of money,' said The Scotsman.
'You'll all go to jail,' said The policeman.
'We well deserve it,' said The Irishman.

------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'


Jack.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 15, 2008, 09:14:02
New Mac platform revealed!

Now with even more pointless freezes, fewer games, and more fans that just don't know when to shut the heck up!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 15, 2008, 09:31:51
New Mac platform revealed!

Now with even more pointless freezes, fewer games, and more fans that just don't know when to shut the heck up!

Lol, your starting to sound like terry. :p
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 15, 2008, 11:38:44
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.
That's terrific,' said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?'
'In The Sahara Desert,' said The Irishman.
'But there aren't any trees in The Sahara Desert,' said The foreman.
'Not now there aren't!,' said The Irishman.

Jack :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 15, 2008, 20:27:00
No comment on this one.
As always: Click to enlarge
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 15, 2008, 23:19:08
Some REALLY good mac jokes:

What's the difference between a MAC and a bucket of cow****?
Three pounds and a Gameboy screen

What's the difference between a brontosaurus and a Mac?
A brontosaurus runs faster.

What's the difference between ** and a Mac?
Most ** isn't gray.

How do you make your Mac go faster?
Drop it from a higher window.

Why aren't more Mac owners computer literate?
They would be, if they had a computer.

What do you do with an obsolete Mac?
Whatever you do, don't pick it up off the store shelf and buy it!

How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to consult the manual that came with it, one to call tech-support, and two to sit and wait for the 'Smiley Face' to appear and say 'Welcome to Macintosh'.

* Edited - Mad_Fred;  If you have to allready censor it yourself, maybe better think of a synonimous word that is permitted!

** Supplementary edit by Terry for same concerns as Fred, above

*** Additional edit by Fred: DOH!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 17, 2008, 18:16:49
One for IRI5HJ4CK

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 17, 2008, 19:04:19
One for IRI5HJ4CK

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

haha, thats a good one :D ;D

Here's another joke from me

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in charge of a hospital for The disabled, and one day they were showing a millionaire around The place in The hope of getting a large donation from him.

The Englishman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £50,000.'

The Scotsman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms or legs. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £100,000.'

The Irishman took him into a ward where there was a bed with just a single tooth lying on The pillow.
'Oh my God,' gasped The millionaire, 'is that all that's left of The poor fellow?'
'Worse still,' said The Irishman, 'he's having that tooth out tomorrow.'

Jack :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 17, 2008, 19:13:15
This is the far out worse kind of discrimination I ever heard off.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 17, 2008, 19:16:10
 ;D

Good one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 17, 2008, 20:19:34
Jack

That was great. How about this one for a totally non-discriminatory joke?



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick chaps like you that give us Irish a bad name!

I'd come over there & kick the hell out of you if I could swim!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 17, 2008, 22:09:40
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Thought you might get a couple of giggles out of the incredible stupidity of people around the world !!

Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!  Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are jokes, and the questions are hilarious;but sadly, the questions were really asked.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

(Nothing personal)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 17, 2008, 22:16:49
Jack

That was great. How about this one for a totally non-discriminatory joke?



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick chaps like you that give us Irish a bad name!

I'd come over there & kick the hell out of you if I could swim!'


I've heard that one told as a blond joke. I've got a few blond jokes and i've got nothing against them as i'm blond too :P

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
___________________________________________
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
(one of my favs ;D)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 17, 2008, 23:25:41
Simple one for the end of the day::

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 18, 2008, 03:19:08
* Edited - Mad_Fred;  If you have to allready censor it yourself, maybe better think of a synonimous word that is permitted!

** Supplementary edit by Terry for same concerns as Fred, above

*** Additional edit by Fred: DOH!  ;D
Now THAT is funny! ;D

Also, Fred, you mispelled "already", "synonymous", and "d'oh"!

unless those are UK spellings :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 18, 2008, 03:50:50
id edit that post if i were u
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 18, 2008, 03:52:27
id edit that post if i were u
Yeah, wth is better.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 18, 2008, 04:10:37
yes, and if a mod sees that [slides hand over throat] "clhhghgh" your DEAD!
just kidding, they'll probably bann u though
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 18, 2008, 08:23:05
It's been seen.

Gentlemen, the level of language here has reduced to that of swamp hogs after eating too much cabbage. If you can't show Aad more respect than this, I will have to choose one of two options:

1) I could lock this thread.

2) I could ban people who post swear words in this thread

Now, I enjoy most of the posts here, so I swon't take option 1. So that leaves....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 18, 2008, 10:20:34
   :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 18, 2008, 11:33:00
Great one SD

Here's another

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2008, 12:37:23
And here comes: "Little Johnny"

A grade school teacher in Alberta asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried. 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2008, 15:15:40
This is a MUST HAVE DONE
 
> > 1. go to Google  http://www.google.co.uk/
> > 2. type Miserable failure ,
> > 3. click on I feel lucky
> > 4. ............great, isn't it?
> > 5. forward it before Google noticed...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 18, 2008, 17:26:11
Already gone.... Google unbombed G W's place.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 18, 2008, 17:28:01
And here comes: "Little Johnny"

A grade school teacher in Alberta asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried. 

lol, thats very good
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on November 18, 2008, 17:36:25
This is a MUST HAVE DONE
 
> > 1. go to Google  http://www.google.co.uk/
> > 2. type French Military Victories,
> > 3. click on I'm feeling lucky

They haven't done this one yet
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 18, 2008, 17:45:54
They haven't done this one yet

There is no 'I'm feeling lucky' there???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on November 18, 2008, 17:46:32
The button next to google search
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 18, 2008, 17:51:35

   Funny …  No-one’s yet told Google of Austerlitz.
 
  Well, it may be pardonable, in less than one month, it will have only been two hundred and three years since…
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 18, 2008, 17:59:42
I really did fall off my chair, laughing at that one!  ;D  ;D  :)  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2008, 21:42:12
UPS vs FedEx
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Tavares Junior on November 19, 2008, 14:04:20
Does anyone knows the difference betwen a LIGHTER and ASS? If not watch out when somebody ask you for a lighter  :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 19, 2008, 18:14:31
This one is a bit corny, but maybe still good for a few laughs.. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 19, 2008, 18:39:46
Very corny!!


 ;D ;D ;D ;D
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 19, 2008, 19:47:02
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Does the backside of Your Computer-system looks like the picture?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 19, 2008, 20:18:02
Far worse, they are learners

 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 19, 2008, 21:34:49
Nope, ive got a laptop! although there are many cords running through the sides.
sorry i dont have a ny jokes, im not that creative  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 19, 2008, 21:46:58
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 19, 2008, 21:56:31
 ;D

Good one. It kinda reminds me of that guy that came towards me on the street, the other day, yelling and waving at me. Then when he was close he saw that he made a mistake and said "Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else!" And I said; "I am!"  :)

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 19, 2008, 22:00:02
quick thinking, Fred.. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 19, 2008, 22:14:14
I do have clear moments too...  ;D

I cherish them these days, since they are few and far between.  ;)


Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 19, 2008, 23:07:43
HUH???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 19, 2008, 23:49:04
How about this?


Click to view
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bsm2003 on November 20, 2008, 00:02:21
How about this?


Click to view


That's hilarious.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 20, 2008, 03:04:05
lol, how about this one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 20, 2008, 03:47:10
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 20, 2008, 08:29:41
How about this?


Click to view


hahahaha! Best one yet!!! :D :D

Here's another one from me:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe.

Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe.

The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe.

The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that!' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe!'

Jack ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 20, 2008, 12:17:11
Another roadsign
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 20, 2008, 12:31:39
How about this one??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 20, 2008, 13:20:34
Another sign where somebody raped the English language
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 20, 2008, 17:44:25
What about these:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 20, 2008, 17:48:55
And this:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 20, 2008, 17:50:13
 :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 20, 2008, 17:52:31
:D :D ;D lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 20, 2008, 20:46:41
How about this facts of live?

Don't laugh ... it's all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or there already!   

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 20, 2008, 21:19:07
To put it in such large print is just silly..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 20, 2008, 21:31:52
ok heres some stupid signs/ screwups :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 20, 2008, 21:52:50
To put it in such large print is just silly..

No, that was part of the joke. DOH!  ::)  ;D

Aad: I loved it!  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 20, 2008, 22:23:35
How about this facts of live?

Don't laugh ... it's all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or there already!   

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Regards
Aad

Can't read it, can you make it bigger??

 ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 21, 2008, 18:21:31
How good is YOUR szpeling??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 21, 2008, 18:39:48
He he, they are good ones
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 22, 2008, 16:13:04
This is a strange and surprising thing

1. Click on this link: http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
2. Enter Your Christian Name in the first line

3. Enter Your Family Name in the second line

don't enter Your email address

4. Click on 'Vizualizar' lean back and watch what's going to happen.

Don't ask me how it's done, but it's fun

<edit
This link isn't valid anymore
end edit>
 
  
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 22, 2008, 17:07:33
Very good!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: serkan on November 22, 2008, 17:18:16
http://www.cgarena.com/videos/commercials/swf/fedex.html   :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 22, 2008, 19:38:32
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 22, 2008, 20:50:00
Now that's a stupid sign
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 24, 2008, 10:38:45
I don't suppose the driver thought it was funny!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: trains on November 25, 2008, 03:20:49
Got a Jeff Dunham one. Involves Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Knock Knock.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 11:58:43
Got a Jeff Dunham one. Involves Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Knock Knock.

AND??

Another crazy driver....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 25, 2008, 13:09:55
AND??

Mike,

You're supposed to say "Who's there?".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 13:12:02
Mike,

You're supposed to say "Who's there?".

Terry

I did, shouted it aloud several times and no one answered!! The wife's out and home alone!!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 25, 2008, 15:08:49
Got a Jeff Dunham one. Involves Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Knock Knock.
What a Joke  :) ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 16:45:10
New one then:

Husband comes home from Church,
Greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

 

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

 

Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens..."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 25, 2008, 23:31:56
New one then:

Husband comes home from Church,
Greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

 

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

 

Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens..."


ROTFLOL!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 25, 2008, 23:42:32
The ticket
A traffic-cop stops a car on the highway.
"Good day, sir, we registered Your speed at 90 m/h and on this part of the road ther's a limit of 65m'h."
The driver reacts: "But that's impossible, officer, I had the cruise-control on at 60 m/h, maybe Your radar equippment is out of order?" 

The drivers wife, sitting next to him dosn't even stop knitting while she says: "Don't be silly, honey. You know that this car don't has a cruise control".

While the ticket is been written, the driver says between his teeth: "Why can't You hold Your mouth, just for once". 
His wife, still smiling: Be happy that Your radar-Detector was not on.

While the second ticket is written for that illegal detector the guy looks at his wife and grows: Do me a big favour and SHUT UP.

The officer frowns and is noticing that the driver isn't wearing his safety-belt.

The driver explains that he just did the belt off for reaching in his hip-pocket for his drivers licence.

His wife says: "But honey, You know better than me that You never wear that belt".

While the third ticket is been written the driver almost explodes while shouting to his wife: Why don't you put Your foot in that big hole of You that You call a mouth". 

The officer looks at the woman and asks: Does he always talk to You like that, madam?

She replies: "Oh no, officer, only when he's drunk".
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 23:48:04
ROTFLOL

Here's a sort of sing a long with Ray Stevens

'If I get stuck on you'

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/SOY.htm
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 26, 2008, 22:10:47
Ok heres one:

A rich businessman leaves his home one day for work. However hes forgotten his lunch so he rings home so that his wife can drop it off for him. When he rings, he gets through to the maid, and so he asks the maid where his wife is. She replies: 'She's upstairs in her bedroom with a man, I hink tis her husband'
'But Im her husband' replied the businessman. The businessman is angry, He thinks his wife is having an affair. so he asks the maid 'How would you like to make £25,000?'
The maid says 'sure, what do I have to do?'
'Go up there and kill the pair of them' So the maid kills the wife and the man, and returns to the phone.
'What shall I do with the bodies?' asks the maid
'dump them in the swimming pool' Replies the businessman
'But you dont have a swimming pool' replied the maid,
'hang on have I got the right number?'......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 26, 2008, 22:30:43
LOL..Good one.. :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 27, 2008, 00:09:53
Ok heres one:

A rich businessman leaves his home one day for work. However hes forgotten his lunch so he rings home so that his wife can drop it off for him. When he rings, he gets through to the maid, and so he asks the maid where his wife is. She replies: 'She's upstairs in her bedroom with a man, I hink tis her husband'
'But Im her husband' replied the businessman. The businessman is angry, He thinks his wife is having an affair. so he asks the maid 'How would you like to make £25,000?'
The maid says 'sure, what do I have to do?'
'Go up there and kill the pair of them' So the maid kills the wife and the man, and returns to the phone.
'What shall I do with the bodies?' asks the maid
'dump them in the swimming pool' Replies the businessman
'But you dont have a swimming pool' replied the maid,
'hang on have I got the right number?'......
hehe :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 27, 2008, 03:01:57
ok i've got another blonde joke (no offence against blondes, as i'm one too, but these jokes are too funny to pass up)

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 27, 2008, 08:38:27
ok i've got another blonde joke (no offence against blondes, as i'm one too, but these jokes are too funny to pass up)

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.


hahahaha :D

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack :D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 27, 2008, 11:57:19
hahahaha :D

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack :D



ROTFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 27, 2008, 21:04:36
hahahaha :D

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack :D


I heard a blonde joke similar to that.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: trains on November 28, 2008, 02:57:20
Been too busy to finish it. So Terry said "who's there?"

Answer: Me . I kill you.

Anyone wanna see the joke let me know. I'll find the video. It's better to hear it that way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 28, 2008, 04:21:20
hey everyone, check out the Macys Thanksgiving day Parade (but theres a joke in it ;D) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWw46X-83xs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWw46X-83xs)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Captain on November 28, 2008, 04:38:08
Here is one that I really laughed at ;D:

2 Jews go into a Mexican resturant and each order a drink. One says" You know, there are a lot of Jewish people out there, but I wonder if there are any mexican Jews..."

"Maybe, but I don't know. Why don't you ask our waiter?

"Good idea!"
 So the waiter comes and the one man asks him-" Do you know if there are any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says" Let me go ask in the back room" So the waiter comes back with an answer." No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is sure there must be some and asks again" Are you shure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter goes and check in the back again and he says" No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is defiant and askes once more" Are you sure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter is fed up with the question and finnally says-

"NO! THERE IS NO MEXICAN JEWS! We have fruit jews, prune jews, carrot jews, apple jews, BUT NO MEXICAN JEWS!!!!"

How did you all like that one ;D?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 28, 2008, 12:47:43
it was ok ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 16:09:58
Here is one that I really laughed at ;D:

2 Jews go into a Mexican resturant and each order a drink. One says" You know, there are a lot of Jewish people out there, but I wonder if there are any mexican Jews..."

"Maybe, but I don't know. Why don't you ask our waiter?

"Good idea!"
 So the waiter comes and the one man asks him-" Do you know if there are any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says" Let me go ask in the back room" So the waiter comes back with an answer." No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is sure there must be some and asks again" Are you shure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter goes and check in the back again and he says" No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is defiant and askes once more" Are you sure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter is fed up with the question and finnally says-

"NO! THERE IS NO MEXICAN JEWS! We have fruit jews, prune jews, carrot jews, apple jews, BUT NO MEXICAN JEWS!!!!"

How did you all like that one ;D?
Well, It was creative. ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 16:38:59
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he  could hardly speak.

Prior to the mass he asked the monsignor what to do about his nerves.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about  getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the  water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and  took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he  found the following note on the door:

1)Sip the  vodka, don't gulp.

2)There are 10  commandments, not 12.
 
3)There  are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus  was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob  wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)We do  not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The  Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)David  slew Goliath; he did not kick the Poo out of him.

9)When  David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big  T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he  said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat  me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the  Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:  Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling  contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Have a jolly Week End
Aad

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2008, 16:51:51
A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," explains the blonde. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 28, 2008, 17:23:42
Another blonde joke, Im sorry:

What is a blondes idea of safe sex in a car?
Locking the door!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2008, 17:27:09
And another:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of hearing that blondes are all stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home from work at 5:30 pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He goes over and asks her if she is okay?

She replies, "Yes, I'm okay." Then the husband notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her what she is doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

The husband then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. The blonde replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 28, 2008, 17:33:14
And another:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of hearing that blondes are all stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home from work at 5:30 pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He goes over and asks her if she is okay?

She replies, "Yes, I'm okay." Then the husband notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her what she is doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

The husband then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. The blonde replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats."



That is awesome
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 28, 2008, 20:51:23
AHAHAHA!

And that doesn't violate forum rules?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 21:14:47
One for the weekend
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 28, 2008, 23:14:41
Hello everyone,

Just a friendly note here;

Some of the jokes in this thread might contain a bit stronger language than we usually allow.

In the context of a joke some of the words might be forgivable, when it also means something else, like an ass being a donkey, and such. But 'excrement' (s***) can also be described with a nicer word perhaps, and things like that.

So please gentlemen, if you can avoid certain words and sexual innuendo, it might be better suited for or younger members.

No one person or joke in particular, but I just noticed that the humorous tone in this topic loosened up the language a bit, and well, even here we have to keep to the 'normal standards' I think.

Thanks very much for your understanding and cooperation!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 28, 2008, 23:25:49
Hi Fred.

I think we're overlapping again (see above)....



What did one ear say to the other ear?
Between us we have brains!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 23:30:03
Heres a joke,

When do you know Terry is not in his Natrual Habatat?






WHen hes not in a Marmite Factory smearing marmite all over him! hehe...Made that one myself...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 28, 2008, 23:35:39
What word is always pronounced wrong?
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 V
Wrong.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:39:33
Hoy, guy's
Well, i like the jokes to,however,dont you think this is more for small talk board??
Let me know.
Marc
No Joke, but finally today, after more than a month, someone got the message.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 23:41:22
Ok so, A rooster lays and egg right on the peak of a roof. What side of the roof does the egg go down?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:42:29
My guess is NO SIDE, rooster's eggs are a bit to sticky to glide.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 23:44:35
My guess is NO SIDE, rooster's eggs are a bit to sticky to glide.
Nope, It is NO SIDE, But not for that reason ROOSTERS Don't lay eggs. He he.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:49:00
Read my answer again. The things roosters lay are a bit sticky, aren't they? And those things are sometimes egg-shaped, although they are a lot smaller.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:52:19
If You have nothing else to do in the weekend, You can try them 101 all out, or the 102 if You prefer.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 29, 2008, 00:44:42
Hi Fred.

I think we're overlapping again (see above)....


Yeah I noticed.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 10:50:53
Here's a nice quiet Saturday joke:

Blonde: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Blonde: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name'."

Tech Support: "Okay, so type in your last name."

Blonde: "How do you spell that?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on November 29, 2008, 17:30:43
Ha ha ha MH1.

That was a good joke :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 17:32:21
Here's another:

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 29, 2008, 18:25:12
(http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f225/JonDavis24/Funny/IrishVirus.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 18:41:23
Nice one Jack:

Here's an Irish joke for you:

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
"Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant.
"Don't tell me they've gone electric,"said the Englishman.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 29, 2008, 21:42:06
Nice one Jack:

Here's an Irish joke for you:

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
"Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant.
"Don't tell me they've gone electric,"said the Englishman.

I don't get it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on November 29, 2008, 22:23:16
Quote
I don't get it.

Nah!  It's just MH1 giving a plug for his brand of humour!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 29, 2008, 22:26:00
I don't get it.
A plug is what you put in the hole in the sink to keep all the water from escaping. He thought he meant plug as in what is put in an electrical outlet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 29, 2008, 22:55:30
A plug is what you put in the hole in the sink to keep all the water from escaping. He thought he meant plug as in what is put in an electrical outlet.
Ah...My sink doesn't have one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 23:19:13
Try this one then?

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hilobude123 on November 30, 2008, 01:57:15
I tried not to laugh,..... ;D It did'nt work so well! ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 30, 2008, 09:39:54
Hahaha All good jokes Mike, I liked the joke you posted before too! I'll post another one in a bit.

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 30, 2008, 10:44:26
Jack

Here's another one while we are waiting:

Mike

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 30, 2008, 11:53:37
Great one Mike! :D

An old man and a young man fished together on a regular basis. One day the old man had a jar of peanuts by his side. The young man loves peanuts but the old man did not offer him any.

After a time and while the old man was looking the other way, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. Eventually the young man, feeling guilty, confesses to taking the peanuts. "That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the Peanut M&Ms."

Jack :D
p.s. Here's another one ;D

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate; " it was me first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 30, 2008, 12:08:49
Nice one Jack, great for AAD!!

Here's another:

How much for an advert

'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Murphy.
'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Murphy.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 01, 2008, 09:52:24
Great one again Mike :D

An Irishman had been found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.

'Have you any last request?' asked the prison warden.

'Yes,' replied the Irishman. 'Would you hold my hand when I go?'


Jack ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 10:45:50
Good one Jack!!

Here's another for Monday:

'I called my son David,' said the Welshman, 'because he was born on St David's day.'
'Ay and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.'
'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did the same with my son Pancake!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2008, 11:59:39
U R G E N T
This is an annoucment from the Department of Common Health:
Never swallow chewing gum.
The consequences could be desastrous !!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 13:36:42
LOL Shipmate

Can't match that one, try this:


"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."  
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 17:36:04
Hehehehehe.

Now a Welsh one!


Punishment Saudi Arabian Style
A Welshman, an Australian and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Welshman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Englishman to my back."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 01, 2008, 18:15:55
Nice one :D I was laughing for quite a while there :D

Paddy finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "You have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like?"

Paddy scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted Paddy" said the Genie and produced the bottle. Paddy was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.

He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes Paddy, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 18:17:03
Nice one 2 Jack....

Maiden flight
It was the maiden flight of the new Jumbo Jet 747-400. Mr and Mrs Murphy had been lucky enough to get seats aboard. There they sat, in comfortable seats, with not a care in the world, as the captain of the plane addressed the passengers on the tannoy.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this beautiful aeroplane. It was built by the finest technology the world has ever seen - it is a miracle of modem engineering!'

Pat Murphy smiled at Molly with pride and joy in his eyes as the pilot went on:

'On your left you can see the full-size cinema aboard. On your right is the bowling alley. Below you, downstairs, is the Olympic-size swimming pool and race track. Over your heads, one floor up, is the bar, disco and restaurant.'

Happily the Murphys began to relax, just as they heard the captain conclude by saying:

'So if you'd all like to sit back and take it easy I'll try and get this thing off the floor!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 01, 2008, 23:56:15
Sorry, Master Captain.

Your joke crossed the bounds of decency. As Fred had already warned about this earlier, I have deleted your post.

Gentlemen, please ensure that your jokes are suitable for 7 year old children. Any "jokes" with obscene or sexual references will get you into trouble.

Please also be careful about religious or racial stereotypes.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 02, 2008, 00:09:00
whoops :-[  heres a nice squeaky clean one
 From the WordPerfect Help Desk   
 
  This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Its long, but pretty funny ;D

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: trains on December 02, 2008, 03:44:24
That's rich.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 02, 2008, 16:45:24
Hi Jack.

Some of the expletives come very close to the mark. I'm not personally offended (nothing anyone says could top some of the filthy jokes I learned from my Mum or my Gran!), but people can take exception to what they perceive as blasphemy or racial stereotypes.

So, the English, Irish, Mulim, Jewish type jokes are probably not a good idea. Nor the ones where people use Irish stereotypical expressions.

I really don't want to issue a set of guidelines, but please use your discretion!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 02, 2008, 16:53:54
Ok, Thats fair enough Terry, its just a shame that things are the way they are nowerdays with some people taking offence to such jokes (Not aiming that at you by any means-I know you have a sence of humour :D). But I understand that you can't afford to take that chance with most of the previous Irish jokes etc.

Thanks for letting me know,
Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 02, 2008, 17:21:55
Amsterdam Cats

A couple's car broke down outside a pet shop and while they were waitig for the RAC man they looked in the window. There was a sign that said : Amsterdam Cats.

The couple entered the shop as they had previously been Cat breeders and had never heard of Amsterdam Cats. They looked around the store for a while until the store assistant was free. Then the man of the relationship walked over to the man behind the counter and said :

How Dutch Is That Moggy In The Window?

The shop assistant fell of his chair with laughter but the man didnt realise what he had said until after he left the shop and he too fell about in fits of laughter.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 02, 2008, 17:25:51
It's saturday morning and a G.P. (family docter) discovers that there is a lot of water in his basement. So, he calls a plumber to fix it a.s.a.p.
The plumber asks the G.P. if he can't wait till after the weekend, but the G.P. will not take NO for an answer.
So, half'n'hour later the plumber is at the G.P.'s address. The doc opens the door to the basement and indeed, ther's a lot of water. He asks the doc' for a couple of Apirines. The doc' , not really understanding the reason, still goes upstairs and returns with the pills and hands them over to the plumber while asking: "You need some water too?"
The plumber answers: "No, water enough," throws the pills into the water in the basement, turns to the doc and speaks the unforgettable words: "I'm done here for now, and if You still have troubles on monday, please call back."   :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 02, 2008, 22:14:46
It's saturday morning and a G.P. (family docter) discovers that there is a lot of water in his basement. So, he calls a plumber to fix it a.s.a.p.
The plumber asks the G.P. if he can't wait till after the weekend, but the G.P. will not take NO for an answer.
So, half'n'hour later the plumber is at the G.P.'s address. The doc opens the door to the basement and indeed, ther's a lot of water. He asks the doc' for a couple of Apirines. The doc' , not really understanding the reason, still goes upstairs and returns with the pills and hands them over to the plumber while asking: "You need some water too?"
The plumber answers: "No, water enough," throws the pills into the water in the basement, turns to the doc and speaks the unforgettable words: "I'm done here for now, and if You still have troubles on monday, please call back."   :D
I didn't quite get that one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 02, 2008, 22:17:36
Good one Aad!

Here's another:

Q:
There's a frog, dead in the middle of a lilypad, which is right in the middle of the pond,.

Which side would it jump to?


































A: None! The frog is dead! I just told you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 02, 2008, 22:19:20
Good one Aad!

Here's another:

Q:
There's a frog, dead in the middle of a lilypad, which is right in the middle of the pond,.

Which side would it jump to? A: None! The frog is dead! I just told you.
Very nice Terry. I really laughed there.
Heres one:
Ok, for you science folks out there,
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bar bouncer says "We don't allow your kind here" and the mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 02, 2008, 23:49:11
2008's First Christmas Joke   


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 03, 2008, 00:44:26
2008's First Christmas Joke   


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

LOL. Nice one what does carol think about that?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 03, 2008, 14:03:28
A New Wednesday Joke


A workman was repairing the roof of the Liverpool Cathedral. Into the chapel below came the widow Cassidy bearing the world's troubles on her shoulders.
Kneeling down she poured out her heart at a great level of decibels.
'Mother of God, help me!' she cried.
'Mother of God, help me!'
Unable to contain himself the roofer called down in a booming voice:
'What do you want?'
'Don't be so nosy!' shouted the widow. 'It's your mother I'm talking to!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 03, 2008, 21:27:51
hehe, thats pretty good :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 03, 2008, 23:55:26
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking on the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 03, 2008, 23:57:56
One to end the day with.
If You don't understand something, well, You're not alone out there.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on December 04, 2008, 01:08:53
LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2008, 10:21:45
One for Thursday:

A drunken ambulance

Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.
As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.
A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.
Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your silly ice cream!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2008, 13:30:02
The Donkey Raffle

A man named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 04, 2008, 14:34:07
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/winkeyboard.jpg)

Revenge of the mouse...

(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/mouse1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 04, 2008, 16:30:10
This one is for those people who can still remember the Stone-Age of computers. Meaning the Commodore 64.
(click on the blue square)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 04, 2008, 16:43:11
This one is for those people who can still remember the Stone-Age of computers. Meaning the Commodore 64.
(click on the blue square)
Very funny...lol. THat must have been a modern-day mac with a comment like that and that much ram. hehe...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 04, 2008, 20:22:55
This is not that funny but here we go.

Well that cheered me up!

No, wait! It didn't. JOKES go here...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2008, 21:06:29
This is not that funny but here we go.



If that's what makes you laugh in Antartica then it's no wonder that normal people don't live there!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on December 04, 2008, 21:14:01
There's a similar story to that in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, but I forget which book
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 04, 2008, 21:22:04
It could be a scene from a movie.. ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 05, 2008, 02:33:52
heres another blond joke :D

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 05, 2008, 13:55:02
Blonde, You said? OK, here's another one.
A blonde driver was stopped for speeding by a blonde Traffic Warden.
The warden asked her for her drivers license. "What is a drivers license?", the blonde replied. The warden replied: "Well, that square thing with Your image on it." So, the blonde searched her purse and took out a make-up mirror and gave that to the warden. The warden glanced at the mirror, gave it back to the blonde and said: "Why didn't You tell me that You're a Traffic Warden too? Then all this wasn't be necessary. Have a nice day."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 05, 2008, 17:24:04
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officer said the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 05, 2008, 18:45:17
He he, good one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on December 05, 2008, 19:06:57
MH1, Edited by Terry - If I see any more bad attitude here, I will get uncharacteristically cross!

Quote - If you cant say anything nice, be quiet!


About ships -as this is ship sim
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

And another:

A man was dining at a 5 star restaurant when he found a rat in the salad. The man screamed AAAAH! The water said Please! Sir! don't shout or wave it! the others will want one too!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 06, 2008, 11:07:03
Microsoft buys Christmas

NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2000, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows NT V.5.0."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2000. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2000] as early as November first."

Christmas 2000 is scheduled for release in December of 2000, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2001. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on December 06, 2008, 14:56:22
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 06, 2008, 15:31:59
No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 06, 2008, 15:48:05
I love it Aad!  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on December 06, 2008, 16:31:10
No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).
That doesn't work, my humour hasn't improved a bit :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 06, 2008, 18:17:05
No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).


Hehehe, works a treat!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 08, 2008, 22:06:03
   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D

Her's a Christmas variation
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 09, 2008, 17:04:44
Nice one Aad

 :) :)


Something old:

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass which I drank. Extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it with the exception of the one glass which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink which I drank
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottle and sinks with the other which were twenty-nine, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle , which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker stand here the longer I get. Oh, me

 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 09, 2008, 18:52:11
[thud]

Loved it, Mike!

Snow wander eye drink sew mush.

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2008, 13:32:55
Festive one:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2008, 18:20:53
;D hillairous!

Keep laughing, here's another:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2008, 18:54:17
And another:


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 12, 2008, 18:45:26
An Internet Christmas:

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 12, 2008, 18:51:12
He he like that
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jim.smith on December 12, 2008, 19:28:55
I asked my wife what she would like for Christmas, she said a divorce,I said I wasnt intending to spend that much. Thats the best I can do.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 12, 2008, 19:57:35
I asked my wife what she would like for Christmas, she said a divorce,I said I wasnt intending to spend that much. Thats the best I can do.

So, so true...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 14, 2008, 01:13:28
what do you do if a blond throws a gernade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 14, 2008, 08:18:57
mwaahaaahaaahaaahaaaahaa! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 14, 2008, 12:46:27
As usual, no comment needed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 14, 2008, 19:12:48
Though i still don't understand why blonds are supposed to be stupid:
In a workplace, the boss just logged on his computer.
Suddenly, he sees a blond worker running out of his office, screaming "I know the boss' password!"
Then another worker says "Then what is it?"
The blond says: "It's ******" (<--not a bad word)
(the characters shown depend on the operating system)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on December 15, 2008, 02:16:09
As usual, no comment needed.
Also as usual, that image fails to bare even the slightest resemblence to the actual ship.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 15, 2008, 11:22:44
Also as usual, that image fails to bare even the slightest resemblence to the actual ship.

Of course. Cartoons never do, that's what they are all about.




It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 16, 2008, 23:57:56
This Is How It Works

 

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from Kentucky, another from Tennessee and the third, from Georgia. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

 

The Georgia contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Kentucky contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700".

 

The official, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The Kentucky contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the official.

 

 And that, my friends, is how government works!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 17, 2008, 17:04:14
This Is How It Works

 

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from Kentucky, another from Tennessee and the third, from Georgia. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

 

The Georgia contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Kentucky contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700".

 

The official, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The Kentucky contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the official.

 

 And that, my friends, is how government works!



Great joke, although I remember a very simular joke from Only fools and horses once
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 17, 2008, 17:13:08
 A Hispanic Christmas
 
              The night before Chreemas, on Thorsday I theenk,
              I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.
              I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast,
              Preety damn queek, I fall off my ass.

              I peek myself up and go home to bed,
              I pool the cobija up ober my head.
              Early next morning, or late een the night,
              I heer such damn recket, I theenk eet's a fight.

              I geet outta bed, I don feel very well,
              My head ees too beeg, eet hort me like hell.
              I go to the weendow, I don believe what I see,
              A pot-bellied greengo, as plain as can be.

              I looook at heez ropa, ees all colored red,
              He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled.
              I yella and I holler, "Hey, move your fat body,
              Your chivos--they champ on my grass!"

              He torn to heez goats, he say just one word,
              And them damn chivos chomp in the air like a bord.
              They corcle around, and then queek as a mouse,
              He land that damn sled on top of my house.

              They chaking their horns and stomping hees hoof,
              I theenk they damn chore play hell with my roof.
              I heer theze ole man chout loud and clear,
              "What the hell, Rodriquez, ain't no cheemney up here...

              No door, no weendow, nothing but air,
              How I gon geev you theze goverment welfare?"
              Then right away theze Rodriquez see---
              He gon get heemself something for free.

              So he says to the greengo, "Please come een senior,
              Do come on down and use the front door."
              So, he come een the house, and upon heez broad back,
              He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack.

              He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor,
              And start pooling out comida galore.
              He pool out tortillas, tamales and ham,
              He pool out a cheekin and haff of a lamb.

              He pool out cervesa and a bottle of wine,
              I cannot believe that theze eez all mine!
              I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you locky by heck,
              Theze chore as hell beats unemployment sheck."

              So he chakes out heez boles and dreenk some of my wine,
              And cosses hees chivos to get them een line.
              He cosses and hollers, he knows every one,
              "Chingow, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon."

              That ole man he know how to puut on a chow,
              Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go.
              At last he get them to chom een the sky,
              And the last time I see heem, he preety damn high.

              He going away and the last theeng I heeer,
              'IF YOU VOTE FOR BILL CLINTON, I BE BACK NEXT YEAR!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on December 19, 2008, 13:30:50
A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's*  clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 19, 2008, 13:54:04
Good one Nathan!! Not sure it is a joke though as it is probably true!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 20, 2008, 16:07:53
A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's*  clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister
I didn't quite get it, Probably cause im not a brit but nice job!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 20, 2008, 16:13:14
A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's*  clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister

That is a brilliants one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on December 20, 2008, 16:42:10
I didn't quite get it, Probably cause im not a brit but nice job!
Gordon brown tells so much lies, that the clock goes so fast around itself, so god can use it as a fan now
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 20, 2008, 16:59:19
Well done Minime


From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

The cruise ship captain replied, "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 20, 2008, 17:43:37
He he he good one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 20, 2008, 17:50:23
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 21, 2008, 11:04:29
An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," the engineer said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the engineer replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown ashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now! "Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL.!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 21, 2008, 17:03:54
A few Presidential Limo's (Part 1)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 21, 2008, 17:05:25
Part 2

For my next post You'll have to wait (a little while only). Being my 500th, it will be something special.
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 21, 2008, 17:08:04
Basketball playing President elect?


A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 21, 2008, 17:43:26
Mike: G-r-o-a-n....

Aad: Missed you recently! Glad to see you back.

And a Merry Christmas to all my readers.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 21, 2008, 18:31:22
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner...
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 21, 2008, 18:35:40
Mwahahahahaha!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 22, 2008, 16:05:31
(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)Condition LOL. I repeat: Condition LOL(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)
Been playing too much Need for Speed Most Wanted. Take that, you cops!

ARGH! Roadblock!
(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathanael on December 22, 2008, 16:24:18
A blonde and a brunette are jumping of a building. Who will hit the ground first.

Well, the brunette, because the blonde asks for directions half way.

Just one a friend made up at school.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on December 22, 2008, 16:25:53
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathanael on December 22, 2008, 16:28:00
Why did Mary fall of the swing?

Because she was dead.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 22, 2008, 17:00:00
Ok, while we're on blonde jokes
A blonde buys her first mobile phone..She shows it to her friends that evening..
The next day she's sitting in a cafe when she get's a call from one of them on her mobile
"Hi" she says.."how nice of you to call, but how did you know I was here..? "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 22, 2008, 18:17:15
he he!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 22, 2008, 22:25:26
L
O
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L.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on December 23, 2008, 01:28:12
good one :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 23, 2008, 10:47:41
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .......... $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 23, 2008, 14:02:16
(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 24, 2008, 12:26:21
- "Waiter !  What is this fly doing in my soup ?"
- ............ "I believe the backstroke, sir"....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 24, 2008, 12:49:23
Murphy's Laws of Computing
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on December 26, 2008, 00:44:10
Murphy's Laws of Computing
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.




or in some cases down grade
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 26, 2008, 21:07:08
Mom opens the fridge:
"John (son), why is there only one cake in the fridge if there were two yesterday?"
"'Coz I didn't see it"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on December 27, 2008, 00:44:26
Heh, nice.

I'm on Mac, so I'm in a Mac-bashing mood. I made this one up myself recently:

A smart blond is on top of the world's tallest building, when she drops her Mac off the roof. She dives after it, desperate to retrieve it. Which hits the ground first: her, or her Mac?

Neither, for two reasons:

1) There is no such thing as a smart blond

and

2) Smart people don't use Macs
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on December 27, 2008, 01:18:05
OK. Here's a good one.

A stupid pilot is flying a plane.
and he was soon landing.

then the man on the tower said to the pilot.
what is your position?

the man on the tower repeated it 5 times.
then the pilot said to the man on the tower:

Hey. My position on the front of the plane and steering the plane ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 27, 2008, 18:05:12
ROTFLOL!!!!!! NOT?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 28, 2008, 06:59:20
Sorry, but I think the humour may have gotten lost in the translation...


How do sailors get their clothes clean?

They throw them overboard and the get washed ashore !


It's nearly Easter.

A man and his wife are sitting on the couch and the man starts to get amorous. His wife pushes him away and shakes her head.

The man is perplexed and asks "What's wrong?".

His wife says "I can't darling, it's Lent."

Surprised, the husband asks "Lent? To who and for how much?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 30, 2008, 15:22:53
A wrong Diagnose
An obvious drunk, smelling like a still, sits in the Subway right next to a Catholic Priest.
This guy wears sloppy clothes, his face is covered with lipstick smears and a half empty bottle of Gin sticks in his pocket.
There lies a n old Newspaper around and the drunk starts reading it. After a few minutes he turns to the priest and asks: "Your Eminence, do You know what causes Artrithis?"

"Yes,my son, I know" answers the priest with a slight disapproval looking at that drunk.
"It's caused by a profligate life filled with cheap and wicked woman, to much cheap spirits and an absolute  contempt to You fellowmen."

"Holy Smoke," mumbles the Drunk, "I just read here that the Pope is suffering from it."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 30, 2008, 15:54:57
He he
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 01, 2009, 12:35:32
LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 03, 2009, 01:42:51
LOL!!!! But does the Pope really have cheap Women?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 03, 2009, 08:23:13
I think you have missed the point Firestar
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 03, 2009, 22:42:43
I think you have missed the point Firestar
No I didn't, I just wondered. Why do you always say that kind of stuff?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:04:42
Here's a kind of a riddle: "Who is this?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ash on January 04, 2009, 01:06:11
albert einstein
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:10:45
albert einstein
You are right, but now comes the surprise. Try to look at the pic from about 16.4 feet (5 meters) and tell me who do you see now?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 04, 2009, 01:12:25
looks like Maralyn Monroe!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:14:29
And You are also right, Nathan.
Amazing, isn't it?
Congrats to both of You. Your price is a foot trip to Rome.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 04, 2009, 01:14:56
Triffic  ::)

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kona1988 on January 04, 2009, 01:15:50
Hahaha, I love things like that.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:19:02
Well, to close the night: before that thing happens to me tomorrow morning.........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 04, 2009, 02:04:24
Here's a kind of a riddle: "Who is this?"
That is amazing. I like her better 16 Feet away though "Im gonna have to arrest you for being to pretty :police:"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 05, 2009, 19:01:30
       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 05, 2009, 19:04:20
       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad

 ;D Nice one Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 05, 2009, 21:39:49
       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad

Mwaahaahaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ;D ;D very funny! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 06, 2009, 22:05:37
George's Japanese neighbour, Seko Chubachi, was involved in a traffic accident and is now hospitalized. Beeing a good neighbour, George is going to pay him a visit.
Mr. Chubachi looks like a mummy, complete wrapped in bandages and all kinds of tubes and hoses sticking out of his body. He is unable to move and only his eyes are uncovered. He seems to be asleep.
George stands a while beside the bed when suddenly the mr. Chubachi opens his eyes  en shouts out:
"Sakaro Aota Nakamy Anyoba, Sasha Mashuta!!!"
Then he closes his eyes and dies.
Those last words keep spinning around in Georges head.
At the funeral George is present to pay his respect to the wife and daughter of his neighbour.
After the ceromonies he askes mrs. Chubachi what those words Sakaro Aota Nakamy Anyoba, Sasha Mashuta ment.
The widow collapses unconscious and the daughter face fades white like a bedsheet.
George keeps asking: Come on, tell me, what does those last words mean?
Then the daughter replies:
You're standing on my oxygen tube, Jackass!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 07, 2009, 10:33:54
Voted Australia's best joke 2008

>>>>A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian  coast.
>>> He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible  night
>>> wondering what could have happened to her.
>>> Next morning  there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
>>> couple of  policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
>>> The Sarge says,  'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
>>> really bad news, but,  some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
>>> 'Well,' says the  bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
>>> The Sarge says,  'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
>>> Bill here found  her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
>>> the
>>> reef. He got  a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
>>> The bloke is  naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
>>> of a turn.  But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
>>> what the good  news is.
>>> The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were  quite a few
>>> really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to  her, so
>>> we've brought you your share.'
>>> He hands the bloke a sugar bag  with a couple of nice crays and four or
>>> five crabs in it.
>>> 'Geez thanks.  They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
>>> that... So  what's the other possible good news?
>>> 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you  fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
>>> here get off duty at around 11  o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
>>> and pull her up  again!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 07, 2009, 18:49:07
Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D Very good!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mr Robville on January 07, 2009, 20:03:34
like i always say... better a hole in your pants then a pants in your hole...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wenier on January 08, 2009, 09:15:14
These are actually events and replies from US Airforce Technical logs.

Pilot: "#1 Main Wheel almost worn to limits"
Mechanic: "Tyre almost replaced"

Pilot: "Autopilot not operating"
Mechanic: "Autopilot does not operate in OFF position"

Pilot: "#2 Engine missing"
Mechanic: "Engine Found"

Pilot: "Autoland function very rough on landing"
Mechanic: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft!"

There are many more just hard to remember them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 08, 2009, 17:28:39
---TWO NUNS



There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down


And for those of you who thought it would be naughty,

 I'll pray for you!  
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 08, 2009, 18:50:04
Great Jokes Aad and Mike! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 08, 2009, 20:22:46
I laughed at your jokes, Mike and Aad!

One thing, could I ask you and all joke posters to moderate some of the language, we've crossed that line again, a bit.

Nothing serious but you know how these things drift.

"suitable for seven year olds" - Thanks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 09, 2009, 00:04:50
The BBC is surely suitable for 7 year olds?
NO, and that's no joke :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 09, 2009, 00:18:34
Have you seen some of the filth the BBC puts out?

Ross, Brand...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 09, 2009, 13:17:12
Going through those Bushisms I see no bad words.. but I do see a lot of bad language though.   :)

Not something our 7 year olds will benefit from. That could drag their level right down, to be honest..

 :P

Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 10, 2009, 17:34:15
A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.


His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."

 His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 10, 2009, 19:45:55
he he, very good! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 11, 2009, 02:13:15
I didn't get it right away, but very funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 12, 2009, 14:17:42
Eco Joke!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 12, 2009, 18:02:18
Brought an ironic smirk to my face.

Thanks, Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on January 12, 2009, 18:16:32
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

Jack :D
p.s. Love that joke Mike :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 12, 2009, 18:23:52
Brought an ironic smirk to my face.

Thanks, Mike

Terry

Thought the Titanic fans would like it too!!

Nice one Jack

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 12, 2009, 19:25:58
And they may dislike this one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 12, 2009, 20:42:15
 ;D  :laugh:  :laugh: :D  :)

Loved it, Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 12, 2009, 23:02:46
Nice jokes guys
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 12, 2009, 23:15:52
always nice to have a good laugh, good ones guys ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 13, 2009, 00:30:37
When snowflakes are softly whirling down to earth, and you are wondering what they taste like, be aware where You're standing.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 13, 2009, 00:33:30
 :laugh:


Good one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Drakko on January 13, 2009, 00:38:03
here`s mine: there were three adults one was called nothing , tho other nobody and the last one was called stupid then one day nothing fall into a hole and nobody began to help him , meanwhile stupid go with a police for help and he said : nothing fall into a hole and nobody is helping .
the police ask : are you stupid?
then stupid saids: nice to meet you
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 13, 2009, 01:32:50
hehe, thats pretty good :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 13, 2009, 16:54:18
THE ITALIAN GRAN'

 
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her
grown  grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.  I
am inna apartmenta 301  ..
There issa bigga panel at the front door.  With
you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in.  Come  inside, the elevator
is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow,  pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With
you elbow, hit my  doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting
all  these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . . . .. .. You coming  empty handed?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 13, 2009, 16:57:08
he he nice one! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on January 13, 2009, 17:30:08
yes  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 13, 2009, 17:37:56
hehe nice one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 13, 2009, 17:55:07
I have a Question. In fact, I have 10 questions.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from  Poland  are called Poles, then why aren't people from  Holland called Holes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and ' IRS ' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 13, 2009, 18:10:48

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and ' IRS ' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?
  

Doesn't work in England, here were have HMR&C - Her Majesties Revenue and Customs. Don't know why it's called that as she doesn't get the money!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 14, 2009, 15:58:39
Got Kid's ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of your childrens life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

If you have a lot of tension and you got a headache, do what it says on the Aspirin Bottle:

'Take two Aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 14, 2009, 18:24:40
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party......    Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...   With a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on January 14, 2009, 19:33:43
Good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 14, 2009, 19:43:20
Good ones there Aad and MH1
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 14, 2009, 21:57:25
LOL. LOL.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on January 15, 2009, 01:57:15
*****


really excepting the fact that i am christian i dont find this really funny in fact it is really rude
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 15, 2009, 02:32:17
Hi gentlemen,

I have removed the last joke. I think it wasn't really that rude, because it was quite innocent, yet I understand and respect how you, bbydino55, might not agree. And I think you thus have a valid point.

I am very much convinced that Aad meant no disrespect, but it might be wise, to steer clear of religious or political content and such, because it's not always suited for everyone, and I'd like to compare that to the '7 year old' rule that Terry has referred to aswell. Some people might find it blasphemous to mix humor with religion.

So Aad, I removed that joke. I trust you understand.

Regards,
Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 15, 2009, 10:36:32
@Fred,
Message understood. I hope no harm was done. Didn't indeed ment to insult anybody. So I removed the whole entry.
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 15, 2009, 10:45:52
Thanks Aad, for understanding and removing!!   :)

I don't think there will be any permanent damage... right bbydino05?  ;)

Regards,
Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 15, 2009, 12:23:54
Here's a non-religious, non-racial, non-political, jokes for 6 year olds:

Drunk Giraffe
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same.

The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe.

They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.

They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.

The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door, The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' to which the man replies,

'Its not a lion its a giraffe!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 15, 2009, 17:10:56
bad joke, but good joke! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 15, 2009, 17:13:39
How about this one, the 5 year old next door really loved this:

Driving with Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ash on January 15, 2009, 19:08:11
thats gooooood
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 15, 2009, 19:48:19
Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd think at least one of them would have noticed it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 15, 2009, 21:04:30
The K9 Patrol
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 15, 2009, 22:17:47
Good jokes, gentlemen!!  ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Second Mate on January 16, 2009, 00:39:06
Here's a non-religious, non-racial, non-political, jokes for 6 year olds:


I guess jokes about Hamas are out then
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on January 16, 2009, 00:41:52
Thanks Aad, for understanding and removing!!   :)

I don't think there will be any permanent damage... right bbydino05?  ;)

Regards,
Fred
right but really as long as it doesn't go that far i really don't mind but that went a litle to far
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 16, 2009, 01:31:26
Chaps, post jokes here, not chatter!


I went to the doctors. He said 'What's the problem?'.

I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.

He said 'What do you want me to do?'.

I said 'Break my arms!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 16, 2009, 03:29:42
hehehe, good one :D heres one

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton. 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 16, 2009, 10:35:45
Computer Joke


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el
computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the
problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on January 16, 2009, 13:00:57
Although looking into it, it actually IS "la computadora", female.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on January 16, 2009, 13:28:51
Computer Joke


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el
computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the
problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.



That one put a smile from ear to ear on my face  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 16, 2009, 13:29:47
Blonde Sheep Winner
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on January 16, 2009, 23:20:00
Already been posted, Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2009, 00:10:52
Animal Super Bowl
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2009, 00:16:49
Rudolph's Medical Bill
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 17, 2009, 01:00:56
Two Aerials met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married.

The ceremony was boring but the Reception was brilliant.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 17, 2009, 09:24:32
Two Aerials met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married.

The ceremony was boring but the Reception was brilliant.


That was awful Terry yet it still made me laugh! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2009, 11:44:05
Rabbit Test
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 17, 2009, 12:58:41
Could it be here:
You're absolutely right.
Couldn't find it with the search function. Therefore I thought it wasn't placed yet :-[. SORRY
Entry's removed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 17, 2009, 20:03:52
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk........................................................................................... to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 17, 2009, 21:17:27
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk........................................................................................... to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
LOL!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on January 17, 2009, 21:38:29
Do you allways repeat a joke before you laugh..?   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 17, 2009, 22:12:39
Yes, he does.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 17, 2009, 22:13:31
Yes, he does.  ;)
hehe...sorry.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beau Brown on January 18, 2009, 00:52:02
When snowflakes are softly whirling down to earth, and you are wondering what they taste like, be aware where You're standing.

Funny, those were almost my Christmas cards.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 18, 2009, 09:14:07
Funny pics there CC ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 18, 2009, 11:15:47
Sharky looks like the Golden Gate Bridge. Not sure there is a bridge in South Africa like that
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 18, 2009, 12:00:20
No worries, you meant no harm!   ;)

And it was funny... but well, you know.. we have these rules and they might be strict sometimes, but well, they are meant to keep the forum suitable for all ages and countries...

It was funny and quite innocent, but that doesn't make it any less a violation of the bad language rule, unfortunatly..  :)


Regards,
Fred


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 18, 2009, 16:59:17
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh...

(scroll down)


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 18, 2009, 18:56:45
Follow Up to Mike's 'Blonde' Joke.
Just to be friendly, her boyfriend decided to buy a real Jig Saw Puzzle for her. Knowing how clever   ;) she is he bought her a 60 pieces puzzle.
After a few weeks she called him on his cell phone, and told him sooooo exited: "Darling, I solved the puzzle. Are You proud of me now?" No reaction from the other side, so she said: "I thought 18 days to solve this puzzle was very fast!" "How do You mean? " her friend replies. "Well", she replied, "on the small side of the box is printed 3 - 6 Years "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 18, 2009, 21:26:27
Doctor, Doctor. My wife can't say the letters "F" or "T" !

Well she can't say fairer than that, then.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 18, 2009, 23:32:28
Good one, Terry.
Do You remember Bill Gates getting 'PIED' ?
Well, I do.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 19, 2009, 16:37:13
Why it's not wise to throw away any left overs.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Garth H on January 19, 2009, 17:29:13
Hi CC, 

We don't have bridges like that over rivers flowing into the sea where there is a wier.  Where are the helicopter insignia?  The British have not had military exercises is South Africa for about 20 years and our great white sharks only jump out of the water to catch seals that they have been chasing. (which was the video shown on National Geographic)  Sorry that photo is a computer digitally modified scam.

Here is my joke:


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white US. Government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.  You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

 The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion; where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
 
'When  white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo,  plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ‘only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 19, 2009, 17:56:51
While we at the shark-theme: Here's another one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 19, 2009, 18:37:13
The Camel Joke
There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy say's, yeah. He hop's in, the driver say's, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town. So the driver start's driving, he get's up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see's the camel right behind him. He say's to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say's, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed's up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. And say's to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say's, he's know's the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed's up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and look's behind him, and look's at the guy and say's, hey buddy your camel he's looking pretty rough. The guy say's, oh yeah, what's he doing. The driver say's, well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say's, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say's to the left side. The guy say's, YOU'D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE'S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 19, 2009, 18:48:20
lol.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 21, 2009, 16:32:18
So this guy is going to a wintersport destination by nighttrain. In the sleepingcar he discovers that he had to share it with a female passenger.
"Hi, I'm Bob" says the guy.
"And my name is Liz" replies the woman. They decide that she sleeps in the upper bunk and he in the lower one.
They went to their bunks, and 15 minutes later:
"Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob.
"It's quite cold up here, would you be so kind and close the window?
"Off course ", replies Bob, stands up, closes the window and went back in his bunk. 
15 minutes later : Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob.
"It's quite sultry now, can you open the window please"
"Okay", replies Bob, get out, opens the window, and back to his bunk.
15 minutes later: Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob, a bit grumpy.
"It's a bit chilly now" says Liz, "I noticed that their are some extra blankets in that cabinet over there. Would you be so kind and hand me one over?" 
Bob replies: "We could act as we were married"
"Oh, if you like that" replies Liz.
"OK", says Bob, Lift your body out of your bunk, take the blanket, go back, shut your mouth and let me sleep!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 21, 2009, 16:42:34
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said ...

"Rain."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 21, 2009, 20:00:16
 ;D

Nice One  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 21, 2009, 22:47:53
Lol. Niether of them speaks English. But I guess whit George Bush's logic like "Put a bomb in a box of cheerios...hehe...." you can't call that english.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on January 22, 2009, 05:14:40
;D
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 22, 2009, 10:21:37
Here is a South African version of an earlier blonde joke:

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 22, 2009, 11:02:34
I have no comment what so all for this one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on January 23, 2009, 12:48:03
lol thats one of the best! ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 23, 2009, 16:46:22
Four students on highscool arrived much to late for a very imprtant exam.
The patrolling teacher told them that they could'nt take the exam because of the fact the where not on time.
One of the students told the teacher the reason they where to late: the car they used got a flat tyre on their way to the Highschool.
In that case, the teacher said, they diserved a second chance to do the exam one week later, same time, at his home.
Of course they where spot on time that day.
The teacher let them enter each a different room with just a chair and a table. On the table was the envelope with the oh so feared questions.
When they opend it there was a sheet of paper in it with just one question:
"WHICH TYRE WAS THE FLAT ONE?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 23, 2009, 20:02:43
Here are the pic's that go with this one: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg140236.html#msg140236
They are in Dutch, but the text is English in the mentioned one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 23, 2009, 23:50:18
Foot-and-mouth virus
Atlanta, Ga.
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 24, 2009, 21:20:04
Stock Market explained.

Once upon a time there was a stranger walking into a village. He said that he wanted to buy acorns and was willing to pay one Euro per piece.
There where a lot of oaktrees in that village, so the villagers started to collect as many acorns as they could find.
One week later the stranger came back and bought all the acorns for one Euro each, as promised. He told the villagers that he would come back next week and was willing to pay 2 Euro's a piece.
And again the villagers started to collect acorns. Although there where a lot less than a week before.
The stranger came back and payed 2 Euro's each, as promised, and said to come back one week later to pay 5 Euro's a piece.
The villagers found only a few handfull and a week later the stranger came back, paid the fiver per piece and said to come back the next week to pay 20 Euro's per acorn.
How good the villagers where searching, there was not one acorn left in the whole village and the surroundings.
One day later another stranger came to the village with a truckload full of acorns.
The villagers begged the stranger to buy those acorns. He agreed for 15 Euro's per acorn.
The villagers started to collect all the money what was in the village, even the piggybanks of the children where emptied.
At last they had just enough money to pay for that truckload.
A week later the first stranger didn't show up. Not the next day, not the next week. They never saw him again.
They lost all their money, and all they got was a truckload of acorns.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is how the stockmarket works.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 24, 2009, 23:47:46
Light bulbs
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to anti-trust laws.
Q. How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light  bulb?
A. Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft  gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 25, 2009, 00:12:49
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Its a hardware problem!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 25, 2009, 00:14:45
I went to the doctors with a jelly in one ear and custard in the other.

The doctor asked, "'what's the problem?"

I said "you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf."  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 25, 2009, 00:15:24
Microsoft Keyboard revealed!
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
    1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
    2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
    3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
    4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
    5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
    6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
    7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 25, 2009, 14:09:53
ha ha funny! :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on January 25, 2009, 15:38:24
that sign thing that says "click here if your stupid" i clicked on it a few times it and it does NOTHING (except change color)(and sure call me stupid)




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 25, 2009, 18:09:02
If this car was driving in front of You:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 25, 2009, 18:32:03
Modify post and delete image!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 25, 2009, 19:36:01
LOL.
Just LOL.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 25, 2009, 22:37:47
Polar Bear Attack in Churchill, Manitoba , Canada.   

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.
These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery.

The photo's are below.
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Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 25, 2009, 22:51:21
I was expecting this big huge bear, but then that little ting came up, I almost fell of my chair
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 25, 2009, 22:57:04
If this car was driving in front of You:

huh? :( dont get it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 25, 2009, 23:32:13
If this car was driving in front of You:
lol. I know I wouldn't.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 26, 2009, 00:21:04
huh? :( dont get it
Ask your mum!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 27, 2009, 22:54:27
OK, new one:

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1909. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some  statistics for the Year  1909 :
       ************************************
The average life expectancy  was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
The average  worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births  took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all  doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death  were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10  adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect  guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !

Stunning, isn't it??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 27, 2009, 22:57:01
Yeah, drugs weren't drugs.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on January 28, 2009, 00:25:47
hay aad that stuff you typed was amazing! ;D ;D :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on January 28, 2009, 15:00:11
You'll get this one!

"Ouch! Soccer hurts! It's a dangerous sport ever!"

(http://i454.photobucket.com/albums/qq268/1j1j1/funny_soccer.jpg)


yes it does lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 28, 2009, 15:30:51
My doctor told me: "Only one glass of alcoholic drinks a day".
Well, I can live with that advice.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 28, 2009, 18:29:22
My doctor said I could have one glass of whiskey each day.

This one is for March 15th, 2078. Cheers...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 29, 2009, 00:04:33
My doctor said I could have one glass of whiskey each day.

This one is for March 15th, 2078. Cheers...
Hehe....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on January 29, 2009, 00:51:48
An Internet Christmas:

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
this is one of the most funniest things i've read on, joke of the day
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 29, 2009, 20:28:14
Never do things to another, when You don't want this things done to you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 29, 2009, 20:36:16
After I had parked my car in the High Street today, somebody actually complimented me on my driving.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 29, 2009, 20:49:48
 ;D :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 29, 2009, 21:45:16
After I had parked my car in the High Street today, somebody actually complimented me on my driving.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.



ha ha ha! ;D ;D that is so simple, yet so funny...... :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 29, 2009, 22:49:26
Bery awesome, You ill have to pay them you know. Hehe...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 19:35:31
Great one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:17:10
Heres one: What do you call a person choking on a pretzel?
A) An impossibly cross-bred Greek-Lanulosian monkey
B) George Cush
C) All of the above
















Answer: C
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:19:39
B) George Cush
Who is that :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:23:04
Who is that :D
ROFL  :D ;D :D 8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:23:54
If this car was driving in front of You:

My mom doesnt get it either, and I am very curious. please may someone post the meaning?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:24:45
My mom doesnt get it either, and I am very curious. please may someone post the meaning?
Just look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PMS
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:25:28
Make me laugh, someone, please ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:27:15
Make me laugh, someone, please ;D
Ahoy Tom
This http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg153770.html#msg153770 is really hilarious !!!
@ Gloat: Where are you from original? Mars??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:31:04
This http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg153770.html#msg153770 is really hilarious !!!
Hehe...LOL...ROTFL...LM*O
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:31:13
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:33:00
ha ha ha Great joke I love it. ;D
I hate to say it but most my jokes are not for here :-[
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:33:24
What weighs more a pound of pennys or a pound of feathers?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:34:33
?

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:35:04
What weighs more a pound of pennys or a pound of feathers?
They both weight the same ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:35:57
They both weight the same ;D
If a rooster lays an egg right on the peak of a roof, what side does the egg role down?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:36:57
the right.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,


"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 30, 2009, 23:37:17
Gloat: Check the jokes already posted. Then you might not repeat them....


A man went to the Doctor. He said "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'. What's the matter with me?"

The Doctor thought about this for a while and then said "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

The man was horrified. "Is it common?", he asked.

"It's not unusual.", said the Doctor.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:37:58
the right.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,


"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
No, I doesn't role down any side because ROOSTERS can't lay egg!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:38:27
Great jokes.
I don't get the one about the rooster
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:38:49
?

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg150527.html#msg150527
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 30, 2009, 23:39:45
Later, the same man went back to the Doctor's surgery.

He said "Doc, I've hurt my arm in several places."

The Doctor said "Well don't go to those places any more."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:40:55
If a rooster lays an egg right on the peak of a roof, what side does the egg role down?
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg138738.html#msg138738
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:41:22
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg150527.html#msg150527

Oh. :(

Terry: LOL!

NO-ONE GO TO THE QUALITY GLOATYGLOAT PRODUCT STORES! YOUR FISH WILL DIE!!

(http://www.tensionnot.com/images/images/Amazing599.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 30, 2009, 23:42:08
I went to the butcher's and bet him 50 pounds that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He wouldn't take the bet, though. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."



On topic please, Gloat!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:42:37
What weighs more a pound of pennys or a pound of feathers?
Depends on from what hight you'll get it on your head   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:44:02
On topic please, Gloat!

I thought funny pics were allowed here?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:44:44
I thought funny pics were allowed here?
It would be funnier if it was a toilet!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:45:35
I thought funny pics were allowed here?
FUNNY pictures are!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:51:05
FUNNY pictures are!!

That WAS SUPPOSED to be funny...

Wasn't it?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 31, 2009, 00:36:02
lol thats a good one ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 01, 2009, 02:43:06
lol, very good Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 01, 2009, 15:13:09
Whenever you have to see your doctor, think first if it's not just your own fault. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 02, 2009, 20:44:48
When You meet a genius be carefull what You wish for.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 02, 2009, 22:06:33
When You meet a genius be carefull what You wish for.
Haha!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 02, 2009, 22:21:45
When You meet a genius be carefull what You wish for.
Lol, thanks for the advice, I'll be careful when I see a genius
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on February 02, 2009, 23:01:23
'hehe. though this would be funny ;D

(http://www.wondercomments.com/funny/funny_comment_28.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 02, 2009, 23:22:52
That was so sad :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 02, 2009, 23:25:15
lol. Thats funny.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 03, 2009, 10:03:02
That was so sad :'(

Aw....  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 04, 2009, 22:51:30
'hehe. though this would be funny ;D

(http://www.wondercomments.com/funny/funny_comment_28.jpg)

That isn't funny ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 04, 2009, 23:39:57
When you got the Error Message from your printer:
PAPER FEED FAIL
better remove the mouse.
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Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 05, 2009, 14:28:08
 ;D ;D  poor mouse  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on February 05, 2009, 14:56:15
haha.this is funny ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 05, 2009, 17:17:44
(http://file042b.bebo.com/3/large/2008/02/21/11/4822997546a6955407691l.jpg)


Jack :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 05, 2009, 18:01:10
lol at both of those Jack and Captin best! :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on February 05, 2009, 23:10:48
haha.this is funny ;D


I got that pic in an email... it was a free version of windows Vista. You see, Vista in portuguese means view (example: "the view from my window")
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 06, 2009, 00:45:45
Eet your green vegetables, my mum told me every time. Well, if she had seen this she wouldn't insist on it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 06, 2009, 23:48:05
This evening my neighbour came to my house, really in Panic. "Help me, please help me", he said.
I asked: "What's the matter, chap? "
"My mother in law will commite suicide by jumping out of the window" was his answer.
Knowing that his relationship with his wifes mother was only so-so I said: "Well, let her jump, then".
"That's the problem" he said, "The window got stuck in the groove, and I'm not able to open it alone".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 07, 2009, 04:31:21
Lol, very good aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 07, 2009, 16:26:45
Nice one Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 16:39:52
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 07, 2009, 17:04:04
lol very good gloat
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 07, 2009, 17:08:35
Nice one Gloat. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 17:12:13
Another:

She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.

In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.

A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!

Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is."

Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked,
"Ok, how about Arizona?"

The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,
"A"!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 07, 2009, 17:22:35
You sure like those blonde jokes. ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 07, 2009, 18:33:16
You sure like those blonde jokes. ::)

And your joke is...?



I rang up my local cinema today.

I said "Is that the local cinema?".

"Depends where you're calling from" said the voice on the phone.



Amanda, a blonde lady, found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on a plane. The lawyer kept annoying her, asking  to play a game of intelligence.

Eventually the lawyer offered Amanda 10 to 1 odds.  He said every time she could not answer one of his questions, she would owe him $5, but every time he could not answer her question, he’d give her $50.00.

The lawyer figured he couldn't lose. Amanda accepted his challenge as she was fed up with his pestering.

The lawyer asked the first question: “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word Amanda handed him $5.  Then she asked her first question:  ”What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer was puzzled.  He spent several hours looking up everything he could on his laptop and placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.  Finally, angry and frustrated,  he gave up and paid Amanda $50.00

Amanda put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, Amanda handed him $5.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 18:56:50
Serves him (the lawyer) right. Well done, Amanda !!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 19:05:59
And your joke is...?



Amanda, a blonde lady, found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on a plane. The lawyer kept annoying her, asking  to play a game of intelligence.

Eventually the lawyer offered Amanda 10 to 1 odds.  He said every time she could not answer one of his questions, she would owe him $5, but every time he could not answer her question, he’d give her $50.00.

The lawyer figured he couldn't lose. Amanda accepted his challenge as she was fed up with his pestering.

The lawyer asked the first question: “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word Amanda handed him $5.  Then she asked her first question:  ”What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer was puzzled.  He spent several hours looking up everything he could on his laptop and placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.  Finally, angry and frustrated,  he gave up and paid Amanda $50.00

Amanda put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, Amanda handed him $5.  ;D

That was the best joke in this topic - the one that made me laugh for 5 mins flat

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 19:58:50
That one I read in National Geographic Magazine:
A pack of dogs attacks a crocodile in Florida.

The nature sometimes seems to be cruel, but there is also sheer beauty in this cruelty, and sometimes ther's justice in cruelty.

The crocodile, one of the meanest killing machine, can still be the victim of teamwork and mentality of special breeded dogs.

Have a look at this picture from Nature Magazine.

Have special attention for the Alfa Dog, her jaws around the croc's jaw to disable the croc's breathing. Another dog snatches the croc's tail so it can't attack the dogs with it.

Meanwhile the third of the pack goes for the croc's soft underbelly.

Caution: Not for those with a sensitive mind and/or stomage.

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Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 20:03:43
Have you guys noticed that this topic is called JOKE OF THE DAY but we are getting 10 jokes a day?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 20:08:04
Have you guys noticed that this topic is called JOKE OF THE DAY but we are getting 10 jokes a day?
Is this a joke  ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 21:18:18
Yummie, Yummie, in my Tummy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 21:19:16
Is this a joke  ???

no
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 22:18:11
Jokes, please, Gentleman. No idle chatter, if you would be so kind.
Thanks in advance.
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 11:54:47
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"



I didnt get it at first (well I did, it wasnt really funny) but read it again, its hilarious!



A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 08, 2009, 13:22:47
ROFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 14:14:44
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”




A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 14:20:08
Sorry for double post, I have more!

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

I think this one is already in the topic somehwere:
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland, when one of the blondes read the sign, "Disneyland left".
So they went home...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 08, 2009, 14:36:49
While we in the blonde section:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 15:11:15
This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink.

She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responds

"I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."

did you hear...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

When she heard that 80% of theft happened at home, she moved

She called me to get my telephone number

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 00:09:08
They really try, but don't always succeed  ;D ;D
Have a look, and see for yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HauhwBz4d-M
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on February 09, 2009, 03:37:16
sorry that this ain't a joke but it's poem i thought of this morning :laugh:

down at the docks its all going swell
and at the few dings of a bell
a ship was getting ready to set sail
if a person tried to steal a ship
they will definitly go to jail
and stealing a vessels ain't so hip.

on a sea trip is the best thing ever
i wish i could stay forever! ;D
but sadly were docking in two days :(
and that be the first of may
and this whole three month tour 
only seem to last an hour!

so i hope you like it ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 17:12:01
Blonde? Who's blonde on this picture?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 09, 2009, 19:00:22
hahaha, know we know why  ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 20:55:25
Big isn't always better.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 09, 2009, 20:57:26
That only shows how the SUV's became the hero of the day, saved that little car's life
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on February 09, 2009, 21:44:44
i bet it was a blondie that did put up the camera ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 22:05:16
Come on, Why didn't you brought the routeplanner with you?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 09, 2009, 22:08:14
I hope 'yo mama' jokes are allowed here. ;D Hows this?: Yo mama is SO dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch. :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 22:10:07
They really try, but don't always succeed  ;D ;D
Have a look, and see for yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HauhwBz4d-M
And in addition to this movie:
See attachment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 09, 2009, 22:46:40
One for those of you that like cats, I reckon...  ;D

And some new species of dangerous animals...  :P

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 09, 2009, 22:50:35
One for those of you that like cats, I reckon...  ;D

And some new species of dangerous animals...  :P


Awww....they are so...deadly. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 22:56:53
This is an endangeroud Animal.
BTW, If somebody wonders what it takes to keep Mad_Fred silent: Her's the answer, right at the end of this clip ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yvHWyvexZA
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 09, 2009, 23:17:23
Hahaha..

That is my very favorite Muppet sketch right there, Aad!

Seen it a million times, and it's still funny.. Brilliant performance by Miss Moreno too, for sure.  ;D

Thanks!  ;)

Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on February 11, 2009, 04:16:36
This is an endangeroud Animal.
BTW, If somebody wonders what it takes to keep Mad_Fred silent: Her's the answer, right at the end of this clip ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yvHWyvexZA
yep that is sure mad fred during his free time on his nifty drums ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on February 11, 2009, 04:29:35
Those drums are probably retractable on his unicycle.

I'd imagine somewhere next to the coffee maker and the broken money machine, opposite the engines ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 11, 2009, 18:17:58
"Glad to be a man" Flowchart
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 11, 2009, 21:09:34
I got this one from a Canadian friend:
New Seat Belt Law -  Effective February 1, 2009


The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive  testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below....... (Click to enlarge/animate)

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MAY  SAVE A LIFE!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 11, 2009, 21:14:46
THIS MAY  SAVE A LIFE![/center]


(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v200/DFS_MadFred/animated%20smileys/cryingwithlaughter.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 11, 2009, 22:47:41
lol, that's what I call top security :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on February 11, 2009, 23:30:09
lol, that's what I call top security :D

thats what i'm thinking! :P ;D :D ;) :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 12, 2009, 21:49:37
I got this one from a Canadian friend:
New Seat Belt Law -  Effective February 1, 2009


The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive  testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below....... (Click to enlarge/animate)

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MAY  SAVE A LIFE!


Sounds like something my grandfather would do! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 12, 2009, 23:47:46
Traffic Violation or not?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 13, 2009, 00:59:41
Traffic Violation or not?
Both. Nice one Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 13, 2009, 03:50:46
yeah lol :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 13, 2009, 18:40:29
Some sign's then?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 15, 2009, 17:58:33
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my Mother-in-law up.
 As I stood there and watched, her neighbour, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?"
I replied, "No. Six of them ought to be enough".

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 15, 2009, 18:30:51
There was a couple celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. Finally, after the last guests left the party, that happely married couple get to the bedroom. He went straight to the bathroom to brush hes teeth. She switched on the lights and then screamed out in fear.
Hubby rushed out of the bathroom only to see that there was a gorgeous young woman sitting on their bed. "Who are You?", he asked, after comforting his wife.
That gorgeous thing answered: "Well, don't be afraid, I'm a good fairy. And because You two good people where so faithful to each other the last 25 years, I'll grant you each one wish. But be carefull what You wish fore! Once wished, I have to forfill it and can't undo it. After all, I'm not a computerprogram." ;)
The woman, not beeing scared any more got the first chance:
"I wish we had enough money to spend a wonderfull second honeymoon on a tropical Island" se said. :-* One sweep of the Fairy's wand later, there was a briefcase filled with a large amount of money on the couples bed, and, beside of that, a couple of 1rst class airline tickets to Hawai. :)
The husband had to think just a little, and then he said to his wife: "Honey, as much as I love You, but that's a once in a lifetime chance. So please, don't be mad at me. My wish is that I had a wife, 30 years younger than me." Before the fairy could sweep her wand, the mans wife said: 'I'll forgive You, honey. :-*" And to the fairy she said: "Go ahead, it's his wish, and it should be forfilled"
One big sweep of the wand, a giggle from the fairy :evil:, and their he sat on his bed, long beard, grey hair and yes, 30 years older as he was prior to his wish.
The moral of this story:
A man can be hard as a rock, but a fairy is a woman too. :angel: 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Thruster on February 16, 2009, 17:17:45
Found out I posted something that was already here. Sorry... :-[ ::)


Thruster

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 16, 2009, 21:19:45
Are You a good driver? Yes or No

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFvOFqnZU_E
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Drakko on February 17, 2009, 00:03:39
here is my joke: there was a dad and his son, the dad was reading the newspaper and then the son go to talk with his father :
dad.-he said
what?-
when i grow up i want to be like you-the son replies
why?
`cause i want to have a son like me :) ;) :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 17, 2009, 00:13:49
HAHA! Serves him right!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on February 17, 2009, 00:56:49
lol

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 17, 2009, 10:20:40
When you're in your car, a simple rule - be polite to pedestrians (especially to old people):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toNEQ3Dmp-4&NR=1

Hmmmm...I think thats a set up...But if its real, that IS Funny :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 17, 2009, 19:55:23
For all You people who are good at mathematics: Try to solve the attached file, but please, don't cheat by using a calculator.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 17, 2009, 20:11:48
I didn't get it. I though the result would be somehow that number which was imagined...  :P
I'm sure You're pulling my leg. In fact, both of them
ROFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 17, 2009, 20:27:04
Haha good one, you got me on that one :lol: ;D

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 18, 2009, 00:13:40
John comes home from school with a smile on his face from one ear to the other.
"What are you so happy about?" his father askes.
"Well" replies John, "I must write 500 times : ' I am a stupid Donkey' on a sheet of paper."
"What's so funny about that?"
"Well, Dad, YOU have to sign it."

<edit
typo
end edit>
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Packack on February 18, 2009, 05:21:18
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Have alook at this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
The german Coastguard was NOT amused ;D
Regards
Aad

rofl rofl rofl "what are you singing about?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 18, 2009, 05:23:43
"Zinking"   ->  "Thinking"   ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Packack on February 18, 2009, 05:33:44
i would think so, doesn't have anything to do with ship sim. i've got my own little story/joke

An old pirate ship is out and the first mate sees a ship and tell the captain, "enemy ship on the horizon" the captain says "ok, bring me my red shirt" so first mate gets the red shirt and they have the battle and no one dies on that ship. Soon after the first mate asks "captain, why did you want a red shirt" captain says "well if i got shot the crew would not notice and they'd keep fighting" 1st mate says "oh thats very brave sir." Next day the first mate says "20 enemy ships on the horizon" captain says "bring me my brown pants"  :D

I don't get it and the german coast guard im pretty sure it's singing listen closley...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 18, 2009, 17:27:04
When You don't get it the first time, it's not funny enough for You to try to make it more understandable.
Anyhow, about language conflicts.
How about this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBcwcejNrY0
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 18, 2009, 19:01:35
haha love it :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 18, 2009, 23:14:18
This is really hilarious !!
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6-Year-old was asked where his Grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the Airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the Airport..''

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 18, 2009, 23:34:30
As a soon-to-be Granddad, I roared with laughter. Especially at the last one!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 20, 2009, 22:31:11
So the schoolmistress in the girls class askes: "Tell me, Jane, what is Your favorite Job To Be?"
Jane answered: I like to be or an Airline Stewardess, or a Mannequin."
"But", replied the schoolmistress, "what if You're to ugly to be one or the other?"
"I always can be a schoolmistress then!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 21, 2009, 16:39:52
I've deleted the joke posted by Nathanael and also Firestar's comment that quoted it.

"Suitable for seven year olds" is the rule here. Abbreviating vulgar swear words does not make them any more acceptable.  >:(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 21, 2009, 16:41:04
I went to buy some camouflage uniforms the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 21, 2009, 16:45:31
I went to buy some camouflage uniforms the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Was it by any chance a shop located in the woods?! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 21, 2009, 17:16:23
So John met Harry after a long time, no see. And Harry was wearing the most elegant shoes John ever saw in his life.
"What kind of shoes are You wearing, old chap?" John asked. "Well, that are crocodile shoes". Harry replied.
So, John took the first plane direction dark Africa 'cause he fancy'd that kind of shoes very much.
Three days later Harry recieved a very disturbing telegram from Africa, telling him that his friend John was hospitalized after having a struggle with a crocodile. Well, being his friend, Harry went to Africa a.s.a.p. to visit John. And their he was lying in that white bed between white sheets completely wrapped in white bandages. And all that in dark Africa, could You imagine that?
"What happened to You, chap?" Harry asked. "Well", John could only mumble a bit, "I arrived here the other day and went straight off to that lake where some croc's where spotted. And there it was. A very big one. I thought that would be exact the one I neede. I took a shot, But I missed. A second shot missed also, and then the rifle jammed. So, I was'nt gone to Africa to return empty handed, I jumped into the pool with only my hunting knife. The first thing the croc' did was to sweep the knife right out of my hand with his massive tail. So, I took the croc' in a wrestling hold, and after hours of struggling I finally was able to pull it ashore. And what do You think? The croc' wasn't wearing any shoes at all.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on February 21, 2009, 17:21:03
Nice one, Aad  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 22, 2009, 01:31:59
lol, that guy should look at the feets before trying to take the shoes
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 22, 2009, 15:29:10
That one is not a joke of the day, but more a thought for the day.
Or isn't it a joke after all?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 22, 2009, 17:57:04
  ;D Funny, indeed!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 22, 2009, 18:35:54
TEACHER: What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !




From my collection of jokes for under 7 years old, I have over 4000 of them!!!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 22, 2009, 18:47:00
About English language. Why is the word for something you would to say in a short way so long. I'm reffering to abbreviation  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on February 22, 2009, 18:54:22
And why is dyslexia so hard to spell?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 22, 2009, 20:30:55
Lysdexia rules, KO?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathanael on February 22, 2009, 21:02:46
Hi there guys,

I apologise for the rude word that I have just said. I heard it on a program on tv, and personally i found it funny. Sometimes I realise I have a different sense of humor than other people.

Once again, sorry.

Cheers
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 23, 2009, 18:01:19
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 23, 2009, 18:07:39
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

Jack :lol:
Nice one Jack. :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 23, 2009, 18:08:08
lol. good one. :D :D :D :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 23, 2009, 18:09:59
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head ?
Baa-Baa-Ra !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 23, 2009, 18:22:52
Due to the Credit-Crisis I took all my money from the Bank.
I'll sleep much better now.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 23, 2009, 18:23:55
LOL

Here is one for TerryRussell

What do you call a man who wears tissue paper trousers ?
Russell !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 23, 2009, 18:28:47
Due to the Credit-Crisis I took all my money from the Bank.
I'll sleep much better now.
Hehe!! Dont let your wife get a hold of that! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 23, 2009, 18:29:32
Why did the man with a pony tail go to see his doctor ?
He was a little hoarse !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 24, 2009, 00:01:11
From the Daily Mail, Monday 23 Feb 2009
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 24, 2009, 08:41:18
Hahaha :lol: I saw that somewhere a few days ago :lol:

Another Joke:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe. Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 24, 2009, 10:23:43
Ahoy Jack,
Please have a look:
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136802.html#msg136802
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 24, 2009, 12:52:01
Ahoy Jack,
Please have a look:
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136802.html#msg136802
Regards
Aad

Thought I had seen it before!!

New one:

Su Wong married Lee Wong ~ The following year the Wong’s have a baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says ~

 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?




Sum Ting Wong


Click on photo

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 24, 2009, 20:21:43
Ahoy Jack,
Please have a look:
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136802.html#msg136802
Regards
Aad

Oppps, sorry Aad, only started posting here again, forgot I had posted that before!

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 24, 2009, 20:43:45
Searched the forum and couldn't find this joke hehe :lol:

The Englishman had a big dog and The Irishman and The Scotsman asked him what breed it was.
'It's a cross between a Scotsman, an Irishman and an ape,' said The Englishman. ' In that case,' said The Irishman, 'it's related to all three of us.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 25, 2009, 17:04:10
A man takes the ferry home from work

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 25, 2009, 20:32:23
Ten ways to tell if you are a computer geek:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 27, 2009, 14:03:45
It's 10 past 9 am, and the secretary is still absent, so the boss decides to call him at his home.
A little girls voice answers him.
"Can I speak to Your daddy?"he asks.
"No" replies the girl, "You can not, because he is busy"
"Can I talk to your mum?"
"No, she is busy too."
"Well, is there any other adult around?"
"Yes, a policeman"
"Can I talk to him?"
"No, because he is speaking with a firefighter" replies the little girl. At the same time a lot of noise is hearable trough the phone.
"What is that noise?" He asks.
"Oh, that's a chopper from the FBI," answers the girl.
"Well, what are all this people and the FBI chopper doing at your home?"
"Well, I was playing hide and seek with my baby brother," the little girl whisperes: "and now they are all searching for me"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:29:50
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening.
'Will you lend me £10?' The Scotsman shouted to The Irishman.
'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said The Irishman, 'I can't hear a word you're saying with all The noise in here.'
'Will you lend me £10?' screamed The Scotsman at The top of his voice.
'It's no use,' said The Irishman, 'I still cannot hear a word you're saying.'
'Look,' said The Englishman,' standing beside them, 'I can hear him quite clearly.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "you lend him the £10.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:38:45
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Mike :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:40:48
The Englishman and The Scotsman were abroad so they phoned Interpol and sent a gorgeous parrot to their friend The Irishman.

When they arrived home however, The Irishman opened The oven and produced The parrot well and truly roasted saying, 'Let's have some lovely roast duck for dinner.'
That isn't a duck you fool!,' they said to him. 'It's a parrot and it could speak seven different languages.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "why didn't it say something before I put it in The oven?'

Jack :lol:
p.s. Nice one Mike ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:41:45
Nice on Jack:


A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:44:26
Hahaha :lol:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell.
The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace, and The Scotsman was put in beside him burning away.

The Irishman wound up in a big bedroom with a beautiful blonde film star in his arms. 'That's not fair!,' said The Englishman and The Scotsman, 'rewarding him like that.' That's not The Irishman's reward,' said The Devil, 'that's her punishment.' :evil:

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:45:21
ROTFLOL

When Jock  moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained  Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all


Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:55:37
Nice one Mike hahaha :D :lol: (we should call this the Mike and Jack joke of the day topic haha :lol:)

The Brick Wall Trick

The Irishman played The following trick on The Englishman. He put his hand up against a brick wall and said, 'Now punch my hand as hard as you like.' When The Englishman attempted to do so, The Irishman pulled his hand away and so The Englishman banged his fist against The wall. After a good laugh all round, The Englishman went away to try out The trick on The Scotsman.
'We really would need a brick wall to do this trick properly,' he told him, 'but there doesn't seem to be one around. Never mind, I'll put my hand in front of my face.'

Jack :lol:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:56:53
Someon ewill interupt soon Jack!!

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 19:00:22
Hahahaha Best one yet! :lol:

The new mercedes

The Cassidy twins had bought a secondhand Mercedes car and were taking Joe O'Driscoll for a spin. As they sped down O'Connell Street, Joe said from the back seat:

'I say, boys, what's that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?'

Pat Cassidy, realising he meant the Mercedes logo, decided to have some sport.

'Oh that,' he said, 'that's a target isn't it, Finbar?' 'Oh yes,' said Finbar, 'and a great target it is too!' Target?' said O'Driscoll. Target for what?'

'Well,' replied Finbar. 'It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!'

'Never!' spluttered O'Driscoll. True,' said Pat Cassidy. 'Just wait a tick and I'll show you.'

Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Pat drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.

'See what I mean?' he grinned. 'Good, eh?' 'No good at all,' said O'Driscoll. 'Sure if I hadn't opened the back door we wouldn't have hit him at all!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 27, 2009, 19:04:18
hahaha can't stop laughing! :lol: :lol: very nice jokes  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 00:27:27
One to finsh the day, even if Jack is not around now:


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 28, 2009, 09:08:59
Hahaha, Good one Mike :lol: :D :lol:

Telegraph Poles

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a vacancy with The phone company so The foreman said I'll give you all a trial day to see how many telegraph poles you can lay in that time.' At The end of The day The Englishman had done twenty-seven poles and The Scotsman had laid twenty-four.
'How many did you manage?' The foreman asked The Irishman.
'Five,' answered The Irishman.
'Well,' said The foreman, 'your friends managed over fifty between them.'
'Yes,' said The Irishman, 'but look how much they left sticking out of The ground.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 11:01:43
Hehehehehehe:


Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.

Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.

As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.

The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket.

They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other.

Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!"

When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 28, 2009, 11:51:43
HAHAHHAHAHA! :lol: Thats a cracker that one :lol:

Will post a joke in a second hehe.

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 11:59:43
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled  Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 28, 2009, 12:12:36
da dun chhhhh! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 12:13:25
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on February 28, 2009, 13:20:58
AHHHHHH HAHAHAHA ;D :lol: ;D :lol: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 28, 2009, 16:38:43
im going to lol....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 16:49:15
A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 01, 2009, 00:21:15
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."


That was posted before!

But I read one version with an extension:
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
Then the genie says, "I'm sorry, but hanvn't you had your wish already?"
"No," replies the Scot
The Genie says, "You did, you wished me to answer questions about the wall"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on March 01, 2009, 00:54:43
hey guys check this out
*************
(i'm really sorry if this also disturbs you(and the swearing) but the first time i saw this(which was actually last night shown by my best friend) i laughed really hard)

Edited by Terry; Not acceptable. "Suitable for seven year olds" is the very definite rule here.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 01, 2009, 10:58:01
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 01, 2009, 14:36:35
Who is a better friend to you? Your dog or your spouse?
Here is a test to find out.
1) Put your dog and your spouse together in the trunk of your car.
2) Close the trunk
3) One hour later open the trunk
Who show his/her happiness most to you? Thats your real best friend!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 01, 2009, 16:55:51
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 01, 2009, 18:16:01
Ha ha lol! :lol: except I've heard a very simular joke on a famous british sitcom....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 01, 2009, 23:53:03
No comment from my side  ;D
Hehe...there was perfectly good room next to the throttle!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 02, 2009, 11:09:54
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 03, 2009, 16:12:19
I want to marry this girl

Dai, who had just turned 20, one day informed his father that he wanted to marry Mari the girl next door.
"I'm sorry, boyo," said his father, "but you can't marry her, you see as it happens she's your sister."
Dai was downcast but within a week he came back to see his father again.
"Dad", he said, "I've made up my mind to marry Morfydd."
"Isn't that the girl behind the counter in Morgan's dairy?" asked his father . . . and it turned out she was his sister too.
Gradually one after another the girls of the village were excluded from matrimonial alliance with Dai on the grounds of consanguinity until none was left.
One evening after the last girl had fallen under his father's interdict Dai was sitting in the front room looking sadly at the grate.
"What's wrong with you, Dai?" asked his mother, "girl trouble is it?"
"Yes, Mam," Dai replied, "every time I want to marry a girl, father makes out she's my sister."
"Oh, don't listen to that old fool", said his mother, "he's no relation of yours anyway."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 03, 2009, 17:18:29
Ha Ha lol just lol! :lol: :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 03, 2009, 21:20:51
Why do some men prefer guns to women?

1) You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22. No messy divorce.

2) You can get a silencer for a gun.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 03, 2009, 21:23:36
Watch your weight, the doc told that madam. Now she can't find the scale.
BTW, love your new atavar, Terry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 03, 2009, 22:43:20
This blonde,brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says"meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells"who's out there? The brunette says"meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP."Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 03, 2009, 22:48:49
One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake.
She spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.
She cupped her hands together and shouted "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 04, 2009, 10:33:22
WALKING THE DOG
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost a n hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'



 

The blind lady said, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'



 

 

 


Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 04, 2009, 20:12:53
Q. How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

A. A Buccaneer
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 04, 2009, 20:48:42
Terry's new kind of Transportation  ;D
(Yes, I know it's off Topic, just couldn't resist)  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 04, 2009, 21:00:48
I know, I asked for it, but now, please back to topic, that's J O K E S
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on March 04, 2009, 21:35:25
nice one there  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 05, 2009, 10:39:20
A Russian spy in Wales

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today."

Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?"

"I am."

"The tulips are blooming well today."

Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.

"Ah, you must have come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-spy you want."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on March 05, 2009, 10:44:36
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/breakhellglass.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 05, 2009, 15:01:17
Counter-measure (if I could find the key)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 05, 2009, 17:32:57
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 05, 2009, 19:25:24
 :D good one.. :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 05, 2009, 20:33:53
So we're on the dog section now? OK, her's another one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 05, 2009, 23:46:13
Is it me or we had both those already? Or maybe they were in some other posts. Maybe there are only so many jokes in the worlkd and we've used them all. I hope not!

Still very funny, though.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 05, 2009, 23:49:02
Tery

You were right as usual! Aad posted it in January so I have removed it!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 10:47:06
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A  hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says  the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be  $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says  the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big bottom and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on March 06, 2009, 11:12:50
A blonde went to the movies and when she was walking in it said under 17 not permitted, so she went home and got 16 of her friends.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 06, 2009, 11:38:37
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked: "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?".
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?".
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could find on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted: "What is the answer to your question?".
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 13:48:23
LOL

A cabbie picks up a Nun ~~
 



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 18:19:19
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 06, 2009, 22:12:11
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked: "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?".
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?".
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could find on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted: "What is the answer to your question?".
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5...


all ready had that one - by Terry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Shipaddict on March 06, 2009, 22:19:38
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.


Haha, that was excellent, thanks for sharing that :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 22:26:07
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 23:31:36
Not enough parachutes

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash.
To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket.
The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out.
Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman.
The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully.
'But what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism.
'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2009, 10:54:13
Old one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2009, 17:55:34
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2009, 18:23:59


A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 07, 2009, 22:17:30
If you're a doctor, and an elderly patient visits you, be aware that his hearing is not as it was. So please articulate your request's to that patient as clear as possible.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 08, 2009, 01:05:55
A last one for this night:
When you don't have the right equippment, better don't play soccer. Special NOT in the StoneAge. :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on March 08, 2009, 06:58:12
HaHaHa.
Funny. And cavemen thought they had the "Upper Score."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 08, 2009, 10:55:26
What kind of ears does an engine have? 





Engineers
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 08, 2009, 16:22:33
Not really a joke, but more a  necessity
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 08, 2009, 17:49:34
[/s]

Not jock about woman on marsh 8th  the Internationale womans day :police: do show some respect to over sisters on this day pleas,  ;)even they are blond, dark or read headed
Tanks
TJK

Tore

He posted that on March 6th..................

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on March 08, 2009, 19:07:58
And today is the 8th, daylight savings time. Here is another joke. The United States is large of the thing in it. But one thing we don't know is whats out side of it........ A Pig. Florida is the front legs, Baja California is the back, New England is the head and neck, and Washington state is the tail.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 09, 2009, 13:30:18
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.

He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jim.smith on March 09, 2009, 20:08:34
I went to the pet shop to get my wife a blind dog,the pet shop owner remarked surely sir you mean a guide dog.No I replied if it sees her it will go for her throat :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 10, 2009, 00:19:59
Avoid stress. It's good for your health.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 10, 2009, 13:50:16
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say

"Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said,  "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .that phrase . .

in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."


The next day,  she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
 

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
 

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
 

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
 

There was stunned silence.
 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:
 

"Put the beads away, Frank.

 

Our prayers have been answered!"

 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 10, 2009, 14:30:05
Unos tíos están subidos a un árbol cuando les ve un policía.
- Pero, bueno, ¿ustedes qué hacen ahí? Venga hombres, bajen. ¡No sea que se caigan y se rompan algo!
Y cuando llegan al suelo...
- A ver, ¿ustedes quiénes son?
-¡Pucha, qué memoria! ¡Los del árbol!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jim.smith on March 10, 2009, 14:45:01
Where do you get them from Mike ;D :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 10, 2009, 14:45:48
Great eh!!

Now Japanese jokes!!

A: 昨日鎌倉でおしゃれなBambooの箸を売ってる店があったよ~
B: へ~~それで?何か買った?
A:なんにも~Bambooの箸は5000円もするんだ!これタケ~~~なと思った!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 10, 2009, 14:56:19
Drive safely
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on March 10, 2009, 18:57:34
The only thing to say is, well, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif) (http://forums.electronicarts.co.uk/images/smilies/smilie_biglaugh.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on March 10, 2009, 20:43:26
Is this what its coming to? :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 10, 2009, 21:21:44
unfortunatly jack it has come to that :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 11, 2009, 11:53:07
Time for a Russian joke!!

The passenger cabin of an aircraft. A voice announces over the intercom:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome you on board the world's first fully automated intercontinental airliner which was built by Soviet aeronautical engineers.

'We will be flying at ten thousand metres with a cruising speed of five thousand kilometres an hour.

There are no pilots on board the aircraft and no service personnel.

It is entirely controlled by electronics.

All the instruments are working normally . . . working normally . . . working normally . . . working normally . . .'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 11, 2009, 21:29:38
Do you know the difference between Courage and Swank?

Courage: You come drunk home in the middle of the night, your wife awaits you with a broom, and you ask her: "Are you still cleaning up or are you planning for a late flight?"  :evil:



Swank: You come home drunk in the middle of the night, surrounded by a cloud of perfume, lipstick all over your shirt. You pat your wifes bottom and say: "So, honey, you're next".  :evil: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 12, 2009, 00:04:26
Trying to Surrender


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An American spy is dropped by parachute on to Soviet territory. He immediately decides to give himself up. He makes it to a town, finds the appropriate organization and goes up to the doorman:

'Listen, friend, I'm an American spy and I want to give myself up. Who should I see?'

'Second Floor, Room 218,' replies the doorman.

The spy gets to Room 218.

'I'm an American spy. I want to give myself up.'

'What's your area, sabotage, terrorism or ideology?'

'Sabotage,' replies the spy.

'Then you've come to the wrong place. Go to Room 613 on the sixth floor.'

The spy gets to Room 613.

I'm an American spy specializing in sabotage. I want to give myself up.'

'Did you specialize in transport or industrial targets?'

Transport,' replies the spy.

'Well that's the seventh floor, Room 742.'

The spy gets to Room 742.

'I'm an American spy specializing in the sabotage of transport. I wish to give myself up.'

'What kind of transport, road or railway?'

'Railway,' replies the spy.

'Then you've come to the wrong place. Room 936, ninth floor.'

The spy gets to Room 936.

'I'm an American spy specializing in the sabotage of rail transport. I wish to give myself up.'

'Look here, Comrade, don't you see that it's six o'clock? We've finished interviewing for today. Come back tomorrow . . .'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 12, 2009, 17:21:34
Courageous Sailors  


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The war was over! The allied armies were celebrating! The admiral of the American fleet invited on board the Russian and English admirals. After the banquet they began talking about courage.

'Our sailors are afraid of nothing,' said the American admiral, 'they are prepared to go through fire and water.'

They decided to put this to the test. The American admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive into the sea.'

The sailor reddened with rage, but saluted, climbed up the mast and jumped. They dragged him out of the water barely alive.

'Fantastic!' said the Soviet admiral. 'Gentlemen, I insist that tomorrow you be my guests at dinner.'

The next day the same company gathered on board a Soviet ship. After the banquet the Soviet admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive headfirst on to the deck.'

The sailor turned pale, saluted, climbed the mast and flung himself on to the deck. There was nothing left of him.

'Well, gentlemen,' said the English admiral, 'it must be my turn now. I invite you to dine on board my ship tomorrow.'

After the banquet the English admiral summoned a sailor and said: 'Would you mind awfully shinnying up that forty-metre mast and diving down the funnel.'

The sailor turned green with fury.

'Yes I would, sir, and get lost, sir!'

"The English admiral shrugged his shoulders and turned to his colleagues: 'You see, gentlemen, there is more than one kind of courage.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 15:10:50
Fitness programme for Senior Citiziens

If you're above 50, you better start easy.
Do it faster every time as your experience growth.
For some people it could be to heavy, so to be safe council your dokter first.

NOW SCROLL DOWN  ...




























































NOW SCROLL UP AGAIN..

Oké, that's enough for today.

Reward yourself with a beer or a wine.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 13, 2009, 17:13:57
LOL!!

Another Russian one:

Potato Duty
_____________________________________________________________________________
Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.

In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.

Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 17:31:11
There was that Dutch girl, planning to make a car-trip through Great Brittain. The guy at the travel agency: "Pay attention to the British traffic, be aware that you have to drive on the LEFT side of the road".
A few weks later the girl retuns to the agency complete with crutches, plastered leg etc. "I want to cancel that car trip" she said.
"And what's the reason?" the agent asks.
"Well," said the girl, "it's about that LEFT side driving. I practiced it here in Amsterdam, and I don't like it at all!"

(Image looks disturbed, just click)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 13, 2009, 17:33:21
HeHe

Now an Italian one:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 17:57:35
LSHTTARDML
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 13, 2009, 17:58:37
Que?

Googled it!!

Stands for

Laughing So Hard The Tears Are Running Down My Leg
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 18:53:01
A police patrol  :police: spots a car, 11:30 pm. On the front seat sits a young man, reading a comic-book. On the back seat ther's a young girl, knitting if her life depends on it.
"What are you guys doing?" is the first question of the policeman. "Well," says the boy, "I'm reading a comic-book. Is there a law against that?" "And what is she doing?" is the next question. "As far as I can tell, she's knitting a sweater", replies the boy. Still not satisfied: "And how old are you, young man?" "I'm 22 years old." "OK, and what is the age of the young lady?" "She will become 18 in about 26 minutes!"  :evil: 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on March 14, 2009, 04:19:07
Now that is just funny! the girl in back was like a senior lady who justs knits like she will die soon. but she is 17 to 18 years old! ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 14, 2009, 10:56:27
LSHTTARDML
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 14, 2009, 11:10:34
You remember Popeye the sailorman? (if not see pic 1)
And guess what? I found a picture of his mum  ;D (pic 2)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 14, 2009, 17:34:42
A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 14, 2009, 23:54:37
Manual for woman to understand man:

"For a good relationship it's sometimes expedient to understand what we think, how we think and how we function. You can take this serious, or you don't.

This lines came from a woman.

Here is the manual: "WE MAN EXPLAIN IT ONE MORE TIME"

"Be a big girl and understand the operation of a toilet seat (the open part that is). If it's up, just put it down. For us it must be up, for you it must be down. We have as many rights as you to state that "it was in the wrong position, again". Let's stop argue about that.
 
Your birthday, weddingday, mothersday must not be an endless queste to find that one, ideal gift for you.
Sometimes we just forget about it. Learn to handle it!

Soccer, pool and what other sport there may be on TV is always more important than any soap.

Cut your hair? Don't. Ever. Long hair is always prettier than short hair. Man are afraid for marriage because married woman start cutting their hair at once and we have to look at that short rathead for the rest of our married life.

Shopping isn't a nice pastime, and that's final.

To cry is and always will be blackmail.

Speak up your mind. Let's be very clear about that. Casual hints don't work, obvious hints don't work, crystalclear hints don't work. Silent hints we don't understand. Just tell us what you want.

A guy has three pair of shoes. TOP. How can you think that we are any help to you to find just THAT pair of your thirty pairs that fit with just that one dress.

Yes and No are perect answers to almost any question.

Share your problems with us only when you search for a solution. That's how we are, we fix problems.

For symphatie you have your girlfriends.

What we said six month ago is not valid in todays discussion. Even worse: every statement a week old or older is void in every meaning of the word.

Yes, you have your household on the rails, everything is spic and span. This statement is valid for the next twenty years. Don't ask about it anymore. We just don't see it.

Don't nag about weightwatching if you can't stop stuff yourself. If you thing you're fat, you're probable are. Don't ask us about our opinion about it. In the future we refuse any answer to that question.

If a statement can be ment in two different ways and that one way dosn't suite you, than we ment the other possibility.

Let us ogle. We are peekers, if you like it or not. It's in our gens.
 
Ask us to do something for you, or tell us how you want it be done. But understand  that those two things don't match. If you think you know it better than do it yourself. Christopher Colombus didn't need directions, so don't we.
 
Man can see 16 colours only. Try your screenproperties how that looks. Peach is for us man just fruit, we don't have any idea what 'mauve' means, what 'living white' is, and we don't have any idea of the meaning of the word 'Cobalt-blue' .

If we ask if there is something wrong, and you denie it than we know that you, most of the time, lie, but we leave it that way because we don't like the hubbub. If we ask if there's something wrong and you denie than there is nothing wrong. Accept it.

If you ask a question but you will not know the answer, then you can count on it that you get an answer you wouldn't hear.

If we're going out, the outfit you're wearing right now is pefectly allright. Really.

Yes, you HAVE something to wear.

If you ask a question and we don't react it dosn't mean yes. So don't hold us to it. We're just not listening.
 
Yes, we always love beer, like you love handbags.

Woman cause less accidents in traffic. Congratulations. Do we trust you behind the wheel? NO WAY, accept it.

And finally: My belly is round. Round is a shape. So, I'm in shape"
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 15, 2009, 11:10:04
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
- "What is it son."
- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 15, 2009, 12:06:23
ha ha lol! very good!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 15, 2009, 21:50:52
That poor doggie. Must have a deathwish  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 15, 2009, 23:39:04
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 16, 2009, 17:25:35
"Twenty-four! Twenty-four! Twenty-four!"

In da middle of downtown Kalihi next to a manhole is dis guy yellin, "Twenty-four! Twenty four! Twenty four!" den dis curious portagee ask da guy whats he yellin fo. Da guy openz da manhole cover and respondz, "Jump in and check it out!" da portagee climbs into da sewer throo da manhole to check um out. Da guy on da street closes da manhole and stahts shoutin, "Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Twenty-five!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 16, 2009, 19:13:33
He is back in town.
Lent out to the Museum of fine arts in New York, NY the famous statue of Michaelangelo's 'David' is back in Rome, Italy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on March 16, 2009, 19:44:56
lol, good sponsors
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 17, 2009, 19:13:03
(http://dreamschooner.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/flughafen.jpg)

Kindly refrain from playing Solitaire during working hours at the airport! Thanks!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 17, 2009, 20:32:02
Ladys,
If you need someone who hands over the newspaper without ripping out the sportsection first:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who goes crazy with luck everytime he sees you:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who eats everything you serve to him without hearing 'My mum did it better':
Get a dog.
If you want someone who goes out with you no matter how long or how late:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who keeps away from the remote, doesn't care about soccer and watches every soap with you:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who doesn't whine when you come home late and/or drunk:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who has no problem if you got a headache (again):
Get a dog.
If you want someone for whom its enough to sneak beside you, warms your feet and doesn't protest when shoved aside because of his snoring:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who doesn't critisize you and doesn't mind beauty:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who listens to everything you tell him and will love you forever:
Get a dog.
However. If you want someone who comes never home when you call, ignores you when you come home, walks all over you, keeps out all night and comes only home to eat and to sleep and who thinks that the only reason for you being around is to make him happy:
Take a CAT.

And you thought I would say take a man? Shame on you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on March 18, 2009, 08:56:16
Hahaha Thats a good one Aad :lol:

The Englishman, The Irishman, The Scotsman, and The Welshman (making a guest appearance in this joke :lol:) were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save The others.
'I do this for The glory of Scotland,' said The Scotsman and he jumped out.
'We need to lose more weight,' said The captain, so The Welshman shouted ,'I do this for The glory of Wales', and jumped out.
'Sorry,' said The captain, 'I'm afraid we need to lose The weight of just one more person.'
'I do this for The glory of Ireland,' said The Irishman and threw out the Englishman.

Jack ROFL :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 18, 2009, 13:05:54
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 18, 2009, 20:40:33
This announcement: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,13396.msg163740.html#msg163740

did me think about that one (see attachement)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 18, 2009, 20:50:27
Tendjewberrymud
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 18, 2009, 22:02:32
Sounds like the guest could use an Asian-English course.. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 19, 2009, 23:28:48
I think this old geaser has a deathwish too.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on March 21, 2009, 11:44:27
I think this old geaser has a deathwish too.
HAHA. this is a realy good one Aad ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 21, 2009, 12:53:09
Chinese Rabbi

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 21, 2009, 14:23:54
Haha...nice one mike.
Heres a funny one.
(http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/0006/findstuff22/Best%20Images/Funny/FUNNY-FACES1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 21, 2009, 19:09:08
there were 2 english flat mates, one a woman and the other from the North.

the woman needed to get her car fixed, so she asked the northerner

'Can you help fix my car'
'Why would I know how to do that?' he replied
'Well your'e a northerner thats your sort of thing' the woman said
'You know some people are very offended by the stereotypes that you imply on the north' he said
'Ok then, go and nick a car for me!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 21, 2009, 20:58:30
Haha...nice one mike.
Heres a funny one.
(http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/0006/findstuff22/Best%20Images/Funny/FUNNY-FACES1.jpg)

My word! Hasn't TerryRussell got big teeth.

EDITED BY: ME
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 21, 2009, 21:56:13
Just woke up:..........................
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 22, 2009, 11:47:19
That is surprisingly life-like for a cartoon!  :evil:  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on March 22, 2009, 11:52:29
That is surprisingly life-like for a cartoon!  :evil:  ;D  ;D  ;D
Hurry up terry having a sale on marmite crisps in asda that will help
wake up  :thumbs:  :angel:
                                                     Eric
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on March 22, 2009, 13:14:20
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did the conversation end there I wonder.... :evil: :lol:

Now thats funny, made my day that! :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 22, 2009, 18:35:25
LSHMHSS
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 19:56:40
Post deleted at the suggestion of the UN
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 19:58:59
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

It used to be the USS Enterprise and a Canadian lighthouse...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on March 22, 2009, 20:08:49
It used to be the USS Enterprise and a Canadian lighthouse...

Thats what I thought.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 20:19:21
Thats what I thought.

I seem to recall that there was some truth in one of these tales. I know the US/Canadian story pre-dates the British/Irish one.

In any case, the idea that we could put that many ships out at once...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 22, 2009, 20:34:21
B4coffee
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 22:20:47
Gentlemen, please ease up. It's a 'joke' thread, not a political one.
Stuart2007, you know better than double posting. ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg164801.html#msg164801 ) ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg164803.html#msg164803 )

Please explain? I can only see single posts.  :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 00:59:05
How is your life?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 23, 2009, 11:05:01
Blonde Millionaire  


A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 14:34:52
New in Shop
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 23, 2009, 18:26:00
Mike and Aad....Both just lol! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 23, 2009, 18:31:02
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator says: 'Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 23, 2009, 20:45:10
Blonde Millionaire  


A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."




i posted that before
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 23, 2009, 20:49:06
i posted that before

Great minds think alike!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 21:55:50
No comment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 23, 2009, 22:06:47
Nice one Aad. This isn't really a joke but I just did this and thought it was pretty funny. So, in the 3d modeling program "Blender", there is a test model you can aad called Suzanne and it is a monkey. (Kinda like the components in Google Sketchup) The one on the right is how it normally looks, and on the left, look what I did to it...haha...
(http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm308/HmhsBritannic/Haha.png)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 23:21:29
Better memorize where the stuff on your (real life) desktop is situated.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 25, 2009, 18:01:17
My buddy is missing
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 25, 2009, 19:18:33
My wife thought you might enjoy this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw

I think it's wonderfuly funny, not to mention clever!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 25, 2009, 23:20:05
Now figure this.
Ypou're sitting on the back of a magnificant white stallion, to your right a deep ravine, to your left a big Fire-ngine, trying to overtake you, but can't because it's blocked by a motorcycle. In front of you a giant, pink, flying pig. Behind you a big Apache-Helicopter with blazing machine guns. And NO, you're not dreaming. You pinched yourself twice and it hurts. So, how do you escape that situation?

Think first before scrolling down for the answer.



























































Simple, just ask the operator of the Merry-Go-Round to stop his machine.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on March 26, 2009, 00:37:20
My wife thought you might enjoy this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw

I think it's wonderfuly funny, not to mention clever!

wow  :o :o thats amazing!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 26, 2009, 10:13:42
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
>
> The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
>
> Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
>
> Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 26, 2009, 21:05:11
HHMMM, almost like thise one. http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg152186.html#msg152186

This one is new (or is is old, 'cause it's in B&W)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 26, 2009, 21:08:58
  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 26, 2009, 21:13:29
 ;D :lol: ;D
Fish are going modern nowadays, getting piercings etc.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 28, 2009, 15:17:21
So that dude was laying a wooden floor in his home. The oldfashioned way, with a hammer and nails. The nails were all in a large box. So once in a while he throw a nail away. His buddy asked him why. "Well, most of the nails are OK, point down, head up. But some of them are just the other way around, you know. Point up, head down. Useless to nail on the floor."
His buddy said: "You dummy, don't throw them away, you always can use them for the ceiling."

<edit
TYPO
end edit>
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 29, 2009, 15:57:48
There was a small guy sitting in a bar with a pint in front of him, looking rather sad. Then that big guy comes in, slaps him on the back, grabs the pint and swallows it down in one big gulp. The small guy starts wiping..
"Hey, buddy, it's only a pint of beer, why cry?"
"Well, My wife left me this morning, took away all furniture with her and emptied the bank account. My boss told me not to come back. So I decieded to make an end to my life. Guess what, I layed down on the railway track: DETOUR, tried to hang myself, rope broke, tried to shoot myself, the gun jammed. From my last money I bought this pint, added some rat poison to it, and then you drunk it. May I be sad?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 29, 2009, 16:06:54
I have a magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 29, 2009, 17:01:25
I have a magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Great one Mike! :lol: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 29, 2009, 17:03:54
Another one for Sunday:

The customs of an Irishman
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 29, 2009, 19:48:06
That's a great one, Mike.
When you let your (analog) photo's processed in a so called "Instant Photoshop" watch out where you go.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on March 29, 2009, 21:35:11
there was a married couple but there dead and both skeletons but still living in a house and the husband is in the bathroom with the door shut and the wife is out side the door and told his skeleton husband "i told you frank that chili burito with extra beans will go right through you"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 29, 2009, 22:42:34
Three vampires go to a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 30, 2009, 11:33:28
Who Needs A Mid-Life Crisis
     
After being married for 37 years, I took a careful look  at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a  cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch  black black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with an awsome, 21-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a  giant plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a  58-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
     
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told  me to go out and find an  awsome, 21-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again  be living in a cheap apartment,  driving a cheap car, sleeping on a  sofa bed and watching a  10-inch black and white TV.
     
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 30, 2009, 12:31:40
Job at the FBI 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
   
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances..

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home..'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.   

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to
beat him to death with the  damn chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on March 30, 2009, 17:38:10
Really like that one captainmike :P haha
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 30, 2009, 17:58:25
Another one:

I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 31, 2009, 16:29:30
Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 01, 2009, 16:21:13
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 01, 2009, 16:31:55
ha ha ha Mike a hat trick of great ones there!  ;D ROTFLMAO!  ;D ;D Love the blonde on a plane one especially! :lol: :D :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 01, 2009, 18:48:51
Have your bath, mum said. Well, this kid did it the fast way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 03, 2009, 12:46:50
Have your bath, mum said. Well, this kid did it the fast way.

hey calvin and hobbes! great! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 03, 2009, 13:26:41
You can't bring that dog in this bar
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 03, 2009, 16:10:32
Whenever he needs to go he has not to worry about the paper.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 03, 2009, 16:40:50
This is an unpublished agreement made at the G20 Conference:


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on April 03, 2009, 17:58:19
thiz 1 made me laf a lot  :thumbs: goodun
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 06, 2009, 16:40:30
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 06, 2009, 17:31:58
Two strange signs
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 06, 2009, 17:40:40
This is great if you can run faster than lava!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 06, 2009, 17:41:58
Or this, if you can swim faster than a Tsunami!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 06, 2009, 18:57:37
Spring is in the Air, an end is coming hatching the eggs, and then..........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 07, 2009, 20:51:45
Nice one Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 07, 2009, 22:25:32
LOL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 09, 2009, 18:42:21
Everything I need to know, I learned from the Easter Bunny...

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. 
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply.....like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.
The grass is greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can cover the wildest hare.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Happy Easter
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 09, 2009, 20:51:35
Awesome Easter joke Aad, you have quite the sense of humor ;)

Happy Easter everyone!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on April 10, 2009, 09:51:01
I think this video will give you some good time and fun
who can forget him Popeye The Sailor Man
that's my Joke of the day, Not good to tell them.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1089152/popeye_the_sailor_man_poopdeck_pappy/
TJK
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 10, 2009, 10:10:10
Easter Joke:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 10, 2009, 10:57:30
ROFL :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 10, 2009, 15:08:27
AHAHA! Nice one Mike! ;D

Im not very good at making up jokes, im just in this topic to see all your great senses of humor ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 10, 2009, 16:15:37
Here's a great one, as long as you know the difference between a rabbit and a hare!!

Saving the Easter Bunny


A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 10, 2009, 16:20:14
HAHAHAHAHA Nice!

You have quite the sense of humour ;;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 10, 2009, 16:40:23
An Irishman walks over to a counter.
He says "Can I have some potatoes please"

She says "You must be Irish?"

The Irishman bangs his fist on the counter in fury, "Just because I asked for some potatoes doesn’t always mean I'm going to be Irish! That’s so Stereotypical!, If I asked for a Pasta, would you automatically think I was Italian???"

"Well...no...." replied the woman

"If I ordered a curry, would you automatically think I were Indian?" Said the Irishman

"Well...No...." replied the woman

"SO why on earth do you think I'm Irish then?" Says the Irishman.

"Sir" Comes the reply..."This is an Estate Agents".

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 10, 2009, 19:34:15
;D Nice
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Trek on April 12, 2009, 06:30:30
An old "what do you get" one

What do you get if you cross Atlantic Ocean with Titanic?




Half way.

My favorite... Over sized ego's never pay off and never will.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 13, 2009, 21:06:29
There was that Sipyard having trouble with a special decksection of the new Superliner they where building. It always ripped on the exact same spot. The one time from port to starboard, the other time vice versa. Everything they tried brought no solution. Making an extra strong weld...No result, welding an extra beam beneath the deck.....No result. The deadline for the launch was coming closer and closer. At last they put an advert in the locol newspaper and offered a big amount of money for the solution.
Then one day that tiny guy came to their office, claiming he had the solution. Drill tiny holes on the line where that deck would break, in fact, perforate it and make the underside waterthight.
Having tried about anything else, they did so, and what do you think: The deck did hold, even under the most extreme conditions.
Everyone was surprised, and, off course, they payed that man. Just before he walked away, one member of the shipyard asked him what gave him that idea about the perforation. Well, he said, you see that small factory there across the river? That's the place where I am responsible for the recycling of FAULTY TOILETPAPER
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 13, 2009, 21:16:27
My mate got caught stealing a calender.


he got twelve months...............
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 13, 2009, 21:29:15
HA! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 13, 2009, 21:30:52
So, as a result of the financial crisis, that old lady stole half a loaf of bread. Off course, SHE was cought and triald. "How many slices of bread where in that half loaf? " asked the judge. "Well, about twelve." the old woman replied. "Then I give you twelve days inprisonment." said the judge. Suddenly an old man stood up, announced himself as the old womans husband and said: "Your Honour, she stole a can of sweet peas too." :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 13, 2009, 21:32:14
h ha ha ha lol Aad!  :D :lol: :D :lol: :evil: :evil: :D :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 14, 2009, 02:13:03
Easter Joke:



nice!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 14, 2009, 17:56:49
 8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 14, 2009, 17:59:47
 :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 14, 2009, 18:20:33
Father Ted :lol:

(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/02/23/article-1153645-03A4D23F000005DC-648_468x586.jpg)

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 14, 2009, 18:26:53
ha ha ha lol! very good.  :D :lol: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 14, 2009, 18:28:24
Paddy, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub's weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Paddy a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.

The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Paddy extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted.
Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
'It wasn't that great,' he said. 'I think I'll go back to using paper.'

Jack :lol:
p.s. For those who don't know, Father Ted (Picture Above) is an Irish comedy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on April 14, 2009, 18:44:32
A blonde goes into a doctors office for burns on her ears The doctor asks:
What Happened?
She answered i WAS iRONING AND SOMEONE CALLED.
The Doctor replied: So what does that have to do with the burns on your ears?
She replied: I thought the Iron was the phone so I picked it up and put it to my ear(It Hurt)
The Doctor then says But you have a burn on the other ear too.
She Says: He called back  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on April 14, 2009, 18:45:05
And no offence to blondes in that bit :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 14, 2009, 18:47:49
Haha Nice one Matt :lol:

O'Malley retired from the British Army and got a job as an orderly in Brocton Prison hospital. On his first day he met up with an old school pal from Kilkenny.

'Mick,' said his classmate, 'I want you to keep a severe eye on the feller in bed number three.'

'Why's that?' asked O'Malley.

'Well,' said his chum, 'he's been here a month. Already he's had his tonsils removed, his adenoids removed, and his appendix removed. I'm beginning to suspect he's smuggling himself out bit by bit!'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on April 14, 2009, 19:02:33
 ;DGood one
This is TRUE
My dad is About to pull away a 100FT Aluminum dinner boat from dock a Jetski(apparently) hit him (jetskiers are obvilious of things) one of the captains in thre marina called on the marine radio that people are in the water MV valiant is sinking  when just the jetski was sinking because when he hit the boat the people felloff and when he was climbing on and lifted off the seat(those that arent aware of jetskis the seat is a plug lift the seat you pull the plug) So then all of Jersey City's fire Dept was there coast guard boats everything then the "punchline" The coast guard guy asked my father if he felt the tiny 5 ft long jetski hit the 100 aluminum hulleed dinner boat? My father commented do you think I felt the fly hit my windshield thismorning coming here?
This was not so much  a  joke as stupidity from a coast guard member Again No Offence Intended  but seriousely?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kojax on April 15, 2009, 12:34:40
Try this cheeseburger-bed!

 (http://www.bilder-hochladen.net/files/ac7x-4.jpg) (http://www.bilder-hochladen.net/files/ac7x-4-jpg-nb.html) 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 15, 2009, 12:37:41
hes sure in a pickle ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 15, 2009, 12:53:17
Een Belg besluit te gaan solliciteren bij de NS voor een baan als machinist. Onze vriend wordt aangenomen en mag de trein van Eindhoven naar Amsterdam besturen. De trein is nog geen vijf kilometer ver en komt dan tot stilstand. De hoofdconducteur, op de hoogte van de nationaliteit van de machinist, krijgt er de smoor in. - 'EAARRGH!!! Belgen, heb ik dat weer!!' Hij roept de machinist op, maar die reageert niet. - 'Hij zal toch niet dood...' Ten einde raad loopt de hoofdconducteur over de spoorbaan naar de locomotief. Daar ziet hij de Belg, frunnikend aan de wielen. - 'Man, ben je gek? Waar ben je nu weer mee bezig?' - 'Allez mijnheer, hebt ge dan niet gemerkt dat die trein zo schudde en trilde?' - 'Maar dat is toch normaal voor een trein?' - 'Welnee, ge begrijpt het niet! Kijk naar die wielen, ge rijdt op uw velgen, ALLE banden hebt ge kapot gereden!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 15, 2009, 13:38:37
Ahoy Mike,
Since when did you transformed into a Dutchman?
Kind Regards
Aad
BTW, the joke is great
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 15, 2009, 17:09:02
Ahoy Aad

My wife is Dutch!! Off to see the family around Alkmaar in a couple of weeks!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 15, 2009, 18:42:30
Een Belg besluit te gaan solliciteren bij de NS voor een baan als machinist. Onze vriend wordt aangenomen en mag de trein van Eindhoven naar Amsterdam besturen. De trein is nog geen vijf kilometer ver en komt dan tot stilstand. De hoofdconducteur, op de hoogte van de nationaliteit van de machinist, krijgt er de smoor in. - 'EAARRGH!!! Belgen, heb ik dat weer!!' Hij roept de machinist op, maar die reageert niet. - 'Hij zal toch niet dood...' Ten einde raad loopt de hoofdconducteur over de spoorbaan naar de locomotief. Daar ziet hij de Belg, frunnikend aan de wielen. - 'Man, ben je gek? Waar ben je nu weer mee bezig?' - 'Allez mijnheer, hebt ge dan niet gemerkt dat die trein zo schudde en trilde?' - 'Maar dat is toch normaal voor een trein?' - 'Welnee, ge begrijpt het niet! Kijk naar die wielen, ge rijdt op uw velgen, ALLE banden hebt ge kapot gereden!'

erm, yup ??? something about eindhoven, amsterdam and some kilometers? :lol: im sure its funny all the same ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 15, 2009, 19:26:15
Een Belg besluit te gaan solliciteren bij de NS voor een baan als machinist. Onze vriend wordt aangenomen en mag de trein van Eindhoven naar Amsterdam besturen. De trein is nog geen vijf kilometer ver en komt dan tot stilstand. De hoofdconducteur, op de hoogte van de nationaliteit van de machinist, krijgt er de smoor in. - 'EAARRGH!!! Belgen, heb ik dat weer!!' Hij roept de machinist op, maar die reageert niet. - 'Hij zal toch niet dood...' Ten einde raad loopt de hoofdconducteur over de spoorbaan naar de locomotief. Daar ziet hij de Belg, frunnikend aan de wielen. - 'Man, ben je gek? Waar ben je nu weer mee bezig?' - 'Allez mijnheer, hebt ge dan niet gemerkt dat die trein zo schudde en trilde?' - 'Maar dat is toch normaal voor een trein?' - 'Welnee, ge begrijpt het niet! Kijk naar die wielen, ge rijdt op uw velgen, ALLE banden hebt ge kapot gereden!'
I try to translate this joke:
A Belgian decides to apply for a job as enginedriver at the Dutch Railroads (NS). He is accepted and is allowed to drive the train from Eindhoven to Amsterdam. The train is less than 5 Kilometers on his way when he suddenly grinds to a halt. The conductor, aware of the nationality of the driver, is not amused. "Aarrgghhhhhh, Belgiums, and that on my watch!!." He tries to reach the driver by Intercom, but no reaction. He wouldn't be dead?? At last the conductor walks along the tracks to the engine. Only to find the driver fumbling the wheels.. "Mate, have you lost your marbles? What are you doing?" - The driver: "Well, sir, didn't you fell the train shaking and rumbling?" - The conductor: "Well, don't you think that's normal for a train?" - The driver: "Well, don't you see? The train is rolling on his wheel rims, all tyres are burst!!"
To explain it a bit: In Holland we think about the Belgiums as the British do about the Irish  ;D
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 15, 2009, 19:50:23
Hahaha :lol: Thats a good one, I can see what you mean about the idea of the English and Irish :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 15, 2009, 19:53:55
Some beastial jokes??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on April 16, 2009, 00:43:02
Here is a lolcat
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 16, 2009, 16:35:59
Cornish joke:

Visitor: "How do you do?"
Local: " 'ow be ee?"
Visitor: " It is a beautiful day."
Local: "A spoase it be."
Visitor: "Lovely part of the world, this."
Local: "Ayse."
Visitor: "Have you lived here all your life?"
Local: "Not yet."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 20, 2009, 12:51:09
Now you know that all those endless smilies in comments on videos on Youtube are came from... cats!  ;D

(http://i454.photobucket.com/albums/qq268/1j1j1/gatos052-1.jpg)
that is very good!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 20, 2009, 20:33:39
My cat is roaring with laughter!  ;D  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 20, 2009, 22:17:53
But the dog is the master  ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 21, 2009, 03:09:38
New Dog
is the guy suppose to represent anyone?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 21, 2009, 17:18:37
Some beastial jokes??
Haha...that reminds me of when my dog used to come sleeping in my room with me. I started to close the door and sometimes I hear him bang into the door forgetting it was closed. ;D It's like, I am trying to sleep, then all of a sudden...BANG! lol!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 21, 2009, 21:22:13
Excellent!  ;D  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 22, 2009, 02:51:00
Tiger Woods just bought a new yacht from the navy...  ;D
Oh my god! That one had me in tears!!!!! ;D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 22, 2009, 07:44:42
How work in Ireland works:

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9hxvqpGV-Pg/R3WSUnyA4bI/AAAAAAAAAXg/HHH2OG2iRj4/s400/Bloke%2Bfrom%2BPoland.jpg)

Jack ;D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on April 22, 2009, 07:50:24
LOL A good one Jack :lol: :lol:
BDW it's the same in Norway to  :lol:
Tore
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 22, 2009, 09:59:01
Company staff organisztion schedule in Holland
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 22, 2009, 15:10:36
Anyone here ever heard of the wesbite www.meebo.com? Well, if you have, you know they have pollsthat you can take. Here is an actual one I took. I thought it was very funny.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 26, 2009, 15:25:11
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 26, 2009, 16:46:00
Ahoy Aad

Have you shown the wife that one?!?

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 26, 2009, 23:46:02
Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One turned to other and asked "Does this taste funny to you?"   ;D


I was getting into my car yesterday when a man came up and asked "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure. You look great. The world's your oyster. Go for it!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 27, 2009, 00:05:00
Two clowns were eating a cannibal..They were into recycling..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 27, 2009, 16:39:55
Differences between You and Your Boss:

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 27, 2009, 17:48:51
A clown was standing in a kitchen, holding a can of frozen orange juice, staring at it intently.

His friend saw this and asked why.

The clown answered, "The can says, ‘Concentrate’"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 27, 2009, 18:19:20
Light Bulb Jokes:


Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

Q: How many ‘Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 28, 2009, 22:26:30
It's 4 am, I'm sound asleep, suddenly there is a lot of rumbling on my door, ringing the door bell etc.
So, I open the window and ask what the reason for that all was. So there was a guy standing in front of my door and asked me if I could give him a push. Quite upset I told him to let me sleep, after all, it's in the middle of the night. I close the window, resulting in another knokking and ringing the door bell. I open the window and start shouting that he has to leave me alone. My wife, woken up too, asked me what the reason for all that was. So I told her about that guy, requesting a push. Well, she responded: "Don't you remember when your car broke down and you needed a push?" "But it's raining" I tried to save myself. "No reason to be so unkind." was her response. So, I dressed up, went down, opened the door only to see......Nothing and nobody. "Hey, I thought you needed a push?" "I still do!" "But where are you? I don't see you or your car." "Car? What car? I'm sitting overe here, on the swing."
   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 29, 2009, 08:00:36
How many Vstep software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?





None. It's a hardware problem.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 29, 2009, 21:04:54
Hahahahahahaha!
 
Nice one. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 30, 2009, 18:04:49
This made me laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_fPV13lKm4

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 30, 2009, 19:58:22
Lol at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_6RbP3CNUg
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 30, 2009, 21:57:55
THIS is funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh9Mko23JeA
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 01, 2009, 14:25:39
The two most burning questions after you got married:
Shall we take a dog?
Or shall we take kids?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 03, 2009, 16:57:35
Aunt Lizzie was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'
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Later that night........ Lizzie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the left knee.
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 03, 2009, 17:47:51
No, that's where she shot herself!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 03, 2009, 21:21:12
Swimming Swedes

During one of the Swedish army’s annual exercises, a sign on a bridge tells everyone "This bridge is destroyed". The exercise commences, and the Commander in Charge, a Colonel, scans around with his binoculars. Suddenly, he sees a line of soldiers walking over the closed bridge, which is marked with red flags, to simulate that it has been destroyed by an artillery barrage. The Colonel jumps in his TGB11 (Terrängbil 11, Eg. Cross Country Vehicle 11) and races down the hill to the bridge to have a word with the lousy platoon commander that allowed his men to cross a simulated destroyed bridge. As he approaches, he can see that the first soldier in line, a 2nd Lieutenant, carries a poster which says, "Vi simmar (We swim!"




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 03, 2009, 21:58:22
Lots of good ones from you Aad!  :2thumbs: <= Thanks, Fred!

Q. What do you call a short psychic who escaped from a jail?

A. A small medium at large!


Q. Why couldn'tthe bicycle stand up?

A. It was two tired.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: S.Reich on May 03, 2009, 23:13:12
LMAO....This one even made my wife laugh........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 03, 2009, 23:38:28
Priceless Boat Launch

This one gives new definition to "PRICELESS!"

65' Custom Built Motor yacht, staterooms, GPS navigation, twin Supercharged diesels, etc. = $2.5 million

Crane and Rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle = $2,500 per hour

Champagne and Strawberries, dockside, for the excited "soon to be Owners" =$250.00

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two Corporate representatives just prior to "inking" the final Paperwork........Priceless....................................

Check out the guy on the stern, holding on for the ride of the Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on May 03, 2009, 23:48:57
Gentlemen, try to keep them suited for all ages..

Although clearly about the rowboat, that one joke of yours was quite a bit too suggestive Aad, so I removed it.

Hope you understand.

Was a good one though..  :P


Regards,
Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on May 04, 2009, 00:36:15
We have to draw the line somewhere, there is allreadu more than enough leeway in this topic.

If one of us thinks it's crossing the line, and specially if a few of us do, then reason enough to remove it.

If we don't, then slowly but surely, it'll get out of hand, not just in this one, but in other topics or boards too.

The rules are the rules, I stand by our decision here. Some are just too suggestive.


Fred.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2009, 14:57:46
Hope you understand.

Was a good one though..  :P


Regards,
Fred
Ahoy Fred,
That one was to funny to keep it to myself. However, even if just one person thinks it was "over the line" you are right to take the proper action  :thumbs:.
I fully understand and will take care about the jokes I'll keep placing.
Kind regards.
Aad

Q:    Do you know what you call a Snail on a Ship?
A:    A SNAILER!   (Yuk Yuk Yuk)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on May 04, 2009, 16:12:38
A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
 for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
 and documents of new Ferrari parked
 on the street in front of the bank.
 He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
 The loan officer agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
 all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
 as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
 drives the Ferrari into the bank's
 underground garage and parks it there.

 Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
 repays the £5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to £15.41.
 The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
 and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
 but we are a little puzzled.
 While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
 for two weeks for only £15.41
 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser..
This is why we survive.



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on May 04, 2009, 16:26:00
A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
 for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
 and documents of new Ferrari parked
 on the street in front of the bank.
 He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
 The loan officer agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
 all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
 as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
 drives the Ferrari into the bank's
 underground garage and parks it there.

 Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
 repays the £5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to £15.41.
 The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
 and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
 but we are a little puzzled.
 While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
 for two weeks for only £15.41
 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser..
This is why they survive.







LOL! Excellent Traddles!  :2thumbs: ;D :D :lol:

very very funny and true, but i think i've heard it before, whether here or not i cant remember....

PS. Loving the new smilies! :2thumbs: (Fred and Terry I guess! :2thumbs: )
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2009, 18:18:45
Yep, I read it to, on this forum, only the loaner was a blonde.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 04, 2009, 22:47:19
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officer said the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?"



Thought I recognized it, it was one of mine!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2009, 23:20:33
OK, and back to topic.
The swine Flu, now better known as the Mexican Flu, did me place this one (click to enlarge, if necessary).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 05, 2009, 17:50:24
As all tourists that come to the Keys know, Sharks can be a dangerous threat to swimmers, divers and snorkelers. A local Marathon dive master was overheard giving a pre-dive briefing on the boat just before the divers hit the water. "You know", he says - "Its very important that you're properly equipped as a diver before going down. -- and do you know what your most important protection is against Sharks? -- it's your Dive Knife. It's very important that you have a very sharp dive knife that is readily accessible in case you're confronted by a shark while in the water".  One of the divers looked up, wide eye-ed and a little nervous and asked, "I heard that sharkskin is very tough - like sandpaper, and their teeth are razor sharp. How would I handle my dive knife to defend against such a formidable killer?  The dive master paused, picked his dive knife up in his hand and, with a serious, contemplative look, lightly stroked the flat sides of the blade.  "It's all in team work", he quietly responded.  "You always dive close to your buddy, right?  Well, -- when the shark gets close and looks like he's ready to attack, ..... you reach for your dive knife .... hold it out straight in front of you, then  .......................then ............
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GRAB YOUR BUDDY - SLIT HIS THROAT - AND SWIM AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 05, 2009, 19:02:23
Ahoy Fred,
That one was to funny to keep it to myself. However, even if just one person thinks it was "over the line" you are right to take the proper action  :thumbs:.
I fully understand and will take care about the jokes I'll keep placing.
Kind regards.
Aad

Thanks, Aad.

I also thought it was past the line we drew in the sand at "suitable for seven year olds". As Fred says, we do allow a considerable amount of leeway, but if we permit things to get too far past the line, it is difficult to censure someone else for something similar elsewhere on the forum.


Speaking of suitable for seven year olds:

I went to the doctors.

He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

So I got up on it and said "I'm the most handsome man in the world. My Mother-in-Law is the most understanding woman I've ever met. My Bank Manager is a great help in these hard tiimes".  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on May 05, 2009, 19:41:21
Lie = Tell porkies ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 05, 2009, 21:05:08
Thanks, Aad.

I also thought it was past the line we drew in the sand at "suitable for seven year olds". As Fred says, we do allow a considerable amount of leeway, but if we permit things to get too far past the line, it is difficult to censure someone else for something similar elsewhere on the forum.


Speaking of suitable for seven year olds:

I went to the doctors.

He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

So I got up on it and said "I'm the most handsome man in the world. My Mother-in-Law is the most understanding woman I've ever met. My Bank Manager is a great help in these hard tiimes".  ;D


This must be particular brand of West Sussex humour for 7 year olds!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on May 05, 2009, 21:40:59
Hahaha I laughed out loud at that one Terry, especially the Mother In Law bit! :lol: :2thumbs:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 05, 2009, 21:43:35
I hope this one is suitable. I'm sure it is, even unborn childs will like it (or not).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on May 05, 2009, 23:10:33
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
LOL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 06, 2009, 11:04:04
An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van, covered with
hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.


A man went to the Doctor. He said 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck in my ear'.

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 07, 2009, 21:26:01
No comment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 08, 2009, 16:05:08
R E V E N G E   of the Bird
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 08, 2009, 18:28:23
Poor dog? How would you feel if a stranger would pee through your homes door?  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on May 08, 2009, 18:32:12
Poor dog? How would you feel if a stranger would pee through your homes door?  ;D
I know I wouldn't do what that bird did.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 09, 2009, 23:06:47
Some boat related fun (although perhaps not so much fun for the people shown here)  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CC4plAJvuE&feature=rec-HM-r2


Man eating fish?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhylDDyUxJk&feature=related
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 10, 2009, 15:40:43
After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself. 
"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell. First let me describe them for you.
On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."
"And what about hell?" the couple asked.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on May 10, 2009, 16:45:47
Hey there are only so many jokes out there do you expect us to read all 900+ posts to see if its there?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 10, 2009, 18:02:07
Not necessary to read them all, but the SEARCH function does it for you. (I just searchrd for fill with water)

Her's the simulair one http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg159903.html#msg159903

Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on May 10, 2009, 18:06:20
RRR of coures Captain Mike had one like it >:(   :doh: Its all good :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 10, 2009, 19:00:22
Okay, and back on topic we are:

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on the windward rail?

A: Time to ask yourself why you have such a hard time getting crew.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 11, 2009, 21:42:00
An old man and a young man fished together on a regular basis.
One day the old man had a jar of peanuts by his side. The young man loves peanuts but the old man did not offer him any.
After a time and while the old man was looking the other way, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts.
Eventually the young man, feeling guilty, confesses to taking the peanuts.
"That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the Peanut M&Ms."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 12, 2009, 23:15:17
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 13, 2009, 23:02:19
 



Forgive me for I know not what I do!!


John and Paul went fishing together for the first time. Paul immediately pulled in a nice 3lb Bass. John was shocked and surprised when Paul grabbed the fish and began to slap him silly with it.

Suddenly Paul broke off the attack and began apologizing profusely. "It's a compulsion I have and I have no control over my actions; I'm so embarrassed", exclaimed Paul.

"Well, you're going to have to get some help and see a psychiatrist", said John, "before I will ever go fishing with you again!"

Six Months later Paul called John and they arranged to go fishing again. Once again Paul quickly caught a small Bass. Grabbing it he once again attacked John slapping him silly with the fish. This time Paul did not stop the attack to apologize. John had to restrain him almost capsizing the boat.

"I thought you were going the see a shrink and get this fixed", yelled John as he held Paul down.

"I did", said Paul, squirming.

"Well it didn't help", roared John!

"Oh yes it did", said Paul. "I still have the compulsion, but I have now learned to accept it!"
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on May 14, 2009, 01:03:52
 :doh: YUK YUK YUK  Im all out  :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 14, 2009, 15:55:28
Oh Dear!!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 16, 2009, 17:46:03
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had all entered a singlehanded race but failed to make it to the starting line.
The brunette lost her mast overboard during a grueling qualifying passage and couldn't get it repaired in time.

The redhead decided the flexing of the hull around the keelbolts she discovered at the last moment might lead to structural failure when she was far at sea and beyond the range of easy rescue.

The blonde couldn't find a crew.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 17, 2009, 21:13:28
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.
A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.
The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on May 17, 2009, 21:51:10
 :D :D :D

lol
That was a good one Aad!  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 17, 2009, 23:47:20
 :2thumbs: Excellent one, Aad!



Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?


A. Dam!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 17, 2009, 23:52:09
It's strange, isn't it?

If you stand in the middle of a library and scream 'aaaaagghhhh', everyone stares at you.

But if you do the same thing on an aeroplane, everyone joins in  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 18, 2009, 10:42:10
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.
A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.
The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."



Ahoy Aad

That's one of the best!!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 18, 2009, 17:41:27
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "And, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At the River".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on May 22, 2009, 01:48:49
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "And, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At the River".
LOL, that was a great one :2thumbs:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 22, 2009, 19:41:43
I love this Doctor!
Wonder where his office is....I'd schedule an appointment!!! Makes sense to me......

 
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap. 

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for  your figure,   explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape! 

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about  food   and diets.

And  remember:
'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride' 

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you. 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 22, 2009, 20:10:05
So, I will arrive worn out, but going "What a ride!". Must be OK, then.

***

A man went to his doctor and asked how he could live a long time.

The doctor said:

"Don't smoke".

"Don't drink alcohol".

"No tea, coffee, sweetened beverages or other flavoured drinks. Plain water only".

"No meat. Nothing with any strong taste. Just eat the blandest vegetables you can find. Turnips should be a major part of your intake".

"No butter. No margarines or other spreads".

"No excitement. Stay in a darkened room in quiet contemplation".

"Avoid the excitement of beautiful women. Remain in that darkened room in quiet contemplation".

The man looked at his doctor and asked "So that will make me live a long time then?".

The doctor said "No. But it will certainly feel like it".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 25, 2009, 16:16:51
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected  themselves with curry powder by mistake -  both are in intensive care... one  has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on May 27, 2009, 03:48:52
Here are one for me, i let you tube tell it for me

Sorry for this one, did not know watt the words means ed, i toot it was a innocent blond jock  :doh:

TJK
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dudwasup on May 27, 2009, 04:23:58
ive got a good joke here it is


john is taking mrs smith to court because she suposedly kicked his french bull dog after all the evidence is shown the judge makes his decision and finds mrs smith inicent john is very upset and asks the judge if he can call mrs smith a pig the judge says no john you will not speak like that in my court room john thinks for a second and then he asks the judge can i call a pig mrs smith and the judge says shure why not and jhon looks over at mrs smith and says good morning mrs smith
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 28, 2009, 21:47:17
Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often..

But push the wrong button and you're  disconnected for the rest of your life...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on May 28, 2009, 21:52:10
What women say
And what they MEAN


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 28, 2009, 21:56:19
 :thumbs: L.M.S.O.

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 02, 2009, 11:06:57
Don't talk to my parrot ...

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
     

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'                     
           
 'I MUST STRESS TO YOU:  DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,'Get himSpike!'

See - Men just don't listen!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 02, 2009, 21:17:32
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."   :evil:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on June 02, 2009, 21:22:19
The people shouldn't swim in the water if there are gators or sharks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 02, 2009, 22:01:33
I don't get it...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 02, 2009, 22:22:37
IT WAS A MYSTERY AND HE TOLD HIM THE ENDING  ::)
Took me a few times too
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 02, 2009, 22:27:50
I still don't get it. That wasn't mentioned in the (well...if you could call it a joke) joke.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 02, 2009, 22:51:10
I still don't get it. That wasn't mentioned in the (well...if you could call it a joke) joke.
And we call woman with a certain color of hair dumb  :evil:
A tip is a small amount of money, given for an extra-ordinary service (in this case giving the guy a better place)as well as a hint.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 02, 2009, 23:59:13
As in:

I took a taxi ride today in London.

When I got home, my wife asked "Did you give the cabby a tip?".

"Of course!", I replied. "I told him to back Mumma's Boy in the 2:30 at Epsom today."  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 03, 2009, 00:30:42
Here is one you should get if not...
OK three marines are going into the desert and they all bring supplies
1st brings guns and ammunition
2nd brings food and water
3rd brings a car door  :-\
They are walking and then the 1st two ask why he brought a car door.
He replies simply "If it get's hot I can roll down the window"  ;D
Corny...yes funny sure  ;D

Ive been running out of jokes since they're all pretty much taken >:(  :evil:
Enjoy
Matt  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 03, 2009, 00:39:29
So that blind guy stumbled accidently into a 'womans only' bar. He orderd a drink and after a while he "said: "I know a good "Blonde" joke, shall I tell it?" One of the woman answerd: "Before You start I have to warn you. I'm 6 feet tall, weight about 150 pounds and I'm blonde. The woman after the counter is about my size and champion in Judo and she's blonde too. The one beside you is a wrestling champ and blonde, the one behind you has a black belt in karate and is blonde, and across the room is another blonde who is champion Kick Boxing and, off course, also blonde. So, will you still tell that Joke?"
After a second or so of total silence the guy said:"Not if I have to explain it five times"  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 03, 2009, 13:11:46
VERY funny Aad!!

 :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 03, 2009, 18:35:08
The Police have stated that he is expected to make a full recovery once his broken legs are mended and other parts of him are located and stitched back on.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 10:15:44
The Police have stated that he is expected to make a full recovery once his broken legs are mended and other parts of him are located and stitched back on.

ROTFLOL

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 16:56:03
Three days ago, the local Police Station was robbed of its toilets....police say they have nothing to go on.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 16:56:57
Lego or Logo?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 16:58:17
Lego or Logo?

Haha, I don't know why I put lego :doh: *ahem* Local.

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 17:00:34
Maybe you have Lego police in Fleetwood?

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 17:03:06
We are very advanced in Fleetwood Mike :lol:

(http://www.1000steine.com/brickset/images/7235-1.jpg)

Jack :lol: :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 17:04:47
So it was a joke after all!!

http://www.usacops.com/pa/p19522/index.html

I thought you were in Lancs not Berks!

ROTFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 17:07:41
Ahhhh! :o My secret is unvailed :lol:

Check my flag :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 17:12:08
A man in jail for a robbery was visited by his wife. "This is the time of year I'd be planting potatoes in the back garden," he said. "Well, I have no time to dig up the garden," replied his wife. "Don't you worry about that," he said. All you'll have to do is plant them just wait and see." After she had gone, he wrote her a letter: "Dear Mary, There is some stuff buried in the back garden that should be passed on to the boys. Can you see to it for me? Love, Michael."
The following day, a group of policemen descended on the back garden with spades, dug it all over, found nothing, and went away.
The day after that, she planted the potatoes.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 04, 2009, 23:14:41
Two men struck up a conversation in a hotel lobby. Both felt a quick friendship growing.
The first man said, "would you like to go into the bar, have a drink and a fine cigar?"
"No thanks", replied the other," I tried drinking once and didn't like it. I also tried smoking once and didn't like it either".
"That's fine", said the first man, "listen, I have some time and the ocean is nearby let's rent a boat and go do some fishing".
"No, I tried boating once but didn't like it. I also tried fishing once. I didn't catch anything and didn't like it", explained the other. "However, my son will be along soon and I'm sure he would like to go fishing."
The first man looked at his new acquaintance and remarked, "Your only son, no doubt!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 05, 2009, 07:39:59
Common Sailing Terms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 05, 2009, 10:45:43
 :lol:

Some good "nautical term" explanations.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 05, 2009, 13:21:28
Very good Jack!

 :captain:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 05, 2009, 16:41:51
I thought you'd like that one :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 05, 2009, 16:58:44
The Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone.
Finally a faint reply crackled over the static: "I'm executive vice president of Microsoft - please hurry!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 06, 2009, 13:37:15
Common Sailing Terms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
thats pretty good and funny  :2thumbs: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 06, 2009, 13:48:15
Aad was sitting on a bench near the waterside along Willemsplein, when a young man sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... red, green, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that Aad was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Aad replied, "I got incredibly drunk once. I was so plastered that I had no idea what I was doing."

"So?" said the young man. "So have lots of people. "What about it?"

"Well, " said Aad, "When I sobered up, I found that I had married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 06, 2009, 18:58:49
Ahoy Terry,
I will have a good hearty word with my wife about that last one ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php?topic=10830.msg178084#msg178084 ). You must have heard that from her. How can she tell you our 'Bed-Secrets'  :-[
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 06, 2009, 19:38:34
It was when Dana and I met you in Rotterdam last time.... (I'm there again with Ballast tomorrow and Monday)  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 06, 2009, 20:37:38
Aad was sitting on a bench near the waterside along Willemsplein, when a young man sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... red, green, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that Aad was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Aad replied, "I got incredibly drunk once. I was so plastered that I had no idea what I was doing."

"So?" said the young man. "So have lots of people. "What about it?"

"Well, " said Aad, "When I sobered up, I found that I had married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
:D
Good stuff, good stuff. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 06, 2009, 20:51:01
Your Turn!

No one in the town could catch as many fish as Paul. The game warden asked him how he did it. Paul told the game warden that he would be happy to take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake Paul took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating. Paul took out a net and scooped up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal and that, as much as he hated it , he had to arrest him!

Paul took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said, "are you going to talk or fish?!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 06, 2009, 21:12:28
Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Will it cross it before he's old?
Ah Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 07, 2009, 14:38:12
Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present.
Henderson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store.
When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny.
"They transferred my call," Henderson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welc0me1 on June 08, 2009, 01:49:25
Your Turn!

No one in the town could catch as many fish as Paul. The game warden asked him how he did it. Paul told the game warden that he would be happy to take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake Paul took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating. Paul took out a net and scooped up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal and that, as much as he hated it , he had to arrest him!

Paul took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said, "are you going to talk or fish?!"



 Hahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

 ;D * I think that's how its spelled? 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 08, 2009, 08:07:18
*LINUX
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 08, 2009, 16:21:27
"Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?" asked the little girl.
The mother shook her head no firmly.
"Pleeease?" she begged. "Daddy's swimming out there."
"I know, darling, but he's insured".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 08, 2009, 16:28:30
Hahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

 ;D * I think that's how its spelled? 

Dont get it...yet
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 09, 2009, 01:26:18
Hahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

 ;D * I think that's how its spelled?  
Haha! ;D
Matt, basically, the joke means Windows is jank.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 09, 2009, 09:12:31
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

   


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
 
 
 


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

 


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

 


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

 

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.
 



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
 



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
 
 



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..

 

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,..
 




...silver, topaz, and amethyst


 

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
 
 
 
 
   
 


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
 

















. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 09, 2009, 18:52:05
A man fell overboard from his little boat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up.
"Jump in, we'll save you" they screamed.
"No" cried the drowning man, "God will save me".
The scene was repeated twice and then a helicopter hovered over the man.
"We came to rescue you" - yelled the pilot.
"No, God will save me" was the response again.
The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus.
"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?!"
"Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on June 10, 2009, 17:22:27
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To heck with this!" & storms off

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
                                                                      :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 10, 2009, 17:29:56
Not really a Joke as it was true, but very funny anyway!


From yesterdays Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.

The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400. per day for the last 23 years...!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 11, 2009, 15:58:54
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP..
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.
Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.
Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..   Today you voted.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 11, 2009, 16:08:42
 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 15, 2009, 19:40:06
BBQ RULES  
 
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:  

Routine...  
1   The woman buys the food.  
2   The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .  
3   The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.  
4   The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.  

Here comes the important part:  
5   THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

  
More routine...  
6   The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.  
7   The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
  
Important again:  
8   THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.  

 
More routine...  
9   The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.  
10   After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  
And most important of all:  
11   Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

  
12   The man asks the woman how she enjoyed '  her night off   ',   and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Sorry, Ladies.   :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 15, 2009, 19:59:11
Hahaha :lol: That's a gooden' Aad.

Some MORE Nautical Terms! ;D :lol:

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 17, 2009, 13:47:36
Haha! ;D
Matt, basically, the joke means Windows is jank.
i have at my house a windows vista
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 17, 2009, 13:51:50
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

   


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
 
 
 


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

 


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

 


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

 

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.
 



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
 



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
 
 



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..

 

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,..
 




...silver, topaz, and amethyst


 

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
 
 
 
 
   
 


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
 

















. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


rotfl lol  :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 17, 2009, 22:50:14
"I finally snapped," the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof."
"What did you do?" asked his friend.
"I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift."
"Did it help?"
"I'll say. Tomorrow we're selling my golf clubs and fishing equipment."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 18:29:41
you might wanna think twice before you say yes to have a fishing competition with anybody  :doh: ;D

 ;D

lol

That is good.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 18, 2009, 18:56:32
you might wanna think twice before you say yes to have a fishing competition with anybody  :doh: ;D

I've seen the "Proper" version of that :lol: :2thumbs:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 19:03:57
Proper version?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 18, 2009, 19:06:58
Yes...Lets just say, it has something else written in that Bubble! Haha :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 18, 2009, 19:34:41
And I'm pretty sure that it was not suitable for 7 year old kids  :evil:
Well, this one is.

The city slicker was fishing with a fancy new rod and all the latest lures, but hadn't had a nibble by lunchtime. Adding to his irritation was the fact that a farm boy in a rowboat not far away had pulled in a number of good-sized bass. They quit about the same time, and the man couldn't help asking the farm boy. "You caught all those fish with that old stick - and a bent pin for a hook?" he croaked disbelievingly. "What's your secret?"
The boy shrugged and hitched up his overalls. "I guess I just keep myself out of sight."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 19:38:44
I don't get it...  ???

(sorry)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 18, 2009, 19:43:55
I don't get it...  ???

(sorry)
City Slicker, fancy outfit, shining stuff. Scares the fish off. Got it now?  :doh:

The fishing party was hopelessly lost in the deep woods.
The sun was going down and the mosquitoes starting to bite when one of the fishermen growled, "I thought you said you were the best guide in Minnesota."
"Oh I am," replied the guide firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in Montana by now."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 21:11:44
I get it now.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 19, 2009, 07:33:45
And I'm pretty sure that it was not suitable for 7 year old kids  :evil:

Correct :angel:

Jack :doh: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 19, 2009, 15:22:21
The determined angler staggered up to the counter with an arm load of the latest gear.
As the cashier was ringing up the total, which came to several hundred dollars, he sighed and commented:
"You know, you could save me an awful lot of money if you'd just start selling fish here."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 20, 2009, 18:37:54
Lawyer with a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied.  'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on June 20, 2009, 19:06:39
Haha, what a jerk :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 20, 2009, 19:47:33
Haha, what a jerk :P
No, just a lawyer  :evil:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. And every year Morris would say: 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied: 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said: 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied: 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said: 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said: 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied: 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know,
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Carter on June 20, 2009, 22:17:52
2 women sitting together, quietly.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 20, 2009, 22:47:21
2 women sitting together, quietly.
?
I don't get it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on June 20, 2009, 22:56:30
2 women sitting together QUIETLY

Women are very very very very very very very very EXTREMELY talkative ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 20, 2009, 22:57:09
Hahahahahahaha! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 00:27:03
2 women sitting together, quietly.
LOL :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 21, 2009, 01:29:58
Lol I knew something was wrong there as soon as I read it  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 21, 2009, 07:18:29
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

Jack :lol: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 12:19:58
Hope is a wonderful thing - one little nibble keeps a man fishing all day.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 21, 2009, 13:30:01
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

Jack :lol: :2thumbs:

Haha nice one Jack - that made me smile ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 14:53:20
The Good Old Titanic


Arriving at port the fishing boat captain was approached by one of his new crewmen.

"Captain, sir ", said the young fellow," I would like to introduce you to my Great Aunt Mary." After exchanging pleasantries the crewman and his aunt left.

The next morning while preparing to leave port the crewman thanked the captain for his time with his aunt. "She loves boats", said the crewman, "You know all my life growing up she told me many stories of when she was on the Titanic!"

"Are you telling me that your aunt survived the sinking of the Titanic?!!" exclaimed the shocked captain.

"Wow!" said the crewman, "that's why you're the captain, sir. All those years and that's one question I never thought to asked her!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 21, 2009, 17:39:00
LOL!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 17:45:46
John decided scrape and paint the hull of his 21 foot wood cruiser. Not being sure how much paint to buy and knowing that Paul, a close friend who had the same size boat had recently painted his, he gave him a call.
"Paul," he said, "How many gallons of paint did you buy for your boat?"
"Six," said Paul.
John went out and bought six gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over!
Calling Paul again, "Paul," he said, "I bought six gallons of paint for my boat , but I've got two gallons left over."
"Yes," said Paul, "So did I."   :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on June 21, 2009, 18:50:55
Haha! ROFL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on June 21, 2009, 18:55:40
Doh...  :doh:  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 21:14:50
And You Are??

The years had taken their toll on the old sea captain. All those years of hard drinking and life at sea left the old salt with a pot belly sagging butt and a double chin.

Concerned about retirement which was imminent, and wanting to settle down with a pretty wench on land, the sea captain decided to embark on a self improvement program. He went on a diet, exercised and gave up drinking. He lost his gut, firmed up his body and even purchased a toupee he looked 20 years younger.

During his final voyage his ship came up against a storm and the captain was lost overboard. While the captain was floating in the middle of the ocean he raised his voice to heaven, "God, how could you do this to me on the eve of my retirement ? "

God answered, " To tell you the truth captain, I didn't recognize you!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 22, 2009, 07:46:30
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 22, 2009, 14:06:09
 ;D  :D  ;D  :D  ;D

That had me laughing for aaages  ;D

Thanks for sharing that :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 22, 2009, 15:45:02
Timing is Everything!

Sitting at the cruise ship's bar the man, celebrating with his wife their 25th wedding anniversary with this cruise, was lamenting his tumultuous marriage. "Years ago I hated my wife so much I seriously considered killing her. I knew then that if I did I would get at least 20 years in jail for second degree murder. A co-worker who discovered my plans talked me out of it.

"Wow!" said the bartender, " that was a real friend to do that for you!"

"He's no friend of mine!" said the man.

"Why not?" asked the bartender.

"Because, today I would be a free man!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 23, 2009, 19:54:45
How true is this!!!


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 24, 2009, 13:48:34
How true is this!!!


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Not really a joke as it is true!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 24, 2009, 17:41:49
Not really a joke as it is true!!
You're so right. If it wasn't so ridiculous  ;D you could cry :'( about it, and if it wasn't so pitiful  :'( you could laugh  ;D about it.
Anyhow, here is a new one:

First Mate Comes First!


The Captain was angry and could barely contain himself. The sailing race of the year was about to start but he confronted his First Mate anyway.

"I just found out that you have been getting huge kickbacks from our suppliers which made our costs double! Plus, I know you sold our new hull design to our biggest competitor team!! I also understand that yesterday you fooled around with my wife!!!

Visibly shaken the Captain shouted, "This is unacceptable behavior and beyond what could ever be forgiven!"

"You're absolutely right Captain" said the First Mate, "I guess our winning streak together comes to an end today!"

"Uh, right.....well, all I have to say is one more stunt and you're off the boat."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 24, 2009, 17:58:01
Hmm I dont get it ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 25, 2009, 17:17:22
Hmm I dont get it ???

Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 25, 2009, 18:17:25
it just seems like a week ago that this topic only 16 pages
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 25, 2009, 18:49:09
Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
:evil:

One Good Tern Will Do It

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am.The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor to, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a Tern landed on the broom handle. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The Tern left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle.
The sailor went through the same routine over and over again. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returned. In the morning the chief petty officer, came to checked the sailor and his work.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a Tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!" 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 26, 2009, 03:25:13
now thats good aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on June 26, 2009, 12:50:12
OFFENSIVE JOKE REMOVED BY REQUEST
Please try to remember the 7 years old rule
                                                          Eric
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on June 26, 2009, 13:44:51
I once told my mate I was gonna be a comedian.

He laughed.


(that was awful wasnt it)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 26, 2009, 17:08:48
OFFENSIVE JOKE REMOVED BY REQUEST
Please try to remember the 7 years old rule
                                                          Eric

Was it a good one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 26, 2009, 18:39:29
Was it a good one?

 ::) Probably. ;D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on June 26, 2009, 18:41:49
HI
Not really guys read a lot better
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 26, 2009, 18:43:38
Thats a shame!! :doh:

Or maybe not...Since then, I would be thinking if the joke was good or not, and if I had missed out.

 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 26, 2009, 22:41:00
The Perfect Holy Storm

The buyer of the sailboat thought the seller was kidding when he told him he was buying a holy boat.
His instruction to the buyer was, " if you yell PRAISE THE LORD the wind will fill your sails! The louder you yell the greater the wind. To stop the wind yell THE DEVIL IS DEAD."

During his first trip out and feeling a little silly he, in a modest tone uttered, "Praise the Lord". Poof, the sails billowed and moved the boat through the water at a nice clip.
Was it a coincidence?

A little louder he yelled "PRAISE THE LORD", and the boat lurched forward doing 30 knots!
Now excited and drunk with his newfound power he yelled, "PRAISE THE LORD" three times in a row!

Suddenly the new sailor realized what he had done! Winds of hurricane proportion started beating his boat! How to make it stop? He could not remember the words!
With his sails now in tatters and in fear of losing his boat the sailor suddenly remembered,
"THE DEVIL IS DEAD", he roared!

There was suddenly calm.

Shaken beyond belief the sailor fell on his back and looking to heavens and in the loudest voice he could muster roared with relief, "PRAISE THE LOOOORRRD!!!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 27, 2009, 22:05:39
Hahahaha...good one Aad! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 27, 2009, 22:49:24
Honest Teacher !!
John and Paul were late to school, the school bell having chimed through the small valley a half hour before. The principal confronted the truants and asked where they have been.

John said, "I was dreaming that I was getting ready to go on a steamboat trip to New Orleans. I thought the school bell was the boat leaving and dreaming that I was too late decided I did not need to get out of bed.

The Principal asked Paul, " So, what do you have to say young man?"

Paul said," I was on the dock waiting waiting for John!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 28, 2009, 08:37:12
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor´s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You´re not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I´m actually a blonde."

"I thought so" the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken".  
    
Jack :lol: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 13:49:51
 :lol: good one jack
here is a topic joke http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,773.0.html (http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,773.0.html)
Not so much a joke, just the worlds stupidest topic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 14:09:21
Simple just clicked on pg 105 and looked back looking for old topics :doh: :thumbs: U and I should start a new thread, it would be a hit, I can see it now "Forum Game" Stupidest threads  :lol:

EDIT: Looks like Aad wasnt the only one with a "Joke" topic http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2463.0.html (http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2463.0.html)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 14:21:23
Ahhhh well then...





put it back put it back put it back

hahaha we desperately need it :thumbs:

EDIT: This topic is once again another one that did a 90degree turn, for the worse :evil:
Scroll down in the topic
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2940.0.html (http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2940.0.html)

I think we shall get back on topic before Aad slaps us with a herring ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 14:58:22
And that would be a green one, comlete with onions   :evil:

Skier Inbound


Looking out his window Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock. Running to the man's aid he noticed two broken water skies on the dock. As he drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions cuts an scrapes all over his body. One leg was twisted in a way that would indicate that it was broken.
Kneeling over the man Paul asked, "what happened?"
The skier replied, "I don't know I just got here myself!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 28, 2009, 17:12:03
And that would be a green one, comlete with onions   :evil:

Skier Inbound


Looking out his window Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock. Running to the man's aid he noticed two broken water skies on the dock. As he drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions cuts an scrapes all over his body. One leg was twisted in a way that would indicate that it was broken.
Kneeling over the man Paul asked, "what happened?"
The skier replied, "I don't know I just got here myself!"

Oh!!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 17:31:50
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world at a depth of 20 feet. He noticed a guy at the same depth but he had on no SCUBA gear!
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him. The diver went below 25 feet more, and once again, the guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out his board and marker, and wrote, "How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy grabbed the board, quickly erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU FOOL!!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 18:28:58
Ahoy Diamant,
How boring can you be?
Consider yourself warned by this Octupuss.
Next time it will be a Herring
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 19:08:14
Haha diamant those gave me a laugh :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 20:15:51
Ahoy Diamant,
Well, then create that topic, but stop the 'Idle Chatter' in this one.
Here comes the Herring

The Near Perfect Storm


A guest, on a private sailboat on a compass heading to the Bahamas, had to hit the head. Excusing himself he left the main cabin.
Shortly after, a sudden squall hit the ship. A giant freak wave rolled over the vessel and, with a stress breach in the hull, the boat began taking on water!
Just short of sinking and with his guests and crew in the life boat, the captain realized someone was missing. Working his way towards the aft cabins and fighting the onslaught of water rushing in, he broke open the door to the head.
There stood the missing guest. Shaken and confused he looked at the captain and said, "I don't understand, all I did was pull the handle!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 29, 2009, 01:26:44
And that would be a green one, comlete with onions   :evil:

Skier Inbound


Looking out his window Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock. Running to the man's aid he noticed two broken water skies on the dock. As he drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions cuts an scrapes all over his body. One leg was twisted in a way that would indicate that it was broken.
Kneeling over the man Paul asked, "what happened?"
The skier replied, "I don't know I just got here myself!"
i don't get it (what's the funny part?)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 29, 2009, 10:30:34
i don't get it (what's the funny part?)

Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 29, 2009, 16:13:13
Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:

 :evil:

LOL   That's superb, Aad!  :2thumbs:   Can I have a cookie?
Ahoy Diamant,
Here you got the cookie. Enjoy

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 29, 2009, 16:21:57
© IRI5HJ4CK, 2009.  :doh:


OOOPS, My fault. I removed it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 29, 2009, 16:29:50
OOOPS, My fault. I removed it.

No worries Aad :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 29, 2009, 16:35:48
OOOPS, My fault. I removed it.


Removed my comment. Two great Jokes which Diamant has quoted, can only find one though?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 29, 2009, 16:38:26
Removed mine, Diamant should remove his or else it looks daft!

He'll blend in with the crowd then... :evil: :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 29, 2009, 16:47:05
He'll blend in with the crowd then... :evil: :lol:

Jack.

Jack

That will be the day!!

 :doh: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 29, 2009, 17:35:08
Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
now i get it!! :P ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 29, 2009, 20:22:06
John enters a bookstore and asks the saleswoman: "Where can I find a book called The man is the Boss at Home".
After a few moments of thinking the saleswoman answers: "Third row on your left in the section Fairy Tales".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 29, 2009, 20:25:08
as funny as ever aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 29, 2009, 22:06:12
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

Jack :lol:
The best I have heard! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 30, 2009, 21:32:49
rofl! :2thumbs: :2thumbs: ;D ;D :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 30, 2009, 21:34:30
Multistory ship park anyone?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 30, 2009, 22:07:59
Those Pesky Green Peace People

Sunburned and upset Sandy returned to the office Monday morning.
"What's wrong Sandy?" asked one of her co-workers.
"I've had it!" exclaimed Sandy " I'm going on a diet once and for all!"
"Oh you don't look so bad", said the co-worker.
"Oh really?", pouted Sandy. "Sunday, I decided to go to the beach and fell asleep. I woke up with four men from Green peace pulling on my arms and legs and one was shouting: "Quick, lets see if we can slide it back into the water!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 30, 2009, 22:11:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol: ;D Haha good one Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 30, 2009, 22:27:33
**Suggests Aad ducks for cover and battens down the hatch before any woman spot the joke**
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 30, 2009, 22:37:59
One day a frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack. "Ms. Whack," he says, "I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat."
Patti furrows her brow and asks, "Well, how much do you want to borrow?"
"$30,000," the frog says.
"Really?" she asked, eyebrow raised.
"Yes," he said. digging into his pants pocket and produced a tiny pink porcelain elephant. "And I want to use this as collateral."
"Okay," Patti said, accepting the elephant. "I'll have to ask the president of the bank about this."
"That's fine," he said. "I'm sure he will vouch for me."
Patti walked into the president's office and explained the situation.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this" (she holds up the tiny pink elephant )as collateral. What the heck is this thing?"

The president said: "That's a knickknack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. "

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on June 30, 2009, 23:52:09
Reminds me of the men working on the roof at Buckingham Palace.  They both fell from the roof and became stuck in a rain collecting barrel.
Meanwhile, Doug, who is up for a knighthood is in the middle of a crisis - the sword for the ceremony cannot be found.  Eventually, a rubber toy sword is borrowed from one of the granchildren and Doug is duly knighted.
On his way out, he spots the men stuck in the barrel and goes to pull them out.
Headline in newspaper:
Rubber dubbed Doug frees men in a tub.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 01, 2009, 17:30:14
Did You Forget Something?

A child was playing on the beach when a tidal wave came in and swept him into the water.
Ever alert, the lifeguard dove into the water and fought through the swells. After one last giant effort he reached the child. Holding the child securely, he swam back to shore.
The child's mother rushed to them. She kissed her most precious son then turned to the exhausted lifeguard and said: " Where's his hat?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 01, 2009, 20:00:18
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fDBl1wT2Lk&feature=channel_page
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 07:40:29
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."

So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

Jack :lol: LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 02, 2009, 11:48:36
HAHA that's good, here are mine


(http://i44.tinypic.com/14llfu9.gif)


Tore
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 13:54:42
HAHA that's good, here are mine


(http://i44.tinypic.com/14llfu9.gif)


Tore
don't get it :'( :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 14:17:08
give me a clue?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 15:05:58
ohhhhhhhh :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:now i get it!!! :-X ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 02, 2009, 15:26:29
Capn_Cal another option is the MODIFY button then type EDIT now I get it  :doh: youll learn soon enough :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:10:53
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weIbm3m-Xbo
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 16:28:49
ohhhhhhhh :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:now i get it!!! :-X ;D ;D ;D

Derr... :doh: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:30:09
Capn_Cal another option is the MODIFY button then type EDIT now I get it  :doh: youll learn soon enough :thumbs:
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 02, 2009, 16:33:36
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weIbm3m-Xbo

This is going Off Topic. This thread is for 'Joke of the Day' not movie of the day.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:37:55
This is going Off Topic. This thread is for 'Joke of the Day' not movie of the day.
but i thought "jokes" were anything funny and i found that video funny or you evil? :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:42:24
If you don't know yet, Captain Mike is a vice evil admin while Terry or Fred are away.
rofl, your president jokesalot diamant
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 16:48:49
Triple post... :o

Why not just edit your post..?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:50:04
what do you mean jack?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 16:50:57
You should edit your post using the modify button, it's against the forum rules to post so many times for no reason. We've all posted maybe, two in a row, but we don't if we can help it.

Jack :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 02, 2009, 16:59:31
And back to topic we are:

Bill sent an email to his wife saying that he would be coming home from his five day fishing trip one day early. Arriving home he found his wife with another man.
Upset he left and got a room at a hotel to plan his next step.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and as I expected there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."
"OK" said Bill, "what is it?"
The mother-in -law said, "She never got your email!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 21:04:32
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 02, 2009, 21:19:57
 :lol: Aad how do you know so many jokes if I may ask sooner or later you must run out ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 21:45:06
:lol: Aad how do you know so many jokes if I may ask sooner or later you must run out ;)

Well...There's this thing called googl...... :lol:

My turn now:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell.
The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace and The Scotsman was put in beside him burning away. The Irishman wound up in a big bedroom with a beautiful blonde film star in his arms. That's not fair,' said The Englishman and The Scotsman, 'rewarding him like that.' That's not The Irishman's reward,' said The Devil, 'that's her punishment.'

Jack :lol:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 03, 2009, 00:24:12
 :lol: I like that punishment  :2thumbs:  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 03, 2009, 13:24:09
Nice!! But how many pilots and how do they get their coffee??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 14:05:50
Schnooked over Snook

A game warden stopped a man with two buckets of fish . He asked the man:" Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied: "No sir - Don't need one. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."
"That's crazy! Fish can't do that!" said the warden.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "It's not crazy, I'll show you."
" O. K." said the warden, " do it!" !"
The man quickly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"Well, when are you going to call them back?" the game warden asked.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH!" yelled the warden.
"What fish?" the man asked.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 14:49:57
 ;D ;D ;D ;Di don't need a explaination ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 03, 2009, 14:53:05
I do though...and mike I dont need "Keep working on it ;D"  :doh: ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 16:18:29
What a Mess

The sailors were chowing down while the cook was bragging to a couple of other sailors:"My best dishes are meat loaf and peach cobbler."
Over hearing that comment, one sailor asked:"Sounds great, which is this?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 03, 2009, 16:56:33
Ahoy Aad

Don't know where your source is but these are great, even if capn_cal needs help.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 17:22:30
Food for the Dog


The cook was yelling in the galley as the first mate came in.
"What's wrong cook?" said the first mate.
The cook explained that the ship's mascot, a dog, had eaten one of his chicken pot pies.
"That's serious", said the first mate, "but don't worry, we can get another dog!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 03, 2009, 17:25:23
 :lol: good one...can you explain it for... :doh:

Lets Give the Guy a break shall we hes new, well sorta :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 17:32:23
Thanks for all the compliments, guys. Here is another one. Must be thye last one for today, otherwise my source will dry up.

To stow or not to stowaway

The cruise ship was well underway when ship security found the stowaway in the cargo hold.
"The Coast Guard will arrest you and take you back to port", said the officer.
The stowaway begged him to be kind: "I'm going to my daughter's wedding . I have no money for a ticket. I will work for the passage. Won't you please let me stay?"
Against his better judgment the officer agreed to let the man stay provided he keep out of site.
On the way out of the hold he tripped over another stowaway!
The second stowaway said: "Don't look at me. He invited me to the wedding!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 17:35:05
Ahoy Aad

Don't know where your source is but these are great, even if capn_cal needs help.
i don't need help  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 17:36:28
:lol: good one...can you explain it for... :doh:

Lets Give the Guy a break shall we hes new, well sorta :thumbs:
theres no need to explain for me!(if thats your going after) :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 03, 2009, 17:40:57
theres no need to explain for me!(if thats your going after) :thumbs:
They only joke with you  :evil: :lol: :thumbs:
Here are one from me


There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

Well one more to go



A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 03, 2009, 18:12:36
:lol: good one...can you explain it for... :doh:

Lets Give the Guy a break shall we hes new, well sorta :thumbs:
Matt, check your Registration date. Cal has been here longer than you have.
Here are some jokes:
Three times I've been mistaken for Robert Redford. Each time by a blind person.

I contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.    
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 03, 2009, 18:26:07
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 18:28:18
Great ones, guys  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on July 03, 2009, 18:29:24
ROFLOL.. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 03, 2009, 18:37:01
lol love it TJK!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 18:41:52
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 03, 2009, 20:32:31
I was boiling some water to make some tea a few minutes ago, and when I pulled it off the stove, I had forgotten to put some more water in it and it was an empty tea pot! :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 03, 2009, 21:17:31
Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 23:26:08
I was boiling some water to make some tea a few minutes ago, and when I pulled it off the stove, I had forgotten to put some more water in it and it was an empty tea pot! :lol:
you were making tea?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 04, 2009, 07:21:37
Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."


lol i gotta try that one day! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 04, 2009, 08:10:27
Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."


Hahaha :lol: I laughed at that one.

Here's mine:

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

Jack ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 04, 2009, 09:41:18
THREE NUNS

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL..
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..  
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY  BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET  ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY  SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,  "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."  
    
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT  THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY  DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 04, 2009, 11:02:17
HAHA Good one Mike  :lol:

Here are mine for the day

You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.  





A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof - out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 04, 2009, 14:16:00
watt a bout this then

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."

TJK
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 04, 2009, 16:27:46
A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled: "It's a miracle!"
"No", said the doctor, "That's professional courtesy!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 04, 2009, 16:28:43
TALKING AUSTRALIAN CLOCK

Proudly  showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment  to a couple of friends late  one  night  , A  drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where  there was a big brass  gong  hanging on the  wall.  

'What's  that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's  asked.  

'Issss  nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he  drunkenly replied.  

'A  talking Australian clock -  seriously?'  

'Yup.'  'Hmmm (hic).'  

'How's  it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at  it.  

'Just  watch' he said.  

He  picked up a hammer, gave the gong an  'ear-shattering bash' and stepped  back.  

His  three mates stood looking at one another for a  moment in astounded silence.  

Suddenly,  an Australian voice from the other side of the  wall screamed,  

'For  pity's sake, you stupid fellow. It's ten past  three in the morning  !!!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 04, 2009, 21:43:26
The captain was explaining to the visiting Boy Scout Troop the different animals that live in that particular Louisiana river basin. They were an inquisitive group, testing the captain's patience.
The topic came to alligators and the captain went into great detail hoping to forestall any stupid questions. Pleased with the result of his logical approach he finished with the alligator's mating habits. The captain explained: "The female alligator lays four million eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three hundred and ninety-five of those eggs. And that concludes our tour!."
"Sir", asked one of the scouts, "why does the female alligator lay so many eggs?"
Upset that his resent " No Question" period had ended the captain said as calmly as possible: "That's simply nature sonny."
"And sir" , the scout continued, "why does the male alligator eat all those eggs?"
The captain's answer came quickly: "Because, if he didn't, we'd all be up to our bellybuttons in alligators!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 05, 2009, 22:24:41
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 06, 2009, 00:02:47
TALKING AUSTRALIAN CLOCK

Proudly  showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment  to a couple of friends late  one  night  , A  drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where  there was a big brass  gong  hanging on the  wall.  

'What's  that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's  asked.  

'Issss  nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he  drunkenly replied.  

'A  talking Australian clock -  seriously?'  

'Yup.'  'Hmmm (hic).'  

'How's  it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at  it.  

'Just  watch' he said.  

He  picked up a hammer, gave the gong an  'ear-shattering bash' and stepped  back.  

His  three mates stood looking at one another for a  moment in astounded silence.  

Suddenly,  an Australian voice from the other side of the  wall screamed,  

'For  pity's sake, you stupid fellow. It's ten past  three in the morning  !!!'
i'd like to have one and lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 06, 2009, 09:49:05
i'd like to have one and lol

Here you are, you could have your very own talking clock:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Large-Brass-Gong-with-mallet-Instrument-Game-17_W0QQitemZ190318419396QQcmdZViewItemQQptZMetalware?hash=item2c4fdc9dc4&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=65%3A12%7C66%3A2%7C39%3A1%7C72%3A1683%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 06, 2009, 13:09:19
rofl
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 06, 2009, 16:43:36
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a

 

     Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt

 

     Out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring  up the sand

 

     Oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of

 

     Regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

 

     Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll

 

     on a faulty heart.

 

     One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to

 

     Investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead

 

     In The punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to

 

     Hoist  aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'

 

                 Said...........................................

 

                               OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 07, 2009, 18:59:18
Growing a Boat

A woman was complaining to a friend that her husband was always repainting their wood boat.
The friend asked: "How many times could he have painted the boat? Twice? Three times?"

The wife said: "A lot more than that! When we bought the boat it was a nineteen foot speed boat. It's now a twenty-one foot cruiser!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 07, 2009, 19:06:21
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 10, 2009, 12:47:08
How about this?

Capn_cal, let me know if you need help!

 :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 10, 2009, 14:56:33
These are Taxing Times

Then there was the fellow who got in trouble with the IRS for deducting flood damage to his home on his tax return.

The government found out he lived on a houseboat!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 16:22:26
 :lol: Good one Aad, watt about this  ::)

Mercadies Blondes


There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercadies vehicle.They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The 1st blonde said," You need to try harder. It's starting to rain and the top is down!"



An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture.   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 10, 2009, 16:38:39
Keep Your Eye Out for Trouble

It was an aggressive poker game on the riverboat. The stakes were high and the one eyed man was winning big and often. The game went on for hours and the losers were getting very frustrated.

The age had long past when gamblers settled their disputes on the river by fighting. It was the time of the gentleman riverboat gambler to be otherwise was considered bad form!

Slowly standing, one of the gentlemen gamblers in a slow low tone said, "Far be it for me gentlemen to cast dispersions on any one person here. Understand gentlemen, I am not accusing anyone of cheating.
The fact that I'm loosing my shirt is not one person's fault.
However, if I lose one more hand because anyone decides to cheat, I swear gentlemen, I'll shoot out his other eye!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 10, 2009, 17:01:14
Help
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 10, 2009, 17:29:46
 :doh: we need a head shaking icon lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 10, 2009, 17:35:42
Even Worse

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on July 10, 2009, 17:49:18
What...

You don't get dressed up in your best clothes when you go shopping in a ASDA/Tesco...

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 18:30:29
(http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-575.gif)   HAHAHA   (http://planetsmilies.net)(http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-575.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)

Why I Fired My Secretary
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 10, 2009, 18:44:00
Even Worse

 :doh:
i think in this joke it says that walmart is so exspensive that you have to dress up for it (that's what i think)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 10, 2009, 22:12:47
Some Old Habits Die Hard

The navy admiral retired and hired his orderly of over twenty five years to come with him. The admiral told the orderly that even though he would now work for him personally, his duties would be exactly the same as they were in the navy.

On the first morning of the admiral's retirement the orderly came into the admiral's room and woke him. Then the orderly slapped the admiral's sleeping wife on the behind saying, " Okay, honey, it's back onshore for you!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 22:23:09


One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 10, 2009, 22:48:13
is a rolex a fake arm?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 10, 2009, 22:50:38
How about this?

Capn_cal, let me know if you need help!

 :evil:
no explaining needed here, although that thing was maybe made by a blonde
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on July 10, 2009, 22:51:41
is a rolex a fake arm?

A watch (a expensive watch)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 22:52:37
is a rolex a fake arm?

Capn_cal, let me know if you need help! :evil: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 11, 2009, 01:55:53
Guys, why don't we lay it off? So he asked for an explanations a few times, we all need help sometimes. :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 11, 2009, 02:56:05
A watch (a expensive watch)
ok
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 11, 2009, 02:56:43
Guys, why don't we lay it off? So he asked for an explanations a few times, we all need help sometimes. :-\
i don't reaally care and besides it's kinda funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 11, 2009, 03:05:52
i don't reaally care and besides it's kinda funny
And if you read the joke again, then you see the first ting he thinking about are NOT the arm but the clock  :doh: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 11, 2009, 09:44:29
What...

You don't get dressed up in your best clothes when you go shopping in a ASDA/Tesco...

 ;D

That's the joke!

 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 11, 2009, 17:24:55
The Oldest Captain

A reporter was interviewing a Tugboat Captain who was celebrating his 82nd birthday. He was the oldest captain on the river.
At the end of the interview the reporter said: "I would love to come back and see you again when you reach 90."
The captain said: "Don't see why not. You look healthy enough to make it !"

----------------------------------------------------

Those Techy Insects

Their first father and son fishing trip had ended late in the day.

The son was explaining his experience to his mother.

"Dad said that the only things biting were the mosquitoes."
Then, referring to the fireflies that came out later, he exclaimed: "When it got dark the mosquitoes started coming at us with little flashlights!"


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 13, 2009, 20:30:54
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 13, 2009, 22:33:37
The mess officer was upset because the sailors were not eating his bread. Some of the sailors complained that the bread was too hard. The officer said: "If the Mayflower crew on their voyage had that bread, they would have eaten it down to the last crumb."

A young sailor said: "I believe that, Sir, but this bread was fresher then!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 13, 2009, 23:15:09
as funny as ever aad, do you get your jokes from google?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 14, 2009, 02:35:32
 man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."



My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 14, 2009, 09:17:40
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....



'Look Paddy.....there's that  idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 13:23:13
 :doh: Wasnt expecting that lol I dont have any good ones  :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 14:12:24
thats good and capt.matt thats ok you'll probably of something :2thumbs: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 14:37:55
i took this picture and my sister made it look funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 14:48:16
Good One  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 14, 2009, 14:52:56
Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 15:40:59
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 14, 2009, 16:19:36
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 16:50:54
Haha hitman charges...we must have the best collection of jokes ever!! :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 14, 2009, 17:27:28
Five Scotsman in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Irish border-control.
Officer Angus orders them to stop.
"It's illegal to be with five people in an Audi Quattro. Quattro means four" is his comment.
"But Quattro is only the model of the car", replies the driver. "You can easy take five people in it. Would you see the papers?"
"I don't think that it would make any difference" says Angus, "You have five people in your Quattro, and that's against the law."
The driver becomes quite inpatient and says: "Could you please call your superiour officer? I would talk to someone who knows his business."
"Sorry," is  Angus's answer, "Officer Sean is busy at the moment with two Germans in a Fiat Uno".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 14, 2009, 19:37:40
lol, that was a great one Aad, same goes for all the other jokes :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 19:40:03
You get those from google?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 14, 2009, 19:51:02
Nope, not from Google. I collect jokes as long as I can remember. Some are about 50 years old, maybe some are even older. Like this one. I heard this one, in a slighly different form, some 55 years ago:

It Takes a Gator!

A visitor from England while sitting at the dinner table of his Louisiana relative was informed: "Yep, we use alligator to make all our shoes and handbags".
Impressed, the visitor wrote home that evening: "Dearest Love, Clyde and Verna are a very nice couple and have a very nice home.
But there is something quite extraordinary. You won't believe what they can get alligators to do!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 20:17:14
funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 15, 2009, 09:32:32
THE ULTIMATE IRISH JOKE


 Mick  and Paddy were walking home from the pub.  Mick  says to Paddy,
'  I can't be bothered to walk all dat  way.'
  'I  know,' says Paddy,

  'but  we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last Bus  home.'

 
  'We  could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick  suggests.

  They  arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get  a
bus  while He keeps a look-out.

  After  shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, '

  Paddy,  what are you doing?  Have you not found one  yet?'

  Paddy  shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

  'Oh  Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we'll walk from  the Roundabout.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 15, 2009, 15:35:38
funny  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 15, 2009, 15:43:26
Me Change?...I Don't Think So!

"Hi captain how's the fishing been lately?" asked the local barfly.
"Well mate, I'll tell ya. I lost $5,000 last month and $10,000 the month before that. I owe the bank more than I'll ever be able to pay back and half my crew left me because I haven't paid them in over a month."
"Blimey" , said the barfly, "why don't you sell your boat and get out?"
"That's crazy!" , said the captain, "I've got to make a living, don't I?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 16, 2009, 17:04:05
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
 
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
 
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her  'services' on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is doing business today.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 16, 2009, 17:07:36
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 16, 2009, 19:20:12
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 16, 2009, 19:23:40
Absent on Account of.....

An elderly gentleman came to the docked navy ship to see his grandson, Ensign Walker. After he approached the guard stationed at the gangway, the guard asked for the officer on duty. "This man is here to see Ensign Walker", explained the guard.

The officer on duty told the gentleman that Ensign Walker was not available and that he was on leave. Disappointed the grandfather left.

The guard commented to the officer that it was too bad that the ensign missed his grandfather. "Well, he certainly will be surprised" , said the officer, "The reason he gave on the request for the leave was to attend his grandfather's funeral."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 17, 2009, 12:40:58
Irish Medical Emergency

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence and after a minute:

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence and a minute later:

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until.

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat.  I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 17, 2009, 13:18:25
 :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 17, 2009, 14:55:20
:lol: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 17, 2009, 16:34:17
The Fast-Track to Success!

The commercial fisherman's daughter married a young man who didn't seem to be qualified to do anything. Concerned that the young man could not adequately care for his daughter, the father gave his new son-in-law half ownership in his very profitable fishing business.

One evening the fisherman, pleased with his own magnanimous gesture that assured his daughter's future, asked the young man if there was anything else he could do to help out the newlyweds. The young man said, " No thanks dude! I'm thinking of selling out and retiring!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 17, 2009, 19:41:31
good one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 17, 2009, 19:56:44
A novice fisherman was lost. Maneuvering his Jon Boat close to another fisherman's boat he shouted: "Excuse me sir, I promised my wife that I would be home on time and I'm afraid I don't know where I am. Can you help me?"

The other fisherman replied: "Sure, You are on a lake. You're in a Jon boat with a 20 HP gas outboard motor. You are between 35 and 36 degrees north latitude and between 80 and 81 degrees west longitude in about 18 feet of water."

"You must be a republican," said the novice.

"I am and proud of it," said the other fisherman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the novice, "everything you've told me may be technically correct, but certainly not responsive to the intent of my question and my current need. I have no idea what to make of what you just said and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all and now I'm going to be late getting home!"

The other fisherman responded: "You must be a democrat."

"I am and I'm proud of it," replied the novice, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the other fisherman, "you don't know where you are or how to get where you want to go. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you were lost and in danger of being late getting home before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 19, 2009, 18:48:47
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 19, 2009, 19:04:27
ROFLOL  ;D  ;D  ;D

Daddy Who?

Sailing from Island to Island in the Bahamas was a dream come true for the Walker family. At one of the many stops five year old Paula asked her mother, "What was the name of the last Island we visited?"

Her mother, busy with stowing a sail said, " I'm not sure dear, is it important?"

"Maybe" , said Paula, " I'm thinking it might be.

"Why do you think so?", asked her Mother.

" Because that's where Daddy got left behind!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 20, 2009, 01:25:46
Daddy, how was I born ?

Daddy, how was I born ?  Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!  Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 20, 2009, 01:53:36
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on July 20, 2009, 22:37:06
What would you get when tupac wasn't born in a ghetto, but would be an educated sailor instead???

TUG LIFE  :captain:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 20, 2009, 22:53:03
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on July 20, 2009, 23:03:05
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


HAHAHA :D really like that one!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 20, 2009, 23:22:52
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 20, 2009, 23:43:42
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 20, 2009, 23:49:31
Close Enough !


The Ship's Cook and the First Mate were in the process of interviewing a potential Assistant Cook candidate. Wanting to make sure that the ship's store would be in good hands and not wasted, they devised a test.

They asked the candidate, "If you had to make breakfast for six sailors and only had three eggs in the galley, how many more eggs would you have to pull from the ship's store?"

"Three", said the candidate.

The cook turned to the first mate and whispered, " He'll do fine. He only missed it by two!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 00:20:59
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

roflol
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


that golfer may go bankrupt!  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 21, 2009, 07:28:10
Close Enough !

"Three", said the candidate.

The cook turned to the first mate and whispered, " He'll do fine. He only missed it by two!"



Aad, sorry. I'm sure I'm being dense here, but I didn't get the punchline... ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 21, 2009, 09:12:37
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The
eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 21, 2009, 10:47:11
I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer ,puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 21, 2009, 11:02:35
Here are some police jokes, have fun :lol:

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 13:58:08
I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer ,puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


i liked the last one down better but still  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on July 21, 2009, 14:44:56
LMAO :P.... nice jokes man :P..
i hope i'll be called by a telemarketeer soon :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on July 21, 2009, 17:06:53
Better replace that with "LMAO" next time ;)


The coast guard, on a tight budget...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 20:34:26
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 21, 2009, 20:57:38
The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of coffee.
As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said: "It looks like rain."

Upset the cook yelled at the sailor: "For the last time, it's coffee!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 21, 2009, 21:22:33
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 21:51:09
The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of coffee.
As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said: "It looks like rain."

Upset the cook yelled at the sailor: "For the last time, it's coffee!"
rofl
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 21, 2009, 22:49:35
lol

lol

If you too don't have any jokes to add then you don't need to keep adding these spam posts. You can end up getting banned by a Moderator for this sort of thing. Please read the forum rules.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 21, 2009, 23:04:17
At the risk of making things worse  ::) Can I also suggest that should not mean quoting the entire 5 paragraphs of the post above, unless it is necessary to do so...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 21, 2009, 23:20:25
Stuart

Forgot to add that !! Really annoying waiting for it to load each time. We need Mr Marmite to have a look here!!

 :police: :police: :police: :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 22, 2009, 00:39:17
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 22, 2009, 10:04:37
Oldest driver!

(http://i32.tinypic.com/1z23dc7.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 22, 2009, 14:41:04
 ;D lol i like!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 22, 2009, 15:54:49
Oldest driver!

(http://i32.tinypic.com/1z23dc7.jpg)
i thought i've seen this before on this topic.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 22, 2009, 17:31:03
And this too?

(http://i27.tinypic.com/2cmksok.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 22, 2009, 17:36:02
Ok, bring it on! 8)
i looked at all the pages in this topic and i didn't see it,  (maybe it was in another topic)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 22, 2009, 19:59:17
Sit, Roach


"Hi sailor", said the barmaid, "you look like you're a little down."

"That I am, Lassie", said the sailor, "It saddens me to say that I serve under a very tough Captain!"

"That's a shame, Sweety, how bad does it get ?"

"Well lassie, recently I complained that there were roaches in me bunk. The captain gave me three demerits for keep'n pets!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 23, 2009, 02:22:37
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 23, 2009, 15:27:34
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Biggles1975 on July 23, 2009, 15:44:29
The last one was the best there TJK as for the first one i've heard other versions of that joke ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 23, 2009, 16:34:46
I am what I am

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain: "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain said: "Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."



I Am What I Am...honest!!

The Ship's doctor was interviewing a sailor who was, apparently, trying to get a medical discharged from the navy.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor.

"I believe I am a dog, woof - woof", responded the sailor.

"I see.", said the doctor, eyebrows raised, "How long has this been going on?"

"Ever since I was a puppy!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 24, 2009, 11:29:58
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.  So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.  "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey.  "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to engine number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant.  It's called 'Flying Scotsman."

"Oh.  Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey.  "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant.  "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey.  "So that's settled then..... let's look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost?  We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal."

"Well," said the consultant,  "We could always just paint out the 'F
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on July 24, 2009, 11:31:26
F lying Scotsman...

That is a great one  :thumbs:

Edit: Strikethrough not as clear...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 24, 2009, 18:06:42
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.  So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.  "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey.  "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to engine number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant.  It's called 'Flying Scotsman."

"Oh.  Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey.  "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant.  "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey.  "So that's settled then..... let's look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost?  We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal."

"Well," said the consultant,  "We could always just paint out the 'F


 :D lol love it :D so true so true........ ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 26, 2009, 14:25:56
My Bait is not your Bait

John went fishing one day but had no luck at all. He noticed that another fisherman near him was catching fish one after another. He had to know the secret. He approached the other fisherman and said: "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man said: "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good, you see I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that the human tonsil works very well as bait.

The next day, John returned to the lake and, just as the day before, he had no luck. There was a different man nearby having a great time catching fish.

John approached the man and asked: "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

"Well, I can tell you but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I am using a bit of human appendix as bait."

John left, thinking this was all very strange but vowed he would give the lake just one more try.

On the third day, John still had no luck. As usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish after fish.

John needed to confirm what he, by now, already knew. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man looked around acting a little embarrassed. "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good .

"Don't tell me," said John "your a doctor". "No," said the man, " I'm a Rabbi."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 26, 2009, 17:28:46
LOL, let's see if Capn_cal gets this one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 26, 2009, 21:51:37
LOL, let's see if Capn_cal gets this one!
SPAM WARNING: £50 says he doesn't END SPAM WARNING
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 28, 2009, 19:59:28
Talk About Garrulous!**



A man and his wife went on a four-day luxury cruise. The wife was slightly more than garrulous. In fact, she never shut her mouth. She talked at breakfast, while they were lounging on deck, at lunch, at play, and all through the night. But the husband was used to this and accepted his lot in life.

On the fourth morning, the man and his wife were standing at the bow of the ship when a lurch caused the wife to fall overboard.

A crew member, seeing her bobbing up and down in the water, ran to the husband and said: "Sir, your wife has fallen overboard!

The husband said: "Oh, thank God, I thought I had just gone deaf!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**gar·ru·lous adj. 1. Given to excessive and often trivial or rambling talk; tiresomely talkative. 2. Wordy and rambling: a garrulous speech. [From Latin garrulus, from garrºre, to chatter.] --gar“ru·lous·ly adv. --gar“ru·lous·ness n.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 29, 2009, 01:44:17
A man was seeing this really nice woman, Lorraine. He gets a new secretary called Clearly. He takes a shine to Clearly and she rather likes him. Things progress...  ;)

But, being a decent bloke, he can't cheat on Lorraine with Clearly. So he thinks up several ways to tell her "it's over"... So, one day over lunch at a pub they go for a walk by a nearby river, when Lorraine falls in; The man tries to save her but then realises:

"I can see clearly now lorraine has gone"... (for those who don't get it, just think of the song)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 29, 2009, 02:26:17
lol nice one :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 29, 2009, 02:34:15
Love Tips By Kids
Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 29, 2009, 02:41:19
where in the world did you get that tore? that was really funny :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 29, 2009, 02:43:52
where in the world did you get that tore? that was really funny :2thumbs:
from a secret place, kids say so muts fun

watt about this then


A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 29, 2009, 03:37:43
yes very good! and do you get the jokes from google?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 29, 2009, 05:54:32
yes very good! and do you get the jokes from google?

nope not google
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 29, 2009, 10:19:17
A man was seeing this really nice woman, Lorraine. He gets a new secretary called Clearly. He takes a shine to Clearly and she rather likes him. Things progress...  ;)

But, being a decent bloke, he can't cheat on Lorraine with Clearly. So he thinks up several ways to tell her "it's over"... So, one day over lunch at a pub they go for a walk by a nearby river, when Lorraine falls in; The man tries to save her but then realises:

"I can see clearly now lorraine has gone"... (for those who don't get it, just think of the song)

Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on July 29, 2009, 10:22:58
Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!

 ;D

I hope capn_cal isn't offended by us, otherwise we'll have another "Shipfan55" with record breaking number of farewell topics. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 29, 2009, 10:24:02
No way, he likes a good joke!

 :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 29, 2009, 13:35:52
Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!
what thread?
;D

I hope capn_cal isn't offended by us, otherwise we'll have another "Shipfan55" with record breaking number of farewell topics. :doh:
no i ain't offended, i'm laughing to myself because these comments. i never heard of "Shipfan55"
No way, he likes a good joke!

 :2thumbs:
if your talking to me, yes i do  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 29, 2009, 16:42:54
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 29, 2009, 17:42:28
Irishmen in an Aussie bar


A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.

'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'

'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'

'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'

'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.

'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'

'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'

'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'

'God in heaven. So was I.'

Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 29, 2009, 23:18:24
Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!

To be honest, it was such a bad 'joke' that I wouldn't have been offended if he didn't get it.

what thread? no i ain't offended, i'm laughing to myself because these comments. i never heard of "Shipfan55" if your talking to me, yes i do  :2thumbs:

[sarcasm]Oh dear. You poor soul[/sarcasm] :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on July 29, 2009, 23:28:09
i never heard of "Shipfan55"

OMG! :o  Shipfan55 was a very unique emo. It would be a shame to forget about such remarkable person!

Quick! Look here: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php?action=profile;u=10950;sa=showPosts
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 30, 2009, 13:12:31
How many ducks in this bag?


'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' said capn_cal

'That's near enough,' said Murphy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 30, 2009, 14:15:32
LOL :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 30, 2009, 17:48:41
lol :2thumbs: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: russ2112 on July 30, 2009, 18:40:34
hi ship fairing critters :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 30, 2009, 23:13:02
I'm learning Vietnamese


Draining his glass, capn_cal said, 'I must be off. I'm taking night school classes in Vietnamese.'

'Why so?' asked the bartender.

'Well, we've just adopted a Vietnamese baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up,' replied capn_cal
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 31, 2009, 00:57:07
as funny as it is, don't you think you are being a little mean against capn_cal?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 31, 2009, 00:58:42
 :2thumbs: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 31, 2009, 01:08:10
as funny as it is, don't you think you are being a little mean against capn_cal?
i really don't care if mike does or not, either way it's funny  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 31, 2009, 01:14:03
ah good to know, now we'll probably end up with hundreds of capn_cal jokes
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 31, 2009, 01:16:44
yes that would be funny, minime  :P ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 31, 2009, 02:22:05
You are going to be famous, CC! What do you think of that? I take it Princess Anne will be proud! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 31, 2009, 09:22:29
Gotta' say...I wet myself laughing with this one:

'What was all the crashing and banging?' asked Mulligan.

'The train ran over a cow,' said the ticket collector.

'Was it on the line?' said Mulligan.

'No, we had to chase it up the embankment but we got it eventually,' said the railman.

Jack :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 31, 2009, 14:57:49
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jazzy01 on August 04, 2009, 20:39:40
Paddy and murphy park their car and realise they have locked the keys inside.

Paddy says " we could get a hanger and try to unlock it or prize it open"

Murphy replies " well whatever we do we better do it quick because its starting to rain and the roofs still down"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 04, 2009, 23:40:56
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 05, 2009, 00:17:44
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jazzy01 on August 05, 2009, 09:28:02
WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
 
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours' daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely,
Sheila

 
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine...
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
 
WALTER
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 05, 2009, 16:33:56
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall...."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 05, 2009, 16:35:34
Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 05, 2009, 16:43:22
Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?
if he is, he must be doing a very good job  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 05, 2009, 16:48:25
if he is, he must be doing a very good job  ;D

Lucky for you that Mike is on cruise at the moment! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 06, 2009, 04:36:58
who was the funniest man in the bible? samson, he brought the house down
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 08, 2009, 18:58:38
Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?
It's nice to be missed  :evil: , but actual, I was on a short vacation to Germany's most twisted river, The Moselle.
Jokes will follow soon.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 08, 2009, 21:39:42
It's nice to be missed  :evil: , but actual, I was on a short vacation to Germany's most twisted river, The Moselle.
Jokes will follow soon.
hi aad how have you been?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 09, 2009, 15:31:35
Fresh back from vacation here is a new one:

Time and Time Again


A doctor, examining the first mate, asked: "When was the last time you had relations with a woman?
The first mate replied: "About 1960."

The doctor was more than a little surprised and said: "That was a long time ago!"

The first mate said: "Tell me about it, doc. It's already 1300 hours on the day after."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 12, 2009, 22:05:25
HHHMMMM strange. My mailbox told me there was a reply to this topic at 07:05 this very morning by TJK, but here is nothing.
Well, another Joke than:

Two Blondes in a Boat...Almost!


There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde: "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 12, 2009, 22:50:34
I know I've seen that one before. It even was by TJK.

( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg187502.html#msg187502 )
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on August 12, 2009, 22:52:34
I know I've seen that one before. It even was by TJK.

( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg187502.html#msg187502 )
well then i find a new one then lol  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on August 12, 2009, 22:54:34

Star Trek Vs Microsoft



Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 13, 2009, 16:48:49
Back from a cruise with a new joke:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 13, 2009, 16:57:58
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 13, 2009, 16:58:40
Old Beyond His Years

From the dock the woman watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him: "Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?"
"Well," he said, "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.
Wow, that's amazing, "the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?"
He answered: "Thirty-one"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 13, 2009, 17:13:37
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 17, 2009, 22:25:44
Coffee, Tea or ??

The swabbie could hardly swallow the liquid in the cup. He called over to the cook and said: "This coffee is sort of funny. It tastes like cocoa."

The cook grabbed the cup, took a sip, made a face and said: "No wonder. I gave you tea!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 10:06:13
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 24, 2009, 13:52:15
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2009, 15:54:54
Two Step Fishing


Two elderly fishermen, John and Paul, were out on the lake bright and early one morning.
They sat silently as they fished.
Each kept very still so as not to frighten off any fish.
After six hours, John shifted his feet.
Paul said: "What is it with you? Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 16:53:22
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2009, 18:24:37
One Step at a Time !!


The Captain of the Cruise Liner fell down the stairs on to the Promenade Deck.
The Cruise Director saw him fall and rushed to his aid. "Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?"

"No," said the Captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bsm2003 on August 24, 2009, 20:09:59
 Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."*
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2009, 20:35:16
ROFLOL

Crab Legs Anyone ??

An experiment took place on a student science research boat. A young student was studying a crab.
In order to understand better the crab's motor capabilities, he tore off two walking legs and placed a piece of tasty bait in front of the crab. The crab crawled to the bait and devoured it. He then tore off two more legs and again placed some bait on front of the crab. Once again the crab crawled to the bait and ate it.

Finally the student removed the last two walking legs and again placed the bait. The crab, this time, never moved.

The student, very excited, reported his initial findings to his instructor.

"If all of a crustacean's legs are removed it either loses it's eye site or appetite; more information to come!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 24, 2009, 20:37:27
LOL!  Good one!  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:54:44
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 24, 2009, 22:55:34
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


That has to be the best witness/attorney joke yet  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:56:43
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 24, 2009, 22:57:48
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?



I may stand corrected  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:58:57
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:  He's twenty, much like your IQ.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 24, 2009, 23:41:54
That has to be the best witness/attorney joke yet  :thumbs:
I take it this is the ONLY witness/attorney joke then?  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 25, 2009, 12:36:53
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.

After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"

______________________________________

A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"

______________________________________

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.

    "There you are, my dear," said the mother.  "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

    "Oh yes," came the reply.  "She sells candy."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 25, 2009, 17:32:59
I take it this is the ONLY witness/attorney joke then?  ::)

Sorry few more yet!!

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:  Take a guess.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 25, 2009, 17:58:23
Big Bad John

Paula and John were walking along the shore, their souls intertwined in great love.
John gazed out to sea and said poetically: "Blue Ocean, roll out...roll out to the setting sun!"

Paula clasped her hands together. "Oh John," she shrieked, "it's doing it!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 26, 2009, 13:40:32
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

A: Anyone can roast beef.  :P

__________________________________

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 26, 2009, 13:48:07
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:  Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 26, 2009, 16:41:09
Boater's Blessing Then.... & Then This !!


A Boater's Blessing from Yesteryears:

May there always be water under your boat,
May she always be seaworthy, ever afloat,
May the bilge pump be certain to work night and day,
May the compass and charts always show the safe way,
May you find gentle harbor as every day ends,
May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends.


A Boater's Blessing from Today:

May your out drive be saved after hitting that rock,
May your bow be rebuilt after ramming that dock,
May you find that new Rolex that fell overboard,
May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord,
May FeBreeze mask that musty smell under your berth,
May you someday owe less than the darn boat is worth.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 26, 2009, 16:44:58
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 26, 2009, 18:06:05
The Beach is Now Open


A man who had never been to the ocean before finally went to the beach for the experience.
Afraid to go into the water, he asked the lifeguard if he could bring him a bucket of sea water so that he could wet himself a little.
Over a period of two hours, the lifeguard brought him over two dozen buckets of sea water.
Grateful, the man gave the lifeguard a ten dollar tip.

Returning the next day for more sun, the man happened to arrive at low tide.
Looking around he said to the lifeguard: "You've been doing a lot of business!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 26, 2009, 23:07:19
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 26, 2009, 23:26:23
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!


A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings. :thumbs:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 26, 2009, 23:40:47
And the Winner is ...

A man orders a lobster in a restaurant. The waiter returns with his order, but the crustacean has a broken claw.
The man asked what happened. The waiter said: "It must have been in a fight."
"Good," said the man, "now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2009, 09:37:39
A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings. :thumbs:


Glad you enjoyted that, here is a new one:-



It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.   

"What are my choices?"  the man asked.

"Yes or no," she  replied.   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2009, 16:18:57
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:  Oral.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on August 27, 2009, 16:38:14
The Belgians are getting tired of waiting for the Dutch to keep their promise and dredge the Westerschelde, the gateway to Antwerp..
So today they published this game, to show how hard it is.. ;D  (use the space-bar)

http://www.vandaag.be/scheldeverdieping/
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2009, 17:29:02
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 27, 2009, 21:29:24
The Belgians are getting tired of waiting for the Dutch to keep their promise and dredge the Westerschelde, the gateway to Antwerp..
So today they published this game, to show how hard it is.. ;D  (use the space-bar)

http://www.vandaag.be/scheldeverdieping/
is the game suppose to mean it's hard or impossible?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 27, 2009, 21:39:27
is the game suppose to mean it's hard or impossible?

I think it is suppose to be impossible
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 27, 2009, 22:50:14
Everything I Need to Know About Life,
I Learned from Noah's Ark

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. ! It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were onboard with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 29, 2009, 16:58:59
A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings. :thumbs:


And a BAD one is still not funny before being repeated...  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 29, 2009, 17:13:34
Practice Makes Perfect !


At dinner during the cruise a man who had earned his reputation among the crew as an obnoxious snob was being served by a waiter named Paul.
Unfortunately, Paul managed to splash some wine on the table.

The man stood, faced the waiter and shouted: "You're not fit to serve a pig!"

Paul , giving into temptation responded: "You're absolutely right sir and I do apologies.
I'm in "Pig Serving Training" and in that regard, you're really helping me improve my skills."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 29, 2009, 17:16:04
A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Walmart but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The  assistant replied, "  I'm afraid not, they're dead."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 30, 2009, 16:05:32
I Did What ?!!

Two sailors after a wild night found that there was some disagreement as to the actual events.

To settle the argument and the wager that ensued, they searched out the only convent in town.

Upon their arrival, they asked the Mother Superior if the convent had any midget nuns.
 
Shocked the Mother Superior suggested that they return directly to their ship for none of her sister nuns were midgets and she found no humor in their question.

Leaving the convent one sailor exclaimed to his smirking friend: "I can't believe it. Did I spent the whole night dancing with a penguin?!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: siso7 on August 30, 2009, 21:50:48
The only tool you'll ever need ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 30, 2009, 23:07:21
Unintended Results

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 31, 2009, 22:01:10
WHOLE POINTLESS POST REMOVED.

Just because its Fred, doesn't mean I'll let ANY moderator have the last word on ME!! ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 31, 2009, 22:46:17
I assume that those asterixes (*) are in place of "not suitable for 7 years old child words"?
Right?
Well, this is a thread also read by kids. So, I assume that Your version is the "adult" one.

Anyhow, this one is:

Buyer Beware

A tourist stopped off in a small New England fishing village.
At a roadside stand he looked over some lobsters for sale.
He said to the stand owner: "They are very small."
The stand owner said: "I guess"
However, the man's appetite got the better if him, he ordered two lobsters and had them boiled in the cauldron in the stand.
As he started to eat them, the tourist said: "These lobsters are tasteless!"
The stand owner responded: "Good thing they're small."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 31, 2009, 22:49:57
I assume that those asterixes (*) are in place of "not suitable for 7 years old child words"?
Right?
Well, this is a thread also read by kids. So, I assume that Your version is the "adult" one.

Interesting that when someone puts *** in their post - all mods like wolves are rushing to that topic & giving a warning, etc.  When Stu puts *** in his posts (which he's doing that quite frequently now) - all mods are silent.  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 31, 2009, 23:15:33
Interesting that when someone puts *** in their post - all mods like wolves are rushing to that topic & giving a warning, etc.  When Stu puts *** in his posts (which he's doing that quite frequently now) - all mods are silent.  :P

Point out to me where mods have acted like that? I think you will find that they only take action when the actual word is present and NOT the ****s

If this is a problem for you then please feel free to press the 'report to moderator' button below.

Or you can keep going through all my posts *trying* to find fault... Do NOT worry I won't be doing the same to you as I don't have time.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 31, 2009, 23:18:35
How about getting back on topic with Jokes, keep the slanging match to PM's please.

 :police: :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 31, 2009, 23:19:30
How about getting back on topic with Jokes, keep the slanging match to PM's please.

 :police: :police:

Fair point. Sorry chaps.   :angel:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 31, 2009, 23:43:30
Geez WM, can I get the time to actually come over and do so..?  :doh:

Seriously Stu, I do also edit self censored stuff. Cause if you have to censor it, it's allready known to you that you are going to post something that's not fit for 7 year olds. It's the intention, more than the actual word. Abbreviations and such I regard in a similar fashion.


Back on topic: any good jokes?


Fred.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 31, 2009, 23:46:40
Will this one pass??


The End is Nearer Than You Think !!


A local Priest and a Rabbi were fishing on a bank on the side of a road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying: "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on August 31, 2009, 23:49:47
 :thumbs: Aad has an unlimited joke library  :2thumbs: This thread always gives me a smile :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 31, 2009, 23:57:37
Geez WM, can I get the time to actually come over and do so..?  :doh:

Seriously Stu, I do also edit self censored stuff. Cause if you have to censor it, it's allready known to you that you are going to post something that's not fit for 7 year olds. It's the intention, more than the actual word. Abbreviations and such I regard in a similar fashion.


Back on topic: any good jokes?


Fred.

Congratulations & welcome on my side, Fred!  :thumbs:   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on September 01, 2009, 02:52:15
Wave that doesnt look like a joke to me :police:

my list of jokes 100 my list of approiate jokes Uhm 0  :evil:  :doh: Kidding Kidding (to some extent)

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't.  He just walked in the door.'

Thats approiate right?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on September 01, 2009, 11:57:54
Here are some short ones


Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!


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Q. How do you tease fruit?

A. Banananananananana!


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Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?

A. Because he wanted to work over-time!


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Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?

A. Because he wanted to see time fly!

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Q. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school?

A. He has a lot of ketchup time!


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Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?

A. He couldn't concentrate!


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Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?

A. Tomato Paste!


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Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A. Because his parents were in a jam!


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Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?

A. Patty!


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Q. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?

A. A deviled egg!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?

A. A turkey!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 01, 2009, 21:52:40
What Happened !?

A small child slipped and fell overboard.
A man swooped over the rail of the liner into the water and saved the child.
Coming back on board, the man who had saved the child was cheered by the other passengers.
The captain asked the man: "Is there anything I can do for you?"
The man answered: "Yep, can you tell me who pushed me overboard?!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on September 02, 2009, 21:59:46
Wave that doesnt look like a joke to me :police:

my list of jokes 100 my list of approiate jokes Uhm 0  :evil:  :doh: Kidding Kidding (to some extent)

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't.  He just walked in the door.'

Thats approiate right?
don't quite get it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on September 02, 2009, 22:00:35
don't quite get it

The bloke who went under the table wasn't husband, but another one who did walk in was... (affair...)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 02, 2009, 22:50:03
don't quite get it

capn_cal's comments are almost as funny as the jokes, except that they are always the same!

 :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 02, 2009, 23:00:13
capn_cal's comments are almost as funny as the jokes, except that they are always the same!

 :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:

I thought I'll PM you with the link...   But you were enough fast without that! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on September 02, 2009, 23:01:21
Poor Capn_Cal
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 02, 2009, 23:06:44
Poor Capn_Cal

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ROTFLOL

 :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 02, 2009, 23:06:54
I hope capn_cal isn't offended by us, otherwise we'll have another "Shipfan55" with record breaking number of farewell topics. :doh:

No way, he likes a good joke!

 :2thumbs:

no i ain't offended, i'm laughing to myself because these comments. i never heard of "Shipfan55"

See?  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on September 02, 2009, 23:08:32
See?  ;D

Yes
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 02, 2009, 23:25:35
Who is Yourr favorite Joke of the Week Poster?
How it works:
Don't look for the answers yet. If you do, there's no fun at it.
If needed take a pen and paper or a calculator.

1) take a number between 1 and 9

2)  multiply that number by 3

3) add 3 and multiply by 3 again (take a calculator if needed)

4) if all went well you got a two digit number


5) add those two numbers

Now scroll for the answers.




















 
You've found your favorite Joke of the Day Poster behind the number you just calculated.

1 CaptainMike1

2 bsm 2003

3 TJK

4 IRI5HJ4CK

5 thassos

6 TerryRussell

7 Mad_Fred

8 saltydog

9 Aad The Pirate (You know it's true, so don''t fiddle with the numbers)

10 ABCRic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 02, 2009, 23:27:20
Seriously Stu, I do also edit self censored stuff. Cause if you have to censor it, it's allready known to you that you are going to post something that's not fit for 7 year olds. It's the intention, more than the actual word. Abbreviations and such I regard in a similar fashion.

Apologies Fred. I wasn't aware of this. Now I am.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 02, 2009, 23:39:10
Congratulations & welcome on my side, Fred!  :thumbs:   
I don't think he's on your side. He's not on my side. He's just being a moderator. Now lets just drop this like others have suggester, yes?

Sorry all. I wouldn't make that a public comment, but I can't seem to send PMs to this 'gentleman'.

Now, drop it and get back on topic. Ta.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on September 02, 2009, 23:59:02
Apologies Fred. I wasn't aware of this. Now I am.

No harm done, Stu!!   :thumbs:


There's indeed no 'sides' to it, either. Just trying to keep it all suited for all ages.  :)


Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on September 03, 2009, 11:27:51
Who is Yourr favorite Joke of the Week Poster?
How it works:
Don't look for the answers yet. If you do, there's no fun at it.
If needed take a pen and paper or a calculator.

1) take a number between 1 and 9

2)  multiply that number by 3

3) add 3 and multiply by 3 again (take a calculator if needed)

4) if all went well you got a two digit number


5) add those two numbers

Now scroll for the answers.




















 
You've found your favorite Joke of the Day Poster behind the number you just calculated.

1 CaptainMike1

2 bsm 2003

3 TJK

4 IRI5HJ4CK

5 thassos

6 TerryRussell

7 Mad_Fred

8 saltydog

9 Aad The Pirate (You know it's true, so don''t fiddle with the numbers)

10 ABCRic

Ohhhhhhhhhh Aad  :doh: :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 03, 2009, 14:47:22
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 03, 2009, 15:08:40
:lol:

That's one of the funniest cartoons I've seen lately  ;D ;D

My Fellow Boaters !!


A charter sailing vessel with a load of politicians was halfway to the Bahamas when a freak storm hit the boat. Several of the passengers were thrown overboard and drowned. After the retrieval of the bodies and with the knowledge that the rest of them may not be rescued for some time, if ever, the deceased were buried at sea.

Three days later, the local Coast Guard found the damaged craft. Upon boarding, the Coast Guard Captain asked: "Is everyone okay?" The Captain of the damaged vessel explained that he had a few passengers fall overboard.

The Coast Guard Captain asked: "Are they all dead?"

The other captain replied: "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 03, 2009, 16:00:32
 :lol: hahahaha
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 03, 2009, 16:47:33
enough with the capn_cal puns..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 03, 2009, 16:59:58
Any thoughts on whether capn_cal will get this one??

I don't think capn_cal does politics, hence he probably won't get that joke. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 03, 2009, 17:03:33
enough with the capn_cal puns..

I couldn't agree more. Enough is enough, so let's use this topic where it's intended for:
Jokes, Jokes, and nothing else.


Captain to Captain !

The captain of the fishing vessel "Mistress" had a long-standing rivalry with his counterpart Captain of the "Maiden Mist".

After a near collision racing back to port one day, the Captain of the Mistress berated the Maiden Mist Captain on the dock in front of the both crews and all those passing by.

"You're and idiot!" Yelled the Captain. "You were always an idiot. You'll always be an idiot!"

The crew members stood in amazement at what they were seeing and hearing.

The Captain continued: "If they had an idiot contest you would come in second place."

At this the Captain of the Maiden Mist saw an opportunity to gain the upper hand.

"You're so stupid you can't even insult me without messing up." Laughing and looking around at the crewmen he continued: "You should have said, if they had an idiot contest I would come in first place."

"What I said is what I meant, you would come in second place."

More than a little bemused the Maiden Mist Captain asked: "Why second Place?"

"I told you; because, you're an idiot!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 03, 2009, 17:08:44
 :lol: that a good one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 08, 2009, 00:26:02
No wonder, it turns out that Aad is indeed a great poster of jokes.  ;D


A special thanks to TJK for the great idea.  :thumbs:

Can you not just drop this now? You do your thing and I will do mine. It is not fair to make other people read these exchanges. If you make any more such comments publically, I shall just report them as spam.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 08, 2009, 00:30:14
Can you not just drop this now?

It was dropped many days ago - 3.09.  I wonder why you're still raising it?   Or it's just because you don't want others to have the last word on you, like you're usually saying?    ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 08, 2009, 09:05:02
Jokes, Gentleman. Jokes, please.

Smell That?



After a very sucessful fishing trip, a huge shipment of sardines was warehoused. Because the warehouse bill wasn't paid, the warehouse owner sold the sardines to a friend. As word came out that the price of fish was about to skyrocket, the warehouse owner, correcting his mistake, bought back the sardines at a higher price. This began an endless round of buying and selling, with the price going higher and higher. After the tenth transaction between the two men, the friend thought it might be a good idea to sample the merchandise and see what they had.

A can was opened. The sardines were dreadful-bony, skimpy, and drenched in an acrid oil. The friend, upset, told the warehouse owner, who responded: "Look, these sardines aren't for eating. They're for buying and selling! "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 08, 2009, 10:16:37
Siamese  twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar 
stool.

One of them says to the landlord: 'Don't  mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. 
"Two  Molson Canadian draft  beers  please. 

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make  polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
"Been on  holiday yet, lads?
"Off to  England next month, says John. "We go to England every year and
hire a car and  drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim  agrees.

"Ah,  England! says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the  culture...'

"Nah, we  don't like all that British stuff,' says John. "Hamburgers &
Molsons draft  beer, that's us, eh Jim? "We can't stand the English!'

"So why  keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.

"It's  the only chance Jim gets to drive...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 08, 2009, 16:49:29
ROFLOL

Get Ready, Fire, Aim !!
 


"Foghorn blaring, the Coast Guard Cutter YOCONA inched its way through a dense fog on a Search and Rescue mission. With the aid of radar and extra lookouts in the bow, we picked our way through a fleet of small fishing boats that straddled our quarry- a becalmed 28-foot yawl whose auxiliary engine refused to start.

Suddenly the crack of a rifle being fired in slow cadence broke the silence and small geysers began erupting just off our bow. We immediately recalled our lookouts to the safety of the wheelhouse and shortly thereafter took the disabled craft in tow.

Later, when I boarded the boat to inspect for safety equipment and collect information for a report, I saw a .30 caliber Springfield rifle in the cockpit and asked the woman I was interviewing if it had been fired.
She said her husband had fired it to attract attention when he heard the foghorn. Then she added: "I wanted to fire it too, but he wouldn't let me". He said: "You have to aim it just right so you can fire it at the sound without hitting anyone".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 12, 2009, 13:31:52
African Road Sign!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 12, 2009, 16:14:53
Earning Your Place !!


The Anchorage Alaska fishing boat crew decided they were going to have some fun with the new rookie crew member so they came up with a three-step initiation.

Anxious to become one of the guys the rookie asked what he'd have to do.
"Three things," he was told.
1st: You've got to drink a quart of straight whiskey.
2nd: Hug an Eskimo girl for three hours without her parents catching you.
3rd: Shoot a full-grown grizzly bear.

The new crewmate immediately downed the whiskey and set out into the cold night with a wild look in his eyes.

Three hours later he was back, his clothes torn and scratches all over his body. "Okay, okay!" he reported. "Where's that Eskimo girl I'm supposed to shoot?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 12, 2009, 16:30:02
While I sat  in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.  Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel.  My mom makes me ride in a stroller too.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 12, 2009, 21:11:00
And You Are ?

Returning from a trip overseas on a giant ocean liner, Markowitz was placed at a table with another man. The man, a Frenchman, nodded and said: "Bon appetit."  Markowitz nodded back and said: "Markowitz"

For several days the ritual was repeated. One afternoon, Markowitz mentioned it to another passenger. The other passenger said: "It's not what you think. 'Bon appetit' is the French way of telling you to enjoy your meal.'

At dinner that evening, Markowitz came in, nodded, and said: "Bon appetit." The Frenchman rose and answered: "Markowitzi"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 13, 2009, 21:55:20
It's still a classic.. ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on September 14, 2009, 00:17:49
oh yeah, one of the best ever!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on September 14, 2009, 12:19:04
I love that one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 14, 2009, 13:32:59
That a good one  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 14, 2009, 15:44:25
It's still a classic.. ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
And about 3 times repeated  :evil:

Bread for the Captain !


The new cook was nervous when he heard that he was serving the captain this week!
An experienced cook told the new cook: "He loves food and your service is very important, but most of all he loves bread. You'll know you're in real trouble if he starts rhyming."

Wanting to make a good first impression the new cook, on the first day, brought the captain two very thick slices of bread with the meal, which the captain devoured.
He told the cook: "The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine."

The next day the cook brought the captain four slices of bread and was surprised to receive the same response!
"The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine."

The day after that, six slices were placed before the captain. The captain still complained and what was most annoying, he was still rhyming!

Finally, anxious to please the captain, the cook took a GIANT loaf of bread, cut it in half, and placed it before the captain.
The captain looked at the bread then the cook and said:
"The food looks fine but I fear we have a crisis,
your bread service has slipped by going back to two slices!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 14, 2009, 17:37:20
Reminds me of a story my father told me about his time as a cadet with Houlders in about 1920, after a couple of days at sea, in the officers mess the cook served meat loaf. The Captain picked up a carving knife and asked the two cadets which part they would like, both said they diddn't mind and so the Captain cut the loaf in two and said 'Me and the mate, we like the ends'!!

New joke  An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.   I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on September 14, 2009, 18:06:42
Hahaha thats a good one Mike :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 16, 2009, 10:06:49
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple ' s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 16, 2009, 13:29:26
To Each Thier Own

The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!"
The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm.
The sailor stared as