Ship Simulator

English forum => Small talk => Topic started by: Aad The Pirate on October 06, 2008, 13:32:53

Title: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 06, 2008, 13:32:53
Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys)
How about this one? A new topic with jokes. Maritime's are prefered, but are not obliged.

For those who wishes to add any jokes to this topic:
A few Rules:
Jokes may never contain things like sexuality, rude language like swearing etc.
Jokes must always and with no exception be appropiate and suitable for children from 7 years up.
And last but not least: Discrimination is not and never allowed.  

Violations will be edited, and violaters will be warned by the moderators.


Thanks for understanding and have FUN.


I kick off: What happens when You don't follow the unwritten law "Women and children first?"
See attechment (click to animate)
Regards
Aad

edit>
Rules altered
end edit<
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on October 06, 2008, 14:04:34
Hehe. Good one ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: MrFlappy102 on October 14, 2008, 01:46:16
Well from now on let's make sure women and children first is always followed. I like baing alive and not in the belly of a shark.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on October 14, 2008, 02:49:37
hey i got one:what happens when you put a really big human nose on titanic?






NOSETANIC
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 14, 2008, 11:45:33
hey i got one:what happens when you put a really big human nose on titanic?






NOSETANIC

What happened to the punch line?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: [SJ]Stein on October 14, 2008, 18:45:16
Think it just went "under"  ;D  nice try though.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 14, 2008, 20:14:01
How about this one?

Poem to MOM (or DAD)

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom & Dad, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'
 
______________________________________________
 
Mom's (Dad's) Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts and pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D . Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees? 
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?'


 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 15, 2008, 04:14:49
Luckily, I either don't care for or don't recieve just about all of those things ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 15, 2008, 09:30:48
How about this one?

Poem to MOM (or DAD)

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom & Dad, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'
 
______________________________________________
 
Mom's (Dad's) Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts and pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D . Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees? 
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?'


 




Very droll!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 15, 2008, 12:42:34
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Her's the next one:
http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html 
Turn Your speakers wide open and enjoy
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 15, 2008, 20:36:48
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Her's the next one:
http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html 
Turn Your speakers wide open and enjoy
Regards
Aad

Ho ho!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 17, 2008, 19:00:58
Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys),
Although this topic is no competition, I thought that more than just one member (matt5674) added somthing to it. Well, nobody did. So I give it another try with a riddle.
We can say that Noach was the first sailor with his ark. But what was the biggest mistake (jokewise) he made?
Regards
Aad
<edit The answer is: He forgot to kill those two mosquitoes ;D :D ;D end edit>
Next joker, please
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 18, 2008, 09:34:13
Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys),
Although this topic is no competition, I thought that more than just one member (matt5674) added somthing to it. Well, nobody did. So I give it another try with a riddle.
We can say that Noach was the first sailor with his ark. But what was the biggest mistake (jokewise) he made?
Regards
Aad
<edit The answer is: He forgot to kill those two mosquitoes ;D :D ;D end edit>
Next joker, please


Hohohohohoho
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on October 18, 2008, 10:34:40
An old "what do you get" one

What do you get if you cross Atlantic Ocean with Titanic?




Half way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on October 18, 2008, 10:36:27
What is the difference between a seagull and an Icelandic Bank?



A seagull can still put a deposit on a BMW
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: FOYEN on October 22, 2008, 22:24:04
Joke of the night :   "The Love Story".

Right from the MP.  ;) ;D :D ::)    Enjoy!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 23, 2008, 12:49:45
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Have alook at this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
The german Coastguard was NOT amused ;D
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 24, 2008, 11:49:05
And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 24, 2008, 12:02:27
Hohohoho Aad

Two good ones there - like the coastguard!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 25, 2008, 02:59:33
And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on October 25, 2008, 03:31:36
And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   

Great!  :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: FOYEN on October 25, 2008, 21:01:29
I'm sure, I wasn't drunk!  :o  :D ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 25, 2008, 21:08:10
I'm sure, I wasn't drunk!  :o  :D ;)

Great joke!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: marcstrat on October 25, 2008, 21:14:07
Hoy, guy's
Well, i like the jokes to,however,dont you think this is more for small talk board??
Let me know.
Marc
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on October 25, 2008, 22:56:10
i would think so, doesn't have anything to do with ship sim. i've got my own little story/joke

An old pirate ship is out and the first mate sees a ship and tell the captain, "enemy ship on the horizon" the captain says "ok, bring me my red shirt" so first mate gets the red shirt and they have the battle and no one dies on that ship. Soon after the first mate asks "captain, why did you want a red shirt" captain says "well if i got shot the crew would not notice and they'd keep fighting" 1st mate says "oh thats very brave sir." Next day the first mate says "20 enemy ships on the horizon" captain says "bring me my brown pants"  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on October 25, 2008, 23:38:29
nice! thats hilarious! although, i would never do that myself, th eleast i'd do for my crew is let them go on the life boats and drown by myself ofcourse, but thats about it. I'd want them to help me if i got shot though!
Brown pants...thats histerical;)  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 13:05:23
In fact it's an old one far from WWII. Red pants by Napoleon, Brown pants by Adolf H.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on October 26, 2008, 14:05:49
ok i got one

so there was a lady k.
she was mowing her back yard, when she felt a bump in the grass. She stopped the lawn mower and noticed it was her cat. She ran inside and her sister noticed she was being frantic. So she asked what she was doing the lady responded with," Im going to wal-mart to get my cats tail sewed back on." the sister said," Why Wal-mart?" the lady said," Because they are the biggest Re-tailer in America."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 19:23:15
Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 19:26:52
Nice one, Terry.
This one isn't really a joke, but more like an optical illusion.
Click to animate.
One of the smartest things I've seen lately
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 20:13:55
Nice one, Aad!

Q. Why did the concientious employee put a clock under the table?

A. Because he wanted to work over-time.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 22:10:26
How many letters F do You read here:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on October 26, 2008, 22:34:08
3
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 22:35:23
7
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dave M on October 26, 2008, 22:58:57
6 or 7 if you include this one.
How many letters F do You read here:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 26, 2008, 23:04:03
I wasn''t going to give it away....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2008, 23:24:34
Both Terry and Dave are right. Actually the letters must be count in the bold printed area.
BTW, bbydino's answer comes closet to what most people see at the 1rst time. Our brains aren't programmed to read short words like if and of.

And what can we do in this Forum?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 27, 2008, 00:47:51
Nice!

Teach
Learn
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 27, 2008, 01:08:49
Both Terry and Dave are right. Actually the letters must be count in the bold printed area.

Hi Aad. To be precise (and because I love a good discussion), your instructions said "here". So, logically that should include all of the post. Had your name been Mad_Fred, the answer would have been 8, therefore.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2008, 16:14:00
Ahoy Terry,
You're absolutely right. Next time I'll try to be more precise in my 'instructions'.
So, what do You read on the picture in the attachment?
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: FOYEN on October 27, 2008, 16:21:18
Ahoy Terry,
You're absolutely right. Next time I'll try to be more precise in my 'instructions'.
So, what do You read on the picture in the attachment?
Regards
Aad

"OPTICAL ILLUSION"     

Nice one, Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 27, 2008, 22:34:32
Q. What kind of cake do you get at McDonalds?

A. A stomach-cake!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2008, 22:37:37
A joke for tonight:
There's a groupe of creatures who love the sinking of the Titanic so much that they think the movie had a Happy End.
See Attachment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 27, 2008, 22:43:50
That doesn't look like Titanic at all to me.

Muast be some other ship of the same name.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2008, 23:02:34
Ahoy Gigantic,
In Love, War and Jokes everything is allowed.
Regards
Aad
BTW I NEVER stated that this was THE Titanic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 27, 2008, 23:29:43
A joke for tonight:
There's a groupe of creatures who love the sinking of the Titanic so much that they think the movie had a Happy End.
See Attachment
Are you sure? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 28, 2008, 15:57:32
New one:
How does a fish in a fishtank/bowl commits suicide?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Thruster on October 30, 2008, 07:51:58
Is this weird or is it just me?

(http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/54/typicalbt8.png) (http://img508.imageshack.us/my.php?image=typicalbt8.png)

 ;D ;D

Regards,


Thruster
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2008, 14:00:27
Ahoy Thruster,
Weird or not, but jokewise I can't laugh about this ;)
Here's another one:
Always be polite, or else......................................
(Click to enlarge)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Thruster on October 30, 2008, 15:10:59
Ahoy Thruster,
Weird or not, but jokewise I can't laugh about this ;)
Here's another one:
Always be polite, or else......................................

Ok ;)
That one's very funny though... :D
Where do you get all those pics?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on October 30, 2008, 15:42:53
Ode to a spell checker:

I halve a spilling chucker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2008, 15:57:39
WILD  ;D ;D ;D

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Now, after 10 years or so, you can read it from bottom to the top!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 30, 2008, 17:02:04
Ode to a spell checker:

I halve a spilling chucker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.


WILD

 :P :P :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on October 31, 2008, 03:53:59
WILD  ;D ;D ;D

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Now, after 10 years or so, you can read it from bottom to the top!!
The trick is the alteration of answers!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 01, 2008, 20:52:57
What sound do turkeys made around Thanksgiving?
See Attachment for the answer (Click to enlarge).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gamefan! on November 01, 2008, 21:49:26
haha loL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2008, 18:33:49
Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 10, 2008, 18:49:02
Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)

Ooh bad joke, not that funny if im honest...sorry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on November 10, 2008, 19:08:02
Got me smiling  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 10, 2008, 19:32:00
Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)

Absolutely hilarious!!!

AAD, did you get that one from Terry?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 10, 2008, 19:37:43
A guy goes into a bar.

He orders a beer, sits at the bar and drinks it.

Then he stands up, and takes a pee, right there at the bar.

So the barkeeper yells out, quite upset; "What the heck are you doing?!?! Are you nuts?!?!"

And the guy's face goes red and he starts mumbling; "Oh my God,.. I'm so embarrassed, I'm so ashamed, please forgive me!

"Yeah, yeah," the barkeeper says "Go on, get outta here, while I clean up your mess!"

So the guy leaves. But a few days later he is back. Orders a beer, sits there for a while, and once again stands up and pees right against the bar.

"What the heck!?" The barkeeper yells.. "Not again!? What's wrong with you.. taking another pee at the bar like that! Do you have some kind of disorder?!"

And the guy again goes red and says "Oh I'm so sorry, I am so ashamed..  I just cannot help myself. I'm so embarassed.."

So the barkeeper continues; "If this is a disorder, then why don't you seek professional help?!"

And the guy says "Yeah, perhaps you are right. I will make an appointment at a psychiatrist, I'll get my head examined, I promiss!"

So months go by, and the guy never shows up in the bar..

But then, one day, there he is again. And the barkeeper recognises him and says; "Good day mate, long time no see, how are you. How did therapy work out for you?"

And the guy says; "It worked like a charm, it was great. I am totally cured, honest!"

So the barkeeper pours in a beer, and says "Well then this one is on the house, cheers!"

The guy says "thanks!" and drinks the beer. But then he suddenly stands up and takes a pee right at the bar... again..

So the barkeeper is puzzled and says; "But I thought you said you were cured?"

And the guy says;  "What?   I am! ....I'm no longer embarassed by it!!!"




...Okay, a poor one perhaps, but I couldn't help myself.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2008, 19:43:29
@MH1:
Nope, didn't get that one from Terry. Does he own a dog?
@ Mad_Fred:
Love that kind of jokes when You can't guess the punch-line.
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 10, 2008, 20:21:40
Ooh bad joke, not that funny if im honest...sorry

I thought it was funny! Good one, Aad.

Here's a slightly cleaner joke:

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A. She couldn't control her pupils!


Q. If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had kids, who would be the biggest of the three?

A. The baby, because he's a little Bigger!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2008, 21:42:49
OK, one more to end the evening:

Test for  Brains
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

Let's find out just how clever you really are...
 
First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
                                                             











Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take her or his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




 


 


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000. Now add 10 . What is the total?



Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... 
Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
 
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?









 



He just has to open his mouth and ask.
It's really very simple. Like you!  :D :D :D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 10, 2008, 21:57:17
Although one might ask why a blind man wanted sunglasses. Was it Stevie Wonder? Or Blind Lemmon Jefferson?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 10, 2008, 22:05:59
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 11, 2008, 01:42:58
A cowboy arrives in a small town and heads for the saloon
Inside it is empty as he goes to the bar and orders a whisky
"You better make it a quick one" says the bartender. "Now's the time Big Al usually comes here for his drink"..
The cowboy finishes his whisky, and is about to leave when suddenly the door bursts open.
In the doorway stands a giant of a man, 6 feet tall, arms as wide as a mans thighs and hands the size of coal shovels.
The building shakes as he lumbers to the bar, where he silently stares at the bartender.
The barkeep nervously fills a bucket with beer from the tap and shakingly sets it before him.
The man grips the bucket with boths hands and downs the beer with one long gulp.
"Do you want another ?"  the bartender asks with trembling voice..
"Nope" is the answer  "I gotta get...Big Al's coming"...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 11, 2008, 02:09:33
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."
HAHAHA

How do you think the user Microsoft will respond to that? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:35:38
A guy goes into a bar.

He orders a beer, sits at the bar and drinks it.

Then he stands up, and takes a pee, right there at the bar.

So the barkeeper yells out, quite upset; "What the heck are you doing?!?! Are you nuts?!?!"

And the guy's face goes red and he starts mumbling; "Oh my God,.. I'm so embarrassed, I'm so ashamed, please forgive me!

"Yeah, yeah," the barkeeper says "Go on, get outta here, while I clean up your mess!"

So the guy leaves. But a few days later he is back. Orders a beer, sits there for a while, and once again stands up and pees right against the bar.

"What the heck!?" The barkeeper yells.. "Not again!? What's wrong with you.. taking another pee at the bar like that! Do you have some kind of disorder?!"

And the guy again goes red and says "Oh I'm so sorry, I am so ashamed..  I just cannot help myself. I'm so embarassed.."

So the barkeeper continues; "If this is a disorder, then why don't you seek professional help?!"

And the guy says "Yeah, perhaps you are right. I will make an appointment at a psychiatrist, I'll get my head examined, I promiss!"

So months go by, and the guy never shows up in the bar..

But then, one day, there he is again. And the barkeeper recognises him and says; "Good day mate, long time no see, how are you. How did therapy work out for you?"

And the guy says; "It worked like a charm, it was great. I am totally cured, honest!"

So the barkeeper pours in a beer, and says "Well then this one is on the house, cheers!"

The guy says "thanks!" and drinks the beer. But then he suddenly stands up and takes a pee right at the bar... again..

So the barkeeper is puzzled and says; "But I thought you said you were cured?"

And the guy says;  "What?   I am! ....I'm no longer embarassed by it!!!"




...Okay, a poor one perhaps, but I couldn't help myself.  ;D

He he that is quite good...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:37:27
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."

That is brilliant (No offence to Microsoft there). It would have been even truer if it were for BT.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:38:24
A cowboy arrives in a small town and heads for the saloon
Inside it is empty as he goes to the bar and orders a whisky
"You better make it a quick one" says the bartender. "Now's the time Big Al usually comes here for his drink"..
The cowboy finishes his whisky, and is about to leave when suddenly the door bursts open.
In the doorway stands a giant of a man, 6 feet tall, arms as wide as a mans thighs and hands the size of coal shovels.
The building shakes as he lumbers to the bar, where he silently stares at the bartender.
The barkeep nervously fills a bucket with beer from the tap and shakingly sets it before him.
The man grips the bucket with boths hands and downs the beer with one long gulp.
"Do you want another ?"  the bartender asks with trembling voice..
"Nope" is the answer  "I gotta get...Big Al's coming"...

He he, good one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 11, 2008, 19:45:39
Ok, how bout this:

Over in LA, its been a really rainy day, and David and Victoria Beckham have spent the whole day watching TV. At 6pm the news comes on, and there is a feature about a man bundgy jumping off a bridge. The guy does it perfectly and all is well.
At 10pm, the news comes on again, and once again there is the feature about the man bundgy jumping off the bridge. Victoria says to david,
'David, I bet you $1000 that that man will jump off that bridge' and so david says
'Ok, I bet you $1000 that he wont jump off the bridge'
And so of course the man jumps off the bridge, and David gives Victoria the $1000. But Victoria rejects it saying
'Oh sorry david, I cheated, I saw it on the 6pm news and I knew he jumped, keep the money'
But David says
'Oh well, I cheated aswell see, because I saw it on the 6pm news aswell and I didn't think he'd do it again!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 12, 2008, 06:16:06

   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 12, 2008, 08:14:34
Did you hear about the Irish man that got struck by lightning?

He thought he was having his photograph taken :D

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 12, 2008, 09:59:20
   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D
 
 

Great one!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 12, 2008, 10:12:00
News just in:

Microsoft today unveiled the holographic imaging capabilities of Windows 7, with alarming results.

During a demonstration of the holographic projection system, the animated paperclip from Office 2000 leapt to life and attacked everyone in the room while screaming "I didn't ask for this job! It makes me seems such a jerk!". Two hundred people were injured.

In the meanhwile ten of the Windows 7 development team suffered heart attacks upon learning that someone has actually managed to install Office 2000 on a Windows 7 platform.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 12, 2008, 17:12:33
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
That one is, in just one word, AMAZING.
http://users.telenet.be/kixx/
click the link and please, DON'T maximize the screensize by clicking.
You'll see why. Have fun
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 12, 2008, 17:29:41
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
That one is, in just one word, AMAZING.
http://users.telenet.be/kixx/
click the link and please, DON'T maximize the screensize by clicking.
You'll see why. Have fun
Regards
Aad
Ahoy AAD

Great one that!!!!


Rgds

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 13, 2008, 17:14:48
   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D
 
 

He he, I like that
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on November 13, 2008, 17:48:03
Hehe.
Very funny video :D
OMG :D :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:15:29
If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia
Note: This is not typical behavior of all Southern people - do not interpret as such.
1.   Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2.   Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3.   Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4.   Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5.   Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6.   The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7.   Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8.   Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9.   PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10.   Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11.   Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12.   Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver.
13.   "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14.   Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15.   Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16.   "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17.   One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18.   "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."
19.   Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road just yonder".
20.   Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 13, 2008, 22:17:43
A|A. Y must u always post like u r a moderator? i dont know how old u r, but u really need to loosen up. this topic is about JOKES!
 >:(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:19:02
What are you on about?

That is clearly funny.

Austin, I laughed out loud with that one!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:21:09
Thanks terry. My mom found that one. She had a good laugh at your pilot/microsoft support joke. Even took it to a meeting on campus!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:23:37
This one isn't really a joke, but it came from the "Darwin Awards" (a site that lists ways in which stupid people have stopped themselves from breeding, thereby improving humanity a little)

Quote
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached.

It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.

They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

As far as I can find out, this was a genuine report.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 13, 2008, 22:27:25
 
   â€œIf Microsoft were located in Georgia -

     * Still laughing ..! *

     :D  &nd * wiping eyes *
  Thet’s jis funny rot’thar – I don’t care warr you’re frum – thet’s a funny joke rot’thar..!
  Git ‘er done!
 
 
   P.S.  &nd Microsoft Winders Auto-Updater would automatically direct your Winders ‘Splorer to MapQuest with the nearest Wal-Mart marked out with a red X.
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:27:56
HAHA

Microsoft Announces New, Configurable Blue Screen of Death!
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"

A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent
departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that GNU/Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:29:54
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:32:20
Microsoft Keyboard revealed!
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:

    1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
    2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
    3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
    4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
    5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
    6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
    7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.



Baby Gates
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26, at 6:11 pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone can produce one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.



Air conditioning
Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 13, 2008, 22:40:47
 
   â€œYOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......”
 
 * You ask if he’s passed the bar, he hiccups and slurs – “..nah’f I kin help it – ‘n nah’f … nah’f you pay me uh’front…”
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:46:20
August 24th: Day of Ruin

    * MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD
    * Fall of Rome, 410 AD
    * British Burn D.C., 1812
    * Windows 95 Released, 1995



"I'd say the probability of Windows containing a backdoor is about
the same a spreadsheet containing a flight simulator." -- Phil Hunt



Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.



- Brussels police department, how may I assist you?
- Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
- Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
- No
- Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?
- Bill Gates
- Country?
- The USA
- Native language?
- English.
- Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?
- Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
- We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
- Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie.
- Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
- Yes
- Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
- No
- Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
- Yes
- Any pies then?
- No
- Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait.
- Just a minute.." (several minutes pass) "Okay, I'm back.
- Did you get hit by another pie?
- Of course not
- Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department.

(Support Desk)



No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1.They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:51:49
General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
2. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
3. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
4. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
5. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
6. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
7. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".
8. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year- instead of before it.
9. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
10. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
14. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
15. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
16. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
17. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
18. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
18b. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
19. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
20. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.

(This deserves a new post right?)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 22:53:03
ERROR:

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's a hardware problem.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 22:54:49
ERROR:

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's a hardware problem.

Oh sorry, typo. My microsoft spell checker didn't pick that one up.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 23:06:42
Oh sorry, typo. My microsoft spell checker didn't pick that one up.

This is the Hardware support section.

The problem you have described is a software problem. This support contract does not cover actions required to remedy spill chucker problimz.

*click*
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 13, 2008, 23:08:14
Two small boys, were talking one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 13, 2008, 23:22:21
Two small boys, were talking one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.



HAHA!!! Honest lawyer... Yeah right.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: captseaton on November 14, 2008, 18:53:06
If we are doing Microsoft jokes:

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.



The corniest nautical joke ever told:
Why are portholes on a boat or ship round?!?



So when you open them...the water doesn't hit you square in the face.  ::)

Begin Groaning...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 14, 2008, 19:10:26
One for the weekend:


The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Stupid, stupid man...

Have a good one
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 14, 2008, 19:33:36
One for the weekend:


The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Stupid, stupid man...

Have a good one
Aad

That is brilliant, and so true
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 14, 2008, 20:02:19
Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Ghengis Khan, and a lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 14, 2008, 20:29:46
I would shoot myself.... I am in the middle of an island....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on November 14, 2008, 21:02:26
A Traffic island
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 14, 2008, 21:04:57
The Murphy twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.

'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'

'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.

'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'

---------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'
'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'
'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'

-------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all grew up in The Gaeltacht and never learned to speak English. One day they went to Dublin and The Englishman heard a man saying, 'We three,' so he went around all day saying, 'We three'. The Scotsman heard a man saying 'For The want of money', so he went around all day saying, 'For The want of money'. The Irishman heard a man saying 'We well deserve it', so he went around all day saying, 'We well deserve it'.
That evening as they were making their way home they came across a dead man lying on The ground. A policeman came up to them and said 'Who killed this man?'
'We three,' said The Englishman.
'Why did you do it?' asked The policeman.
'For The want of money,' said The Scotsman.
'You'll all go to jail,' said The policeman.
'We well deserve it,' said The Irishman.

------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'


Jack.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 15, 2008, 09:14:02
New Mac platform revealed!

Now with even more pointless freezes, fewer games, and more fans that just don't know when to shut the heck up!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on November 15, 2008, 09:31:51
New Mac platform revealed!

Now with even more pointless freezes, fewer games, and more fans that just don't know when to shut the heck up!

Lol, your starting to sound like terry. :p
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 15, 2008, 11:38:44
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.
That's terrific,' said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?'
'In The Sahara Desert,' said The Irishman.
'But there aren't any trees in The Sahara Desert,' said The foreman.
'Not now there aren't!,' said The Irishman.

Jack :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 15, 2008, 20:27:00
No comment on this one.
As always: Click to enlarge
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 15, 2008, 23:19:08
Some REALLY good mac jokes:

What's the difference between a MAC and a bucket of cow****?
Three pounds and a Gameboy screen

What's the difference between a brontosaurus and a Mac?
A brontosaurus runs faster.

What's the difference between ** and a Mac?
Most ** isn't gray.

How do you make your Mac go faster?
Drop it from a higher window.

Why aren't more Mac owners computer literate?
They would be, if they had a computer.

What do you do with an obsolete Mac?
Whatever you do, don't pick it up off the store shelf and buy it!

How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to consult the manual that came with it, one to call tech-support, and two to sit and wait for the 'Smiley Face' to appear and say 'Welcome to Macintosh'.

* Edited - Mad_Fred;  If you have to allready censor it yourself, maybe better think of a synonimous word that is permitted!

** Supplementary edit by Terry for same concerns as Fred, above

*** Additional edit by Fred: DOH!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 17, 2008, 18:16:49
One for IRI5HJ4CK

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 17, 2008, 19:04:19
One for IRI5HJ4CK

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

haha, thats a good one :D ;D

Here's another joke from me

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in charge of a hospital for The disabled, and one day they were showing a millionaire around The place in The hope of getting a large donation from him.

The Englishman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £50,000.'

The Scotsman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms or legs. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £100,000.'

The Irishman took him into a ward where there was a bed with just a single tooth lying on The pillow.
'Oh my God,' gasped The millionaire, 'is that all that's left of The poor fellow?'
'Worse still,' said The Irishman, 'he's having that tooth out tomorrow.'

Jack :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 17, 2008, 19:13:15
This is the far out worse kind of discrimination I ever heard off.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 17, 2008, 19:16:10
 ;D

Good one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 17, 2008, 20:19:34
Jack

That was great. How about this one for a totally non-discriminatory joke?



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick chaps like you that give us Irish a bad name!

I'd come over there & kick the hell out of you if I could swim!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 17, 2008, 22:09:40
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Thought you might get a couple of giggles out of the incredible stupidity of people around the world !!

Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!  Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are jokes, and the questions are hilarious;but sadly, the questions were really asked.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

(Nothing personal)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 17, 2008, 22:16:49
Jack

That was great. How about this one for a totally non-discriminatory joke?



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick chaps like you that give us Irish a bad name!

I'd come over there & kick the hell out of you if I could swim!'


I've heard that one told as a blond joke. I've got a few blond jokes and i've got nothing against them as i'm blond too :P

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
___________________________________________
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
(one of my favs ;D)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 17, 2008, 23:25:41
Simple one for the end of the day::

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 18, 2008, 03:19:08
* Edited - Mad_Fred;  If you have to allready censor it yourself, maybe better think of a synonimous word that is permitted!

** Supplementary edit by Terry for same concerns as Fred, above

*** Additional edit by Fred: DOH!  ;D
Now THAT is funny! ;D

Also, Fred, you mispelled "already", "synonymous", and "d'oh"!

unless those are UK spellings :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 18, 2008, 03:50:50
id edit that post if i were u
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 18, 2008, 03:52:27
id edit that post if i were u
Yeah, wth is better.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 18, 2008, 04:10:37
yes, and if a mod sees that [slides hand over throat] "clhhghgh" your DEAD!
just kidding, they'll probably bann u though
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 18, 2008, 08:23:05
It's been seen.

Gentlemen, the level of language here has reduced to that of swamp hogs after eating too much cabbage. If you can't show Aad more respect than this, I will have to choose one of two options:

1) I could lock this thread.

2) I could ban people who post swear words in this thread

Now, I enjoy most of the posts here, so I swon't take option 1. So that leaves....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 18, 2008, 10:20:34
   :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 18, 2008, 11:33:00
Great one SD

Here's another

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2008, 12:37:23
And here comes: "Little Johnny"

A grade school teacher in Alberta asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried. 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2008, 15:15:40
This is a MUST HAVE DONE
 
> > 1. go to Google  http://www.google.co.uk/
> > 2. type Miserable failure ,
> > 3. click on I feel lucky
> > 4. ............great, isn't it?
> > 5. forward it before Google noticed...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 18, 2008, 17:26:11
Already gone.... Google unbombed G W's place.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 18, 2008, 17:28:01
And here comes: "Little Johnny"

A grade school teacher in Alberta asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried. 

lol, thats very good
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on November 18, 2008, 17:36:25
This is a MUST HAVE DONE
 
> > 1. go to Google  http://www.google.co.uk/
> > 2. type French Military Victories,
> > 3. click on I'm feeling lucky

They haven't done this one yet
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 18, 2008, 17:45:54
They haven't done this one yet

There is no 'I'm feeling lucky' there???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on November 18, 2008, 17:46:32
The button next to google search
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chrystine on November 18, 2008, 17:51:35

   Funny …  No-one’s yet told Google of Austerlitz.
 
  Well, it may be pardonable, in less than one month, it will have only been two hundred and three years since…
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 18, 2008, 17:59:42
I really did fall off my chair, laughing at that one!  ;D  ;D  :)  :D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2008, 21:42:12
UPS vs FedEx
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Tavares Junior on November 19, 2008, 14:04:20
Does anyone knows the difference betwen a LIGHTER and ASS? If not watch out when somebody ask you for a lighter  :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 19, 2008, 18:14:31
This one is a bit corny, but maybe still good for a few laughs.. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 19, 2008, 18:39:46
Very corny!!


 ;D ;D ;D ;D
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 19, 2008, 19:47:02
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Does the backside of Your Computer-system looks like the picture?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 19, 2008, 20:18:02
Far worse, they are learners

 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 19, 2008, 21:34:49
Nope, ive got a laptop! although there are many cords running through the sides.
sorry i dont have a ny jokes, im not that creative  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 19, 2008, 21:46:58
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 19, 2008, 21:56:31
 ;D

Good one. It kinda reminds me of that guy that came towards me on the street, the other day, yelling and waving at me. Then when he was close he saw that he made a mistake and said "Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else!" And I said; "I am!"  :)

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 19, 2008, 22:00:02
quick thinking, Fred.. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 19, 2008, 22:14:14
I do have clear moments too...  ;D

I cherish them these days, since they are few and far between.  ;)


Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 19, 2008, 23:07:43
HUH???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 19, 2008, 23:49:04
How about this?


Click to view
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bsm2003 on November 20, 2008, 00:02:21
How about this?


Click to view


That's hilarious.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 20, 2008, 03:04:05
lol, how about this one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 20, 2008, 03:47:10
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 20, 2008, 08:29:41
How about this?


Click to view


hahahaha! Best one yet!!! :D :D

Here's another one from me:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe.

Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe.

The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe.

The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that!' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe!'

Jack ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 20, 2008, 12:17:11
Another roadsign
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 20, 2008, 12:31:39
How about this one??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 20, 2008, 13:20:34
Another sign where somebody raped the English language
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 20, 2008, 17:44:25
What about these:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 20, 2008, 17:48:55
And this:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 20, 2008, 17:50:13
 :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 20, 2008, 17:52:31
:D :D ;D lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 20, 2008, 20:46:41
How about this facts of live?

Don't laugh ... it's all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or there already!   

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 20, 2008, 21:19:07
To put it in such large print is just silly..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 20, 2008, 21:31:52
ok heres some stupid signs/ screwups :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 20, 2008, 21:52:50
To put it in such large print is just silly..

No, that was part of the joke. DOH!  ::)  ;D

Aad: I loved it!  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 20, 2008, 22:23:35
How about this facts of live?

Don't laugh ... it's all true!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or there already!   

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Regards
Aad

Can't read it, can you make it bigger??

 ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 21, 2008, 18:21:31
How good is YOUR szpeling??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 21, 2008, 18:39:48
He he, they are good ones
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 22, 2008, 16:13:04
This is a strange and surprising thing

1. Click on this link: http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/
2. Enter Your Christian Name in the first line

3. Enter Your Family Name in the second line

don't enter Your email address

4. Click on 'Vizualizar' lean back and watch what's going to happen.

Don't ask me how it's done, but it's fun

<edit
This link isn't valid anymore
end edit>
 
  
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 22, 2008, 17:07:33
Very good!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: serkan on November 22, 2008, 17:18:16
http://www.cgarena.com/videos/commercials/swf/fedex.html   :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 22, 2008, 19:38:32
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 22, 2008, 20:50:00
Now that's a stupid sign
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 24, 2008, 10:38:45
I don't suppose the driver thought it was funny!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: trains on November 25, 2008, 03:20:49
Got a Jeff Dunham one. Involves Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Knock Knock.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 11:58:43
Got a Jeff Dunham one. Involves Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Knock Knock.

AND??

Another crazy driver....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 25, 2008, 13:09:55
AND??

Mike,

You're supposed to say "Who's there?".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 13:12:02
Mike,

You're supposed to say "Who's there?".

Terry

I did, shouted it aloud several times and no one answered!! The wife's out and home alone!!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 25, 2008, 15:08:49
Got a Jeff Dunham one. Involves Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Knock Knock.
What a Joke  :) ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 16:45:10
New one then:

Husband comes home from Church,
Greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

 

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

 

Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens..."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 25, 2008, 23:31:56
New one then:

Husband comes home from Church,
Greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

 

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

 

Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens..."


ROTFLOL!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 25, 2008, 23:42:32
The ticket
A traffic-cop stops a car on the highway.
"Good day, sir, we registered Your speed at 90 m/h and on this part of the road ther's a limit of 65m'h."
The driver reacts: "But that's impossible, officer, I had the cruise-control on at 60 m/h, maybe Your radar equippment is out of order?" 

The drivers wife, sitting next to him dosn't even stop knitting while she says: "Don't be silly, honey. You know that this car don't has a cruise control".

While the ticket is been written, the driver says between his teeth: "Why can't You hold Your mouth, just for once". 
His wife, still smiling: Be happy that Your radar-Detector was not on.

While the second ticket is written for that illegal detector the guy looks at his wife and grows: Do me a big favour and SHUT UP.

The officer frowns and is noticing that the driver isn't wearing his safety-belt.

The driver explains that he just did the belt off for reaching in his hip-pocket for his drivers licence.

His wife says: "But honey, You know better than me that You never wear that belt".

While the third ticket is been written the driver almost explodes while shouting to his wife: Why don't you put Your foot in that big hole of You that You call a mouth". 

The officer looks at the woman and asks: Does he always talk to You like that, madam?

She replies: "Oh no, officer, only when he's drunk".
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 25, 2008, 23:48:04
ROTFLOL

Here's a sort of sing a long with Ray Stevens

'If I get stuck on you'

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/SOY.htm
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 26, 2008, 22:10:47
Ok heres one:

A rich businessman leaves his home one day for work. However hes forgotten his lunch so he rings home so that his wife can drop it off for him. When he rings, he gets through to the maid, and so he asks the maid where his wife is. She replies: 'She's upstairs in her bedroom with a man, I hink tis her husband'
'But Im her husband' replied the businessman. The businessman is angry, He thinks his wife is having an affair. so he asks the maid 'How would you like to make £25,000?'
The maid says 'sure, what do I have to do?'
'Go up there and kill the pair of them' So the maid kills the wife and the man, and returns to the phone.
'What shall I do with the bodies?' asks the maid
'dump them in the swimming pool' Replies the businessman
'But you dont have a swimming pool' replied the maid,
'hang on have I got the right number?'......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 26, 2008, 22:30:43
LOL..Good one.. :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 27, 2008, 00:09:53
Ok heres one:

A rich businessman leaves his home one day for work. However hes forgotten his lunch so he rings home so that his wife can drop it off for him. When he rings, he gets through to the maid, and so he asks the maid where his wife is. She replies: 'She's upstairs in her bedroom with a man, I hink tis her husband'
'But Im her husband' replied the businessman. The businessman is angry, He thinks his wife is having an affair. so he asks the maid 'How would you like to make £25,000?'
The maid says 'sure, what do I have to do?'
'Go up there and kill the pair of them' So the maid kills the wife and the man, and returns to the phone.
'What shall I do with the bodies?' asks the maid
'dump them in the swimming pool' Replies the businessman
'But you dont have a swimming pool' replied the maid,
'hang on have I got the right number?'......
hehe :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 27, 2008, 03:01:57
ok i've got another blonde joke (no offence against blondes, as i'm one too, but these jokes are too funny to pass up)

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 27, 2008, 08:38:27
ok i've got another blonde joke (no offence against blondes, as i'm one too, but these jokes are too funny to pass up)

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.


hahahaha :D

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack :D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 27, 2008, 11:57:19
hahahaha :D

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack :D



ROTFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 27, 2008, 21:04:36
hahahaha :D

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack :D


I heard a blonde joke similar to that.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: trains on November 28, 2008, 02:57:20
Been too busy to finish it. So Terry said "who's there?"

Answer: Me . I kill you.

Anyone wanna see the joke let me know. I'll find the video. It's better to hear it that way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 28, 2008, 04:21:20
hey everyone, check out the Macys Thanksgiving day Parade (but theres a joke in it ;D) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWw46X-83xs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWw46X-83xs)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Captain on November 28, 2008, 04:38:08
Here is one that I really laughed at ;D:

2 Jews go into a Mexican resturant and each order a drink. One says" You know, there are a lot of Jewish people out there, but I wonder if there are any mexican Jews..."

"Maybe, but I don't know. Why don't you ask our waiter?

"Good idea!"
 So the waiter comes and the one man asks him-" Do you know if there are any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says" Let me go ask in the back room" So the waiter comes back with an answer." No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is sure there must be some and asks again" Are you shure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter goes and check in the back again and he says" No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is defiant and askes once more" Are you sure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter is fed up with the question and finnally says-

"NO! THERE IS NO MEXICAN JEWS! We have fruit jews, prune jews, carrot jews, apple jews, BUT NO MEXICAN JEWS!!!!"

How did you all like that one ;D?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on November 28, 2008, 12:47:43
it was ok ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 16:09:58
Here is one that I really laughed at ;D:

2 Jews go into a Mexican resturant and each order a drink. One says" You know, there are a lot of Jewish people out there, but I wonder if there are any mexican Jews..."

"Maybe, but I don't know. Why don't you ask our waiter?

"Good idea!"
 So the waiter comes and the one man asks him-" Do you know if there are any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says" Let me go ask in the back room" So the waiter comes back with an answer." No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is sure there must be some and asks again" Are you shure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter goes and check in the back again and he says" No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is defiant and askes once more" Are you sure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter is fed up with the question and finnally says-

"NO! THERE IS NO MEXICAN JEWS! We have fruit jews, prune jews, carrot jews, apple jews, BUT NO MEXICAN JEWS!!!!"

How did you all like that one ;D?
Well, It was creative. ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 16:38:59
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he  could hardly speak.

Prior to the mass he asked the monsignor what to do about his nerves.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about  getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the  water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and  took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he  found the following note on the door:

1)Sip the  vodka, don't gulp.

2)There are 10  commandments, not 12.
 
3)There  are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus  was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob  wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)We do  not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The  Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)David  slew Goliath; he did not kick the Poo out of him.

9)When  David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big  T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he  said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat  me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the  Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:  Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling  contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Have a jolly Week End
Aad

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2008, 16:51:51
A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," explains the blonde. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 28, 2008, 17:23:42
Another blonde joke, Im sorry:

What is a blondes idea of safe sex in a car?
Locking the door!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2008, 17:27:09
And another:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of hearing that blondes are all stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home from work at 5:30 pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He goes over and asks her if she is okay?

She replies, "Yes, I'm okay." Then the husband notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her what she is doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

The husband then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. The blonde replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on November 28, 2008, 17:33:14
And another:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of hearing that blondes are all stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home from work at 5:30 pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He goes over and asks her if she is okay?

She replies, "Yes, I'm okay." Then the husband notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her what she is doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

The husband then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. The blonde replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats."



That is awesome
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 28, 2008, 20:51:23
AHAHAHA!

And that doesn't violate forum rules?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 21:14:47
One for the weekend
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 28, 2008, 23:14:41
Hello everyone,

Just a friendly note here;

Some of the jokes in this thread might contain a bit stronger language than we usually allow.

In the context of a joke some of the words might be forgivable, when it also means something else, like an ass being a donkey, and such. But 'excrement' (s***) can also be described with a nicer word perhaps, and things like that.

So please gentlemen, if you can avoid certain words and sexual innuendo, it might be better suited for or younger members.

No one person or joke in particular, but I just noticed that the humorous tone in this topic loosened up the language a bit, and well, even here we have to keep to the 'normal standards' I think.

Thanks very much for your understanding and cooperation!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 28, 2008, 23:25:49
Hi Fred.

I think we're overlapping again (see above)....



What did one ear say to the other ear?
Between us we have brains!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 23:30:03
Heres a joke,

When do you know Terry is not in his Natrual Habatat?






WHen hes not in a Marmite Factory smearing marmite all over him! hehe...Made that one myself...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on November 28, 2008, 23:35:39
What word is always pronounced wrong?
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 V
Wrong.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:39:33
Hoy, guy's
Well, i like the jokes to,however,dont you think this is more for small talk board??
Let me know.
Marc
No Joke, but finally today, after more than a month, someone got the message.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 23:41:22
Ok so, A rooster lays and egg right on the peak of a roof. What side of the roof does the egg go down?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:42:29
My guess is NO SIDE, rooster's eggs are a bit to sticky to glide.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 28, 2008, 23:44:35
My guess is NO SIDE, rooster's eggs are a bit to sticky to glide.
Nope, It is NO SIDE, But not for that reason ROOSTERS Don't lay eggs. He he.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:49:00
Read my answer again. The things roosters lay are a bit sticky, aren't they? And those things are sometimes egg-shaped, although they are a lot smaller.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2008, 23:52:19
If You have nothing else to do in the weekend, You can try them 101 all out, or the 102 if You prefer.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 29, 2008, 00:44:42
Hi Fred.

I think we're overlapping again (see above)....


Yeah I noticed.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 10:50:53
Here's a nice quiet Saturday joke:

Blonde: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Blonde: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name'."

Tech Support: "Okay, so type in your last name."

Blonde: "How do you spell that?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on November 29, 2008, 17:30:43
Ha ha ha MH1.

That was a good joke :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 17:32:21
Here's another:

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 29, 2008, 18:25:12
(http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f225/JonDavis24/Funny/IrishVirus.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 18:41:23
Nice one Jack:

Here's an Irish joke for you:

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
"Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant.
"Don't tell me they've gone electric,"said the Englishman.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 29, 2008, 21:42:06
Nice one Jack:

Here's an Irish joke for you:

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
"Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant.
"Don't tell me they've gone electric,"said the Englishman.

I don't get it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on November 29, 2008, 22:23:16
Quote
I don't get it.

Nah!  It's just MH1 giving a plug for his brand of humour!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on November 29, 2008, 22:26:00
I don't get it.
A plug is what you put in the hole in the sink to keep all the water from escaping. He thought he meant plug as in what is put in an electrical outlet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 29, 2008, 22:55:30
A plug is what you put in the hole in the sink to keep all the water from escaping. He thought he meant plug as in what is put in an electrical outlet.
Ah...My sink doesn't have one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2008, 23:19:13
Try this one then?

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: hilobude123 on November 30, 2008, 01:57:15
I tried not to laugh,..... ;D It did'nt work so well! ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 30, 2008, 09:39:54
Hahaha All good jokes Mike, I liked the joke you posted before too! I'll post another one in a bit.

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 30, 2008, 10:44:26
Jack

Here's another one while we are waiting:

Mike

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 30, 2008, 11:53:37
Great one Mike! :D

An old man and a young man fished together on a regular basis. One day the old man had a jar of peanuts by his side. The young man loves peanuts but the old man did not offer him any.

After a time and while the old man was looking the other way, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. Eventually the young man, feeling guilty, confesses to taking the peanuts. "That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the Peanut M&Ms."

Jack :D
p.s. Here's another one ;D

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate; " it was me first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 30, 2008, 12:08:49
Nice one Jack, great for AAD!!

Here's another:

How much for an advert

'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Murphy.
'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Murphy.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 01, 2008, 09:52:24
Great one again Mike :D

An Irishman had been found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.

'Have you any last request?' asked the prison warden.

'Yes,' replied the Irishman. 'Would you hold my hand when I go?'


Jack ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 10:45:50
Good one Jack!!

Here's another for Monday:

'I called my son David,' said the Welshman, 'because he was born on St David's day.'
'Ay and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.'
'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did the same with my son Pancake!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2008, 11:59:39
U R G E N T
This is an annoucment from the Department of Common Health:
Never swallow chewing gum.
The consequences could be desastrous !!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 13:36:42
LOL Shipmate

Can't match that one, try this:


"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."  
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 17:36:04
Hehehehehe.

Now a Welsh one!


Punishment Saudi Arabian Style
A Welshman, an Australian and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Welshman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Englishman to my back."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 01, 2008, 18:15:55
Nice one :D I was laughing for quite a while there :D

Paddy finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "You have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like?"

Paddy scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted Paddy" said the Genie and produced the bottle. Paddy was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.

He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes Paddy, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2008, 18:17:03
Nice one 2 Jack....

Maiden flight
It was the maiden flight of the new Jumbo Jet 747-400. Mr and Mrs Murphy had been lucky enough to get seats aboard. There they sat, in comfortable seats, with not a care in the world, as the captain of the plane addressed the passengers on the tannoy.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this beautiful aeroplane. It was built by the finest technology the world has ever seen - it is a miracle of modem engineering!'

Pat Murphy smiled at Molly with pride and joy in his eyes as the pilot went on:

'On your left you can see the full-size cinema aboard. On your right is the bowling alley. Below you, downstairs, is the Olympic-size swimming pool and race track. Over your heads, one floor up, is the bar, disco and restaurant.'

Happily the Murphys began to relax, just as they heard the captain conclude by saying:

'So if you'd all like to sit back and take it easy I'll try and get this thing off the floor!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 01, 2008, 23:56:15
Sorry, Master Captain.

Your joke crossed the bounds of decency. As Fred had already warned about this earlier, I have deleted your post.

Gentlemen, please ensure that your jokes are suitable for 7 year old children. Any "jokes" with obscene or sexual references will get you into trouble.

Please also be careful about religious or racial stereotypes.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 02, 2008, 00:09:00
whoops :-[  heres a nice squeaky clean one
 From the WordPerfect Help Desk   
 
  This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Its long, but pretty funny ;D

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: trains on December 02, 2008, 03:44:24
That's rich.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 02, 2008, 16:45:24
Hi Jack.

Some of the expletives come very close to the mark. I'm not personally offended (nothing anyone says could top some of the filthy jokes I learned from my Mum or my Gran!), but people can take exception to what they perceive as blasphemy or racial stereotypes.

So, the English, Irish, Mulim, Jewish type jokes are probably not a good idea. Nor the ones where people use Irish stereotypical expressions.

I really don't want to issue a set of guidelines, but please use your discretion!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 02, 2008, 16:53:54
Ok, Thats fair enough Terry, its just a shame that things are the way they are nowerdays with some people taking offence to such jokes (Not aiming that at you by any means-I know you have a sence of humour :D). But I understand that you can't afford to take that chance with most of the previous Irish jokes etc.

Thanks for letting me know,
Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 02, 2008, 17:21:55
Amsterdam Cats

A couple's car broke down outside a pet shop and while they were waitig for the RAC man they looked in the window. There was a sign that said : Amsterdam Cats.

The couple entered the shop as they had previously been Cat breeders and had never heard of Amsterdam Cats. They looked around the store for a while until the store assistant was free. Then the man of the relationship walked over to the man behind the counter and said :

How Dutch Is That Moggy In The Window?

The shop assistant fell of his chair with laughter but the man didnt realise what he had said until after he left the shop and he too fell about in fits of laughter.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 02, 2008, 17:25:51
It's saturday morning and a G.P. (family docter) discovers that there is a lot of water in his basement. So, he calls a plumber to fix it a.s.a.p.
The plumber asks the G.P. if he can't wait till after the weekend, but the G.P. will not take NO for an answer.
So, half'n'hour later the plumber is at the G.P.'s address. The doc opens the door to the basement and indeed, ther's a lot of water. He asks the doc' for a couple of Apirines. The doc' , not really understanding the reason, still goes upstairs and returns with the pills and hands them over to the plumber while asking: "You need some water too?"
The plumber answers: "No, water enough," throws the pills into the water in the basement, turns to the doc and speaks the unforgettable words: "I'm done here for now, and if You still have troubles on monday, please call back."   :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 02, 2008, 22:14:46
It's saturday morning and a G.P. (family docter) discovers that there is a lot of water in his basement. So, he calls a plumber to fix it a.s.a.p.
The plumber asks the G.P. if he can't wait till after the weekend, but the G.P. will not take NO for an answer.
So, half'n'hour later the plumber is at the G.P.'s address. The doc opens the door to the basement and indeed, ther's a lot of water. He asks the doc' for a couple of Apirines. The doc' , not really understanding the reason, still goes upstairs and returns with the pills and hands them over to the plumber while asking: "You need some water too?"
The plumber answers: "No, water enough," throws the pills into the water in the basement, turns to the doc and speaks the unforgettable words: "I'm done here for now, and if You still have troubles on monday, please call back."   :D
I didn't quite get that one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 02, 2008, 22:17:36
Good one Aad!

Here's another:

Q:
There's a frog, dead in the middle of a lilypad, which is right in the middle of the pond,.

Which side would it jump to?


































A: None! The frog is dead! I just told you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 02, 2008, 22:19:20
Good one Aad!

Here's another:

Q:
There's a frog, dead in the middle of a lilypad, which is right in the middle of the pond,.

Which side would it jump to? A: None! The frog is dead! I just told you.
Very nice Terry. I really laughed there.
Heres one:
Ok, for you science folks out there,
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bar bouncer says "We don't allow your kind here" and the mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 02, 2008, 23:49:11
2008's First Christmas Joke   


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 03, 2008, 00:44:26
2008's First Christmas Joke   


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

LOL. Nice one what does carol think about that?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 03, 2008, 14:03:28
A New Wednesday Joke


A workman was repairing the roof of the Liverpool Cathedral. Into the chapel below came the widow Cassidy bearing the world's troubles on her shoulders.
Kneeling down she poured out her heart at a great level of decibels.
'Mother of God, help me!' she cried.
'Mother of God, help me!'
Unable to contain himself the roofer called down in a booming voice:
'What do you want?'
'Don't be so nosy!' shouted the widow. 'It's your mother I'm talking to!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 03, 2008, 21:27:51
hehe, thats pretty good :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 03, 2008, 23:55:26
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking on the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 03, 2008, 23:57:56
One to end the day with.
If You don't understand something, well, You're not alone out there.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on December 04, 2008, 01:08:53
LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2008, 10:21:45
One for Thursday:

A drunken ambulance

Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.
As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.
A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.
Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your silly ice cream!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2008, 13:30:02
The Donkey Raffle

A man named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 04, 2008, 14:34:07
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/winkeyboard.jpg)

Revenge of the mouse...

(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/mouse1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 04, 2008, 16:30:10
This one is for those people who can still remember the Stone-Age of computers. Meaning the Commodore 64.
(click on the blue square)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 04, 2008, 16:43:11
This one is for those people who can still remember the Stone-Age of computers. Meaning the Commodore 64.
(click on the blue square)
Very funny...lol. THat must have been a modern-day mac with a comment like that and that much ram. hehe...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 04, 2008, 20:22:55
This is not that funny but here we go.

Well that cheered me up!

No, wait! It didn't. JOKES go here...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2008, 21:06:29
This is not that funny but here we go.



If that's what makes you laugh in Antartica then it's no wonder that normal people don't live there!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on December 04, 2008, 21:14:01
There's a similar story to that in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, but I forget which book
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 04, 2008, 21:22:04
It could be a scene from a movie.. ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 05, 2008, 02:33:52
heres another blond joke :D

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 05, 2008, 13:55:02
Blonde, You said? OK, here's another one.
A blonde driver was stopped for speeding by a blonde Traffic Warden.
The warden asked her for her drivers license. "What is a drivers license?", the blonde replied. The warden replied: "Well, that square thing with Your image on it." So, the blonde searched her purse and took out a make-up mirror and gave that to the warden. The warden glanced at the mirror, gave it back to the blonde and said: "Why didn't You tell me that You're a Traffic Warden too? Then all this wasn't be necessary. Have a nice day."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 05, 2008, 17:24:04
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officer said the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 05, 2008, 18:45:17
He he, good one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on December 05, 2008, 19:06:57
MH1, Edited by Terry - If I see any more bad attitude here, I will get uncharacteristically cross!

Quote - If you cant say anything nice, be quiet!


About ships -as this is ship sim
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

And another:

A man was dining at a 5 star restaurant when he found a rat in the salad. The man screamed AAAAH! The water said Please! Sir! don't shout or wave it! the others will want one too!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 06, 2008, 11:07:03
Microsoft buys Christmas

NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2000, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows NT V.5.0."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2000. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2000] as early as November first."

Christmas 2000 is scheduled for release in December of 2000, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2001. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on December 06, 2008, 14:56:22
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 06, 2008, 15:31:59
No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 06, 2008, 15:48:05
I love it Aad!  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on December 06, 2008, 16:31:10
No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).
That doesn't work, my humour hasn't improved a bit :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 06, 2008, 18:17:05
No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).


Hehehe, works a treat!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 08, 2008, 22:06:03
   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         ;D

Her's a Christmas variation
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 09, 2008, 17:04:44
Nice one Aad

 :) :)


Something old:

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass which I drank. Extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it with the exception of the one glass which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink which I drank
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottle and sinks with the other which were twenty-nine, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle , which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker stand here the longer I get. Oh, me

 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 09, 2008, 18:52:11
[thud]

Loved it, Mike!

Snow wander eye drink sew mush.

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2008, 13:32:55
Festive one:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2008, 18:20:53
;D hillairous!

Keep laughing, here's another:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2008, 18:54:17
And another:


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 12, 2008, 18:45:26
An Internet Christmas:

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 12, 2008, 18:51:12
He he like that
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jim.smith on December 12, 2008, 19:28:55
I asked my wife what she would like for Christmas, she said a divorce,I said I wasnt intending to spend that much. Thats the best I can do.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 12, 2008, 19:57:35
I asked my wife what she would like for Christmas, she said a divorce,I said I wasnt intending to spend that much. Thats the best I can do.

So, so true...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 14, 2008, 01:13:28
what do you do if a blond throws a gernade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 14, 2008, 08:18:57
mwaahaaahaaahaaahaaaahaa! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 14, 2008, 12:46:27
As usual, no comment needed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 14, 2008, 19:12:48
Though i still don't understand why blonds are supposed to be stupid:
In a workplace, the boss just logged on his computer.
Suddenly, he sees a blond worker running out of his office, screaming "I know the boss' password!"
Then another worker says "Then what is it?"
The blond says: "It's ******" (<--not a bad word)
(the characters shown depend on the operating system)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on December 15, 2008, 02:16:09
As usual, no comment needed.
Also as usual, that image fails to bare even the slightest resemblence to the actual ship.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 15, 2008, 11:22:44
Also as usual, that image fails to bare even the slightest resemblence to the actual ship.

Of course. Cartoons never do, that's what they are all about.




It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 16, 2008, 23:57:56
This Is How It Works

 

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from Kentucky, another from Tennessee and the third, from Georgia. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

 

The Georgia contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Kentucky contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700".

 

The official, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The Kentucky contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the official.

 

 And that, my friends, is how government works!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 17, 2008, 17:04:14
This Is How It Works

 

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from Kentucky, another from Tennessee and the third, from Georgia. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

 

The Georgia contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Kentucky contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700".

 

The official, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The Kentucky contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the official.

 

 And that, my friends, is how government works!



Great joke, although I remember a very simular joke from Only fools and horses once
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 17, 2008, 17:13:08
 A Hispanic Christmas
 
              The night before Chreemas, on Thorsday I theenk,
              I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.
              I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast,
              Preety damn queek, I fall off my ass.

              I peek myself up and go home to bed,
              I pool the cobija up ober my head.
              Early next morning, or late een the night,
              I heer such damn recket, I theenk eet's a fight.

              I geet outta bed, I don feel very well,
              My head ees too beeg, eet hort me like hell.
              I go to the weendow, I don believe what I see,
              A pot-bellied greengo, as plain as can be.

              I looook at heez ropa, ees all colored red,
              He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled.
              I yella and I holler, "Hey, move your fat body,
              Your chivos--they champ on my grass!"

              He torn to heez goats, he say just one word,
              And them damn chivos chomp in the air like a bord.
              They corcle around, and then queek as a mouse,
              He land that damn sled on top of my house.

              They chaking their horns and stomping hees hoof,
              I theenk they damn chore play hell with my roof.
              I heer theze ole man chout loud and clear,
              "What the hell, Rodriquez, ain't no cheemney up here...

              No door, no weendow, nothing but air,
              How I gon geev you theze goverment welfare?"
              Then right away theze Rodriquez see---
              He gon get heemself something for free.

              So he says to the greengo, "Please come een senior,
              Do come on down and use the front door."
              So, he come een the house, and upon heez broad back,
              He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack.

              He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor,
              And start pooling out comida galore.
              He pool out tortillas, tamales and ham,
              He pool out a cheekin and haff of a lamb.

              He pool out cervesa and a bottle of wine,
              I cannot believe that theze eez all mine!
              I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you locky by heck,
              Theze chore as hell beats unemployment sheck."

              So he chakes out heez boles and dreenk some of my wine,
              And cosses hees chivos to get them een line.
              He cosses and hollers, he knows every one,
              "Chingow, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon."

              That ole man he know how to puut on a chow,
              Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go.
              At last he get them to chom een the sky,
              And the last time I see heem, he preety damn high.

              He going away and the last theeng I heeer,
              'IF YOU VOTE FOR BILL CLINTON, I BE BACK NEXT YEAR!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on December 19, 2008, 13:30:50
A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's*  clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 19, 2008, 13:54:04
Good one Nathan!! Not sure it is a joke though as it is probably true!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 20, 2008, 16:07:53
A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's*  clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister
I didn't quite get it, Probably cause im not a brit but nice job!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 20, 2008, 16:13:14
A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's*  clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister

That is a brilliants one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on December 20, 2008, 16:42:10
I didn't quite get it, Probably cause im not a brit but nice job!
Gordon brown tells so much lies, that the clock goes so fast around itself, so god can use it as a fan now
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 20, 2008, 16:59:19
Well done Minime


From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

The cruise ship captain replied, "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 20, 2008, 17:43:37
He he he good one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 20, 2008, 17:50:23
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 21, 2008, 11:04:29
An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," the engineer said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the engineer replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown ashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now! "Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL.!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 21, 2008, 17:03:54
A few Presidential Limo's (Part 1)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 21, 2008, 17:05:25
Part 2

For my next post You'll have to wait (a little while only). Being my 500th, it will be something special.
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 21, 2008, 17:08:04
Basketball playing President elect?


A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 21, 2008, 17:43:26
Mike: G-r-o-a-n....

Aad: Missed you recently! Glad to see you back.

And a Merry Christmas to all my readers.  :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 21, 2008, 18:31:22
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner...
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 21, 2008, 18:35:40
Mwahahahahaha!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 22, 2008, 16:05:31
(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)Condition LOL. I repeat: Condition LOL(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)
Been playing too much Need for Speed Most Wanted. Take that, you cops!

ARGH! Roadblock!
(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/alarm.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathanael on December 22, 2008, 16:24:18
A blonde and a brunette are jumping of a building. Who will hit the ground first.

Well, the brunette, because the blonde asks for directions half way.

Just one a friend made up at school.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on December 22, 2008, 16:25:53
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathanael on December 22, 2008, 16:28:00
Why did Mary fall of the swing?

Because she was dead.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 22, 2008, 17:00:00
Ok, while we're on blonde jokes
A blonde buys her first mobile phone..She shows it to her friends that evening..
The next day she's sitting in a cafe when she get's a call from one of them on her mobile
"Hi" she says.."how nice of you to call, but how did you know I was here..? "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 22, 2008, 18:17:15
he he!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 22, 2008, 22:25:26
L
O
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L.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on December 23, 2008, 01:28:12
good one :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 23, 2008, 10:47:41
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .......... $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 23, 2008, 14:02:16
(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 24, 2008, 12:26:21
- "Waiter !  What is this fly doing in my soup ?"
- ............ "I believe the backstroke, sir"....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 24, 2008, 12:49:23
Murphy's Laws of Computing
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on December 26, 2008, 00:44:10
Murphy's Laws of Computing
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.




or in some cases down grade
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on December 26, 2008, 21:07:08
Mom opens the fridge:
"John (son), why is there only one cake in the fridge if there were two yesterday?"
"'Coz I didn't see it"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on December 27, 2008, 00:44:26
Heh, nice.

I'm on Mac, so I'm in a Mac-bashing mood. I made this one up myself recently:

A smart blond is on top of the world's tallest building, when she drops her Mac off the roof. She dives after it, desperate to retrieve it. Which hits the ground first: her, or her Mac?

Neither, for two reasons:

1) There is no such thing as a smart blond

and

2) Smart people don't use Macs
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on December 27, 2008, 01:18:05
OK. Here's a good one.

A stupid pilot is flying a plane.
and he was soon landing.

then the man on the tower said to the pilot.
what is your position?

the man on the tower repeated it 5 times.
then the pilot said to the man on the tower:

Hey. My position on the front of the plane and steering the plane ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 27, 2008, 18:05:12
ROTFLOL!!!!!! NOT?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 28, 2008, 06:59:20
Sorry, but I think the humour may have gotten lost in the translation...


How do sailors get their clothes clean?

They throw them overboard and the get washed ashore !


It's nearly Easter.

A man and his wife are sitting on the couch and the man starts to get amorous. His wife pushes him away and shakes her head.

The man is perplexed and asks "What's wrong?".

His wife says "I can't darling, it's Lent."

Surprised, the husband asks "Lent? To who and for how much?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 30, 2008, 15:22:53
A wrong Diagnose
An obvious drunk, smelling like a still, sits in the Subway right next to a Catholic Priest.
This guy wears sloppy clothes, his face is covered with lipstick smears and a half empty bottle of Gin sticks in his pocket.
There lies a n old Newspaper around and the drunk starts reading it. After a few minutes he turns to the priest and asks: "Your Eminence, do You know what causes Artrithis?"

"Yes,my son, I know" answers the priest with a slight disapproval looking at that drunk.
"It's caused by a profligate life filled with cheap and wicked woman, to much cheap spirits and an absolute  contempt to You fellowmen."

"Holy Smoke," mumbles the Drunk, "I just read here that the Pope is suffering from it."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on December 30, 2008, 15:54:57
He he
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 01, 2009, 12:35:32
LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 03, 2009, 01:42:51
LOL!!!! But does the Pope really have cheap Women?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 03, 2009, 08:23:13
I think you have missed the point Firestar
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 03, 2009, 22:42:43
I think you have missed the point Firestar
No I didn't, I just wondered. Why do you always say that kind of stuff?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:04:42
Here's a kind of a riddle: "Who is this?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ash on January 04, 2009, 01:06:11
albert einstein
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:10:45
albert einstein
You are right, but now comes the surprise. Try to look at the pic from about 16.4 feet (5 meters) and tell me who do you see now?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 04, 2009, 01:12:25
looks like Maralyn Monroe!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:14:29
And You are also right, Nathan.
Amazing, isn't it?
Congrats to both of You. Your price is a foot trip to Rome.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 04, 2009, 01:14:56
Triffic  ::)

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kona1988 on January 04, 2009, 01:15:50
Hahaha, I love things like that.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 04, 2009, 01:19:02
Well, to close the night: before that thing happens to me tomorrow morning.........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 04, 2009, 02:04:24
Here's a kind of a riddle: "Who is this?"
That is amazing. I like her better 16 Feet away though "Im gonna have to arrest you for being to pretty :police:"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 05, 2009, 19:01:30
       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 05, 2009, 19:04:20
       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad

 ;D Nice one Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 05, 2009, 21:39:49
       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad

Mwaahaahaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ;D ;D very funny! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 06, 2009, 22:05:37
George's Japanese neighbour, Seko Chubachi, was involved in a traffic accident and is now hospitalized. Beeing a good neighbour, George is going to pay him a visit.
Mr. Chubachi looks like a mummy, complete wrapped in bandages and all kinds of tubes and hoses sticking out of his body. He is unable to move and only his eyes are uncovered. He seems to be asleep.
George stands a while beside the bed when suddenly the mr. Chubachi opens his eyes  en shouts out:
"Sakaro Aota Nakamy Anyoba, Sasha Mashuta!!!"
Then he closes his eyes and dies.
Those last words keep spinning around in Georges head.
At the funeral George is present to pay his respect to the wife and daughter of his neighbour.
After the ceromonies he askes mrs. Chubachi what those words Sakaro Aota Nakamy Anyoba, Sasha Mashuta ment.
The widow collapses unconscious and the daughter face fades white like a bedsheet.
George keeps asking: Come on, tell me, what does those last words mean?
Then the daughter replies:
You're standing on my oxygen tube, Jackass!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 07, 2009, 10:33:54
Voted Australia's best joke 2008

>>>>A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian  coast.
>>> He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible  night
>>> wondering what could have happened to her.
>>> Next morning  there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
>>> couple of  policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
>>> The Sarge says,  'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
>>> really bad news, but,  some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
>>> 'Well,' says the  bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
>>> The Sarge says,  'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
>>> Bill here found  her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
>>> the
>>> reef. He got  a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
>>> The bloke is  naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
>>> of a turn.  But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
>>> what the good  news is.
>>> The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were  quite a few
>>> really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to  her, so
>>> we've brought you your share.'
>>> He hands the bloke a sugar bag  with a couple of nice crays and four or
>>> five crabs in it.
>>> 'Geez thanks.  They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
>>> that... So  what's the other possible good news?
>>> 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you  fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
>>> here get off duty at around 11  o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
>>> and pull her up  again!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 07, 2009, 18:49:07
Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D Very good!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mr Robville on January 07, 2009, 20:03:34
like i always say... better a hole in your pants then a pants in your hole...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wenier on January 08, 2009, 09:15:14
These are actually events and replies from US Airforce Technical logs.

Pilot: "#1 Main Wheel almost worn to limits"
Mechanic: "Tyre almost replaced"

Pilot: "Autopilot not operating"
Mechanic: "Autopilot does not operate in OFF position"

Pilot: "#2 Engine missing"
Mechanic: "Engine Found"

Pilot: "Autoland function very rough on landing"
Mechanic: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft!"

There are many more just hard to remember them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 08, 2009, 17:28:39
---TWO NUNS



There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down


And for those of you who thought it would be naughty,

 I'll pray for you!  
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 08, 2009, 18:50:04
Great Jokes Aad and Mike! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 08, 2009, 20:22:46
I laughed at your jokes, Mike and Aad!

One thing, could I ask you and all joke posters to moderate some of the language, we've crossed that line again, a bit.

Nothing serious but you know how these things drift.

"suitable for seven year olds" - Thanks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 09, 2009, 00:04:50
The BBC is surely suitable for 7 year olds?
NO, and that's no joke :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 09, 2009, 00:18:34
Have you seen some of the filth the BBC puts out?

Ross, Brand...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 09, 2009, 13:17:12
Going through those Bushisms I see no bad words.. but I do see a lot of bad language though.   :)

Not something our 7 year olds will benefit from. That could drag their level right down, to be honest..

 :P

Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 10, 2009, 17:34:15
A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.


His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."

 His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 10, 2009, 19:45:55
he he, very good! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 11, 2009, 02:13:15
I didn't get it right away, but very funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 12, 2009, 14:17:42
Eco Joke!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 12, 2009, 18:02:18
Brought an ironic smirk to my face.

Thanks, Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on January 12, 2009, 18:16:32
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

Jack :D
p.s. Love that joke Mike :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 12, 2009, 18:23:52
Brought an ironic smirk to my face.

Thanks, Mike

Terry

Thought the Titanic fans would like it too!!

Nice one Jack

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 12, 2009, 19:25:58
And they may dislike this one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 12, 2009, 20:42:15
 ;D  :laugh:  :laugh: :D  :)

Loved it, Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 12, 2009, 23:02:46
Nice jokes guys
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 12, 2009, 23:15:52
always nice to have a good laugh, good ones guys ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 13, 2009, 00:30:37
When snowflakes are softly whirling down to earth, and you are wondering what they taste like, be aware where You're standing.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 13, 2009, 00:33:30
 :laugh:


Good one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Drakko on January 13, 2009, 00:38:03
here`s mine: there were three adults one was called nothing , tho other nobody and the last one was called stupid then one day nothing fall into a hole and nobody began to help him , meanwhile stupid go with a police for help and he said : nothing fall into a hole and nobody is helping .
the police ask : are you stupid?
then stupid saids: nice to meet you
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 13, 2009, 01:32:50
hehe, thats pretty good :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 13, 2009, 16:54:18
THE ITALIAN GRAN'

 
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her
grown  grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta.  I
am inna apartmenta 301  ..
There issa bigga panel at the front door.  With
you elbow, pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in.  Come  inside, the elevator
is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow,  pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With
you elbow, hit my  doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting
all  these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . . . .. .. You coming  empty handed?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 13, 2009, 16:57:08
he he nice one! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on January 13, 2009, 17:30:08
yes  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 13, 2009, 17:37:56
hehe nice one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 13, 2009, 17:55:07
I have a Question. In fact, I have 10 questions.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from  Poland  are called Poles, then why aren't people from  Holland called Holes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and ' IRS ' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 13, 2009, 18:10:48

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and ' IRS ' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?
  

Doesn't work in England, here were have HMR&C - Her Majesties Revenue and Customs. Don't know why it's called that as she doesn't get the money!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 14, 2009, 15:58:39
Got Kid's ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of your childrens life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

If you have a lot of tension and you got a headache, do what it says on the Aspirin Bottle:

'Take two Aspirin' and 'Keep away from children'!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 14, 2009, 18:24:40
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party......    Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...   With a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on January 14, 2009, 19:33:43
Good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 14, 2009, 19:43:20
Good ones there Aad and MH1
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 14, 2009, 21:57:25
LOL. LOL.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on January 15, 2009, 01:57:15
*****


really excepting the fact that i am christian i dont find this really funny in fact it is really rude
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 15, 2009, 02:32:17
Hi gentlemen,

I have removed the last joke. I think it wasn't really that rude, because it was quite innocent, yet I understand and respect how you, bbydino55, might not agree. And I think you thus have a valid point.

I am very much convinced that Aad meant no disrespect, but it might be wise, to steer clear of religious or political content and such, because it's not always suited for everyone, and I'd like to compare that to the '7 year old' rule that Terry has referred to aswell. Some people might find it blasphemous to mix humor with religion.

So Aad, I removed that joke. I trust you understand.

Regards,
Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 15, 2009, 10:36:32
@Fred,
Message understood. I hope no harm was done. Didn't indeed ment to insult anybody. So I removed the whole entry.
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 15, 2009, 10:45:52
Thanks Aad, for understanding and removing!!   :)

I don't think there will be any permanent damage... right bbydino05?  ;)

Regards,
Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 15, 2009, 12:23:54
Here's a non-religious, non-racial, non-political, jokes for 6 year olds:

Drunk Giraffe
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same.

The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe.

They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.

They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.

The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door, The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' to which the man replies,

'Its not a lion its a giraffe!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 15, 2009, 17:10:56
bad joke, but good joke! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 15, 2009, 17:13:39
How about this one, the 5 year old next door really loved this:

Driving with Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ash on January 15, 2009, 19:08:11
thats gooooood
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 15, 2009, 19:48:19
Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd think at least one of them would have noticed it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 15, 2009, 21:04:30
The K9 Patrol
The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 15, 2009, 22:17:47
Good jokes, gentlemen!!  ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Second Mate on January 16, 2009, 00:39:06
Here's a non-religious, non-racial, non-political, jokes for 6 year olds:


I guess jokes about Hamas are out then
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on January 16, 2009, 00:41:52
Thanks Aad, for understanding and removing!!   :)

I don't think there will be any permanent damage... right bbydino05?  ;)

Regards,
Fred
right but really as long as it doesn't go that far i really don't mind but that went a litle to far
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 16, 2009, 01:31:26
Chaps, post jokes here, not chatter!


I went to the doctors. He said 'What's the problem?'.

I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.

He said 'What do you want me to do?'.

I said 'Break my arms!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 16, 2009, 03:29:42
hehehe, good one :D heres one

Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton. 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 16, 2009, 10:35:45
Computer Joke


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el
computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the
problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on January 16, 2009, 13:00:57
Although looking into it, it actually IS "la computadora", female.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on January 16, 2009, 13:28:51
Computer Joke


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el
computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the
problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.



That one put a smile from ear to ear on my face  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 16, 2009, 13:29:47
Blonde Sheep Winner
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on January 16, 2009, 23:20:00
Already been posted, Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2009, 00:10:52
Animal Super Bowl
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2009, 00:16:49
Rudolph's Medical Bill
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 17, 2009, 01:00:56
Two Aerials met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married.

The ceremony was boring but the Reception was brilliant.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 17, 2009, 09:24:32
Two Aerials met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married.

The ceremony was boring but the Reception was brilliant.


That was awful Terry yet it still made me laugh! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2009, 11:44:05
Rabbit Test
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 17, 2009, 12:58:41
Could it be here:
You're absolutely right.
Couldn't find it with the search function. Therefore I thought it wasn't placed yet :-[. SORRY
Entry's removed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 17, 2009, 20:03:52
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk........................................................................................... to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 17, 2009, 21:17:27
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk........................................................................................... to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
LOL!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on January 17, 2009, 21:38:29
Do you allways repeat a joke before you laugh..?   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 17, 2009, 22:12:39
Yes, he does.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 17, 2009, 22:13:31
Yes, he does.  ;)
hehe...sorry.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Beau Brown on January 18, 2009, 00:52:02
When snowflakes are softly whirling down to earth, and you are wondering what they taste like, be aware where You're standing.

Funny, those were almost my Christmas cards.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 18, 2009, 09:14:07
Funny pics there CC ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 18, 2009, 11:15:47
Sharky looks like the Golden Gate Bridge. Not sure there is a bridge in South Africa like that
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 18, 2009, 12:00:20
No worries, you meant no harm!   ;)

And it was funny... but well, you know.. we have these rules and they might be strict sometimes, but well, they are meant to keep the forum suitable for all ages and countries...

It was funny and quite innocent, but that doesn't make it any less a violation of the bad language rule, unfortunatly..  :)


Regards,
Fred


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 18, 2009, 16:59:17
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh...

(scroll down)


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 18, 2009, 18:56:45
Follow Up to Mike's 'Blonde' Joke.
Just to be friendly, her boyfriend decided to buy a real Jig Saw Puzzle for her. Knowing how clever   ;) she is he bought her a 60 pieces puzzle.
After a few weeks she called him on his cell phone, and told him sooooo exited: "Darling, I solved the puzzle. Are You proud of me now?" No reaction from the other side, so she said: "I thought 18 days to solve this puzzle was very fast!" "How do You mean? " her friend replies. "Well", she replied, "on the small side of the box is printed 3 - 6 Years "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 18, 2009, 21:26:27
Doctor, Doctor. My wife can't say the letters "F" or "T" !

Well she can't say fairer than that, then.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 18, 2009, 23:32:28
Good one, Terry.
Do You remember Bill Gates getting 'PIED' ?
Well, I do.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 19, 2009, 16:37:13
Why it's not wise to throw away any left overs.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Garth H on January 19, 2009, 17:29:13
Hi CC, 

We don't have bridges like that over rivers flowing into the sea where there is a wier.  Where are the helicopter insignia?  The British have not had military exercises is South Africa for about 20 years and our great white sharks only jump out of the water to catch seals that they have been chasing. (which was the video shown on National Geographic)  Sorry that photo is a computer digitally modified scam.

Here is my joke:


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white US. Government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.  You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

 The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion; where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
 
'When  white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo,  plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ‘only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 19, 2009, 17:56:51
While we at the shark-theme: Here's another one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 19, 2009, 18:37:13
The Camel Joke
There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy say's, yeah. He hop's in, the driver say's, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town. So the driver start's driving, he get's up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see's the camel right behind him. He say's to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say's, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed's up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. And say's to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say's, he's know's the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed's up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and look's behind him, and look's at the guy and say's, hey buddy your camel he's looking pretty rough. The guy say's, oh yeah, what's he doing. The driver say's, well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say's, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say's to the left side. The guy say's, YOU'D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE'S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 19, 2009, 18:48:20
lol.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 21, 2009, 16:32:18
So this guy is going to a wintersport destination by nighttrain. In the sleepingcar he discovers that he had to share it with a female passenger.
"Hi, I'm Bob" says the guy.
"And my name is Liz" replies the woman. They decide that she sleeps in the upper bunk and he in the lower one.
They went to their bunks, and 15 minutes later:
"Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob.
"It's quite cold up here, would you be so kind and close the window?
"Off course ", replies Bob, stands up, closes the window and went back in his bunk. 
15 minutes later : Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob.
"It's quite sultry now, can you open the window please"
"Okay", replies Bob, get out, opens the window, and back to his bunk.
15 minutes later: Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob, a bit grumpy.
"It's a bit chilly now" says Liz, "I noticed that their are some extra blankets in that cabinet over there. Would you be so kind and hand me one over?" 
Bob replies: "We could act as we were married"
"Oh, if you like that" replies Liz.
"OK", says Bob, Lift your body out of your bunk, take the blanket, go back, shut your mouth and let me sleep!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 21, 2009, 16:42:34
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said ...

"Rain."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathan|C on January 21, 2009, 20:00:16
 ;D

Nice One  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 21, 2009, 22:47:53
Lol. Niether of them speaks English. But I guess whit George Bush's logic like "Put a bomb in a box of cheerios...hehe...." you can't call that english.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on January 22, 2009, 05:14:40
;D
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 22, 2009, 10:21:37
Here is a South African version of an earlier blonde joke:

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 22, 2009, 11:02:34
I have no comment what so all for this one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on January 23, 2009, 12:48:03
lol thats one of the best! ;D ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 23, 2009, 16:46:22
Four students on highscool arrived much to late for a very imprtant exam.
The patrolling teacher told them that they could'nt take the exam because of the fact the where not on time.
One of the students told the teacher the reason they where to late: the car they used got a flat tyre on their way to the Highschool.
In that case, the teacher said, they diserved a second chance to do the exam one week later, same time, at his home.
Of course they where spot on time that day.
The teacher let them enter each a different room with just a chair and a table. On the table was the envelope with the oh so feared questions.
When they opend it there was a sheet of paper in it with just one question:
"WHICH TYRE WAS THE FLAT ONE?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 23, 2009, 20:02:43
Here are the pic's that go with this one: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg140236.html#msg140236
They are in Dutch, but the text is English in the mentioned one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 23, 2009, 23:50:18
Foot-and-mouth virus
Atlanta, Ga.
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 24, 2009, 21:20:04
Stock Market explained.

Once upon a time there was a stranger walking into a village. He said that he wanted to buy acorns and was willing to pay one Euro per piece.
There where a lot of oaktrees in that village, so the villagers started to collect as many acorns as they could find.
One week later the stranger came back and bought all the acorns for one Euro each, as promised. He told the villagers that he would come back next week and was willing to pay 2 Euro's a piece.
And again the villagers started to collect acorns. Although there where a lot less than a week before.
The stranger came back and payed 2 Euro's each, as promised, and said to come back one week later to pay 5 Euro's a piece.
The villagers found only a few handfull and a week later the stranger came back, paid the fiver per piece and said to come back the next week to pay 20 Euro's per acorn.
How good the villagers where searching, there was not one acorn left in the whole village and the surroundings.
One day later another stranger came to the village with a truckload full of acorns.
The villagers begged the stranger to buy those acorns. He agreed for 15 Euro's per acorn.
The villagers started to collect all the money what was in the village, even the piggybanks of the children where emptied.
At last they had just enough money to pay for that truckload.
A week later the first stranger didn't show up. Not the next day, not the next week. They never saw him again.
They lost all their money, and all they got was a truckload of acorns.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is how the stockmarket works.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 24, 2009, 23:47:46
Light bulbs
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to anti-trust laws.
Q. How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light  bulb?
A. Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft  gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 25, 2009, 00:12:49
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Its a hardware problem!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 25, 2009, 00:14:45
I went to the doctors with a jelly in one ear and custard in the other.

The doctor asked, "'what's the problem?"

I said "you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf."  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 25, 2009, 00:15:24
Microsoft Keyboard revealed!
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
    1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
    2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
    3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
    4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
    5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
    6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
    7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 25, 2009, 14:09:53
ha ha funny! :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on January 25, 2009, 15:38:24
that sign thing that says "click here if your stupid" i clicked on it a few times it and it does NOTHING (except change color)(and sure call me stupid)




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 25, 2009, 18:09:02
If this car was driving in front of You:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 25, 2009, 18:32:03
Modify post and delete image!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 25, 2009, 19:36:01
LOL.
Just LOL.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 25, 2009, 22:37:47
Polar Bear Attack in Churchill, Manitoba , Canada.   

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.
These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery.

The photo's are below.
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Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on January 25, 2009, 22:51:21
I was expecting this big huge bear, but then that little ting came up, I almost fell of my chair
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 25, 2009, 22:57:04
If this car was driving in front of You:

huh? :( dont get it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 25, 2009, 23:32:13
If this car was driving in front of You:
lol. I know I wouldn't.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 26, 2009, 00:21:04
huh? :( dont get it
Ask your mum!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 27, 2009, 22:54:27
OK, new one:

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1909. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some  statistics for the Year  1909 :
       ************************************
The average life expectancy  was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
The average  worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births  took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all  doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death  were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10  adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect  guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !

Stunning, isn't it??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on January 27, 2009, 22:57:01
Yeah, drugs weren't drugs.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on January 28, 2009, 00:25:47
hay aad that stuff you typed was amazing! ;D ;D :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on January 28, 2009, 15:00:11
You'll get this one!

"Ouch! Soccer hurts! It's a dangerous sport ever!"

(http://i454.photobucket.com/albums/qq268/1j1j1/funny_soccer.jpg)


yes it does lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 28, 2009, 15:30:51
My doctor told me: "Only one glass of alcoholic drinks a day".
Well, I can live with that advice.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 28, 2009, 18:29:22
My doctor said I could have one glass of whiskey each day.

This one is for March 15th, 2078. Cheers...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 29, 2009, 00:04:33
My doctor said I could have one glass of whiskey each day.

This one is for March 15th, 2078. Cheers...
Hehe....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on January 29, 2009, 00:51:48
An Internet Christmas:

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
this is one of the most funniest things i've read on, joke of the day
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 29, 2009, 20:28:14
Never do things to another, when You don't want this things done to you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 29, 2009, 20:36:16
After I had parked my car in the High Street today, somebody actually complimented me on my driving.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 29, 2009, 20:49:48
 ;D :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on January 29, 2009, 21:45:16
After I had parked my car in the High Street today, somebody actually complimented me on my driving.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.



ha ha ha! ;D ;D that is so simple, yet so funny...... :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 29, 2009, 22:49:26
Bery awesome, You ill have to pay them you know. Hehe...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 19:35:31
Great one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:17:10
Heres one: What do you call a person choking on a pretzel?
A) An impossibly cross-bred Greek-Lanulosian monkey
B) George Cush
C) All of the above
















Answer: C
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:19:39
B) George Cush
Who is that :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:23:04
Who is that :D
ROFL  :D ;D :D 8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:23:54
If this car was driving in front of You:

My mom doesnt get it either, and I am very curious. please may someone post the meaning?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:24:45
My mom doesnt get it either, and I am very curious. please may someone post the meaning?
Just look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PMS
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:25:28
Make me laugh, someone, please ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:27:15
Make me laugh, someone, please ;D
Ahoy Tom
This http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg153770.html#msg153770 is really hilarious !!!
@ Gloat: Where are you from original? Mars??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:31:04
This http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg153770.html#msg153770 is really hilarious !!!
Hehe...LOL...ROTFL...LM*O
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:31:13
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:33:00
ha ha ha Great joke I love it. ;D
I hate to say it but most my jokes are not for here :-[
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:33:24
What weighs more a pound of pennys or a pound of feathers?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:34:33
?

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:35:04
What weighs more a pound of pennys or a pound of feathers?
They both weight the same ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:35:57
They both weight the same ;D
If a rooster lays an egg right on the peak of a roof, what side does the egg role down?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:36:57
the right.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,


"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 30, 2009, 23:37:17
Gloat: Check the jokes already posted. Then you might not repeat them....


A man went to the Doctor. He said "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'. What's the matter with me?"

The Doctor thought about this for a while and then said "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

The man was horrified. "Is it common?", he asked.

"It's not unusual.", said the Doctor.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:37:58
the right.

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,


"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
No, I doesn't role down any side because ROOSTERS can't lay egg!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: tom_baker1709 on January 30, 2009, 23:38:27
Great jokes.
I don't get the one about the rooster
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:38:49
?

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg150527.html#msg150527
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 30, 2009, 23:39:45
Later, the same man went back to the Doctor's surgery.

He said "Doc, I've hurt my arm in several places."

The Doctor said "Well don't go to those places any more."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:40:55
If a rooster lays an egg right on the peak of a roof, what side does the egg role down?
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg138738.html#msg138738
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:41:22
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg150527.html#msg150527

Oh. :(

Terry: LOL!

NO-ONE GO TO THE QUALITY GLOATYGLOAT PRODUCT STORES! YOUR FISH WILL DIE!!

(http://www.tensionnot.com/images/images/Amazing599.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on January 30, 2009, 23:42:08
I went to the butcher's and bet him 50 pounds that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He wouldn't take the bet, though. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."



On topic please, Gloat!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:42:37
What weighs more a pound of pennys or a pound of feathers?
Depends on from what hight you'll get it on your head   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:44:02
On topic please, Gloat!

I thought funny pics were allowed here?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on January 30, 2009, 23:44:44
I thought funny pics were allowed here?
It would be funnier if it was a toilet!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2009, 23:45:35
I thought funny pics were allowed here?
FUNNY pictures are!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on January 30, 2009, 23:51:05
FUNNY pictures are!!

That WAS SUPPOSED to be funny...

Wasn't it?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on January 31, 2009, 00:36:02
lol thats a good one ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 01, 2009, 02:43:06
lol, very good Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 01, 2009, 15:13:09
Whenever you have to see your doctor, think first if it's not just your own fault. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 02, 2009, 20:44:48
When You meet a genius be carefull what You wish for.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 02, 2009, 22:06:33
When You meet a genius be carefull what You wish for.
Haha!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 02, 2009, 22:21:45
When You meet a genius be carefull what You wish for.
Lol, thanks for the advice, I'll be careful when I see a genius
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on February 02, 2009, 23:01:23
'hehe. though this would be funny ;D

(http://www.wondercomments.com/funny/funny_comment_28.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 02, 2009, 23:22:52
That was so sad :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 02, 2009, 23:25:15
lol. Thats funny.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 03, 2009, 10:03:02
That was so sad :'(

Aw....  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 04, 2009, 22:51:30
'hehe. though this would be funny ;D

(http://www.wondercomments.com/funny/funny_comment_28.jpg)

That isn't funny ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 04, 2009, 23:39:57
When you got the Error Message from your printer:
PAPER FEED FAIL
better remove the mouse.
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Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 05, 2009, 14:28:08
 ;D ;D  poor mouse  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on February 05, 2009, 14:56:15
haha.this is funny ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 05, 2009, 17:17:44
(http://file042b.bebo.com/3/large/2008/02/21/11/4822997546a6955407691l.jpg)


Jack :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 05, 2009, 18:01:10
lol at both of those Jack and Captin best! :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on February 05, 2009, 23:10:48
haha.this is funny ;D


I got that pic in an email... it was a free version of windows Vista. You see, Vista in portuguese means view (example: "the view from my window")
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 06, 2009, 00:45:45
Eet your green vegetables, my mum told me every time. Well, if she had seen this she wouldn't insist on it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 06, 2009, 23:48:05
This evening my neighbour came to my house, really in Panic. "Help me, please help me", he said.
I asked: "What's the matter, chap? "
"My mother in law will commite suicide by jumping out of the window" was his answer.
Knowing that his relationship with his wifes mother was only so-so I said: "Well, let her jump, then".
"That's the problem" he said, "The window got stuck in the groove, and I'm not able to open it alone".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 07, 2009, 04:31:21
Lol, very good aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 07, 2009, 16:26:45
Nice one Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 16:39:52
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 07, 2009, 17:04:04
lol very good gloat
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 07, 2009, 17:08:35
Nice one Gloat. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 17:12:13
Another:

She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart.

In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it.

A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight!

Marching over at a rapid pace she announced,
"It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is."

Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked,
"Ok, how about Arizona?"

The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer,
"A"!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 07, 2009, 17:22:35
You sure like those blonde jokes. ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 07, 2009, 18:33:16
You sure like those blonde jokes. ::)

And your joke is...?



I rang up my local cinema today.

I said "Is that the local cinema?".

"Depends where you're calling from" said the voice on the phone.



Amanda, a blonde lady, found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on a plane. The lawyer kept annoying her, asking  to play a game of intelligence.

Eventually the lawyer offered Amanda 10 to 1 odds.  He said every time she could not answer one of his questions, she would owe him $5, but every time he could not answer her question, he’d give her $50.00.

The lawyer figured he couldn't lose. Amanda accepted his challenge as she was fed up with his pestering.

The lawyer asked the first question: “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word Amanda handed him $5.  Then she asked her first question:  ”What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer was puzzled.  He spent several hours looking up everything he could on his laptop and placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.  Finally, angry and frustrated,  he gave up and paid Amanda $50.00

Amanda put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, Amanda handed him $5.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 18:56:50
Serves him (the lawyer) right. Well done, Amanda !!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 19:05:59
And your joke is...?



Amanda, a blonde lady, found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on a plane. The lawyer kept annoying her, asking  to play a game of intelligence.

Eventually the lawyer offered Amanda 10 to 1 odds.  He said every time she could not answer one of his questions, she would owe him $5, but every time he could not answer her question, he’d give her $50.00.

The lawyer figured he couldn't lose. Amanda accepted his challenge as she was fed up with his pestering.

The lawyer asked the first question: “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word Amanda handed him $5.  Then she asked her first question:  ”What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer was puzzled.  He spent several hours looking up everything he could on his laptop and placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.  Finally, angry and frustrated,  he gave up and paid Amanda $50.00

Amanda put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, Amanda handed him $5.  ;D

That was the best joke in this topic - the one that made me laugh for 5 mins flat

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 19:58:50
That one I read in National Geographic Magazine:
A pack of dogs attacks a crocodile in Florida.

The nature sometimes seems to be cruel, but there is also sheer beauty in this cruelty, and sometimes ther's justice in cruelty.

The crocodile, one of the meanest killing machine, can still be the victim of teamwork and mentality of special breeded dogs.

Have a look at this picture from Nature Magazine.

Have special attention for the Alfa Dog, her jaws around the croc's jaw to disable the croc's breathing. Another dog snatches the croc's tail so it can't attack the dogs with it.

Meanwhile the third of the pack goes for the croc's soft underbelly.

Caution: Not for those with a sensitive mind and/or stomage.

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Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 20:03:43
Have you guys noticed that this topic is called JOKE OF THE DAY but we are getting 10 jokes a day?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 20:08:04
Have you guys noticed that this topic is called JOKE OF THE DAY but we are getting 10 jokes a day?
Is this a joke  ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 21:18:18
Yummie, Yummie, in my Tummy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 07, 2009, 21:19:16
Is this a joke  ???

no
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2009, 22:18:11
Jokes, please, Gentleman. No idle chatter, if you would be so kind.
Thanks in advance.
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 11:54:47
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"



I didnt get it at first (well I did, it wasnt really funny) but read it again, its hilarious!



A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 08, 2009, 13:22:47
ROFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 14:14:44
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”




A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 14:20:08
Sorry for double post, I have more!

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

I think this one is already in the topic somehwere:
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland, when one of the blondes read the sign, "Disneyland left".
So they went home...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 08, 2009, 14:36:49
While we in the blonde section:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on February 08, 2009, 15:11:15
This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink.

She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responds

"I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."

did you hear...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

When she heard that 80% of theft happened at home, she moved

She called me to get my telephone number

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 00:09:08
They really try, but don't always succeed  ;D ;D
Have a look, and see for yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HauhwBz4d-M
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on February 09, 2009, 03:37:16
sorry that this ain't a joke but it's poem i thought of this morning :laugh:

down at the docks its all going swell
and at the few dings of a bell
a ship was getting ready to set sail
if a person tried to steal a ship
they will definitly go to jail
and stealing a vessels ain't so hip.

on a sea trip is the best thing ever
i wish i could stay forever! ;D
but sadly were docking in two days :(
and that be the first of may
and this whole three month tour 
only seem to last an hour!

so i hope you like it ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 17:12:01
Blonde? Who's blonde on this picture?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 09, 2009, 19:00:22
hahaha, know we know why  ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 20:55:25
Big isn't always better.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 09, 2009, 20:57:26
That only shows how the SUV's became the hero of the day, saved that little car's life
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on February 09, 2009, 21:44:44
i bet it was a blondie that did put up the camera ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 22:05:16
Come on, Why didn't you brought the routeplanner with you?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 09, 2009, 22:08:14
I hope 'yo mama' jokes are allowed here. ;D Hows this?: Yo mama is SO dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch. :laugh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 22:10:07
They really try, but don't always succeed  ;D ;D
Have a look, and see for yourself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HauhwBz4d-M
And in addition to this movie:
See attachment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 09, 2009, 22:46:40
One for those of you that like cats, I reckon...  ;D

And some new species of dangerous animals...  :P

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 09, 2009, 22:50:35
One for those of you that like cats, I reckon...  ;D

And some new species of dangerous animals...  :P


Awww....they are so...deadly. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 09, 2009, 22:56:53
This is an endangeroud Animal.
BTW, If somebody wonders what it takes to keep Mad_Fred silent: Her's the answer, right at the end of this clip ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yvHWyvexZA
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 09, 2009, 23:17:23
Hahaha..

That is my very favorite Muppet sketch right there, Aad!

Seen it a million times, and it's still funny.. Brilliant performance by Miss Moreno too, for sure.  ;D

Thanks!  ;)

Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on February 11, 2009, 04:16:36
This is an endangeroud Animal.
BTW, If somebody wonders what it takes to keep Mad_Fred silent: Her's the answer, right at the end of this clip ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yvHWyvexZA
yep that is sure mad fred during his free time on his nifty drums ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on February 11, 2009, 04:29:35
Those drums are probably retractable on his unicycle.

I'd imagine somewhere next to the coffee maker and the broken money machine, opposite the engines ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 11, 2009, 18:17:58
"Glad to be a man" Flowchart
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 11, 2009, 21:09:34
I got this one from a Canadian friend:
New Seat Belt Law -  Effective February 1, 2009


The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive  testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below....... (Click to enlarge/animate)

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MAY  SAVE A LIFE!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 11, 2009, 21:14:46
THIS MAY  SAVE A LIFE![/center]


(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v200/DFS_MadFred/animated%20smileys/cryingwithlaughter.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 11, 2009, 22:47:41
lol, that's what I call top security :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on February 11, 2009, 23:30:09
lol, that's what I call top security :D

thats what i'm thinking! :P ;D :D ;) :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 12, 2009, 21:49:37
I got this one from a Canadian friend:
New Seat Belt Law -  Effective February 1, 2009


The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive  testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below....... (Click to enlarge/animate)

This is very Important, please pass on to friends and family.

THIS MAY  SAVE A LIFE!


Sounds like something my grandfather would do! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 12, 2009, 23:47:46
Traffic Violation or not?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 13, 2009, 00:59:41
Traffic Violation or not?
Both. Nice one Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 13, 2009, 03:50:46
yeah lol :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 13, 2009, 18:40:29
Some sign's then?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 15, 2009, 17:58:33
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my Mother-in-law up.
 As I stood there and watched, her neighbour, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?"
I replied, "No. Six of them ought to be enough".

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 15, 2009, 18:30:51
There was a couple celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. Finally, after the last guests left the party, that happely married couple get to the bedroom. He went straight to the bathroom to brush hes teeth. She switched on the lights and then screamed out in fear.
Hubby rushed out of the bathroom only to see that there was a gorgeous young woman sitting on their bed. "Who are You?", he asked, after comforting his wife.
That gorgeous thing answered: "Well, don't be afraid, I'm a good fairy. And because You two good people where so faithful to each other the last 25 years, I'll grant you each one wish. But be carefull what You wish fore! Once wished, I have to forfill it and can't undo it. After all, I'm not a computerprogram." ;)
The woman, not beeing scared any more got the first chance:
"I wish we had enough money to spend a wonderfull second honeymoon on a tropical Island" se said. :-* One sweep of the Fairy's wand later, there was a briefcase filled with a large amount of money on the couples bed, and, beside of that, a couple of 1rst class airline tickets to Hawai. :)
The husband had to think just a little, and then he said to his wife: "Honey, as much as I love You, but that's a once in a lifetime chance. So please, don't be mad at me. My wish is that I had a wife, 30 years younger than me." Before the fairy could sweep her wand, the mans wife said: 'I'll forgive You, honey. :-*" And to the fairy she said: "Go ahead, it's his wish, and it should be forfilled"
One big sweep of the wand, a giggle from the fairy :evil:, and their he sat on his bed, long beard, grey hair and yes, 30 years older as he was prior to his wish.
The moral of this story:
A man can be hard as a rock, but a fairy is a woman too. :angel: 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Thruster on February 16, 2009, 17:17:45
Found out I posted something that was already here. Sorry... :-[ ::)


Thruster

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 16, 2009, 21:19:45
Are You a good driver? Yes or No

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFvOFqnZU_E
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Drakko on February 17, 2009, 00:03:39
here is my joke: there was a dad and his son, the dad was reading the newspaper and then the son go to talk with his father :
dad.-he said
what?-
when i grow up i want to be like you-the son replies
why?
`cause i want to have a son like me :) ;) :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 17, 2009, 00:13:49
HAHA! Serves him right!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bbydino05 on February 17, 2009, 00:56:49
lol

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 17, 2009, 10:20:40
When you're in your car, a simple rule - be polite to pedestrians (especially to old people):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toNEQ3Dmp-4&NR=1

Hmmmm...I think thats a set up...But if its real, that IS Funny :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 17, 2009, 19:55:23
For all You people who are good at mathematics: Try to solve the attached file, but please, don't cheat by using a calculator.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 17, 2009, 20:11:48
I didn't get it. I though the result would be somehow that number which was imagined...  :P
I'm sure You're pulling my leg. In fact, both of them
ROFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 17, 2009, 20:27:04
Haha good one, you got me on that one :lol: ;D

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 18, 2009, 00:13:40
John comes home from school with a smile on his face from one ear to the other.
"What are you so happy about?" his father askes.
"Well" replies John, "I must write 500 times : ' I am a stupid Donkey' on a sheet of paper."
"What's so funny about that?"
"Well, Dad, YOU have to sign it."

<edit
typo
end edit>
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Packack on February 18, 2009, 05:21:18
Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Have alook at this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
The german Coastguard was NOT amused ;D
Regards
Aad

rofl rofl rofl "what are you singing about?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on February 18, 2009, 05:23:43
"Zinking"   ->  "Thinking"   ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Packack on February 18, 2009, 05:33:44
i would think so, doesn't have anything to do with ship sim. i've got my own little story/joke

An old pirate ship is out and the first mate sees a ship and tell the captain, "enemy ship on the horizon" the captain says "ok, bring me my red shirt" so first mate gets the red shirt and they have the battle and no one dies on that ship. Soon after the first mate asks "captain, why did you want a red shirt" captain says "well if i got shot the crew would not notice and they'd keep fighting" 1st mate says "oh thats very brave sir." Next day the first mate says "20 enemy ships on the horizon" captain says "bring me my brown pants"  :D

I don't get it and the german coast guard im pretty sure it's singing listen closley...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 18, 2009, 17:27:04
When You don't get it the first time, it's not funny enough for You to try to make it more understandable.
Anyhow, about language conflicts.
How about this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBcwcejNrY0
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 18, 2009, 19:01:35
haha love it :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 18, 2009, 23:14:18
This is really hilarious !!
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6-Year-old was asked where his Grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the Airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the Airport..''

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 18, 2009, 23:34:30
As a soon-to-be Granddad, I roared with laughter. Especially at the last one!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 20, 2009, 22:31:11
So the schoolmistress in the girls class askes: "Tell me, Jane, what is Your favorite Job To Be?"
Jane answered: I like to be or an Airline Stewardess, or a Mannequin."
"But", replied the schoolmistress, "what if You're to ugly to be one or the other?"
"I always can be a schoolmistress then!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 21, 2009, 16:39:52
I've deleted the joke posted by Nathanael and also Firestar's comment that quoted it.

"Suitable for seven year olds" is the rule here. Abbreviating vulgar swear words does not make them any more acceptable.  >:(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 21, 2009, 16:41:04
I went to buy some camouflage uniforms the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 21, 2009, 16:45:31
I went to buy some camouflage uniforms the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Was it by any chance a shop located in the woods?! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 21, 2009, 17:16:23
So John met Harry after a long time, no see. And Harry was wearing the most elegant shoes John ever saw in his life.
"What kind of shoes are You wearing, old chap?" John asked. "Well, that are crocodile shoes". Harry replied.
So, John took the first plane direction dark Africa 'cause he fancy'd that kind of shoes very much.
Three days later Harry recieved a very disturbing telegram from Africa, telling him that his friend John was hospitalized after having a struggle with a crocodile. Well, being his friend, Harry went to Africa a.s.a.p. to visit John. And their he was lying in that white bed between white sheets completely wrapped in white bandages. And all that in dark Africa, could You imagine that?
"What happened to You, chap?" Harry asked. "Well", John could only mumble a bit, "I arrived here the other day and went straight off to that lake where some croc's where spotted. And there it was. A very big one. I thought that would be exact the one I neede. I took a shot, But I missed. A second shot missed also, and then the rifle jammed. So, I was'nt gone to Africa to return empty handed, I jumped into the pool with only my hunting knife. The first thing the croc' did was to sweep the knife right out of my hand with his massive tail. So, I took the croc' in a wrestling hold, and after hours of struggling I finally was able to pull it ashore. And what do You think? The croc' wasn't wearing any shoes at all.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on February 21, 2009, 17:21:03
Nice one, Aad  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on February 22, 2009, 01:31:59
lol, that guy should look at the feets before trying to take the shoes
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 22, 2009, 15:29:10
That one is not a joke of the day, but more a thought for the day.
Or isn't it a joke after all?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 22, 2009, 17:57:04
  ;D Funny, indeed!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 22, 2009, 18:35:54
TEACHER: What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !




From my collection of jokes for under 7 years old, I have over 4000 of them!!!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 22, 2009, 18:47:00
About English language. Why is the word for something you would to say in a short way so long. I'm reffering to abbreviation  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Person264 on February 22, 2009, 18:54:22
And why is dyslexia so hard to spell?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 22, 2009, 20:30:55
Lysdexia rules, KO?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Nathanael on February 22, 2009, 21:02:46
Hi there guys,

I apologise for the rude word that I have just said. I heard it on a program on tv, and personally i found it funny. Sometimes I realise I have a different sense of humor than other people.

Once again, sorry.

Cheers
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 23, 2009, 18:01:19
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 23, 2009, 18:07:39
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

Jack :lol:
Nice one Jack. :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 23, 2009, 18:08:08
lol. good one. :D :D :D :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 23, 2009, 18:09:59
What do you call a woman with a sheep on her head ?
Baa-Baa-Ra !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 23, 2009, 18:22:52
Due to the Credit-Crisis I took all my money from the Bank.
I'll sleep much better now.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 23, 2009, 18:23:55
LOL

Here is one for TerryRussell

What do you call a man who wears tissue paper trousers ?
Russell !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on February 23, 2009, 18:28:47
Due to the Credit-Crisis I took all my money from the Bank.
I'll sleep much better now.
Hehe!! Dont let your wife get a hold of that! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 23, 2009, 18:29:32
Why did the man with a pony tail go to see his doctor ?
He was a little hoarse !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 24, 2009, 00:01:11
From the Daily Mail, Monday 23 Feb 2009
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 24, 2009, 08:41:18
Hahaha :lol: I saw that somewhere a few days ago :lol:

Another Joke:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe. Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, pricked himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 24, 2009, 10:23:43
Ahoy Jack,
Please have a look:
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136802.html#msg136802
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 24, 2009, 12:52:01
Ahoy Jack,
Please have a look:
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136802.html#msg136802
Regards
Aad

Thought I had seen it before!!

New one:

Su Wong married Lee Wong ~ The following year the Wong’s have a baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says ~

 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?




Sum Ting Wong


Click on photo

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 24, 2009, 20:21:43
Ahoy Jack,
Please have a look:
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136802.html#msg136802
Regards
Aad

Oppps, sorry Aad, only started posting here again, forgot I had posted that before!

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 24, 2009, 20:43:45
Searched the forum and couldn't find this joke hehe :lol:

The Englishman had a big dog and The Irishman and The Scotsman asked him what breed it was.
'It's a cross between a Scotsman, an Irishman and an ape,' said The Englishman. ' In that case,' said The Irishman, 'it's related to all three of us.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 25, 2009, 17:04:10
A man takes the ferry home from work

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on February 25, 2009, 20:32:23
Ten ways to tell if you are a computer geek:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 27, 2009, 14:03:45
It's 10 past 9 am, and the secretary is still absent, so the boss decides to call him at his home.
A little girls voice answers him.
"Can I speak to Your daddy?"he asks.
"No" replies the girl, "You can not, because he is busy"
"Can I talk to your mum?"
"No, she is busy too."
"Well, is there any other adult around?"
"Yes, a policeman"
"Can I talk to him?"
"No, because he is speaking with a firefighter" replies the little girl. At the same time a lot of noise is hearable trough the phone.
"What is that noise?" He asks.
"Oh, that's a chopper from the FBI," answers the girl.
"Well, what are all this people and the FBI chopper doing at your home?"
"Well, I was playing hide and seek with my baby brother," the little girl whisperes: "and now they are all searching for me"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:29:50
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening.
'Will you lend me £10?' The Scotsman shouted to The Irishman.
'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said The Irishman, 'I can't hear a word you're saying with all The noise in here.'
'Will you lend me £10?' screamed The Scotsman at The top of his voice.
'It's no use,' said The Irishman, 'I still cannot hear a word you're saying.'
'Look,' said The Englishman,' standing beside them, 'I can hear him quite clearly.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "you lend him the £10.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:38:45
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Mike :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:40:48
The Englishman and The Scotsman were abroad so they phoned Interpol and sent a gorgeous parrot to their friend The Irishman.

When they arrived home however, The Irishman opened The oven and produced The parrot well and truly roasted saying, 'Let's have some lovely roast duck for dinner.'
That isn't a duck you fool!,' they said to him. 'It's a parrot and it could speak seven different languages.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "why didn't it say something before I put it in The oven?'

Jack :lol:
p.s. Nice one Mike ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:41:45
Nice on Jack:


A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:44:26
Hahaha :lol:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell.
The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace, and The Scotsman was put in beside him burning away.

The Irishman wound up in a big bedroom with a beautiful blonde film star in his arms. 'That's not fair!,' said The Englishman and The Scotsman, 'rewarding him like that.' That's not The Irishman's reward,' said The Devil, 'that's her punishment.' :evil:

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:45:21
ROTFLOL

When Jock  moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained  Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all


Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 18:55:37
Nice one Mike hahaha :D :lol: (we should call this the Mike and Jack joke of the day topic haha :lol:)

The Brick Wall Trick

The Irishman played The following trick on The Englishman. He put his hand up against a brick wall and said, 'Now punch my hand as hard as you like.' When The Englishman attempted to do so, The Irishman pulled his hand away and so The Englishman banged his fist against The wall. After a good laugh all round, The Englishman went away to try out The trick on The Scotsman.
'We really would need a brick wall to do this trick properly,' he told him, 'but there doesn't seem to be one around. Never mind, I'll put my hand in front of my face.'

Jack :lol:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2009, 18:56:53
Someon ewill interupt soon Jack!!

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 27, 2009, 19:00:22
Hahahaha Best one yet! :lol:

The new mercedes

The Cassidy twins had bought a secondhand Mercedes car and were taking Joe O'Driscoll for a spin. As they sped down O'Connell Street, Joe said from the back seat:

'I say, boys, what's that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?'

Pat Cassidy, realising he meant the Mercedes logo, decided to have some sport.

'Oh that,' he said, 'that's a target isn't it, Finbar?' 'Oh yes,' said Finbar, 'and a great target it is too!' Target?' said O'Driscoll. Target for what?'

'Well,' replied Finbar. 'It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!'

'Never!' spluttered O'Driscoll. True,' said Pat Cassidy. 'Just wait a tick and I'll show you.'

Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Pat drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.

'See what I mean?' he grinned. 'Good, eh?' 'No good at all,' said O'Driscoll. 'Sure if I hadn't opened the back door we wouldn't have hit him at all!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on February 27, 2009, 19:04:18
hahaha can't stop laughing! :lol: :lol: very nice jokes  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 00:27:27
One to finsh the day, even if Jack is not around now:


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 28, 2009, 09:08:59
Hahaha, Good one Mike :lol: :D :lol:

Telegraph Poles

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a vacancy with The phone company so The foreman said I'll give you all a trial day to see how many telegraph poles you can lay in that time.' At The end of The day The Englishman had done twenty-seven poles and The Scotsman had laid twenty-four.
'How many did you manage?' The foreman asked The Irishman.
'Five,' answered The Irishman.
'Well,' said The foreman, 'your friends managed over fifty between them.'
'Yes,' said The Irishman, 'but look how much they left sticking out of The ground.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 11:01:43
Hehehehehehe:


Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.

Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.

As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.

The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket.

They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other.

Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!"

When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 28, 2009, 11:51:43
HAHAHHAHAHA! :lol: Thats a cracker that one :lol:

Will post a joke in a second hehe.

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 11:59:43
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled  Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 28, 2009, 12:12:36
da dun chhhhh! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 12:13:25
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMS Gigantic on February 28, 2009, 13:20:58
AHHHHHH HAHAHAHA ;D :lol: ;D :lol: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on February 28, 2009, 16:38:43
im going to lol....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 16:49:15
A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 01, 2009, 00:21:15
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."


That was posted before!

But I read one version with an extension:
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
Then the genie says, "I'm sorry, but hanvn't you had your wish already?"
"No," replies the Scot
The Genie says, "You did, you wished me to answer questions about the wall"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on March 01, 2009, 00:54:43
hey guys check this out
*************
(i'm really sorry if this also disturbs you(and the swearing) but the first time i saw this(which was actually last night shown by my best friend) i laughed really hard)

Edited by Terry; Not acceptable. "Suitable for seven year olds" is the very definite rule here.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 01, 2009, 10:58:01
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 01, 2009, 14:36:35
Who is a better friend to you? Your dog or your spouse?
Here is a test to find out.
1) Put your dog and your spouse together in the trunk of your car.
2) Close the trunk
3) One hour later open the trunk
Who show his/her happiness most to you? Thats your real best friend!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 01, 2009, 16:55:51
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 01, 2009, 18:16:01
Ha ha lol! :lol: except I've heard a very simular joke on a famous british sitcom....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 01, 2009, 23:53:03
No comment from my side  ;D
Hehe...there was perfectly good room next to the throttle!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 02, 2009, 11:09:54
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 03, 2009, 16:12:19
I want to marry this girl

Dai, who had just turned 20, one day informed his father that he wanted to marry Mari the girl next door.
"I'm sorry, boyo," said his father, "but you can't marry her, you see as it happens she's your sister."
Dai was downcast but within a week he came back to see his father again.
"Dad", he said, "I've made up my mind to marry Morfydd."
"Isn't that the girl behind the counter in Morgan's dairy?" asked his father . . . and it turned out she was his sister too.
Gradually one after another the girls of the village were excluded from matrimonial alliance with Dai on the grounds of consanguinity until none was left.
One evening after the last girl had fallen under his father's interdict Dai was sitting in the front room looking sadly at the grate.
"What's wrong with you, Dai?" asked his mother, "girl trouble is it?"
"Yes, Mam," Dai replied, "every time I want to marry a girl, father makes out she's my sister."
"Oh, don't listen to that old fool", said his mother, "he's no relation of yours anyway."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 03, 2009, 17:18:29
Ha Ha lol just lol! :lol: :D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 03, 2009, 21:20:51
Why do some men prefer guns to women?

1) You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22. No messy divorce.

2) You can get a silencer for a gun.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 03, 2009, 21:23:36
Watch your weight, the doc told that madam. Now she can't find the scale.
BTW, love your new atavar, Terry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 03, 2009, 22:43:20
This blonde,brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says"meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells"who's out there? The brunette says"meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP."Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 03, 2009, 22:48:49
One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake.
She spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.
She cupped her hands together and shouted "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 04, 2009, 10:33:22
WALKING THE DOG
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost a n hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'



 

The blind lady said, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'



 

 

 


Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 04, 2009, 20:12:53
Q. How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

A. A Buccaneer
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 04, 2009, 20:48:42
Terry's new kind of Transportation  ;D
(Yes, I know it's off Topic, just couldn't resist)  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 04, 2009, 21:00:48
I know, I asked for it, but now, please back to topic, that's J O K E S
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ncena1 on March 04, 2009, 21:35:25
nice one there  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 05, 2009, 10:39:20
A Russian spy in Wales

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today."

Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?"

"I am."

"The tulips are blooming well today."

Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.

"Ah, you must have come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-spy you want."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on March 05, 2009, 10:44:36
(http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/breakhellglass.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 05, 2009, 15:01:17
Counter-measure (if I could find the key)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 05, 2009, 17:32:57
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 05, 2009, 19:25:24
 :D good one.. :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 05, 2009, 20:33:53
So we're on the dog section now? OK, her's another one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 05, 2009, 23:46:13
Is it me or we had both those already? Or maybe they were in some other posts. Maybe there are only so many jokes in the worlkd and we've used them all. I hope not!

Still very funny, though.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 05, 2009, 23:49:02
Tery

You were right as usual! Aad posted it in January so I have removed it!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 10:47:06
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A  hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says  the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be  $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says  the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big bottom and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on March 06, 2009, 11:12:50
A blonde went to the movies and when she was walking in it said under 17 not permitted, so she went home and got 16 of her friends.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 06, 2009, 11:38:37
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked: "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?".
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?".
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could find on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted: "What is the answer to your question?".
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 13:48:23
LOL

A cabbie picks up a Nun ~~
 



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 18:19:19
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 06, 2009, 22:12:11
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked: "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?".
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?".
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could find on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted: "What is the answer to your question?".
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5...


all ready had that one - by Terry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Shipaddict on March 06, 2009, 22:19:38
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.


Haha, that was excellent, thanks for sharing that :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 22:26:07
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 06, 2009, 23:31:36
Not enough parachutes

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash.
To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket.
The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out.
Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman.
The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully.
'But what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism.
'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2009, 10:54:13
Old one
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2009, 17:55:34
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2009, 18:23:59


A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 07, 2009, 22:17:30
If you're a doctor, and an elderly patient visits you, be aware that his hearing is not as it was. So please articulate your request's to that patient as clear as possible.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 08, 2009, 01:05:55
A last one for this night:
When you don't have the right equippment, better don't play soccer. Special NOT in the StoneAge. :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on March 08, 2009, 06:58:12
HaHaHa.
Funny. And cavemen thought they had the "Upper Score."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 08, 2009, 10:55:26
What kind of ears does an engine have? 





Engineers
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 08, 2009, 16:22:33
Not really a joke, but more a  necessity
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 08, 2009, 17:49:34
[/s]

Not jock about woman on marsh 8th  the Internationale womans day :police: do show some respect to over sisters on this day pleas,  ;)even they are blond, dark or read headed
Tanks
TJK

Tore

He posted that on March 6th..................

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on March 08, 2009, 19:07:58
And today is the 8th, daylight savings time. Here is another joke. The United States is large of the thing in it. But one thing we don't know is whats out side of it........ A Pig. Florida is the front legs, Baja California is the back, New England is the head and neck, and Washington state is the tail.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 09, 2009, 13:30:18
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.

He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jim.smith on March 09, 2009, 20:08:34
I went to the pet shop to get my wife a blind dog,the pet shop owner remarked surely sir you mean a guide dog.No I replied if it sees her it will go for her throat :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 10, 2009, 00:19:59
Avoid stress. It's good for your health.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 10, 2009, 13:50:16
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say

"Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said,  "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .that phrase . .

in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."


The next day,  she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
 

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
 

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
 

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
 

There was stunned silence.
 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:
 

"Put the beads away, Frank.

 

Our prayers have been answered!"

 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 10, 2009, 14:30:05
Unos tíos están subidos a un árbol cuando les ve un policía.
- Pero, bueno, ¿ustedes qué hacen ahí? Venga hombres, bajen. ¡No sea que se caigan y se rompan algo!
Y cuando llegan al suelo...
- A ver, ¿ustedes quiénes son?
-¡Pucha, qué memoria! ¡Los del árbol!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jim.smith on March 10, 2009, 14:45:01
Where do you get them from Mike ;D :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 10, 2009, 14:45:48
Great eh!!

Now Japanese jokes!!

A: 昨日鎌倉でおしゃれなBambooの箸を売ってる店があったよ~
B: へ~~それで?何か買った?
A:なんにも~Bambooの箸は5000円もするんだ!これタケ~~~なと思った!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 10, 2009, 14:56:19
Drive safely
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on March 10, 2009, 18:57:34
The only thing to say is, well, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.(http://72.233.110.162/images/smilies/rofl.gif) (http://forums.electronicarts.co.uk/images/smilies/smilie_biglaugh.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on March 10, 2009, 20:43:26
Is this what its coming to? :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 10, 2009, 21:21:44
unfortunatly jack it has come to that :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 11, 2009, 11:53:07
Time for a Russian joke!!

The passenger cabin of an aircraft. A voice announces over the intercom:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, we welcome you on board the world's first fully automated intercontinental airliner which was built by Soviet aeronautical engineers.

'We will be flying at ten thousand metres with a cruising speed of five thousand kilometres an hour.

There are no pilots on board the aircraft and no service personnel.

It is entirely controlled by electronics.

All the instruments are working normally . . . working normally . . . working normally . . . working normally . . .'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 11, 2009, 21:29:38
Do you know the difference between Courage and Swank?

Courage: You come drunk home in the middle of the night, your wife awaits you with a broom, and you ask her: "Are you still cleaning up or are you planning for a late flight?"  :evil:



Swank: You come home drunk in the middle of the night, surrounded by a cloud of perfume, lipstick all over your shirt. You pat your wifes bottom and say: "So, honey, you're next".  :evil: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 12, 2009, 00:04:26
Trying to Surrender


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An American spy is dropped by parachute on to Soviet territory. He immediately decides to give himself up. He makes it to a town, finds the appropriate organization and goes up to the doorman:

'Listen, friend, I'm an American spy and I want to give myself up. Who should I see?'

'Second Floor, Room 218,' replies the doorman.

The spy gets to Room 218.

'I'm an American spy. I want to give myself up.'

'What's your area, sabotage, terrorism or ideology?'

'Sabotage,' replies the spy.

'Then you've come to the wrong place. Go to Room 613 on the sixth floor.'

The spy gets to Room 613.

I'm an American spy specializing in sabotage. I want to give myself up.'

'Did you specialize in transport or industrial targets?'

Transport,' replies the spy.

'Well that's the seventh floor, Room 742.'

The spy gets to Room 742.

'I'm an American spy specializing in the sabotage of transport. I wish to give myself up.'

'What kind of transport, road or railway?'

'Railway,' replies the spy.

'Then you've come to the wrong place. Room 936, ninth floor.'

The spy gets to Room 936.

'I'm an American spy specializing in the sabotage of rail transport. I wish to give myself up.'

'Look here, Comrade, don't you see that it's six o'clock? We've finished interviewing for today. Come back tomorrow . . .'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 12, 2009, 17:21:34
Courageous Sailors  


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The war was over! The allied armies were celebrating! The admiral of the American fleet invited on board the Russian and English admirals. After the banquet they began talking about courage.

'Our sailors are afraid of nothing,' said the American admiral, 'they are prepared to go through fire and water.'

They decided to put this to the test. The American admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive into the sea.'

The sailor reddened with rage, but saluted, climbed up the mast and jumped. They dragged him out of the water barely alive.

'Fantastic!' said the Soviet admiral. 'Gentlemen, I insist that tomorrow you be my guests at dinner.'

The next day the same company gathered on board a Soviet ship. After the banquet the Soviet admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive headfirst on to the deck.'

The sailor turned pale, saluted, climbed the mast and flung himself on to the deck. There was nothing left of him.

'Well, gentlemen,' said the English admiral, 'it must be my turn now. I invite you to dine on board my ship tomorrow.'

After the banquet the English admiral summoned a sailor and said: 'Would you mind awfully shinnying up that forty-metre mast and diving down the funnel.'

The sailor turned green with fury.

'Yes I would, sir, and get lost, sir!'

"The English admiral shrugged his shoulders and turned to his colleagues: 'You see, gentlemen, there is more than one kind of courage.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 15:10:50
Fitness programme for Senior Citiziens

If you're above 50, you better start easy.
Do it faster every time as your experience growth.
For some people it could be to heavy, so to be safe council your dokter first.

NOW SCROLL DOWN  ...




























































NOW SCROLL UP AGAIN..

Oké, that's enough for today.

Reward yourself with a beer or a wine.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 13, 2009, 17:13:57
LOL!!

Another Russian one:

Potato Duty
_____________________________________________________________________________
Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.

In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.

Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 17:31:11
There was that Dutch girl, planning to make a car-trip through Great Brittain. The guy at the travel agency: "Pay attention to the British traffic, be aware that you have to drive on the LEFT side of the road".
A few weks later the girl retuns to the agency complete with crutches, plastered leg etc. "I want to cancel that car trip" she said.
"And what's the reason?" the agent asks.
"Well," said the girl, "it's about that LEFT side driving. I practiced it here in Amsterdam, and I don't like it at all!"

(Image looks disturbed, just click)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 13, 2009, 17:33:21
HeHe

Now an Italian one:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 17:57:35
LSHTTARDML
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 13, 2009, 17:58:37
Que?

Googled it!!

Stands for

Laughing So Hard The Tears Are Running Down My Leg
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 13, 2009, 18:53:01
A police patrol  :police: spots a car, 11:30 pm. On the front seat sits a young man, reading a comic-book. On the back seat ther's a young girl, knitting if her life depends on it.
"What are you guys doing?" is the first question of the policeman. "Well," says the boy, "I'm reading a comic-book. Is there a law against that?" "And what is she doing?" is the next question. "As far as I can tell, she's knitting a sweater", replies the boy. Still not satisfied: "And how old are you, young man?" "I'm 22 years old." "OK, and what is the age of the young lady?" "She will become 18 in about 26 minutes!"  :evil: 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on March 14, 2009, 04:19:07
Now that is just funny! the girl in back was like a senior lady who justs knits like she will die soon. but she is 17 to 18 years old! ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 14, 2009, 10:56:27
LSHTTARDML
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 14, 2009, 11:10:34
You remember Popeye the sailorman? (if not see pic 1)
And guess what? I found a picture of his mum  ;D (pic 2)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 14, 2009, 17:34:42
A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 14, 2009, 23:54:37
Manual for woman to understand man:

"For a good relationship it's sometimes expedient to understand what we think, how we think and how we function. You can take this serious, or you don't.

This lines came from a woman.

Here is the manual: "WE MAN EXPLAIN IT ONE MORE TIME"

"Be a big girl and understand the operation of a toilet seat (the open part that is). If it's up, just put it down. For us it must be up, for you it must be down. We have as many rights as you to state that "it was in the wrong position, again". Let's stop argue about that.
 
Your birthday, weddingday, mothersday must not be an endless queste to find that one, ideal gift for you.
Sometimes we just forget about it. Learn to handle it!

Soccer, pool and what other sport there may be on TV is always more important than any soap.

Cut your hair? Don't. Ever. Long hair is always prettier than short hair. Man are afraid for marriage because married woman start cutting their hair at once and we have to look at that short rathead for the rest of our married life.

Shopping isn't a nice pastime, and that's final.

To cry is and always will be blackmail.

Speak up your mind. Let's be very clear about that. Casual hints don't work, obvious hints don't work, crystalclear hints don't work. Silent hints we don't understand. Just tell us what you want.

A guy has three pair of shoes. TOP. How can you think that we are any help to you to find just THAT pair of your thirty pairs that fit with just that one dress.

Yes and No are perect answers to almost any question.

Share your problems with us only when you search for a solution. That's how we are, we fix problems.

For symphatie you have your girlfriends.

What we said six month ago is not valid in todays discussion. Even worse: every statement a week old or older is void in every meaning of the word.

Yes, you have your household on the rails, everything is spic and span. This statement is valid for the next twenty years. Don't ask about it anymore. We just don't see it.

Don't nag about weightwatching if you can't stop stuff yourself. If you thing you're fat, you're probable are. Don't ask us about our opinion about it. In the future we refuse any answer to that question.

If a statement can be ment in two different ways and that one way dosn't suite you, than we ment the other possibility.

Let us ogle. We are peekers, if you like it or not. It's in our gens.
 
Ask us to do something for you, or tell us how you want it be done. But understand  that those two things don't match. If you think you know it better than do it yourself. Christopher Colombus didn't need directions, so don't we.
 
Man can see 16 colours only. Try your screenproperties how that looks. Peach is for us man just fruit, we don't have any idea what 'mauve' means, what 'living white' is, and we don't have any idea of the meaning of the word 'Cobalt-blue' .

If we ask if there is something wrong, and you denie it than we know that you, most of the time, lie, but we leave it that way because we don't like the hubbub. If we ask if there's something wrong and you denie than there is nothing wrong. Accept it.

If you ask a question but you will not know the answer, then you can count on it that you get an answer you wouldn't hear.

If we're going out, the outfit you're wearing right now is pefectly allright. Really.

Yes, you HAVE something to wear.

If you ask a question and we don't react it dosn't mean yes. So don't hold us to it. We're just not listening.
 
Yes, we always love beer, like you love handbags.

Woman cause less accidents in traffic. Congratulations. Do we trust you behind the wheel? NO WAY, accept it.

And finally: My belly is round. Round is a shape. So, I'm in shape"
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 15, 2009, 11:10:04
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
- "What is it son."
- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 15, 2009, 12:06:23
ha ha lol! very good!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 15, 2009, 21:50:52
That poor doggie. Must have a deathwish  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 15, 2009, 23:39:04
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 16, 2009, 17:25:35
"Twenty-four! Twenty-four! Twenty-four!"

In da middle of downtown Kalihi next to a manhole is dis guy yellin, "Twenty-four! Twenty four! Twenty four!" den dis curious portagee ask da guy whats he yellin fo. Da guy openz da manhole cover and respondz, "Jump in and check it out!" da portagee climbs into da sewer throo da manhole to check um out. Da guy on da street closes da manhole and stahts shoutin, "Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Twenty-five!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 16, 2009, 19:13:33
He is back in town.
Lent out to the Museum of fine arts in New York, NY the famous statue of Michaelangelo's 'David' is back in Rome, Italy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on March 16, 2009, 19:44:56
lol, good sponsors
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 17, 2009, 19:13:03
(http://dreamschooner.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/flughafen.jpg)

Kindly refrain from playing Solitaire during working hours at the airport! Thanks!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 17, 2009, 20:32:02
Ladys,
If you need someone who hands over the newspaper without ripping out the sportsection first:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who goes crazy with luck everytime he sees you:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who eats everything you serve to him without hearing 'My mum did it better':
Get a dog.
If you want someone who goes out with you no matter how long or how late:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who keeps away from the remote, doesn't care about soccer and watches every soap with you:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who doesn't whine when you come home late and/or drunk:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who has no problem if you got a headache (again):
Get a dog.
If you want someone for whom its enough to sneak beside you, warms your feet and doesn't protest when shoved aside because of his snoring:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who doesn't critisize you and doesn't mind beauty:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who listens to everything you tell him and will love you forever:
Get a dog.
However. If you want someone who comes never home when you call, ignores you when you come home, walks all over you, keeps out all night and comes only home to eat and to sleep and who thinks that the only reason for you being around is to make him happy:
Take a CAT.

And you thought I would say take a man? Shame on you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on March 18, 2009, 08:56:16
Hahaha Thats a good one Aad :lol:

The Englishman, The Irishman, The Scotsman, and The Welshman (making a guest appearance in this joke :lol:) were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save The others.
'I do this for The glory of Scotland,' said The Scotsman and he jumped out.
'We need to lose more weight,' said The captain, so The Welshman shouted ,'I do this for The glory of Wales', and jumped out.
'Sorry,' said The captain, 'I'm afraid we need to lose The weight of just one more person.'
'I do this for The glory of Ireland,' said The Irishman and threw out the Englishman.

Jack ROFL :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 18, 2009, 13:05:54
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 18, 2009, 20:40:33
This announcement: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,13396.msg163740.html#msg163740

did me think about that one (see attachement)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 18, 2009, 20:50:27
Tendjewberrymud
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 18, 2009, 22:02:32
Sounds like the guest could use an Asian-English course.. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 19, 2009, 23:28:48
I think this old geaser has a deathwish too.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on March 21, 2009, 11:44:27
I think this old geaser has a deathwish too.
HAHA. this is a realy good one Aad ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 21, 2009, 12:53:09
Chinese Rabbi

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 21, 2009, 14:23:54
Haha...nice one mike.
Heres a funny one.
(http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/0006/findstuff22/Best%20Images/Funny/FUNNY-FACES1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 21, 2009, 19:09:08
there were 2 english flat mates, one a woman and the other from the North.

the woman needed to get her car fixed, so she asked the northerner

'Can you help fix my car'
'Why would I know how to do that?' he replied
'Well your'e a northerner thats your sort of thing' the woman said
'You know some people are very offended by the stereotypes that you imply on the north' he said
'Ok then, go and nick a car for me!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 21, 2009, 20:58:30
Haha...nice one mike.
Heres a funny one.
(http://i0006.photobucket.com/albums/0006/findstuff22/Best%20Images/Funny/FUNNY-FACES1.jpg)

My word! Hasn't TerryRussell got big teeth.

EDITED BY: ME
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 21, 2009, 21:56:13
Just woke up:..........................
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 22, 2009, 11:47:19
That is surprisingly life-like for a cartoon!  :evil:  ;D  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on March 22, 2009, 11:52:29
That is surprisingly life-like for a cartoon!  :evil:  ;D  ;D  ;D
Hurry up terry having a sale on marmite crisps in asda that will help
wake up  :thumbs:  :angel:
                                                     Eric
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on March 22, 2009, 13:14:20
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did the conversation end there I wonder.... :evil: :lol:

Now thats funny, made my day that! :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 22, 2009, 18:35:25
LSHMHSS
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 19:56:40
Post deleted at the suggestion of the UN
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 19:58:59
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

It used to be the USS Enterprise and a Canadian lighthouse...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Agent|Austin on March 22, 2009, 20:08:49
It used to be the USS Enterprise and a Canadian lighthouse...

Thats what I thought.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 20:19:21
Thats what I thought.

I seem to recall that there was some truth in one of these tales. I know the US/Canadian story pre-dates the British/Irish one.

In any case, the idea that we could put that many ships out at once...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 22, 2009, 20:34:21
B4coffee
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 22:20:47
Gentlemen, please ease up. It's a 'joke' thread, not a political one.
Stuart2007, you know better than double posting. ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg164801.html#msg164801 ) ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg164803.html#msg164803 )

Please explain? I can only see single posts.  :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 00:59:05
How is your life?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 23, 2009, 11:05:01
Blonde Millionaire  


A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 14:34:52
New in Shop
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on March 23, 2009, 18:26:00
Mike and Aad....Both just lol! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 23, 2009, 18:31:02
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator says: 'Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on March 23, 2009, 20:45:10
Blonde Millionaire  


A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live
in clocks."




i posted that before
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 23, 2009, 20:49:06
i posted that before

Great minds think alike!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 21:55:50
No comment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 23, 2009, 22:06:47
Nice one Aad. This isn't really a joke but I just did this and thought it was pretty funny. So, in the 3d modeling program "Blender", there is a test model you can aad called Suzanne and it is a monkey. (Kinda like the components in Google Sketchup) The one on the right is how it normally looks, and on the left, look what I did to it...haha...
(http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm308/HmhsBritannic/Haha.png)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 23, 2009, 23:21:29
Better memorize where the stuff on your (real life) desktop is situated.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 25, 2009, 18:01:17
My buddy is missing
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on March 25, 2009, 19:18:33
My wife thought you might enjoy this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw

I think it's wonderfuly funny, not to mention clever!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 25, 2009, 23:20:05
Now figure this.
Ypou're sitting on the back of a magnificant white stallion, to your right a deep ravine, to your left a big Fire-ngine, trying to overtake you, but can't because it's blocked by a motorcycle. In front of you a giant, pink, flying pig. Behind you a big Apache-Helicopter with blazing machine guns. And NO, you're not dreaming. You pinched yourself twice and it hurts. So, how do you escape that situation?

Think first before scrolling down for the answer.



























































Simple, just ask the operator of the Merry-Go-Round to stop his machine.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on March 26, 2009, 00:37:20
My wife thought you might enjoy this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2FX9rviEhw

I think it's wonderfuly funny, not to mention clever!

wow  :o :o thats amazing!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 26, 2009, 10:13:42
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
>
> The sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
>
> Mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
>
> Says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 26, 2009, 21:05:11
HHMMM, almost like thise one. http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg152186.html#msg152186

This one is new (or is is old, 'cause it's in B&W)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 26, 2009, 21:08:58
  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 26, 2009, 21:13:29
 ;D :lol: ;D
Fish are going modern nowadays, getting piercings etc.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 28, 2009, 15:17:21
So that dude was laying a wooden floor in his home. The oldfashioned way, with a hammer and nails. The nails were all in a large box. So once in a while he throw a nail away. His buddy asked him why. "Well, most of the nails are OK, point down, head up. But some of them are just the other way around, you know. Point up, head down. Useless to nail on the floor."
His buddy said: "You dummy, don't throw them away, you always can use them for the ceiling."

<edit
TYPO
end edit>
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 29, 2009, 15:57:48
There was a small guy sitting in a bar with a pint in front of him, looking rather sad. Then that big guy comes in, slaps him on the back, grabs the pint and swallows it down in one big gulp. The small guy starts wiping..
"Hey, buddy, it's only a pint of beer, why cry?"
"Well, My wife left me this morning, took away all furniture with her and emptied the bank account. My boss told me not to come back. So I decieded to make an end to my life. Guess what, I layed down on the railway track: DETOUR, tried to hang myself, rope broke, tried to shoot myself, the gun jammed. From my last money I bought this pint, added some rat poison to it, and then you drunk it. May I be sad?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 29, 2009, 16:06:54
I have a magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on March 29, 2009, 17:01:25
I have a magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Great one Mike! :lol: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 29, 2009, 17:03:54
Another one for Sunday:

The customs of an Irishman
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 29, 2009, 19:48:06
That's a great one, Mike.
When you let your (analog) photo's processed in a so called "Instant Photoshop" watch out where you go.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on March 29, 2009, 21:35:11
there was a married couple but there dead and both skeletons but still living in a house and the husband is in the bathroom with the door shut and the wife is out side the door and told his skeleton husband "i told you frank that chili burito with extra beans will go right through you"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 29, 2009, 22:42:34
Three vampires go to a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 30, 2009, 11:33:28
Who Needs A Mid-Life Crisis
     
After being married for 37 years, I took a careful look  at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a  cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch  black black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with an awsome, 21-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a  giant plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a  58-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
     
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told  me to go out and find an  awsome, 21-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again  be living in a cheap apartment,  driving a cheap car, sleeping on a  sofa bed and watching a  10-inch black and white TV.
     
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 30, 2009, 12:31:40
Job at the FBI 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
   
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances..

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home..'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.   

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to
beat him to death with the  damn chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on March 30, 2009, 17:38:10
Really like that one captainmike :P haha
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 30, 2009, 17:58:25
Another one:

I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 31, 2009, 16:29:30
Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 01, 2009, 16:21:13
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 01, 2009, 16:31:55
ha ha ha Mike a hat trick of great ones there!  ;D ROTFLMAO!  ;D ;D Love the blonde on a plane one especially! :lol: :D :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 01, 2009, 18:48:51
Have your bath, mum said. Well, this kid did it the fast way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 03, 2009, 12:46:50
Have your bath, mum said. Well, this kid did it the fast way.

hey calvin and hobbes! great! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 03, 2009, 13:26:41
You can't bring that dog in this bar
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 03, 2009, 16:10:32
Whenever he needs to go he has not to worry about the paper.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 03, 2009, 16:40:50
This is an unpublished agreement made at the G20 Conference:


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on April 03, 2009, 17:58:19
thiz 1 made me laf a lot  :thumbs: goodun
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 06, 2009, 16:40:30
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 06, 2009, 17:31:58
Two strange signs
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 06, 2009, 17:40:40
This is great if you can run faster than lava!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 06, 2009, 17:41:58
Or this, if you can swim faster than a Tsunami!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 06, 2009, 18:57:37
Spring is in the Air, an end is coming hatching the eggs, and then..........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 07, 2009, 20:51:45
Nice one Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 07, 2009, 22:25:32
LOL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 09, 2009, 18:42:21
Everything I need to know, I learned from the Easter Bunny...

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. 
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply.....like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.
The grass is greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can cover the wildest hare.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Happy Easter
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 09, 2009, 20:51:35
Awesome Easter joke Aad, you have quite the sense of humor ;)

Happy Easter everyone!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on April 10, 2009, 09:51:01
I think this video will give you some good time and fun
who can forget him Popeye The Sailor Man
that's my Joke of the day, Not good to tell them.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1089152/popeye_the_sailor_man_poopdeck_pappy/
TJK
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 10, 2009, 10:10:10
Easter Joke:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 10, 2009, 10:57:30
ROFL :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 10, 2009, 15:08:27
AHAHA! Nice one Mike! ;D

Im not very good at making up jokes, im just in this topic to see all your great senses of humor ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 10, 2009, 16:15:37
Here's a great one, as long as you know the difference between a rabbit and a hare!!

Saving the Easter Bunny


A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 10, 2009, 16:20:14
HAHAHAHAHA Nice!

You have quite the sense of humour ;;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 10, 2009, 16:40:23
An Irishman walks over to a counter.
He says "Can I have some potatoes please"

She says "You must be Irish?"

The Irishman bangs his fist on the counter in fury, "Just because I asked for some potatoes doesn’t always mean I'm going to be Irish! That’s so Stereotypical!, If I asked for a Pasta, would you automatically think I was Italian???"

"Well...no...." replied the woman

"If I ordered a curry, would you automatically think I were Indian?" Said the Irishman

"Well...No...." replied the woman

"SO why on earth do you think I'm Irish then?" Says the Irishman.

"Sir" Comes the reply..."This is an Estate Agents".

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 10, 2009, 19:34:15
;D Nice
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Trek on April 12, 2009, 06:30:30
An old "what do you get" one

What do you get if you cross Atlantic Ocean with Titanic?




Half way.

My favorite... Over sized ego's never pay off and never will.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 13, 2009, 21:06:29
There was that Sipyard having trouble with a special decksection of the new Superliner they where building. It always ripped on the exact same spot. The one time from port to starboard, the other time vice versa. Everything they tried brought no solution. Making an extra strong weld...No result, welding an extra beam beneath the deck.....No result. The deadline for the launch was coming closer and closer. At last they put an advert in the locol newspaper and offered a big amount of money for the solution.
Then one day that tiny guy came to their office, claiming he had the solution. Drill tiny holes on the line where that deck would break, in fact, perforate it and make the underside waterthight.
Having tried about anything else, they did so, and what do you think: The deck did hold, even under the most extreme conditions.
Everyone was surprised, and, off course, they payed that man. Just before he walked away, one member of the shipyard asked him what gave him that idea about the perforation. Well, he said, you see that small factory there across the river? That's the place where I am responsible for the recycling of FAULTY TOILETPAPER
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 13, 2009, 21:16:27
My mate got caught stealing a calender.


he got twelve months...............
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 13, 2009, 21:29:15
HA! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 13, 2009, 21:30:52
So, as a result of the financial crisis, that old lady stole half a loaf of bread. Off course, SHE was cought and triald. "How many slices of bread where in that half loaf? " asked the judge. "Well, about twelve." the old woman replied. "Then I give you twelve days inprisonment." said the judge. Suddenly an old man stood up, announced himself as the old womans husband and said: "Your Honour, she stole a can of sweet peas too." :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 13, 2009, 21:32:14
h ha ha ha lol Aad!  :D :lol: :D :lol: :evil: :evil: :D :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 14, 2009, 02:13:03
Easter Joke:



nice!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 14, 2009, 17:56:49
 8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 14, 2009, 17:59:47
 :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 14, 2009, 18:20:33
Father Ted :lol:

(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/02/23/article-1153645-03A4D23F000005DC-648_468x586.jpg)

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 14, 2009, 18:26:53
ha ha ha lol! very good.  :D :lol: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 14, 2009, 18:28:24
Paddy, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub's weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Paddy a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.

The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes. Paddy extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted.
Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
'It wasn't that great,' he said. 'I think I'll go back to using paper.'

Jack :lol:
p.s. For those who don't know, Father Ted (Picture Above) is an Irish comedy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on April 14, 2009, 18:44:32
A blonde goes into a doctors office for burns on her ears The doctor asks:
What Happened?
She answered i WAS iRONING AND SOMEONE CALLED.
The Doctor replied: So what does that have to do with the burns on your ears?
She replied: I thought the Iron was the phone so I picked it up and put it to my ear(It Hurt)
The Doctor then says But you have a burn on the other ear too.
She Says: He called back  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on April 14, 2009, 18:45:05
And no offence to blondes in that bit :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 14, 2009, 18:47:49
Haha Nice one Matt :lol:

O'Malley retired from the British Army and got a job as an orderly in Brocton Prison hospital. On his first day he met up with an old school pal from Kilkenny.

'Mick,' said his classmate, 'I want you to keep a severe eye on the feller in bed number three.'

'Why's that?' asked O'Malley.

'Well,' said his chum, 'he's been here a month. Already he's had his tonsils removed, his adenoids removed, and his appendix removed. I'm beginning to suspect he's smuggling himself out bit by bit!'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on April 14, 2009, 19:02:33
 ;DGood one
This is TRUE
My dad is About to pull away a 100FT Aluminum dinner boat from dock a Jetski(apparently) hit him (jetskiers are obvilious of things) one of the captains in thre marina called on the marine radio that people are in the water MV valiant is sinking  when just the jetski was sinking because when he hit the boat the people felloff and when he was climbing on and lifted off the seat(those that arent aware of jetskis the seat is a plug lift the seat you pull the plug) So then all of Jersey City's fire Dept was there coast guard boats everything then the "punchline" The coast guard guy asked my father if he felt the tiny 5 ft long jetski hit the 100 aluminum hulleed dinner boat? My father commented do you think I felt the fly hit my windshield thismorning coming here?
This was not so much  a  joke as stupidity from a coast guard member Again No Offence Intended  but seriousely?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kojax on April 15, 2009, 12:34:40
Try this cheeseburger-bed!

 (http://www.bilder-hochladen.net/files/ac7x-4.jpg) (http://www.bilder-hochladen.net/files/ac7x-4-jpg-nb.html) 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 15, 2009, 12:37:41
hes sure in a pickle ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 15, 2009, 12:53:17
Een Belg besluit te gaan solliciteren bij de NS voor een baan als machinist. Onze vriend wordt aangenomen en mag de trein van Eindhoven naar Amsterdam besturen. De trein is nog geen vijf kilometer ver en komt dan tot stilstand. De hoofdconducteur, op de hoogte van de nationaliteit van de machinist, krijgt er de smoor in. - 'EAARRGH!!! Belgen, heb ik dat weer!!' Hij roept de machinist op, maar die reageert niet. - 'Hij zal toch niet dood...' Ten einde raad loopt de hoofdconducteur over de spoorbaan naar de locomotief. Daar ziet hij de Belg, frunnikend aan de wielen. - 'Man, ben je gek? Waar ben je nu weer mee bezig?' - 'Allez mijnheer, hebt ge dan niet gemerkt dat die trein zo schudde en trilde?' - 'Maar dat is toch normaal voor een trein?' - 'Welnee, ge begrijpt het niet! Kijk naar die wielen, ge rijdt op uw velgen, ALLE banden hebt ge kapot gereden!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 15, 2009, 13:38:37
Ahoy Mike,
Since when did you transformed into a Dutchman?
Kind Regards
Aad
BTW, the joke is great
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 15, 2009, 17:09:02
Ahoy Aad

My wife is Dutch!! Off to see the family around Alkmaar in a couple of weeks!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 15, 2009, 18:42:30
Een Belg besluit te gaan solliciteren bij de NS voor een baan als machinist. Onze vriend wordt aangenomen en mag de trein van Eindhoven naar Amsterdam besturen. De trein is nog geen vijf kilometer ver en komt dan tot stilstand. De hoofdconducteur, op de hoogte van de nationaliteit van de machinist, krijgt er de smoor in. - 'EAARRGH!!! Belgen, heb ik dat weer!!' Hij roept de machinist op, maar die reageert niet. - 'Hij zal toch niet dood...' Ten einde raad loopt de hoofdconducteur over de spoorbaan naar de locomotief. Daar ziet hij de Belg, frunnikend aan de wielen. - 'Man, ben je gek? Waar ben je nu weer mee bezig?' - 'Allez mijnheer, hebt ge dan niet gemerkt dat die trein zo schudde en trilde?' - 'Maar dat is toch normaal voor een trein?' - 'Welnee, ge begrijpt het niet! Kijk naar die wielen, ge rijdt op uw velgen, ALLE banden hebt ge kapot gereden!'

erm, yup ??? something about eindhoven, amsterdam and some kilometers? :lol: im sure its funny all the same ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 15, 2009, 19:26:15
Een Belg besluit te gaan solliciteren bij de NS voor een baan als machinist. Onze vriend wordt aangenomen en mag de trein van Eindhoven naar Amsterdam besturen. De trein is nog geen vijf kilometer ver en komt dan tot stilstand. De hoofdconducteur, op de hoogte van de nationaliteit van de machinist, krijgt er de smoor in. - 'EAARRGH!!! Belgen, heb ik dat weer!!' Hij roept de machinist op, maar die reageert niet. - 'Hij zal toch niet dood...' Ten einde raad loopt de hoofdconducteur over de spoorbaan naar de locomotief. Daar ziet hij de Belg, frunnikend aan de wielen. - 'Man, ben je gek? Waar ben je nu weer mee bezig?' - 'Allez mijnheer, hebt ge dan niet gemerkt dat die trein zo schudde en trilde?' - 'Maar dat is toch normaal voor een trein?' - 'Welnee, ge begrijpt het niet! Kijk naar die wielen, ge rijdt op uw velgen, ALLE banden hebt ge kapot gereden!'
I try to translate this joke:
A Belgian decides to apply for a job as enginedriver at the Dutch Railroads (NS). He is accepted and is allowed to drive the train from Eindhoven to Amsterdam. The train is less than 5 Kilometers on his way when he suddenly grinds to a halt. The conductor, aware of the nationality of the driver, is not amused. "Aarrgghhhhhh, Belgiums, and that on my watch!!." He tries to reach the driver by Intercom, but no reaction. He wouldn't be dead?? At last the conductor walks along the tracks to the engine. Only to find the driver fumbling the wheels.. "Mate, have you lost your marbles? What are you doing?" - The driver: "Well, sir, didn't you fell the train shaking and rumbling?" - The conductor: "Well, don't you think that's normal for a train?" - The driver: "Well, don't you see? The train is rolling on his wheel rims, all tyres are burst!!"
To explain it a bit: In Holland we think about the Belgiums as the British do about the Irish  ;D
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 15, 2009, 19:50:23
Hahaha :lol: Thats a good one, I can see what you mean about the idea of the English and Irish :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 15, 2009, 19:53:55
Some beastial jokes??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gloat on April 16, 2009, 00:43:02
Here is a lolcat
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 16, 2009, 16:35:59
Cornish joke:

Visitor: "How do you do?"
Local: " 'ow be ee?"
Visitor: " It is a beautiful day."
Local: "A spoase it be."
Visitor: "Lovely part of the world, this."
Local: "Ayse."
Visitor: "Have you lived here all your life?"
Local: "Not yet."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 20, 2009, 12:51:09
Now you know that all those endless smilies in comments on videos on Youtube are came from... cats!  ;D

(http://i454.photobucket.com/albums/qq268/1j1j1/gatos052-1.jpg)
that is very good!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 20, 2009, 20:33:39
My cat is roaring with laughter!  ;D  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 20, 2009, 22:17:53
But the dog is the master  ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on April 21, 2009, 03:09:38
New Dog
is the guy suppose to represent anyone?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 21, 2009, 17:18:37
Some beastial jokes??
Haha...that reminds me of when my dog used to come sleeping in my room with me. I started to close the door and sometimes I hear him bang into the door forgetting it was closed. ;D It's like, I am trying to sleep, then all of a sudden...BANG! lol!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 21, 2009, 21:22:13
Excellent!  ;D  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 22, 2009, 02:51:00
Tiger Woods just bought a new yacht from the navy...  ;D
Oh my god! That one had me in tears!!!!! ;D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 22, 2009, 07:44:42
How work in Ireland works:

(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9hxvqpGV-Pg/R3WSUnyA4bI/AAAAAAAAAXg/HHH2OG2iRj4/s400/Bloke%2Bfrom%2BPoland.jpg)

Jack ;D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on April 22, 2009, 07:50:24
LOL A good one Jack :lol: :lol:
BDW it's the same in Norway to  :lol:
Tore
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 22, 2009, 09:59:01
Company staff organisztion schedule in Holland
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 22, 2009, 15:10:36
Anyone here ever heard of the wesbite www.meebo.com? Well, if you have, you know they have pollsthat you can take. Here is an actual one I took. I thought it was very funny.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 26, 2009, 15:25:11
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 26, 2009, 16:46:00
Ahoy Aad

Have you shown the wife that one?!?

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 26, 2009, 23:46:02
Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One turned to other and asked "Does this taste funny to you?"   ;D


I was getting into my car yesterday when a man came up and asked "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure. You look great. The world's your oyster. Go for it!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 27, 2009, 00:05:00
Two clowns were eating a cannibal..They were into recycling..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 27, 2009, 16:39:55
Differences between You and Your Boss:

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 27, 2009, 17:48:51
A clown was standing in a kitchen, holding a can of frozen orange juice, staring at it intently.

His friend saw this and asked why.

The clown answered, "The can says, ‘Concentrate’"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 27, 2009, 18:19:20
Light Bulb Jokes:


Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

Q: How many ‘Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 28, 2009, 22:26:30
It's 4 am, I'm sound asleep, suddenly there is a lot of rumbling on my door, ringing the door bell etc.
So, I open the window and ask what the reason for that all was. So there was a guy standing in front of my door and asked me if I could give him a push. Quite upset I told him to let me sleep, after all, it's in the middle of the night. I close the window, resulting in another knokking and ringing the door bell. I open the window and start shouting that he has to leave me alone. My wife, woken up too, asked me what the reason for all that was. So I told her about that guy, requesting a push. Well, she responded: "Don't you remember when your car broke down and you needed a push?" "But it's raining" I tried to save myself. "No reason to be so unkind." was her response. So, I dressed up, went down, opened the door only to see......Nothing and nobody. "Hey, I thought you needed a push?" "I still do!" "But where are you? I don't see you or your car." "Car? What car? I'm sitting overe here, on the swing."
   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on April 29, 2009, 08:00:36
How many Vstep software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?





None. It's a hardware problem.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on April 29, 2009, 21:04:54
Hahahahahahaha!
 
Nice one. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on April 30, 2009, 18:04:49
This made me laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_fPV13lKm4

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on April 30, 2009, 19:58:22
Lol at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_6RbP3CNUg
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on April 30, 2009, 21:57:55
THIS is funny!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh9Mko23JeA
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 01, 2009, 14:25:39
The two most burning questions after you got married:
Shall we take a dog?
Or shall we take kids?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 03, 2009, 16:57:35
Aunt Lizzie was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'
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Later that night........ Lizzie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the left knee.
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 03, 2009, 17:47:51
No, that's where she shot herself!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 03, 2009, 21:21:12
Swimming Swedes

During one of the Swedish army’s annual exercises, a sign on a bridge tells everyone "This bridge is destroyed". The exercise commences, and the Commander in Charge, a Colonel, scans around with his binoculars. Suddenly, he sees a line of soldiers walking over the closed bridge, which is marked with red flags, to simulate that it has been destroyed by an artillery barrage. The Colonel jumps in his TGB11 (Terrängbil 11, Eg. Cross Country Vehicle 11) and races down the hill to the bridge to have a word with the lousy platoon commander that allowed his men to cross a simulated destroyed bridge. As he approaches, he can see that the first soldier in line, a 2nd Lieutenant, carries a poster which says, "Vi simmar (We swim!"




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 03, 2009, 21:58:22
Lots of good ones from you Aad!  :2thumbs: <= Thanks, Fred!

Q. What do you call a short psychic who escaped from a jail?

A. A small medium at large!


Q. Why couldn'tthe bicycle stand up?

A. It was two tired.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: S.Reich on May 03, 2009, 23:13:12
LMAO....This one even made my wife laugh........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 03, 2009, 23:38:28
Priceless Boat Launch

This one gives new definition to "PRICELESS!"

65' Custom Built Motor yacht, staterooms, GPS navigation, twin Supercharged diesels, etc. = $2.5 million

Crane and Rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle = $2,500 per hour

Champagne and Strawberries, dockside, for the excited "soon to be Owners" =$250.00

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two Corporate representatives just prior to "inking" the final Paperwork........Priceless....................................

Check out the guy on the stern, holding on for the ride of the Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on May 03, 2009, 23:48:57
Gentlemen, try to keep them suited for all ages..

Although clearly about the rowboat, that one joke of yours was quite a bit too suggestive Aad, so I removed it.

Hope you understand.

Was a good one though..  :P


Regards,
Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on May 04, 2009, 00:36:15
We have to draw the line somewhere, there is allreadu more than enough leeway in this topic.

If one of us thinks it's crossing the line, and specially if a few of us do, then reason enough to remove it.

If we don't, then slowly but surely, it'll get out of hand, not just in this one, but in other topics or boards too.

The rules are the rules, I stand by our decision here. Some are just too suggestive.


Fred.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2009, 14:57:46
Hope you understand.

Was a good one though..  :P


Regards,
Fred
Ahoy Fred,
That one was to funny to keep it to myself. However, even if just one person thinks it was "over the line" you are right to take the proper action  :thumbs:.
I fully understand and will take care about the jokes I'll keep placing.
Kind regards.
Aad

Q:    Do you know what you call a Snail on a Ship?
A:    A SNAILER!   (Yuk Yuk Yuk)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on May 04, 2009, 16:12:38
A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
 for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
 and documents of new Ferrari parked
 on the street in front of the bank.
 He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
 The loan officer agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
 all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
 as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
 drives the Ferrari into the bank's
 underground garage and parks it there.

 Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
 repays the £5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to £15.41.
 The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
 and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
 but we are a little puzzled.
 While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
 for two weeks for only £15.41
 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser..
This is why we survive.



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on May 04, 2009, 16:26:00
A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
 for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
 and documents of new Ferrari parked
 on the street in front of the bank.
 He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
 The loan officer agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
 all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
 as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
 drives the Ferrari into the bank's
 underground garage and parks it there.

 Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
 repays the £5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to £15.41.
 The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
 and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
 but we are a little puzzled.
 While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
 for two weeks for only £15.41
 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser..
This is why they survive.







LOL! Excellent Traddles!  :2thumbs: ;D :D :lol:

very very funny and true, but i think i've heard it before, whether here or not i cant remember....

PS. Loving the new smilies! :2thumbs: (Fred and Terry I guess! :2thumbs: )
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2009, 18:18:45
Yep, I read it to, on this forum, only the loaner was a blonde.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 04, 2009, 22:47:19
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officer said the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?"



Thought I recognized it, it was one of mine!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2009, 23:20:33
OK, and back to topic.
The swine Flu, now better known as the Mexican Flu, did me place this one (click to enlarge, if necessary).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 05, 2009, 17:50:24
As all tourists that come to the Keys know, Sharks can be a dangerous threat to swimmers, divers and snorkelers. A local Marathon dive master was overheard giving a pre-dive briefing on the boat just before the divers hit the water. "You know", he says - "Its very important that you're properly equipped as a diver before going down. -- and do you know what your most important protection is against Sharks? -- it's your Dive Knife. It's very important that you have a very sharp dive knife that is readily accessible in case you're confronted by a shark while in the water".  One of the divers looked up, wide eye-ed and a little nervous and asked, "I heard that sharkskin is very tough - like sandpaper, and their teeth are razor sharp. How would I handle my dive knife to defend against such a formidable killer?  The dive master paused, picked his dive knife up in his hand and, with a serious, contemplative look, lightly stroked the flat sides of the blade.  "It's all in team work", he quietly responded.  "You always dive close to your buddy, right?  Well, -- when the shark gets close and looks like he's ready to attack, ..... you reach for your dive knife .... hold it out straight in front of you, then  .......................then ............
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GRAB YOUR BUDDY - SLIT HIS THROAT - AND SWIM AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 05, 2009, 19:02:23
Ahoy Fred,
That one was to funny to keep it to myself. However, even if just one person thinks it was "over the line" you are right to take the proper action  :thumbs:.
I fully understand and will take care about the jokes I'll keep placing.
Kind regards.
Aad

Thanks, Aad.

I also thought it was past the line we drew in the sand at "suitable for seven year olds". As Fred says, we do allow a considerable amount of leeway, but if we permit things to get too far past the line, it is difficult to censure someone else for something similar elsewhere on the forum.


Speaking of suitable for seven year olds:

I went to the doctors.

He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

So I got up on it and said "I'm the most handsome man in the world. My Mother-in-Law is the most understanding woman I've ever met. My Bank Manager is a great help in these hard tiimes".  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on May 05, 2009, 19:41:21
Lie = Tell porkies ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 05, 2009, 21:05:08
Thanks, Aad.

I also thought it was past the line we drew in the sand at "suitable for seven year olds". As Fred says, we do allow a considerable amount of leeway, but if we permit things to get too far past the line, it is difficult to censure someone else for something similar elsewhere on the forum.


Speaking of suitable for seven year olds:

I went to the doctors.

He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

So I got up on it and said "I'm the most handsome man in the world. My Mother-in-Law is the most understanding woman I've ever met. My Bank Manager is a great help in these hard tiimes".  ;D


This must be particular brand of West Sussex humour for 7 year olds!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on May 05, 2009, 21:40:59
Hahaha I laughed out loud at that one Terry, especially the Mother In Law bit! :lol: :2thumbs:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 05, 2009, 21:43:35
I hope this one is suitable. I'm sure it is, even unborn childs will like it (or not).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on May 05, 2009, 23:10:33
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
LOL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 06, 2009, 11:04:04
An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van, covered with
hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.


A man went to the Doctor. He said 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck in my ear'.

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 07, 2009, 21:26:01
No comment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 08, 2009, 16:05:08
R E V E N G E   of the Bird
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 08, 2009, 18:28:23
Poor dog? How would you feel if a stranger would pee through your homes door?  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on May 08, 2009, 18:32:12
Poor dog? How would you feel if a stranger would pee through your homes door?  ;D
I know I wouldn't do what that bird did.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 09, 2009, 23:06:47
Some boat related fun (although perhaps not so much fun for the people shown here)  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CC4plAJvuE&feature=rec-HM-r2


Man eating fish?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhylDDyUxJk&feature=related
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 10, 2009, 15:40:43
After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself. 
"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell. First let me describe them for you.
On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."
"And what about hell?" the couple asked.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on May 10, 2009, 16:45:47
Hey there are only so many jokes out there do you expect us to read all 900+ posts to see if its there?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 10, 2009, 18:02:07
Not necessary to read them all, but the SEARCH function does it for you. (I just searchrd for fill with water)

Her's the simulair one http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg159903.html#msg159903

Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on May 10, 2009, 18:06:20
RRR of coures Captain Mike had one like it >:(   :doh: Its all good :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 10, 2009, 19:00:22
Okay, and back on topic we are:

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on the windward rail?

A: Time to ask yourself why you have such a hard time getting crew.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 11, 2009, 21:42:00
An old man and a young man fished together on a regular basis.
One day the old man had a jar of peanuts by his side. The young man loves peanuts but the old man did not offer him any.
After a time and while the old man was looking the other way, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts.
Eventually the young man, feeling guilty, confesses to taking the peanuts.
"That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the Peanut M&Ms."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 12, 2009, 23:15:17
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 13, 2009, 23:02:19
 



Forgive me for I know not what I do!!


John and Paul went fishing together for the first time. Paul immediately pulled in a nice 3lb Bass. John was shocked and surprised when Paul grabbed the fish and began to slap him silly with it.

Suddenly Paul broke off the attack and began apologizing profusely. "It's a compulsion I have and I have no control over my actions; I'm so embarrassed", exclaimed Paul.

"Well, you're going to have to get some help and see a psychiatrist", said John, "before I will ever go fishing with you again!"

Six Months later Paul called John and they arranged to go fishing again. Once again Paul quickly caught a small Bass. Grabbing it he once again attacked John slapping him silly with the fish. This time Paul did not stop the attack to apologize. John had to restrain him almost capsizing the boat.

"I thought you were going the see a shrink and get this fixed", yelled John as he held Paul down.

"I did", said Paul, squirming.

"Well it didn't help", roared John!

"Oh yes it did", said Paul. "I still have the compulsion, but I have now learned to accept it!"
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on May 14, 2009, 01:03:52
 :doh: YUK YUK YUK  Im all out  :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 14, 2009, 15:55:28
Oh Dear!!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 16, 2009, 17:46:03
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had all entered a singlehanded race but failed to make it to the starting line.
The brunette lost her mast overboard during a grueling qualifying passage and couldn't get it repaired in time.

The redhead decided the flexing of the hull around the keelbolts she discovered at the last moment might lead to structural failure when she was far at sea and beyond the range of easy rescue.

The blonde couldn't find a crew.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 17, 2009, 21:13:28
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.
A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.
The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on May 17, 2009, 21:51:10
 :D :D :D

lol
That was a good one Aad!  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 17, 2009, 23:47:20
 :2thumbs: Excellent one, Aad!



Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?


A. Dam!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 17, 2009, 23:52:09
It's strange, isn't it?

If you stand in the middle of a library and scream 'aaaaagghhhh', everyone stares at you.

But if you do the same thing on an aeroplane, everyone joins in  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 18, 2009, 10:42:10
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.
A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.
The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."



Ahoy Aad

That's one of the best!!

Mike
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 18, 2009, 17:41:27
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "And, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At the River".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on May 22, 2009, 01:48:49
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "And, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At the River".
LOL, that was a great one :2thumbs:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 22, 2009, 19:41:43
I love this Doctor!
Wonder where his office is....I'd schedule an appointment!!! Makes sense to me......

 
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap. 

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for  your figure,   explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape! 

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about  food   and diets.

And  remember:
'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride' 

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you. 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on May 22, 2009, 20:10:05
So, I will arrive worn out, but going "What a ride!". Must be OK, then.

***

A man went to his doctor and asked how he could live a long time.

The doctor said:

"Don't smoke".

"Don't drink alcohol".

"No tea, coffee, sweetened beverages or other flavoured drinks. Plain water only".

"No meat. Nothing with any strong taste. Just eat the blandest vegetables you can find. Turnips should be a major part of your intake".

"No butter. No margarines or other spreads".

"No excitement. Stay in a darkened room in quiet contemplation".

"Avoid the excitement of beautiful women. Remain in that darkened room in quiet contemplation".

The man looked at his doctor and asked "So that will make me live a long time then?".

The doctor said "No. But it will certainly feel like it".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 25, 2009, 16:16:51
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected  themselves with curry powder by mistake -  both are in intensive care... one  has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on May 27, 2009, 03:48:52
Here are one for me, i let you tube tell it for me

Sorry for this one, did not know watt the words means ed, i toot it was a innocent blond jock  :doh:

TJK
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dudwasup on May 27, 2009, 04:23:58
ive got a good joke here it is


john is taking mrs smith to court because she suposedly kicked his french bull dog after all the evidence is shown the judge makes his decision and finds mrs smith inicent john is very upset and asks the judge if he can call mrs smith a pig the judge says no john you will not speak like that in my court room john thinks for a second and then he asks the judge can i call a pig mrs smith and the judge says shure why not and jhon looks over at mrs smith and says good morning mrs smith
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 28, 2009, 21:47:17
Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often..

But push the wrong button and you're  disconnected for the rest of your life...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on May 28, 2009, 21:52:10
What women say
And what they MEAN


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 28, 2009, 21:56:19
 :thumbs: L.M.S.O.

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 02, 2009, 11:06:57
Don't talk to my parrot ...

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
     

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'                     
           
 'I MUST STRESS TO YOU:  DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,'Get himSpike!'

See - Men just don't listen!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 02, 2009, 21:17:32
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."   :evil:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on June 02, 2009, 21:22:19
The people shouldn't swim in the water if there are gators or sharks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 02, 2009, 22:01:33
I don't get it...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 02, 2009, 22:22:37
IT WAS A MYSTERY AND HE TOLD HIM THE ENDING  ::)
Took me a few times too
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 02, 2009, 22:27:50
I still don't get it. That wasn't mentioned in the (well...if you could call it a joke) joke.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 02, 2009, 22:51:10
I still don't get it. That wasn't mentioned in the (well...if you could call it a joke) joke.
And we call woman with a certain color of hair dumb  :evil:
A tip is a small amount of money, given for an extra-ordinary service (in this case giving the guy a better place)as well as a hint.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 02, 2009, 23:59:13
As in:

I took a taxi ride today in London.

When I got home, my wife asked "Did you give the cabby a tip?".

"Of course!", I replied. "I told him to back Mumma's Boy in the 2:30 at Epsom today."  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 03, 2009, 00:30:42
Here is one you should get if not...
OK three marines are going into the desert and they all bring supplies
1st brings guns and ammunition
2nd brings food and water
3rd brings a car door  :-\
They are walking and then the 1st two ask why he brought a car door.
He replies simply "If it get's hot I can roll down the window"  ;D
Corny...yes funny sure  ;D

Ive been running out of jokes since they're all pretty much taken >:(  :evil:
Enjoy
Matt  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 03, 2009, 00:39:29
So that blind guy stumbled accidently into a 'womans only' bar. He orderd a drink and after a while he "said: "I know a good "Blonde" joke, shall I tell it?" One of the woman answerd: "Before You start I have to warn you. I'm 6 feet tall, weight about 150 pounds and I'm blonde. The woman after the counter is about my size and champion in Judo and she's blonde too. The one beside you is a wrestling champ and blonde, the one behind you has a black belt in karate and is blonde, and across the room is another blonde who is champion Kick Boxing and, off course, also blonde. So, will you still tell that Joke?"
After a second or so of total silence the guy said:"Not if I have to explain it five times"  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 03, 2009, 13:11:46
VERY funny Aad!!

 :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 03, 2009, 18:35:08
The Police have stated that he is expected to make a full recovery once his broken legs are mended and other parts of him are located and stitched back on.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 10:15:44
The Police have stated that he is expected to make a full recovery once his broken legs are mended and other parts of him are located and stitched back on.

ROTFLOL

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 16:56:03
Three days ago, the local Police Station was robbed of its toilets....police say they have nothing to go on.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 16:56:57
Lego or Logo?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 16:58:17
Lego or Logo?

Haha, I don't know why I put lego :doh: *ahem* Local.

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 17:00:34
Maybe you have Lego police in Fleetwood?

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 17:03:06
We are very advanced in Fleetwood Mike :lol:

(http://www.1000steine.com/brickset/images/7235-1.jpg)

Jack :lol: :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 17:04:47
So it was a joke after all!!

http://www.usacops.com/pa/p19522/index.html

I thought you were in Lancs not Berks!

ROTFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 04, 2009, 17:07:41
Ahhhh! :o My secret is unvailed :lol:

Check my flag :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 04, 2009, 17:12:08
A man in jail for a robbery was visited by his wife. "This is the time of year I'd be planting potatoes in the back garden," he said. "Well, I have no time to dig up the garden," replied his wife. "Don't you worry about that," he said. All you'll have to do is plant them just wait and see." After she had gone, he wrote her a letter: "Dear Mary, There is some stuff buried in the back garden that should be passed on to the boys. Can you see to it for me? Love, Michael."
The following day, a group of policemen descended on the back garden with spades, dug it all over, found nothing, and went away.
The day after that, she planted the potatoes.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 04, 2009, 23:14:41
Two men struck up a conversation in a hotel lobby. Both felt a quick friendship growing.
The first man said, "would you like to go into the bar, have a drink and a fine cigar?"
"No thanks", replied the other," I tried drinking once and didn't like it. I also tried smoking once and didn't like it either".
"That's fine", said the first man, "listen, I have some time and the ocean is nearby let's rent a boat and go do some fishing".
"No, I tried boating once but didn't like it. I also tried fishing once. I didn't catch anything and didn't like it", explained the other. "However, my son will be along soon and I'm sure he would like to go fishing."
The first man looked at his new acquaintance and remarked, "Your only son, no doubt!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 05, 2009, 07:39:59
Common Sailing Terms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 05, 2009, 10:45:43
 :lol:

Some good "nautical term" explanations.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 05, 2009, 13:21:28
Very good Jack!

 :captain:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 05, 2009, 16:41:51
I thought you'd like that one :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 05, 2009, 16:58:44
The Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone.
Finally a faint reply crackled over the static: "I'm executive vice president of Microsoft - please hurry!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 06, 2009, 13:37:15
Common Sailing Terms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
thats pretty good and funny  :2thumbs: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 06, 2009, 13:48:15
Aad was sitting on a bench near the waterside along Willemsplein, when a young man sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... red, green, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that Aad was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Aad replied, "I got incredibly drunk once. I was so plastered that I had no idea what I was doing."

"So?" said the young man. "So have lots of people. "What about it?"

"Well, " said Aad, "When I sobered up, I found that I had married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 06, 2009, 18:58:49
Ahoy Terry,
I will have a good hearty word with my wife about that last one ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php?topic=10830.msg178084#msg178084 ). You must have heard that from her. How can she tell you our 'Bed-Secrets'  :-[
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 06, 2009, 19:38:34
It was when Dana and I met you in Rotterdam last time.... (I'm there again with Ballast tomorrow and Monday)  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 06, 2009, 20:37:38
Aad was sitting on a bench near the waterside along Willemsplein, when a young man sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... red, green, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that Aad was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Aad replied, "I got incredibly drunk once. I was so plastered that I had no idea what I was doing."

"So?" said the young man. "So have lots of people. "What about it?"

"Well, " said Aad, "When I sobered up, I found that I had married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
:D
Good stuff, good stuff. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 06, 2009, 20:51:01
Your Turn!

No one in the town could catch as many fish as Paul. The game warden asked him how he did it. Paul told the game warden that he would be happy to take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake Paul took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating. Paul took out a net and scooped up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal and that, as much as he hated it , he had to arrest him!

Paul took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said, "are you going to talk or fish?!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 06, 2009, 21:12:28
Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Will it cross it before he's old?
Ah Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 07, 2009, 14:38:12
Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present.
Henderson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store.
When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny.
"They transferred my call," Henderson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Welc0me1 on June 08, 2009, 01:49:25
Your Turn!

No one in the town could catch as many fish as Paul. The game warden asked him how he did it. Paul told the game warden that he would be happy to take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake Paul took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating. Paul took out a net and scooped up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal and that, as much as he hated it , he had to arrest him!

Paul took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said, "are you going to talk or fish?!"



 Hahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

 ;D * I think that's how its spelled? 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on June 08, 2009, 08:07:18
*LINUX
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 08, 2009, 16:21:27
"Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?" asked the little girl.
The mother shook her head no firmly.
"Pleeease?" she begged. "Daddy's swimming out there."
"I know, darling, but he's insured".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 08, 2009, 16:28:30
Hahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

 ;D * I think that's how its spelled? 

Dont get it...yet
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 09, 2009, 01:26:18
Hahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

 ;D * I think that's how its spelled?  
Haha! ;D
Matt, basically, the joke means Windows is jank.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 09, 2009, 09:12:31
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

   


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
 
 
 


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

 


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

 


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

 

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.
 



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
 



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
 
 



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..

 

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,..
 




...silver, topaz, and amethyst


 

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
 
 
 
 
   
 


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
 

















. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 09, 2009, 18:52:05
A man fell overboard from his little boat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up.
"Jump in, we'll save you" they screamed.
"No" cried the drowning man, "God will save me".
The scene was repeated twice and then a helicopter hovered over the man.
"We came to rescue you" - yelled the pilot.
"No, God will save me" was the response again.
The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus.
"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?!"
"Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on June 10, 2009, 17:22:27
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To heck with this!" & storms off

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
                                                                      :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 10, 2009, 17:29:56
Not really a Joke as it was true, but very funny anyway!


From yesterdays Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.

The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400. per day for the last 23 years...!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 11, 2009, 15:58:54
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP..
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.
Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.
Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..   Today you voted.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 11, 2009, 16:08:42
 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 15, 2009, 19:40:06
BBQ RULES  
 
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:  

Routine...  
1   The woman buys the food.  
2   The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .  
3   The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.  
4   The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.  

Here comes the important part:  
5   THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

  
More routine...  
6   The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.  
7   The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
  
Important again:  
8   THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.  

 
More routine...  
9   The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.  
10   After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  
And most important of all:  
11   Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

  
12   The man asks the woman how she enjoyed '  her night off   ',   and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Sorry, Ladies.   :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 15, 2009, 19:59:11
Hahaha :lol: That's a gooden' Aad.

Some MORE Nautical Terms! ;D :lol:

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 17, 2009, 13:47:36
Haha! ;D
Matt, basically, the joke means Windows is jank.
i have at my house a windows vista
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 17, 2009, 13:51:50
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

   


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
 
 
 


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

 


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

 


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

 

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.
 



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
 



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
 
 



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..

 

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,..
 




...silver, topaz, and amethyst


 

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
 
 
 
 
   
 


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
 

















. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


rotfl lol  :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 17, 2009, 22:50:14
"I finally snapped," the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof."
"What did you do?" asked his friend.
"I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift."
"Did it help?"
"I'll say. Tomorrow we're selling my golf clubs and fishing equipment."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 18:29:41
you might wanna think twice before you say yes to have a fishing competition with anybody  :doh: ;D

 ;D

lol

That is good.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 18, 2009, 18:56:32
you might wanna think twice before you say yes to have a fishing competition with anybody  :doh: ;D

I've seen the "Proper" version of that :lol: :2thumbs:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 19:03:57
Proper version?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 18, 2009, 19:06:58
Yes...Lets just say, it has something else written in that Bubble! Haha :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 18, 2009, 19:34:41
And I'm pretty sure that it was not suitable for 7 year old kids  :evil:
Well, this one is.

The city slicker was fishing with a fancy new rod and all the latest lures, but hadn't had a nibble by lunchtime. Adding to his irritation was the fact that a farm boy in a rowboat not far away had pulled in a number of good-sized bass. They quit about the same time, and the man couldn't help asking the farm boy. "You caught all those fish with that old stick - and a bent pin for a hook?" he croaked disbelievingly. "What's your secret?"
The boy shrugged and hitched up his overalls. "I guess I just keep myself out of sight."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 19:38:44
I don't get it...  ???

(sorry)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 18, 2009, 19:43:55
I don't get it...  ???

(sorry)
City Slicker, fancy outfit, shining stuff. Scares the fish off. Got it now?  :doh:

The fishing party was hopelessly lost in the deep woods.
The sun was going down and the mosquitoes starting to bite when one of the fishermen growled, "I thought you said you were the best guide in Minnesota."
"Oh I am," replied the guide firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in Montana by now."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on June 18, 2009, 21:11:44
I get it now.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 19, 2009, 07:33:45
And I'm pretty sure that it was not suitable for 7 year old kids  :evil:

Correct :angel:

Jack :doh: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 19, 2009, 15:22:21
The determined angler staggered up to the counter with an arm load of the latest gear.
As the cashier was ringing up the total, which came to several hundred dollars, he sighed and commented:
"You know, you could save me an awful lot of money if you'd just start selling fish here."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 20, 2009, 18:37:54
Lawyer with a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied.  'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on June 20, 2009, 19:06:39
Haha, what a jerk :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 20, 2009, 19:47:33
Haha, what a jerk :P
No, just a lawyer  :evil:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. And every year Morris would say: 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied: 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said: 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied: 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said: 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said: 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied: 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know,
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: John Carter on June 20, 2009, 22:17:52
2 women sitting together, quietly.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 20, 2009, 22:47:21
2 women sitting together, quietly.
?
I don't get it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on June 20, 2009, 22:56:30
2 women sitting together QUIETLY

Women are very very very very very very very very EXTREMELY talkative ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 20, 2009, 22:57:09
Hahahahahahaha! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 00:27:03
2 women sitting together, quietly.
LOL :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 21, 2009, 01:29:58
Lol I knew something was wrong there as soon as I read it  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 21, 2009, 07:18:29
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

Jack :lol: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 12:19:58
Hope is a wonderful thing - one little nibble keeps a man fishing all day.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 21, 2009, 13:30:01
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

Jack :lol: :2thumbs:

Haha nice one Jack - that made me smile ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 14:53:20
The Good Old Titanic


Arriving at port the fishing boat captain was approached by one of his new crewmen.

"Captain, sir ", said the young fellow," I would like to introduce you to my Great Aunt Mary." After exchanging pleasantries the crewman and his aunt left.

The next morning while preparing to leave port the crewman thanked the captain for his time with his aunt. "She loves boats", said the crewman, "You know all my life growing up she told me many stories of when she was on the Titanic!"

"Are you telling me that your aunt survived the sinking of the Titanic?!!" exclaimed the shocked captain.

"Wow!" said the crewman, "that's why you're the captain, sir. All those years and that's one question I never thought to asked her!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 21, 2009, 17:39:00
LOL!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 17:45:46
John decided scrape and paint the hull of his 21 foot wood cruiser. Not being sure how much paint to buy and knowing that Paul, a close friend who had the same size boat had recently painted his, he gave him a call.
"Paul," he said, "How many gallons of paint did you buy for your boat?"
"Six," said Paul.
John went out and bought six gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over!
Calling Paul again, "Paul," he said, "I bought six gallons of paint for my boat , but I've got two gallons left over."
"Yes," said Paul, "So did I."   :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on June 21, 2009, 18:50:55
Haha! ROFL!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on June 21, 2009, 18:55:40
Doh...  :doh:  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 21, 2009, 21:14:50
And You Are??

The years had taken their toll on the old sea captain. All those years of hard drinking and life at sea left the old salt with a pot belly sagging butt and a double chin.

Concerned about retirement which was imminent, and wanting to settle down with a pretty wench on land, the sea captain decided to embark on a self improvement program. He went on a diet, exercised and gave up drinking. He lost his gut, firmed up his body and even purchased a toupee he looked 20 years younger.

During his final voyage his ship came up against a storm and the captain was lost overboard. While the captain was floating in the middle of the ocean he raised his voice to heaven, "God, how could you do this to me on the eve of my retirement ? "

God answered, " To tell you the truth captain, I didn't recognize you!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 22, 2009, 07:46:30
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 22, 2009, 14:06:09
 ;D  :D  ;D  :D  ;D

That had me laughing for aaages  ;D

Thanks for sharing that :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 22, 2009, 15:45:02
Timing is Everything!

Sitting at the cruise ship's bar the man, celebrating with his wife their 25th wedding anniversary with this cruise, was lamenting his tumultuous marriage. "Years ago I hated my wife so much I seriously considered killing her. I knew then that if I did I would get at least 20 years in jail for second degree murder. A co-worker who discovered my plans talked me out of it.

"Wow!" said the bartender, " that was a real friend to do that for you!"

"He's no friend of mine!" said the man.

"Why not?" asked the bartender.

"Because, today I would be a free man!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 23, 2009, 19:54:45
How true is this!!!


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 24, 2009, 13:48:34
How true is this!!!


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Not really a joke as it is true!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 24, 2009, 17:41:49
Not really a joke as it is true!!
You're so right. If it wasn't so ridiculous  ;D you could cry :'( about it, and if it wasn't so pitiful  :'( you could laugh  ;D about it.
Anyhow, here is a new one:

First Mate Comes First!


The Captain was angry and could barely contain himself. The sailing race of the year was about to start but he confronted his First Mate anyway.

"I just found out that you have been getting huge kickbacks from our suppliers which made our costs double! Plus, I know you sold our new hull design to our biggest competitor team!! I also understand that yesterday you fooled around with my wife!!!

Visibly shaken the Captain shouted, "This is unacceptable behavior and beyond what could ever be forgiven!"

"You're absolutely right Captain" said the First Mate, "I guess our winning streak together comes to an end today!"

"Uh, right.....well, all I have to say is one more stunt and you're off the boat."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 24, 2009, 17:58:01
Hmm I dont get it ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 25, 2009, 17:17:22
Hmm I dont get it ???

Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 25, 2009, 18:17:25
it just seems like a week ago that this topic only 16 pages
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 25, 2009, 18:49:09
Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
:evil:

One Good Tern Will Do It

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am.The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor to, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor picked up the broom and commenced performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a Tern landed on the broom handle. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The Tern left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle.
The sailor went through the same routine over and over again. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returned. In the morning the chief petty officer, came to checked the sailor and his work.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a Tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!" 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 26, 2009, 03:25:13
now thats good aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on June 26, 2009, 12:50:12
OFFENSIVE JOKE REMOVED BY REQUEST
Please try to remember the 7 years old rule
                                                          Eric
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on June 26, 2009, 13:44:51
I once told my mate I was gonna be a comedian.

He laughed.


(that was awful wasnt it)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 26, 2009, 17:08:48
OFFENSIVE JOKE REMOVED BY REQUEST
Please try to remember the 7 years old rule
                                                          Eric

Was it a good one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 26, 2009, 18:39:29
Was it a good one?

 ::) Probably. ;D :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on June 26, 2009, 18:41:49
HI
Not really guys read a lot better
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 26, 2009, 18:43:38
Thats a shame!! :doh:

Or maybe not...Since then, I would be thinking if the joke was good or not, and if I had missed out.

 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 26, 2009, 22:41:00
The Perfect Holy Storm

The buyer of the sailboat thought the seller was kidding when he told him he was buying a holy boat.
His instruction to the buyer was, " if you yell PRAISE THE LORD the wind will fill your sails! The louder you yell the greater the wind. To stop the wind yell THE DEVIL IS DEAD."

During his first trip out and feeling a little silly he, in a modest tone uttered, "Praise the Lord". Poof, the sails billowed and moved the boat through the water at a nice clip.
Was it a coincidence?

A little louder he yelled "PRAISE THE LORD", and the boat lurched forward doing 30 knots!
Now excited and drunk with his newfound power he yelled, "PRAISE THE LORD" three times in a row!

Suddenly the new sailor realized what he had done! Winds of hurricane proportion started beating his boat! How to make it stop? He could not remember the words!
With his sails now in tatters and in fear of losing his boat the sailor suddenly remembered,
"THE DEVIL IS DEAD", he roared!

There was suddenly calm.

Shaken beyond belief the sailor fell on his back and looking to heavens and in the loudest voice he could muster roared with relief, "PRAISE THE LOOOORRRD!!!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 27, 2009, 22:05:39
Hahahaha...good one Aad! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 27, 2009, 22:49:24
Honest Teacher !!
John and Paul were late to school, the school bell having chimed through the small valley a half hour before. The principal confronted the truants and asked where they have been.

John said, "I was dreaming that I was getting ready to go on a steamboat trip to New Orleans. I thought the school bell was the boat leaving and dreaming that I was too late decided I did not need to get out of bed.

The Principal asked Paul, " So, what do you have to say young man?"

Paul said," I was on the dock waiting waiting for John!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 28, 2009, 08:37:12
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor´s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You´re not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I´m actually a blonde."

"I thought so" the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken".  
    
Jack :lol: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 13:49:51
 :lol: good one jack
here is a topic joke http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,773.0.html (http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,773.0.html)
Not so much a joke, just the worlds stupidest topic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 14:09:21
Simple just clicked on pg 105 and looked back looking for old topics :doh: :thumbs: U and I should start a new thread, it would be a hit, I can see it now "Forum Game" Stupidest threads  :lol:

EDIT: Looks like Aad wasnt the only one with a "Joke" topic http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2463.0.html (http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2463.0.html)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 14:21:23
Ahhhh well then...





put it back put it back put it back

hahaha we desperately need it :thumbs:

EDIT: This topic is once again another one that did a 90degree turn, for the worse :evil:
Scroll down in the topic
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2940.0.html (http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,2940.0.html)

I think we shall get back on topic before Aad slaps us with a herring ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 14:58:22
And that would be a green one, comlete with onions   :evil:

Skier Inbound


Looking out his window Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock. Running to the man's aid he noticed two broken water skies on the dock. As he drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions cuts an scrapes all over his body. One leg was twisted in a way that would indicate that it was broken.
Kneeling over the man Paul asked, "what happened?"
The skier replied, "I don't know I just got here myself!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 28, 2009, 17:12:03
And that would be a green one, comlete with onions   :evil:

Skier Inbound


Looking out his window Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock. Running to the man's aid he noticed two broken water skies on the dock. As he drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions cuts an scrapes all over his body. One leg was twisted in a way that would indicate that it was broken.
Kneeling over the man Paul asked, "what happened?"
The skier replied, "I don't know I just got here myself!"

Oh!!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 17:31:50
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world at a depth of 20 feet. He noticed a guy at the same depth but he had on no SCUBA gear!
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him. The diver went below 25 feet more, and once again, the guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out his board and marker, and wrote, "How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy grabbed the board, quickly erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU FOOL!!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 18:28:58
Ahoy Diamant,
How boring can you be?
Consider yourself warned by this Octupuss.
Next time it will be a Herring
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 28, 2009, 19:08:14
Haha diamant those gave me a laugh :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 28, 2009, 20:15:51
Ahoy Diamant,
Well, then create that topic, but stop the 'Idle Chatter' in this one.
Here comes the Herring

The Near Perfect Storm


A guest, on a private sailboat on a compass heading to the Bahamas, had to hit the head. Excusing himself he left the main cabin.
Shortly after, a sudden squall hit the ship. A giant freak wave rolled over the vessel and, with a stress breach in the hull, the boat began taking on water!
Just short of sinking and with his guests and crew in the life boat, the captain realized someone was missing. Working his way towards the aft cabins and fighting the onslaught of water rushing in, he broke open the door to the head.
There stood the missing guest. Shaken and confused he looked at the captain and said, "I don't understand, all I did was pull the handle!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 29, 2009, 01:26:44
And that would be a green one, comlete with onions   :evil:

Skier Inbound


Looking out his window Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock. Running to the man's aid he noticed two broken water skies on the dock. As he drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions cuts an scrapes all over his body. One leg was twisted in a way that would indicate that it was broken.
Kneeling over the man Paul asked, "what happened?"
The skier replied, "I don't know I just got here myself!"
i don't get it (what's the funny part?)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 29, 2009, 10:30:34
i don't get it (what's the funny part?)

Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 29, 2009, 16:13:13
Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:

 :evil:

LOL   That's superb, Aad!  :2thumbs:   Can I have a cookie?
Ahoy Diamant,
Here you got the cookie. Enjoy

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 29, 2009, 16:21:57
© IRI5HJ4CK, 2009.  :doh:


OOOPS, My fault. I removed it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 29, 2009, 16:29:50
OOOPS, My fault. I removed it.

No worries Aad :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 29, 2009, 16:35:48
OOOPS, My fault. I removed it.


Removed my comment. Two great Jokes which Diamant has quoted, can only find one though?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on June 29, 2009, 16:38:26
Removed mine, Diamant should remove his or else it looks daft!

He'll blend in with the crowd then... :evil: :lol:

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 29, 2009, 16:47:05
He'll blend in with the crowd then... :evil: :lol:

Jack.

Jack

That will be the day!!

 :doh: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 29, 2009, 17:35:08
Don't give up, keep working on it!

 :doh:
now i get it!! :P ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 29, 2009, 20:22:06
John enters a bookstore and asks the saleswoman: "Where can I find a book called The man is the Boss at Home".
After a few moments of thinking the saleswoman answers: "Third row on your left in the section Fairy Tales".

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 29, 2009, 20:25:08
as funny as ever aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on June 29, 2009, 22:06:12
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

Jack :lol:
The best I have heard! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on June 30, 2009, 21:32:49
rofl! :2thumbs: :2thumbs: ;D ;D :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 30, 2009, 21:34:30
Multistory ship park anyone?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 30, 2009, 22:07:59
Those Pesky Green Peace People

Sunburned and upset Sandy returned to the office Monday morning.
"What's wrong Sandy?" asked one of her co-workers.
"I've had it!" exclaimed Sandy " I'm going on a diet once and for all!"
"Oh you don't look so bad", said the co-worker.
"Oh really?", pouted Sandy. "Sunday, I decided to go to the beach and fell asleep. I woke up with four men from Green peace pulling on my arms and legs and one was shouting: "Quick, lets see if we can slide it back into the water!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on June 30, 2009, 22:11:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol: ;D Haha good one Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Spencer on June 30, 2009, 22:27:33
**Suggests Aad ducks for cover and battens down the hatch before any woman spot the joke**
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 30, 2009, 22:37:59
One day a frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack. "Ms. Whack," he says, "I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat."
Patti furrows her brow and asks, "Well, how much do you want to borrow?"
"$30,000," the frog says.
"Really?" she asked, eyebrow raised.
"Yes," he said. digging into his pants pocket and produced a tiny pink porcelain elephant. "And I want to use this as collateral."
"Okay," Patti said, accepting the elephant. "I'll have to ask the president of the bank about this."
"That's fine," he said. "I'm sure he will vouch for me."
Patti walked into the president's office and explained the situation.
"There's a frog out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this" (she holds up the tiny pink elephant )as collateral. What the heck is this thing?"

The president said: "That's a knickknack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. "

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thassos on June 30, 2009, 23:52:09
Reminds me of the men working on the roof at Buckingham Palace.  They both fell from the roof and became stuck in a rain collecting barrel.
Meanwhile, Doug, who is up for a knighthood is in the middle of a crisis - the sword for the ceremony cannot be found.  Eventually, a rubber toy sword is borrowed from one of the granchildren and Doug is duly knighted.
On his way out, he spots the men stuck in the barrel and goes to pull them out.
Headline in newspaper:
Rubber dubbed Doug frees men in a tub.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 01, 2009, 17:30:14
Did You Forget Something?

A child was playing on the beach when a tidal wave came in and swept him into the water.
Ever alert, the lifeguard dove into the water and fought through the swells. After one last giant effort he reached the child. Holding the child securely, he swam back to shore.
The child's mother rushed to them. She kissed her most precious son then turned to the exhausted lifeguard and said: " Where's his hat?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 01, 2009, 20:00:18
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fDBl1wT2Lk&feature=channel_page
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 07:40:29
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."

So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

Jack :lol: LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 02, 2009, 11:48:36
HAHA that's good, here are mine


(http://i44.tinypic.com/14llfu9.gif)


Tore
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 13:54:42
HAHA that's good, here are mine


(http://i44.tinypic.com/14llfu9.gif)


Tore
don't get it :'( :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 14:17:08
give me a clue?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 15:05:58
ohhhhhhhh :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:now i get it!!! :-X ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 02, 2009, 15:26:29
Capn_Cal another option is the MODIFY button then type EDIT now I get it  :doh: youll learn soon enough :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:10:53
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weIbm3m-Xbo
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 16:28:49
ohhhhhhhh :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:now i get it!!! :-X ;D ;D ;D

Derr... :doh: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:30:09
Capn_Cal another option is the MODIFY button then type EDIT now I get it  :doh: youll learn soon enough :thumbs:
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 02, 2009, 16:33:36
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weIbm3m-Xbo

This is going Off Topic. This thread is for 'Joke of the Day' not movie of the day.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:37:55
This is going Off Topic. This thread is for 'Joke of the Day' not movie of the day.
but i thought "jokes" were anything funny and i found that video funny or you evil? :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:42:24
If you don't know yet, Captain Mike is a vice evil admin while Terry or Fred are away.
rofl, your president jokesalot diamant
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 16:48:49
Triple post... :o

Why not just edit your post..?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 16:50:04
what do you mean jack?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 16:50:57
You should edit your post using the modify button, it's against the forum rules to post so many times for no reason. We've all posted maybe, two in a row, but we don't if we can help it.

Jack :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 02, 2009, 16:59:31
And back to topic we are:

Bill sent an email to his wife saying that he would be coming home from his five day fishing trip one day early. Arriving home he found his wife with another man.
Upset he left and got a room at a hotel to plan his next step.
His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
"Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and as I expected there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."
"OK" said Bill, "what is it?"
The mother-in -law said, "She never got your email!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 02, 2009, 21:04:32
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 02, 2009, 21:19:57
 :lol: Aad how do you know so many jokes if I may ask sooner or later you must run out ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 02, 2009, 21:45:06
:lol: Aad how do you know so many jokes if I may ask sooner or later you must run out ;)

Well...There's this thing called googl...... :lol:

My turn now:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell.
The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace and The Scotsman was put in beside him burning away. The Irishman wound up in a big bedroom with a beautiful blonde film star in his arms. That's not fair,' said The Englishman and The Scotsman, 'rewarding him like that.' That's not The Irishman's reward,' said The Devil, 'that's her punishment.'

Jack :lol:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 03, 2009, 00:24:12
 :lol: I like that punishment  :2thumbs:  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 03, 2009, 13:24:09
Nice!! But how many pilots and how do they get their coffee??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 14:05:50
Schnooked over Snook

A game warden stopped a man with two buckets of fish . He asked the man:" Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied: "No sir - Don't need one. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."
"That's crazy! Fish can't do that!" said the warden.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "It's not crazy, I'll show you."
" O. K." said the warden, " do it!" !"
The man quickly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"Well, when are you going to call them back?" the game warden asked.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH!" yelled the warden.
"What fish?" the man asked.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 14:49:57
 ;D ;D ;D ;Di don't need a explaination ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 03, 2009, 14:53:05
I do though...and mike I dont need "Keep working on it ;D"  :doh: ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 16:18:29
What a Mess

The sailors were chowing down while the cook was bragging to a couple of other sailors:"My best dishes are meat loaf and peach cobbler."
Over hearing that comment, one sailor asked:"Sounds great, which is this?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 03, 2009, 16:56:33
Ahoy Aad

Don't know where your source is but these are great, even if capn_cal needs help.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 17:22:30
Food for the Dog


The cook was yelling in the galley as the first mate came in.
"What's wrong cook?" said the first mate.
The cook explained that the ship's mascot, a dog, had eaten one of his chicken pot pies.
"That's serious", said the first mate, "but don't worry, we can get another dog!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 03, 2009, 17:25:23
 :lol: good one...can you explain it for... :doh:

Lets Give the Guy a break shall we hes new, well sorta :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 17:32:23
Thanks for all the compliments, guys. Here is another one. Must be thye last one for today, otherwise my source will dry up.

To stow or not to stowaway

The cruise ship was well underway when ship security found the stowaway in the cargo hold.
"The Coast Guard will arrest you and take you back to port", said the officer.
The stowaway begged him to be kind: "I'm going to my daughter's wedding . I have no money for a ticket. I will work for the passage. Won't you please let me stay?"
Against his better judgment the officer agreed to let the man stay provided he keep out of site.
On the way out of the hold he tripped over another stowaway!
The second stowaway said: "Don't look at me. He invited me to the wedding!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 17:35:05
Ahoy Aad

Don't know where your source is but these are great, even if capn_cal needs help.
i don't need help  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 17:36:28
:lol: good one...can you explain it for... :doh:

Lets Give the Guy a break shall we hes new, well sorta :thumbs:
theres no need to explain for me!(if thats your going after) :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 03, 2009, 17:40:57
theres no need to explain for me!(if thats your going after) :thumbs:
They only joke with you  :evil: :lol: :thumbs:
Here are one from me


There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

Well one more to go



A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 03, 2009, 18:12:36
:lol: good one...can you explain it for... :doh:

Lets Give the Guy a break shall we hes new, well sorta :thumbs:
Matt, check your Registration date. Cal has been here longer than you have.
Here are some jokes:
Three times I've been mistaken for Robert Redford. Each time by a blind person.

I contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.    
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 03, 2009, 18:26:07
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 03, 2009, 18:28:18
Great ones, guys  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on July 03, 2009, 18:29:24
ROFLOL.. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 03, 2009, 18:37:01
lol love it TJK!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 18:41:52
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 03, 2009, 20:32:31
I was boiling some water to make some tea a few minutes ago, and when I pulled it off the stove, I had forgotten to put some more water in it and it was an empty tea pot! :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 03, 2009, 21:17:31
Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 03, 2009, 23:26:08
I was boiling some water to make some tea a few minutes ago, and when I pulled it off the stove, I had forgotten to put some more water in it and it was an empty tea pot! :lol:
you were making tea?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 04, 2009, 07:21:37
Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."


lol i gotta try that one day! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 04, 2009, 08:10:27
Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."


Hahaha :lol: I laughed at that one.

Here's mine:

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

Jack ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 04, 2009, 09:41:18
THREE NUNS

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL..
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..  
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY  BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET  ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY  SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,  "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."  
    
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT  THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY  DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 04, 2009, 11:02:17
HAHA Good one Mike  :lol:

Here are mine for the day

You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.  





A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof - out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 04, 2009, 14:16:00
watt a bout this then

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."

TJK
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 04, 2009, 16:27:46
A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled: "It's a miracle!"
"No", said the doctor, "That's professional courtesy!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 04, 2009, 16:28:43
TALKING AUSTRALIAN CLOCK

Proudly  showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment  to a couple of friends late  one  night  , A  drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where  there was a big brass  gong  hanging on the  wall.  

'What's  that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's  asked.  

'Issss  nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he  drunkenly replied.  

'A  talking Australian clock -  seriously?'  

'Yup.'  'Hmmm (hic).'  

'How's  it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at  it.  

'Just  watch' he said.  

He  picked up a hammer, gave the gong an  'ear-shattering bash' and stepped  back.  

His  three mates stood looking at one another for a  moment in astounded silence.  

Suddenly,  an Australian voice from the other side of the  wall screamed,  

'For  pity's sake, you stupid fellow. It's ten past  three in the morning  !!!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 04, 2009, 21:43:26
The captain was explaining to the visiting Boy Scout Troop the different animals that live in that particular Louisiana river basin. They were an inquisitive group, testing the captain's patience.
The topic came to alligators and the captain went into great detail hoping to forestall any stupid questions. Pleased with the result of his logical approach he finished with the alligator's mating habits. The captain explained: "The female alligator lays four million eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three hundred and ninety-five of those eggs. And that concludes our tour!."
"Sir", asked one of the scouts, "why does the female alligator lay so many eggs?"
Upset that his resent " No Question" period had ended the captain said as calmly as possible: "That's simply nature sonny."
"And sir" , the scout continued, "why does the male alligator eat all those eggs?"
The captain's answer came quickly: "Because, if he didn't, we'd all be up to our bellybuttons in alligators!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 05, 2009, 22:24:41
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 06, 2009, 00:02:47
TALKING AUSTRALIAN CLOCK

Proudly  showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment  to a couple of friends late  one  night  , A  drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where  there was a big brass  gong  hanging on the  wall.  

'What's  that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's  asked.  

'Issss  nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he  drunkenly replied.  

'A  talking Australian clock -  seriously?'  

'Yup.'  'Hmmm (hic).'  

'How's  it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at  it.  

'Just  watch' he said.  

He  picked up a hammer, gave the gong an  'ear-shattering bash' and stepped  back.  

His  three mates stood looking at one another for a  moment in astounded silence.  

Suddenly,  an Australian voice from the other side of the  wall screamed,  

'For  pity's sake, you stupid fellow. It's ten past  three in the morning  !!!'
i'd like to have one and lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 06, 2009, 09:49:05
i'd like to have one and lol

Here you are, you could have your very own talking clock:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Large-Brass-Gong-with-mallet-Instrument-Game-17_W0QQitemZ190318419396QQcmdZViewItemQQptZMetalware?hash=item2c4fdc9dc4&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=65%3A12%7C66%3A2%7C39%3A1%7C72%3A1683%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 06, 2009, 13:09:19
rofl
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 06, 2009, 16:43:36
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a

 

     Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt

 

     Out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring  up the sand

 

     Oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of

 

     Regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

 

     Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll

 

     on a faulty heart.

 

     One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to

 

     Investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead

 

     In The punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to

 

     Hoist  aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'

 

                 Said...........................................

 

                               OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 07, 2009, 18:59:18
Growing a Boat

A woman was complaining to a friend that her husband was always repainting their wood boat.
The friend asked: "How many times could he have painted the boat? Twice? Three times?"

The wife said: "A lot more than that! When we bought the boat it was a nineteen foot speed boat. It's now a twenty-one foot cruiser!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 07, 2009, 19:06:21
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 10, 2009, 12:47:08
How about this?

Capn_cal, let me know if you need help!

 :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 10, 2009, 14:56:33
These are Taxing Times

Then there was the fellow who got in trouble with the IRS for deducting flood damage to his home on his tax return.

The government found out he lived on a houseboat!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 16:22:26
 :lol: Good one Aad, watt about this  ::)

Mercadies Blondes


There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercadies vehicle.They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The 1st blonde said," You need to try harder. It's starting to rain and the top is down!"



An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture.   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 10, 2009, 16:38:39
Keep Your Eye Out for Trouble

It was an aggressive poker game on the riverboat. The stakes were high and the one eyed man was winning big and often. The game went on for hours and the losers were getting very frustrated.

The age had long past when gamblers settled their disputes on the river by fighting. It was the time of the gentleman riverboat gambler to be otherwise was considered bad form!

Slowly standing, one of the gentlemen gamblers in a slow low tone said, "Far be it for me gentlemen to cast dispersions on any one person here. Understand gentlemen, I am not accusing anyone of cheating.
The fact that I'm loosing my shirt is not one person's fault.
However, if I lose one more hand because anyone decides to cheat, I swear gentlemen, I'll shoot out his other eye!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 10, 2009, 17:01:14
Help
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 10, 2009, 17:29:46
 :doh: we need a head shaking icon lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 10, 2009, 17:35:42
Even Worse

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on July 10, 2009, 17:49:18
What...

You don't get dressed up in your best clothes when you go shopping in a ASDA/Tesco...

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 18:30:29
(http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-575.gif)   HAHAHA   (http://planetsmilies.net)(http://planetsmilies.net/happy-smiley-575.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)

Why I Fired My Secretary
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 10, 2009, 18:44:00
Even Worse

 :doh:
i think in this joke it says that walmart is so exspensive that you have to dress up for it (that's what i think)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 10, 2009, 22:12:47
Some Old Habits Die Hard

The navy admiral retired and hired his orderly of over twenty five years to come with him. The admiral told the orderly that even though he would now work for him personally, his duties would be exactly the same as they were in the navy.

On the first morning of the admiral's retirement the orderly came into the admiral's room and woke him. Then the orderly slapped the admiral's sleeping wife on the behind saying, " Okay, honey, it's back onshore for you!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 22:23:09


One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 10, 2009, 22:48:13
is a rolex a fake arm?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 10, 2009, 22:50:38
How about this?

Capn_cal, let me know if you need help!

 :evil:
no explaining needed here, although that thing was maybe made by a blonde
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on July 10, 2009, 22:51:41
is a rolex a fake arm?

A watch (a expensive watch)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 10, 2009, 22:52:37
is a rolex a fake arm?

Capn_cal, let me know if you need help! :evil: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 11, 2009, 01:55:53
Guys, why don't we lay it off? So he asked for an explanations a few times, we all need help sometimes. :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 11, 2009, 02:56:05
A watch (a expensive watch)
ok
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 11, 2009, 02:56:43
Guys, why don't we lay it off? So he asked for an explanations a few times, we all need help sometimes. :-\
i don't reaally care and besides it's kinda funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 11, 2009, 03:05:52
i don't reaally care and besides it's kinda funny
And if you read the joke again, then you see the first ting he thinking about are NOT the arm but the clock  :doh: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 11, 2009, 09:44:29
What...

You don't get dressed up in your best clothes when you go shopping in a ASDA/Tesco...

 ;D

That's the joke!

 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 11, 2009, 17:24:55
The Oldest Captain

A reporter was interviewing a Tugboat Captain who was celebrating his 82nd birthday. He was the oldest captain on the river.
At the end of the interview the reporter said: "I would love to come back and see you again when you reach 90."
The captain said: "Don't see why not. You look healthy enough to make it !"

----------------------------------------------------

Those Techy Insects

Their first father and son fishing trip had ended late in the day.

The son was explaining his experience to his mother.

"Dad said that the only things biting were the mosquitoes."
Then, referring to the fireflies that came out later, he exclaimed: "When it got dark the mosquitoes started coming at us with little flashlights!"


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 13, 2009, 20:30:54
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 13, 2009, 22:33:37
The mess officer was upset because the sailors were not eating his bread. Some of the sailors complained that the bread was too hard. The officer said: "If the Mayflower crew on their voyage had that bread, they would have eaten it down to the last crumb."

A young sailor said: "I believe that, Sir, but this bread was fresher then!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 13, 2009, 23:15:09
as funny as ever aad, do you get your jokes from google?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 14, 2009, 02:35:32
 man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."



My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 14, 2009, 09:17:40
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....



'Look Paddy.....there's that  idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 13:23:13
 :doh: Wasnt expecting that lol I dont have any good ones  :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 14:12:24
thats good and capt.matt thats ok you'll probably of something :2thumbs: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 14:37:55
i took this picture and my sister made it look funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 14:48:16
Good One  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 14, 2009, 14:52:56
Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 15:40:59
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 14, 2009, 16:19:36
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 16:50:54
Haha hitman charges...we must have the best collection of jokes ever!! :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 14, 2009, 17:27:28
Five Scotsman in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Irish border-control.
Officer Angus orders them to stop.
"It's illegal to be with five people in an Audi Quattro. Quattro means four" is his comment.
"But Quattro is only the model of the car", replies the driver. "You can easy take five people in it. Would you see the papers?"
"I don't think that it would make any difference" says Angus, "You have five people in your Quattro, and that's against the law."
The driver becomes quite inpatient and says: "Could you please call your superiour officer? I would talk to someone who knows his business."
"Sorry," is  Angus's answer, "Officer Sean is busy at the moment with two Germans in a Fiat Uno".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 14, 2009, 19:37:40
lol, that was a great one Aad, same goes for all the other jokes :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on July 14, 2009, 19:40:03
You get those from google?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 14, 2009, 19:51:02
Nope, not from Google. I collect jokes as long as I can remember. Some are about 50 years old, maybe some are even older. Like this one. I heard this one, in a slighly different form, some 55 years ago:

It Takes a Gator!

A visitor from England while sitting at the dinner table of his Louisiana relative was informed: "Yep, we use alligator to make all our shoes and handbags".
Impressed, the visitor wrote home that evening: "Dearest Love, Clyde and Verna are a very nice couple and have a very nice home.
But there is something quite extraordinary. You won't believe what they can get alligators to do!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 14, 2009, 20:17:14
funny
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 15, 2009, 09:32:32
THE ULTIMATE IRISH JOKE


 Mick  and Paddy were walking home from the pub.  Mick  says to Paddy,
'  I can't be bothered to walk all dat  way.'
  'I  know,' says Paddy,

  'but  we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last Bus  home.'

 
  'We  could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick  suggests.

  They  arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get  a
bus  while He keeps a look-out.

  After  shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, '

  Paddy,  what are you doing?  Have you not found one  yet?'

  Paddy  shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

  'Oh  Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we'll walk from  the Roundabout.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 15, 2009, 15:35:38
funny  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 15, 2009, 15:43:26
Me Change?...I Don't Think So!

"Hi captain how's the fishing been lately?" asked the local barfly.
"Well mate, I'll tell ya. I lost $5,000 last month and $10,000 the month before that. I owe the bank more than I'll ever be able to pay back and half my crew left me because I haven't paid them in over a month."
"Blimey" , said the barfly, "why don't you sell your boat and get out?"
"That's crazy!" , said the captain, "I've got to make a living, don't I?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 16, 2009, 17:04:05
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
 
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
 
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her  'services' on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is doing business today.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 16, 2009, 17:07:36
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 16, 2009, 19:20:12
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 16, 2009, 19:23:40
Absent on Account of.....

An elderly gentleman came to the docked navy ship to see his grandson, Ensign Walker. After he approached the guard stationed at the gangway, the guard asked for the officer on duty. "This man is here to see Ensign Walker", explained the guard.

The officer on duty told the gentleman that Ensign Walker was not available and that he was on leave. Disappointed the grandfather left.

The guard commented to the officer that it was too bad that the ensign missed his grandfather. "Well, he certainly will be surprised" , said the officer, "The reason he gave on the request for the leave was to attend his grandfather's funeral."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 17, 2009, 12:40:58
Irish Medical Emergency

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence and after a minute:

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence and a minute later:

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until.

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat.  I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 17, 2009, 13:18:25
 :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 17, 2009, 14:55:20
:lol: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 17, 2009, 16:34:17
The Fast-Track to Success!

The commercial fisherman's daughter married a young man who didn't seem to be qualified to do anything. Concerned that the young man could not adequately care for his daughter, the father gave his new son-in-law half ownership in his very profitable fishing business.

One evening the fisherman, pleased with his own magnanimous gesture that assured his daughter's future, asked the young man if there was anything else he could do to help out the newlyweds. The young man said, " No thanks dude! I'm thinking of selling out and retiring!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 17, 2009, 19:41:31
good one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 17, 2009, 19:56:44
A novice fisherman was lost. Maneuvering his Jon Boat close to another fisherman's boat he shouted: "Excuse me sir, I promised my wife that I would be home on time and I'm afraid I don't know where I am. Can you help me?"

The other fisherman replied: "Sure, You are on a lake. You're in a Jon boat with a 20 HP gas outboard motor. You are between 35 and 36 degrees north latitude and between 80 and 81 degrees west longitude in about 18 feet of water."

"You must be a republican," said the novice.

"I am and proud of it," said the other fisherman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the novice, "everything you've told me may be technically correct, but certainly not responsive to the intent of my question and my current need. I have no idea what to make of what you just said and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all and now I'm going to be late getting home!"

The other fisherman responded: "You must be a democrat."

"I am and I'm proud of it," replied the novice, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the other fisherman, "you don't know where you are or how to get where you want to go. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you were lost and in danger of being late getting home before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 19, 2009, 18:48:47
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 19, 2009, 19:04:27
ROFLOL  ;D  ;D  ;D

Daddy Who?

Sailing from Island to Island in the Bahamas was a dream come true for the Walker family. At one of the many stops five year old Paula asked her mother, "What was the name of the last Island we visited?"

Her mother, busy with stowing a sail said, " I'm not sure dear, is it important?"

"Maybe" , said Paula, " I'm thinking it might be.

"Why do you think so?", asked her Mother.

" Because that's where Daddy got left behind!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 20, 2009, 01:25:46
Daddy, how was I born ?

Daddy, how was I born ?  Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!  Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 20, 2009, 01:53:36
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on July 20, 2009, 22:37:06
What would you get when tupac wasn't born in a ghetto, but would be an educated sailor instead???

TUG LIFE  :captain:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 20, 2009, 22:53:03
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on July 20, 2009, 23:03:05
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


HAHAHA :D really like that one!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 20, 2009, 23:22:52
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 20, 2009, 23:43:42
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 20, 2009, 23:49:31
Close Enough !


The Ship's Cook and the First Mate were in the process of interviewing a potential Assistant Cook candidate. Wanting to make sure that the ship's store would be in good hands and not wasted, they devised a test.

They asked the candidate, "If you had to make breakfast for six sailors and only had three eggs in the galley, how many more eggs would you have to pull from the ship's store?"

"Three", said the candidate.

The cook turned to the first mate and whispered, " He'll do fine. He only missed it by two!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 00:20:59
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

roflol
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


that golfer may go bankrupt!  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 21, 2009, 07:28:10
Close Enough !

"Three", said the candidate.

The cook turned to the first mate and whispered, " He'll do fine. He only missed it by two!"



Aad, sorry. I'm sure I'm being dense here, but I didn't get the punchline... ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 21, 2009, 09:12:37
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The
eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 21, 2009, 10:47:11
I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer ,puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 21, 2009, 11:02:35
Here are some police jokes, have fun :lol:

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 13:58:08
I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer ,puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


i liked the last one down better but still  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on July 21, 2009, 14:44:56
LMAO :P.... nice jokes man :P..
i hope i'll be called by a telemarketeer soon :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on July 21, 2009, 17:06:53
Better replace that with "LMAO" next time ;)


The coast guard, on a tight budget...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 20:34:26
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 21, 2009, 20:57:38
The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of coffee.
As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said: "It looks like rain."

Upset the cook yelled at the sailor: "For the last time, it's coffee!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 21, 2009, 21:22:33
lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 21, 2009, 21:51:09
The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of coffee.
As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said: "It looks like rain."

Upset the cook yelled at the sailor: "For the last time, it's coffee!"
rofl
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 21, 2009, 22:49:35
lol

lol

If you too don't have any jokes to add then you don't need to keep adding these spam posts. You can end up getting banned by a Moderator for this sort of thing. Please read the forum rules.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 21, 2009, 23:04:17
At the risk of making things worse  ::) Can I also suggest that should not mean quoting the entire 5 paragraphs of the post above, unless it is necessary to do so...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 21, 2009, 23:20:25
Stuart

Forgot to add that !! Really annoying waiting for it to load each time. We need Mr Marmite to have a look here!!

 :police: :police: :police: :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 22, 2009, 00:39:17
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 22, 2009, 10:04:37
Oldest driver!

(http://i32.tinypic.com/1z23dc7.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 22, 2009, 14:41:04
 ;D lol i like!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 22, 2009, 15:54:49
Oldest driver!

(http://i32.tinypic.com/1z23dc7.jpg)
i thought i've seen this before on this topic.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 22, 2009, 17:31:03
And this too?

(http://i27.tinypic.com/2cmksok.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 22, 2009, 17:36:02
Ok, bring it on! 8)
i looked at all the pages in this topic and i didn't see it,  (maybe it was in another topic)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 22, 2009, 19:59:17
Sit, Roach


"Hi sailor", said the barmaid, "you look like you're a little down."

"That I am, Lassie", said the sailor, "It saddens me to say that I serve under a very tough Captain!"

"That's a shame, Sweety, how bad does it get ?"

"Well lassie, recently I complained that there were roaches in me bunk. The captain gave me three demerits for keep'n pets!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 23, 2009, 02:22:37
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 23, 2009, 15:27:34
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Biggles1975 on July 23, 2009, 15:44:29
The last one was the best there TJK as for the first one i've heard other versions of that joke ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 23, 2009, 16:34:46
I am what I am

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain: "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain said: "Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."



I Am What I Am...honest!!

The Ship's doctor was interviewing a sailor who was, apparently, trying to get a medical discharged from the navy.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor.

"I believe I am a dog, woof - woof", responded the sailor.

"I see.", said the doctor, eyebrows raised, "How long has this been going on?"

"Ever since I was a puppy!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 24, 2009, 11:29:58
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.  So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.  "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey.  "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to engine number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant.  It's called 'Flying Scotsman."

"Oh.  Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey.  "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant.  "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey.  "So that's settled then..... let's look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost?  We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal."

"Well," said the consultant,  "We could always just paint out the 'F
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on July 24, 2009, 11:31:26
F lying Scotsman...

That is a great one  :thumbs:

Edit: Strikethrough not as clear...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RMSGreatBritain on July 24, 2009, 18:06:42
At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.  So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.  "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey.  "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to engine number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant.  It's called 'Flying Scotsman."

"Oh.  Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey.  "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant.  "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey.  "So that's settled then..... let's look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost?  We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal."

"Well," said the consultant,  "We could always just paint out the 'F


 :D lol love it :D so true so true........ ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 26, 2009, 14:25:56
My Bait is not your Bait

John went fishing one day but had no luck at all. He noticed that another fisherman near him was catching fish one after another. He had to know the secret. He approached the other fisherman and said: "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man said: "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good, you see I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that the human tonsil works very well as bait.

The next day, John returned to the lake and, just as the day before, he had no luck. There was a different man nearby having a great time catching fish.

John approached the man and asked: "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

"Well, I can tell you but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I am using a bit of human appendix as bait."

John left, thinking this was all very strange but vowed he would give the lake just one more try.

On the third day, John still had no luck. As usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish after fish.

John needed to confirm what he, by now, already knew. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man looked around acting a little embarrassed. "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good .

"Don't tell me," said John "your a doctor". "No," said the man, " I'm a Rabbi."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 26, 2009, 17:28:46
LOL, let's see if Capn_cal gets this one!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 26, 2009, 21:51:37
LOL, let's see if Capn_cal gets this one!
SPAM WARNING: £50 says he doesn't END SPAM WARNING
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 28, 2009, 19:59:28
Talk About Garrulous!**



A man and his wife went on a four-day luxury cruise. The wife was slightly more than garrulous. In fact, she never shut her mouth. She talked at breakfast, while they were lounging on deck, at lunch, at play, and all through the night. But the husband was used to this and accepted his lot in life.

On the fourth morning, the man and his wife were standing at the bow of the ship when a lurch caused the wife to fall overboard.

A crew member, seeing her bobbing up and down in the water, ran to the husband and said: "Sir, your wife has fallen overboard!

The husband said: "Oh, thank God, I thought I had just gone deaf!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**gar·ru·lous adj. 1. Given to excessive and often trivial or rambling talk; tiresomely talkative. 2. Wordy and rambling: a garrulous speech. [From Latin garrulus, from garrºre, to chatter.] --gar“ru·lous·ly adv. --gar“ru·lous·ness n.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 29, 2009, 01:44:17
A man was seeing this really nice woman, Lorraine. He gets a new secretary called Clearly. He takes a shine to Clearly and she rather likes him. Things progress...  ;)

But, being a decent bloke, he can't cheat on Lorraine with Clearly. So he thinks up several ways to tell her "it's over"... So, one day over lunch at a pub they go for a walk by a nearby river, when Lorraine falls in; The man tries to save her but then realises:

"I can see clearly now lorraine has gone"... (for those who don't get it, just think of the song)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 29, 2009, 02:26:17
lol nice one :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 29, 2009, 02:34:15
Love Tips By Kids
Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 29, 2009, 02:41:19
where in the world did you get that tore? that was really funny :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 29, 2009, 02:43:52
where in the world did you get that tore? that was really funny :2thumbs:
from a secret place, kids say so muts fun

watt about this then


A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 29, 2009, 03:37:43
yes very good! and do you get the jokes from google?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on July 29, 2009, 05:54:32
yes very good! and do you get the jokes from google?

nope not google
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 29, 2009, 10:19:17
A man was seeing this really nice woman, Lorraine. He gets a new secretary called Clearly. He takes a shine to Clearly and she rather likes him. Things progress...  ;)

But, being a decent bloke, he can't cheat on Lorraine with Clearly. So he thinks up several ways to tell her "it's over"... So, one day over lunch at a pub they go for a walk by a nearby river, when Lorraine falls in; The man tries to save her but then realises:

"I can see clearly now lorraine has gone"... (for those who don't get it, just think of the song)

Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on July 29, 2009, 10:22:58
Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!

 ;D

I hope capn_cal isn't offended by us, otherwise we'll have another "Shipfan55" with record breaking number of farewell topics. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 29, 2009, 10:24:02
No way, he likes a good joke!

 :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 29, 2009, 13:35:52
Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!
what thread?
;D

I hope capn_cal isn't offended by us, otherwise we'll have another "Shipfan55" with record breaking number of farewell topics. :doh:
no i ain't offended, i'm laughing to myself because these comments. i never heard of "Shipfan55"
No way, he likes a good joke!

 :2thumbs:
if your talking to me, yes i do  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 29, 2009, 16:42:54
lol :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 29, 2009, 17:42:28
Irishmen in an Aussie bar


A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.

'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'

'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'

'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'

'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.

'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'

'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'

'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'

'God in heaven. So was I.'

Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on July 29, 2009, 23:18:24
Good thing capn_cal didn't look that far up the thread Stuart!!

To be honest, it was such a bad 'joke' that I wouldn't have been offended if he didn't get it.

what thread? no i ain't offended, i'm laughing to myself because these comments. i never heard of "Shipfan55" if your talking to me, yes i do  :2thumbs:

[sarcasm]Oh dear. You poor soul[/sarcasm] :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on July 29, 2009, 23:28:09
i never heard of "Shipfan55"

OMG! :o  Shipfan55 was a very unique emo. It would be a shame to forget about such remarkable person!

Quick! Look here: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php?action=profile;u=10950;sa=showPosts
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 30, 2009, 13:12:31
How many ducks in this bag?


'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' said capn_cal

'That's near enough,' said Murphy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 30, 2009, 14:15:32
LOL :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 30, 2009, 17:48:41
lol :2thumbs: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: russ2112 on July 30, 2009, 18:40:34
hi ship fairing critters :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 30, 2009, 23:13:02
I'm learning Vietnamese


Draining his glass, capn_cal said, 'I must be off. I'm taking night school classes in Vietnamese.'

'Why so?' asked the bartender.

'Well, we've just adopted a Vietnamese baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up,' replied capn_cal
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 31, 2009, 00:57:07
as funny as it is, don't you think you are being a little mean against capn_cal?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 31, 2009, 00:58:42
 :2thumbs: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 31, 2009, 01:08:10
as funny as it is, don't you think you are being a little mean against capn_cal?
i really don't care if mike does or not, either way it's funny  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on July 31, 2009, 01:14:03
ah good to know, now we'll probably end up with hundreds of capn_cal jokes
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on July 31, 2009, 01:16:44
yes that would be funny, minime  :P ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on July 31, 2009, 02:22:05
You are going to be famous, CC! What do you think of that? I take it Princess Anne will be proud! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on July 31, 2009, 09:22:29
Gotta' say...I wet myself laughing with this one:

'What was all the crashing and banging?' asked Mulligan.

'The train ran over a cow,' said the ticket collector.

'Was it on the line?' said Mulligan.

'No, we had to chase it up the embankment but we got it eventually,' said the railman.

Jack :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on July 31, 2009, 14:57:49
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jazzy01 on August 04, 2009, 20:39:40
Paddy and murphy park their car and realise they have locked the keys inside.

Paddy says " we could get a hanger and try to unlock it or prize it open"

Murphy replies " well whatever we do we better do it quick because its starting to rain and the roofs still down"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 04, 2009, 23:40:56
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 05, 2009, 00:17:44
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jazzy01 on August 05, 2009, 09:28:02
WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
 
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours' daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely,
Sheila

 
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine...
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
 
WALTER
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 05, 2009, 16:33:56
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall...."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 05, 2009, 16:35:34
Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 05, 2009, 16:43:22
Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?
if he is, he must be doing a very good job  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 05, 2009, 16:48:25
if he is, he must be doing a very good job  ;D

Lucky for you that Mike is on cruise at the moment! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 06, 2009, 04:36:58
who was the funniest man in the bible? samson, he brought the house down
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 08, 2009, 18:58:38
Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?
It's nice to be missed  :evil: , but actual, I was on a short vacation to Germany's most twisted river, The Moselle.
Jokes will follow soon.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 08, 2009, 21:39:42
It's nice to be missed  :evil: , but actual, I was on a short vacation to Germany's most twisted river, The Moselle.
Jokes will follow soon.
hi aad how have you been?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 09, 2009, 15:31:35
Fresh back from vacation here is a new one:

Time and Time Again


A doctor, examining the first mate, asked: "When was the last time you had relations with a woman?
The first mate replied: "About 1960."

The doctor was more than a little surprised and said: "That was a long time ago!"

The first mate said: "Tell me about it, doc. It's already 1300 hours on the day after."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 12, 2009, 22:05:25
HHHMMMM strange. My mailbox told me there was a reply to this topic at 07:05 this very morning by TJK, but here is nothing.
Well, another Joke than:

Two Blondes in a Boat...Almost!


There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde: "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 12, 2009, 22:50:34
I know I've seen that one before. It even was by TJK.

( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg187502.html#msg187502 )
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on August 12, 2009, 22:52:34
I know I've seen that one before. It even was by TJK.

( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg187502.html#msg187502 )
well then i find a new one then lol  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on August 12, 2009, 22:54:34

Star Trek Vs Microsoft



Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 13, 2009, 16:48:49
Back from a cruise with a new joke:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 13, 2009, 16:57:58
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 13, 2009, 16:58:40
Old Beyond His Years

From the dock the woman watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him: "Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?"
"Well," he said, "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.
Wow, that's amazing, "the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?"
He answered: "Thirty-one"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 13, 2009, 17:13:37
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 17, 2009, 22:25:44
Coffee, Tea or ??

The swabbie could hardly swallow the liquid in the cup. He called over to the cook and said: "This coffee is sort of funny. It tastes like cocoa."

The cook grabbed the cup, took a sip, made a face and said: "No wonder. I gave you tea!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 10:06:13
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on August 24, 2009, 13:52:15
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2009, 15:54:54
Two Step Fishing


Two elderly fishermen, John and Paul, were out on the lake bright and early one morning.
They sat silently as they fished.
Each kept very still so as not to frighten off any fish.
After six hours, John shifted his feet.
Paul said: "What is it with you? Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 16:53:22
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2009, 18:24:37
One Step at a Time !!


The Captain of the Cruise Liner fell down the stairs on to the Promenade Deck.
The Cruise Director saw him fall and rushed to his aid. "Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?"

"No," said the Captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bsm2003 on August 24, 2009, 20:09:59
 Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."*
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2009, 20:35:16
ROFLOL

Crab Legs Anyone ??

An experiment took place on a student science research boat. A young student was studying a crab.
In order to understand better the crab's motor capabilities, he tore off two walking legs and placed a piece of tasty bait in front of the crab. The crab crawled to the bait and devoured it. He then tore off two more legs and again placed some bait on front of the crab. Once again the crab crawled to the bait and ate it.

Finally the student removed the last two walking legs and again placed the bait. The crab, this time, never moved.

The student, very excited, reported his initial findings to his instructor.

"If all of a crustacean's legs are removed it either loses it's eye site or appetite; more information to come!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 24, 2009, 20:37:27
LOL!  Good one!  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:54:44
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 24, 2009, 22:55:34
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


That has to be the best witness/attorney joke yet  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:56:43
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 24, 2009, 22:57:48
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?



I may stand corrected  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:58:57
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:  He's twenty, much like your IQ.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 24, 2009, 23:41:54
That has to be the best witness/attorney joke yet  :thumbs:
I take it this is the ONLY witness/attorney joke then?  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 25, 2009, 12:36:53
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.

After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"

______________________________________

A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"

______________________________________

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.

    "There you are, my dear," said the mother.  "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

    "Oh yes," came the reply.  "She sells candy."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 25, 2009, 17:32:59
I take it this is the ONLY witness/attorney joke then?  ::)

Sorry few more yet!!

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:  Take a guess.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 25, 2009, 17:58:23
Big Bad John

Paula and John were walking along the shore, their souls intertwined in great love.
John gazed out to sea and said poetically: "Blue Ocean, roll out...roll out to the setting sun!"

Paula clasped her hands together. "Oh John," she shrieked, "it's doing it!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on August 26, 2009, 13:40:32
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

A: Anyone can roast beef.  :P

__________________________________

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 26, 2009, 13:48:07
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:  Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 26, 2009, 16:41:09
Boater's Blessing Then.... & Then This !!


A Boater's Blessing from Yesteryears:

May there always be water under your boat,
May she always be seaworthy, ever afloat,
May the bilge pump be certain to work night and day,
May the compass and charts always show the safe way,
May you find gentle harbor as every day ends,
May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends.


A Boater's Blessing from Today:

May your out drive be saved after hitting that rock,
May your bow be rebuilt after ramming that dock,
May you find that new Rolex that fell overboard,
May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord,
May FeBreeze mask that musty smell under your berth,
May you someday owe less than the darn boat is worth.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 26, 2009, 16:44:58
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 26, 2009, 18:06:05
The Beach is Now Open


A man who had never been to the ocean before finally went to the beach for the experience.
Afraid to go into the water, he asked the lifeguard if he could bring him a bucket of sea water so that he could wet himself a little.
Over a period of two hours, the lifeguard brought him over two dozen buckets of sea water.
Grateful, the man gave the lifeguard a ten dollar tip.

Returning the next day for more sun, the man happened to arrive at low tide.
Looking around he said to the lifeguard: "You've been doing a lot of business!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 26, 2009, 23:07:19
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 26, 2009, 23:26:23
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!


A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings. :thumbs:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 26, 2009, 23:40:47
And the Winner is ...

A man orders a lobster in a restaurant. The waiter returns with his order, but the crustacean has a broken claw.
The man asked what happened. The waiter said: "It must have been in a fight."
"Good," said the man, "now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2009, 09:37:39
A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings. :thumbs:


Glad you enjoyted that, here is a new one:-



It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.   

"What are my choices?"  the man asked.

"Yes or no," she  replied.   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2009, 16:18:57
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:  Oral.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on August 27, 2009, 16:38:14
The Belgians are getting tired of waiting for the Dutch to keep their promise and dredge the Westerschelde, the gateway to Antwerp..
So today they published this game, to show how hard it is.. ;D  (use the space-bar)

http://www.vandaag.be/scheldeverdieping/
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2009, 17:29:02
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on August 27, 2009, 21:29:24
The Belgians are getting tired of waiting for the Dutch to keep their promise and dredge the Westerschelde, the gateway to Antwerp..
So today they published this game, to show how hard it is.. ;D  (use the space-bar)

http://www.vandaag.be/scheldeverdieping/
is the game suppose to mean it's hard or impossible?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 27, 2009, 21:39:27
is the game suppose to mean it's hard or impossible?

I think it is suppose to be impossible
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 27, 2009, 22:50:14
Everything I Need to Know About Life,
I Learned from Noah's Ark

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. ! It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were onboard with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 29, 2009, 16:58:59
A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings. :thumbs:


And a BAD one is still not funny before being repeated...  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 29, 2009, 17:13:34
Practice Makes Perfect !


At dinner during the cruise a man who had earned his reputation among the crew as an obnoxious snob was being served by a waiter named Paul.
Unfortunately, Paul managed to splash some wine on the table.

The man stood, faced the waiter and shouted: "You're not fit to serve a pig!"

Paul , giving into temptation responded: "You're absolutely right sir and I do apologies.
I'm in "Pig Serving Training" and in that regard, you're really helping me improve my skills."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 29, 2009, 17:16:04
A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Walmart but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing  assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The  assistant replied, "  I'm afraid not, they're dead."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 30, 2009, 16:05:32
I Did What ?!!

Two sailors after a wild night found that there was some disagreement as to the actual events.

To settle the argument and the wager that ensued, they searched out the only convent in town.

Upon their arrival, they asked the Mother Superior if the convent had any midget nuns.
 
Shocked the Mother Superior suggested that they return directly to their ship for none of her sister nuns were midgets and she found no humor in their question.

Leaving the convent one sailor exclaimed to his smirking friend: "I can't believe it. Did I spent the whole night dancing with a penguin?!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: siso7 on August 30, 2009, 21:50:48
The only tool you'll ever need ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 30, 2009, 23:07:21
Unintended Results

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 31, 2009, 22:01:10
WHOLE POINTLESS POST REMOVED.

Just because its Fred, doesn't mean I'll let ANY moderator have the last word on ME!! ;D


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 31, 2009, 22:46:17
I assume that those asterixes (*) are in place of "not suitable for 7 years old child words"?
Right?
Well, this is a thread also read by kids. So, I assume that Your version is the "adult" one.

Anyhow, this one is:

Buyer Beware

A tourist stopped off in a small New England fishing village.
At a roadside stand he looked over some lobsters for sale.
He said to the stand owner: "They are very small."
The stand owner said: "I guess"
However, the man's appetite got the better if him, he ordered two lobsters and had them boiled in the cauldron in the stand.
As he started to eat them, the tourist said: "These lobsters are tasteless!"
The stand owner responded: "Good thing they're small."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 31, 2009, 22:49:57
I assume that those asterixes (*) are in place of "not suitable for 7 years old child words"?
Right?
Well, this is a thread also read by kids. So, I assume that Your version is the "adult" one.

Interesting that when someone puts *** in their post - all mods like wolves are rushing to that topic & giving a warning, etc.  When Stu puts *** in his posts (which he's doing that quite frequently now) - all mods are silent.  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 31, 2009, 23:15:33
Interesting that when someone puts *** in their post - all mods like wolves are rushing to that topic & giving a warning, etc.  When Stu puts *** in his posts (which he's doing that quite frequently now) - all mods are silent.  :P

Point out to me where mods have acted like that? I think you will find that they only take action when the actual word is present and NOT the ****s

If this is a problem for you then please feel free to press the 'report to moderator' button below.

Or you can keep going through all my posts *trying* to find fault... Do NOT worry I won't be doing the same to you as I don't have time.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 31, 2009, 23:18:35
How about getting back on topic with Jokes, keep the slanging match to PM's please.

 :police: :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 31, 2009, 23:19:30
How about getting back on topic with Jokes, keep the slanging match to PM's please.

 :police: :police:

Fair point. Sorry chaps.   :angel:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 31, 2009, 23:43:30
Geez WM, can I get the time to actually come over and do so..?  :doh:

Seriously Stu, I do also edit self censored stuff. Cause if you have to censor it, it's allready known to you that you are going to post something that's not fit for 7 year olds. It's the intention, more than the actual word. Abbreviations and such I regard in a similar fashion.


Back on topic: any good jokes?


Fred.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 31, 2009, 23:46:40
Will this one pass??


The End is Nearer Than You Think !!


A local Priest and a Rabbi were fishing on a bank on the side of a road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying: "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on August 31, 2009, 23:49:47
 :thumbs: Aad has an unlimited joke library  :2thumbs: This thread always gives me a smile :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 31, 2009, 23:57:37
Geez WM, can I get the time to actually come over and do so..?  :doh:

Seriously Stu, I do also edit self censored stuff. Cause if you have to censor it, it's allready known to you that you are going to post something that's not fit for 7 year olds. It's the intention, more than the actual word. Abbreviations and such I regard in a similar fashion.


Back on topic: any good jokes?


Fred.

Congratulations & welcome on my side, Fred!  :thumbs:   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on September 01, 2009, 02:52:15
Wave that doesnt look like a joke to me :police:

my list of jokes 100 my list of approiate jokes Uhm 0  :evil:  :doh: Kidding Kidding (to some extent)

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't.  He just walked in the door.'

Thats approiate right?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on September 01, 2009, 11:57:54
Here are some short ones


Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you tease fruit?

A. Banananananananana!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?

A. Because he wanted to work over-time!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?

A. Because he wanted to see time fly!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school?

A. He has a lot of ketchup time!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?

A. He couldn't concentrate!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?

A. Tomato Paste!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A. Because his parents were in a jam!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?

A. Patty!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?

A. A deviled egg!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?

A. A turkey!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 01, 2009, 21:52:40
What Happened !?

A small child slipped and fell overboard.
A man swooped over the rail of the liner into the water and saved the child.
Coming back on board, the man who had saved the child was cheered by the other passengers.
The captain asked the man: "Is there anything I can do for you?"
The man answered: "Yep, can you tell me who pushed me overboard?!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capn_cal on September 02, 2009, 21:59:46
Wave that doesnt look like a joke to me :police:

my list of jokes 100 my list of approiate jokes Uhm 0  :evil:  :doh: Kidding Kidding (to some extent)

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't.  He just walked in the door.'

Thats approiate right?
don't quite get it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on September 02, 2009, 22:00:35
don't quite get it

The bloke who went under the table wasn't husband, but another one who did walk in was... (affair...)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 02, 2009, 22:50:03
don't quite get it

capn_cal's comments are almost as funny as the jokes, except that they are always the same!

 :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 02, 2009, 23:00:13
capn_cal's comments are almost as funny as the jokes, except that they are always the same!

 :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:

I thought I'll PM you with the link...   But you were enough fast without that! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on September 02, 2009, 23:01:21
Poor Capn_Cal
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 02, 2009, 23:06:44
Poor Capn_Cal

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ROTFLOL

 :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 02, 2009, 23:06:54
I hope capn_cal isn't offended by us, otherwise we'll have another "Shipfan55" with record breaking number of farewell topics. :doh:

No way, he likes a good joke!

 :2thumbs:

no i ain't offended, i'm laughing to myself because these comments. i never heard of "Shipfan55"

See?  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on September 02, 2009, 23:08:32
See?  ;D

Yes
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 02, 2009, 23:25:35
Who is Yourr favorite Joke of the Week Poster?
How it works:
Don't look for the answers yet. If you do, there's no fun at it.
If needed take a pen and paper or a calculator.

1) take a number between 1 and 9

2)  multiply that number by 3

3) add 3 and multiply by 3 again (take a calculator if needed)

4) if all went well you got a two digit number


5) add those two numbers

Now scroll for the answers.




















 
You've found your favorite Joke of the Day Poster behind the number you just calculated.

1 CaptainMike1

2 bsm 2003

3 TJK

4 IRI5HJ4CK

5 thassos

6 TerryRussell

7 Mad_Fred

8 saltydog

9 Aad The Pirate (You know it's true, so don''t fiddle with the numbers)

10 ABCRic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 02, 2009, 23:27:20
Seriously Stu, I do also edit self censored stuff. Cause if you have to censor it, it's allready known to you that you are going to post something that's not fit for 7 year olds. It's the intention, more than the actual word. Abbreviations and such I regard in a similar fashion.

Apologies Fred. I wasn't aware of this. Now I am.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 02, 2009, 23:39:10
Congratulations & welcome on my side, Fred!  :thumbs:   
I don't think he's on your side. He's not on my side. He's just being a moderator. Now lets just drop this like others have suggester, yes?

Sorry all. I wouldn't make that a public comment, but I can't seem to send PMs to this 'gentleman'.

Now, drop it and get back on topic. Ta.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on September 02, 2009, 23:59:02
Apologies Fred. I wasn't aware of this. Now I am.

No harm done, Stu!!   :thumbs:


There's indeed no 'sides' to it, either. Just trying to keep it all suited for all ages.  :)


Fred
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on September 03, 2009, 11:27:51
Who is Yourr favorite Joke of the Week Poster?
How it works:
Don't look for the answers yet. If you do, there's no fun at it.
If needed take a pen and paper or a calculator.

1) take a number between 1 and 9

2)  multiply that number by 3

3) add 3 and multiply by 3 again (take a calculator if needed)

4) if all went well you got a two digit number


5) add those two numbers

Now scroll for the answers.




















 
You've found your favorite Joke of the Day Poster behind the number you just calculated.

1 CaptainMike1

2 bsm 2003

3 TJK

4 IRI5HJ4CK

5 thassos

6 TerryRussell

7 Mad_Fred

8 saltydog

9 Aad The Pirate (You know it's true, so don''t fiddle with the numbers)

10 ABCRic

Ohhhhhhhhhh Aad  :doh: :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 03, 2009, 14:47:22
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 03, 2009, 15:08:40
:lol:

That's one of the funniest cartoons I've seen lately  ;D ;D

My Fellow Boaters !!


A charter sailing vessel with a load of politicians was halfway to the Bahamas when a freak storm hit the boat. Several of the passengers were thrown overboard and drowned. After the retrieval of the bodies and with the knowledge that the rest of them may not be rescued for some time, if ever, the deceased were buried at sea.

Three days later, the local Coast Guard found the damaged craft. Upon boarding, the Coast Guard Captain asked: "Is everyone okay?" The Captain of the damaged vessel explained that he had a few passengers fall overboard.

The Coast Guard Captain asked: "Are they all dead?"

The other captain replied: "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 03, 2009, 16:00:32
 :lol: hahahaha
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 03, 2009, 16:47:33
enough with the capn_cal puns..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 03, 2009, 16:59:58
Any thoughts on whether capn_cal will get this one??

I don't think capn_cal does politics, hence he probably won't get that joke. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 03, 2009, 17:03:33
enough with the capn_cal puns..

I couldn't agree more. Enough is enough, so let's use this topic where it's intended for:
Jokes, Jokes, and nothing else.


Captain to Captain !

The captain of the fishing vessel "Mistress" had a long-standing rivalry with his counterpart Captain of the "Maiden Mist".

After a near collision racing back to port one day, the Captain of the Mistress berated the Maiden Mist Captain on the dock in front of the both crews and all those passing by.

"You're and idiot!" Yelled the Captain. "You were always an idiot. You'll always be an idiot!"

The crew members stood in amazement at what they were seeing and hearing.

The Captain continued: "If they had an idiot contest you would come in second place."

At this the Captain of the Maiden Mist saw an opportunity to gain the upper hand.

"You're so stupid you can't even insult me without messing up." Laughing and looking around at the crewmen he continued: "You should have said, if they had an idiot contest I would come in first place."

"What I said is what I meant, you would come in second place."

More than a little bemused the Maiden Mist Captain asked: "Why second Place?"

"I told you; because, you're an idiot!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 03, 2009, 17:08:44
 :lol: that a good one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 08, 2009, 00:26:02
No wonder, it turns out that Aad is indeed a great poster of jokes.  ;D


A special thanks to TJK for the great idea.  :thumbs:

Can you not just drop this now? You do your thing and I will do mine. It is not fair to make other people read these exchanges. If you make any more such comments publically, I shall just report them as spam.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 08, 2009, 00:30:14
Can you not just drop this now?

It was dropped many days ago - 3.09.  I wonder why you're still raising it?   Or it's just because you don't want others to have the last word on you, like you're usually saying?    ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 08, 2009, 09:05:02
Jokes, Gentleman. Jokes, please.

Smell That?



After a very sucessful fishing trip, a huge shipment of sardines was warehoused. Because the warehouse bill wasn't paid, the warehouse owner sold the sardines to a friend. As word came out that the price of fish was about to skyrocket, the warehouse owner, correcting his mistake, bought back the sardines at a higher price. This began an endless round of buying and selling, with the price going higher and higher. After the tenth transaction between the two men, the friend thought it might be a good idea to sample the merchandise and see what they had.

A can was opened. The sardines were dreadful-bony, skimpy, and drenched in an acrid oil. The friend, upset, told the warehouse owner, who responded: "Look, these sardines aren't for eating. They're for buying and selling! "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 08, 2009, 10:16:37
Siamese  twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar 
stool.

One of them says to the landlord: 'Don't  mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. 
"Two  Molson Canadian draft  beers  please. 

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make  polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
"Been on  holiday yet, lads?
"Off to  England next month, says John. "We go to England every year and
hire a car and  drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim  agrees.

"Ah,  England! says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the  culture...'

"Nah, we  don't like all that British stuff,' says John. "Hamburgers &
Molsons draft  beer, that's us, eh Jim? "We can't stand the English!'

"So why  keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.

"It's  the only chance Jim gets to drive...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 08, 2009, 16:49:29
ROFLOL

Get Ready, Fire, Aim !!
 


"Foghorn blaring, the Coast Guard Cutter YOCONA inched its way through a dense fog on a Search and Rescue mission. With the aid of radar and extra lookouts in the bow, we picked our way through a fleet of small fishing boats that straddled our quarry- a becalmed 28-foot yawl whose auxiliary engine refused to start.

Suddenly the crack of a rifle being fired in slow cadence broke the silence and small geysers began erupting just off our bow. We immediately recalled our lookouts to the safety of the wheelhouse and shortly thereafter took the disabled craft in tow.

Later, when I boarded the boat to inspect for safety equipment and collect information for a report, I saw a .30 caliber Springfield rifle in the cockpit and asked the woman I was interviewing if it had been fired.
She said her husband had fired it to attract attention when he heard the foghorn. Then she added: "I wanted to fire it too, but he wouldn't let me". He said: "You have to aim it just right so you can fire it at the sound without hitting anyone".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 12, 2009, 13:31:52
African Road Sign!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 12, 2009, 16:14:53
Earning Your Place !!


The Anchorage Alaska fishing boat crew decided they were going to have some fun with the new rookie crew member so they came up with a three-step initiation.

Anxious to become one of the guys the rookie asked what he'd have to do.
"Three things," he was told.
1st: You've got to drink a quart of straight whiskey.
2nd: Hug an Eskimo girl for three hours without her parents catching you.
3rd: Shoot a full-grown grizzly bear.

The new crewmate immediately downed the whiskey and set out into the cold night with a wild look in his eyes.

Three hours later he was back, his clothes torn and scratches all over his body. "Okay, okay!" he reported. "Where's that Eskimo girl I'm supposed to shoot?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 12, 2009, 16:30:02
While I sat  in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.  Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel.  My mom makes me ride in a stroller too.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 12, 2009, 21:11:00
And You Are ?

Returning from a trip overseas on a giant ocean liner, Markowitz was placed at a table with another man. The man, a Frenchman, nodded and said: "Bon appetit."  Markowitz nodded back and said: "Markowitz"

For several days the ritual was repeated. One afternoon, Markowitz mentioned it to another passenger. The other passenger said: "It's not what you think. 'Bon appetit' is the French way of telling you to enjoy your meal.'

At dinner that evening, Markowitz came in, nodded, and said: "Bon appetit." The Frenchman rose and answered: "Markowitzi"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 13, 2009, 21:55:20
It's still a classic.. ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Minime on September 14, 2009, 00:17:49
oh yeah, one of the best ever!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on September 14, 2009, 12:19:04
I love that one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 14, 2009, 13:32:59
That a good one  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 14, 2009, 15:44:25
It's still a classic.. ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
And about 3 times repeated  :evil:

Bread for the Captain !


The new cook was nervous when he heard that he was serving the captain this week!
An experienced cook told the new cook: "He loves food and your service is very important, but most of all he loves bread. You'll know you're in real trouble if he starts rhyming."

Wanting to make a good first impression the new cook, on the first day, brought the captain two very thick slices of bread with the meal, which the captain devoured.
He told the cook: "The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine."

The next day the cook brought the captain four slices of bread and was surprised to receive the same response!
"The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine."

The day after that, six slices were placed before the captain. The captain still complained and what was most annoying, he was still rhyming!

Finally, anxious to please the captain, the cook took a GIANT loaf of bread, cut it in half, and placed it before the captain.
The captain looked at the bread then the cook and said:
"The food looks fine but I fear we have a crisis,
your bread service has slipped by going back to two slices!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 14, 2009, 17:37:20
Reminds me of a story my father told me about his time as a cadet with Houlders in about 1920, after a couple of days at sea, in the officers mess the cook served meat loaf. The Captain picked up a carving knife and asked the two cadets which part they would like, both said they diddn't mind and so the Captain cut the loaf in two and said 'Me and the mate, we like the ends'!!

New joke  An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.   I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on September 14, 2009, 18:06:42
Hahaha thats a good one Mike :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 16, 2009, 10:06:49
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple ' s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 16, 2009, 13:29:26
To Each Thier Own

The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!"
The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm.
The sailor stared as the First Mate and smiled: "There were a lot of them weren't there sir?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 16, 2009, 17:54:33
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 16, 2009, 18:28:15
SPLENDID

Here's To Your Health

The three fisherman were shocked when an angel appeared in the boat. The angel said: "I would like to do something nice for each of you".

The first fisherman spoke up: "I have suffered with back pain for years". The angel touches the man's back and he felt instant relief.

The second fisherman said: "I am nearly blind without my glasses! The angel took off his glasses and threw them out of the boat. The instant they hit the water the man's eyesight cleared to the point of perfect.

The angel turned towards the third fisherman who was half out of the boat. As he hit the water he cried: "Don't touch me - it took me two year to get on disability!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 16, 2009, 18:44:27
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 16, 2009, 23:09:04
 :2thumbs:



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 17, 2009, 09:48:10
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she a good gardener?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 17, 2009, 17:48:46
Can You Fix Me ?

The seaman was suffering from a bad cold and begs the Ship's Doctor for some relief.
The Doc prescribed a few pills but after a week the seaman was still ill.
So the Doctor gave the seaman several shots with no result.
"Okay, this is what I want you to do, "said the doctor. Go to the the bow of the ship. Take off your shirt and lean into the freezing mist for thirty minutes.
I'll do it sir but aren't you afraid I'll catch Pneumonia?"
"Maybe," said the Doctor, "but at least I know how to cure that!"  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 17, 2009, 17:50:17
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor .. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 18, 2009, 10:37:29
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 18, 2009, 11:08:16
Pun Fishing

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.
Remarked one of the fisherman: "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on September 19, 2009, 08:42:04
Murphy marched into the library and told the librarian "I've got a complaint about a book I took out last week. It has way too many characters and there is no plot at all".

The librarian said: "Are you the person who took our phone directory...?" :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 19, 2009, 10:00:04
Murphy marched into the library and told the librarian "I've got a complaint about a book I took out last week. It has way too many characters and there is no plot at all".

The librarian said: "Are you the person who took our phone directory...?" :lol: :D

Great one Jack, good thing it wasn't Yellow Pages!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 19, 2009, 12:05:55
Let's Play Pretend !

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential recruit. To determine the young man's response to looming trouble, the psychiatrist asked: " Imagine looking out the window right now and seeing an enemy battleship coming down the street. What would you do?"

The recruit scoffed: " It's a city street! No ship could make it anywhere near here!

"Come on, use your imagination!" snapped the psychiatrist.

"Okay", said the recruit, "I guess I would sink it with a torpedo.

"And just where would you get the torpedo?", asked the frustrated psychiatrist.

"I imagine I would get it from the same place we got the battleship."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on September 19, 2009, 13:32:44
Let's Play Pretend !

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential recruit. To determine the young man's response to looming trouble, the psychiatrist asked: " Imagine looking out the window right now and seeing an enemy battleship coming down the street. What would you do?"

The recruit scoffed: " It's a city street! No ship could make it anywhere near here!

"Come on, use your imagination!" snapped the psychiatrist.

"Okay", said the recruit, "I guess I would sink it with a torpedo.

"And just where would you get the torpedo?", asked the frustrated psychiatrist.

"I imagine I would get it from the same place we got the battleship."


Great!

If it was me i would have waved!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 21, 2009, 23:51:50
Building a Solid Base !!

A sailor, ran aground on a sandbar. A passing fisherman offered to tow the sailor's boat off the bar for fifty dollars and the sailor agreed.

After he was off the bar, the sailor joked that at at $50 a pop the fisherman could make a nice living pulling people off the sandbar day and night.

"Can't at night,” replied the fisherman. “At night I haul sand.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 24, 2009, 22:34:31
AAADD

 
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.... .PLEASE READ!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it.
 
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!   :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on September 25, 2009, 08:59:36
hahaha nice one  ;D :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Tomaten on September 25, 2009, 17:48:57
dont know if anyone already posted this:
I love it  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U33Xg91HAlo
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: siso7 on September 25, 2009, 18:42:16
I have heard that joke, but never watched it, absolutly brilliant!  :2thumbs:

"This is a lighthouse, your call" :doh:  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on September 25, 2009, 23:02:25
here are a blond joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPlqhw8AoQI&NR=1
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on September 26, 2009, 22:30:49
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on September 27, 2009, 10:21:28
Don't know if you've seen this one already;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib43gpKTxjs

i think it's stupid :P but also funny :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkqKpnU8sCE&NR=1

smart sailors

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYFzThXrELw&feature=related
nice helicopter on deck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bzq1AtyV8Tg
Some things that could happen to vermaas also

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg1mZRXvvoo
Which bridge is stronger??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gdc3AVLLtww
the funiest one :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on September 27, 2009, 10:31:54
For the passengerships lovers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dOPdTYLN6w&NR=1
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on September 27, 2009, 10:41:57
The stupidest ship accident I've ever seen!  :doh:
That's true ;).. haha.. the guy on the bridge from "the bridge" not the ship, had medication, and thought the ship had passed already, which made him close the bridge to soon..
dumb...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 27, 2009, 17:39:31
Ahoy ALL,
In case you've forgotten: This is the Joke Of The Day thread. For funny videos is another one. ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,13172.msg159137.html#msg159137 )

Regards
Aad the Pirate

I Met My Match !!

 

After the boat was pulled into the dock, a stunningly beautiful woman disembarked with a parrot on her shoulder.

“Where did you get that?” asked one of the dock hands.

“Met her online,” replied the parrot.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on September 27, 2009, 17:47:14
A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local zoo.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. He’s obviously quite excited about the man’s pretty wife in the wavy, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. The wife obliges.

Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. Now, Mr. Gorilla is about ready to tear the bars down in excitement. The husband further encourages his wife to lift her dress to show a little leg. This, too, drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

The husband quickly grabs his wife, rips open the door to the gorilla cage, slings her in with the ape and exclaims, "Now, try telling HIM you have a headache!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 29, 2009, 22:02:54
One Step, Two Step, Slide  :doh:

Two sailors meet each other on a pier.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
One points to his foot and says, "Pearl Harbor, World War II!"
The other points and says, "Seagull droppings, 20 feet back!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 04, 2009, 21:19:55
Swine Flu

To avoid it... 
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
Go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't,  keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach. 
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...
I walk to the pub. (exercise) 
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit) 
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) 
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air) 
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress) 
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, Flu germs can't get you!
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 04, 2009, 21:37:45
And most important: don't forget to take your Marmite every day..  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 05, 2009, 20:28:38
If you are a senior you will understand this one,
if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better,
and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The  $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.   
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
 
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been  around the block more than once!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 12, 2009, 15:48:56
Warning, Warning, Warning !!

Posted on the ship's Bulletin board:

Due to the increased reports of excessive alcohol consumption the ship's doctor issues theses warnings.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering while your shipmates are trying to sleep.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your shipmates over and over again that you love them.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that every lover in every port is dying for you to call at four in the morning.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can dance and that falling down is part of that process.

Dire Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are actually smarter than the captain.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 19, 2009, 17:45:53
Before this topic dies a silent death: Here's another one:

Sinking Tag Line
Late one foggy night two boaters collide head-on while trying to navigate a narrow inlet channel. Both their boats were damaged, disabled and slowly sinking.

As they each watched their boats slowly slip away beneath them, the first boater said: "You know, this is a sign that we should never take life for granted and that we should live it to the fullest".

"You are right," said the other boater as he opened a cooler and pulled out a bottle of bourbon whisky. Let's drink to living well for the rest of our lives.

The first boater took the bottle and, after a big swig, handed it back to the other boater who in turn quickly threw it into the river.

More than a little surprised the first boater exclaimed: "You didn't take a drink!?"

"Naw", said the other boater "I think I'll just wait for the Coast Guard to show up."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 19, 2009, 17:47:58
Navy Catches and Then Releases Terrorist

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ABCRic on October 19, 2009, 20:01:01
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 20, 2009, 09:52:23
"Painting job"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on October 20, 2009, 09:56:22
ROFL
Hahahaha :lol: :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 20, 2009, 10:01:35
Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor´s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left ear and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You´re not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I´m actually a blonde."

"I thought so" the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 20, 2009, 18:28:52
You're Not Alone Sailor

"Why such long face John?" asked the other seaman.

"I don't know," said John "maybe It's just that we have been at sea for so long and I'm so depressed I cant seem to do anything right. Most of the time I feel so alone and useless!"

Smiling and nodding in an understanding way, the other seaman said: "John, I don't know if this helps but let me assure you; you are not alone. Most of us on the ship feel you're useless too."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Jeff123 on October 20, 2009, 22:33:21
A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."
LOL! I agree their help is useless. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 20, 2009, 23:31:43
The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
....AND... 
A Squirrel


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.


Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.


So think carefully . . ...
Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?


Now scroll down to see the analysis.


:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:


If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're thick.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.



A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. 



Obviously you're stressed and overworked..
You should take some time off and relax
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on October 20, 2009, 23:44:25
No, you don't!     
I did asked what does the banana has to do with coconut tree when I saw you first mentioned "banana".  (http://i651.photobucket.com/albums/uu235/s7vex/6-3.gif?t=1256078615)


There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
....AND... 
A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 21, 2009, 10:01:14
A teenage boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

 

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car'

 

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

 

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't got your hair cut.'

 

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

 

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on October 21, 2009, 12:24:55
Time for some riddles :evil:

I am taken from a mine, and shut up in a wooden case, from which I am never released, and yet I am used by almost everybody.

What am I...?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 21, 2009, 12:34:47
Time for some riddles :evil:

I am taken from a mine, and shut up in a wooden case, from which I am never released, and yet I am used by almost everybody.

What am I...?

Irish?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on October 21, 2009, 12:38:02
:lol: :D

Try again :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on October 21, 2009, 13:17:02
A pencil or A pencil lead
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on October 21, 2009, 13:20:40
Correct!! :2thumbs:

Your go ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on October 21, 2009, 13:29:45
OK here are one

What walks all days on it's head?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on October 21, 2009, 13:32:56
A nail in the sole of your shoe? :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on October 21, 2009, 13:36:27
A nail in the sole of your shoe? :lol:
yes that to, i thanked on nail in a hors shoe
you turn :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on October 21, 2009, 13:45:56
Here's an easy one :P

What holds water yet is full of holes?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 21, 2009, 15:35:00
Back on topic!

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 21, 2009, 16:17:35
I'm reminded of Roald Dahl's "Dip in the Pool".. :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dip_in_the_Pool
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 21, 2009, 17:43:48
An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 22, 2009, 19:18:44
News Flash



One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint.

The crew is missing and believed to be marooned!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on October 22, 2009, 19:33:31
 :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 22, 2009, 23:31:38
A gust of wind blew a women's hat into the water while sailing on a tall ship. A body hurled over the rail and saved the hat. Coming back on board, the man was cheered by the other passengers. The captain asked the man, "Brilliant job, mate. Is there anything I can do for you?" The man said, "You can tell me who pushed me!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 23, 2009, 18:30:26
You Nautical Romantic You  ::)


“Dear Heart, I had a great dream last night about you.”

“Oh? What was I doing?” She asked with a little giggle.

”You were buying me a new boat.”

“How Nice.” Was her cool response, “ Tonight, why don’t you dream up a way to pay for your new boat?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 25, 2009, 18:49:45
But Things Have Changed Lord !

God, deciding that the Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark and to again save two of every living thing. “You have six months before I send the great flood.” God said.

Six months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one plank on the boat’s hull.

“Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?”

“There have been some construction delays, Lord. First I was told I needed a building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there. I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until just yesterday!”

Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon.
.
“I’m calling you back.” God said.

“Aren't you going to destroy the world Lord?" Noah asked.

“What’s the point?” God said. “It looks like someone beat me to it!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 25, 2009, 18:58:47
 :lol:  good one..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 26, 2009, 18:25:27
The Captain and the Chief Engineer were in the galley revisiting an old
argument:

The Chief: “Your job is too easy, all you do is pick a point on
the chart and set your compass to it”

“No Way” said the captain. “Your job is way easier those engines are
just a larger version of an outboard motor!”

So each men decided to switch jobs for awhile to settle the argument….
about an hour latter beads of sweat are running down the Captain’s brow
as he struggles to keep the plant online.

After about 20min the Capt hears a small bang and sends the 3rd A/E to investigate.
An alarm goes off and he sends the 2nd.
Then he sees an oiler running past with a wrench…so he sends the 1st.

A few more minutes pass and BANG the lights go out.

Discouraged and now seemingly adrift he heads to the bridge to admit defeat. “I am soooo
sorry chief, I lost the plant. Your job is much harder than I ever thought”. “That’s OK….” replies the Chief Engineer “we ran aground!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2009, 18:57:11
Isn't this the truth ?!

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay *.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore bottoms
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you are too old!

*According to my dictionary this word means colorfull and happy
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2009, 21:56:12
Nautical Dress Code
A boater brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat dinner. The dockhand says:
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here tonight. This establishment has a necktie policy for the evening meal and you are not wearing one."

The boater said: "I'm sure I don't have a tie on my boat!"

The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: "Well, why don't you just find something that approximates a tie. I'm sure that will be okay."

After some time, the boater emerged from his cabin sporting a pair of jumper cables. "Sorry", the boater said," but this is all I could find to put around my neck."

Sighing, the dockhand said: "okay, I'll let you in with those, but just don't start anything."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 01, 2009, 18:30:23
Well, Sealords and /or Ladies, Due to lack of other jokers  ;D  :sleepy: it's I to put in another one:

Nautical Lingo 1


An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is starboard, that's aft and that's portside. If I ever hear you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you through that little round window over there!"

Nautical Lingo 2

The Steamboat Captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living. All the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job he asked the pilot to let him take the helm.

"Okay", said the pilot , "but you must pass a small test first.

If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?" "Turn to Port", said the boy. "Correct", said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?" "Starboard", said boy grinning from ear to ear. "Good for you", said the pilot.

"And straight?" asked the pilot. The boy quickly replied, " Without ice."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 05, 2009, 00:13:01
The mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, "Hey
Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So
Doc , look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired the damage, and then put them back in, and when I finished,
it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get
the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?" 

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running." 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 05, 2009, 16:23:52
Pass The....

First sailor: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second sailor: "No way, Jose!"

First sailor: "Why not?"

Second sailor: "It's against regulations to help another sailor to dessert!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 06, 2009, 11:36:23
A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "Hes got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with f uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: siso7 on November 06, 2009, 14:39:27
haha! nice one Mike! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 06, 2009, 16:22:14
A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises.
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg143534/topicseen.html#msg143534
Do I have to say more?   :doh:

Whatever You Say Sir !


It was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. The Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and shouted out: "Good Evening, Sir!"
The Captain returned the salute and said: "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied: "Yes Sir!".
The Captain continued: "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded: "Yes Sir!"
Then the Captain, pointing at the dog and said: "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Seaman glanced at the dog and said: "Yes Sir!"
The Captain continued: "I got this dog for my wife."
The Seaman simply said: "Good trade Sir!"



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 06, 2009, 17:37:39
They always say that a good joke never wears out!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 06, 2009, 19:55:03
Trained and Too Ready


It was Jim's first week as a junior ship's engineer. He has been told that if the alarm rings, he should rush towards the muster station to escape immediately.

One day Jim was sleeping after a full day of work. Suddenly he heard the alarm and immediately realized he needed to escape. Jim quickly put on his life jacket and started running in a panic. On the next deck, Jim saw a cadet walking casually . The cadet asked Jim why he was running.

Jim told him that the ship is in danger and he want to escape. The cadet said: "Oh! You want to escape? Why are trying to jump off the boat? You can 'escape' using the gangway." (Jim forgot the ship was berthed.... the alarm was just being tested).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 08, 2009, 12:47:51
They always say that a good joke never wears out!!
They were wrong about that one then...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 08, 2009, 18:26:03
If Women controlled the World
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: bsm2003 on November 08, 2009, 21:39:25
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling Another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says. . . "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: laganviking on November 08, 2009, 23:25:18
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scottishman and Paddy Irishman are marrooned on an island in the South Pacific. Upon exloring the island they were captured by a tribe of people. They were tied up and held captive. Later that day the Tribe leader came to them and said that he would allow them to leave freely...but in order to gain this freedom they had to go through a special prisoner 'ritual'. He told them to go off into the forrest and pick fruits, and when they came back those fruits had to be rectally inserted without moving or shouting. The three looked at each other and set off weirily into the under-growth.
Paddy Englishman was the first to arrive back with cherries. The Tribe began their 'ritual' but after the 3rd cherry he let out a yelp and he was killed.
Paddy Scottishman returned next with berries. Again the Tribe began their 'ritual'. On the last berry he let out a laugh, so he too was killed.

When the 2 meet in Heaven, Paddy Englishman says to Paddy Scottishman, "Why did you laugh? You were so close to freedom."
Paddy Scottishman replies, "I seen Paddy Irishman coming back with pineapples!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 09, 2009, 00:28:53
If women controlled the World (Part 2)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 09, 2009, 02:24:57
Copy from MLIA:

Today, I went through the McD's drive through and ordered a #3 with a cinnamelt. I realized I did not have enough money for the cinnamelt so I quickly drove out of line and pulled in a parking spot by the door. I walked in and, almost as if puzzled as to what I should get, I ordered simply a #3. I was happy to have enough money for the essentials. The man proceeded to hand me a bag and said, "here. there's a cinnamelt in there for you too. some jerk just drove off after ordering."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 09, 2009, 16:31:00
If Women controlled the World (Part 3)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 09, 2009, 18:01:57
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2009, 18:50:26
If Women controlled the world (Part 4)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on November 10, 2009, 20:04:09
Blame it on the apprentice!


REFN: 825.2891

The following report from a ship's Master is reproduced by kind
permission of the anonymous author who appears to be gifted with
remarkable "sang-froid".

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret
that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following
circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before
you form your own pre-conceived opinions from report in the world press,
for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from
changing the "G" flag for the "H" and, it being his first trip, was
having difficulty in rolling the "G" flag up. I therefore proceeded to
show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go". The lad,
although willing, is not too bright,
necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the Chart room, having
been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was the
anchors that were being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the Third
Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but
not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor
drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour
speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of
the port cable was pulling out
" by the roots". I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be
extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the
vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that
spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel.
Unfortunately, he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the
result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen,
two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are
at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise
I would were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel,
the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, to late to be of
practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I
gave a double ring Full Astern on Engine Room Telegraph and personally
rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolution, I was informed
that the sea temperature was 53 and asked if there was a film tonight;
my reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward
end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was
supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's
towing spring onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to "run in
under" the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was
answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second
Officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the
sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning
of the vessel.
It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port
anchor there was a power cut ashore.
The fact that we were passing over a "cable area" at that time might
suggest that we have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps
lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not
live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the
shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviours of foreigners
during moments of minor crisis.
The pilot, for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my
day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying. The tug captain,
on the other hand reached violently and had to forcibly be restrained by
the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is
telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance
companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer
collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These
particulars will enable you to claim for the damage that they did to the
railings of the No. 1 hold.
I am closing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no
need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

Kind regards,
Master
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 11, 2009, 13:34:19
Father O'Malley, an Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning…. it was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.

Dis is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. Dere's a jackass lyin dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment........................
Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 11, 2009, 17:48:03
If Women controlled the World (Part 5)

Explanation:
Does anybody know how many men it takes to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It seems it never happened yet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 12, 2009, 19:57:25
Getting old
 

 
Jim, Jack and John, three old sailors, see each other again after quite a long while.
So Jim asked the other two: "What are you doing since your retirement?"
"Well" answered Jack, "I took up my old hobby and now take pictures the whole day long."
John: "I started gardening and doing it quite well." "But what are you doing now, Jim?"
"I'm in research" answered Jim.
"And what are you searching for?"
"Each day again my glasses, my cane, my false teeth, my keys............

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on November 19, 2009, 11:31:30
Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I
have some bad news, the donkey died."

Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Paddy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?"

Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me ... I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey?"

Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at
two quid a piece and made a profit of £898."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his
two quid back."

Paddy now works as a personal advisor to Gordon Brown in the Treasury
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 19, 2009, 16:19:42
Sounds quite simulair to this one: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg140023/topicseen.html#msg140023

Anyhow, here's another one about women controlling the world:

If women controlled the World (Part 6)
Please click the pic to animate
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 19, 2009, 18:20:28
Sounds quite simulair to this one: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg140023/topicseen.html#msg140023


Thanks Aad, you found it quicker than me!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 19, 2009, 20:13:00
If Women controlled the World (Part 7)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 20, 2009, 08:44:30
Here's a short one, but I found it very funny.. :lol:

What do you call a scouser in a three story mansion?

A burgler.. :lol: :D Hahaha
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 20, 2009, 13:46:39
Here's a short one, but I found it very funny.. :lol:

What do you call a scouser in a three story mansion?

A burgler.. :lol: :D Hahaha

The follow on one!

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle ...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 20, 2009, 16:35:31
If Women controlled the World (Part eight)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 20, 2009, 18:14:41
Continuing Jack's theme of Liverpool jokes:

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta are all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 21, 2009, 10:41:58
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment
when Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead.
Showing respect for their fallen friend the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Connor looks round and asks, “Oh me boys, someone’s got to tell Paddy’s wife,
who will it be?” They draw straws and Patrick Gallagher draws the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, and not make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet?? I’m the
most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers and asks him what he wants? Gallagher declares “Your husband has just lost €500 and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’ll go tell him” says Gallagher!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 21, 2009, 12:23:58
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment
when Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead.
Showing respect for their fallen friend the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Connor looks round and asks, “Oh me boys, someone’s got to tell Paddy’s wife,
who will it be?” They draw straws and Patrick Gallagher draws the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, and not make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet?? I’m the
most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers and asks him what he wants? Gallagher declares “Your husband has just lost €500 and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’ll go tell him” says Gallagher!!


LOL

Good one!! :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 21, 2009, 17:46:21
If Women controlled the World (Last part)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 21, 2009, 18:09:06
If Women controlled the World (Last part)

Didn't last long Aad!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 21, 2009, 19:43:58
Be glad they don't really control the World.
Otherwise WE had to fix all those problems.
Problem No. 1: Missing tail light

<edit:
typo
end edit>
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 23, 2009, 15:09:59
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him: "So, what was wrong?"  
He replied: "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An 'ID ten T error'? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned.... : "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."          
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T  

I used to like Eric, the little twerp .
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 26, 2009, 15:51:36
Here's a real one. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 26, 2009, 17:31:42
New Cabbie
The passenger of a cab, sitting on the backseat, leans forward and tabs the cabbie on his shoulder to attract his attention 'cause he wants to ask him a question.
The cabbie screems out on the top of his lounges, looses the control over the cab, nearly misses a bus and stops on the sidewalk just an inch away from a large shop window!
After a few seconds of total silence the cabbie reacts with a trembling voice: "Sorry for that, but you frightend the hell out of me."
The passenger apologizes to the cabbie and says that he couldn't forsee that a slight tab on the shoulder could cause a reaction.
The cabbie answers:"You don't have to apologize. It's I who sould apologize to you. It's all my mistake. You have to know that this is my first day as a cabdriver. Till yesterday I was driving a funeral car for about 25 years."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 26, 2009, 18:38:02
A butler came running into his important masters office.

"Sir, sir, theres a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?"

Without looking up from his work the master said, "Tell him I cant see him."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 26, 2009, 20:27:00
Here's a real one. ;D

What????  ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on November 26, 2009, 21:20:58
What????  ???
Nevermind..I won't explain it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 26, 2009, 21:23:05
Nevermind..I won't explain it.

Should I be disappointed...?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on November 26, 2009, 21:24:29
What????  ???

Do I have to explain this one...

I mean I think I know it ***Shock...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 26, 2009, 21:36:30
Be glad they don't really control the World.
Otherwise WE had to fix all those problems.
Problem No. 1: Missing tail light

<edit:
typo
end edit>
Problem No. 2
Broken garden sprinkler
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on November 26, 2009, 21:37:38
Problem No. 2
Broken garden sprinkler


 !:)

That is a great solution...

If I had a hosepipe, I would try it out

Cheaper too...

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 26, 2009, 21:39:45
What about the poor farmers of dry, third world places- like Sussex- what would they think of you wasting all that water.

Think of the polar bears..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on November 26, 2009, 21:40:28
What about the poor farmers of dry, third world places- like Sussex- what would they think of you wasting all that water.

Think of the polar bears..

It has been pouring all week...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 26, 2009, 21:41:22
It has been pouring all week...
Then WHY do you need a sprinkler? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on November 26, 2009, 21:41:47
Then WHY do you need a sprinkler? ;D

I don't...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 26, 2009, 23:53:47
Problem No. 3
Broken Window-sit, run out off bricks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 27, 2009, 00:13:24
Ahoy Aad

Thanks for bringing this back on topic with a great joke. Other's didn't see the point of the thread!!

 :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 27, 2009, 15:19:00
Problem No. 3b
more bricks
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 27, 2009, 17:46:54
Problem No. 3b
more bricks

ROTFLOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 27, 2009, 18:35:45
Digging potatoes


Idly the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called:

'Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?'

'I'm digging potatoes, sor.'

'Potatoes? Those small things? You call them potatoes? Back home in Iowa we have potatoes ten times that size!'

'Yes, sor. But you see. We only grow them to fit our mouths!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 27, 2009, 21:45:44
Problem No. 4
My doorstep broke down
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2009, 00:59:16
We'll call her hazel

When it came time for the child to be baptised Doolan proudly stood by the font in St Anne's church.

'Now,' said Father Francis, 'and what are we going to name the little one?'

'Hazel,' said Doolan, with a smile.

'Lord save us,' moaned the priest. 'All the saints in heaven, and you're calling her after a nut!'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2009, 10:43:15
My wife is having a baby

The phone went in the hospital casualty department.

'Hello,' said a frantic voice. 'It's Mick Doolan here. Can you come quickly, my wife is having a baby.'

'I see,' said the receptionist. 'And is this her first child?'

'No,' said Doolan, 'this is her husband speaking.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2009, 13:50:56
Problem No. 5
How to fix foggy windscreen
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2009, 14:47:01
The new mercedes

The Cassidy twins had bought a secondhand Mercedes car and were taking Joe O'Driscoll for a spin. As they sped down O'Connell Street, Joe said from the back seat:

'I say, boys, what's that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?'

Pat Cassidy, realising he meant the Mercedes logo, decided to have some sport.

'Oh that,' he said, 'that's a target isn't it, Finbar?' 'Oh yes,' said Finbar, 'and a great target it is too!' Target?' said O'Driscoll. Target for what?' 'Well,' replied Finbar. 'It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!' 'Never!' spluttered O'Driscoll. True,' said Pat Cassidy. 'Just wait a tick and I'll show you.' Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Pat drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.

'See what I mean?' he grinned. 'Good, eh?' 'No good at all,' said O'Driscoll. 'Sure if I hadn't opened the back door we wouldn't have hit him at all!'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on November 28, 2009, 15:03:15
Hahah I remember posting that one aaaggggessss ago, Funny joke...I was looking for it again to memorise it and tell it to friends, I burst out laughing when I first saw that...Hilarious :lol: :D

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2009, 15:25:59
Hahah I remember posting that one aaaggggessss ago, Funny joke...I was looking for it again to memorise it and tell it to friends, I burst out laughing when I first saw that...Hilarious :lol: :D

Jack.
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg159649/topicseen.html#msg159649
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 28, 2009, 17:04:05
Accident with a Texan

Murphy was driving the horse and trap home from the pub on a warm summer's evening. Beside him sat Toby the labrador, great guard dog and constant friend. Suddenly the still of the evening was rent by a tremendous engine noise and round the tight bend in the country lane came a huge Mercedes car doing at least seventy miles an hour. Behind the wheel sat a red-faced Texan who chewed a fat cigar and drummed his fat fingers on the dashboard in time to the ear-splitting quadrophonic car radio. Too late the American realised he couldn't pass Murphy and the cart on the narrow tarmac strip - too late he realised he should have braked thirty yards ago.

Too late the Mercedes car smashed into the cart scattering horse, dog and Murphy to various points of the compass.

As Murphy lay in a daze bemoaning his fate, he saw the Texan go over to the stricken horse. Realising its legs were broken the Yank drew out a .45 pistol and shot the beast dead. Going over to Toby the dog, it was obvious that its back was broken - 'bang', a second shot rang out, ending Toby's misery.

With that the big Texan came over to Murphy.

'Hey buddy, are you all right?' he asked.

'As God is my judge,' muttered ashen-faced Murphy, 'I've never felt better in my life!'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2009, 18:57:50
Problem No. 6
Considering the amount of Dollars/Pound/Euro's  etc.  any cardealer will rip you off just for fixing a broken light ................
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2009, 12:59:40
English counterfeiters


Two English counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine-looking notes - £50, £20, £10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot. Much wants more, and they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny. Among the jumble they came upon a perfectly fine note - watermarked, queen's head in exactly the right place. The only trouble was that the amount shown was £18.

'Never mind,' said Brown, the bossman. 'We'll unload it when we're over in Ireland.'

And so they took the note with them and, whilst in Kerry, they entered a corner shop to dispense with it.

'Excuse me,' said Brown to shopkeeper Casey. 'Have you got change for an £18 note?'

'Indeed, sir,' said Casey. 'And would you like three sixes or two nines?'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 29, 2009, 17:24:15
Problem No. 7
You wanna bake a cake in a hurry, but your standard kitchen mixer turns much to slow?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Kapn Jonah on November 30, 2009, 03:41:10
I wonder if that would work!  ??? :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 30, 2009, 10:50:27
I wonder if that would work!  ??? :P

You'll never know unless you try it! Do it in the garden first though!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 30, 2009, 20:33:46
Problem No. 8
If you wanna have a hot bath, but run out of hot water .....................
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 22:10:53
That's not funny on a JOKE thread:
All attachments are gone, and uploading a new one has NO result at all  :'(  :'(  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on December 01, 2009, 22:13:24
That's not funny on a JOKE thread:
All attachments are gone, and uploading a new one has NO result at all  :'(  :'(  :'(

Is the attachments still not working?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 22:15:23
Don't know 'bout other threads, but on this one   :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on December 01, 2009, 22:17:13
Don't know 'bout other threads, but on this one   :thumbdown:

It may be this thread - maybe PM mark and see what he says
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 22:21:34
It may be this thread - maybe PM mark and see what he says
All UPLOADED attachments, also on other threads (Picture of the Month) are gone. I did send Mark a PM, though no answer yet
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: eviss on December 01, 2009, 22:22:24
Hoi Guys,

It is all over in the old posts.

It may be this thread - maybe PM mark and see what he says

I did PM Mark with an example. If you post the same attachment now again, then it WORKS.

That I just saw in another thread !

vr. gr. / kind regards, Erik
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: firestar12 on December 01, 2009, 22:24:42
Oh no! I'm sure it's because of the hackers ;D
I mean...
I'm sure it's because the servers were shut down for some hours.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 22:36:42
Hoi Guys,

It is all over in the old posts.

I did PM Mark with an example. If you post the same attachment now again, then it WORKS.

That I just saw in another thread !

vr. gr. / kind regards, Erik

PM OEPS sorry

Not here http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220080.html#msg220080 . Just uploaded the same one again. just a red x

Mark replied, the staff will give it some attention.
Nevertheless, her's one without pictures:

These fit so well they should be in a  dictionary
 


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.   

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.   

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.   

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction .

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and last but not least.....

WRINKLES:
Something other people have . . . . .. .
similar to my character lines
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: eviss on December 01, 2009, 22:40:34
Hoi Aad,

IT IS THERE !

Not here http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220080.html#msg220080 . Just uploaded the same one again. just a red x

It looks like the old links are not realy connected anymore, since the offline periode.

New posts with attachment do WORK !

vr. gr. / kind regards Erik
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 23:44:29
Well, here we go.
Problem No. 9
Another job you could do yourself instead letting a garage rip you off
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 23:47:13
Hoi Aad,

IT IS THERE !

It looks like the old links are not realy connected anymore, since the offline periode.



New posts with attachment do WORK !

vr. gr. / kind regards Erik
Ahoy eviss,
With new posts you mean New posts in New Threads? Because in this thread it still dosn't work. See this one: http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220347.html#msg220347
Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on December 01, 2009, 23:47:45
Ahoy eviss,
With new posts you mean New posts in New Threads? Because in this thread it still dosn't work. See this one: http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220347.html#msg220347
Regards
Aad

The Pringle tube? I see it??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 23:53:16
The Pringle tube? I see it??
And so I do now. ;D
I'll try to restore all other pic's I still pocess, For all the others I'll have to find replacements :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: eviss on December 01, 2009, 23:53:22
The Pringle tube? I see it??

As i said before, thanks,

vr. gr. / kind regards, Erik
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 02, 2009, 19:03:27
Problem No. 10
You've got some dents on your car but don't want to spend to much money?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Master Captain on December 02, 2009, 22:59:47
buying and setting up your own computer is no more difficult than building a nuclear reactor from watch parts in the dark using only your teeth.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 02, 2009, 23:48:53
Problem No. 11
When you're short of furniture
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 03, 2009, 00:15:28
I thought that Mark had managed to lose all those photos?

 :evil: :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 03, 2009, 14:23:50
A man owned a small farm in South Carolina.  The South Carolina Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.  The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board.  There's the half-wit.  He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.  He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 03, 2009, 15:31:30
Problem No. 12
It happens to everyone now and then.
You seriously overload the door of your fridge.
Hail to the inventor of Ducktape
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 06, 2009, 18:46:03
Problem No. 13
If you wonder how it comes that your gas-tank is empty so soon ......
Maybe you didn't lock up the tankopening?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 06, 2009, 20:56:12
Do You believe in Reincarnation?
Untill today I didn't, but this picture changed my mind

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on December 06, 2009, 21:04:13
(http://www.georgehernandez.com/h/aaBlog/2006/media/1115-RapistSearch.jpg)

;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 09, 2009, 21:47:55
Problem No. 14
My kitchen zink wasn't mounted solid. So I fixed it in an unusual way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 10, 2009, 10:45:41
A Platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 10, 2009, 16:22:54
 ;D

Mike, I know that might be in really bad taste, considering death tolls... but I bet the average serving squaddie would laugh at that.

Every successful joke has an element of truth in it...

I vote that the best joke so far...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on December 10, 2009, 19:18:54
How do you get an Elephant in a car?
Open the door, insert elephant, close door.

How do you get a Giraffe in a fridge?
open the door, insert giraffe, close door

How do you get an Elephant in a fridge?
open car door, remove elephant, close car door. Open fridge door, remove giraffe, move bottle of milk to shelf on fridge door, insert elephant, close fridge door.

There is a conferance with all the animals in the world attending, except one. which one is missing?
the Elephant, it's still in the fridge.

How do you fit all the animals in the world into a fridge?
get a bigger fridge.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 10, 2009, 21:48:01
McG,

I think maybe you have misunderstood the word 'joke'.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2009, 10:34:17
How do you get an Elephant in a car?
Open the door, insert elephant, close door.

How do you get a Giraffe in a fridge?
open the door, insert giraffe, close door

How do you get an Elephant in a fridge?
open car door, remove elephant, close car door. Open fridge door, remove giraffe, move bottle of milk to shelf on fridge door, insert elephant, close fridge door.

There is a conferance with all the animals in the world attending, except one. which one is missing?
the Elephant, it's still in the fridge.

How do you fit all the animals in the world into a fridge?
get a bigger fridge.

Maybe this should be moved to Technical Support?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2009, 13:04:59
Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at Old Trafford..


Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Man U.


The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.


'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says (in an Iraqi accent). 'I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me.


'Wonderful,' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'


The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry.'


'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his Mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 11, 2009, 14:16:16
Maybe this should be moved to Technical Support?
At the risk of offending, or going too far O/T... I have a better idea of where to move it to  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 11, 2009, 18:20:55
Problem No. 14b

Still waiting for the plumber who delivers the bathroom washstand.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2009, 18:24:43
Problem No. 14b

Still waiting for the plumber who delivers the bathroom washstand.

Did you drop your teeth in it?

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on December 11, 2009, 18:38:56
At the risk of offending, or going too far O/T... I have a better idea of where to move it to  :evil:

The Bin?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 11, 2009, 20:15:17
Problem No. 15

In case someone stole your rearwheel, and you don't have a spare one ...................................
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: steveboston on December 11, 2009, 21:20:52
An old sea-dog is walking along the dockside one evening admiring the stars and the harbour lights. A lady of the night (dressed in a very short skirt and high heeled boots) approaches him.

'Hello Dearie - would you like some super sex?' she says. He thinks for a moment.

'That's very nice of you - but at my age I had better just take the soup thanks'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 11, 2009, 22:26:50
Huts Galore



A sailor was marooned on a deserted island for 20 years.

He was finally rescued by a merchant marine ship. As the sailor was packing his meager belongings the captain of the ship asked, "I noticed you have built four huts. You are the only person on the island. What are they for?"

"Well", said the sailor, "this one is my residence, the second is my church and that third is my micro brewery where I make coconut beer."

"That's very interesting", said the captain, " but, what about the fourth hut?" Oh", said the sailor, "That's the church I belonged to before I started drinking Coconut Beer."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 11, 2009, 22:31:26
Perhaps in 20 years he would have been better digging for iron ore, burning charcoal, building a furnace, making anvils, lathes, smelting plants and building a steel hulled ship that won't be wrecked...

Or in 20 years, could he not have made a satellite 'phone out of odds and sods?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 11, 2009, 23:59:16
Consuming too much Marmite lately  :evil: ??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 11:13:55
Consuming too much Marmite lately  :evil: ??

No. You can NEVER have too much Marmite  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2009, 16:22:31
Long Time No See !


There's a knock at the front door. A man opens it and looks down to find a snail sitting on the stoop. He picks up the little critter and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there's a knock. The man opens the door, looks down and there sits the same snail.

The snail looks up and says: "Okay, what was that all about!?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 17:05:04
How does the snail knock?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dikkay on December 12, 2009, 17:20:15
How does the snail knock?

Use your head mate.





The snail did the same.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 17:41:49
Use your head mate.





The snail did the same.

The snail knocked on the door... by using my head?  ??? Are you SURE about that?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: matt5674 on December 12, 2009, 17:44:39
Maybe the Snail used his hard shell for a behind to knock :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 12, 2009, 18:44:05
The snail knocked on the door... by using my head?  ??? Are you SURE about that?

Must have been a Norfolk snail, that's why it took 3 years to get back!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 18:45:27
Then I take it that it used one of the 11 toes on each hand then?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on December 12, 2009, 19:04:58
Maybe the Snail used his hard shell for a behind to knock :lol:

It used it's behind...?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 12, 2009, 19:13:13
It used it's behind...?

Imagine opening the door to that!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on December 12, 2009, 19:16:26
Imagine opening the door to that!!

Nice...
[/sarcasm]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 12, 2009, 19:17:45
Could be worse...though...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on December 12, 2009, 19:18:16
Could be worse...though...

I seriously doubt it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 12, 2009, 19:18:33
Lets not go there... :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2009, 20:48:28
Gentlemen, could we stay On-Topic. Please?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 21:04:24
Gentlemen, could we stay On-Topic. Please?

RIP

(Just found this one)

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

Hows that Aad? At least it's on topic...  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 21:05:09
Has this already been posted

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 21:11:57
I thought this one well worthy of being the third post in the row...  :D

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on December 12, 2009, 21:24:12
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which
organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2009, 21:37:14
And You Must be ...


Pat says to the Mike: "Where did you get that shiner? It's a dozy! "

Mike said: "Do you know that cute women who is a nurse at the infirmary?"

"Why yes I do", said Pat, "she is quite the looker! The word is that there has been some hanky panky between you and her. I also know that her husband just got back from sea duty!!"

"That, my friend, is a little piece of information I could have used BEFORE I decided to visit her apartment, take a shower and when the bathroom door opened, jump out yelling surprise!!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 21:48:02
 :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2009, 21:59:57
Some Service !
The lonely bachelor wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards.
He went on to explain that the candidate should be cute and short, who enjoys water sports, is a team player and who enjoys group activities.

He received an envelope the following week. It it was a picture of a penguin.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 13, 2009, 18:35:35
Some Service !
The lonely bachelor wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards.
He went on to explain that the candidate should be cute and short, who enjoys water sports, is a team player and who enjoys group activities.

He received an envelope the following week. It it was a picture of a penguin.

I am only 6 years old and don't understand that, can you explain?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 13, 2009, 23:05:29
A Few Good Men ?

Getting a new girlfriend is a little like joining the Navy.
You clean up, get a haircut, buy new cloths,
and any important information will be given to you strictly on a need to know basis.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dikkay on December 13, 2009, 23:18:23
I declare that untrue, I didn't have to buy new clothes, I got them for free!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 14, 2009, 14:29:36
I am only 6 years old and don't understand that, can you explain?

Fair play, Mike... You had me fooled for ages. I really thought you were older than that! You are quite wise for a 6 year old and put a lot of 10 year olds to shame... I hope Santa brings you what you want this year
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 14, 2009, 14:35:50
Fair play, Mike... You had me fooled for ages. I really thought you were older than that! You are quite wise for a 6 year old and put a lot of 10 year olds to shame... I hope Santa brings you what you want this year

All I want for Christmas is a Titanicfree SSE

Back on topic:

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the Director. Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@&%*~! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~#@#!?*! I am Chinese!" "Yeah yeah yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same", retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor.

"What was that for?" exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the director.

"Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you are all the same!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: pusser_uk on December 14, 2009, 17:06:09
I declare that untrue, I didn't have to buy new clothes, I got them for free!

When I joined in 1963, you even got free underwear too!!    ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 14, 2009, 18:04:27
When I joined in 1963, you even got free underwear too!!    ;D

Still got them I suppose?

LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 14, 2009, 18:05:37
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says,

"That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,

"That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 14, 2009, 19:56:30
Things you won't hear a true fisherman say.......


-"Wow, I've never caught a fish that big!"

-"Hey! Let's take our wives fishing!"

-"My truck can't get through that!"

-"Let's go shopping, fishing can wait."

-"Hank, those hip boots make your butt look big and they don't match your belt!"

-"Hey, we don't need to buy those fishing flies Melvin, let's send our wives flowers instead?"

-"I don't think Duct Tape will fix that."

-"I caught all those rainbows on night crawlers."

-"I feel pretty guilty not washing those breakfast dishes before coming out here to fish!"

-"Hey somebody come land this 20" rainbow for me. I need to straighten up the camp."

-"I can't participate in National Hunting and Fishing Day cause my neighbor is throwing a tupperware party and I really need a mixing bowl."

-"I think electronic fish finders should be banned."

-"Come on , man - we can watch bass fishing anytime! Figure skating's on!!"

-"We gotta throw this fish back, I don't think it will fit in the frying pan."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: pusser_uk on December 15, 2009, 12:50:20
Still got them I suppose?

LOL

Well....ermmm..... No actually, they were very yellow and I could never get them white as was required by the kit inspection team.  :doh: I threw them out once I earned enough money to buy my own.   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 15, 2009, 14:01:05
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 15, 2009, 15:12:39
Misdirect Logic


One morning John noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since the ship sank six months ago.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards John. She whispered into John's ear: " I have something you want!"

John broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves, yelling: "Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 15, 2009, 16:31:43
How do you open a champagne factory?

By throwing a ship to it.  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 15, 2009, 17:08:31
A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again. He mumbles, "This is great. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am lost in the forest."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 15, 2009, 18:12:48
Glad to Ear Ya !


A young Naval officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually rose to the rank of Admiral. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the new Admiral was interviewing three people for the position of his personal aide. The first officer was an accomplished submariner, and it was a great interview. At the end the Admiral asked him: "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered: "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Squadron Supply Officer, and she was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The Admiral asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied: "Well, sir, you have no ears." The Admiral threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Navy Chief Petty Officer. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two officers combined. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Chief said: "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses." The Admiral was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Chief Petty Officer, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the Admiral asked. The sharp-witted Chief replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
The Admiral is still searching for an aide.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 18, 2009, 10:56:11
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal..

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 18, 2009, 17:30:42
Grab Those Puppies!


The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep.

More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms: "Are you carrying puppies in there?",

Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied: " Why yes, yes they are.” She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her: "If you're giving them away I'll take the one with the pink nose!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 21, 2009, 21:11:53
Anchors Away !!

The old diesel-submarine was headed out to sea from Pearl Harbor when the Captain yells to a green seaman on the bow to "house the anchor". The seaman understood the captain was saying "How is the anchor?" So the seaman responded: "The anchor is fine."

After several attempts to get the seaman to understand, the frustrated Captain said: "Oh hell let it go!" At which time the seaman knocks the chock out of the anchor chain. The anchor and 600 fathoms of chain roars out of the boat and when it reaches the end, takes out the bulkhead.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 24, 2009, 20:04:26
Indubitably My Good Watson, Pass the Bate !

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a fishing trip. They had gone night fishing and were lying on the deck, lines in the water looking up at the sky.
Holmes said: "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini top!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 25, 2009, 07:14:46
Here's a funny thing:
Because foreign ships fish so much, local fishers turn to pirates..
Because of pirates, foreign fishings ships stay away..
Because no more foreign fishing ships, now plenty of fish.. :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 25, 2009, 17:17:56
Age is a State Of Mind ... I Think !

The captain of the whaler found himself in need of a lookout on short notice. The ship was scheduled to return to the hunt the next day and the owner of the whaler was very demanding and unpleasant when disappointed.

The captain put out the word that a sharp-eyed lookout was needed and any candidates should report to the ship that evening at 1700 hours sharp.

At the appointed time the captain arrived on deck finding only one candidate onboard; a very old looking man. "How old are you?", asked the captain.

" I'm eighty years old last November and I have the sharpest eyes in town." said the old man. "Is that so?", laughed the captain. Knowing he could not read it himself, he said, "Tell me old man what does that sign say on the dock across the bay?"

The old man said, " No fishing by order of the constable." The captain was shocked when he verified it using his telescope. That was exactly what the sign read!

"Well, that's all well and good", said the captain, "but you'll never be able to get to the crow's-nest being a man of advanced years." With that the old man took off and traversed up the mast, slapped the crow's-nest and returned to the deck in front of a totally shocked captain. "You're hired!" yelled the captain, "I have never been so impressed with a seaman than I am with you on this day. Report for duty, ready to ship out at dawn."

The next morning after the old man had reported for duty, the ship's helmsman and harpooner visited the captain's cabin and expressed concern about the captain's new hire. "He's an old man", said the harpooner, "he'll never see the whales and I'll not know where to aim!" "Yes", said the helmsman, "and he must be too feeble to climb the mast to give me a heading to steer!" "Fear not", said the captain, " That old man is one of the best candidates for lookout I have ever seen. He'll do just fine."


The whaler was out on the very next day and ready for action when the shout came from the crow's-nest, "Whaaaaale Ho!". Excitedly the captain yelled, " Great job lookout, in what direction does the whale swim?" There was no answer. Again the captain yelled, " what direction should the helmsman steer?" After a pause the answer came back,..... " I forget."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 27, 2009, 14:36:05
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 27, 2009, 14:41:27
 :thumbs:

Your Reservation Please !

I'm not saying that Paul and John failed to properly clean up after their regular boating trips but the local restaurant that they frequented, started getting reservations requesting the "No Fishing" section!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 27, 2009, 18:03:36
 :2thumbs:

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 27, 2009, 20:15:25
A Pool for My Baby

The rich tycoon bought a luxury yacht for his only daughter upon her graduation.

It was large and even had its own onboard pool. The tycoon dad brought the daughter aboard for the first time for a tour of the boat. The last thing to see was the pool.

All around the pool were shirtless ship construction workers finishing up some painting.

The daughter clasped her hands and screeched, " Oh, daddy it's a wonderful pool and you've even stocked it for me!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 28, 2009, 10:44:05
 :2thumbs:

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill; so the doctor gave him another six months
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on December 28, 2009, 12:20:06
Whats the best name for a girl to be named???


Answer: Gillete - The Best a man can get...  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 28, 2009, 12:44:20
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? "
The man says, "I make a good living."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 28, 2009, 16:23:56
Beer Drinking Etiquette

A recreational boater, a tugboat crewman, and an old salt sailor went into a bar and each ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer. (It must have been the special of the day).

The recreational boater looked in his beer and said: "Hey bartender, I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."

The tugboat crewman looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in, picked it out and continued drinking.

The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled: "Spit it out, Spit it out!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 28, 2009, 17:30:55
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 28, 2009, 19:44:18
 :2thumbs: :evil: :2thumbs:

Star Bright

The captain was lining up his sextant when a shooting star streaked across the sky.
Observing this, the helmsman said to the captain: "Nice shot, sir!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 29, 2009, 19:43:02
Your Time is Not My Time

A boat painter was awarded the job of painting a small sail boat and when he was asked by the owner, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied: "Two weeks".
Three weeks went by and the owner, a little concerned of the delay, confronted the painter.
"Hey Paul", said the owner, "You told me that it would take you two weeks to paint my boat and its been three weeks. How come?"
The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the owner square in the eye and said: "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, like a nautical mile, they're a little longer".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 30, 2009, 13:04:26


 

The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion..

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for h is first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



*



*

(Wait for it)



*



*



*

(It's coming)



*



*
(Ya ready?)



*



*



* (Don't hate me)



*

*



* (Yer gonna hate me)



*



*



* (Take a deep breath)



*



*



*
'He should've quit while he was a head.'
 
 

 
 

 



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 30, 2009, 13:33:31
 :doh:

See Honey?....See?!


A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare a few bucks?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum."
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't fish."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 31, 2009, 16:21:45
Whe you try to forfill your spouse's wish....... think twice
(Just click once on the attachement)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TerryRussell on December 31, 2009, 23:20:30
Hi Aad.

I like to thank you for another year of fun in this thread. Many thanks indeed. You have certainly made me laugh on many occassions.

Happy new year to you, sir!  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 01, 2010, 00:38:01
Hi Aad.

I like to thank you for another year of fun in this thread. Many thanks indeed. You have certainly made me laugh on many occassions.

Happy new year to you, sir!  :thumbs:
And the same to You, my Friend  :lol:

A Womans Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked his lights out...
Like his MOMMA used to do.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on January 04, 2010, 21:50:12
This isn't exactly a joke, but I was listening to a song and I realized the lyrics talk about TFM:

Save yourself a penny for the ferryman
Save yourself and let them suffer
In hope
In love
This world ain't ready for The Ark

Weird? :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 06, 2010, 14:13:52
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AT BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR!
 
Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, criminal conviction, gender transference or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an Equal Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it …..full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Disabled Discrimination Act, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir.. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a
claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 06, 2010, 14:31:35
That's too close to the truth... Funny, no matter how many times I read it...

BTW Mike, did you realise this is actually a true story? But the ship was called HMS Cornwall...

(excuse the O/T.)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 06, 2010, 14:49:34
Could also have been a certain recent RFA in the news off Somalia!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 06, 2010, 15:02:03
 :-[ Yes, it could have been.

Here, before Aad gets upset about o.t posts... here's my joke:

"The British defence minister"  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on January 06, 2010, 15:37:53
"The British defence minister"  :doh:

Hilarious :lol: :D

That should be one of the top 10 jokes..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 06, 2010, 15:38:36
Hilarious :lol: :D

That should be one of the top 10 jokes..

There are more than 10 in the British cabinet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on January 06, 2010, 15:39:39
I have learnt the error of my ways.. :doh:

Back on topic..

As the funeral procession went by, the American tourist inquired of Dublin policeman:

'Who's dead?'

'I'm not sure,' said the Gaurd, 'but I think it's the feller in the front car.'

Jack :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 06, 2010, 15:41:23
I have learnt the error of my ways.. :doh:

Back on topic..

As the funeral procession went by, the American tourist inquired of Dublin policeman:

'Who's dead?'

'I'm not sure,' said the Gaurd, 'but I think it's the feller in the front car.'

Jack :lol:
I thought the Irish always wanted 'to be sure'  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on January 06, 2010, 15:41:51
To be sure, to be sure! :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 06, 2010, 16:38:23
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the Other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
 
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
 
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
 
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib And find out."
 
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a Little boy," he said proudly.
 
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
 
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks And I've got blue ones."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Sasha on January 06, 2010, 22:01:03
What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when it was time for them to depart?


  "Bison" :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on January 06, 2010, 22:33:58
Here's 2 Funny pictures that i discovered  ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 06, 2010, 22:37:18
Maybe a little late, but better late than not at all.
Just click the attachement once.
Have Fun
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Best on January 06, 2010, 22:40:23
Maybe a little late, but better late than not at all.
Just click the attachement once.
Have Fun
Hi Aad. How can i run a PPS file?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 06, 2010, 23:48:37
Hi Aad. How can i run a PPS file?
You'll need Microsoft Powerpoint or any powerpoint compatible programm like Open Office.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 07, 2010, 16:59:39
Problem # 16
My car wouldn't start this morning. I thought it was because of the extreme cold. But it was just a loose battery connection.
So I fixed it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 07, 2010, 17:15:44
Problem # 16
My car wouldn't start this morning. I thought it was because of the extreme cold. But it was just a loose battery connection.
So I fixed it

Look at the close proximity of the handle to the other terminal...

Good thing the other end is insulated...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 07, 2010, 17:18:46
McG

Anyone who is stupid enough...

I once dropped a spanner onto a 12v battery, the spanner welded itself to the terminals (made a lovely handle once it cooled down. Shame the battery was knackered)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 07, 2010, 17:48:39
McG

Anyone who is stupid enough...

I once dropped a spanner onto a 12v battery, the spanner welded itself to the terminals (made a lovely handle once it cooled down. Shame the battery was knackered)

Hahaha LMAO

Reminds me of a story about how the Cubans charge car batteries (As quoted from Clarkson's Motorworld)

Quote
...on every street corner, someone is hooking up a bucket of water to the mains supply to recharge their 40-year-old battery.

God knows how this works but the sparks and the steam suggest some kind of reaction happens in the bucket. Some kind of reaction happens at the power station, too, which, in rural Cuba, only supplies power for four hours a day

That's another contender for the Darwin Award then...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 08, 2010, 15:57:17
Whoever thought the last problem was a serious attempt to 'fix a Problem' has to realize that this thread is called "JOKE of the day"

Problem # 17
To many birds found my 'standard' mailbox to attractive, so I solved it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 08, 2010, 15:58:28
Whoever thought the last problem was a serious attempt to 'fix a Problem' has to realize that this thread is called "JOKE of the day"

I don't think it's in any way serious...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 08, 2010, 17:24:07
calm down Aad, please.

---

There are three girls going to a water park for the day. One is brunette, one is a redhead and the last is a blonde. When they get to the park, they see a Magic Wishing Slide. They decide to give it a go.

The brunette is the first to go down the slide. She yells 'Monneeeeeeeey!!!'. When she shoots out of the end of the slide, she lands in a pool of money.

The redhead is next. She slides down and
yells 'Chocccollate!!!'. When she shoots out of the end, she landed in a pool of chocolate.

The blonde slides down screaming 'WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'. When she shoots out of the end, she lands in a pool of...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 08, 2010, 17:25:11
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 08, 2010, 17:26:06
One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.

Obama thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing in the whole world.

The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and vuala... that summer he was in Disney Land.

The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's.

The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.

Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled.

The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds out that I saved you".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on January 08, 2010, 18:01:19
After creating the world, and a well earned restday, God decided to go down and see how things were..
He found Adam dozing underneath a coconut palm by the sea..
 -"Hello Adam, how are you?"
"Oh, hi there God, I'm allright..a bit sore in the rib area"..
 -"Good good, so where's Eve ? "
" She's out there somewhere, I think she went for a swim"..
 -"Oh no! Now I'll never get that smell off the fish! "..  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 08, 2010, 19:00:08
Problem # 18
The right door of my car was one big dent. Didn't have money to replace it by a spare, so I fixed it this way. And the chain lock will keep those burglers out......I think
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 09, 2010, 18:25:47
Who says women can't park cars!

View My Video (http://tinypic.com/m/70xs40/4)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 09, 2010, 22:39:23
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Iron in the Arteries
Lead in the gall blatter
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas

Never knew I was so wealthy



Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 10, 2010, 22:18:50
 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 11, 2010, 00:35:29
Remember Problem # 18 ?
Here is Problem # 18b
Now, on my second car, the left door lock is defect. So, to keep the burglers out, I used a bungee cord to lock the door
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on January 13, 2010, 01:21:43
One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.

Obama thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing in the whole world.

The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and vuala... that summer he was in Disney Land.

The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's.

The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.

Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled.

The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds out that I saved you".

Ohh...

That is funny...xD
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 14, 2010, 22:58:34
Problem # 19

Look what they did to my 3rd car, I could cry  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 15, 2010, 08:06:44
Someone did that to my mother's Merc, little  :evil:s

But they didn't make a new badge...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 15, 2010, 17:17:14
Problem # 20
When I was cruising with my latest car I discovered a huge pothole. When you drive in one like this one it could damage your car. So, I fixed it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 16, 2010, 18:22:49
And for the next JOKE?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 16, 2010, 18:25:33
And for the next JOKE?

Q: What do you call a panda crossing the road?

A: Season.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 16, 2010, 18:26:38
Sometimes You have to make a choice:
Do you take a doggie (attachment 1)
Or do you take kids (attachment 2)

The choice is Yours
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 16, 2010, 18:26:45
Q: What do you call a panda crossing the road?

A: Season.

No, a pelican!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 16, 2010, 18:31:20
Well I call it Season. And Aad, I'd probably take the kids.

EDIT: Silly me, This post has started a new page. Go back a page to see what I'm talking about.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 16, 2010, 18:35:17
Problem # 21
Ever heard of Murphys Law?
After fixing that pothole (problem # 20) I got very hungry, and due to Murphys Law, my BBQ broke down.
No problem when you use your garden tools in a way they aren't designed for.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 17, 2010, 16:35:46
The retired Captain woke up one night 'cause he heard some noise from the jetty where his schooner was moored. Looking out of the window from his log cabin he saw some people who obvious were stealing from his property.
He took his phone and called the police and told them what was happening. "Are the thieves in your home" the police office"r asked.
"No, they are on my boat" replied the oldtimer.
"Well, be as silent as possible, and when I can spare a patrolcar I will send it over" replied the policeman. "at the moment they are all occupied"
The captain hung up the phone, counted from 1 to 100 and called again. "I gave you a call about 2 minutes aga about those burglers, but you don't have to hurry anymore. I took my gun and shot them all down".
Within 5 minutes there arrived three patrol cars and an ambulance. The police arrested those burglers redhanded. The commanding officer asked the captain: "I thought you shot them all?!"
The captain replied: "And you told me there where no patrol cars available!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2010, 18:31:17
*G**etting Married*

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in  Devon  , are all excited
about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a
chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 17, 2010, 18:38:09
 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 17, 2010, 18:46:11
living in  Devon

I would like to point out that we aren't all like that. But the Green Army Plymouth Argyle Aviva advert IS spookily accurate...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 17, 2010, 18:55:39
Problem # 22
The right side of my care had a small dent, so I fixed it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 17, 2010, 19:04:54
I would like to point out that we aren't all like that. But the Green Army Plymouth Argyle Aviva advert IS spookily accurate...
Ooh arrr... arr, ye liyke moy custard and moy rice puddings hur? Whart abourt moy DEVONSHIE pasties [insert whatever bad comment you like about Cornish pasties here]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 17, 2010, 21:50:10
What has this ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php?topic=10830.msg235037#msg235037 ) by McGherkin and that ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg235044.html#msg235044 ) by Stuart2007 to do with this topic?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 17, 2010, 22:08:50
Well my post was a joke about people from Devon, or more specifically Plymouth...

Not quite sure what Stuart's on about...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 17, 2010, 23:13:13
What has this ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php?topic=10830.msg235037#msg235037 ) by McGherkin and that ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg235044.html#msg235044 ) by Stuart2007 to do with this topic?
About as much as pictures of cars with home made repairs I would have thought...


EDIT: No offence intended. I only didn't laugh out loud at them as I thought if I did my head would fall off.


(source:quoted Blackadder 2)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 18, 2010, 19:26:19
Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys)
How about this one? A new topic with (maritime) jokes
I kick off: What happens when You don't follow the unwritten law "Women and children first?"
See attechment (click to animate)
Regards
Aad

Megaladon 3..... The Movie
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 18, 2010, 23:00:14
Problem # 23
And they say Styrofoam is un-recyclable
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 18, 2010, 23:45:02
Problem # 23
And they say Styrofoam is un-recyclable

In a boat?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 19, 2010, 15:40:58
In a boat?
Says who?

For The Landlocked Pirate
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on January 19, 2010, 23:41:28
What would you get when tupac wasn't born in a ghetto, but would be an educated sailor instead???

TUG LIFE  :captain:
Oh...that is boss..

;D

In fact, that joke is the only place on the entire forum where the name 'Tupac' was mentioned. Except for this one now, of course. ;D



Says who?

For The Landlocked Pirate
Is that even legal? :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 20, 2010, 00:32:33
Is that even legal? :lol:
In a car toon or as a kind of joke, I think it is.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 20, 2010, 01:01:39
I didn't quite get it, Probably cause im not a brit but nice job!

It Means He Lies Every Second, So It Moves So Fast It Can Be A Fan.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on January 20, 2010, 02:14:04
Oh...

That guy, he deleted his account. He won't be seeing that reply anyway. :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 20, 2010, 17:08:32
Oh...

That guy, he deleted his account. He won't be seeing that reply anyway. :P
Would he WANT to after 13 months?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 24, 2010, 16:02:48
                                             What Not To Do With Titanic,

(1): Dis-Regard Iceberg Warnings.
(2): Build It In A Dock Where Its Too Shallow To Get It Out Of. XD


                    (Really, How Do You Get The Titanic Out Of The Dock In Its Mission?)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 24, 2010, 16:33:32
How do you encourage drivers to keep the speed limit?
Well, just don't repair the potholes.
OR make some fake potholes, after all, we want to let them have accidents.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt. Matt on January 24, 2010, 16:59:10
Believe me here they arent fake  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 24, 2010, 17:24:13
                                             What Not To Do With Titanic,

(1): Dis-Regard Iceberg Warnings.
(2): Build It In A Dock Where Its Too Shallow To Get It Out Of. XD


                    (Really, How Do You Get The Titanic Out Of The Dock In Its Mission?)


I Mean It. T_T
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 24, 2010, 18:38:46
What happened?      
Isn't this fantastic.  
Wow!  I wonder if this were sent to people 55 years from now if it would still have the same impact!
    
  
Funny......yet sad...55 years ago..!!
  
Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 55 years ago!
  
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.
  
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1,000.00 will only buy a used one.
 
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.
 
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter
  
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
  
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
  
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
  
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .
  
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't
surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
  
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
  
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. 'It won't be long before young couples are going to have  to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
  
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
 
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government..
  
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
  
'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
  
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.'
  
'If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 24, 2010, 20:32:40
Heh.  :lol:

Now Can Someone Please Answer My Question?  :sleepy:  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 24, 2010, 21:51:18
Heh.  :lol:

Now Can Someone Please Answer My Question?  :sleepy:  ::)
Is that a joke? :doh:
You are in the "Joke of the Day" thread, if you didn't notice. :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 24, 2010, 22:05:41
I Posted A Joke That Was Also A Question Before.  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 25, 2010, 02:14:21
.........  >:(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 25, 2010, 08:16:25
In case nobody saw it, Britannic is asking how to get the Titanic out of her dock.


Try searching, there may be a topic about that particular mission. If not, PM a moderator...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 25, 2010, 14:38:11
In case nobody saw it, Britannic is asking how to get the Titanic out of her dock.


Try searching, there may be a topic about that particular mission. If not, PM a moderator...
Precise that's what I ment here ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg236355.html#msg236355 )


Anyhow, let's continue with the problems:
I'm quite sure my landlord is trying to kill me. Look how he fixed my hot water supply for the shower.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on January 25, 2010, 14:42:16
oh dear oh dear  :lol: i think you shod move to another safe place before the apartment give you a shock  :doh:
a place near a hospital maybe  :lol: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on January 25, 2010, 14:49:46
Virus Alert
entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!


Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets

Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 25, 2010, 21:54:29
In case nobody saw it, Britannic is asking how to get the Titanic out of her dock.


Try searching, there may be a topic about that particular mission. If not, PM a moderator...

Irish Winter Knock Knock Joke. (Classic)


Knock Knock.

Whos There?

Irish.

Irish Who?

Irish I Could Come In! Its Freezing Out Here!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 25, 2010, 21:54:59
Why Did I Quote That?  ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 25, 2010, 21:55:59
The square root of a lemon.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on January 25, 2010, 22:29:59
Escalator?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on January 25, 2010, 22:33:38
Long waiting to get on the top their  :lol: in Norway the stairs are going automatic  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 26, 2010, 00:28:06
Escalator?

More Like A Fail-Ulator.  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 26, 2010, 00:55:45
What a poor guy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 26, 2010, 16:26:05
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After


They got  their  tent all set up, both men went inside and fell sound asleep.


Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,


"Kemo Sabe,  look  towards sky; what you see?"


The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."


"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,


"Astronomically speaking, it  tells me there are millions of  galaxies.


Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the  morning.


Theologically, the Lord  is all powerful and we are small and  insignificant.


Meteorologically, it  seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


What does it tell you,  Tonto?"


"You dumber than buffalo whatsit. Someone stole tent."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 26, 2010, 18:21:54
Michael, how I WISH I could have predicted the lottery results with the same accuracy as that punch line  ::)  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 26, 2010, 18:57:31
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

 'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

 'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

 'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

 'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

 'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

 'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

 'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

 'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

 'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

 'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

 'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

 'Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart..'

 'Are you insane? ? What water cart?'

 'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

 'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

 'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

 'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

 'Si, Senor Rod.'

 'But there's electricity at the house!  What was the candle for?'

 'For the funeral, Senor Rod..'

 'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor-Made R580 golf club.'

 
 SILENCE . . . . . .... . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . ...

 'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on January 26, 2010, 19:21:34
Precise that's what I ment here ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg236355.html#msg236355 )


Anyhow, let's continue with the problems:
I'm quite sure my landlord is trying to kill me. Look how he fixed my hot water supply for the shower.
that will hurt.
reminds me when i went to a camp and they shut off the building gets the hot water first. they moved out and all the hot water came to us... in the shower  :thumbdown:
awch
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on January 26, 2010, 19:52:36
Its now tuesday.

A robot from the future came along from coming Friday.
Then another robot from coming Thursday came along.

Who of these 2 robots came earlier?  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 26, 2010, 20:17:14
VS- it is Tuesday today... ;)

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on January 26, 2010, 22:03:25
there was standing 'tuesday' all the time  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on January 26, 2010, 22:06:00
So who came first then?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on January 26, 2010, 22:43:41
 i dont know  :lol: :P :-X :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 26, 2010, 22:45:44
Oh dear.

900th post! 1000-post club here I come!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 27, 2010, 00:04:37
Congradulations...... ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 27, 2010, 23:27:18
What Do You Call A Goldfish That Went Bankrupt? (Scroll Down)





















A Bronze Fish.  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 27, 2010, 23:33:19
What Do You Call A Goldfish That Went Bankrupt? (Scroll Down)





















A Bronze Fish.  :D
Why all that double postings?
Your post score will rise, Your populairity will not  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on January 27, 2010, 23:38:08
Danger Win  :lol: ;D ??? :P  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 27, 2010, 23:39:00
So who came first then?

Quite clearly it is the Thursday robot.

Virtualskipper: It is VERY bad form to change a post after a reply in order to make the reply look incorrect. Not impressed.

Now, shall we move on before Aad posts one of his "what has this got to do with my topic?" type of posts...
What Do You Call A Goldfish That Went Bankrupt? (Scroll Down)

A Bronze Fish.  :D
What ARE you on about?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on January 27, 2010, 23:41:22
Quite clearly it is the Thursday robot.

Virtualskipper: It is VERY bad form to change a post after a reply in order to make the reply look incorrect. Not impressed.

 ???

I only changed the word ''Monday'' to ''Tuesday'' because you said that it was Tuesday on the day I posted it ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 27, 2010, 23:42:51
Why all that double postings?
Your post score will rise, Your populairity will not  :evil:

No Ones Posted A Joke In 12 Hours, Thats Why.  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 27, 2010, 23:44:07
Quite clearly it is the Thursday robot.

Virtualskipper: It is VERY bad form to change a post after a reply in order to make the reply look incorrect. Not impressed.

Now, shall we move on before Aad posts one of his "what has this got to do with my topic?" type of posts...What ARE you on about?


GOLD Fish


WENT BANKRUPT.



Now Is A BRONZE Fish
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 27, 2010, 23:47:31

GOLD Fish


WENT BANKRUPT.



Now Is A BRONZE Fish

If it went bankrupt then it wouldn't be bronze either. And the insolvency service tends not to recognise goldfish as owning anything or owing anything and therefore it is unlikely that a Court would actually issue a bankrupty order against a goldfish...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 28, 2010, 00:00:39
You remember my last problem with my landlord?
Well, he's busy again
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 28, 2010, 00:09:11
If it went bankrupt then it wouldn't be bronze either. And the insolvency service tends not to recognise goldfish as owning anything or owing anything and therefore it is unlikely that a Court would actually issue a bankrupty order against a goldfish...

ITS A DANG JOKE!!!!!!!!! DO YOU THINK THIS IS REAL WORLD!?!?!?!?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 28, 2010, 00:24:03
ITS A DANG JOKE!!!!!!!!! DO YOU THINK THIS IS REAL WORLD!?!?!?!?

THIS IS A DAMNED JOKE TOPIC!!!!!!!! DO YOU THINK THIS IS A REAL JOKE!?!?!?!?

 ;D Calm down HMHSB... You'll live longer.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on January 28, 2010, 00:28:39
There, there...  Settle down, no need to shout.  ;)

It is the real world though, Brittanic, we're all real people after all. And Stuart's remark is relevant, since he clearly is joking too. It's humor that is beyond you perhaps, but it is still humor, so technically, on topic.

Now, let's all be friends again!  :thumbs:




Fred.


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 28, 2010, 00:55:16
Ah Now I Get It.....Although Ive Made You Mad TWICE.  :-\  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: HmhsBritannic on January 28, 2010, 00:56:47
So, Stuarts Saying Its Either A Fish Fish, Or A Marmite Fish. XD
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 28, 2010, 14:45:00
As opposed to a double posting fish
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 28, 2010, 15:48:08
Problem # 27
My TV reception was a bit blurry. To many Signal Interference.
So, I fixed it as usual id did it MY way
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on January 28, 2010, 18:40:01
that will hurt.
reminds me when i went to a camp and they shut off the building gets the hot water first. they moved out and all the hot water came to us... in the shower  :thumbdown:
awch
i know this is joke of the day.
the show is now a laugh but it was real
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 29, 2010, 01:30:47
i know this is joke of the day.
the show is now a laugh but it was real

What are you on about? Even for you, that makes no sense... And do you NEED to quote yourself so much?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on January 29, 2010, 06:43:01
Stu..I dub thee a Knight of Spamalot.. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 29, 2010, 20:41:27
I had a very nice visitor. His name was B.Urgler. He took everything what wasn't nailed or bolted down. Even in the smallest room things wern't safe.
So, I had to fix it, the usal way. MY way.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on January 29, 2010, 21:45:37
I think that's more effective than funny...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 31, 2010, 18:28:38
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING, ESPECIALLY ONCE RETIRED!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on January 31, 2010, 19:44:43
I had a very nice visitor. His name was B.Urgler. He took everything what wasn't nailed or bolted down. Even in the smallest room things wern't safe.
So, I had to fix it, the usal way. MY way.
don't get it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 31, 2010, 21:20:18
don't get it
Don't get what?
Anyhow, here is the next problem: That tiny tree I planted next to my front door grew a bit larger than I thought.
So, I fixed it. How do you like my treehouse?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on February 03, 2010, 08:52:45
 :D :lol:

Mick, a Kerryman, comes out of his bedroom, bent like an old man. His wife Betty is worried and asks him: "What's wrong with you? Have you any pain?'
'No,' he said, 'there is nothing wrong with me, but I can't stand straight.'
'Good Lord,' says his wife, 'I hope it's nothing serious, go and see a doctor immediately!'
When Mick came home walking properly, he said, 'it's wonderful what such a man can do. The doctor just looked at me and knew that when I got up I fastened the underpants on the collar-button.'

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 05, 2010, 20:13:29
Beeing quite unhappy with my wifes mood swings, I bought her a Mood-Ring the other day, so I would be able to monitor her moods.

We discovered that when she was in a good mood, the colour of the ring turns to green.

However, when she is in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.

Maybe next time I'll buy her a Diamond.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 13, 2010, 00:05:28
Someone told me 4-wheel drive was obsolete. So, what about 7-wheel drive?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 16, 2010, 20:20:15
Everything needed to say is sayed, let's go Back on Topic.

When you try to impress the ladies, just don't pimp your ride without thinking. :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on February 16, 2010, 20:21:15
Sorry Aad, I don't quite get that one?

Sorry
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on February 16, 2010, 20:24:26
Hi TFM,
JETTA was a model from Volkswagen. That is the joke, hardly in BMW class, or at least BMW would think so. :angel:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on February 16, 2010, 20:25:10
Hi TFM,
JETTA was a model from Volkswagen. That is the joke, hardly in BMW class, or at least BMW would think so. :angel:

hehe Thanks, makes much more sense now  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on February 16, 2010, 21:15:48
Sorry Aad, I don't quite get that one?

Sorry

No wonder as you're a Ferryman, not a Carman.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on February 16, 2010, 21:57:30
My excuses
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on February 16, 2010, 23:15:56
OK RJS87, no need to say more. We accept your apology with thanks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on February 17, 2010, 13:45:17
Everything needed to say is sayed, let's go Back on Topic.

When you try to impress the ladies, just don't pimp your ride without thinking. :evil:
;D  :D  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 18, 2010, 23:10:10
Please Gentlemen, stay ON Topic.

In desperate need of hot water and you only have a cold water tap?
PS
Don't try this at home
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RJS87 on February 21, 2010, 14:49:01
Please Gentlemen, stay ON Topic.

In desperate need of hot water and you only have a cold water tap?
PS
Don't try this at home


hahaha very nice :p
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 21, 2010, 15:37:06
Wanna eat a bowl of soup and forgot the spoon?
See attachement for the solution (Duct tape + zip tie = McGyver-spoon)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 25, 2010, 19:48:35
In need of a lot of groceries, no car and not in the mood for a walk?
Fix it!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 01, 2010, 21:23:39
Which powercord has that faulty insulation??
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on March 01, 2010, 21:25:15
British Government.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 02, 2010, 01:15:32
British Government.

Don't you swear here, McG!  >:( The Government is a joke, but it is not funny! :C
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on March 02, 2010, 07:41:47
Who said the jokes had to be FUNNY?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on March 02, 2010, 11:06:58
Who said the jokes had to be FUNNY?

McG, I would love to make political points, but I suspect Aad won't like it... (Sorry Aad). Any time you want a political chat, just let me know...  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 03, 2010, 00:28:31
I sincerly hope that this guy, who only tries to change a light bulb, has a very good health insurance.

<edit
typo corrected
end edit>
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on March 03, 2010, 00:33:00
Aad, do cruel jokes count too?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 03, 2010, 20:07:12
My wife consists that I buy her a Dish Washer. Instead of that I inveted a Dish Dryer   !:)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on March 06, 2010, 11:47:58
A ice fishing cat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx4uWPrBcFk
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 06, 2010, 20:00:29
A ice fishing cat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx4uWPrBcFk
Does this not belong here: http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,12843.msg154056.html#msg154056  ?

Anyhow, how about the latest technology in Anti Car Burgler Devices?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on March 06, 2010, 21:16:21
HI Aad
[Forum Game] What do you think its the strangest video on youtube.
sorry i do not understand why it shod be their, but if you mean it not are
fun enough to put here  :doh: well well i do not know this is not strangest video
on youtube
if some global mods mean it shod be moved or even deleted well then please do
sorry for posting in the wrong topics  :-\

Does this not belong here: http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,12843.msg154056.html#msg154056  ?

Anyhow, how about the latest technology in Anti Car Burgler Devices?

Quote
Quote from: TJK on Today at 11:47:58
A ice fishing cat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx4uWPrBcFk
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 06, 2010, 22:22:21
Ahoy Tore,
That's just my opinion. Not athe law  ;D, And off course, it's a funny movie. What you say is correct. It's to the Global mod's to say if it's in the right or wrong place.
Anyhow,
They say the Japonese industry copies everything from the western world. Well, I believe this woman invented this handsfree phoneset by herself.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 08, 2010, 17:02:20
C'me on bouyz and gals, Don't tell me that everybody runs out of funny things, like jokes, cartoons etc. :D
This thread wasn't ment as a One Man Show :doh:

Anyhow, in the meantime how about this alternative houseboat?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Sjoerd92 on March 14, 2010, 17:02:30
http://i43.tinypic.com/14iilpk.jpg    ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 14, 2010, 17:44:02
Ahoy Sjoerd,
Where is the punch-line in this joke? It is a joke, isn't it?

Anyhow, you bought your meat for the annual BBQ, but your oven seems to be defective.
Luckily you "forgot"  :evil: to return the shopping trolley.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 24, 2010, 17:33:37
Grandmother of All Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.  So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.           

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house.  The next day, right after her husband
leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint.  He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat..  He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
and a leather jacket at the same time.  He goes over and asks her if she
if OK.  She replies yes.  He asks what she is doing and she replies that
she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
wanted to do it by painting the house..
                                                                       
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.  She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said....

 







You'll love this...                                                 


     

                       
                                                                       
Yep.  I know you will...       





 









                                 

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."  




Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 24, 2010, 18:01:16
3 men married wives from different countries. The
first man married a woman from China. He told her that
she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took
a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home
to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

                   The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see
any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By
the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


                   The third man married a girl from England, a place
called Newcastle.  He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed,
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out
of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he
could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 05, 2010, 17:02:35
Planning a BBQ and don't have any idea how to bring enough beer to the location?
Try this "portable" keg.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: siso7 on April 07, 2010, 15:01:59
Hahaha, brilliant ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on April 07, 2010, 17:55:51
Poker Face.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 07, 2010, 17:58:31
Poker Face.
Correct.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 07, 2010, 18:41:45
No comment
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 07, 2010, 18:52:58
No comment
What is that? ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 07, 2010, 19:28:24
A not so successfull try to stop the leaking of a waterpipe. In my opinion they better replace the whole thing.

But what is that? A radiator or a still?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 11, 2010, 19:21:07
The Thirsty Sailor

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims: "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies: "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says: "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have ?"
"Fifty cents !"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: maalle heitetty kippari on April 19, 2010, 17:40:46
Look at these pictures of my ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 20, 2010, 16:30:24
Stiletto
The Stiletto catamaran looks kinda funny when on it's trailer because of the way it telescopes down to 8' from 14'.
Well one day while trailering it, I happen to pull in to a gas station when a young boy came up to me and asked "Hey, is this your boat?"
I replied "Well yes!". Kinda excited and proud to say it was.
The young boy then asked, "Then who does the other one belong to?".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on April 20, 2010, 22:10:19
I found SD on Twitter..

http://twitter.com/Saltydog

 ;D

http://www.youtube.com/user/darkchestofwonders

;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 21, 2010, 09:46:36
Good joke here:

http://www.flightradar24.com/
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 21, 2010, 18:04:38
@ DCOW, WM and CM1: None of your last replies has anything to do with a joke.
A joke looks like this one. It has an opening, a story and a punchline.

A sailor enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 21, 2010, 20:48:00
Great one, DCOW.   :thumbs:

Here's another one:

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers. "Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Pride of Rotterdam on April 24, 2010, 07:30:54
On a fine sunny day a ship was in the harbor. All of a sudden the ship began to sink. There was no storm and nothing wrong with the ship yet it sank right in front of the spectators eyes.
What caused the ship to sink? :captain:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on April 24, 2010, 08:37:36
The Submarine dived?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 24, 2010, 17:10:16
The perils of poor punctuation

A panda goes into a bar, orders a sandwich, fires a gun and heads for the door.
A shaken barman asks why. 'Look it up,' says the panda, throwing him a badly punctuated wildlife manual.
The barman turns to the relevant page:
'Panda: Bear-like mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on April 27, 2010, 15:27:29
(http://thatwillbuffout.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/129119364611102937.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thom301 on April 27, 2010, 15:37:45
got some for you.

thom
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 27, 2010, 19:09:59
Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on May 12, 2010, 21:39:25
Good night, Ferryman



(http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/sge/lowres/sgen55l.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on May 12, 2010, 21:40:08
 :D

That one really was for me  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on May 12, 2010, 22:41:11
The Parrot

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt! He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts. One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells: "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says: "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on". The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on May 13, 2010, 01:36:29
"The funniest joke in the world"..  ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 13, 2010, 16:12:07
At last this topic is alive again. For a while I thought me was the only contributer for it.
Anyhow, here's a new one:

The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?
•   GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

•   COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

•   HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

•   SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

•   JACQUES CHIRAC
We are chickens, and will veto any resolution that may force us to cross a road. It isn't safe.

•   DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

•   ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

•   MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

•   GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

•   JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

•   ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

•   KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

•   VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

•   RONALD REAGAN
What? chicken?

•   CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

•   ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

•   BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

•   COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on May 13, 2010, 18:53:34
Great one, Aad!  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on May 13, 2010, 20:22:53
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 13, 2010, 20:42:33
The funniest joke in the world !?

In October 2002, a British organisation called Laughlab announced the conclusion of a year-long international study to discover the funniest joke in the world. They found that the British, Irish, New Zealanders and Austalians prefer a play on words; that the French, Belgians and Danes have a taste for the surreal and Freudian; that Americans and Canadians enjoy jokes showing one group's superiority over another; and that Germans have the broadest sense of humour because they find almost anything funny.
 
The following joke was found to be the most popular world-wide:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods, when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is silence; then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on May 13, 2010, 20:45:03
 :doh:

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 13, 2010, 21:54:42
An office-manager, his secretary and his clerk where in a park during lunch-break. The clerk finds an old, copper oil lamp and starts rubbing it just to clean it up a bit. And poof, a Genie appears.
"You have one wish each", he said.
"Me first, me first", screams the clerk. "I wish meself in a Villa on a sunny Island, complete with a a swimming pool, enough food and drink for the rest of my life and a couple of lovely girls to accompany me."
"That's quite a lot for one wish" the Genie replies, "but alright, You'll have it", and gone is the clerk.
The secretary is second. "I wish the same as the clerk, plus a sissillion Dollars"
"Alright" says the Genie, You'll have it", and gone is the secretary.
"What about Your wish?" said the genie to the manager.
"Well, I want these two jokers back as they where in the first place, right after lunch break, in my office. :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 15, 2010, 16:04:14
The funniest joke in the world !?
Part 2

The top British joke was as follows:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you".

The favourite British word-play was as follows:
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum". Doctor: "I've got some cream for that".

To be continued

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on May 20, 2010, 07:53:51
There's plenty more fish in the sea...

Yeah, and a ton of whales!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: oceandream on May 20, 2010, 18:35:27
There's plenty more fish in the sea...

Yeah, and a ton of whales!


 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on May 20, 2010, 22:26:33
 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: oceandream on May 20, 2010, 23:39:01
:doh:
whats up with the sailing yacht sinking like titanic :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 13, 2010, 19:20:54
The funniest Joke of the World !?
Part 3

The top Franco-Belgian-Danish joke was as follows:
An alsation went into a telegram office, took a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof".
The clerk politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another woof for the same price".
"But", the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all".

To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Trampship Man on June 14, 2010, 16:54:01
Pat`and Mick were walking along a country lane when they met a man carrying a huge trout.   `That`s a beauty` says Mick, `where did you get it` ?    The man replied `just follow this lane and you`ll come to a bridge, lots of trout swim under this bridge`.    `But we`ve got no fishing tackle` says Pat.   `You don`t need any ` says the man, `all you have to do is hang over the bridge until a trout comes along, then just `tickle` it for a minute or two before snatching it out with your hand`.    `Right` says Mick, `We`ll have a go at that so we will`.    They continued along the lane until they came to a bridge which had fairly high stone walls.  Mick peering over the wall said `Jeez Pat it`s a long way down, but I`ll tell you what, I`ll hang over the bridge if you`ll hold on to me feet`.   So that`s what they did !  Pat grabbed Mick by the ankles and lowered him upside down over the wall.   After a few minutes Pats arms were getting tired so he shouted `Anything doing yet Mick` ?   `No` says Mick, `Give me some time`.   A few minutes more and Pat`s arms were really aching, so he again shouted `Anything doing yet Mick` ?   `No` says Mick,`Not yet`.   A few minutes more and Mick suddenly shouts `Pull me up Pat, quick, pull me up`!      `Why`? shouts Pat, `Have you got one` ?    `No`! shouts Mick,
`There`s a bloody train coming` !!!     
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 14, 2010, 17:43:11
The funniest Joke of the World !?
Part 4

 The top US-Canadian joke was as follows:
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions".
Texan: "Okay - so where are you from, DOH !?"


To be continued

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on June 15, 2010, 21:01:42
im not sure if this is real or not. it says it is


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on June 15, 2010, 21:02:35
They were IRI5H, not Canadian.


See that subtle hint as to who it could be? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on June 16, 2010, 07:55:53
im not sure if this is real or not. it says it is


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.


As much as I would love that to be true, it is unfortunately an urban myth.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 16, 2010, 10:22:01
Serious trouble for Canada



True, Very True

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 30 million.

16 million are retired.
That leaves 14 million to do the work. 

There are 8.5 million in school.
Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 1..5 million to do the work.

200,000 are in the armed forces
Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city Governments.
And that leaves 140,000 to do the work. 

At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.
Leaving 100,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,
Sitting on your backside,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice.    Real nice.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Trampship Man on June 16, 2010, 11:51:43
Did you hear about the Irish man that got struck by lightning?

He thought he was having his photograph taken :D

Jack.


What about the Irish tap dancer ?    He fell off into the sink !

Or:-   Did you hear about the Irish sea scouts ?    Their tent sank !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 16, 2010, 18:51:41
The funniest Joke of the World !?
Part 5
The top Australian joke was as follows:
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried.
She says: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says: "Well I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight .."

To be continued


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on June 18, 2010, 15:33:23
"Just call Apeldoorn"  (funny ad)   :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAe4VEN6lBM
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on June 18, 2010, 15:37:36
Push the brake pedal?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 05, 2010, 19:47:05
Proverbs For The Information Age


 1. Home is where you hang your @.
 2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
 3. A journey of a thousend sites begins with a single click.
 4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
 5. Great groups from little icons grow.
 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
 8. Oh, what a tangled website we have when first we practice.
 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There’s no place like homepage
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Nintendo and he won’t bother you for weeks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 12, 2010, 23:52:10
25 Phrases Of Wisdom


1.   If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2.   Age is a high price for maturity.
3.   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4.   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5.   If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.
6.   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7.   Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8.   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9.   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
10.   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11.   Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
12.   A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13.   Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14.   Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15.   No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16.   A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
17.   Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18.   Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
19.   Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20.   There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21.   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
22.   By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23.   Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24.   Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25.   Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 20, 2010, 09:32:20
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
 
 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
 
 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
 
 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
 
 Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
 
 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
 
 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
 
 The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
 
 The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
 
 'So bust him,' says the Chief.
 
 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
 
 The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
 
 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
 The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
 Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
 Chief: ' A senator?'
 Cop: 'Bigger'   
 
 Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
 Cop: 'Bigger.'
 
 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
 
 Cop: 'I think it's God!'
 
 The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

 Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: jim.smith on July 20, 2010, 10:36:22
Where have you been Mike.Have you escaped from a senior citizens home. :evil: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 20, 2010, 10:47:27
Where have you been Mike.Have you escaped from a senior citizens home. :evil: :lol:

Just got rather tired of all this!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 20, 2010, 21:58:40
'OLD'  IS WHEN...
Your  sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and  make love,'
and you answer, 'Pick  one; I can't do both!'


'OLD'  IS WHEN...
Your  friends compliment you on your new  alligator shoes
and you're  barefoot..


'OLD'  IS WHEN...
A  sexy babe catches your fancy
and your  pacemaker opens the garage  door,

'OLD'  IS WHEN.....
Going  braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of  your face.

'OLD'  IS WHEN...
You  don't care where your spouse goes,
just  as long as you don't have to go  along.


'OLD'  IS WHEN...
You  are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead  of by the police

'OLD'  IS WHEN...
'Getting  a little action'
means you don't need  to take any fiber today.

'OLD'  IS WHEN...
'Getting  lucky' means you find your car
in the  parking lot.

'OLD'  IS WHEN....
An  'all nighter' means not getting up
to  use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD'  IS WHEN...
You  are not sure these are jokes
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 25, 2010, 22:05:33
   
UP


Read until the end.....you'll laugh....

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP,
and why are the officers UP for election
and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room,
polish UP the silver,
warm UP the leftovers
and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house
and fix UP the old car.

At other times this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite,
and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: 
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary..
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it soaks UP the earth.
When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now  ........my time is UP !


Oh....one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U  P !

Did that one crack you UP?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on July 25, 2010, 23:06:15
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna aircraft crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 26, 2010, 18:10:56
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.  
It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.  
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.  
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.  
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.  
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me...  
Call (555) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

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Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: gibby12 on July 26, 2010, 20:26:08
hahahah cute puppy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 27, 2010, 23:58:45
CIA Joke

The CIA had a special mission for a special agent.
After an intensive program of selection, there was a shortlist of three top agents – two men and one woman. They were taken to a secret location for the final stage of the selection process.

In the reception room, they faced three locked and windowless rooms.

The first agent – a man - was told: “We have to be sure that you will do whatever we tell you to do. Here’s a gun. In that first room, you will find your wife seated, blindfold and handcuffed. Kill her!”
The man looked incredibly shocked and insisted: “There’s no way I could kill my wife”.
He was told; “Then you’re not the man for this job. Leave here and never say anything about what you have seen”.

The second man was given the same instructions in relation to the second room.
He entered the room and, for a long time, there was silence. Then he came out, his eyes streaming with tears. “I tried to do it”, he said, “but I just couldn’t”.
“Then you haven’t got what it takes”, he was told. “Go immediately and forget you ever applied for this job”.

There was only the female agent left and she was told that her husband was in the last room.
She went in as instructed. At first there was silence. Then there was a loud bang, then another, then yet another.
Next there was loud shouting, fierce screaming and incredible banging.
Finally the woman emerged from the room wiping the sweat from her face.
“That darn gun was full of blanks”, she screamed. “I had to kill him with the chair”.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 28, 2010, 17:04:58
Daddy comes by accident into his daughters Bedroom.
A Letter lies on her bed. After a moment of hesitation he decides to read the Letter:
“Dearest Dad,
Before You read any further, please sit down..........
It’s with pain in my heart that I have to tell You about my leaving Home and are living now together with my friend. I’m all in Love with him. He is a very kind and friendly guy, in spite of his piercings, tattoo’s and his giant Motorcycle.
But that’s not all. I’m pregnant and Achmed told me that we will be very happy at his temporary Hide-Out, at the brother of his Fathers Aunt.
He want’s a lot of kids and as You know, that’s my greatest wish too. And the long, black dress with the veil is very handy to avoid the sun, flies etc.
I just found out that Marihuana is not addictive at all, and we decided to grow it in our back yard, for us and our friends to use. Achmed is also busy in trading XTC and Cocaine and we have our own production line. We are doing very well, if I may say so.
The money we earn with this trade we need very hard, because we also are using that stuff, and the raw materials are quite expensieve.
You always told me that love alone is not enough to live from, so if you could spare a couple of hundreds..........
Achmed is inviting a few of his friends on a regulair base, so I can pay my share too.
I beg You to contact Your good friend, Dr.Med. X  if he has a supply of medication to cure Achmeds HIV.
And Dad, please don’t worry. After all, I’m already 14 Years of age and can look after myself.
In a couple of Years I’m coming over to visit You so You can see Your Grandchildren.
Your Loving daughter Cecile
XXXXX

P.S.
Daddy, are You still reading? And not frightened to much???
Silly You, that letter is only a Prank!
I’m playing at my Girlfriend’s Home, and just want to proove to You that there are more serious things then a bad School Report.
Mine lies onder my Pillow....................
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 02, 2010, 15:42:21
Joke or Prank?!


It's ready!!

(http://i32.tinypic.com/16biluh.jpg)





Only joking! But i'm just showing what it might look like!  :doh: :thumbs:











It's ready!!

(http://i32.tinypic.com/16biluh.jpg)





Only joking! But i'm just showing what it might look like!  :doh: :thumbs:












Your Decision
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: McGherkin on August 05, 2010, 09:33:14
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are on a plane flying across Europe when all of a sudden there is a mighty explosion and the planes fuselage blows off leaving all 3 hanging on the wing. Alarmed at what is going to happen, all of a sudden the 3 hear a yelling from the pilot saying that he should still be able to land the plane, just in order to do so he needs to balance the weight of the plane out, and to do so one of them will have to let go and fall off. After much pondering finally the Englishman pipes up and says "Ok, I'll do it, but on one condition", "Whats that?" the other 2 ask, "I'll do it as long as I can sing a song first," of course the other 2 are happily going to let the guy sing a song before he plummets to his death so they give him the nod. The Englishman clears his throat and starts off, "If your Irish and you know it clap your hands!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 05, 2010, 14:54:27
The genie and the Lamp

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking lamp.
Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
“For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic.
“But there’s a catch,” the Genie continued.
“What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for”.
“Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“Then what is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?”
“I could really use a million dollars ... “ replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney ... .”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on August 05, 2010, 17:28:37
Aad, 100% marks for that last one. :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on August 05, 2010, 18:02:44
Hahahah :lol: :D That one is a cracker. Especially MCG's one about the Irishman on the plane :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 05, 2010, 18:55:02
History of the World according to American Grade School Student Exam Papers

1.   Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2.   Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingrediants. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3.   Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4.   The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
5.   Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
6.   Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career sufferred a dramatic decline.
7.   Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8.   Julius Ceaser extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus’
9.   Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
10.   Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
11.   Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen’. As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted ‘hurrah’.
12.   It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper.
13.   The greates writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
14.   Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
15.   One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colnists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, ‘A horse divided against itself cannot stand’ Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
16.   Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.
17.   Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
18.   The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19.   Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered raio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.
20.   The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 13, 2010, 15:59:14
Signs In Foreign Lands


Those of you who may be planning summer travel, please remember that people in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists.
Here is a list of signs seen around the world.

- Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
- At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO GUARD ON DUTY.
- Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
- Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
- Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
- Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
- In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
- On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
- On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
- On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
- In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
- One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
- A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
- In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
- In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
- Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
- On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
- In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
- In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
- Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.
- Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
- Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
- Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
- Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
- Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
- In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
- Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
- Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
- Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
- From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
- In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
- Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
- Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
- An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
-A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
- Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
- Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
- The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
- In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
- Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
- On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 17, 2010, 18:41:08
Husband Down


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

The doc at the First Aid Post: "He will be able to eat solid food in about two weeks and be able to walk again in about 4 weeks"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: rennie on August 17, 2010, 18:50:50
yawn zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 17, 2010, 18:53:08
Rude behaviour won't be tolerated, so a friendly warning; Make your posts worthwhile and polite.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: rennie on August 17, 2010, 18:55:44
srry i take it back but i like the specialist in women and diseases sigh oolala
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 17, 2010, 19:16:29
Things I learned from the Movies

- Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
- Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
- Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All Telephone Numbers start with 555-
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the Language. A German or Russian accent will do.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 23, 2010, 19:39:56
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!!
 
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
 
If your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!
 
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wlships on August 25, 2010, 11:39:48
Things I learned from the Movies

Hahhaaaah! That was good, thanks, Aad.  ;D :2thumbs:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 05, 2010, 23:37:36
In the old days there when two people got married there where just two rings involved:
The Engagement Ring and the Wedding Ring for the Bride.
Later there where 3 rings: The Engagement Ring and the Wedding Ring for the Bride and the Wedding Ring for the bridegroom.
Nowadays there is one added for the spouse: The SUFFERING
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 18, 2010, 19:42:54
SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: freeciv on September 18, 2010, 21:01:39
after 35 its all down hill  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on September 19, 2010, 14:09:33
after 35 its all down hill  :P
and after 12 you get tones of Homework  :thumbdown: :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on September 19, 2010, 15:06:37
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
...

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thom301 on September 19, 2010, 15:21:40
 ;D nice
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 19, 2010, 15:33:18
TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY IN THE EARLY 2000's OFFICE

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.
OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, etc.
DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance".
VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the "THREE-FINGERED SALUTE."
ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 19, 2010, 19:14:43
A Cardiologist's Funeral


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate  funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thom301 on September 21, 2010, 13:58:18
haha, good one.

well now this is why you need to  understand english

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 21, 2010, 16:50:23
haha, good one.

well now this is why you need to  understand english

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY)

euhuuuuum, http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg130298.html#msg130298

In case of unsureness for double posting, use the S.E.A.R.C.H. Button.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: thom301 on September 21, 2010, 16:54:28
sorry Aad,

Did not see that one  :doh:

thom
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 22, 2010, 16:47:41
No Problem, Here's a new one

Cat Power


A magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.
Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

.........and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients:
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should here be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
p is the probability of carpet impact, s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.
Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on September 27, 2010, 22:48:20
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.


After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: freeciv on September 27, 2010, 23:30:04
Ha! vats a god one!!  ;D ;D


(thats a good one) :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 28, 2010, 19:10:10
Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:

 1.   Avoid alliteration. Always.
 2.   Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
 3.   Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat. )
 4.   Employ the vernacular.
 5.   Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
 6.   Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
 7.   It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
 8.   Contractions aren’t necessary.
 9.   Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10.   One should never generalize.
11.   Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12.   Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13.   Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14.   Be more or less specific.
15.   Understatement is always best.
16.   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
17.   One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18.   Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19.   The passive voice is to be avoided.
20.   Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
21.   Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
22.   Who needs rhetorical questions?
23.   Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: PI48895 on September 28, 2010, 21:16:39
Apologies in advance if this has already been posted, but it is one of my favorites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvjQPHDu5xE
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 28, 2010, 21:23:40
To my knowledge it was posted twice.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: PI48895 on September 28, 2010, 21:42:58
Sorry. 

I'm trying to stick with a nautical theme.  How about this one?

Oli kicked the bucket.
Sven, the editor of the local news, calls Lena to inquire about the obituary.
"So how much do your charge the widow for one of these obituaries?", asks Lena.
"The customary charge is $10 for five column inches or 50 cents per word, whichever is less." replies Sven. 
"OK.  Let me think." saya Lena.
After a few minutes, she says, "I got it."
"Go ahead when you are ready," says Sven, pencil in hand.
"Oli's dead."
"And..."
"That's it.  Oli's dead."
Sven clears his throat.  "Lena.  We have a five word minimum."
"Oh you do?  Well let me think some more then."
After a few more minutes, she continues, "I got it."
"Go ahead."
"Oli's dead.  Boat for sale."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: cptnchris on September 28, 2010, 22:51:25
Sorry. 

I'm trying to stick with a nautical theme.  How about this one?

Oli kicked the bucket.
Sven, the editor of the local news, calls Lena to inquire about the obituary.
"So how much do your charge the widow for one of these obituaries?", asks Lena.
"The customary charge is $10 for five column inches or 50 cents per word, whichever is less." replies Sven. 
"OK.  Let me think." saya Lena.
After a few minutes, she says, "I got it."
"Go ahead when you are ready," says Sven, pencil in hand.
"Oli's dead."
"And..."
"That's it.  Oli's dead."
Sven clears his throat.  "Lena.  We have a five word minimum."
"Oh you do?  Well let me think some more then."
After a few more minutes, she continues, "I got it."
"Go ahead."
"Oli's dead.  Boat for sale."

:doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 28, 2010, 23:26:33
19,866 x 10,543 = ??

Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life”.
Immediately, Bugs responded: “209,447,238”.
The sales assistant was astonished and asked: “How on earth did you do that?”
Bugs replied: “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying".
Title: Funniness!
Post by: freeciv on September 28, 2010, 23:31:28
HA!! I get it!!  :2thumbs: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 29, 2010, 09:31:06
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 29, 2010, 12:12:53
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner.
One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool”.
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool”.
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool”.
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
 â€I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 29, 2010, 12:14:48
During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 29, 2010, 12:57:39
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it  start?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 29, 2010, 16:39:32
Answering Machine Messages

•   Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.
•   Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So, can you talk to it instead?
•   Hi, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
•   Hi! Tom’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
•   Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they’ll get back to you.
•   This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I’ll think about returning your call.
•   Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message and, if I don’t call you back, it’s you.
•   Hi, this is George. I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call back.
•   Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
•   Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right slowly. So leave a message and, when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: PI48895 on September 29, 2010, 18:44:16
What do you call a really slow Jamaican?

Pokey, Mon.


What do you call a Ninja Pokemon?

Quiet-choo.
 :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 30, 2010, 15:51:33
So that sailor comes into that shady harbour bar, orders a pint and looks around.
He sees that large blackboard on the wall behind the counter and to his surprise he reads:
"Tomorrow free beer!"
He pays his pint and leaves, only to return the next day with half of his ships crew following him.
They all drink a lot and then want to leave without paying.
The barowner then shouts : "Hey, how about paying for your drinks?"
The first sailor point to the blackboard where the same message is still written on.
On what the barowner replies: "Can't you read? It says TOMORROW"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: rennie on October 01, 2010, 13:25:17
i got one i dont know if its posted yet but

knock knock
whos there
irish stew
irish stew who
ireshtew on ze name of ze law ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 07, 2010, 18:51:39
Scotch with two drops of water.

A  lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders  a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the  bartender gives her the drink she  says,

'I'm  on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and  it's today.....'

The  bartender says, 'Well, since it's your  birthday,  I'll buy you a drink.  In  fact, this one is on me.'

As  the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her  right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink,  too.'

The  old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I  want a Scotch with two drops of  water...'

'Coming  up,' says the bartender

As  she finishes that drink, the man to her left  says, 'I would like to buy you one,  too.'

The  old woman says, 'Thank you...  Bartender, I  want another Scotch with two drops of  water.'

'Coming  right up,' the bartender  says.

As  he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,   I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch  with only two drops of  water?'

The  old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my  age, you've learned how to hold your  liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a  whole other issue.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: PI48895 on October 20, 2010, 13:41:00
What's Italian, really fast, and made of cheese?





A Limberghini.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 20, 2010, 16:06:50
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s to heavy to hold him up any longer.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: PI48895 on October 20, 2010, 21:27:42
 :doh:
Ugh.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: PI48895 on October 20, 2010, 21:36:20
WARNING!  This joke makes anatomical references to canine privates.


A guy takes his retriever back to the breeder and asks for a refund.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the breeder.
The guy lifts up the dog's tail and points to his anus.  "You see that?" he says.  "That's too big.  Every time he jumps in the water to retrieve a duck he fills up like an empty bottle and I have to jump in after him and pull him out to keep him from drowning."
The breeder takes a look at the dog's anus.  He reaches under and twists the dogs testicles.  The dog gives a yelp and the anus puckers shut.
"Idiot," says the breeder.  "You had him adjusted for quail." 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 20, 2010, 22:09:57
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this was included in the brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, Foreplay 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 2.4.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help please?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: freeciv on October 20, 2010, 22:14:08
Ha! that ones good!  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 22, 2010, 16:01:47
Defining Calories:

Calories are the little beasts that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
 
My Closet is infested with them!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 29, 2010, 16:33:35
Examination Answers

Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.

English
Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
 
What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.

To be Continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Chitch on October 29, 2010, 23:56:37
Why can't ghosts get pregnant??

They all have Hollow-Weeners!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2010, 18:31:33
Examination Answers Part 2

Technology
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.

 
History
What is Britain’s highest award for valour in war?
Nelson’s column.


To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 31, 2010, 17:04:50
Examination Answers Part 3

Geography

Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
 
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they brake wind. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
 
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
 
What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on October 31, 2010, 17:25:33
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they brake wind. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

Hahah!!

Titanic Management consultant to crewmember
Consultant: To confirm, are we short of lifebelts or lifeboats?
Crewmember: Both, Sir.
Consultant. Excellent, we've made savings across the board.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 31, 2010, 18:42:14
Examination Answers Part 4

Biology

What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.

What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby.

What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.

Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors.

To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: lolmax123 on November 01, 2010, 16:53:26
IVE GOT A JOKE **** *** nono no just messin
i was in a tax building going to the 15 floor 15 other people came n the elevator with me how many people got of at floor 15
none
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 01, 2010, 19:31:47
Examination Answers Part 5

Sociology

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
 
What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.

To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 06, 2010, 21:28:59
Examination Answers Part 6

Medical

What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
 
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.

What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person’s chest or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
 
What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.

How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.

What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.

To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Calmac on November 06, 2010, 22:08:43
Examination Answers Part 2

Technology
What is a turbine?
                     
                 Sikh

Something a ^ Arab wears on his head.  :angel: (had to step in!!)
 

That might be reported as "Discriminative against Sikhs!!"  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 17, 2010, 00:13:20
Examination Answers Part 7


Psychology
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.

Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.

Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
 
What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments

To be continued
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2010, 21:27:26
Examination Answers Part 7



Chemistry
What is a supersaturated solution?
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.


Physics
What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.

What is a vacuum?
A large empty space where the pope lives.

What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.

This was the last part.
Ruling from the examination board:
"All students failed, therefore NO scholarschip"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on November 18, 2010, 21:36:49
May I say, I have enjoyed these Examination Answers Aad - they were very good  :thumbs:


one more...

(http://s3.amazonaws.com/picable/2007/09/15/59467_Wheres-X_620.jpg)


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: cptnchris on November 18, 2010, 21:42:18
May I say, I have enjoyed these Examination Answers Aad - they were very good  :thumbs:


one more...

(http://s3.amazonaws.com/picable/2007/09/15/59467_Wheres-X_620.jpg)



   :D  :D  :D I lvoe thjat one. Sometimes I want to twll my math teacher that!  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2010, 21:44:29
May I say, I have enjoyed these Examination Answers Aad - they were very good  :thumbs:

Ahoy TFM,
Glad you liked them.
Aad

Fancies Of Flight


Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1.   From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...”

2.   Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3.   After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

4.   As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5.   After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
 
6.   From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7.   â€œWeather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8.   â€œYour seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9.   â€œAs you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10.   â€œLast one off the plane must clean it.”

11.   From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”

12.   Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13.   Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14.   An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15.   After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

16.   Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."

Finally, one from my personal experience...
On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 22, 2010, 22:34:10
The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
 
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
 
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 25, 2010, 22:15:26
Great truths that little children have learned


 1 No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
 2 When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3 If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
 4 Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5 You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
 6 Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
 7 Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 8 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
 9 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
And last but for sure not least:
10 The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Capt.Pat on November 27, 2010, 18:20:57
Haha so true  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 27, 2010, 20:03:43
Male vs Female

A teacher of the Spanish language was trying to teach her class that, in opposition with the English Language, a noun could be male or female.
The word house is in Spanish female: “la casa” while the word pencil is male: “el lapiz”
One of the students asked: “Is computer male or female?”
Instead of answering the question, the teacher divided the class in two section, boys and girls and ordered them to decide it for themselves.
Each groupe had to give four reasons for their choice.

The boys decided that the word computer must be, without any doubt, be female: “la computadora” because
1)   only the maker understands the logic
2)   the language computers communicate with each other is incomprehensible to anybody else
3)   even the slightest error is stored in memory to recall later
4)   the moment you got a relation with a computer you spent halve your income on accessoires.......

 
The girls decided that a computer was male: “El computador” because
1)   before you can do anything with him you you have to get him out of his rest position
2)   although they have a lot of information, they can’t think independent
3)   they are esteemed to solve any problem, but most of the time they are the problem themselve
4)   as soon you have chosenn one you realize that if you waited a bit longer you could have a better model


The teacher decleared the girls to be the winners.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on November 27, 2010, 20:49:54
I think this teacher shouldn't be a teacher. ;D

Great one, Aad :)

Here's a political one.. :P

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
-Conan O'Brien
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2010, 16:38:31
A guy gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple. He can't believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on November 28, 2010, 17:52:16
these are complaints made to a well known Travel agents

I found them on BFe:

http://forums.bfenthusiasts.com/showthread.php?p=97967#post97967

From the Telegraph


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 28, 2010, 19:44:08
Great find, TFM.  :thumbs:

Great truths that adults have learned:

 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: freeciv on November 29, 2010, 01:12:22
I love the airline one!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 29, 2010, 16:23:56
Great truths about growing old:


 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: PI48895 on November 29, 2010, 22:22:22
Love the travelers complaints.   :lol:  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 29, 2010, 22:42:41
The four stages of life:


 1) You believe in Santa Claus.

 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 3) You are Santa Claus..

 4) You look like Santa Claus.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: floatboat on December 06, 2010, 06:08:47
hahahahah perfect christmass joke  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 07, 2010, 17:52:00
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?


Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Cat320DL on December 07, 2010, 18:07:06
The four stages of life:


 1) You believe in Santa Claus.

 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 3) You are Santa Claus..

 4) You look like Santa Claus.

LOL good one. :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 07, 2010, 19:07:23
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?

They both drop their needles !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: rennie on December 08, 2010, 15:30:26
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
nice one  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 08, 2010, 17:52:37
Q: What's Christmas called in England ?

A: Yule Britannia !

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?

A: Thanks, I'll never part with it !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: freeciv on December 10, 2010, 05:35:02
Here's a political one.. :P

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
-Conan O'Brien

I almost died laughing!! Now Obama Care can save me...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 10, 2010, 18:42:28
Q: Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
A: Because a little water ends both of them !

Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A: A pineapple !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 10, 2010, 20:52:24
If World War One was a bar Fight...
 
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: freeciv on December 10, 2010, 23:42:17
If World War One was a bar Fight...
 

So true!!   ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 11, 2010, 00:02:19
'Twas the Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller,
with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing in dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
 
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: floatboat on December 12, 2010, 00:56:23
sounds like the christmass from hell  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2010, 20:31:53
Q: What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
A: Platform shoes !

Q: What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
A: I'm going out tonight !
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 17, 2010, 21:56:25
On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . .


December 14, 2010

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2010

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2010

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2010

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2010

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2010

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2010

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2010

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2010

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2010

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2010

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2010

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 21, 2010, 22:29:48
A Microsoft Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 2010, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 7."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 2010 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."

Christmas 2010 is scheduled for release in December of 2010, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2011. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."

Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on December 24, 2010, 17:04:48
Getting into the Christmas Spirit...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLrFfQ8U1aw

Jack.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 24, 2010, 17:30:46
Politically Correct Santa


'T was the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 11, 2011, 16:52:16
"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS


Written by a third grader , on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. 
They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . 
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. 
They ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are anymore. 
They go to a building called a wreck center , but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now , they do exercises there , but they don't do them very well. 
There is a swimming pool too , but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. 
At their gate , there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. 
He watches all day so nobody can escape. 
Sometimes they sneak out , and go cruising in their golf carts. 
Nobody there cooks , they just eat out.  And , they eat the same thing every night - early birds.   
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. 
The ones who do get out , bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.   
When I earn my retardment , I want to be the man in the doll house. 
Then I will let people out , so they can visit their grandchildren.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on January 11, 2011, 17:28:45
Aad, the last two are quite brilliant. I was particularly taken with the politically correct  Santa, how very,very true in this day and age. UGH :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on January 21, 2011, 05:26:24
WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!


"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!! CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and even early 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get test ed for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy  Toffees, Gob stoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.


We ate biscuits, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd  films, 
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
>
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: freeciv on January 21, 2011, 20:53:47
^^The sad thing is now you can't do any of that.  :(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 21, 2011, 23:35:16
Mama's Bible


Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were
able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
Well, I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
         
The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
         
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
         
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
         
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
         
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
         
Luv Ya,
MAMA
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 02, 2011, 17:37:49
There was a convention of Beer brewers. After the convention three of the Owners of large breweries, Tuborg, Budweiser and Heineken are waiting on the Airport for their flight homewards. The plane was delayed, so they went to the Airport's bar to have a drink.
The owner of Tuborg ordered first: "Waiter, three Tuborg's please." Some time later the owner of Budweiser called the waiter for a round of Budweiser. Again some time later the owner of Heineken called the waiter: "Three Budweisers, please."
The other two guys where quite surprised and asked the Heineken man why he didn't order his own beer.
The Heineken guy looked at his watch and spoke the unforgettable words: "Gentlemen, it's just 10 past 11 in the morning. Isn't that a bit early to drink Beer?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 21, 2011, 20:52:45
Holiday Inn

The following is where you'll find me when I can't live alone anymore.   

This is my plan and I'm sticking to it!

Nursing home?  No thanks!  I am checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing  $188.00 per day, there is a better way when I get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. 
That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service,
laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a  lounge and washer-dryer, etc. ... Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.  Keep in mind that some even offer free breakfast too; if you get lucky you can knock that meal off your expenses as well!!

$5.00 worth of tips a day will have the entire  staff  scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There is a  city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus could also pick you up (if you can fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For  a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.  While you're at  the airport,  fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.   

It  takes months to get into decent nursing homes.  Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.  And you are not stuck in one place  forever, you can move from Inn to Inn , or even  from city to city. Want to see  Hawaii ?  They have a Holiday Inn there too.  TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress
replaced?  No problem. They fix everything ... and apologize for the inconvenience.     

The  Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they will call the undertaker or an  ambulance.  If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday  Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.       

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.
And the grandkids will love the pool ...

What more can you ask for? 

So, when we reach that golden age, we'll face it with a grin ... just forward all our email to the

Holiday Inn


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry King on February 21, 2011, 20:53:38
*laughs his head off!!! ;D) :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on February 26, 2011, 07:24:19
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_s_4yGShl0sY/TTO5nJ2DIsI/AAAAAAAADKQ/TCACVD_ljbI/s1600/Big-Titanic-sign.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on February 26, 2011, 09:17:18
Hi AaD
I have removed posts
                                Eric
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 26, 2011, 17:04:55
Hi AaD
I have removed posts
                                Eric
Tnx a lot, Eric.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 01, 2011, 19:52:28
The Doc just told me: "You can have just One can of beer a day".
So, I ordered one!
Feeling much better now ! 

 

 

 

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on March 02, 2011, 08:46:27
Life starts at 100 !!   ;D ;D ;D

(http://hometestingblog.testcountry.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/100-years-old-woman.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 07, 2011, 23:17:22
Six Facts of Life


Fact # 1: You can't stick out Your Tongue and look at the ceiling simultainosly. Its Physical Iimpossible












Fact # 2:All Fools will try to do what can't be done according to fact 1











Fact # 3: And will find out that Fact # 1 isn't true











Fact # 4: You're smiling right now because you're no fool














Fact # 5: You know which Fool You will send this Facts to












Fact # 6: You're still smiling



I want to apologize to all who read this, but as You all know, I'm a Fool and I wanted some company
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on March 08, 2011, 11:54:07
Hmmm, Facts 4-6 don't work with me  ::)

you got me with the first few though :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 10, 2011, 14:00:43
Have a look at  This One. (http://www.terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.html)
Turn your sound on and please watch it to the End.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 22, 2011, 18:40:38
NOW THIS IS A CLASSIC

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2011, 18:36:35
Welcome to the Party!
I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister of Canada some day. Both of her parents, NDP supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,
 
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the NDP Party!"
 
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her. I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
 
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party."
 
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.”

 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 21, 2011, 21:50:23
According to  this topic (http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,25421.msg337795.html#msg337795) the world is ending today. Well, as soon I sense somthing unusual, I fly to Ireland. Why? Everything happens there 2 years later. Right?!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 03, 2011, 17:26:06
Ha
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 03, 2011, 17:53:37
L M S O
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 14, 2011, 21:45:07
A blonde woman decides to buy a salt water Fish Tank.
So the drives to the seaside for salt water.
On the Brighton pier she meets that old Fisherman
She asks him if it is possible to buy some salt water.
"That’s no problem" is the answer from the Fisherman
"How much is a bucket filled with salt water?"
"About five Pounds."
"OK, give me two."
She pays the ten pound and drives homewards.
Back at home she pours the water in the fishtank, only to find out that she needs a lot more.
So, she drives back to Brighton.
In the meantime it’s Ebb Tide.
The same Fisherman is sitting there and she asks him:
"Did you sell a lot water today?"
"how so" is the response of the Fisherman.
"Because the water is so low right now"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 16, 2011, 10:40:59
Irish Mirror
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
An old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
Back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
The way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
And look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
The mirror......................................................................................
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 06, 2011, 20:30:57
Greek crises, What Crises!?

Secret tip for your next vacation, but take care:

It's a nice, sunny day in a small Greek village. All streets are empty, this time is not to good. Everybody has depts and lives on credits.

That same day a wealthy German tourist drives his car into that sleepy village and stops at a small hotel.

The tourist tells the hotel owner that he would like to see some rooms and may rent one for just one night. He asks for one or two room keys and places a 100 Euro bill as a kind of security on the counter.

The owner hands over a few keys.

The very moment the guest goes up the stairway, the Greek tooks the money, runs over to his neigbour, the butcher and pays his depts

The butcher takes the money, runs to the pigfarmer and pays him his depts.

The pigfarmer uses the money to pay for the reefer storage

The guy from the reefer storage runs to the pub to pay his bills.

The pubowner gives the money to a beverage dealer who he owns the 100 Euro.

The beverage dealer runs to the hotel where he pays his depts.

The hotel owner puts the money back on the counter.

The very same moment the tourist comes downstairs, explains to the owner that he doesn't like the rooms, takes the 100 Euro bill and leaves the village.

So, what has really happen?

Nobody produced anything.
Nobody earned anything.
Everybody is dept free and looks optimistic to a bright Future.


And that's the way to make an end to the Greek Euro Crises
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 12, 2011, 16:38:52
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.  

I said pleasantly: "Good morning and welcome to Wal Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say: "Well no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.. What did you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"

So I replied: "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."  

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 26, 2011, 17:00:17
Great Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on August 07, 2011, 20:39:16
A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 07, 2011, 21:48:25
this family up in ely has a tradition: on every mans 18th birthday, they take a boat to the middle of the lake, step off, and walk across the lake and have their first beer at the grand ely lodge. one august day, it was one of the sons' 18th birthday. so they took him to the middle of the lake, he steps off the boat, and begins drowning. so they pull him back aboard and he's crying, "i'll never be a man! WaaaaaaaaaH!"
old wise aunt agnes barks to him, "of course you will! your ancestors were born in january!"

chuck norris's tears can cure cancer. too bad he never cries.

why can't helen keller drive?
because she's a woman.

why did helen keller's dog run away?
you would too, if your name was "DuuuHHHHWEEEEE"

helen keller's parents gave her a basketball to read.

what do you call 50 tractors circling a McDonalds in iowa?
prom night.

so this guy goes to a resturant and orders chili. but the waiter says they don't have anymore chili.
the guy next to him has a big heaping bowl of the stuff and says, "you can have mine. i'm not that hungry."
the guy than digs into the chili and halfway through, he comes across a big dead rat. he barfs all the chili back into the bowl and the other guy says, "yeah. thats how far i got too."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 10, 2011, 10:00:54

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow,
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo,

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Bloody hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm bloody sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million Euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a bloody clock!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on August 10, 2011, 11:20:55
 :lol: :D

An Irishman walks out of a bar...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 10, 2011, 15:55:30
@ CaptainMike1  :thumbs:
@ Irishjack WHOOOOHAAAAHAAAAHAAAA   ;D :2thumbs: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on August 11, 2011, 19:12:00
An Irishman walks out of a bar...

"like"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 15, 2011, 12:57:32
  A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have  a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie? 
 
   
 The  barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a  ham and cheese toastie.


The  rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then  leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and  again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese  Toastie. 

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit  and the extra drinkers in the pub,  (because  word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie.  The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
 
The next  night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and  says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese  Toastie,  please  barman.' 
 
The crowd is hushed as the barman  gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into  applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night  there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have  been laid on for the crowds of patrons  attending.

The  barman is making more money in one week than he did all last  year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and  a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please  barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate,  old mucker, but we are right out  of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...' 

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has  quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears  his throat  nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion  Toastie.'

The  rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will  like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly  silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you  think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know  you'll love  it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer  and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with  glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. 

He  then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO  RETURN!!!!!! 

-----
One year later, in the now  impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4  drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When  he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white  form, floating  above the bar.. 

The  barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered, 

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent  your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you.  You made me famous.

You would come in every night and  have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The  rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I  remember, on your last night we didn't have any  Ham  and  Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one  instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I  would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back,  what happened?'

'I DIED', said  the rabbit. 

'NO!'  said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the  rabbit said...


 'Mixin-me-toasties
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 15, 2011, 15:42:41
Ahoy CaptainMike1,
That, my friend, is the funniest joke I've heared/read in a long time. Starting slowly, building up suspence and ending with a pun. That are a really good jokes ingredients.
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 17, 2011, 02:49:39
i have a joke like that:

so these three explorers were trekking through the jungle, when they came across a mayan temple. they run up the stairs, get to the temple at the top, and find three chests. around each chest are jewels. the first explorer goes to the chest with sapphires, opens it, and finds a card that says, "you will die a watery death."
he doesn't care about the card, takes the jewels, and leaves.
the second explorer comes up to the chest with rubies, opens it, and finds a card that said, "you will die a fiery death." he doesn't care, takes the jewels, and leaves.
so the third explorer goes to the chest with diamonds, opens the chest, finds a card that says, "you will die a mysterious death." he ignores the card, takes the jewels, and leaves.

5 years later, back home, the three explorers became millionares.
one lived in a mcmansion in miami, one lived in a mcmansion in new york, and one lived in a mcmansion on park point in duluth, of course.

one day, the third explorer gets the news that the first one drowned in the ocean near his miami house and died. he feels sad, but gets over it.

the next day, he gets the news that the second explorer died when his new york mansion caught on fire. by now the first explorer was getting a little freaked out.

the next day, a whirlpool appeared in lake superior outside his house. nobody knew how it got there, and every day, it would drag a taconite freightor to the depths.

one cold night, the whirlpool grew and grew and grew until a coffin flew out and thudded on the beach.

the coffin slid towards the guy, so he ran inside. the coffin slid through his door. he ran up the stairs; the coffin followed.

he ran up to the attic, and the coffin creaked up the stairs. he then threw a cough drop at the coffin and it instantly was destroyed.

moral: the cough drop stops the coffin. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 18, 2011, 09:15:18
Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 18, 2011, 14:59:11
Cheers, and Mud in Your Eyes  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 18, 2011, 17:00:54
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 18, 2011, 17:23:03
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was a joke!

Here's another:

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 21, 2011, 16:20:19
@ WM
If this is the funniest contribution to this topic You'll ever made, than I have just one option:
"Where is my key.........................Found it.............................LOCK
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 21, 2011, 23:00:00
Cleaned up and re-opened!  :thumbs:

Let's keep within a certain spirit of things. Any doubtful posting that goes against that might just be removed.  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 22, 2011, 00:33:34
Ok, if the traditional Rebecca Black joke didn't pass past the approval stage on here, let's see if this one will do:


Captain of U-boat, ex-Nazi old salty sea dog, sees the ship & orders the 1st Officer to launch the torpedo.  Officer sighs but complies with an order. With prepared pride & smile the captain takes out the box of star stickers & a pint, while keeping an eye on the target through the periscope.  To his wonder the target was still going, even after a few minutes.  Captain asks the 1st Officer in confusion: "Did you launch the torpedo???"  "Yes, sir", answers the officer. "Then why I see no explosion?  It should have already happened by now!  I want my pint!"  "Well, you see, sir, that's a hovercraft...", was a response.  "So what?", answers the captain back with a blunt look on his face, to which the officer explains without emotions: "The hovercraft goes above the water & it's impossible to sink it with a torpedo which goes under the water".  Even moar confused captain thinks for a few seconds & then laughs hysterically: "LMAO What a cowards!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on August 22, 2011, 09:15:03
not more WM Jokes  :2thumbs:  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 22, 2011, 09:29:07
 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 23, 2011, 10:08:05
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 23, 2011, 21:42:53
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!!
Gentlemen,
Please keep watch for the "7 Year Youngster" Rule
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 23, 2011, 21:44:03
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Same for you. Please keep watch for the "7 Year Youngster" Rule
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 23, 2011, 23:50:30
Come on - these 2 jokes are absolutely harmless!
Please read the rules on page ONE of this topic.
Jokes may never contain things like sexuality
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on August 24, 2011, 11:16:21
an Audio quattro with 5 irish men inside pulled up in to fishguard harbour after coming of the ferry and got pulled in by British transport police.  the police man said "So your coming into the country Illigaly!"
One of the men say "how we have 5 tickets, were not banned from the contry?"
the police man says " the car says quattro or in french 4- so who is the illegal person?"
One of the men say " what??? we have 5 tickets, we have our passports in the car, we want to speak to your supervisor!"
the police men says "he is currently arresting 2 peopol in a fiat uno!"

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2011, 12:57:53
I recently visited a mental asylum, and I asked the director "how do you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub.I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 24, 2011, 13:01:12
I recently visited a mental asylum, and I asked the director "how do you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub.I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?

I've been watching this thread for ages for a funny one. I like this one, Mike!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2011, 15:27:09
They came from our six year old grand daughter!
Then You'll better have a talk with Your Kids   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 24, 2011, 17:09:47
By whom, Mike?

The Italians who make Fiats
The Germans who make Audi

The British for supposedly being beauracratic enough to do something this stupid.

Well, all three points are true. So that might be a bit of a problem proving racism; and as for the Irish, it sounds like they were just travelling so no insult there.

(now I just wait for Aad to moan that this is "off topic")  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2011, 18:27:16
moan, moan, moan, moan, moan, moan, moan, moan, moan,
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2011, 19:43:50
Ahoy krytsch,
I did send You a PM.
And to be very clear about it: There is no way what so ever that I or anybody else encourages discrimination. Even better, I hate it. Off course I can't speak for the rest of the Forum Members, but I'm pretty sure that almost all of them think the same way. And to make it clear, I will re-write the rules about that point.
Kind Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on August 24, 2011, 19:57:57
By whom, Mike?

The Italians who make Fiats
The Germans who make Audi

The British for supposedly being beauracratic enough to do something this stupid.

Well, all three points are true. So that might be a bit of a problem proving racism; and as for the Irish, it sounds like they were just travelling so no insult there.

(now I just wait for Aad to moan that this is "off topic")  ::)
in french quatto  means 4
and uno in a diffrent launguage ( i cant remeber  :doh:) means one
what they mean is the police are going off car names
not Tikets
and fishguards a big port where ferries goes to Ireland
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 24, 2011, 20:15:43
cough italian cough   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2011, 20:28:16
F-14 Tomcat


Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.
If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds,' your sense of humor is seriously broken.
Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam

Change your name

Fake your own death!!

Whatever you do:

Do Not Go!!!

I know.


The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped . . . I was toast! I should have known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, and a finger-crippling handshake . . . the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting...' Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have liftoff".

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas", he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign . . . like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to impress Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know "cool". Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it?? I asked.

TWO BAGS

Title: Re: Joke of the eternity
Post by: Wave Music on August 24, 2011, 21:37:49
Justin Bieber. 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2011, 22:22:22
Justin Bieber. 
Meaning what?  :doh: Can't laugh  :sleepy:  :sleepy:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 24, 2011, 22:32:28
Quote
Joke of the eternity:  Justin Bieber.

There  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 24, 2011, 22:38:04
your joke of the eternity is justin bieber?

yes...yes...just, yes... ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 24, 2011, 23:44:04

There  :thumbs:

 Remember that one? (http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg347607.html#msg347607)
You can only insult me so many times . WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING Final WARNING
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 25, 2011, 00:09:20
I don't find anything insulting in my joke personally towards Aad unless he's Bieber himself, I can't see how that joke violates the "no sexuality, rude language, descrimination" along with how it's too dangerous for 7-yearers & how it's not relevant to the topic's title.  Also, I doubt real Bieber will ever visit this forum & search for my post.



With that clarified, here's a retro one:

Three drunk Russians (!) were walking on the railway:

- Now that's the ladder!

- Walked like 5 km and we're not even a one step UP!

- Yay! Finally the lift is coming!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 25, 2011, 09:15:04
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 25, 2011, 09:28:04
A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles..

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed... Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window...

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this  is true.!!)



1.. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ....

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card..

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 25, 2011, 14:02:03
Isn't that discriminating the female population?  :evil:
Didn't you know that a gentleman behind a cars steering wheel is most of the time a woman?
Nevertheless:
Great Joke  :thumbs: (Only if it is ment to be funny  :doh: )
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 25, 2011, 14:03:43
Capsizing Islands! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjUpEbCgp9A&feature=related)

 :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 25, 2011, 15:00:12
Capsizing Islands! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjUpEbCgp9A&feature=related)

 :doh: :doh: :doh:
I think that this guy(s) are not aware about the nonsense they are speaking. Hip Hip USA  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 25, 2011, 17:03:33
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell heaven are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.


Modified to keep AAD happy who sent me what I think must be a joke as a PM:

"Ahoy CaptainMike1,
Please mind your language. Phrase like "Where the Hell" are not acceptable according to the "7 year old youngsters"
I can't imagine that you would be happy if one of your (grand)kids would ask you: "where the hell is my skateboard?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 26, 2011, 19:59:04
Growing Old

Three Senior Citizens running into each others way after quite a long time.
Asking and telling to each other what they are doing nowadays the first guy said: "I do a lot of travelling and take as many pictures from nice places as I can. Nice things those digital camera's."

The second replied: "I'm now a proud owner of an orchard and have pleasure in growing my own fruit and can help out other, not so lucky people with some fresh fruit every day. As you geezers all know: an apple a day keeps the docter away."

The third guy finally offers he two bits by telling that he is doing a lot of search work!
The other two guys, quite impressed, overwhelming him with questions about what and where he was searching.
With a smile from ear to ear he answers: "Well, every day I'm searching for my glasses, my dentals, my cane, my cellphone, my keys, my carpapers and so on, and so on."  :evil:


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2011, 17:05:31
Here's a nice religious one:

Elderly couple in church..Wife turns to husband and says "I'v just done a silent fart..What should I do? Husband looks at her and says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on August 27, 2011, 17:11:05
Here's another.. ;)

A little girl wants to go

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 27, 2011, 20:27:33
yes! ;D ;D

so a minnesota viking football player and a green bay packer player die and go to heaven.

god says, "up here, everyone gets their own house."

so he shows the packer his house first: it was a basic log cabin with three rooms, some small windows, and a faded packers flag on the front porch. beside it is an enormous white mansion towering 10 stories high. it has massive pillars and a huge glass dome on the roof with a minnesota flag on top. between the pillars are viking banners.

so the packer says, "hey god, how come i have this little run-down cabin and the viking has this huge mansion?"

and god says, "oh thats not his house, thats mine."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on August 27, 2011, 21:04:52
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but
you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven.
Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks,
"Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and
symbols, his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both
managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 27, 2011, 22:23:46
Conspiracy against the Senior Citizens

Did you too realize that the stairs get steeper and the distances getting longer every day?
Just yeasterday It surprised me how long my street was gone, just overnight.
The gravity also did increase over the last thirty years or so. I notice it especial when I rise up out of my lazy chair.
People don't care anymore for each other, special the Youngsters. They always are whispering. And if you ask them to speak up a bit, they only repeating their words by moving their lips. What do they think? That I'm a lipreader??
They also look a lot younger then I was at their age. On the other side: People of my age looking a lot older than I look!
They other day I saw a neighbor who was so dilapidated that he even didn't recognize me.
And everybody drives so hasty nowadays! On the freeway I always are risking my life. Everybody behind me have to make an emergenzy stop, opr bump right in the back of my car. In the rearview mirror I spot them shouting and making strange gestures.
Boy oh Boy, how fast will their brakes wear out.
Also the manufacturers of clothes are messing around. Why is Jeans size 34 0r 36 in standard size suddenly changed to 56 or 58?! What do they think? That we are so dumb not to notice?
I tried to reach the complaint department by phone, but even the printers of the phone-book are in on that conspiracy! They are printing the numbers in a so tiny printsize that almost nobody is able to read them correct
All I can do is to tell you people about that: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
It has the very most priority that something is done about it before we all are victims from this outregous situation.
Let's take care that this conspiracy, and believe me, that's what it is, will be stopped!   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 28, 2011, 11:07:49
yes! ;D ;D

so a minnesota viking football player and a green bay packer player die and go to heaven.

god says, "up here, everyone gets their own house."

so he shows the packer his house first: it was a basic log cabin with three rooms, some small windows, and a faded packers flag on the front porch. beside it is an enormous white mansion towering 10 stories high. it has massive pillars and a huge glass dome on the roof with a minnesota flag on top. between the pillars are viking banners.

so the packer says, "hey god, how come i have this little run-down cabin and the viking has this huge mansion?"

and god says, "oh thats not his house, thats mine."

DOn't get it....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bullets on August 28, 2011, 11:36:14
yes! ;D ;D

so a minnesota viking football player and a green bay packer player die and go to heaven.

god says, "up here, everyone gets their own house."

so he shows the packer his house first: it was a basic log cabin with three rooms, some small windows, and a faded packers flag on the front porch. beside it is an enormous white mansion towering 10 stories high. it has massive pillars and a huge glass dome on the roof with a minnesota flag on top. between the pillars are viking banners.

so the packer says, "hey god, how come i have this little run-down cabin and the viking has this huge mansion?"

and god says, "oh thats not his house, thats mine."
:doh: **** *** ****,  this joke make no sence  :thumbdown:



Edited for language -  Fred.  (please mind your language, even if you censor yourself, it's still not acceptable.)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 28, 2011, 12:20:18
:doh: What The F*$%, this joke make no sence  :thumbdown:

Ah, so it's not just me being thick then
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on August 28, 2011, 12:22:56
The Joke is God is a Viking fan...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 28, 2011, 13:06:37
:doh: What The F*$%, this joke make no sence  :thumbdown:
Gentlemen, please mind your language. Swearing and using rude words, even if you censured them, is against the rules of this forum in general and this topic in special. Please read those rules (page 1 of this topic) prior to post a message.
Thanks for understanding 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 28, 2011, 14:17:58
Oh for heaven sake Aad, calm down.


TFM: I get it now. Very, very funny. I can't stop laughing. How on earth did I not find it funny to start with.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on August 28, 2011, 14:20:10
Oh for heaven sake Aad, calm down.


TFM: I get it now. Very, very funny. I can't stop laughing. How on earth did I not find it funny to start with.
sorry but why does Aad need to calm down? thats not an angry post he is telling someone that its not allowed to swear
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 28, 2011, 14:22:42
Aad is always posting "don't write this, don't write that, topic locked" type comments.

Oh never mind- like most people I shall just avoid this thread like the plague. Very rarely is anything funny anyway.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 28, 2011, 16:21:22
And he is quite right since that kinda language is not necesary, nor acceptable.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 28, 2011, 16:36:17
Fred, maybe we should use this topic in a read-only mode since it's only Aad who knows here what to post & how to post?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 28, 2011, 16:59:58
Fred, maybe we should use this topic in a read-only mode since it's only Aad who knows here what to post & how to post?

Yep, I'm with him on that one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 28, 2011, 17:01:08
Don't be a smartbum about it gents, or I will put your accounts to read-only for a while, you both know well enough that the F word is not allowed here, no matter if it's self-censored or not.

Participate in this topic as it is intended, or don't post in it at all.. it's not rocket surgery you know..  ::)

Aad's rules are the same as the main forum rules, so everyone SHOULD know how to post in it, ignorance of the rules is no excuse.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 28, 2011, 17:43:54
Fred, agreed about the swearing, but what about mine jokes?  I try to avoid swearing, sex stuff, profanity, racism and all that.  Yet, some were not comfortable enough having Bieber or Rebecca Black harmless jokes on here.  Yes, harmless & specially suited for the forum rules, comparing to what you can see on Youtube.  
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on August 28, 2011, 19:17:43
Fred, agreed about the swearing, but what about mine jokes?  I try to avoid swearing, sex stuff, profanity, racism and all that.  Yet, some were not comfortable enough having Bieber or Rebecca Black harmless jokes on here.  Yes, harmless & specially suited for the forum rules, comparing to what you can see on Youtube.  

The main problem is that they were not funny. :doh: Who on earth is Rebecca Black or Bieber for that matter. ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on August 28, 2011, 19:21:51
                           THE GREEN THING            
In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she
should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green
thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store.
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled,
so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
Store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower
machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But he was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up
220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that cashier was right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?),
not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded
Up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
The lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working
so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But he's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup
or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their
Bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets
To power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a
signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
Folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
Lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Not new but none the less true!!!


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 28, 2011, 19:31:51
Oooohhhhhh so true.  :2thumbs:

And so is this
Bedroom Story

I'm lying on my bed and think about you.
How unexpected you arrived last night.
And how eager I would hold and squeeze you

What happened last night in my bed, I simply can't forget.        
I still can feel the parts of my body where you touched me.
You arrived out of nowhere and your mouth was going all over my body.  

You really drived me crazy.
At last I fell asleep, and when I woke up, you were gone.  
I searched for you, but with no luck.  
My body still shows fainting marks of your enthousiasm.        
Therefore it's even more arduous to forget about you.[\center]




                       You bloodsucking Mosquito
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on August 28, 2011, 19:43:52
Angus, that's not a joke ! :D It's the gospel truth !!  :2thumbs:

... and it's not "Small Talk" either ..... it's a thought provoking matter !!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 28, 2011, 19:44:12
uhm... traddles, thats not really a joke. no offense. can we all please get back on topic and start telling jokes again?

since it was my viking joke that people didint get and made the topic spiral out of control, ill start:

a woman was found dead, floating in a bathtub full of milk and cheerios. the police suspect a cereal killer. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 28, 2011, 19:47:45
Rocket science or brain surgery, do you mean, Fred?  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on August 28, 2011, 19:48:29
Hi Rbsanford, believe me that really IS a joke. When one is scorned by younger folks it is hilariously funny, to them. :( :-*
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 28, 2011, 19:49:13
oh. it just didint look like a joke to me.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on August 28, 2011, 19:51:11
That is because you ARE a young person. ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on August 28, 2011, 20:14:40
I thought it was quite clever  :thumbs:

Thanks for that Ralphy, perhaps I am not so green as I am cabbage looking. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on August 28, 2011, 23:35:31
Rocket science or brain surgery, do you mean, Fred?  :P

I meant to write what I wrote for the very reason of getting a reaction like this.  ;D

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 29, 2011, 09:56:23
Aad is always posting "don't write this, don't write that, topic locked" type comments.

Oh never mind- like most people I shall just avoid this thread like the plague. Very rarely is anything funny anyway.

Stuart, that's the funniest thing in weeks!!

 ::) ::) ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 29, 2011, 11:03:42
Stuart, that's the funniest thing in weeks!!

 ::) ::) ::)

Regrettably, my very straight face, unfunny comment, IS the funniest thing in weeks. However, I shall leave you to your thread totally free of my comments and I invite all those who don't find this funny and are making adverse comments to join me and leave these comedians alone.

Just because we don't find it all funny, it doesn't mean others do.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on August 30, 2011, 12:40:18
I'm not sure this classifes as a joke, but its still funny!
(http://www.thepoke.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/henj1.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on August 30, 2011, 12:50:51
Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday.

 A spokesman said, "The people of Glasgow had no idea they had a library."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 30, 2011, 13:13:09
Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Fleetwood yesterday.

 A spokesman said, "The people of Fleetwood had no idea they had a library."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 30, 2011, 14:01:38
locals are said to be in a state of shock after police found a stash of guns behind the fittness center in Miluakee yesterday.

a spokesman said, "the people of miluakee had no idea they had a fitness center."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on August 30, 2011, 15:00:33
And now for something completely different...

Dear Tech support.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
Also it appears to have self installed some kind of system destroying application called Mother-In-Law 2.5, which appears interfear with all other applications I attemp to run?

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me!!

Thanks Joe



Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an "OPERATING SYSTEM" and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (PS). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C: APOLOGIZE.
The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the PS.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

There is an application called Mistress 2.1 which may help, but we warn you, this MUST be installed using STEALTH MODE!! As again this is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck.
Tech Support
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on August 30, 2011, 15:15:08
Nice one.. :lol:   I keep my system simple and run program Bachelor 4.0   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 30, 2011, 15:29:53
I'm not sure this classifes as a joke, but its still funny!
(http://www.thepoke.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/henj1.jpg)

Lmaoooooooooooooooooo0000000000000000000000OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 30, 2011, 17:19:11
Lmaoooooooooooooooooo0000000000000000000000OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  ;D

Must be a Russian Ikea joke?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on August 30, 2011, 17:28:23
As far as I know danny is not Russian..  Even I get it.. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 30, 2011, 17:29:10
I thought that was the reason WM liked it, he seems to like most things Russian?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on August 30, 2011, 17:49:58
I thought that was the reason WM liked it, he seems to like most things Russian?

Russia is a unique country.  Nothing like the boring Europe.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on August 30, 2011, 18:08:16
Inbefore 7 year old rule is preached   ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Bullets on August 30, 2011, 18:09:25
Time for a joke..

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'





 :2thumbs: more more more  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on August 30, 2011, 18:53:59
Hide him during a war

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on August 30, 2011, 19:02:16
Vladimir the Immigrant arrives at Dover Docks, wanting to work in the UK, suddenly out of nowhere a fairy appears

 "Distant traveller, I shall grant you three wishes, what is your first wish?"

 Vladimir doesn't hesitate and says "I'm Starving, please, food!"

 POW, a huge banquet appears before his eyes

 "Your second wish?"

 Vladimir gives it some thought "Hmm, I would like a big house to live in"

 POW, a massive mansion with a long driveway, gardens and lamborghini appear

 "And you final wish?"

 Vladimir gives it some more thought before his face lightens up with glee

 "I Want to be a proper British citizen!" Vladimir cries with glee

 POW...The Banquet and Mansion dissapear

 "WHAT?!" Vladimir demands

 "You wanted to be British? You get sod all, good day"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 01, 2011, 14:12:26
After reconsideration I have removed the joke. Though funny, it was a bit spicy.. ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 01, 2011, 19:57:55
Ahoy Saltyudog,
Tnx for keeping this Topic childfriendly. And indeed, Your joke was funny, but "on the Edge".
Kind Regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 02, 2011, 12:44:20
After reconsideration I have removed the joke. Though funny, it was a bit spicy.. ;)

Maybe you should get Bullet and WM to remove your jokle too, which they have quoted?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: IRI5HJ4CK on September 02, 2011, 13:21:46
Irish Logic:

Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat?

 Because if they fell forwards they'd fall back into the boat.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 02, 2011, 23:20:33
when you drop a sorcerer's stone, you should be careful of which chamber of secrets you put it in or your prisoner of azkaban will feel like a goblet of fire or your order of the pheonix will feel like a half-blood prince and youlle wish you were in the deathly hollows.  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on September 03, 2011, 15:51:31
Irish Logic:

Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat?

 Because if they fell forwards they'd fall back into the boat.

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 03, 2011, 19:58:30
Why are the Youngsters nowadays so badly behaving?

The fault lies in the Fairy Tales they were told when they were Kids!

Tarzan is always almost naked.

Cinderella stays outdoor till after Midnight.

Pinokkio only lies and swindles.

Alladin is the King of Thieves.

Batman always drives at 220 m/h .

Little Red Riding Hood never listens to her Mother.

And Hans and Gretle are eating from other peoples houses!
 
Not so strange that those Youngster are so anti social!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on September 03, 2011, 20:54:58
year 7 check list
wind up 6 formers
run away QUICK!!!!
try to show there boss
miss detention
show off to the older girls/boys
get chased by there boy/girlfreinds
blow up the lab.
damage the tec rooms
dont put any homework in your diary
start a food fight and get the older kids in troble
get the whole school on there nerves
 ;D seams like this in my school ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on September 03, 2011, 20:57:37
Oh and Aad Goldielock's breaks into people's house's, steals their food and breaks their furniture  :doh:

CC isn't that meant for the school topic?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 03, 2011, 21:01:05
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 03, 2011, 22:04:43
three blondes were walking in the woods when they came across some tracks.

the first blonde said, "those are deer tracks."

the second blonde says, "no way, those are elk tracks."

the third blonde says, "you're both wrong, those are definetly moose tracks."

as they were still arguing, the train hit them.  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 03, 2011, 22:11:34
OUCH ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 04, 2011, 09:40:16
Oh and Aad Goldielock's breaks into people's house's, steals their food and breaks their furniture  :doh:

CC isn't that meant for the school topic?

Don't forget that snow white was living with seven dodgy geezers that she didn't really know...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 04, 2011, 16:48:47
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 04, 2011, 16:49:38
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 04, 2011, 17:12:48
The M O A J
CaptainMike1's Sig  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 04, 2011, 17:15:04
What about yours..?  Doesn't look like Rotterdam to me.. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 04, 2011, 17:16:54
Pirates, my friend, are never at home. And for sure never in their hometown  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 04, 2011, 17:20:14
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 04, 2011, 17:28:23
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
That isn't a joke, it's the sad truth  :'(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 04, 2011, 17:32:43
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 04, 2011, 17:57:52
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on September 05, 2011, 13:30:05
the CCC vessels are out  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on September 05, 2011, 13:34:13
funny joke you even made me check!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 05, 2011, 15:29:42
the CCC vessels are out  ;D

okay, thats not funny, i even checked! :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on September 05, 2011, 17:49:46
same  :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 05, 2011, 17:50:30
And who is the real Joker?
larsdehaan? dexter7? Rbsanford? Captain Cadet?
None of above, so, gentlemen, Please go back On-Topic.
Thank You  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 05, 2011, 18:05:55
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on September 05, 2011, 18:29:09
And who is the real Joker?
larsdehaan? dexter7? Rbsanford? Captain Cadet?
None of above, so, gentlemen, Please go back On-Topic.
Thank You  :)
erm.. Aad.. it was on topic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 05, 2011, 21:23:37
erm.. Aad.. it was on topic

I really hope Aad learns to calm down. High blood pressure isn't good for you
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 05, 2011, 21:53:56
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 05, 2011, 22:50:07
erm.. Aad.. it was on topic
So it was really ment as a joke? Then I retract my remark and allege the opposite.
All 4 of you are Jokers  :evil:

About Stuart's remark:
Don't be to concerned about my bloodpressure. It always goes like an escalator: Up and Down
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 05, 2011, 23:52:04
About Stuart's remark:
Don't be to concerned about my bloodpressure. It always goes like an escalator: Up and Down

You're a good sport, Aad.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 06, 2011, 11:35:25
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the injured old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 06, 2011, 15:47:41
 ;D

Courtroom howlers


These are from a book called "Disorder In The Court" and are things people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A:  :C

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
A:  :-\

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
A:  >:(

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A:  :C

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on September 06, 2011, 15:54:00
;D
agreed!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 06, 2011, 16:28:51
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sybil!
Sybil who?
Sybil Simon met a pieman...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tad!
Tad who?
Tad's all folks!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Taipei!
Taipei who?
Taipei sixty words a minute is pretty fast!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tank!
Tank who?
Your welcome!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyrone!
Tyrone who?
Tyrone shoelaces!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyson!
Tyson who?
Tyson of this on for size!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uganda!
Uganda who?
Uganda get away with this!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uriah!
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uruguay!
Uruguay who?
You go Uruguay and I'll go mine!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Athena!
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anne Boleyn!
Anne Boleyn who?
Anne Boleyn alley!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amin!
Amin who?
Amin thing to do!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Audrey!
Audrey who?
Audrey be doing this!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Augusta!
Augusta who?
Augusta go home now!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aunt Lou!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ashley!
Ashley who?
Ashley-t's foot!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Asia!
Asia who?
Asia you going to let me in then!

Knock Knock...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on September 06, 2011, 19:10:15
Oxymorons & language puzzlers

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control  when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 06, 2011, 20:32:40
Marriage joke


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 06, 2011, 21:24:19
Strange new battles


Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 06, 2011, 21:42:46
Dear John

A Marine, stationed in Afghanistan, recently recieved a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home.....
It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship.
The distance between us is just too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshot they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all of the pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky


MARINES, The Few. The Proud. And witty, too
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 06, 2011, 21:49:53
Misunderstanding terms


One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 06, 2011, 21:52:45
Great One, W M  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 07, 2011, 16:53:32
Thanks, Aad!  :thumbs:





Q & A Iraqi War Jokes



Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?

A: DUCK!


Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?

A: You shout out, "B-52"


The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that:

Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.    Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.


Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?

A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?


Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?

A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!


Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?

A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.


Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?

A: A refund.


Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?

A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on September 07, 2011, 16:55:59
hehehe
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 07, 2011, 18:52:26
US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 6. Where is Bobby?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 07, 2011, 19:55:33
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.
None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the
window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 07, 2011, 20:08:37
Submarine humor & fun


Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!



Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander

"Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth"

"Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how 'bout you..?"

"Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn"



QMOW: "Navigator we're on a course for sea mounts."

NAV: "Exec we're heading for shallow water."

EXEC: " Captain, we're running out of water."

CAPT: "What, no water, ...very well, secure the showers."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on September 07, 2011, 20:43:24
Submarine humor & fun


Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!

 ;D  :doh:



Q: Why do divers fall backwards from the boat into the water?
A: If they fell forward they'd land on the deck.

 :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 07, 2011, 20:58:22
;D  :doh:



Q: Why do divers fall backwards from the boat into the water?
A: If they fell forward they'd land on the deck.

 :P

 Ahuum  (http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg349955.html#msg349955), Not excactly to the word, but almost the same  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 07, 2011, 21:15:44
Battles on the sea


The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.

THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.

Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.

It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 07, 2011, 23:20:18
OUCH   :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 08, 2011, 05:24:45
Fishing on the lake


A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 12, 2011, 18:06:41
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School


Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"OK Mom, give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 12, 2011, 18:09:51
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on September 12, 2011, 20:00:43
Took the garbarge outside. For spammers we still have the keelhaul treatment gentlemen...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 12, 2011, 20:06:58
LET ' S JUST HOPE THAT THIS GNARLY JOKE WILL PASS THE APPROVAL STAGE :





Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on September 12, 2011, 21:23:39
Hey! you didn't use caps!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 12, 2011, 21:32:10
Hey! you didn't use caps!
Dexter:
Enough is enough. I think the message is understood.  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry King on September 14, 2011, 17:21:57
Are there no jokes for today ?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 14, 2011, 17:26:25
Are there no jokes for today ?

THERE ARE SOME THE FAIRY KING THERE ARE



GNARLY LIBRARY JOKES


A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...

1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You’re one of THEM!"

6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déj?vu and amnesia at the same time?"

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (? and I'm really glad to meet you."

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"

21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.

22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."

24. Spell every single word as you read it.

25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.

26. Act like you’re picking your nose. And eating it.

27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.

28. Sneeze a lot.

29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.

30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.

31. Stand up, and continue reading.

32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.

33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.

34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.

35. Ask them, got milk??

36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

37. Fall out of your seat, then say, meant to do that.?Then do it again. And again.

38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.

39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.

40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you’re attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.

41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.

42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.

43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.

44. Put down your book, then say, ya wanna trade?

45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, “IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!! IT’S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN'T’T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!

46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, “I know what you did last summer.

47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.

48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you’re out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.

49. Start singing his is the song that never ends.

50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.

51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, “I took singing lessons!

52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, Hey! How ya doin? That’s great, me too.

53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!

54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, “I have mail!!

55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, “I measure sock by thickness!

56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.

57. State proudly that you have been to the there side. Give no explanation.

58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.

59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, “What do you mean?

60. Say, “It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird.? When they ask, “Wwhat??say, “Oohh, sorry. I’m back now.

61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.?/font>

62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .

63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?/font>

64. Say, “Who’s Freddie??Then act like you didn’t say anything.

65. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!?/font>

66. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I’d like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I’m sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.

67. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!?When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m calling the book genie out!?/font>

68. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.

69. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you’re doing, say happily, “I’m roosting!?/font>

70. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!?/font>

71. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.

72. Repeat every thing they say to you.

73. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??/font>

74. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.

75. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?/font>

76. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!

77. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.

78. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.

79. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?/font>

80. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?/font>

81. Get a child’s book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.

82. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??/font>

83. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How’d this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry King on September 14, 2011, 17:36:48
That joke isnt funny and your not funny either
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 14, 2011, 20:27:38
Not true, Wave Music, as You well do know. So please, do yourself and everybody else a big favour and stop
SHOUTING  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 15, 2011, 02:33:02
A Greek comedy:

Greek1: Let's pretend we have money and join the Euroclub..
Greek2: Ok
Euroclub: Congratulations, you are now in the Euroclub. Please allow us to throw our money at you   :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on September 15, 2011, 15:59:47
Why did the man throw away his Alarm Clock?

It kept waking him up when he was asleep


*groans  :doh:  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 22, 2011, 17:09:09
Why did the man throw away his Alarm Clock?

It kept waking him up when he was asleep


*groans  :doh:  ;D

el oh el
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on September 23, 2011, 00:21:32
Eh?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 23, 2011, 19:25:17
what do you call lepers in a hottub?
stew. ;D ;D

how do lepers start a hockey game?
with a face-off. ;D ;D ;D
Ahoy Rbsanford,
Although it's not in the rules, jokes about ill or sick people are quite tasteless.
In spite of the fact that you like those kind of "jokes" (a lot of smilys used), I hope you'll understand this and remove or alter your entry.
Regards
Aad the pirate
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on September 24, 2011, 01:05:36
Honestly I've heard better jokes :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on September 24, 2011, 06:25:47
I doubt there's been a worse.. :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 24, 2011, 17:43:34
why wer my daiharea jokes removed? they wer hilarious!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on September 27, 2011, 18:17:57
Offtopic removed. Please keep it suitable for all ages or post it somewhere else. I suggest that the repeatingly offenders change to attitude or they will be send on holiday!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Wave Music on September 27, 2011, 18:49:10
this place will never progress to page 83 with ballast ' s policy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on September 27, 2011, 19:04:41
Please just be very, very careful WM. A lot of members are getting very annoyed with your behaviour. If you cannot be sensible, then why not just say nothing. :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ballast on September 27, 2011, 19:44:58
this place will never progress to page 83 with ballast ' s policy

You want to go on holiday?

Final warning. Suck it up or sign off. This is not a democracy, this is like a ship - But then again, you wouldn't make it on a real ship either.

Your choice.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on September 27, 2011, 22:39:05
And ballast bites back with a full bore broadside!

Anyway, before Aad goes ballastic (see what I did there?) I'll continue with a joke :
A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

"Hello," said the man, "would you like to buy a book titled 500 excuses to give your wife for staying out late?"

"Why on earth would I buy a book like that?" asked the woman.

"Because," replied the salesman, "I sold a copy to your husband this morning."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 27, 2011, 23:44:06
 :thumbs:
Great joke and an even better pun  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 28, 2011, 02:10:05
some corny one-liners:

why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay theyed be bagels. :doh:

does this bus go to duluth?
no, this bus goes "beep beep". :P

i had a million better ones, but i lost the book. :doh:

its "a pretty good joke book". best...joke...book...ever. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on September 28, 2011, 12:28:36
Not really a joke, but a true story.

I was out walking down the lane near my house in the Countryside when this bloke in a big silver bmw pulled up beside me and said rather sharply "where does this road go to?" (no please, no thankyou)


So I put on a really thick Country accent (Somerset if anyone knows it) and said back "It doesn't go nowhere at all. It stays exactly where it is" and then walked off.

To non-English speakers who don't understand the literal response to the original question, my apologies- it'd take too long to explain.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on September 28, 2011, 15:53:15
Not really a joke, but a true story.

Stu .... qualifies as a simple answer to a stupid question ! It is possibly one of the most popular answers.

I experienced exactly the same many years ago when the bus I was travelling in had to take a detour due to a blockade created by some petty demonstrators in a village ahead. Apparently, the driver found himself on a dirt road and stopped on sighting a villager and posed the same question as the BMW guy. A passenger on the bus chose to answer exactly as how you did and it sure brought laughter from all on board.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 12, 2011, 17:52:21
Just seen the greatest Irish joke ever, but you won't see it as it might not pass the Aad Law

 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on October 12, 2011, 18:42:09
Way to keep us in suspence  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 12, 2011, 21:12:10
there were two men working at an airport, refeuling planes. on their break, they pop open some beers and chillax. one says, "what do you think will happen if we drink jet feul?" the other says, "we'll get sooooo drunk. lets do it!"
so they drink jet feul and party all night.

the next morning, one of the guys gets a phone call;

"hello?"

"hey, its me. remember last night?"

"yeah. what about it?"

"have you farted yet?"

"no, why?"

"well try not to, i'm calling from austin." :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on October 12, 2011, 21:43:39
Reminds me of Peter Griffin trying to fly his car by stealing jet fuel  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 12, 2011, 22:27:34
there were two men working at an airport, refeuling planes. on their break, they pop open some beers and chillax. one says, "what do you think will happen if we drink jet feul?" the other says, "we'll get sooooo drunk. lets do it!"
so they drink jet feul and party all night.

the next morning, one of the guys gets a phone call;

"hello?"

"hey, its me. remember last night?"

"yeah. what about it?"

"did you farted break wind yet?"

"no, why?"

"well try not to, i'm calling from austin." :doh:

edited by Aad the Pirate

Ahoy Rbsanford,
Nice joke  :D.  Next time try to use some 'cleaner' words  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 12, 2011, 23:05:02
so farts a bad word now?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 13, 2011, 09:47:22
so farts a bad word now?

No, just crude, unfunny and not impressive.

I'm in agreement with Aad for once! My word :o   ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on October 13, 2011, 09:54:51
No, just crude, unfunny and not impressive.

I'm in agreement with Aad for once! My word :o   ;)
crude? Crude oil!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 13, 2011, 17:09:51
Way to keep us in suspence  :doh:

Here you are then, heavily edited!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on me way den'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 'Whoops' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Whoops, Whoopsy !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus.... I'm a little bit drunk,' he says..

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No way Jose'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Oh silly me' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was a little drunk. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub again.'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 13, 2011, 20:13:14
Hmm, I have a joke this topic is almost to page 83! :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 17:55:14
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.  Talk about Dyson with death.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 17:56:15
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.  At first I was afraid ...... then I was petrified.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 17:57:24
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £35!!!  Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 17:57:53
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 17:58:22
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.  As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.  3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 17:58:58
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend - yet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on October 16, 2011, 18:05:50
ehh why cant you post them in one post?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 18:12:33
ehh why cant you post them in one post?

why are you so critical...its joke of the day for goodness sake!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on October 16, 2011, 18:13:18
why are you so critical...its joke of the day for goodness sake!
im not critical its just annoying
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on October 16, 2011, 18:49:21
im not critical its just annoying

Okay here is the reason they were posted seperatley:

Having read through messages on joke of the day, there are quite a lot get removed because of bad taste.  If I had posted them all in a single post and one of the jokes was deemed to be in bad taste, then all of the jokes would have been lost.

Furthermore, the point I was trying to make is that I took the time and made the effort to contribute to this board by sharing some jokes that I thourght were funny.  The last thing I expected was some miserable and irrelevant reply, I feel deflated and it made me think ¿why did I bother?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 16, 2011, 19:53:52
Sydmichel,

Thank you for posting your jokes. I for one found them funny and not at all irritating by being posted seperately.

They are about the only funny ones that have appeared here.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 16, 2011, 19:57:44
Ahoy sydmichel,
This Topic is called "Joke of the day" as you stated yourself. Not "Joke of the minute".
And BTW, all of your jokes are quite acceptable  :thumbs:
Anyhow, Back on Topic


Should I really join Facebook?


When  I bought my I-Phone, I thought about the 30-year business I  ran  with  1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes  videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed  up  under  duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13  grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the  modern  way. 
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140  characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked  me up for Tweeter,  Tweetree,  Twhirl,  Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix  and  something  that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program  within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three  minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of  the entire next generation. I am not ready  to  live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf  bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they  say I get lost  every  now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that  in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I  am  supposed  to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line  at  Barnes  and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50  yards  was  glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got  a  little  loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but  the lady inside  that  gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long  time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,  "Re-calc-u-lating." 

You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she  could barely  tolerate  me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make  a  U-turn  at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well,  it  was  not a good relationship.  When  I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the  cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as  Gypsy,  the  GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am  still trying to learn how to use the  cordless  phones  in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still  haven't  figured  out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run  around  digging  under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty  laundry  baskets  when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for  me. They even mess me up every  time  I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle  on  something  themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time  I  check  out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth  reusable  bags  to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in  with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,  "Paper or Plastic?" I just  say,  "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn  to  stare  at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet.  I answered,  "No, but I do toot a lot.."

P.S. I know some of you are not  over 50. I tell it to you to allow you to  forward  it to those who are. 
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.
The tv  remote and the  garage  door remote are about all we can  handle.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 16, 2011, 20:39:32
last part was funny (sorta).

rating:

 ;D ;D

(new rating idea! rate jokes with smilies.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D = really great

 ;D ;D ;D ;D = great

 ;D ;D ;D = good

 ;D ;D = ok

 ;D =  :P)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 16, 2011, 21:09:29
If this is your idea of a joke, well, her's my rating for it:
 :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 16, 2011, 21:35:54
Quite right Aad, rating jokes is a silly idea..  Come up with a good joke instead, Rbsanford..  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on October 16, 2011, 22:03:59
Sydmichael, they were brilliant, thanks for sharing them.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 17, 2011, 13:25:54
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,
 
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. 
 
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ;  & here I am in Dublin .  When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. 

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.   

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! 


Tis me, ....................
 
I've Quit Drinking!"

 

 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on October 17, 2011, 17:09:42
Hahahaha, brilliant, I wish I knew a few jokes clean enough for here.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 17, 2011, 17:52:16
Hahahaha, brilliant, I wish I knew a few jokes clean enough for here.
Ahoy clanky,
Every joke is "clean" enough for here. Just replace the "dirty" words by "clean" ones  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 17, 2011, 21:11:08
this ones more of a limerik:

there was a young man from darjeeling,
who got on a bus bound for ealing.
the sign on the door
said dont spit on the floor
so he carefully spat on the cieling. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 17, 2011, 23:16:38
this ones more of a limerik:

there was a young man from darjeeling,
who got on a bus bound for ealing.
the sign on the door
said dont spit on the floor
so he carefully spat on the cieling. :doh:

Nice found  :thumbs:,
This kind of Limericks are funny,though they count for a joke too.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 18, 2011, 09:24:45
While, I was recovering from surgery and
spending most of the day in bed, my seven year
old son asked me why I didn't have a
boyfriend. I told him the television was my
boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
 
 

 

 
 
The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut
off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the
side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...
 
 
 

 

 
 A couple of days later the pastor
stopped by to check on my recovery.
I was trying to get the television to
come back on so, my son answered
the door.
 

 

 
 
The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?"
 
 
 
My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 18, 2011, 16:14:37
Edgy, Edgy  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 18, 2011, 20:15:29
I don't know if this is a joke, but what the heck!
So today my gym teacher says "Do not talk, Do not walk, Do not collect two-hundred dollars"
Is that a joke?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on October 18, 2011, 20:19:06
Its a reference to Monopoly ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 18, 2011, 20:20:08
Ohh now I understand! lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on October 18, 2011, 20:21:52
"Go directly to jail... do not pass go... do not pick up £200"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RYAN123 on October 18, 2011, 21:03:59
A Man walks into a bar....

















































OUCH!  :doh: .... not that funny ... just somthing i thorght of..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 18, 2011, 21:13:01
did i tell the one about the blind guy in Texas already?

oh wat the heck, here goes:

so a blind guy desides to go to texas. on the plane he feels the seats and says, "wow, these seats are big!" and the guy next to him says, "everythings big in texas."
after he lands, he goes to a bar and orders a beer. he feels the glass and says, "wow, this is a big glass!" and the bartender says, "everythings big in texas"
after a few drinks, he had to go to the bathroom. but he went through the wrong door and fell in a swimming pool and he says, "DONT FLUSH!"
 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 18, 2011, 22:25:45
My friend, I think making joke about blind people is rude, don't do that!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 18, 2011, 23:07:50
the joke isint about a blind guy, thatd be bad. :thumbdown:

its about how everythings big in texas.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 18, 2011, 23:31:21
did i tell the one about the blind guy in Texas already?

oh wat the heck, here goes:

so a blind guy desides to go to texas. on the plane he feels the seats and says, "wow, these seats are big!" and the guy next to him says, "everythings big in texas."
after he lands, he goes to a bar and orders a beer. he feels the glass and says, "wow, this is a big glass!" and the bartender says, "everythings big in texas"
after a few drinks, he had to go to the bathroom. but he went through the wrong door and fell in a swimming pool and he says, "DONT FLUSH!"
 :doh: :doh:


OFFICIAL APPROVED (for what it counts)  :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 19, 2011, 01:49:39
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 19, 2011, 02:15:17
good one, salty ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 19, 2011, 09:13:40
 A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of
all  the slackers.
>
> On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall.

> He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO
> walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"
>
> "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks:
> "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow
> replies: "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
>
> The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to
> cash for $1,200 and says: "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't
> come back."
>
> The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling
> pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks: "Does
> anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room
> comes a voice: "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry King on October 19, 2011, 17:25:31
Haha i had to read it 3 times through but i understand it now :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 19, 2011, 17:35:33
Haha i had to read it 3 times through but i understand it now :D

Maybe you were the CEO, he didn't understand either!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 19, 2011, 17:58:24
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

Since we British invented both railways and high speed aircraft I think it fair to say that the chicken test was ours actually. Probably originating around the time of the Comet 1 (the first commercial jet aircraft).
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Subwolf on October 19, 2011, 18:05:55
Come on, tell me your sailor jokes? ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 19, 2011, 19:09:01
Since we British invented both railways and high speed aircraft I think it fair to say that the chicken test was ours actually. Probably originating around the time of the Comet 1 (the first commercial jet aircraft).

You are quite right Stu, the British were the first to use the 'chicken gun'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_gun , but it's still a funny joke.. :)

Here's another interesting story..:
[Collected on the Internet, 1994]

Presumably you know that aerospace companies often fire chickens at test aircraft canopies to see how they would stand up to flying through a flock of birds during takeoff? This is true of British Aerospace also, however one time it went wrong.

Just before lunch, the engineers set up the chicken-cannon, loaded a frozen chicken into it, and left for the canteen. The chicken would be just about defrosted by the time they got back to do the test. When they came back, they got behind the protective wall, started the high-speed cameras (to play back in detail what happens), and fired the chicken at the canopy. Normally, it should just bounce off, or make a nasty dent. This time, the canopy was destroyed. Bits everywhere. Having checked the cannon, and looked through the (expensive) wreckage, they decided to view the film, to see if it would provide any clues. It did. During lunch, a cat had climbed into the cannon, lured by the smell of fresh chicken, became part of the test.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 19, 2011, 19:36:52
THE TEST

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

 


 

 



 

 

 

 

   

 

 

 



 

 

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong  Answer.

















 

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of  your previous  actions..













3...  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. 
All the animals attend  .... except one. 
Which animal does not attend?


 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 



 

 

 

Correct  Answer :
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 

 

 
4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.
How do you manage it?



 

 

 

   

 



 

 









Correct  Answer:?
You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. 
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.   
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 19, 2011, 21:10:07
nice aad. fooled me. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 22, 2011, 09:40:36


 


Old Motor!

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'


 
 
 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 

 

 

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 
 
 

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 23, 2011, 10:59:45
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.. 
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on October 23, 2011, 16:32:53
Pet Diaries: Dog vs. Cat

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------
The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on October 23, 2011, 16:37:05
 

Brag about parents


An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 23, 2011, 16:51:34
lol Thanks for sharing TJK!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 24, 2011, 09:22:55
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with  which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take  from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a  reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy  neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more  morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe  that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This  hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on October 24, 2011, 09:32:19
A Good Chess Player

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."


"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on October 24, 2011, 11:16:59
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with  which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take  from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a  reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy  neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more  morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe  that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This  hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as
Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.


now that is a good one  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 24, 2011, 11:47:39
now that is a good one  ;D

Yes and now there is a real risk that govermentium might mix with with eurozonium to cause a meltdown. A by product of this will be to release expense accountium and corruptium.

The effect on the population will be disasterous.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: TJK on October 24, 2011, 12:08:31
Tirsdager er Taxing!

"It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink."
-- Dave Barry

"The number of words dealing with income taxes in the Internal Revenue Code and IRS regulations rose nearly tenfold between 1955 and 2005, from 718,000 to more than 7 million How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms."
--Jacob Sullum in Reason

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."
-- Robert Orben

"To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men."
-- Edmund Burke, 18th Century Irish political philosopher and British statesman

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
-- Gerald Barzan, humorist

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq."
--Conan O'Brien

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy."

"The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
-- John F. Lekel

"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."
-- Advertisement

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-- Dave Barry

"If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism."
-- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, Internal Revenue Service

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
-- Comedian

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."

"A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest."
-- C Bob Thaves

"The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts."
-- Dave Barry

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno

"If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids."
-- Harvey Mackay

" In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other."
-- Voltaire

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
-- J. Danforth Quayle V.P.

The more you earn, the less you keep,
And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to take,
If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake.
-- Ogden Nash

This guy walks into the tax auditor's office, the auditor looks at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already own a piece of yours."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 24, 2011, 17:29:11
Ahoy TJK,
If this wasn't so funny, you could cry out loud for it. And if it wasn't so sad, you could laugh about it.
All by all, it's a sad fact.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 24, 2011, 17:41:51
now that is a good one  ;D

Though you might like it! Not sure what Aad will think tho!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 24, 2011, 19:52:25
Though you might like it! Not sure what Aad will think tho!

For what it's worth:

(http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/approved.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 26, 2011, 09:35:54
For what it's worth:

(http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/approved.gif)


 :2thumbs: :2thumbs: :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 26, 2011, 19:01:03
god said "let there be light" chuck norris said, "say please."

chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he never cries.

chuck norris built the house he was born in

on thanksgiving, chuck norris came home and saw his wife crying in the kitchen. he said, "wats wrong?" she said, "i burnt the turkey, spilled the potatoes on the floor, and the rolls are too soggy." so chuck norris ate all the ruined food, went into the back yard, and barfed up a complete thanksgiving meal.

jesus was chuck norris in disguise. but the bible got something wrong... he cant die.

santa is chuck norris in disguise.

if chuck norris cloned himself and one ran to the north pole and the other to the south pole and the both jumped at the same time, they would flatten the earth.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 26, 2011, 20:01:18
god said "let there be light" chuck norris said, "say please."

chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he never cries.

chuck norris built the house he was born in

on thanksgiving, chuck norris came home and saw his wife crying in the kitchen. he said, "wats wrong?" she said, "i burnt the turkey, spilled the potatoes on the floor, and the rolls are too soggy." so chuck norris ate all the ruined food, went into the back yard, and barfed up a complete thanksgiving meal.

jesus was chuck norris in disguise. but the bible got something wrong... he cant die.

santa is chuck norris in disguise.

if chuck norris cloned himself and one ran to the north pole and the other to the south pole and the both jumped at the same time, they would flatten the earth.

Ahoy Rbsanford,
Although it's not stated in the rules (I'm afraid that, just for You, I have to edit them), Jokes with religious contents and/or diseases are out of order. Therefore:

(http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/denied.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 26, 2011, 20:22:56
u have to admit, theyre some pretty good jokes tho. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 26, 2011, 20:24:19
Aad is right you shouldn't make jokes with religious contents and/or diseases
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 27, 2011, 09:49:38
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number� and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
 
'Go get your Mother'

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2011, 14:36:53

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
 
'Go get your Mother'

 

:thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 27, 2011, 15:54:19
this one might be a little iffy in aads terms:

why dont amish people waterski?

their horses would drown.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 27, 2011, 20:21:13
Alright that's (http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/approved.gif)in my terms...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 28, 2011, 00:44:55
god said "let there be light" chuck norris said, "say please."

chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he never cries.

chuck norris built the house he was born in

on thanksgiving, chuck norris came home and saw his wife crying in the kitchen. he said, "wats wrong?" she said, "i burnt the turkey, spilled the potatoes on the floor, and the rolls are too soggy." so chuck norris ate all the ruined food, went into the back yard, and barfed up a complete thanksgiving meal.

jesus was chuck norris in disguise. but the bible got something wrong... he cant die.

santa is chuck norris in disguise.

if chuck norris cloned himself and one ran to the north pole and the other to the south pole and the both jumped at the same time, they would flatten the earth.

What???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 28, 2011, 00:48:11
do u know who chuck norris is? hes this super tough guy who was in the army and now is in action movies. chuck norris jokes illustrate how tough he is.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 28, 2011, 00:53:16
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke


I was watching Chuck Norris films long before you were even born.

Mr Norris was actually in the American Air Force, not the Army, btw.

But I understand now. Hilarious.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on October 30, 2011, 12:34:43
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke


I was watching Chuck Norris films long before you were even born.


But I understand now. Hilarious.
sorry for offtopic but i saw both of your profiles none say how old both of you are
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 30, 2011, 12:36:18
Remember Stu, was once a moderator
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on October 30, 2011, 12:43:18
Remember Stu, was once a moderator
i could post a very negative comment... but since i love the forum so much i wont... :angel: ehh he was?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 30, 2011, 13:14:44
i could post a very negative comment... but since i love the forum so much i wont... :angel: ehh he was?

Well I could post some negative comments either, but I'd not like to upset you too much. I hate to think of people being reduced to tears.

The problem with being a goderator is you can't say what you really think. You have to be so damned diplomatic all the time. I wanted to challenge a particularly nasty and obnoxious "gentleman" here, but couldn't; so I resigned from the team... and lo and behold they actually made HIM a moderator in the end... Despite his frequent resignations, deleted accounts and so on, he's still here being his usual self. Bless his little cotton socks.

But, there you go. Now, back to telling side splitting jokes before Mr Aad gets upset.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 30, 2011, 13:15:15
Incidentally, Lars, what has my age got to do with anything?

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 30, 2011, 13:16:27
lol goderator...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 30, 2011, 13:28:28
lol goderator...

GODerator...

That's the problem- some of them seem to think they ARE god.

Nearly all of them I've seen in 4 years or so have been really decent people, giving up their time to try and help other members.

But bless them, they get stick from users here because the software is, ahem, not 100% perfect and then they get stick from vstep for daring to point out that the software is, ahem, not 100% perfect.

I take my hat off to them all (well, NEARLY all of them) for putting up with it. I wouldn't, so I didn't, so I won't.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2011, 15:57:52
Gentleman, Please can we leave the Goderator stuff and go B.O.T.?
Tnx a Lot

The next few lines aren't a joke, but more something to let you think about, Although some "facts" are hilarious'. So read on and have fun.

Interesting History

Where did "Peed Poor" come from?

In those days, long ago, people used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery.  If you had to do this to survive you were "Peed Poor."

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didn't have a pot to pee in," and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature, isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.  However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a “bouquet of flowers” to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how “canopy beds” came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a “thresh hold.”

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.  Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.  They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.  They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.  This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of “holding a wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
“saved by the bell,”or was considered “a dead ringer.”

And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on October 30, 2011, 16:03:10
"wounders weither or not to contiune discussion about mods"
"remembers what happend to WM"
"smilies nicely and finds joke"

Two men walk through the Serengeti, when some hundred meters away a big hungry lion jumps up from behind a bush and starts running at them.
The one guy immediately wants to turn and run away in panic, but the other guy, in all calmness, sits down, opens his Rucksack, gets two jogging shoes out and starts to take them on his feet.
Asks the first guy in disbelief: "You really think you can out-run the lion just because you wear those jogging-shoes...?"
Says the other guy: "No, but I can run faster than you."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on October 30, 2011, 16:26:56
Paddy is driving down the middle of the road at 120 miles per hour (180km/h) whn he gets pulled over by the police.  The policman says "what on earth were you thinking of Paddy, you were doing 120 right down the middle of the road!"

"ah", says Paddy, "I have permission to do that officer"

"What permission?" asked the policeman, pady calmly produces his driving license and says "look what it says officer"...



..."tear along the dotted line"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 30, 2011, 16:41:42
lol thanks for sharing clanky...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 30, 2011, 17:19:48
there was a car going down the road at 6 mph, when a cop pulled it over. he went to the driver window and saw an old lady with three old ladies in the back. he said, "maam, did you know how slow you were going?" she said, "yes officer. i was just obeying the speed limit-6 mph." he said, "oh no, you have it all mistaken. thats not a speed limit, thats what road were on-interstate 6" she said, "oh thank you for helping" as he walked back to the police car, he saw that the three old ladies in the back were shaking and their faces were pale. he asked the driver about them and she said, "oh theyre still a bit shaken up. we just got off of interstate 120."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2011, 17:21:11
Ahoy danny & clanky

Great ones.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 30, 2011, 17:38:44
I have another speed/Altitude related joke...
The airline pilot was fired becuase he flew too low... One day (this is his first real-life flight,not in a simulator) The residents of, Some town nearby an airport heard the roar of a jet engine but it was loud, very much louder than usual, then all of the sudden a jumbo-jet soared over the town. When it landed the TSA (or whatever it is) questioned the pilot and he said, "but, but, on the little screen it said 500 feet!" then he had a choice to be fired or be sent right back into training (which he hated) so he chose to be fired...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 30, 2011, 17:49:56
so a cop pulls over a car that was driving erratically and speeding. he asks the driver for his liscence and registration. the driver says, "i dont hav one" his wife says, "officer dont listen to him hes completly drunk" a muffled voice from the trunk says, "are we over the border yet?"

 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 30, 2011, 18:06:05
 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 30, 2011, 20:36:57
Resignation  Letter

Dear Boss:
I'm resigning effective  immediately!
The reason for my resignation is that I cleaned my aunt's garage this morning before coming to work.
Then I realized I don't  feel like working anymore..
See Picture why
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on October 30, 2011, 20:42:03
If only, If only....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on October 30, 2011, 22:46:32
Would it be lots of trouble if I took one stack of the green ones...?
You have so many of them.  :o
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 30, 2011, 23:20:45
would it be trouble if i took all the green ones? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 31, 2011, 13:35:39
Money doesn't buy you happiness you know...

It only buys you fast cars, racing yachts, holiday homes in the Alps, shares in race horses, fine Cognac...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on October 31, 2011, 14:16:33
Resignation  Letter
See Picture why

Ah ..... so that's what a bed of roses look like ....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 31, 2011, 15:18:34
Gentlemen,
Reply 2126 - 2130  are no Jokes, just remars to the joke on reply 2125.
So, can we all stay On-Topic?!
Tnx a Lot
Aad   :police:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 31, 2011, 16:02:29
Gentlemen,
Reply 2126 - 2130  are no Jokes, just remars to the joke on reply 2125.
So, can we all stay On-Topic?!
Tnx a Lot
Aad   :police:

Aad,
Reply 2131 is not a joke, just remarks to reply 2126-2130.
So, can you stay on-topic?!
Thanks a lot.
 :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on October 31, 2011, 16:17:43
Aad and stuart
Replies 2131 and 2130 are not related to the topic,
So, can we all stay ontopic?
Thanks!  :doh:

(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_nrQfjP6fxwc/SG8OCNPv0tI/AAAAAAAAAGM/ntAGeCcFII0/s320/funny_signs_7.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 31, 2011, 18:46:21
wat if u throw crocodile food at the crocodiles? do u hav to retrieve it then? :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: vin_sun on October 31, 2011, 19:00:00
Reply 2126 - 2130  are no Jokes

OK, OK .....  :doh: Back on to the topic ....


If tin whistles are made out of tin, what are fog horns made of?

Why don't they call the head a butt and a cigarette a head, since that's closer to the true meaning?

If a cruise ship has a part time band conductor aboard, does that mean he's a semi-conductor?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look that way?

If white wine goes with fish, shouldn't white grapes go with sushi?

Some Navy rockets go into space, which we all know is a big vacuum. So tell me, who changes the bag? Speaking of space, if athletes get athlete's foot does that mean astronauts get mistletoe?

Why is it called a lighthouse when it weighs so much?

Ship's windows are called "port holes", but they are found on both sides?

Captains of ships have a lot of latitude.

Sea captains can be port-ly.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy.

Sailors like to seas opportunities.

A pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a leg-acy.

A guy who crosses the ocean twice without a shower is a dirty double crosser.

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven C's.

A sailor has ties to home but is knot there often.

Sailors often come from have-knot countries.

I was going to go sailing and went shopping for a hat but started to reconsider when they gave me a stern look
and asked for my capsize.

When the spice ships used to bring goods to the king, the captain was peppered with compliments.

Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?

Two sailors named Brad Stowe and Ben Lowe had to B.stow their things B.low.

If two people invest in a boat, it's a partner-ship.

A guy who inherited two yachts had a paradox.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 31, 2011, 21:19:57
good ones. i wish that last one would happen to me.


so this guy is in a bar, drinking a beer, when the piano-players monkey jumped on the counter and peed in the guys' beer. he goes over to the piano player and says, "do you know that your monkey peed in my beer?" and the piano player says, "no, but if you hum it i can play it."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 03, 2011, 10:43:22
Aad,
Reply 2131 is not a joke, just remarks to reply 2126-2130.
So, can you stay on-topic?!
Thanks a lot.
 :evil:

If I delete one of my earlier jokes then the post numbers will change and you'll all be wrong, now that is a JOKE!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on November 03, 2011, 10:57:16
Money doesn't buy you happiness you know...



Well, do debts make you happy, Stuart?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on November 03, 2011, 11:57:15
As we're talking money...

Two women were walking through the woods when they hear a voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog.
 
Help me ladies!! I am an investment banker who, through an evils witch's curse has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me i will return to my former state.
 
The first woman grabbed the frog and put it in her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"
 
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 03, 2011, 14:12:59
Well, do debts make you happy, Stuart?

Well yes. As long as they aren't mine.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 04, 2011, 16:00:56
Laughter is the best Tonic for Mental Health !

One day, a baby chimp asked his momma: "Mommy, why are we so funny looking?"
His mother smiled and told him: "You ought to be grateful that we are the way we are. You should see the people that are reading this joke right now!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 04, 2011, 18:58:34
a guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and the bartender says, "sir, we don't allow pets" so the guy puts on some shades and says how the monkey is a boy that helps him see. bartender says "all i see is a monkey" guy says, "they gave me a monkey?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 08, 2011, 10:37:30
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
 
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10, where will you two live?"
 
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
 
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
 
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
 
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.

 

What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
 
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
 
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little chap is adorable.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 08, 2011, 16:48:43
lol  :doh:

smart kid
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 09, 2011, 23:38:23
PUBLIC NOTICE !!

Due to the recent Budget-Cuts, the rising Cost of Electricity, Gas and Oil, plus the current State of the Economy, the Light at the End of the Tunnel

HAS BEEN TURNED OFF !!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 10, 2011, 00:03:40
hey aad, i thot ide check wit u first, but do u accept "yo mama" jokes?

because i thot someones mom wood really be "that fat" or "that poor".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 10, 2011, 00:45:14
Those aren't really nice... But still we fool around making up jokes like that...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2011, 15:37:29
hey aad, i thot ide check wit u first, but do u accept "yo mama" jokes?

because i thot someones mom wood really be "that fat" or "that poor".

As long as a moderator let pass jokes about Irish, Polish and whatever other nationalities, I'm not the person to judge about poor, fat or whatsoever people.
In my opinion those jokes are allowed as long as they do not humilate and/or offend those people. But, as I stated earlier, who am I to judge subjects out of the box of the "Rules" .
Kind Regards
Aad

I know this is not a joke, but it is funny and cute at the same time. And due to the fact that the proper Thread is more than a Year old, I'll place it here.
Just click on the word  DOG (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xdj67XknFrM#t=5)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 10, 2011, 16:58:12
okay good. just thot ide check with aad first. ;)

yo mama so fat, wen she goes to the movie theater, she sits next to everybody. :doh:

yo mama so fat, the national weather service has categorized all of her farts. :doh: :doh:

yo mama so ugly, wen she was born, the doctor slapped yo grandma. :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2011, 17:48:45
okay good. just thot ide check with aad first. ;)

yo mama so fat, wen she goes to the movie theater, she sits next to everybody. :doh:

yo mama so fat, the national weather service has categorized all of her fartsbroken winds. :doh: :doh:

yo mama so ugly, wen she was born, the doctor slapped yo grandma. :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on November 10, 2011, 18:48:08
Thinking you look gangster when you say 'yo', do you, rbsanford?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 10, 2011, 19:48:14
hey, ime not the one who invented the "yo" in yo mama jokes. ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 11, 2011, 10:25:48

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 11, 2011, 12:02:22
OUCH  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 11, 2011, 19:54:00
a guy walks into a bar and ses "ouch" :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 12, 2011, 02:12:46
That quilifies for more of a sentence than a joke...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 12, 2011, 02:39:12
why did the serial killer cross the road?

to get to your house.

knock knock.

whos there?

the serial killer. :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 12, 2011, 02:46:34
 :doh: That made me laugh a little.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 12, 2011, 10:46:13
 
New Version of the Three Bears Story

        
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET !!

 :2thumbs: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on November 12, 2011, 17:06:02
That quilifies for more of a sentence than a joke...

A prison sentence?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 12, 2011, 17:11:44
 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 12, 2011, 17:14:56
A prison sentence?
Great Prun  :2thumbs:

Now tell me why:

If Vegeterians do love Animals so much,
why do they keep eating all their food?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 16, 2011, 11:28:08
True story from a cruise-ship attendant:

An angry guest came down to the front desk of a Holland America Line cruise ship demanding a different room. The attendant tried to calm him down and find out why he disliked his cabin so much. He responded: "I paid a lot of money for this cruise and was promised a sea view, the only thing I can see through my window is the damned parking lot!"

We’d not yet left the dock.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 16, 2011, 12:08:10
 :doh: lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 17, 2011, 00:22:14
Heres my first joke here.
What five things would you take to an island, if you were alone?
1. A genie (that guy in a jar that gives you three wishes) to get me off.
2. A ferry to sail off the island if the genie fails.
3. Harry potter if the ferry sinks.
4. Dumbledore to work his magic if Harry potter's broom snaps with two people on it.
5. A medic if Something happens to Dumbledore...*
*I meant to say if Dumbledore has a heart attack... Nah that's men...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on November 18, 2011, 16:01:22
Mike, I'd edit that word out before the mods see it. Thats how cragister went, he started cussing, and the mods unleashed broadside after broadside.

Quote
I asked a girl in the office, "Do you ever sit at home at night and get the feeling you're being watched?"

She said, "I do actually! Why do you ask?"

"No reason," I said, as I scribbled, 'Need better camouflage' on a post it note.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 18, 2011, 17:08:46
Mike, I'd edit that word out before the mods see it. Thats how cragister went, he started cussing, and the mods unleashed broadside after broadside.


What?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on November 18, 2011, 17:14:23
Nevermind, the post in question dissapeared  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 18, 2011, 17:17:15
Nevermind, the post in question dissapeared  :doh:

I deleted it, easier that way!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 23, 2011, 14:41:37
One beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .....

At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, 

"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 23, 2011, 16:03:27
two guys walk into a bar. the third guy ducks.

four guys are in a bar. first guy ses "ille hav some h2o." second ses "ille have some too" third ses "me as well" fourth guy ses "i want some h2o too." the fourth guy died.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 23, 2011, 16:34:12
two guys walk into a bar. the third guy ducks.

four guys are in a bar. first guy ses "ille hav some h2o." second ses "ille have some too" third ses "me as well" fourth guy ses "i want some h2o too." the fourth guy died.

What kind of Joke is that?
Can't find any punchline in it.
In fact, it isn't funny at all.
And isn't a Joke ment to be funny? Something You could laugh about?
To be honest, Rbsanford, most of your entrys in this thread aren't jokes and/or funny.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 23, 2011, 16:40:18
What about this one Aad?

What five things would you take to an island, if you were alone?
1. A genie (that guy in a jar that gives you three wishes) to get me off.

2. A ferry to sail off the island if the genie fails.

3. Harry potter if the ferry sinks.

4. Dumbledore to work his magic if Harry potter's broom snaps with two people on it.

5. A medic if Something happens to Dumbledore...*
*I meant to say if Dumbledore has a heart attack... Nah that's mean...

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 23, 2011, 18:26:05
What about this one Aad?

(http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/approved.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on November 23, 2011, 18:45:12
yay! ;D [this post doesn't count as a joke]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on November 23, 2011, 21:17:41
two guys walk into a bar. the third guy ducks.

four guys are in a bar. first guy ses "ille hav some h2o." second ses "ille have some too" third ses "me as well" fourth guy ses "i want some h2o too." the fourth guy died.

What kind of Joke is that?
Can't find any punchline in it.
In fact, it isn't funny at all.
And isn't a Joke ment to be funny? Something You could laugh about?
To be honest, Rbsanford, most of your entrys in this thread aren't jokes and/or funny.

Learn a little chemistry Aad and you would realise that this is actually quite good, so yeah, chemistry and maybe a sense of humour.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 23, 2011, 21:21:26
What kind of Joke is that?
Can't find any punchline in it.
In fact, it isn't funny at all.
And isn't a Joke ment to be funny? Something You could laugh about?
To be honest, Rbsanford, most of your entrys in this thread aren't jokes and/or funny.

hmm maybie i shoodve posted wat h202 means. h2o2 is a poison, so the fourth guy died.

and my joke entries are hilarious! they wer just a bit offensive (but i refrained from dirty jokes and swearing at least.)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Simos31 on November 23, 2011, 21:42:50
Hmm, I think (H2O2), Hydrogen Peroxide is non toxic, a superb antiseptic against anaerobic bacteria and widely used for open wounds. I brush my teeth every once in a month with it and it's fizzy and fun. There's got to be another chemical agent in the original joke.
Anyway, I was never really good at party jokes. The thread is really fun!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on November 23, 2011, 21:50:26
and my joke entries are hilarious! they wer just a bit offensive (but i refrained from dirty jokes and swearing at least.)

To be honest, this is the reason why I don't like American comedy because what I mostly see is that American comedians almost always swear and put in sexual slangs to try to make it funny, which gets a little boring after and ruins the humor.  :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 23, 2011, 22:16:06
Hmm, I think (H2O2), Hydrogen Peroxide is non toxic, a superb antiseptic against anaerobic bacteria and widely used for open wounds. I brush my teeth every once in a month with it and it's fizzy and fun. There's got to be another chemical agent in the original joke.
Anyway, I was never really good at party jokes. The thread is really fun!


oh i just herd H2O2 is toxic.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on November 24, 2011, 21:45:01
I just saw this question on Yahoo Questions!  :o
Not sure if I can count it in as a joke.

Quote
My dad is a neo-nazi and he just came from the hospital. How am I supposed to tell him I voted for Obama?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 26, 2011, 01:34:40
To be honest, this is the reason why I don't like American comedy because what I mostly see is that American comedians almost always swear and put in sexual slangs to try to make it funny, which gets a little boring after and ruins the humor.  :-\

American humour? Please explain!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on November 26, 2011, 01:37:48
American humour often is accompanied with canned laughter (so you know when to laugh)   :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on November 26, 2011, 14:28:09
American humour often is accompanied with canned laughter (so you know when to laugh)   :)
as there so bad  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on November 26, 2011, 17:10:02
American humour often is accompanied with canned laughter (so you know when to laugh)   :)

Ah. I was wondering why they put that on. On a serious point (if Aads blood pressure will allow an o/t post) it is interesting to see how comedians differ when they are playing to an American audience.

The humour is, ahem, lacking in irony- which makes up a lot of British humour (I can't follow comedy in anything other than English and French, maybe a little Polish so forgive my ignorance of Dutch humour). I hate trying to explain to an American what irony actually is.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on November 26, 2011, 17:47:08
as this is american commedy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY6FuADDHKc
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 26, 2011, 18:43:23
its great, isint it?

european comedy is ok, especially the "look around you" series. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on November 27, 2011, 15:28:53
Did anyone else not get that google chrome joke thing?
On the topic of H2O2, it IS posionous, infact its HIGHLY posionous, it's the basis for bleach and is also used in rocket fuel. So yeh, You might want to stop brushing your teeth with it Simos........
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on November 27, 2011, 16:30:21
Its also in Hair Spray

Decomposes into water and oxygen

 8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Simos31 on November 30, 2011, 19:07:41
Did anyone else not get that google chrome joke thing?
On the topic of H2O2, it IS posionous, infact its HIGHLY posionous, it's the basis for bleach and is also used in rocket fuel. So yeh, You might want to stop brushing your teeth with it Simos........

Danny, at 3% concentration it is a Superb, Unique Antiseptic. At 7% concentration it is available in all hospitals. It's the first thing you wash an open wound with in a hospital after an accident so as to eliminate the possibility of septicemic (bacterialy induced) gangrene after accidents with open wounds. I always have a spray flask of hydrogen peroxide in my car. With it you can save a limb from being amputated if you act in time. Much more instant in action than any antibiotic. Definitely toxic in long exposure and high concentrations since it is very reactive and its reaction creates an environment of aggressive pH. Which inorganic medical chemical agent is not toxic in high doses or high concentration?? Iodine solution? EDTA ? I wonder.   ???
Feel free not to use it as an antiseptic! Your doctor and the drug industry will be happy about it!
shall I conceal that I use it also when I remove the dead cells from my heels after the thick heel-skin dies in autumn? Keeps my skates free from dead skin odor and I skate like a rocket! Most anaerobic bacteria hate it!

Oh, I forgot! It seems to have also a positive presence in wound healing (based on my personal observation), I assume it provides some oxygen to the tissue part of the wound which can't respire through the destroyed blood circulation where capillary vessels are cut. But maybe I'm wrong on that. I had for myself perfect healing on small wounds wetting the cut skin H2O2 3% solution.
I also tried sterilizing the roots of plants with it. I haven't got any convincing results yet on this personal observation other than the fact that it has not caused ANY acute poisoning or intoxication to the plant AT ALL! Feel free not to do that at your favorite plant. No one is going to blame you for not trying!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 30, 2011, 19:43:27
can we get back to jokes now?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on November 30, 2011, 21:10:20
can we get back to jokes now?
yes
its suppost be a strike day. the day when we dont learn anything!
your not helping the campain  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 01, 2011, 17:53:56
Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife, again.


 

The judge asks, "Tell me, Mr. Molloy, why do you keep beating her?"


 


 

Paddy replies, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 01, 2011, 19:20:35
 :doh: :doh:

so a guy is speeding and a cop pulls him over. cop ses, "sir, did u know u wer speeding?"

guy: "yeah, i was rushing to the policeman's ball"

cop: "police dont hav balls"

true story.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 01, 2011, 22:08:13
... ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 01, 2011, 22:33:41
Rbsanford, 2 things to you:

1: Make the effort to adjust your spelling, because I can barely make up what you say.
2: Try to find funny jokes.

:doh: :doh:

so a guy is speeding and a cop pulls him over. cop ses, "sir, did u know u wer speeding?"

guy: "yeah, i was rushing to the policeman's ball"

cop: "police dont hav balls"

true story.

This is exactly what I mean with what lesser minded Americans even dare to call 'jokes'.  ::)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 02, 2011, 01:07:09
yo mama so poor, she cant afford to pay attention.

no matter wat u guys say, imma still tyipe like this and post funny american jokes. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 02, 2011, 12:18:25
You're starting to act like WM... :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 02, 2011, 14:41:47
You're starting to act like WM... :-\

Well said!! RSanford needs to meet with Mad Fred!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 02, 2011, 16:55:55
nooooo. :C
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Lange Willem on December 02, 2011, 19:52:44
No Joke, no Policeman but.....................Balls!!!
(I'm sorry Aad)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2011, 12:37:53
"Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked
for a pint of  draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be
one Euro  please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and
handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the  barman. "And we
are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the
cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one
of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you
a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to
sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he
can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an
extra surcharge of 4.00 euro for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought
Your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his
drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to
the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that
will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet
Drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him
between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone
number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking
charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for
one Euro".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 04, 2011, 19:27:34
these two guys are camping one night and theyre in their tent, sleeping. one wakes up and says, "hey, what do you see?" the other says, "oh, i see the night sky, theres alot of stars and... oh! look! the milky way! a majestic night scene! why, wat do you see?" "i see that someone stole our tent."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on December 05, 2011, 20:33:16
good real joke
in biolagy today there is a chines boy and his parents own the local chinese store.
the chinese boy said to someone sirname is lamb (no names mentioned here)
he says after lamb helped him in his work
"thanks, your a lamb."
miss said "bit sweet coming from your mouth."
and this fat boy shouted "Yea,noodels."
miss turns around and says " shut it you. get on with your work."
and he says "but he keeps calling me chicken wings"
nobody could stop laughing. not even miss. and you should have seen his face with confusion when we all laughted about it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on December 05, 2011, 22:07:56
not a joke and I didn't understand it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 05, 2011, 22:12:09
ok CC, that wasnt really that clear.  :doh:

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on December 06, 2011, 16:47:21
good real joke
in biolagy today there is a chines boy and his parents own the local chinese store.
the chinese boy said to someone sirname is lamb (no names mentioned here)
he says after lamb helped him in his work
"thanks, your a lamb."
miss said "bit sweet coming from your mouth."
and this fat boy shouted "Yea,noodels."
miss turns around and says " shut it you. get on with your work."
And the boy miss told to shut it said "but he keeps calling me chicken wings"
nobody could stop laughing. not even miss. and you should have seen his face with confusion when we all laughted about it.

hope you understand it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 06, 2011, 16:53:35
well it doesnt make that much sense. :doh:

but heres a true funny story that does...

my cousin was staying at my place for the summer and we decided to go to the William A. Irvin (a retired ore vessel u can explore). wen we got back home he pushed the button to open the power door to the back of the van and as he gets out, a mountain dew bottle falls out. he closes the door and looks at the bottle, picks it up, reaches his arm through the wide open window to push the button to open the door to carelessly toss the bottle back in. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on December 06, 2011, 20:31:36
...and back to the jokes.

My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?"

I immediately popped the question.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 06, 2011, 21:31:45
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 06, 2011, 22:12:19
heres a dumb one that became a very annoying song:

a duck walks into a bar and says, "got any grapes?" bartender says "no" duck leaves. duck comes back next day, asks same question. bartender says, "i told you, no". duck comes back a third day, asks same question, and the bartender looses it. "IF YOU COME BACK ASKING FOR GRAPES, I WILL NAIL YOUR BILL TO MY BAR!". duck rushes out. duck comes back day later saying, "got any nails?" bartender says, "no". duck: "got any grapes?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: The Ferry Man on December 06, 2011, 22:20:49
heres a dumb one that became a very annoying song:

a duck walks into a bar and says, "got any grapes?" bartender says "no" duck leaves. duck comes back next day, asks same question. bartender says, "i told you, no". duck comes back a third day, asks same question, and the bartender looses it. "IF YOU COME BACK ASKING FOR GRAPES, I WILL NAIL YOUR BILL TO MY BAR!". duck rushes out. duck comes back day later saying, "got any nails?" bartender says, "no". duck: "got any grapes?"

EPIC SONG  :doh: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 06, 2011, 22:26:09
 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 06, 2011, 22:47:54
I can vaguely just understand what she wrote there....
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 06, 2011, 23:34:47
What! You are on failbook! :o Delete your account! Before TFM sees! :-X
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 06, 2011, 23:35:48
What! You are on failbook! :o Delete your account! Before TFM sees! :-X

which account? :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 06, 2011, 23:37:36
your Failbook account!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 07, 2011, 03:28:15
i dont use failbook. :doh:

ive been meaning to cancel it, but i forgot my password. :doh:

unless you mean "failblog.org/failbook" i dont hav an account there.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 09, 2011, 14:51:46
i dont use failbook. :doh:

ive been meaning to cancel it, but i forgot my password. :doh:

unless you mean "failblog.org/failbook" i dont hav an account there.

THat's a really, really great joke!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 10, 2011, 00:18:02
Deniz Doga is out!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 10, 2011, 00:24:07
That actually made me look at the SS website! Until I came back and saw Joke of the day at the top of the post. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 10, 2011, 00:33:17
 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 10, 2011, 01:19:52
No, Seriously! I'm not lying!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 10, 2011, 01:27:10
Deniz Doga is out!  ;D

NOT FUNNY! ANOTHER DUMB JOKE LIKE THAT AND ILLE REPORT YOU!

nah, jk. i actually looked. but now i hate you. :evil: >:( :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 10, 2011, 01:45:13
I'd be glad to call that flame... But it isn't.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 10, 2011, 01:51:57
NOT FUNNY! ANOTHER DUMB JOKE LIKE THAT AND ILLE REPORT YOU!

nah, jk. i actually looked. but now i hate you. :evil: >:( :evil:

Lovely. ^^
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on December 10, 2011, 17:43:16
Oceana is out!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 10, 2011, 17:54:05
There's a warship out for SS!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 10, 2011, 19:17:13
you guys...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 10, 2011, 23:45:52
You! :P Nah that's rude. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 11, 2011, 00:29:32
those jokes arent funny!

its like saying "you just won $50,000,000,000!" and then you never get it. >:(
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 11, 2011, 00:31:52
I'd like to win 50,000,000,000,000,000...
[50 Quadrillion dollars...]
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 11, 2011, 00:33:03
ide like to win $50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.01!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 11, 2011, 00:56:29
Here's a really good joke: My laptop runs any game perfect!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 11, 2011, 11:24:33
Children Are Quick _____________________________

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find    North America.
MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered    America?
CLASS:         Maria
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on December 12, 2011, 19:41:44
Here's a sort of child's/dirty joke...
A guy goes to sears looking for a toilet: They only have three toilets in stock, A gold toilet, A solid rock toilet, and a singing toilet. The gold one costed too much, the rock one weighed too much, and the singing one didn't cost too much and wasn't too heavy but it sings.
He brings it home, the next day he comes back complaining that the toilet sings "Do you see what I see?"...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 13, 2011, 14:29:19
Joke

Definition
[C] something, such as a funny story or trick, that is said or done in order to make people laugh.

The essence is that it is a story or sketch with a humorous climax.

So in many respects, Aad is actually correct.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 16, 2011, 10:33:35
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
 
The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 17, 2011, 03:06:54
And the Frenchman who just said "it was all Britains fault that there were only 26 flies and not 27"
And the German said "the fly is still an importan partner in all european fly affairs"
The Czech said he wasn't actually sure "if the fly was in or out of the champagne"
The Swede said that he'd "agree with his Czech friend, but would have to put it to his parliament to decide whether or not the fly should be in or shouldn't."
The Dane said that "the fly wasn't in his champagne at the moment- but is still aiming to have a fly in his champagne from 2015"
The Iranian said that "yes, I do have a fly- but it is only for peaceful purposes"
The Argentinian said "I claim that fly as part of our sovereign territory"
The American said "lets kill the fly in case it's an al quada operative"
The Greek said "it's not fair. Our fly isn't as big as the Germans fly"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on December 17, 2011, 04:59:05
Quote
The Greek said "it's not fair. Our fly isn't as big as the Germans fly"

Due to lack of funding, I imagine. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gab on December 17, 2011, 05:07:55
CaptainMike1 and Stuart2007, I would really like to know what you think of the canadians  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: capt. jack richson on December 17, 2011, 11:15:31
The Iranian said that "yes, I do have a fly- but it is only for peaceful purposes"

lmao  true  :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 19, 2011, 18:41:06
CaptainMike1 and Stuart2007, I would really like to know what you think of the canadians  :D

Very sensible as they kept out of this argument!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gab on December 19, 2011, 20:51:57
Eheh :doh: Good one!  :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on December 19, 2011, 23:19:05
"I knew kim jung was going to die, after all, he was Ill"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Firestar on December 20, 2011, 02:26:22
Good news: Kim's dead.

Bad news: It's not one of the Kardashians.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 20, 2011, 07:16:13
CaptainMike1 and Stuart2007, I would really like to know what you think of the canadians  :D

....and what about the Dutch?  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 20, 2011, 10:58:35
....and what about the Dutch?  :)

They are too sensible with their money!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 20, 2011, 10:58:48
'Big Jimmy, an extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
 

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

Jimmy dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said Jimmy, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested Jimmy date one of the other girls; so Jimmy went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'Jimmy replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell....cross-eyed.'


The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning Jimmy rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away

..Months later the bairn wuz born.


When Jimmy visited the nursery he was horrified: the bairn was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...Pregnant when you met her.'


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 21, 2011, 10:27:55
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica     â€“ where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
 
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on December 21, 2011, 14:54:50
Cap, do you think submarines are safer than airplanes ?

Captain: I think in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on December 22, 2011, 14:37:33
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
 

....and what about the Dutch?  :)

The Dutchman angrily called for the waiter and demanded:
 "Waiter!, what is that fly doing in my champagne?"
 The waiter glanced at the glass, and without batting an eye calmly replied: "I believe the backstroke, sir"..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on December 22, 2011, 21:54:23
The Dutchman angrily called for the waiter and demanded:
 "Waiter!, what is that fly doing in my champagne?"
 The waiter glanced at the glass, and without batting an eye calmly replied: "I believe the backstroke, sir"..


 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 23, 2011, 10:35:47
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce

toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the

pre-Christmas pressure.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which

stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,

Heaven knows where.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,

the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a

shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had

drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he

accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of

little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the

broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the

broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the

door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big

Christmas tree.



The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me

to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

tree.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 30, 2011, 14:09:06
Life in the Australian Army

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you
not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south
west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot
Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's
backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last
year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't
have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once
like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
 I can't complain  about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter

Susan
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: 1J1 on January 03, 2012, 19:24:57
The following joke is about as simple as "Oops! ::)"


http://www.shipspotting.com/gallery/photo.php?lid=1009391
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Snakebyte92 on January 03, 2012, 19:26:24
The following joke is about as simple as "Oops! ::)"


http://www.shipspotting.com/gallery/photo.php?lid=1009391
Haha. I think someone forgot the stability curves..  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on January 04, 2012, 14:38:00
Note to deck officers...

BENDING MOMENTS MATTER!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on January 04, 2012, 15:21:52
Note to engineer officers, "We know."  ::) Happy New Year Clanky. :-*
I once had to load grain in Paranagua, Brazil for shipment to the U.S.S.R. In order to get out of the port, (For which the Admiralty Tide tables give no predictions.) I had to load to a totally even keel and was faced with having to leave one hold completely empty to achieve that condition at the maximum safe draft. The bending moments were very close to the limit as we cleared the bar, but I was able to fill the ballast tank under the empty hold once we were clear. Nasty one that. :doh: Ain't life grand. :P

Angus.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 04, 2012, 17:03:34
dishwasher at McDonald's.  :doh:

my advisory teacher used that as an example of a dead-end job. :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on January 04, 2012, 20:17:39
Happy new year to you too Angus, hope your festivities were slightly more festive than mine, which were spent in the engine control room monitoring a suspected economiser fire, which was spewing sparks all over the cargo as they partied on the aft end!

Luckily the problem turned out to be a dodgy fuel injector which is probably just as well, can you imagine trying to abandon a passenger ship at 0100 on 1st January?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 04, 2012, 22:21:03
wait... clanky works on a ship? which one? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on January 04, 2012, 22:23:18
You've got to be kidding me, right? Even I know that! :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 04, 2012, 22:39:29
Happy new year to you too Angus, hope your festivities were slightly more festive than mine, which were spent in the engine control room monitoring a suspected economiser fire, which was spewing sparks all over the cargo as they partied on the aft end!

Luckily the problem turned out to be a dodgy fuel injector which is probably just as well, can you imagine trying to abandon a passenger ship at 0100 on 1st January?

ECONOMISER fire???

One of my new apprentices tried to play about with an injector and didn't bolt it down properly in the test rig; when he fired it it caught his watch and came close to taking his hand with it. Now that's just an injector for a 6l diesel; I'd love to see someone muck about with the injector for a large marine diesel;  :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on January 05, 2012, 11:37:25
ECONOMISER fire???

We use the exhaust gas from the main engines to heat water to make steam, this way we save burning fuel in the boilers, the exhaust gas boilers are known as economisers.  If they get too clogged with soot or unburnt fuel / carbon residue it's possible that this can catch fire which can then result in a fire so hot that the steel tubes of the economiser burst allowing steam onto an already very hot fire, the steam, reacting with the carbon in these high temperatures can actually disassociate into hydrogen and oxygen, at which point the best thing to do is run away.

Luckily in this case it was just a dodgy injector causing the sparks.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 05, 2012, 16:52:19
can we get back to jokes now please? ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on January 06, 2012, 11:17:40
¿What do you call a Boomerrang that doesn´t come back?








A stick!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 07, 2012, 04:17:15
ha ha :lol:

awww, i had this perfect joke but i just forgot it! :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Snakebyte92 on January 07, 2012, 12:08:36
That's a good one!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on January 07, 2012, 12:12:41
¿What´s brown and sticky?




A stick!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 07, 2012, 12:15:39
¿What´s brown and sticky?




A stick!

What about a white stick?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 07, 2012, 18:55:31
We use the exhaust gas from the main engines to heat water to make steam, this way we save burning fuel in the boilers, the exhaust gas boilers are known as economisers.  If they get too clogged with soot or unburnt fuel / carbon residue it's possible that this can catch fire which can then result in a fire so hot that the steel tubes of the economiser burst allowing steam onto an already very hot fire, the steam, reacting with the carbon in these high temperatures can actually disassociate into hydrogen and oxygen, at which point the best thing to do is run away.

Luckily in this case it was just a dodgy injector causing the sparks.

Thanks Clanky. I was familiar with the idea, but hadn't heard it called that before.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on January 07, 2012, 20:31:27
ECONOMISER fire???

One of my new apprentices tried to play about with an injector and didn't bolt it down properly in the test rig; when he fired it it caught his watch and came close to taking his hand with it. Now that's just an injector for a 6l diesel; I'd love to see someone muck about with the injector for a large marine diesel;  :evil:
yea
did he have to go to hosbital?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 08, 2012, 03:25:22
What about a white stick?

... well i guess that would be white and sticky. :doh:

whats big and brown and sticky?


a bigger stick.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on January 09, 2012, 15:53:21
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of beer.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 17, 2012, 17:02:44
Great one, sydmichel  :thumbs:




These are great and true
   

As we begin the year 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally confused now and have little chance of recovery.


I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.


I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.


I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.


AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.


I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.


I no longer go to malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .


THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my behind.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .


Oh, and by the way.....


A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read this stuff with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2012, 18:05:50
Very PC
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on January 28, 2012, 17:42:41
Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him. Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 29, 2012, 12:57:50
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”

 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on January 29, 2012, 19:22:03
Mr. Botibol is traveling across the ocean in a large ship and wants desperately to win the passenger auction. Each night the captain of the ship estimates the distance that they will cover in 24 hours, and a range of possible numbers are then auctioned off to the guests. Whoever owns the correct number the next day wins the amount of money in the pool. Mr. Botibol notices that the sea has suddenly gotten rough and that this will surely slow down the ship and throw off the captain's estimate. Confident in victory, then, he uses his life savings to win the "low field" number (meaning any number more than 10 less than the estimate). When he wakes up the next morning, though, the sea is calm and the ship is making up for lost time. Mr. Botibol arrives at the desperate conclusion that jumping overboard is the only way to slow down the ship and therefore win the pool. He plans his strategy very deliberately – he will wear light tennis clothes (so he can swim better), he will make sure another person witnesses his "fall" and reports it to the captain, and he will swim as far from the ship as possible so that it must turn completely astern to pick him up. He finds the deck deserted except for one older woman. After talking to her briefly he concludes that she is neither deaf nor blind, and within moments he has plunged into the water screaming for help. The woman acts confused for a moment, then relaxes and watches the small bobbing man get further and further away. At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and admonishes her for "wandering about." The old woman is seemingly a mental patient!
As they leave the deck, she says to her companion: "Such a nice man.. He even waved to me while taking his swim"..

From Roald Dahls "Dip in the pool"..  :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on January 30, 2012, 19:07:51
Hmm. Can I change the ending, Mr SD

"...He finds the deck deserted except for one older woman. After talking to her briefly he concludes that she is neither deaf nor blind, and within moments he has plunged into the water screaming for help. The woman acts confused for a moment, then relaxes and watches the small bobbing man get further and further away. At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and asks her why she didn't raise the alarm when the poor man fell over board. The old woman replies "because I've bet my life savings on us covering as many (nautical) miles in 24 hours."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 30, 2012, 21:17:14
For what it's worth:
I like the 2nd ending a lot more.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 31, 2012, 14:10:22
Hmm. Can I change the ending, Mr SD

"...He finds the deck deserted except for one older woman. After talking to her briefly he concludes that she is neither deaf nor blind, and within moments he has plunged into the water screaming for help. The woman acts confused for a moment, then relaxes and watches the small bobbing man get further and further away. At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and asks her why she didn't raise the alarm when the poor man fell over board. The old woman replies "because I've bet my life savings on us covering as many (nautical) miles in 24 hours."

What was the first ending?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 31, 2012, 14:36:10
What was the first ending?

At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and admonishes her for "wandering about." The old woman is seemingly a mental patient!
As they leave the deck, she says to her companion: "Such a friendly man.. He even waved to me while taking his swim"..

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on January 31, 2012, 16:17:09
Indeed, the original ending as told in the story "Dip in the pool" is as I said..
But Stu's ending isn't so bad either.. ;)
Here's the episode as shown on tv.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m42HOtTpOmU&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PLBF5245186045112A
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 06, 2012, 17:16:19
Ahoy Shipsim mates,
Now I know that the majority of the forum members are Youngsters who know quite a lot of the Internet abbreviations, a.k.a. Turbolingo.
But those Senior Members like me can teach You a few you for sure never have heard of.
Here we go, and to make it easy for You, I'll give the full meaning too.

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOB - Bring Your Own Bib

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on February 07, 2012, 01:38:40
How's this one?

STML - Speak to me louder
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 07, 2012, 09:40:24
Good find  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on February 08, 2012, 02:03:13
Nah, I made it up!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 10, 2012, 18:08:53
"I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car and said, 'I'm not happy'. To which I replied, 'Which one are you then."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on February 10, 2012, 19:21:23
"I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car and said, 'I'm not happy'. To which I replied, 'Which one are you then."

Must be dopey.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 10, 2012, 19:23:56
I may have already told this one...

so a guy's in a bar when a frog comes up and starts singing a majestic aria. so the guy is really surprised and amazed, goes to the frog's owner and says, "I will pay you $5000 for this frog!" owner says, "done!". then the guy notices a hamster across the room playing on the piano, and it's really good too. he also buys the hamster for a double amount of money and runs excitedly out of the bar. the bartender looks at the owner of the two animals questiongly, and the owner says, "don't worry, the hamster is a marionette too."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 12, 2012, 15:31:40
Are you smarter than a 60 year old ?

REMEMBERED, BUT ............DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT OUT.  A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS.
I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.....

01.   After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens
would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02.When the Beatles first came to the U.S. .In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03'   Get your kicks, ________ __________.'

04.   'The story you are about to see is true.
  The names have been changed to
   ___________________.'

05.   'In the jungle, the mighty  jungle, ________________.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'


07.Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _________ ______.'

08..Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09.What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always
ended his television show by saying, ' Good Night, and '________ ________.. '

11.Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.

13.In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.

14..We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.


15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and
60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______________.












ANSWERS :
01..The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. ON Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as somehave guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

Send this to your 'older' friends, (Better known as Seniors.) It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 12, 2012, 23:32:02
Always choose a memorable password !



Hope You all have a good sense of humor.  This was just too funny to not share.

   



A woman helps her husband install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, a word that he'll always remember, as the computer asks him to enter it,

He looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word but he is annoyed with her reaction when he selects: penis. 
 
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria . 

The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 13, 2012, 01:35:57
Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised.
Old McDonald had a farm, the doctor almost died!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on February 13, 2012, 09:54:16
Here's one I'm sure has been before, but it's just too funny..

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 13, 2012, 16:44:53
there are these two hikers in the woods when they run into an angry bear who immediatly begins to charge. one of the hikers unties his hiking boots, takes them off, and puts on some running shoes. the other hiker says, "are you nuts? you'll never outrun the bear!"

"well I don't need these to outrun the bear, only to outrun you." :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 13, 2012, 17:10:41
Subject: Should children witness childbirth?
Good question.
Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his bottom again!"


If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 17, 2012, 16:48:57
a man walks off to work one day, but rushes back inside, holding a big pile of dog poop. he says to his wife, "look what I almost stepped in!"

this next one was invented by Ronald Reagan:

it was Christmas morning, and a boy went to the tree to find... a big pile of manure. he yells in delight and instantly begins digging through it. his father comes downstairs and says, "what are you so happy about? this is the worst christmas ever!" the boy says, "well somewhere there's a pony that made all this!"
moral: optimism. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on February 17, 2012, 19:06:13
Great one Ronald Reagan!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on February 18, 2012, 20:58:27
what's with animal stuff and that joke :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on February 20, 2012, 00:11:29
captain cadet,

the "joke" was very much like its subject...

...full of %^$%
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 20, 2012, 00:24:45
captain cadet,

the "joke" was very much like its subject...

...full of %^$%

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on February 20, 2012, 12:52:22
Be carefull copying jokes, Rbsanford. Or else SOPA/PIPA will ban you from the internet.  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 20, 2012, 19:01:52
captain cadet,

the "joke" was very much like its subject...

...full of %^$%

Ahoy Stuart,
I do agree with You for 100%. However, Your remark is "out of limits". You're around here long enough to know that swearing/using foul language etc isn't allowed, even when You, awared of that fact, censor them Yourself.  :police:
Kind regards
Aad
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 20, 2012, 19:51:33
Be carefull copying jokes, Rbsanford. Or else SOPA/PIPA will ban you from the internet.  :P

i'm not afraid of those guys ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 20, 2012, 21:30:00
i'm not afraid of those guys ;D

Gentleman, Can we stay on Topic, if You please?!
Thank You
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on February 20, 2012, 23:31:01
PSOT
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 21, 2012, 00:55:16
                                       How to get out of a speeding ticket:

1. cop pulls you over for speeding.

2. tell him you stole the car and you don't have a liscence.

3. next tell him the car's real owner is dead and in the trunk.

4. the cop will call for higher police authority.

5. show higher authority your liscence and proof of ownership.

6. show him the empty trunk.

7. tell higher authority cop, "I bet he also told you I was speeding."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on February 21, 2012, 02:32:42
I've tried that. But when I opened the boot (trunk) I forgot there WAS a dead body there. Bit of a bind really.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on February 21, 2012, 02:35:24
Ahoy Stuart,
I do agree with You for 100%. However, Your remark is "out of limits". You're around here long enough to know that swearing/using foul language etc isn't allowed, even when You, awared of that fact, censor them Yourself.  :police:
Kind regards
Aad

Oh Aad, I didn't realise you were so sensitive.


Gentleman, Can we stay on Topic, if You please?!
Thank You

Has anyone told you what a great moderator you would make.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on February 21, 2012, 17:23:59
What's that proverb about people in glass houses not throwing stones?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on February 21, 2012, 19:30:36
I think it was:

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones in case Mr Stuart2007 comes along, takes aforementioned stones and shoves them right where the sun doesn't reach."

That is to say that he buries them 9 inches underground and hopes they will grow into a mountain range.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on February 22, 2012, 02:16:26
I think it was:

"People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones in case Mr Stuart2007 comes along, takes aforementioned stones and shoves them right where the sun doesn't reach."

That is to say that he buries them 9 inches underground and hopes they will grow into a mountain range.

LOL.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on February 26, 2012, 19:16:40
                                       How to get out of a speeding ticket:

1. cop pulls you over for speeding.

2. tell him you stole the car and you don't have a liscence.

3. next tell him the car's real owner is dead and in the trunk.

4. the cop will call for higher police authority.

5. show higher authority your liscence and proof of ownership.

6. show him the empty trunk.

7. tell higher authority cop, "I bet he also told you I was speeding."
i remeber with sea cadets we were doing a 10k run (mashing)
i was in my unifrom with a high vis vest on in a blacked out car in a juncion.
the car owner but his phone out of the car to send a text. some other car came flying around the corner and breaked so hard that smoke came off the breakes.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 27, 2012, 11:04:45
Retired drinkers......
 


 

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They

turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be  true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come

on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a  fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says,

"That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each

other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their  martinis, and order another round.


 

Again, four excellent martinis are

produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay  the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two  martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis

as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted

to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and

decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been  there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"


 

The bartender says, "They're from New Zealand .

They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on February 27, 2012, 12:36:24
Great One, Mike. The Punch-Line topped it all.  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on February 28, 2012, 18:52:24
Are New Zealanders well known for being tight with money then?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2012, 18:55:29
Are New Zealanders well known for being tight with money then?

If you live in Oz then yes!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on February 28, 2012, 18:57:35
If you live in Oz then yes!

And if you don't live in Oz (or any other mythical green cities created for Judy Garland)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2012, 10:13:39
The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman 

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on March 07, 2012, 18:26:26
i have a question about that joke:

if he sold 500 tickets and each ticket cost 2 euro, instead of 898 euros wouldn't he have 1000 euro? :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 07, 2012, 18:29:56
i have a question about that joke:

if he sold 500 tickets and each ticket cost 2 euro, instead of 898 euros wouldn't he have 1000 euro? :doh:

You have to take off the £100 he paid to buy it in the first place!! And the 2 he gave back!

 :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 07, 2012, 18:48:57
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
   
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.   
One mood all the  time.   
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own  jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.   
Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.   
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.   
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 
EATING OUT


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 
MONEY


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 
BATHROOMS


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 
ARGUMENTS


A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 
FUTURE


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 
DRESSING UP


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 
NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

And last but not least:
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Now, Guys, is this the truth or a Joke?

Ladys: It's just a Joke  :evil:


 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on March 08, 2012, 00:57:20
Hehe.. I had a good chuckle over some of those.. ;D

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had windows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on March 08, 2012, 04:21:21
a guy walks into a bar, orders three beers, drinks them all, and leaves. the next day he orders three beers, drinks them all, and leaves. he continues to do this every day, and eventually the bartender and the patrons get curious. so they ask him why he does that and he says, "me and my brothers were close. one moved to Australia and another moved to England. every day we toast each other and drink up." soon he starts ordering two beers instead of three. the bartender says, "sorry that one of your brothers died." and the guy says, "what? nobody died. i just gave up beer for lent."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on March 09, 2012, 01:40:39
It took me a minute to realize what you said, but now I understand. :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on March 09, 2012, 01:54:10
yeah, i thought about that. maybie not everyone knows what "lent" is.

its a 40 day period for the catholic faith where you must give up something you enjoy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on March 11, 2012, 22:01:28
drill inspector: "Private Johnson!"
private: "yes sir?"
drill inspector: "i didn't see you at camoflauge practice today!"
private: "thank you sir!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 29, 2012, 16:43:32
The Three Little Pigs



Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"   But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
 
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on March 31, 2012, 00:02:40

"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.

"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on April 02, 2012, 20:09:12
I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I'm now the main stake holder.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 11, 2012, 15:52:27
In a Church in St Pauls, Bristol , on a Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." 

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."  The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til Thursday."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 11, 2012, 16:38:55
A german uboat sunk titanic :D
Excuse me for not laughing  :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on April 11, 2012, 16:50:52
Me neither and he obviously doesn't know what year Titanic was sunk!
Removed it, happy now?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 11, 2012, 16:51:54
Very happy!  :2thumbs: ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 11, 2012, 20:51:54
Excuse me for not laughing  :thumbdown:

Oh come off it, aad.

Lighten up for heaven sake.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 13, 2012, 01:02:53
Thanks to ******** for sending me the private message.

In answer to your question, no I don't think Larsdehaan was overly funny with his comment, but nor do I think it worth making a big issue about.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on April 13, 2012, 01:11:00
Now now ladies, Is this dispute really worth trashing a pair of perfectly good handbags?  :doh:

On a more ontopic note :
Quote
North Korea attempted to send a missile up.....but humour is not their strong point and apparently it fell flat.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on April 13, 2012, 10:50:49
Can't find a member called ********, or was that a Joke??

(http://oi40.tinypic.com/34fxzwy.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 13, 2012, 21:08:40
(http://oi40.tinypic.com/34fxzwy.jpg)

Sarcastic- always.

Mike- I didn't think it appropriate to put the persons name there as it was a PM. I just wanted to make a point. But to give you a clue it should have been *** instead.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on April 13, 2012, 22:25:02
OK, I was going to bite my tongue over this, but I just can't.

Aad, what on earth do you think gives you the right to be the sole arbiter of what is funny / acceptable and what is not?  You have been rude and demeaning to people on a number of occasions and on at least one occasion this was because you failed to understand what was a perfectly funny joke.

I didn't see the latest target of your outrage, but was it really so bad that it required a comment from you?  I'm pretty sure that everyone is aware that that bloody ship wasn't sunk by a U-boat, but if you didn't find it funny then why not just ignore it?

I read you posts and you act like a teenage troll, then I see your profile and realise that you are an adult who should know better, I suggest you start acting like one.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 14, 2012, 15:26:42
OK, I was going to bite my tongue over this, but I just can't.

Ahoy Clanky,
Please  read this (http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg374828.html#msg374828)
In spite of Your Fireworks:
Kind Regards
Aad

And now, ladies and Gentleman, Please back to Topic
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 14, 2012, 17:32:19
A sandwich walks into a bar.
 The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

Hope this is OK Aad?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 14, 2012, 19:20:29
Hilarious, and I mean it  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 14, 2012, 20:44:20
And now, ladies and Gentleman, Please back to Topic

You STILL don't get it, do you?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 14, 2012, 20:45:09
Hilarious, and I mean it  :2thumbs:

Excuse me, but this is a topic for jokes. Not the constructive or literative analysis of said jokes. Please stick to topic.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on April 14, 2012, 21:52:55
And today's fun fact:
Did you know that 85% of pie charts resemble Pacman?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on April 14, 2012, 22:21:28
And today's fun fact:
Did you know that 85% of pie charts resemble Pacman?

With an addition to that: you can still see Pacman with 15% of the pie, not even concentrating on the pie.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on April 15, 2012, 09:41:55
Excuse me, but this is a topic for jokes. Not the constructive or literative analysis of said jokes. Please stick to topic.
(http://images.topix.com/gallery/up-ICRD516S86GLBMIN.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 15, 2012, 13:09:39
And today's fun fact:
Did you know that 85% of pie charts resemble Pacman?

Did you know that 87.45% of all statistics are made up on the spur of the moment?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 15, 2012, 13:11:48
Did you know that 87.45% of all statistics are made up on the spur of the moment?


AAD AAD AAD

This is still off topic!!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 15, 2012, 13:12:03
'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on April 15, 2012, 13:43:50
Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres

Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres

Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres

Scuba diving world record - 137 metres

Depth my £14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres

Cheers Casio, that's a relief
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 15, 2012, 15:33:26

AAD AAD AAD

This is still off topic!!!!
As long as the master of the Universe, a.k.a. Stuart2007, thinks it's funny it's OK with me.

(http://oi40.tinypic.com/34fxzwy.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 15, 2012, 16:05:38
Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres

Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres

Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres

Scuba diving world record - 137 metres

Depth my £14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres

Cheers Casio, that's a relief

This might be in the wrong thread?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on April 15, 2012, 16:49:42
This might be in the wrong thread?
It's not so much a joke, but isn't a joke suppose to be funny or to cause humor. It is sort of related....  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 15, 2012, 16:51:23
As long as the master of the Universe, a.k.a. Stuart2007, thinks it's funny it's OK with me.

Sarcasm from aad! Look chap, I'm not the one who is constantly telling people their comments are not allowed (other than in jest you understand).

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 15, 2012, 16:51:50
It's not so much a joke, but isn't a joke suppose to be funny or to cause humor. It is sort of related....  ;D

As long as aad thinks so.... ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 15, 2012, 19:03:47
back to topic
(son playing the song charlie brown by coldplay in the backround)
dad: what song you playing about parting son?
son: Charlie brown by coldplay, why?
dad: no its not! it hasnt even mentioned the word charlie brown in it!
son: so!!! that's its name.
Dad: yea right.
son: look at my iPhone?
dad has a look at the iPhone. a text from the sons girlfriend appears saying "up for tonight" and dad says "let me guess your going to a party! is that what you were planning on doing????
son: no.
dad: so what were you doing?
son goes to the messaging servise.
son: fishing, as i told you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on April 15, 2012, 19:17:35
Not sure if it's just me but I don't get that one CC.

Anyway, a new one

Quote
Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance.

Well it's her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I'm pleased to say I've already bought her her present.

She's going to love these flowers.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 15, 2012, 21:46:55
back to topic
(son playing the song charlie brown by coldplay in the backround)
dad: what song you playing about parting son?
son: Charlie brown by coldplay, why?
dad: no its not! it hasnt even mentioned the word charlie brown in it!
son: so!!! that's its name.
Dad: yea right.
son: look at my iPhone?
dad has a look at the iPhone. a text from the sons girlfriend appears saying "up for tonight" and dad says "let me guess your going to a party! is that what you were planning on doing????
son: no.
dad: so what were you doing?
son goes to the messaging servise.
son: fishing, as i told you.

Do what? :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 22, 2012, 09:02:09
back to topic
(son playing the song charlie brown by coldplay in the backround)
dad: what song you playing about parting son?
son: Charlie brown by coldplay, why?
dad: no its not! it hasnt even mentioned the word charlie brown in it!
son: so!!! that's its name.
Dad: yea right.
son: look at my iPhone?
dad has a look at the iPhone. a text from the sons girlfriend appears saying "up for tonight" and dad says "let me guess your going to a party! is that what you were planning on doing????
son: no.
dad: so what were you doing?
son goes to the messaging servise.
son: fishing, as i told you.

Best yet!! ROTFLOL  ;D ;D :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 22, 2012, 09:18:13
Sounds like something out of South Park (which keeps getting weirder)
The joke eludes me..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 22, 2012, 17:23:52
I just got it myself. Haha... Nice one Captain Cadet. Very funny. I was just too slow to understand your witicism. You are indeed a master of comedy.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 22, 2012, 17:55:06
Well done Stuart!!!

Not so lucky myself but I'm still working on it! Don't want to be beaten by a joke!!

 :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :-\ :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 22, 2012, 18:59:19
Excuse me, but this is a topic for jokes. Not the constructive or literative analysis of said jokes. Please stick to topic.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on April 22, 2012, 19:30:40
so aad, the point of posting that was....

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 23, 2012, 00:45:28


 ::)


Well done Stuart!!!

Not so lucky myself but I'm still working on it! Don't want to be beaten by a joke!!

 :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: :-\ :-\

Keep working on it!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 23, 2012, 09:06:31


Working on that one too!!

 :2thumbs: :sleepy:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 23, 2012, 09:09:13
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
A vacuum cleaner. 'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove
All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 23, 2012, 09:54:02
An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion !" he howled. "Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 23, 2012, 10:34:55
I am not sure, but i give the Picture small censor bars. Think its better, i dont want become trouble with the Forum rules.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 24, 2012, 07:52:35
A good way for the young generation to go outside and enjoy fresh air.  :doh:

(http://remlosh.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/joke_outside.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 25, 2012, 02:04:47
 ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 25, 2012, 07:58:15
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” The woman sits down at the back of the bus and says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man replies: “You go right back and tell him he’s wrong. Go on! I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 25, 2012, 08:00:29
Good news, very good news. The playable area for us Shipsimmer will be bigger and bigger. So we find somedays a place to sail the Oceania.  ;D



(http://www.cooltribe.com/data/images/global_warming_joke_(2).jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 26, 2012, 07:39:58
(http://aprilfools-jokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/1301670017-15.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on April 27, 2012, 00:16:12
whats a pirate's favorite letter?

you would think its "R" but its the "C" he's really in love with.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 27, 2012, 08:08:57
A teenage girl talks on the phone for about 30 Minutes. Then she says goodbye and puts the phone down. “Wow!” say her father. “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”

“It was the wrong number,” the girl says.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 27, 2012, 11:36:58
whats a pirate's favorite letter?

you would think its "R" but its the "C" he's really in love with.

Que?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 27, 2012, 11:52:14
R as in Arrr.., C as in Sea..(a phonetic joke..  ;)

(http://alllayedout.com/Comments/Pirates/graphics/pirate_arrr_matey.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 27, 2012, 12:55:19
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 27, 2012, 16:33:20
R as in Arrr.., C as in Sea..(a phonetic joke..  ;)

(http://alllayedout.com/Comments/Pirates/graphics/pirate_arrr_matey.gif)

OK....  Thankyou...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 27, 2012, 16:43:10
Joke of the day:-

Maybe Stuart2007 will tell us a funny? That will really be a joke!!

 :doh: :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on April 27, 2012, 17:06:15
Joke of the day:-

Maybe Stuart2007 will tell us a funny? That will really be a joke!!

 :doh: :doh:
imaginary +1
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 27, 2012, 17:23:46
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8D3wtYMpStE/TejLN2tjFjI/AAAAAAAAHYE/-1fGVK5f388/s1600/Best%252BBlonde%252BJoke%252BEver.png)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 27, 2012, 20:20:19
Joke of the day:-

Maybe Stuart2007 will tell us a funny? That will really be a joke!!

 :doh: :doh:

I suppose I could always copy one from somewhere on the internet and pass it off as my own... However, I fear that if I were to read a "joke" as equally funny as some others here then I would be unable to contain my laughter.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 28, 2012, 10:40:39
I suppose I could always copy one from somewhere on the internet and pass it off as my own... However, I fear that if I were to read a "joke" as equally funny as some others here then I would be unable to contain my laughter.

Here's a Stuart joke!!

One day, Mrs. Trimble was in terrible pain. Fortunately, old Dr. Stuart still made house calls.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Trimble, "Do you have a hammer?"
Puzzled, Mr. Trimble went into his workshop and returned with a hammer.
The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A few moments later, the doctor came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Trimble went to his workshop again and returned with a chisel.
Within the next few minutes, Dr. Stuart asked Mr. Trimble for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw.
The hacksaw request really got to Mr. Trimble. "What are you doing to my wife?" he asked.
"Nothing," replied Dr. Stuart. "I can't get my medical bag open!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 28, 2012, 11:26:03
Ok, hope my english is not too bad.  :angel:

A government official came to a ranch in Texas and spoke to the old rancher. He said:
 "I have to search their ranch for illegal drugs." The rancher replied, "All right, but
 Please do not go into the field over there. " He pointed in the direction of the field.
 The officer replied coldly: "Mister, I have the authority of the government, I should
 go anywhere! "
 He reached into his pocket, took his Pass out and showed it to the rancher.
 "Look at this card here? Tells me and you know that I can go anywhere - on
 every piece of land! Did I not make myself clear enough? Do you have the
 understand? "
 The rancher nods polite, apologizes and takes care then about his work.
 A short while later the rancher heard loud Screams and sees the official race - to
 run for his life - driven by the strongest Ranchers of the bulls ...
 With every meter of the bull comes closer to the Officers approached and it looks almost like this,
 that he reached the court hardly safe is, the cop caught up him. the Officials is totally beside himself ...
 The rancher drops his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the officer, just as loud as he can:
"Your passport - they show him your
 ID! "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 28, 2012, 17:09:24
(http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/applause.gif)

So that mobster, doing his time for a $ 3.000.000 plus hold-up, recieved a letter from his father:
"Dear Son,
What a shame that you are not among us right now. You know, it's the time to plow the land, and that one piece of land wit all the rubble give me a headache and a sore bag if I only think of plowing it.
Don't You know anybody who could help me out?
Hugs from Your dad and a big kiss from Your mum."

The guy wrote back to his father:
"Dear dad,
Please notify Bob and George about Your problem. I'm sure they will help you out gladly. But whatever you do, dad, do not, I repeat, do NOT plow that rubble infected part You wrote about. Somewhere in that part I burried the loot.
Give mum a kiss from me. Love You."

Three weeks later he recieved answer from his dad:
Dear son,
You never guess what happened a day after I recieved Your letter. At the first daylight three Army Trucks, loaded with about three dozen of men with shovels, entered my farm, drove right to that part of land we wrote about and started to remove every single stone and rock they could find. Then they plowed the whole land over and over again till sunset, then with a lot of words I will and can not repeat left, Only to come back the next day at sunrise to do the whole thing all over.
Finally they left and I never saw them again. So I no longer need the help from Your friends Bob and George.
The land is plowed enough and all the rocks and boulders are lying aside  waiting to pave the road.
Bye for now.
Dad"
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 29, 2012, 13:05:04
 :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on April 30, 2012, 11:39:30
Note: If you say to 2 Policemen: "Gents, are you pettish, because mom dressed you two this morning the same clothes again?

Can you make a slight problem.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 01, 2012, 13:24:03
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 01, 2012, 16:11:38
Difference betwen Europe and Japan in an office

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 02, 2012, 16:47:57
Ups, my last joke haven't pass the censor.  :blush:

(http://www.emailjokez.com/images/4701_66440_47018_1._1-)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 02, 2012, 17:02:21
Think, this joke has a chance to pass the censor.  :)

A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.
One day, the nine-year-old son hiding in the closet to watch what they do both because that ...
All of a sudden the husband comes home unexpectedly and the woman also hides her lover in the closet:
The son: "Dark here ..."
The man (whispering): "Right."
The son: "I have a football ..."
The man: "Good for you."
The son: "Do you want to buy?"
The man: "No, thank you!"
The son: "My father is out!"
The man: "OK, how much?"
The son: "250 €."
In the next few weeks, it happens again, that the son and the lover
in the same cabinet.
The son: "Dark here ...."
The man (whispering): "Right."
The son: "I have shoes."
The man, in memory, mentally sighing: "How much?"
The son: "500 €."
After a few days, the father says to his son: "Take your soccer stuff and let's play a game."
The son: "Sorry,  I have not , sold anything!"
The father: "How much?"
The son: "For 750 €."
The father: "It's unbelievable how you betray your friends, this is much more than the things have cost. I will you to get confessions in the church."
The father brings his son into the church, places him in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The son: "Dark here ..."
The priest: "Stop that ...!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on May 02, 2012, 20:14:41
lol, that had me howling, but I would suggest you delete the last word in case the censor objects.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 02, 2012, 20:41:34
lol, that had me howling, but I would suggest you delete the last word in case the censor objects.

No risk, no fun  :doh:
I am very optimistic, that i dont must delete the last word. Over two hours later, the joke is not delete.  :angel:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on May 02, 2012, 22:17:30
I'll just say
Stop that...
Let imagination go wildb :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 02, 2012, 22:27:45
Ok, have changed   ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 03, 2012, 09:47:51
Wow, must study the rules.  :doh: Next joke hasnt pass the censor.  :blush:

Hope, here is nowhere the rule: "Three times and you are out!"  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on May 03, 2012, 12:44:52
The Rules are simple if it is not fit for a child to read do not post it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 03, 2012, 13:35:52
You have right, in future i'll post jokes fit for child.  :angel:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 03, 2012, 13:56:15
An lawyer was sitting in an airplane next a blonde girl, bored and wondered if she would make a fun game with him. But she was tired and wanted to sleep.
The lawyer did not give up and declared that the game is not only funny but also slightly: "I ask a question if you do not know the answer, you pay me 5 euros and vice versa." The blonde refused and put the seat back to sleep.
The lawyer remained obstinate and suggested: "OK, if you do not know the answer, you pay 5 €, but if I do not know the answer, I'll pay you 500 €!" Now agreed the blonde girl and the lawyer asked the first question: "What is the distance from earth to moon ?". The blonde reached into his pocket and wordlessly handed him over 5 €.
"Thanks," said the lawyer, "now it's your turn.". She asked him: "What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?". The lawyer was confused, stuck his laptop connected to the onboard phone, e-mails sent to his staff, asked at the State Library and all Internet search engines. But in vain, he found no answer. After an hour he gave up, woke the blonde and gave her 500 euros.
"Thanks," she said, and wanted to sleep on. The frustrated lawyer, but persisted and asked, "Well, what's the answer?".
Without a word, the blonde reached into his pocket and gave him 5 €!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on May 03, 2012, 23:19:19
a man is at a bar, nursing a beer one day when another man comes running in yelling at the man, "JOE! JOE! your father is dying!" so the man runs outside and says, "oh wait, i don't have a father." so he walks back into the bar and gets back to his beer. a little time passes when another man runs in and shouts at him, "JOE! JOE! your house is on fire!" so the man runs outside, hops in his car, and realises, "oh wait, i don't have a house." he goes back to his beer. some more time passes when yet another man runs in and tells the man, "JOE! JOE! you just won a $1,000,000 grant from the government! its down at the post office!" so the man sprints out of the bar, speeds to the post office, and yells at the clerk, "MY NAME IS NOT JOE!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 04, 2012, 14:10:14
Joe and Pete wants to the Navy. Joe is brought into the Navy office.
The officer says to him: "You only have to answer three questions. What do you do when an enemy comes."
Joe: "Kill."
Officer: "What do you do when the Admiral comes?"
Joe: "Congratulations to victory."
Officer: "And what do you say if I give a command?"
Joe: "Yes, sir!"
Officer. "Ok, we take you, please send Pete in!" Joe goes out and says to Pete, as he will reply: "'shooting', 'Congratulations on your victory' and 'Yes, sir,' say '. Pete goes in and gets the first Question: "What do you do when the Admiral comes?"
Pete: "Kill"
Officer: "What do you do when an enemy comes?"
Pete: "Congratulations to victory."
Officer: "Are you kidding me?"
Pete: "Yes, sir!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on May 04, 2012, 17:40:03
The Rules are simple if it is not fit for a child to read do not post it

Heavens above- it's children who know all the filthy language anyway. It's ADULTS you need to protect.  :angel:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 04, 2012, 18:22:29
Heavens above- it's children who know all the filthy language anyway. It's ADULTS you need to protect.  :angel:

no comment, but  :doh:  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 05, 2012, 16:06:53
Captain to his sailor: "Stop to cry out "land in sight", as long as we are still in the harbor! "
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on May 06, 2012, 22:07:31
Q: How do you make reservations for a Dutch movie?
A: Phone the cinema and ask how much they will pay you to watch it..   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 07, 2012, 08:31:50
At a  maneuver is a bridge blocked. She wears a sign reading "Blown Up".
The General looks completely stunned, as a whole company comfortably strolls across the bridge. The last soldier has a sign on his back. The General tearing up the field glasses and reads: "We swim!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 08, 2012, 11:02:42
Mrs. Mueller dishwasher was out ot order. So she called the service man, who announced himself for the next morning. Since she had an appointment at this time that she could not move, she told him on the phone: 'I leave the key under the door mat. Repair the dishwasher and let the bill on the kitchen table. By the way, they do not need to be afraid of my dog, they do nothing. But in any case, under no circumstances talk to the parrot.
When the service man came the next day, everything was advertised as. The dog was the biggest and scariest, he had ever seen, but he was very quiet, watching him quietly at the work. The parrot, however pelted him with nuts, screaming, cursing, and gave him constantly the vilest expressions.
Finally, the technician could not hold back any longer and yelled:
'Shut up, you ugly, stupid bird!'
To whish the parrot will be quiet
But the Parrot say to the Dog: 'Get him, Pluto!'   *
WHY MEN ARE NEVER EVEN LISTEN TO WOMEN?
and ... the moral of the story:
Obey the women, even if they have a bird
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on May 08, 2012, 22:45:15
did you hear about the cowboy with the newspaper hat, the wax paper shirt, the construction paper pants, and the printer paper boots?

he was arrested for rustling.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 10, 2012, 16:11:16
 :angel:

A woman sitting in a plane next to a priest. "Father," she says, "I must ask you a favor?" "Gladly, if I can, my daughter."

 "So you must know, I bought a very expensive and very good shaver for women, which is still brand new and now I am afraid must pay a lot of taxes at customs. Could you maybe hide it under your cassocks ? ""I can do, my daughter, the only problem is I can not lie."

 "Well," thinks the woman, "somehow it will work," and she gives him the razor. At the airport, the customs officer asked the priest if he has anything to declare. "From head to the middle is nothing to declaire, my son," says the priest.

Somewhat surprised, the customs officer ask: "And down the middle?" "Down there," the priest say, "I have a device for women that was not used before."

 The customs officer laughed loudly and shouted, "Next please."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 14, 2012, 14:05:21
Steve and Jack have stolen nuts.
To avoid detection, they sneak into the currently open mortuary to share it. Outside the door, they lose two of their nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," murmured they..
The clerk comes over and listens to the sermon. He is very shocked, his hairs stands on end. He ran to the priest: "Father, haunts the morgue because there is God and the Devel, they deals with the souls."
The priest looked his head and goes quietly with the clerk to the morgue.
"One for you, one for me:.. One for you, one for me. So thats all here, we get now the two at the door!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on May 15, 2012, 01:08:53
a mother is walking on the beach with her son, when suddenly a huge wave washes the son out to sea, and nobody is there to save him (the mother can't swim). so the mother looks to the sky, folds her hands and says, "God, please, that was my only son, and i loved him. can you please bring him back?" so the clouds part and the son softly lands back on the beach. the mother immediatly says, "... and he had a hat too!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 16, 2012, 12:29:09
An elderly lady comes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor, I have this wind, although it does not bother me so much.
They never stink, and they always go off quietly. Really, I had determined
already twenty flatulence, since I'm in this room, although you could not notice,
because this happens without smell or noise. "
The Doctor: "Take these pills and come in a week."

After a week she appears again and says:
"Doctor, what the hell have you me for pills? My bloating, although they are still silent but
they stink terribly! "
"Very well. Now, when your nose is working again, we want to take care of your hearing ..."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on May 16, 2012, 12:46:44
An elderly lady comes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor, I have this wind, although it does not bother me so much.
They never stink, and they always go off quietly. Really, I had determined
already twenty flatulence, since I'm in this room, although you could not notice,
because this happens without smell or noise. "
The Doctor: "Take these pills and come in a week."
After a week she appears again and says:
"Doctor, what the hell have you me for pills? My bloating, although they are still silent but
they stink terribly! "
"Very well. Now, when your nose is working again, we want to take care of your hearing ..."


Gernot1971,

Why not take a break?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on May 16, 2012, 13:09:28
@CaptainMike: Have edit the joke. Hope you mean that.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on May 21, 2012, 05:04:13
Question: What is a single Italian guy who does not live with his mother?

Answer: A priest..   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on May 21, 2012, 08:39:36
Question: What is a single Italian guy who does not live with his mother?

Answer: A priest..   ;D
Hehehe that one really made me laugh
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 01, 2012, 09:23:14
A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on June 01, 2012, 21:39:14
Roflol :D That's what I'd wanna do... That's two wishes, One more!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 04, 2012, 09:07:43

A boastful American from Texas was being shown the sights of London by a taxi-driver.
"What's that building there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Tower of London, sir," replied the taxi-driver.
"Say, we can put up buildings like that in two weeks," drawled the Texan.
A little while later he said, "And what's that building we're passing now?"
"That's Buckingham Palace, sir, where the Queen lives."
"Is that so?" said the Texan. "Do you know back in Texas we could put a place like that up in a week?"
A few minutes later they were passing Westminster Abbey. The American asked again,
"Hey cabbie, what's that building over there?"
"I'm afraid I don't know, sir," replied the taxi-driver.
"It wasn't there this morning."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 05, 2012, 16:56:31
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on June 08, 2012, 01:19:54
ROFLOL! That's the best one yet! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 09, 2012, 17:55:12
3 Impossibilities in the world
=======================

1- You can't count your hair.
 
 
2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
 
 
3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Please put your tongue back inside Your mouth. You look stupid
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: VirtualSkipper on June 09, 2012, 18:03:46
1- You can't count your hair.
 
 
2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
 
 
3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

You actually can do this, but it's not recommended.  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on June 09, 2012, 20:40:47

   (why would you want to wash your eyes?, unless you have been watching something naughty on tv)


what if something gets in your eyes? there's also emergency eyewash stations in labs and factories.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 10, 2012, 10:17:07
3 Impossibilities in the world
=======================

1- You can't count your hair.
 
 
2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
 
 
3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Please put your tongue back inside Your mouth. You look stupid


This explains a lot! :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 10, 2012, 18:58:37
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said:
"I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on June 11, 2012, 22:45:12
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said:
"I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.."

If I was the Man, I would have slapped the kid...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 11, 2012, 23:36:17
Working as a pediatric nurse, my wife had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on June 12, 2012, 09:05:35
Working as a pediatric nurse, my wife had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!


Maybe it was understandable in Dutch?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 12, 2012, 11:23:20
Her Arrival

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."


 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 14, 2012, 13:22:28
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 14, 2012, 16:33:52
MISSING

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood Diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.
A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that's the man who made this camp possible.
Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares.
'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'
An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 15, 2012, 08:17:41
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on June 15, 2012, 16:07:01
New WJCE,AQA and OCR new Anti-cheating rules
(http://cdn.nowaygirl.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/596062403-550x413.jpg)

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on June 15, 2012, 18:26:32
no, its the school for people who want to be the robot-guy in LMFAO music videos :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on June 16, 2012, 02:27:42
This guy?
(http://www.instructables.com/image/FTGZPQ0GTYSUQBX/LMFAO-ROBOT-COSTUME.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on June 16, 2012, 05:20:11
yeah him
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on June 16, 2012, 13:25:15
Not so much as a Joke, but an example how funny childrens minds work:

Just before my son was deployed to Afghanistan , he sat my eight-year-old grandson down and broke the news to him.
'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Afghanistan ..'
'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on June 16, 2012, 15:27:48
no, its the school for people who want to be the robot-guy in LMFAO music videos :doh:
the box stops you looking left or right as it rests on your sholders so you can only look down that stops you speaking to the person next to you. also it makes it hard to look at texts as its on your sholders
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on June 16, 2012, 19:35:08
i know, the LMFAO robot guy school was just a joke about the picture.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 16, 2012, 22:35:13
 :angel:
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.


The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
 :evil:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on June 16, 2012, 22:53:34
A man dies and goes up to heaven. but God says, "Now I will give you the choice of either going to heaven or to hell. But first I will show you what each one looks like." So first God shows the man heaven. It's a big, bright white place above the clouds where everyone flies around, hangs out with friends, family, and celebrities, and the man thinks its okay. Then he's showed hell; it's a white sandy tropical beach with turquoise water, and there are many beautiful girls and he's lounging in a comfy chair sipping an ice-cold beer. So after God shows him around, the man says "Now heaven was nice, but hell was even better! I wanna go there!".

A few days pass, and God decides to pay the man a visit in hell. He's slaving in fields of fire and lava while hideous demons whip and torment him. The man says, "God, what happened to the beach with the girls and the beer?" God says, "That was the screen-saver."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 18, 2012, 11:09:31
There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 20, 2012, 10:02:41
 :doh:

(http://cl.jroo.me/z3/Y/-/u/d/a.aaa-Funny-toilet.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 21, 2012, 09:54:52
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 22, 2012, 12:01:35
At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out. When they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on June 25, 2012, 11:24:01
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" He asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 03, 2012, 13:05:19
Tina asks Bill, "Will you love me when I'm old and graying?"

Bill replies, "Just love you? I shall admire you. I shall worship the very ground that you walk on. I shall...", then asks hesitantly, "you're not going to look like your mother, are you?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on July 03, 2012, 19:35:07
wow gernot, six posts in a row! :doh:

there were these two men sitting under a tree in the forest. one is reading, and the other is writing. a bear comes along and eats the reader, who goes down nicely. the bear then eats the writer, which gives it a stomachache. why? because of reader's digest and writer's cramp.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 04, 2012, 09:37:27
Yeah, Rbsanford, you rescue me.  ;D Know i now how Robinson Crusoe feel if he find his Friend Friday.  :doh:

At this day, i will call you Friday.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on July 04, 2012, 17:13:54
sounds great, Friday it is! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 05, 2012, 14:29:09
(http://sodedaprivatpage.beepworld.de/files/humortoilette.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on July 05, 2012, 16:51:53
what is the same thing between a duck and a spoon?

neither is a lamp :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on July 07, 2012, 01:59:31
You'll get this one after reading it a few times...
Two guys are walking down a street.. One guy walks into a bar, He says "ouch..."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on July 10, 2012, 04:58:37
"What will it be?"
"Uh, I'll have one banana please."
"Okay, that'll be $1.50."
"Uh... can I just give you a dollar? Its all I have on me at the moment."
"No."
"Aw, come on."
"One dollar will get you just the peel."
"Great, then I'll take the fruit for 50 cents."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 10, 2012, 11:21:10
Three old men went to see God.
 
The first old man, an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession.
"100 years," God said.
The American started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"
 
Second man, a Russian asked God "When will my country become prosperous?"
"Fifty years," came the reply.
Russian too started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"
 
Finally the Greek asked God, "When will my country become
corruption-free?"
God started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 10, 2012, 11:36:18
Three old men went to see God.
 
The first old man, an American, asked God when will his country come out of recession.
"100 years," God said.
The American started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"
 
Second man, a Russian asked God "When will my country become prosperous?"
"Fifty years," came the reply.
Russian too started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"
 
Finally the Greece asked God, "When will my country become
corruption-free?"
God started weeping profusely. "I will not live to see that day"




Actually funny!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 12, 2012, 09:48:29
*Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.*

*The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know dis face but I can't put a name to it."*

*The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 14, 2012, 10:48:18
A little bit old, but alltime good. :)

(http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4429707_700b.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 14, 2012, 10:53:03
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.*

*They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"*

*Shocked, I answered, " Yes."*

*They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."*

*I said, "I  know, but she has a lovely personality
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 14, 2012, 11:07:32
 :doh: ;D respect CaptainMike1
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 14, 2012, 11:08:29
*Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his

feet.*

*"What are you doing?" he asks.*

*"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.*

*"It should be round your neck," says the guard.*

*"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."*

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on July 16, 2012, 03:24:20
A man dies and goes up to heaven. but God says, "Now I will give you the choice of either going to heaven or to hell. But first I will show you what each one looks like." So first God shows the man heaven. It's a big, bright white place above the clouds where everyone flies around, hangs out with friends, family, and celebrities, and the man thinks its okay. Then he's showed hell; it's a white sandy tropical beach with turquoise water, and there are many beautiful girls and he's lounging in a comfy chair sipping an ice-cold beer. So after God shows him around, the man says "Now heaven was nice, but hell was even better! I wanna go there!".

A few days pass, and God decides to pay the man a visit in hell. He's slaving in fields of fire and lava while hideous demons whip and torment him. The man says, "God, what happened to the beach with the girls and the beer?" God says, "That was the screen-saver."
Old post, but, I feel bad for the guy
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on July 16, 2012, 03:33:31
Dexy, the beach in your profile pic looks a lot like the screensaver in hell. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 16, 2012, 09:16:57
Me mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a

pint of milk & never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that

powdered stuff!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 16, 2012, 09:50:46
Dexy, the beach in your profile pic looks a lot like the screensaver in hell. :doh:

(http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/091/4/d/devil__s_beach_by_kev7n-d3d048w.jpg)  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 16, 2012, 09:57:24
Dexy, the beach in your profile pic looks a lot like the screensaver in hell. :doh:

Not sure what sort of joke this is meant to be?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 16, 2012, 09:57:34
(http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/091/4/d/devil__s_beach_by_kev7n-d3d048w.jpg)  ;D

Not sure what sort of joke this is meant to be?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on July 16, 2012, 10:09:56
A man dies and goes up to heaven. but God says, "Now I will give you the choice of either going to heaven or to hell. But first I will show you what each one looks like." So first God shows the man heaven. It's a big, bright white place above the clouds where everyone flies around, hangs out with friends, family, and celebrities, and the man thinks its okay. Then he's showed hell; it's a white sandy tropical beach with turquoise water, and there are many beautiful girls and he's lounging in a comfy chair sipping an ice-cold beer. So after God shows him around, the man says "Now heaven was nice, but hell was even better! I wanna go there!".

A few days pass, and God decides to pay the man a visit in hell. He's slaving in fields of fire and lava while hideous demons whip and torment him. The man says, "God, what happened to the beach with the girls and the beer?" God says, "That was the screen-saver."

Dexy, the beach in your profile pic looks a lot like the screensaver in hell. :doh:
Not sure what sort of joke this is meant to be?

That's the story CaptainMike1.  ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on July 17, 2012, 07:32:17
Dexy, the beach in your profile pic looks a lot like the screensaver in hell. :doh:
but no girls drinking beer.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 17, 2012, 09:25:55
but no girls drinking beer.

Great joke ROTFLOL!!!

 :doh: :doh: ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on July 18, 2012, 19:22:12
 ???
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on July 18, 2012, 19:44:54
dexy, this should be your new picture:

(http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5254/5483425736_b0b8f572f8_z.jpg)

the girls may be absent, but at least there's beer. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on July 19, 2012, 02:50:29
Nah... I don't like beer... Guess why? I'm only 14. :P

Now let's get back to the jokes.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 19, 2012, 09:23:08
Now let's get back to the jokes.

Well said
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on July 21, 2012, 09:49:08
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate'
in a sentence.

 

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was 
fascinating.'

 

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

 

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'


Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.


She finally decided there was no way he could damage the  word  'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried...
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on July 23, 2012, 16:29:05
;D That's nice to say. lol
Can I rate it? if so 9/10
Wait a second
didn't Aad the Pirate do this one before?
http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136353/topicseen.html#msg136353
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 01, 2012, 10:26:07
New Password
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on August 01, 2012, 18:32:18
Kid's are wise this days, aren't they?

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 01, 2012, 19:49:56
A bus full of Army recruits arrives at a boot camp. Once all the recruits are off the bus, the drill sergeant asks everyone, "Who here has the best musical skills?" Four raise their hands, looking for an easy job. The sergeant notices them and says, "Good, then you get to move the pianos."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on August 02, 2012, 14:18:38
Well said

After 100 pages of drivel, I think it's a bit late for that...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 04, 2012, 09:50:46
Irish Road Accident
 
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 04, 2012, 16:41:37
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are at a restaurant. The waiter says, "Excuse me, there currently is a shortage of steak, so that item is off the menu."

The Texan says, "Whats a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Whats a steak?"

And the New Yorker says, "Whats 'Excuse me'?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Second Mate on August 11, 2012, 22:06:54
two women sitting together silent.......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 12, 2012, 17:52:19
http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/5852

LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Second Mate on August 13, 2012, 21:23:40
(http://i651.photobucket.com/albums/uu235/s7vex/funny.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 14, 2012, 16:32:28
Apple update! Hope it passes the test?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 14, 2012, 18:40:06
Apple Apple Apple... :doh:

They could take a normal pencil, paint it white, slap an Apple logo on it, and put it in some hi-tech packaging and they could sell it for $1000 and everyone would buy it. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 16, 2012, 09:51:43
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

 

 

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table

because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

 

 

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything

inside them is colour-coded.'

 

 

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;

everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

 

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those

guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and

when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

 

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no

balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the

mouth and the bum - and they are interchangeable'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on August 28, 2012, 16:02:53
during a quite funaral service in the yorkshire countrey side the vicer said "let there be peace"
next moment armed police are running in with the army and a bomb squad and got everyone to walk out with hands on there heads.
each person asked where was the bomb .
the vicer said "what bomb?"
police said " we had a tip off that there was a bomb in the church"
vicer "what!? its a funural service for mr w. bomb."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 28, 2012, 17:13:58
An old man was crying on a bus stop bench. Another old man sat next to him and said, "Why are you crying?" The sad man says, "I have a ton of money, a huge house, a cool car, and a beautiful wife."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I forgot where I live!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on September 05, 2012, 21:18:49
I wrote a book on helium, it flew off the shelves.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 19, 2012, 16:47:47
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, “We'll lie and say we only found two!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 21, 2012, 11:57:50
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 21, 2012, 21:45:59
Two hunters are walking through the forest to their deer stand, when one collapses from a heart attack. The other, amazed there is cell reception, calls 911. The hunter explains it, and says his friend might be dead. The operator says, "Well, first make sure he's dead before you start guessing." A muffled gunshot is heard from the other line. The hunter says, "Okay, now what?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on September 22, 2012, 12:13:04
If I was the hunter that was alive, I would have put a suppressor on that gun... lol
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 22, 2012, 13:25:04
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 25, 2012, 18:50:08
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day', [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

Have a nice Day; and remember, There is always someone else with a Job that is more of a Pain in the Butt than Yours!

If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

 
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 25, 2012, 23:57:19
Paul: "You know Eddy, they say Friday the 13th is a very unlucky day. Some legends say that monsters and ghosts come out to scare everyone."

Eddy: "Oooh, I hope Halloween will be on Friday the 13th!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 26, 2012, 09:13:55
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day', [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

Have a nice Day; and remember, There is always someone else with a Job that is more of a Pain in the Butt than Yours!

If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

 
 




Borderline
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 26, 2012, 14:47:52
Innocence is priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small USA flags mounted on either side of it.  
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.  "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.  
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 28, 2012, 12:22:59
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then,

Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining

On him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy.
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on September 30, 2012, 15:46:38
Your very first
Thanksgiving Day Message (http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05/11/egreetings/image/01.swf)

Click anywhere on the bold text
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 30, 2012, 18:04:17
But it's not even October yet! Well, at least here it's not.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on September 30, 2012, 18:39:05
But it's not even October yet! Well, at least here it's not.
Will be in one or two days...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 30, 2012, 19:48:49
Gabe Newell was interviewed recently, and was questioned about the long awaited Half-Life 3. He said he had no comment on the project. He said right after that, "But don't be misled. I can count to three. Just watch: one, two... episode one.... uh... episode 2... and I think that's about it..."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 17, 2012, 10:03:56
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. 


A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."   
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 17, 2012, 13:08:05
A proton walks into a bar to get an after work drink. After his drink, he asks the bartender how much it will cost. The bartender grins and says, "For you, it's no charge."

A block of gold walks into a bar and the bartender yells at him: "Au! Get outta here!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 18, 2012, 12:12:06
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 18, 2012, 14:22:21
Perfect example of pork barrel spending, salty. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 22, 2012, 14:20:22
Daily Exercise Routine for Seniors
And those who will join us soon

(http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/Block.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 22, 2012, 22:54:39
Too lazy to do it with that block, I'll use a Lego block instead.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 23, 2012, 23:49:55
A budder nugget is more suitable.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 24, 2012, 10:28:38
Nahh I'll walk around a budder block in minecraft
budder=gold

Great JOKE!!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on October 25, 2012, 22:25:07
what joke :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 26, 2012, 00:03:58
Does anyone want a henway? I have one too many. Henways are great though, they really do everything for you.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on October 26, 2012, 09:23:55
what joke :P

That's the one  :2thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 26, 2012, 21:49:15
Nobody wants to know what a henway is?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on October 27, 2012, 17:56:23
About 2kg?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on October 27, 2012, 18:09:36
Its an old joke. Used by the Marx Brothers, among others
Freind: What's a henway?
You: A hen weighs about 4 to 6 pounds
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on October 27, 2012, 19:33:36
Exactly. ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on October 27, 2012, 21:07:29
So if you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets.  You are allowed to shoot four MPs in the behind.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth?  No problem.  Need glasses?  That's great.  Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?  They're all covered.  And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?  It's the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a nursing home.  Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

PS
If this weren't so sad, you could laugh 'bout it.
And if this weren't so funny, you could cry 'bout it
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on October 28, 2012, 17:39:14
PS
If this weren't so sad, you could laugh 'bout it.
And if this weren't so funny, you could cry 'bout it


What about:

"If this wasn't so flaming true...."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on November 07, 2012, 11:45:16
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around having fun.  She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says.
"Yes." he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids if you want.", she says.
"It's best I stay here." he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
The boy replies:

"Because I'm the goal keeper"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 07, 2012, 23:42:12
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar, and the first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer, the third half of the previous order, and so on. After a while the bartender says, "Ok, I get it! You want two beers!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 08, 2012, 21:45:36
OPINIONS


On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 09, 2012, 00:46:36
A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered the 'Chicken Surprise.'
The waiter brought the meal, served in a cast iron pot with a lid. Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she caught a brief glance of two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.
'Good grief, did you see that???' she asked her husband.
He hadn't, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down.
Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.

'Excuse please,' said the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replied, 'Chicken Surprise.'


'So sorry,' said the waiter, 'My mistake... I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 09, 2012, 04:08:02
I would make a good chemistry joke, but they Argon. :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Gernot1971 on November 10, 2012, 11:43:58
(http://shortjokes.net.au/short_jokes_pics/moses.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 10, 2012, 15:57:44
KETCHUP


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle.
Shaking, slamming on the bottom, nothing seems to help.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, She's hitting the bottle.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 14, 2012, 17:24:30
This one is too cute to keep it to myself.
Please click  HERE (http://nl.hallmark.be/ecards/nl_airhorn_nl.swf) and watch till the baby is sound asleep.
Then click the Airhorn.
(Don't mind the sub-titles, they are for the Dutch and Belgian viewers)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 16, 2012, 17:43:16

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
 
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
 



After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry but your duck Cuddles, has
 
passed away."
 


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
 


"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
 
He might just be in a coma or something."
 


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a
 
Labrador Retriever.
 


As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
 
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
 
eyes and shook his head.
 


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
 
a cat.
 


The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
 
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
 


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
 
a dead duck."
 


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
 
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
 


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20 but with the lab tests and cat scan.......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on November 16, 2012, 17:47:47
Quite brilliant that one Mike. :2thumbs:

Angus.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 16, 2012, 21:09:41
The only brillant thing on this is that a reindeer called Rudolph changed into a duck and Santa changed into a woman.

http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg150694/topicseen.html#msg150694 (http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg150694/topicseen.html#msg150694)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 16, 2012, 23:49:34
Aad

You're the only one here whose memory goes back three years and you still don't know the difference between a duck and a reindeer!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 17, 2012, 17:22:02
Remember  this one? (http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg385476.html#msg385476)
Well, this one is even worse!

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2012


Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2012 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students..

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2012- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from 4th of July, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasps' nest.

1957 - Wasps die.

2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2012- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sad, isn't it?


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: ci on November 17, 2012, 18:43:31
Hi Aad

sad but true
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 17, 2012, 22:26:48
Yeah, when my dad was a kid, he and his friend tied up a bunch of flares, put a clock on it, and tied it to the vice principle's chair.

Back then it was a joke and everyone laughed, but now it's a serious matter. It's almost as if you can't have fun anymore. :-\
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2012, 20:46:31
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn
around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care..

I have now done MY part.

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on November 18, 2012, 21:58:13
STOPPED by police @ 2am
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Point taken Aad. ::) But your final note is very pertinent.
 
  

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 18, 2012, 22:17:01
(http://members.chello.nl/a.vermeulen14/potm/applause.gif)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 22, 2012, 10:36:08
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back

and inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest

fear was that there was no after-life at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.  True

to his word, he made the first contact: "Rowena...Rowena "


"Is that you, William?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."


 "That's wonderful!   What's it like?"


 "Well, I get up in the morning; I have sex. I have breakfast and

then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm

sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch

(you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf

course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After

supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late

at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it

starts all over again"

"Oh, William, are you in Heaven?"


 "No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 23, 2012, 22:19:55
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a police officer was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at hes uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' he answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' he told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward him, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on November 24, 2012, 13:39:47
I decided it was time for me to take more care of myself, so I went on a diet.
I couldn't decide which one to pick, but eventually, I ended up doing the new whiskey diet...


It's really great and I'm making great progress..  I've lost 6 days already!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 24, 2012, 18:30:37
It was the end of the day when a Cop  parked his Police-Van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and the Cop saw a little boy staring in at him.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' the Cop replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the Cop and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What did he do?

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 26, 2012, 20:02:26
Hanging "by my boob"

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say: "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically: "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."   
I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking:  "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said: "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said: "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said: "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "Maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite: "Hi, how's it going" type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible: "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.  Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said: "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 27, 2012, 00:06:22
            Haikus are easy
They don't have to make much sense
              Refrigerator.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 27, 2012, 00:08:48
 
Irish Fire Insurance
 
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.
 
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a
year!
 
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see
 
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
 
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland
 
to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!
 
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,
here it is on
 
the screen,it says:
 
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'
 
 
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 27, 2012, 10:16:06
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the
teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
No, not at all," says the chemist.
Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on November 28, 2012, 00:50:23
What do you do with an ill chemist?
Curium.
What about an injured chemist?
Helium.
And a dead one?
Barium.

Did you hear about the date between Oxygen and Potassium?
I guess it went OK.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on November 29, 2012, 11:35:00
At the age of 207 CaptainMike1, you should know that is not a very appropriate thing to post here. >:( I have taken the liberty of removing it.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on November 29, 2012, 14:24:49
At the age of 207 CaptainMike1, you should know that is not a very appropriate thing to post here. >:( I have taken the liberty of removing it.

Thought it was quite a seasonal joke! And suitable for the under 207's !!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on November 29, 2012, 16:35:44
Christmas Party

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    December 1, 2012

RE:       Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! 
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    December 2, 2012

RE:       Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees

DATE:   December 3, 2012

RE:        Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:        All Employees

DATE:   December 4, 2012

RE:        Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:     All Employees

DATE:  December  5, 2012

RE:     The Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian !!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your  salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you weirdos can stop complaining. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and get caught,

The Bitch from Hell!!!


Company Memo
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 04, 2012, 13:03:59
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the
 Eversweet Company.
 
 In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
 
  'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
 asked the solicitor.
 Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
 fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
 
 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
 question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
 
 Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin'
 down da road.... '
 
 The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
 establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
 police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
 he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
 Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
 
 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to
 the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
 Bessie'.
 Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just
 loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin'
 her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering
 tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one
 ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad
 like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and
 groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
 
 Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
 hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
 After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot
 her between the eyes.
 
 Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
 said, 'How are you feelin'?'
 
 'Now wot da hell would you say?'
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 04, 2012, 17:17:56
ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, John used to take his 4-year-old daughter on her afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day John found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As he braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered:
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 05, 2012, 01:57:40
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

May god (the imaginery friend) save us
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on December 05, 2012, 02:03:41
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
 said, 'How are you feelin'?'
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 05, 2012, 14:08:06
I always did find the Kid's Logic far superior to most others. For Example:

DRESS-UP


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned:  "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 07, 2012, 13:48:37
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.


This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.  The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ... Yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”   He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted.  He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 07, 2012, 22:14:36
A chicken walked into a library, went to the desk, and said "Book. Book. Book." So the librarian gave the chicken three books. The chicken left only to return a short time later with the same books, returned them, and asked for more. This went on several times until the librarian became curious. This time, he followed the chicken. They left the library, walked out of the city, into a swamp, then came up to a docile frog. The chicken presented the books to the frog who simply replied:

"Reddit. Reddit. Reddit."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 08, 2012, 16:38:10
DEATH


While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

(I want this line used at my funeral!)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 09, 2012, 11:07:01
Christmas warning: Drinking and driving


I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with
the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years.


A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had
a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita.

Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something

I've never done before:  I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because I was in a

taxi, they waved it on past.



 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got this one!

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 09, 2012, 17:52:07
NUDITY
I was driving with my three grandchildren one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old granddaughter shout from the back seat:
"Grandpa, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 09, 2012, 18:19:42
NUDITY
I was driving with my three grandchildren one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old granddaughter shout from the back seat:
"Grandpa, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


Not sure that's suitable for a 207 year old!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2012, 16:47:19
Not sure that's suitable for a 207 year old!


Oh so mature for a 207 year old. C'mon, Mike, get a life

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked:
"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 17, 2012, 15:57:33
SCHOOL


A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 17, 2012, 18:19:12
First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman  started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy  replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 17, 2012, 19:02:57
2nd Christmas Joke

A Romantic Christmas Tale


A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said: "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said: "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on December 17, 2012, 21:01:07
Did you hear about the date between Oxygen and Potassium?
I guess it went OK.

I heard oxygen was with Magnesium -OMg

Although someone said that nitrogen had a thing going with oxygen - NO
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on December 17, 2012, 21:58:47
Au! Reply! These jokes are gold! HeHeHeHeHe, ok you've sulphured enough, I wont say Na more.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 17, 2012, 23:09:25
Santa got the Nobel prize in chemistry. After getting it he said:

"Holmium, Holmium, Holmium!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on December 17, 2012, 23:15:00
That joke was just................. pre-phosphorous!!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 18, 2012, 01:48:59
You may have a mole, or maybe a mole, but I have a mole of moles and each one has a mole of moles. :doh:

So that's 406,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 moles and each one has 406,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 moles, so that's 364,816,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 moles.

That's enough moles to fill all the oceans of the world and to form a three-mile layer around the Earth, but since each mole has a mole of moles, then each mole is pretty much an individual mole, but actually composed of a mole of moles. But be careful, because one of these moles is a mole. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 18, 2012, 18:33:53
Golf on Christmas Day

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I
bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 23, 2012, 09:16:00
 
 
 Family Tree
 
 

 

 

Adam  and Eve

  

A  little girl asked her mother,  
"How did the human  race start?"  
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they  had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two  days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."



The  confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that  you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from  monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I  told you about my side of the family and your father told you about  his."

 


 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 23, 2012, 21:40:31
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on December 23, 2012, 21:52:53
Sven and Ole were fishing in the middle of Skipper Lake, when suddenly Sven caught a huge northern pike. Sven struggled with it for a minute, but the fish was so huge and so strong that it pulled Sven off the boat and into the murky water. Immediately, Ole pulled him out of the water and onto the boat and gave him mouth to mouth. He then thought "Wow, that was pretty bad coffee Sven drank this morning." He looked up and said, "Hey, Sven wasn't wearing a snowmobile suit when he fell out."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on December 23, 2012, 22:34:20
BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. "
He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old  leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on December 27, 2012, 18:02:08
South African Dutchman, Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.

While on holiday in Australia, he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea, he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Bloody great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
 

"We'd never get away with that at home!!”

 


 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 04, 2013, 12:43:32
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.


As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cell phone etiquette, ya think ?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on January 06, 2013, 19:27:28
The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ...   He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "


Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 07, 2013, 22:39:28
This one's kind of cheesy...

What has 4 eyes but can't see?

Mississippi
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 09, 2013, 00:00:07
Agreed, in terms of jokes (at least here that is), illnesses, disorders, fatal injuries, etc. is a grey area.

EDIT: the bad joke has been removed, ignore this now irrelevant post.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on January 09, 2013, 03:23:52
That is sick. Out of order. This is not a funny subject.

Agreed
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on January 09, 2013, 10:06:12
I have removed offending post.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 09, 2013, 10:40:13
Charley, a retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

 

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company

and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

 

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

 

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

 

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."

 

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

 

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

                     

"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on January 09, 2013, 12:03:14
Still looks very funny though!

Not really when so many folks are dealing with one or the other of those terrible illnesses. Not at all funny. :thumbdown:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sadsid († 2016) on January 09, 2013, 12:47:23
Hi Angus
I removed both of the posts .
                                         Eric
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 09, 2013, 20:42:53
A lady in the pew next to me was saying a prayer. Perhaps we should pray:-

"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years.

You have taken my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician, Michael Jackson.

My favourite singer, Whitney Houston.

My favourite actress, Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite blues singer, Amy Winehouse.

My favourite jazz pianist, Dave Brubeck.

And now, my favourite sitar player, Ravi Shankar

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are " David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & John Bercow."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on January 10, 2013, 17:00:05
I was telling everyone a joke about chemistry



There was no reaction!  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 10, 2013, 22:33:37
Today I told a joke about acids and bases mixing.

Everyone exploded into laughter.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 17, 2013, 13:26:40
English Stiff Upper Lip

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 21, 2013, 11:48:18
RETIRED HUSBAND
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the  restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Help Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department -  twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

 
Yours faithfully,
 
Manager.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on January 22, 2013, 02:22:29
Good one CaptainMike, that was really funny! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 22, 2013, 13:11:49
Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 25, 2013, 10:45:34
A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on January 26, 2013, 15:20:35
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on January 29, 2013, 10:33:16
A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Hello. Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education."


The other person says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."


The man goes on and encounters another person. "Hello. Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England."


The person says, "I not English, I Pakistani."

 

The new arrival walks on and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Hello. Thank you for wonderful country England!"


That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not British."

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Hello. Are you  Englishwoman?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?"

 

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably all at work."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 02, 2013, 11:22:08
Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his blues and twos and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: serkan on February 20, 2013, 18:05:28
shipsim Harlem Shake :)

http://hsmaker.com/harlemshake.asp?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shipsim.com%2F
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on February 20, 2013, 18:13:46
shipsim Harlem Shake :)

http://hsmaker.com/harlemshake.asp?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shipsim.com%2F


My PC says that's an unsafe web site!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on February 20, 2013, 18:38:55
shipsim Harlem Shake :)

http://hsmaker.com/harlemshake.asp?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shipsim.com%2F

This is a link to the Ship Sim website. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Ralphy on February 21, 2013, 14:45:55
haha, that's very good.

The latest internet craze is the "Harlem Shake" in which one person starts of by dancing and then everyone else joins in with a crazy dance. That page has the ship sim website doing the Harlem shake
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on March 01, 2013, 02:30:45
PLAN

(P+L)(A+N)

PA+PN+LA+LN

I foiled your plan! :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 08, 2013, 12:41:22
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...
What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on March 17, 2013, 20:30:07
If you into sports in the UK you'll get it
Spot the welshman
(http://sphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s480x480/526791_10151568176521369_1257835583_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 21, 2013, 16:41:02
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and said, I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .
The other woman responded proudly, Yes, I sure am!

The first one said, So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?

The other woman answered, I'm from Dublin , I am.

The first one responded, So, am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other woman said, A lovely little area. It was in the west end.
I lived on Warbury Street , in the old central part of town.

The first one said, Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?

The other woman answered, Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.

The first one got really excited and said, And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?

The other woman answered, Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.

The first woman exclaimed, The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!


About this time, Michael walked into the bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walked over to Michael shaking his head, and muttered, It's going to be a long night tonight.

Michael asked, Why do you say that, Brian?

Brian answered, The Murphy twins are drunk again.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 24, 2013, 18:12:17
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on March 24, 2013, 18:19:42
You might have heard this in the latest Family Guy (which promoted post-9/11/01 xenophobia by the way), but oh well:

If pro is the opposite of con, then what's the opposite of progress?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on March 27, 2013, 21:47:35
RETIRED HUSBAND
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the  restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Help Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department -  twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

 
Yours faithfully,
 
Manager.


Ahoy Sealords and Ladys,
Due to personal matters it's a while ago that I was here the last time.
Strolling through the jokes I have'nt read I spotted this one, and I thought I read it before.
A line copied and pated into the search box made clear why it sounded so familair.
I put it in here almost three years ago. ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg237760.html#msg237760 )
To make a long story short:
Nobody expects that a contributor to this thread reads all the jokes before he enters one, but the search option isn't there because there was an empty spot to fill.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on March 27, 2013, 22:22:04
LOL
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 03, 2013, 23:46:51
North Wales police under cover
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 14, 2013, 11:13:08
Ahoy Sealords and Ladys,
Due to personal matters it's a while ago that I was here the last time.
Strolling through the jokes I have'nt read I spotted this one, and I thought I read it before.
A line copied and pated into the search box made clear why it sounded so familair.
I put it in here almost three years ago. ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg237760.html#msg237760 )
To make a long story short:
Nobody expects that a contributor to this thread reads all the jokes before he enters one, but the search option isn't there because there was an empty spot to fill.

Are you SERIOUSLY suggesting that before posting something that a poster should check every post via the search function just to be sure that it hasn't been posted before?

Perhaps you should run your own post through the search facility and you will see that you have been lord of the manor on this thread previously.

Nice to see you back, btw.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 14, 2013, 12:06:36
Are you SERIOUSLY suggesting that before posting something that a poster should check every post via the search function just to be sure that it hasn't been posted before?

Perhaps you should run your own post through the search facility and you will see that you have been lord of the manor on this thread previously.

Nice to see you back, btw.

Stuart you should know that is Aad's idea of a joke!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 14, 2013, 12:24:44
Stuart you should know that is Aad's idea of a joke!
Mind yo I'm worse- the under cover joke  :P
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 14, 2013, 17:14:16
Stuart you should know that is Aad's idea of a joke!

I know. And my post was my idea of a joke!

What would Aad think if I wasn't insulting him! ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Stuart2007 on April 14, 2013, 17:14:39
Mind yo I'm worse- the under cover joke  :P

The first part of your statement was more accurate ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 14, 2013, 18:22:40
The first part of your statement was more accurate ;D
Flipping autocorrect

A bomb disposal expert is the best job in the world! You never know if you had a bad day  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 18, 2013, 03:51:20
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 18, 2013, 04:59:07
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."



Great, sure Aad will love this one SD!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on April 18, 2013, 07:27:28
I laughed.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on April 24, 2013, 15:59:37
Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50."

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get a chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, you know that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50."

The Pilot overheard the couple and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, It's £50."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 is £50!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on April 24, 2013, 22:51:49
NaCl
NaHO

The base is under a salt! :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on April 26, 2013, 13:05:15
@ Saltydog:
LSLMPDO
@ clanky:
LOL
How about this one:

The Horse Shelter



It seems a hobby farmer on the city’s outskirts sought council permission to erect a Horse Shelter.
Permission was denied,leading to a typical protracted one sided negotiation with Council.
Exasperated the property owner wrote “I suppose you wouldn’t even allow me to put a table and chairs out there...”.

“Of course a table and chairs are permissible” replied council.
 
Don'tcha love it when we beat red tape?!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dannypenguin on April 26, 2013, 15:24:41

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed.

JUST AHEAD of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 26, 2013, 16:37:05
@ Saltydog:
LSLMPDO
Not quite sure what that means (can't find it in the usual slang)
I'm guessing Laughed So Loud My Penguin Dived Overboard.. ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Traddles on April 26, 2013, 17:12:27
Hi Salty, I think you get 100% plus 10% for that one. ;)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 28, 2013, 10:29:23
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't  have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did.  Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
 was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
 
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my
 favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her
 it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest,
but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person
I admired most.
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on April 28, 2013, 17:54:45
Sn2

Sn--Sn

(S+S)(S+n)(n+S)(n+n)

Tin foil! ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 28, 2013, 17:57:56
Sn2

Sn--Sn

(S+S)(S+n)(n+S)(n+n)

Tin foil! ;D

Hilarious
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on April 29, 2013, 17:01:36


This one is golden

I think this one should be deleted - sick
 The so called joke has been removed. There is no room for this kind of thing here on the forum. It actually comes nowhere near being funny, just rather sick. :doh:
Traddles

Thanks Traddles!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on April 29, 2013, 17:45:41
I think this one should be deleted - sick

Agreed. Sick and disrespectful.

-Thanks Traddles!  :thumbs:-
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 29, 2013, 17:48:30
Agreed - reported!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 29, 2013, 22:35:03
Not funny at all.. :thumbdown:
 -edit: I see it has been removed..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: STORMM_29 on April 29, 2013, 23:49:09
whats so wrong about the joke
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 30, 2013, 01:22:24
A girl gets hit by a brick and afterwards has a speech impediment because of it, is not a funny joke..
As you are only 12 years old, it's a bit hard to explain. I'm sure the "joke" gets some laughs on your playground..
 Most people here are a bit older than 12..
Might be a good idea to post your jokes in a forum for kids..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: STORMM_29 on April 30, 2013, 02:11:40
Uh ya I may be 12 but my friends are all jokey but I heard the joke when a teacher at school was around. I have a cousin with almost the same thing except he got drop onto the floor at the hospital. I am sorry if I hert anybody
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: dexter7 on April 30, 2013, 02:53:29
Please, just understand two facts:

A. Our minds work a little but different than yours.

B. Just because someone else is okay with it, doesn't mean other people are okay with it. Posting rude "jokes" (or whatever they are) and poking fun at disabilities is not acceptable on this forum.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on April 30, 2013, 03:53:43
Two zebras pondering

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
 The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
 The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on April 30, 2013, 08:24:03
Please, just understand two facts:

A. Our minds work a little but different than yours.

B. Just because someone else is okay with it, doesn't mean other people are okay with it. Posting rude "jokes" (or whatever they are) and poking fun at disabilities is not acceptable on this forum.
Yeah good point - it's acctually against the rules of the forum to.
But here a good joke
Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

A: "Cheap, cheap!"
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mad_Fred on May 05, 2013, 18:38:28
I know it's an oldie and I do not know if it counts as a joke, but I happened to come across it again today and the link in another topic that has it is dead..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: danny on May 05, 2013, 18:42:09
I know it's an oldie and I do not know if it counts as a joke, but I happened to come across it again today and the link in another topic that has it is dead..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

(http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/30994873.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: pomperek on May 05, 2013, 22:07:46
A man who can be trusted? Gypsy without hands.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 07, 2013, 15:05:05
Not quite sure what that means (can't find it in the usual slang)
I'm guessing Laughed So Loud My Penguin Dived Overboard.. ;)
Laughed So Loud My Pants Dropped Off
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: larsdehaan on May 07, 2013, 20:55:27
Apple got rid of iTunes  ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on May 07, 2013, 21:32:54
Apple got rid of iTunes  ;D
Pirates wished
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on May 11, 2013, 13:02:25
if apple made a car would windows be pre-installed  :doh:
so bad  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on May 11, 2013, 17:22:51
If Windows 8 was a car, than the largest control on the dashboard would be the left turn signal. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on May 11, 2013, 18:04:33
If Windows 8 was a car, than the largest control on the dashboard would be the left turn signal. :doh:
if linux had a zoo - would it be filled with penguins?
 
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on May 11, 2013, 19:49:17
If Apple had a grocery store, it would be full of apples.

That was dumb. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on May 12, 2013, 09:18:05
If Apple had a grocery store, it would be full of apples.

That was dumb. :doh:
There is an apple shop here which doesn't sell apples but cider
Typical apple fan

Guy 1: Hey, how much did you pay for that mac?
Guy 2: $1500
Guy 1: So it must have a nVidia 8800 and like 4GB of RAM right?
GUy 2: No, onboard graphics and 1GB of RAM
Guy 1: So why was it so much?
Guy 2: The keyboard is nice
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on May 12, 2013, 17:59:32
If Apple made pencils, they would be simple, white, rounded, packaged one per box, cost $1900, and require an internet connection.

And the funniest thing is is that everyone would want one. :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on May 12, 2013, 19:38:29
If Apple made pencils, they would be simple, white, rounded, packaged one per box, cost $1900, and require an internet connection.

And the funniest thing is is that everyone would want one. :doh:
What did one computer say to the other?
010101101010101010101
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on May 21, 2013, 21:52:49
Ie for you
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on May 30, 2013, 19:43:49
There has been an increase of crime taking place in multistory car parks.  A spokesman for the police said that, "it is wrong, on so many levels".
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on July 01, 2013, 05:17:29
Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: sydmichel on August 16, 2013, 12:28:37
Fracking for gas

It is rumored that the technique of "Fracking" can cause earth tremors. Yesterday the British government has confirmed that it is true.

Whilst Fracking was taking place deep below the streets of LIVERPOOL England, the Hydraulic fracturing caused a major rupture and tremors were felt up to 50 miles away.  It has now been confirmed that the resultant earthquake has caused up to 300 Billion Pounds worth of improvements.   
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on August 27, 2013, 05:21:44
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a juggler performing in a busy city street among a large crowd. The performer fears that the group won't be able to see him, so he stands and a wooden box and asks, "Can you four see me?"

They reply one by one:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on August 27, 2013, 09:25:16
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a juggler performing in a busy city street among a large crowd. The performer fears that the group won't be able to see him, so he stands and a wooden box and asks, "Can you four see me?"

They reply one by one:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

I think something got lost in the translation?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dannypenguin on August 27, 2013, 10:07:07
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a juggler performing in a busy city street among a large crowd. The performer fears that the group won't be able to see him, so he stands and a wooden box and asks, "Can you four see me?"

They reply one by one:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

I like that! :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: clanky on August 27, 2013, 14:10:21
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a juggler performing in a busy city street among a large crowd. The performer fears that the group won't be able to see him, so he stands and a wooden box and asks, "Can you four see me?"

They reply one by one:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

Very good :)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on August 28, 2013, 21:28:52
I think something got lost in the translation?
Your not the only one  :thumbs:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on September 08, 2013, 23:09:22
Why Microsoft brought Nokia  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 09, 2013, 01:02:12
Is that really Bill Gates? He looks so old.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: CaptainMike1 on September 18, 2013, 17:51:27
Is that really Bill Gates? He looks so old.

He is!
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dannypenguin on September 20, 2013, 20:34:28
 :D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: RupertSpicery on July 28, 2014, 07:41:34
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes manufactured by ecigfiend (http://www.ecigfiend.com/products/). "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"


Yes Lena is absolutely right..We don't need to follow our bad habit  in order to enjoy and relax..
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on July 28, 2014, 18:08:39
Doesn't that sound strange?
You know Cookies?
You know Bacon?
How come You have to COOK your Bacon and have to BAKE your Cookies?
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dannypenguin on August 14, 2014, 09:05:05

(Taken from another forum - this is not me but true!):

True story. I used to commute from Kingston on Thames, the service was not great at times. My favourite morning the following sequence of announcements were heard:
"Passengers awaiting the 8.05 to London Waterloo, this train is running approximately five minutes late."
"Passengers awaiting the 8.05 for London Waterloo, this train is running approximately ten minutes late."
"Passengers awaiting the 8.05 for London Waterloo, this train has just left Strawberry Hill."
"Passengers awaiting the 8.05 for London Waterloo, this train will not run, this is due to typical **** British Rail management incompetence."
"British rail would like me to apologise for the last announcement, but I'm not going to, because it's true."
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Captain Cadet on August 14, 2014, 10:46:14
Haha
The only ever time I missed the train was because it was on time  :doh: can arriva trains Wales get there act together?  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on February 06, 2015, 10:19:54
Read on gCaptain.. ;)

In a recent Ask Reddit subreddit, one user posed the question: “what is the laziest thing you’ve ever done?” Not surprisingly, some of the responses were pathetically lazy. But one user telling the story of his days sailing on a U.S. military ship by far takes the cake. Here’s his story:

    I was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he’s still half asleep, bleary eyed… basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-ass circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He’s squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today. It’s painful to watch.

    But then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge. In his well-known I’m-still-totally-asleep voice, he says “heeeey. It’s OPS. Could you… shift our barpat… yeah, one six five. Thanks.” And puts the phone down. And then he just sits there. Squinting. Waiting.

    And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie’s face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I’ve just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship’s back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he’s changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He’s literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel. I am in awe.

    He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I’m terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he’s not going to wake up for another hour). But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel.
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: GeoP17 on February 06, 2015, 12:52:08
The perfect example of "like a boss" 8)
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Dannypenguin on February 06, 2015, 14:06:27
That is just....I am still laughing  :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Aad The Pirate on May 25, 2015, 17:22:42
Haha
The only ever time I missed the train was because it was on time  :doh: can arriva trains Wales get there act together?  :doh:
Hi SeaLords and Ladys.
It's a given fact that trains, wherever on the world, don't run on Time.
They run on RAILS
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: saltydog on May 25, 2015, 17:56:56
Murphy's Law on travel by bus:

- you arrive early at the bus stop, the bus is late
- you arrive on time at the bus stop, the bus was early
- you arrive late at the bus stop, the bus was on time..   ;D
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Mr Robville on May 26, 2015, 07:41:15
Murphy's Law on travel by bus:

- you arrive early at the bus stop, the bus is late
- you arrive on time at the bus stop, the bus was early
- you arrive late at the bus stop, the bus was on time..   ;D

Every. Single. Time.

 :doh:
Title: Re: Joke of the day
Post by: Rbsanford on September 07, 2015, 07:03:45
I found this photo on Reddit a couple weeks ago:

(http://i.imgur.com/FKsllSc.jpg)

It looks like Half Life 3 will be Windows exclusive.  :doh: