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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 804480 times)

TJK

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1050 on: July 03, 2009, 17:40:57 »

theres no need to explain for me!(if thats your going after) :thumbs:
They only joke with you  :evil: :lol: :thumbs:
Here are one from me


There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.
The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack this clothes.
When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right,"she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.
He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.
Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

Well one more to go



A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
« Last Edit: July 03, 2009, 17:58:15 by TJK »
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1051 on: July 03, 2009, 18:12:36 »

:lol: good one...can you explain it for... :doh:

Lets Give the Guy a break shall we hes new, well sorta :thumbs:
Matt, check your Registration date. Cal has been here longer than you have.
Here are some jokes:
Three times I've been mistaken for Robert Redford. Each time by a blind person.

I contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.    
 ;D
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TJK

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1052 on: July 03, 2009, 18:26:07 »

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1053 on: July 03, 2009, 18:28:18 »

Great ones, guys  :2thumbs:
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1054 on: July 03, 2009, 18:29:24 »

ROFLOL.. :D
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1055 on: July 03, 2009, 18:37:01 »

lol love it TJK!  ;D
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capn_cal

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1056 on: July 03, 2009, 18:41:52 »

lol
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1057 on: July 03, 2009, 20:32:31 »

I was boiling some water to make some tea a few minutes ago, and when I pulled it off the stove, I had forgotten to put some more water in it and it was an empty tea pot! :lol:
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TJK

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1058 on: July 03, 2009, 21:17:31 »

Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."
« Last Edit: July 03, 2009, 21:29:41 by TJK »
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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1059 on: July 03, 2009, 23:26:08 »

I was boiling some water to make some tea a few minutes ago, and when I pulled it off the stove, I had forgotten to put some more water in it and it was an empty tea pot! :lol:
you were making tea?
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1060 on: July 04, 2009, 07:21:37 »

Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."


lol i gotta try that one day! ;D
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IRI5HJ4CK

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  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1061 on: July 04, 2009, 08:10:27 »

Here the last 2 from me today

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."


Hahaha :lol: I laughed at that one.

Here's mine:

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

Jack ;D
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1062 on: July 04, 2009, 09:41:18 »

THREE NUNS

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL..
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..  
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY  BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET  ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY  SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,  "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."  
    
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT  THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY  DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"
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TJK

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1063 on: July 04, 2009, 11:02:17 »

HAHA Good one Mike  :lol:

Here are mine for the day

You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.  





A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof - out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
« Last Edit: July 04, 2009, 11:12:11 by TJK »
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TJK

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1064 on: July 04, 2009, 14:16:00 »

watt a bout this then

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."

TJK
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1065 on: July 04, 2009, 16:27:46 »

A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled: "It's a miracle!"
"No", said the doctor, "That's professional courtesy!"
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1066 on: July 04, 2009, 16:28:43 »

TALKING AUSTRALIAN CLOCK

Proudly  showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment  to a couple of friends late  one  night  , A  drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where  there was a big brass  gong  hanging on the  wall.  

'What's  that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's  asked.  

'Issss  nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he  drunkenly replied.  

'A  talking Australian clock -  seriously?'  

'Yup.'  'Hmmm (hic).'  

'How's  it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at  it.  

'Just  watch' he said.  

He  picked up a hammer, gave the gong an  'ear-shattering bash' and stepped  back.  

His  three mates stood looking at one another for a  moment in astounded silence.  

Suddenly,  an Australian voice from the other side of the  wall screamed,  

'For  pity's sake, you stupid fellow. It's ten past  three in the morning  !!!'
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1067 on: July 04, 2009, 21:43:26 »

The captain was explaining to the visiting Boy Scout Troop the different animals that live in that particular Louisiana river basin. They were an inquisitive group, testing the captain's patience.
The topic came to alligators and the captain went into great detail hoping to forestall any stupid questions. Pleased with the result of his logical approach he finished with the alligator's mating habits. The captain explained: "The female alligator lays four million eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three hundred and ninety-five of those eggs. And that concludes our tour!."
"Sir", asked one of the scouts, "why does the female alligator lay so many eggs?"
Upset that his resent " No Question" period had ended the captain said as calmly as possible: "That's simply nature sonny."
"And sir" , the scout continued, "why does the male alligator eat all those eggs?"
The captain's answer came quickly: "Because, if he didn't, we'd all be up to our bellybuttons in alligators!"
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TJK

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1068 on: July 05, 2009, 22:24:41 »

A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."
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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1069 on: July 06, 2009, 00:02:47 »

TALKING AUSTRALIAN CLOCK

Proudly  showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment  to a couple of friends late  one  night  , A  drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where  there was a big brass  gong  hanging on the  wall.  

'What's  that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's  asked.  

'Issss  nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he  drunkenly replied.  

'A  talking Australian clock -  seriously?'  

'Yup.'  'Hmmm (hic).'  

'How's  it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at  it.  

'Just  watch' he said.  

He  picked up a hammer, gave the gong an  'ear-shattering bash' and stepped  back.  

His  three mates stood looking at one another for a  moment in astounded silence.  

Suddenly,  an Australian voice from the other side of the  wall screamed,  

'For  pity's sake, you stupid fellow. It's ten past  three in the morning  !!!'
i'd like to have one and lol
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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1071 on: July 06, 2009, 13:09:19 »

rofl
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1072 on: July 06, 2009, 16:43:36 »

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a

 

     Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt

 

     Out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring  up the sand

 

     Oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of

 

     Regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

 

     Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll

 

     on a faulty heart.

 

     One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to

 

     Investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead

 

     In The punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to

 

     Hoist  aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'

 

                 Said...........................................

 

                               OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1073 on: July 07, 2009, 18:59:18 »

Growing a Boat

A woman was complaining to a friend that her husband was always repainting their wood boat.
The friend asked: "How many times could he have painted the boat? Twice? Three times?"

The wife said: "A lot more than that! When we bought the boat it was a nineteen foot speed boat. It's now a twenty-one foot cruiser!"
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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1074 on: July 07, 2009, 19:06:21 »

lol :2thumbs:
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