Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839433 times)

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #850 on:** May 05, 2009, 17:50:24 »

As all tourists that come to the Keys know, Sharks can be a dangerous threat to swimmers, divers and snorkelers. A local Marathon dive master was overheard giving a pre-dive briefing on the boat just before the divers hit the water. "You know", he says - "Its very important that you're properly equipped as a diver before going down. -- and do you know what your most important protection is against Sharks? -- it's your Dive Knife. It's very important that you have a very sharp dive knife that is readily accessible in case you're confronted by a shark while in the water". One of the divers looked up, wide eye-ed and a little nervous and asked, "I heard that sharkskin is very tough - like sandpaper, and their teeth are razor sharp. How would I handle my dive knife to defend against such a formidable killer? The dive master paused, picked his dive knife up in his hand and, with a serious, contemplative look, lightly stroked the flat sides of the blade. "It's all in team work", he quietly responded. "You always dive close to your buddy, right? Well, -- when the shark gets close and looks like he's ready to attack, ..... you reach for your dive knife .... hold it out straight in front of you, then .......................then ............
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GRAB YOUR BUDDY - SLIT HIS THROAT - AND SWIM AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TerryRussell · « **Reply #851 on:** May 05, 2009, 19:02:23 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on May 04, 2009, 14:57:46

Ahoy Fred,
That one was to funny to keep it to myself. However, even if just one person thinks it was "over the line" you are right to take the proper action .
I fully understand and will take care about the jokes I'll keep placing.
Kind regards.
Aad

Thanks, Aad.

I also thought it was past the line we drew in the sand at "suitable for seven year olds". As Fred says, we do allow a considerable amount of leeway, but if we permit things to get too far past the line, it is difficult to censure someone else for something similar elsewhere on the forum.

Speaking of suitable for seven year olds:

I went to the doctors.

He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

So I got up on it and said "I'm the most handsome man in the world. My Mother-in-Law is the most understanding Spambot I've ever met. My Bank Manager is a great help in these hard tiimes".

Traddles · « **Reply #852 on:** May 05, 2009, 19:41:21 »

Lie = Tell porkies

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #853 on:** May 05, 2009, 21:05:08 »

Quote from: TerryRussell on May 05, 2009, 19:02:23

Thanks, Aad.

I also thought it was past the line we drew in the sand at "suitable for seven year olds". As Fred says, we do allow a considerable amount of leeway, but if we permit things to get too far past the line, it is difficult to censure someone else for something similar elsewhere on the forum.

Speaking of suitable for seven year olds:

I went to the doctors.

He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.

So I got up on it and said "I'm the most handsome man in the world. My Mother-in-Law is the most understanding Spambot I've ever met. My Bank Manager is a great help in these hard tiimes".

This must be particular brand of West Sussex humour for 7 year olds!

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #854 on:** May 05, 2009, 21:40:59 »

Hahaha I laughed out loud at that one Terry, especially the Mother In Law bit!

Jack.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #855 on:** May 05, 2009, 21:43:35 »

I hope this one is suitable. I'm sure it is, even unborn childs will like it (or not).

Kapn Jonah · « **Reply #856 on:** May 05, 2009, 23:10:33 »

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
LOL!

TerryRussell · « **Reply #857 on:** May 06, 2009, 11:04:04 »

An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van, covered with
hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

A man went to the Doctor. He said 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck in my ear'.

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #858 on:** May 07, 2009, 21:26:01 »

No comment

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #859 on:** May 08, 2009, 16:05:08 »

R E V E N G E of the Bird

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #860 on:** May 08, 2009, 18:28:23 »

Poor dog? How would you feel if a stranger would pee through your homes door?

Minime · « **Reply #861 on:** May 08, 2009, 18:32:12 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on May 08, 2009, 18:28:23

Poor dog? How would you feel if a stranger would pee through your homes door?

I know I wouldn't do what that bird did.

TerryRussell · « **Reply #862 on:** May 09, 2009, 23:06:47 »

Some boat related fun (although perhaps not so much fun for the people shown here)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CC4plAJvuE&feature=rec-HM-r2

Man eating fish?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhylDDyUxJk&feature=related

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #863 on:** May 10, 2009, 15:40:43 »

After one particularly difficult passage, a famous cruising couple find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where their lines are taken by St. Peter himself.
"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says. "so I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or hell. First let me describe them for you.
On the one hand, you could spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower something you could only dream of."
"And what about hell?" the couple asked.

Capt. Matt · « **Reply #864 on:** May 10, 2009, 16:45:47 »

Hey there are only so many jokes out there do you expect us to read all 900+ posts to see if its there?

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #865 on:** May 10, 2009, 18:02:07 »

Not necessary to read them all, but the SEARCH function does it for you. (I just searchrd for fill with water)

Her's the simulair one http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg159903.html#msg159903

Regards
Aad

Capt. Matt · « **Reply #866 on:** May 10, 2009, 18:06:20 »

RRR of coures Captain Mike had one like it

Its all good

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #867 on:** May 10, 2009, 19:00:22 »

Okay, and back on topic we are:

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on the windward rail?

A: Time to ask yourself why you have such a hard time getting crew.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #868 on:** May 11, 2009, 21:42:00 »

An old man and a young man fished together on a regular basis.
One day the old man had a jar of peanuts by his side. The young man loves peanuts but the old man did not offer him any.
After a time and while the old man was looking the other way, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts.
Eventually the young man, feeling guilty, confesses to taking the peanuts.
"That's OK," the old man replies after a moment. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the Peanut M&Ms."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #869 on:** May 12, 2009, 23:15:17 »

A Spambot was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night ! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $10,000 down, and payments of $1000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course.

"My goodness!" the Spambot exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a yacht!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #870 on:** May 13, 2009, 23:02:19 »

Forgive me for I know not what I do!!

John and Paul went fishing together for the first time. Paul immediately pulled in a nice 3lb Bass. John was shocked and surprised when Paul grabbed the fish and began to slap him silly with it.

Suddenly Paul broke off the attack and began apologizing profusely. "It's a compulsion I have and I have no control over my actions; I'm so embarrassed", exclaimed Paul.

"Well, you're going to have to get some help and see a psychiatrist", said John, "before I will ever go fishing with you again!"

Six Months later Paul called John and they arranged to go fishing again. Once again Paul quickly caught a small Bass. Grabbing it he once again attacked John slapping him silly with the fish. This time Paul did not stop the attack to apologize. John had to restrain him almost capsizing the boat.

"I thought you were going the see a shrink and get this fixed", yelled John as he held Paul down.

"I did", said Paul, squirming.

"Well it didn't help", roared John!

"Oh yes it did", said Paul. "I still have the compulsion, but I have now learned to accept it!"

Capt. Matt · « **Reply #871 on:** May 14, 2009, 01:03:52 »

YUK YUK YUK Im all out

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #872 on:** May 14, 2009, 15:55:28 »

Oh Dear!!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #873 on:** May 16, 2009, 17:46:03 »

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had all entered a singlehanded race but failed to make it to the starting line.
The brunette lost her mast overboard during a grueling qualifying passage and couldn't get it repaired in time.

The redhead decided the flexing of the hull around the keelbolts she discovered at the last moment might lead to structural failure when she was far at sea and beyond the range of easy rescue.

The blonde couldn't find a crew.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #874 on:** May 17, 2009, 21:13:28 »

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.
A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.
The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839433 times)

TerryRussell

TerryRussell

TerryRussell