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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 806339 times)

firestar12

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #325 on: January 03, 2009, 22:42:43 »

I think you have missed the point Firestar
No I didn't, I just wondered. Why do you always say that kind of stuff?
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #326 on: January 04, 2009, 01:04:42 »

Here's a kind of a riddle: "Who is this?"
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ash

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #327 on: January 04, 2009, 01:06:11 »

albert einstein
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #328 on: January 04, 2009, 01:10:45 »

albert einstein
You are right, but now comes the surprise. Try to look at the pic from about 16.4 feet (5 meters) and tell me who do you see now?
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Nathan|C

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #329 on: January 04, 2009, 01:12:25 »

looks like Maralyn Monroe!
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #330 on: January 04, 2009, 01:14:29 »

And You are also right, Nathan.
Amazing, isn't it?
Congrats to both of You. Your price is a foot trip to Rome.
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Nathan|C

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #331 on: January 04, 2009, 01:14:56 »

Triffic  ::)

 ;D
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Kona1988

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  • Posts: 252
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #332 on: January 04, 2009, 01:15:50 »

Hahaha, I love things like that.
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #333 on: January 04, 2009, 01:19:02 »

Well, to close the night: before that thing happens to me tomorrow morning.........
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firestar12

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #334 on: January 04, 2009, 02:04:24 »

Here's a kind of a riddle: "Who is this?"
That is amazing. I like her better 16 Feet away though "Im gonna have to arrest you for being to pretty :police:"
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #335 on: January 05, 2009, 19:01:30 »

       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad
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Nathan|C

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #336 on: January 05, 2009, 19:04:20 »

       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad

 ;D Nice one Aad
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RMSGreatBritain

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #337 on: January 05, 2009, 21:39:49 »

       Ahoy Mates,
       If You really don't know what to eat today, well, maybe in the following lines there are a few         
       suggestions for your wife/girlfriend etc.

       BLONDE COOKBOOK!
       
       MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
       separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
       
       TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
       dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
       
       WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
       seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
       
       THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
       on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
       
       FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
       There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
       when I left.
       
       SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
       Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
       
       SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
       Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
       roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
       
       GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
       can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
       him with chocolate moose. 

       Enjoy your meal.
       Regards
       Aad

Mwaahaahaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! ;D ;D very funny! :D
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #338 on: January 06, 2009, 22:05:37 »

George's Japanese neighbour, Seko Chubachi, was involved in a traffic accident and is now hospitalized. Beeing a good neighbour, George is going to pay him a visit.
Mr. Chubachi looks like a mummy, complete wrapped in bandages and all kinds of tubes and hoses sticking out of his body. He is unable to move and only his eyes are uncovered. He seems to be asleep.
George stands a while beside the bed when suddenly the mr. Chubachi opens his eyes  en shouts out:
"Sakaro Aota Nakamy Anyoba, Sasha Mashuta!!!"
Then he closes his eyes and dies.
Those last words keep spinning around in Georges head.
At the funeral George is present to pay his respect to the wife and daughter of his neighbour.
After the ceromonies he askes mrs. Chubachi what those words Sakaro Aota Nakamy Anyoba, Sasha Mashuta ment.
The widow collapses unconscious and the daughter face fades white like a bedsheet.
George keeps asking: Come on, tell me, what does those last words mean?
Then the daughter replies:
You're standing on my oxygen tube, Jackass!!!
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #339 on: January 07, 2009, 10:33:54 »

Voted Australia's best joke 2008

>>>>A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian  coast.
>>> He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible  night
>>> wondering what could have happened to her.
>>> Next morning  there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
>>> couple of  policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
>>> The Sarge says,  'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
>>> really bad news, but,  some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
>>> 'Well,' says the  bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
>>> The Sarge says,  'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
>>> Bill here found  her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
>>> the
>>> reef. He got  a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
>>> The bloke is  naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
>>> of a turn.  But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
>>> what the good  news is.
>>> The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were  quite a few
>>> really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to  her, so
>>> we've brought you your share.'
>>> He hands the bloke a sugar bag  with a couple of nice crays and four or
>>> five crabs in it.
>>> 'Geez thanks.  They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
>>> that... So  what's the other possible good news?
>>> 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you  fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
>>> here get off duty at around 11  o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
>>> and pull her up  again!
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RMSGreatBritain

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #340 on: January 07, 2009, 18:49:07 »

Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D Very good!
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Mr Robville

  • Administrator
  • Posts: 2931
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #341 on: January 07, 2009, 20:03:34 »

like i always say... better a hole in your pants then a pants in your hole...
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Wenier

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 8
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #342 on: January 08, 2009, 09:15:14 »

These are actually events and replies from US Airforce Technical logs.

Pilot: "#1 Main Wheel almost worn to limits"
Mechanic: "Tyre almost replaced"

Pilot: "Autopilot not operating"
Mechanic: "Autopilot does not operate in OFF position"

Pilot: "#2 Engine missing"
Mechanic: "Engine Found"

Pilot: "Autoland function very rough on landing"
Mechanic: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft!"

There are many more just hard to remember them.
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #343 on: January 08, 2009, 17:28:39 »

---TWO NUNS



There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down


And for those of you who thought it would be naughty,

I'll pray for you!  
 
 
 
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RMSGreatBritain

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  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #344 on: January 08, 2009, 18:50:04 »

Great Jokes Aad and Mike! :D
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TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #345 on: January 08, 2009, 20:22:46 »

I laughed at your jokes, Mike and Aad!

One thing, could I ask you and all joke posters to moderate some of the language, we've crossed that line again, a bit.

Nothing serious but you know how these things drift.

"suitable for seven year olds" - Thanks.
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #346 on: January 09, 2009, 00:04:50 »

The BBC is surely suitable for 7 year olds?
NO, and that's no joke :police:
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TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #347 on: January 09, 2009, 00:18:34 »

Have you seen some of the filth the BBC puts out?

Ross, Brand...
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Mad_Fred

  • Administrator
  • Posts: 8689
  • ✝ In Memoriam
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #348 on: January 09, 2009, 13:17:12 »

Going through those Bushisms I see no bad words.. but I do see a lot of bad language though.   :)

Not something our 7 year olds will benefit from. That could drag their level right down, to be honest..

 :P

Fred
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CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #349 on: January 10, 2009, 17:34:15 »

A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.


His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."

 His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went!"
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