Topic: Joke of the day (Read 840260 times)

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #700 on:** March 15, 2009, 23:39:04 »

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #701 on:** March 16, 2009, 17:25:35 »

"Twenty-four! Twenty-four! Twenty-four!"

In da middle of downtown Kalihi next to a manhole is dis guy yellin, "Twenty-four! Twenty four! Twenty four!" den dis curious portagee ask da guy whats he yellin fo. Da guy openz da manhole cover and respondz, "Jump in and check it out!" da portagee climbs into da sewer throo da manhole to check um out. Da guy on da street closes da manhole and stahts shoutin, "Twenty-five! Twenty-five! Twenty-five!"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #702 on:** March 16, 2009, 19:13:33 »

He is back in town.
Lent out to the Museum of fine arts in New York, NY the famous statue of Michaelangelo's 'David' is back in Rome, Italy

Minime · « **Reply #703 on:** March 16, 2009, 19:44:56 »

lol, good sponsors

Gloat · « **Reply #704 on:** March 17, 2009, 19:13:03 »

Kindly refrain from playing Solitaire during working hours at the airport! Thanks!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #705 on:** March 17, 2009, 20:32:02 »

Ladys,
If you need someone who hands over the newspaper without ripping out the sportsection first:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who goes crazy with luck everytime he sees you:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who eats everything you serve to him without hearing 'My mum did it better':
Get a dog.
If you want someone who goes out with you no matter how long or how late:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who keeps away from the remote, doesn't care about soccer and watches every soap with you:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who doesn't whine when you come home late and/or drunk:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who has no problem if you got a headache (again):
Get a dog.
If you want someone for whom its enough to sneak beside you, warms your feet and doesn't protest when shoved aside because of his snoring:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who doesn't critisize you and doesn't mind beauty:
Get a dog.
If you want someone who listens to everything you tell him and will love you forever:
Get a dog.
However. If you want someone who comes never home when you call, ignores you when you come home, walks all over you, keeps out all night and comes only home to eat and to sleep and who thinks that the only reason for you being around is to make him happy:
Take a CAT.

And you thought I would say take a man? Shame on you.

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #706 on:** March 18, 2009, 08:56:16 »

Hahaha Thats a good one Aad

The Englishman, The Irishman, The Scotsman, and The Welshman (making a guest appearance in this joke

) were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save The others.
'I do this for The glory of Scotland,' said The Scotsman and he jumped out.
'We need to lose more weight,' said The captain, so The Welshman shouted ,'I do this for The glory of Wales', and jumped out.
'Sorry,' said The captain, 'I'm afraid we need to lose The weight of just one more person.'
'I do this for The glory of Ireland,' said The Irishman and threw out the Englishman.

Jack ROFL

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #707 on:** March 18, 2009, 13:05:54 »

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

'SUPPLIES!!'

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #708 on:** March 18, 2009, 20:40:33 »

This announcement: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,13396.msg163740.html#msg163740

did me think about that one (see attachement)

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #709 on:** March 18, 2009, 20:50:27 »

Tendjewberrymud
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

saltydog · « **Reply #710 on:** March 18, 2009, 22:02:32 »

Sounds like the guest could use an Asian-English course..

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #711 on:** March 19, 2009, 23:28:48 »

I think this old geaser has a deathwish too.

Captain Best · « **Reply #712 on:** March 21, 2009, 11:44:27 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on March 19, 2009, 23:28:48

I think this old geaser has a deathwish too.

HAHA. this is a realy good one Aad

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #713 on:** March 21, 2009, 12:53:09 »

Chinese Rabbi

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

firestar12 · « **Reply #714 on:** March 21, 2009, 14:23:54 »

Haha...nice one mike.
Heres a funny one.

RMSGreatBritain · « **Reply #715 on:** March 21, 2009, 19:09:08 »

there were 2 english flat mates, one a Spambot and the other from the North.

the Spambot needed to get her car fixed, so she asked the northerner

'Can you help fix my car'
'Why would I know how to do that?' he replied
'Well your'e a northerner thats your sort of thing' the Spambot said
'You know some people are very offended by the stereotypes that you imply on the north' he said
'Ok then, go and nick a car for me!'

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #716 on:** March 21, 2009, 20:58:30 »

Quote from: Firestar on March 21, 2009, 14:23:54

Haha...nice one mike.
Heres a funny one.

My word! Hasn't TerryRussell got big teeth.

EDITED BY: ME

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #717 on:** March 21, 2009, 21:56:13 »

Just woke up:..........................

TerryRussell · « **Reply #718 on:** March 22, 2009, 11:47:19 »

That is surprisingly life-like for a cartoon!

sadsid (â€ 2016) · « **Reply #719 on:** March 22, 2009, 11:52:29 »

Quote from: TerryRussell on March 22, 2009, 11:47:19

That is surprisingly life-like for a cartoon!

Hurry up terry having a sale on marmite crisps in asda that will help
wake up

Eric

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #720 on:** March 22, 2009, 13:14:20 »

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did the conversation end there I wonder....

Now thats funny, made my day that!

Jack.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #721 on:** March 22, 2009, 18:35:25 »

LSHMHSS

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #722 on:** March 22, 2009, 19:56:40 »

Post deleted at the suggestion of the UN

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #723 on:** March 22, 2009, 19:58:59 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on March 22, 2009, 12:34:05

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

It used to be the USS Enterprise and a Canadian lighthouse...

Agent|Austin · « **Reply #724 on:** March 22, 2009, 20:08:49 »

Quote from: Stuart2007 on March 22, 2009, 19:58:59

It used to be the USS Enterprise and a Canadian lighthouse...

Thats what I thought.

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 840260 times)

firestar12

TerryRussell