Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839728 times)

bsm2003 · « **Reply #1225 on:** August 24, 2009, 20:09:59 »

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."*

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1226 on:** August 24, 2009, 20:35:16 »

ROFLOL

Crab Legs Anyone ??

An experiment took place on a student science research boat. A young student was studying a crab.
In order to understand better the crab's motor capabilities, he tore off two walking legs and placed a piece of tasty bait in front of the crab. The crab crawled to the bait and devoured it. He then tore off two more legs and again placed some bait on front of the crab. Once again the crab crawled to the bait and ate it.

Finally the student removed the last two walking legs and again placed the bait. The crab, this time, never moved.

The student, very excited, reported his initial findings to his instructor.

"If all of a crustacean's legs are removed it either loses it's eye site or appetite; more information to come!"

Wave Music · « **Reply #1227 on:** August 24, 2009, 20:37:27 »

LOL! Good one!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1228 on:** August 24, 2009, 22:54:44 »

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any Spambot?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1229 on:** August 24, 2009, 22:55:34 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:54:44

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any Spambot?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

That has to be the best witness/attorney joke yet

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1230 on:** August 24, 2009, 22:56:43 »

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1231 on:** August 24, 2009, 22:57:48 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 22:56:43

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

I may stand corrected

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1232 on:** August 24, 2009, 22:58:57 »

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1233 on:** August 24, 2009, 23:41:54 »

Quote from: The Ferry Man on August 24, 2009, 22:55:34

That has to be the best witness/attorney joke yet

I take it this is the ONLY witness/attorney joke then?

ABCRic · « **Reply #1234 on:** August 25, 2009, 12:36:53 »

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.

After the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. And, she said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!"

______________________________________

A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"

______________________________________

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1235 on:** August 25, 2009, 17:32:59 »

Quote from: Stuart2007 on August 24, 2009, 23:41:54

I take it this is the ONLY witness/attorney joke then?

Sorry few more yet!!

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1236 on:** August 25, 2009, 17:58:23 »

Big Bad John

Paula and John were walking along the shore, their souls intertwined in great love.
John gazed out to sea and said poetically: "Blue Ocean, roll out...roll out to the setting sun!"

Paula clasped her hands together. "Oh John," she shrieked, "it's doing it!!"

ABCRic · « **Reply #1237 on:** August 26, 2009, 13:40:32 »

Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

A: Anyone can roast beef.

__________________________________

In a city park stood two statues, one Spambot and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the Spambot and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the Spambot statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1238 on:** August 26, 2009, 13:48:07 »

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a Spambot?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1239 on:** August 26, 2009, 16:41:09 »

Boater's Blessing Then.... & Then This !!

A Boater's Blessing from Yesteryears:

May there always be water under your boat,
May she always be seaworthy, ever afloat,
May the bilge pump be certain to work night and day,
May the compass and charts always show the safe way,
May you find gentle harbor as every day ends,
May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends.

A Boater's Blessing from Today:

May your out drive be saved after hitting that rock,
May your bow be rebuilt after ramming that dock,
May you find that new Rolex that fell overboard,
May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord,
May FeBreeze mask that musty smell under your berth,
May you someday owe less than the darn boat is worth.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1240 on:** August 26, 2009, 16:44:58 »

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1241 on:** August 26, 2009, 18:06:05 »

The Beach is Now Open

A man who had never been to the ocean before finally went to the beach for the experience.
Afraid to go into the water, he asked the lifeguard if he could bring him a bucket of sea water so that he could wet himself a little.
Over a period of two hours, the lifeguard brought him over two dozen buckets of sea water.
Grateful, the man gave the lifeguard a ten dollar tip.

Returning the next day for more sun, the man happened to arrive at low tide.
Looking around he said to the lifeguard: "You've been doing a lot of business!"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1242 on:** August 26, 2009, 23:07:19 »

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Wave Music · « **Reply #1243 on:** August 26, 2009, 23:26:23 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on August 26, 2009, 23:07:19

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings.

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on August 24, 2009, 10:06:13

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1244 on:** August 26, 2009, 23:40:47 »

And the Winner is ...

A man orders a lobster in a restaurant. The waiter returns with his order, but the crustacean has a broken claw.
The man asked what happened. The waiter said: "It must have been in a fight."
"Good," said the man, "now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner!"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1245 on:** August 27, 2009, 09:37:39 »

Quote from: Wave Music on August 26, 2009, 23:26:23

A good joke is still funny even after several repeatings.

Glad you enjoyted that, here is a new one:-

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1246 on:** August 27, 2009, 16:18:57 »

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

saltydog · « **Reply #1247 on:** August 27, 2009, 16:38:14 »

The Belgians are getting tired of waiting for the Dutch to keep their promise and dredge the Westerschelde, the gateway to Antwerp..
So today they published this game, to show how hard it is..

(use the space-bar)

http://www.vandaag.be/scheldeverdieping/

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1248 on:** August 27, 2009, 17:29:02 »

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

capn_cal · « **Reply #1249 on:** August 27, 2009, 21:29:24 »

Quote from: saltydog on August 27, 2009, 16:38:14

The Belgians are getting tired of waiting for the Dutch to keep their promise and dredge the Westerschelde, the gateway to Antwerp..
So today they published this game, to show how hard it is.. (use the space-bar)

http://www.vandaag.be/scheldeverdieping/

is the game suppose to mean it's hard or impossible?

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839728 times)