Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839410 times)

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #750 on:** March 29, 2009, 17:03:54 »

Another one for Sunday:

The customs of an Irishman
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #751 on:** March 29, 2009, 19:48:06 »

That's a great one, Mike.
When you let your (analog) photo's processed in a so called "Instant Photoshop" watch out where you go.

capn_cal · « **Reply #752 on:** March 29, 2009, 21:35:11 »

there was a married couple but there dead and both skeletons but still living in a house and the husband is in the bathroom with the door shut and the wife is out side the door and told his skeleton husband "i told you frank that chili burito with extra beans will go right through you"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #753 on:** March 29, 2009, 22:42:34 »

Three vampires go to a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #754 on:** March 30, 2009, 11:33:28 »

Who Needs A Mid-Life Crisis

After being married for 37 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 37 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, we slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with an awsome, 21-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a giant plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58-year-old Spambot. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable Spambot. She told me to go out and find an awsome, 21-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older Spambot great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #755 on:** March 30, 2009, 12:31:40 »

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a Spambot.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances..

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home..'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the Spambot's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Spambot, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the damn chair.'

MORAL:

Spambot are crazy. Don't mess with them

RJS87 · « **Reply #756 on:** March 30, 2009, 17:38:10 »

Really like that one captainmike

haha

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #757 on:** March 30, 2009, 17:58:25 »

Another one:

I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #758 on:** March 31, 2009, 16:29:30 »

Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #759 on:** April 01, 2009, 16:21:13 »

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

RMSGreatBritain · « **Reply #760 on:** April 01, 2009, 16:31:55 »

ha ha ha Mike a hat trick of great ones there!

ROTFLMAO!

Love the blonde on a plane one especially!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #761 on:** April 01, 2009, 18:48:51 »

Have your bath, mum said. Well, this kid did it the fast way.

capn_cal · « **Reply #762 on:** April 03, 2009, 12:46:50 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on April 01, 2009, 18:48:51

Have your bath, mum said. Well, this kid did it the fast way.

hey calvin and hobbes! great!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #763 on:** April 03, 2009, 13:26:41 »

You can't bring that dog in this bar
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #764 on:** April 03, 2009, 16:10:32 »

Whenever he needs to go he has not to worry about the paper.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #765 on:** April 03, 2009, 16:40:50 »

This is an unpublished agreement made at the G20 Conference:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

sadsid (â€ 2016) · « **Reply #766 on:** April 03, 2009, 17:58:19 »

thiz 1 made me laf a lot

goodun

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #767 on:** April 06, 2009, 16:40:30 »

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot confirmed that they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #768 on:** April 06, 2009, 17:31:58 »

Two strange signs

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #769 on:** April 06, 2009, 17:40:40 »

This is great if you can run faster than lava!!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #770 on:** April 06, 2009, 17:41:58 »

Or this, if you can swim faster than a Tsunami!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #771 on:** April 06, 2009, 18:57:37 »

Spring is in the Air, an end is coming hatching the eggs, and then..........

firestar12 · « **Reply #772 on:** April 07, 2009, 20:51:45 »

Nice one Aad.

Kapn Jonah · « **Reply #773 on:** April 07, 2009, 22:25:32 »

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #774 on:** April 09, 2009, 18:42:21 »

Everything I need to know, I learned from the Easter Bunny...

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply.....like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.
The grass is greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can cover the wildest hare.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Happy Easter

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839410 times)

firestar12