Joke of the day

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[CaptainMike1]

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles..

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed... Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window...

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this  is true.!!)



1.. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ....

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card..

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[Aad The Pirate]

Isn't that discriminating the female population? 
Didn't you know that a gentleman behind a cars steering wheel is most of the time a woman?
Nevertheless:
Great Joke  (Only if it is ment to be funny  )

[The Ferry Man]

Capsizing Islands!

 

[Aad The Pirate]

Capsizing Islands!

 

I think that this guy(s) are not aware about the nonsense they are speaking. Hip Hip USA 

[CaptainMike1]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell heaven are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.


Modified to keep AAD happy who sent me what I think must be a joke as a PM:

"Ahoy CaptainMike1,
Please mind your language. Phrase like "Where the Hell" are not acceptable according to the "7 year old youngsters"
I can't imagine that you would be happy if one of your (grand)kids would ask you: "where the hell is my skateboard?"

[Aad The Pirate]

Growing Old

Three Senior Citizens running into each others way after quite a long time.
Asking and telling to each other what they are doing nowadays the first guy said: "I do a lot of travelling and take as many pictures from nice places as I can. Nice things those digital camera's."

The second replied: "I'm now a proud owner of an orchard and have pleasure in growing my own fruit and can help out other, not so lucky people with some fresh fruit every day. As you geezers all know: an apple a day keeps the docter away."

The third guy finally offers he two bits by telling that he is doing a lot of search work!
The other two guys, quite impressed, overwhelming him with questions about what and where he was searching.
With a smile from ear to ear he answers: "Well, every day I'm searching for my glasses, my dentals, my cane, my cellphone, my keys, my carpapers and so on, and so on." 

[CaptainMike1]

Here's a nice religious one:

Elderly couple in church..Wife turns to husband and says "I'v just done a silent fart..What should I do? Husband looks at her and says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

[saltydog]

Here's another..

A little girl wants to go

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

[Rbsanford]

yes!

so a minnesota viking football player and a green bay packer player die and go to heaven.

god says, "up here, everyone gets their own house."

so he shows the packer his house first: it was a basic log cabin with three rooms, some small windows, and a faded packers flag on the front porch. beside it is an enormous white mansion towering 10 stories high. it has massive pillars and a huge glass dome on the roof with a minnesota flag on top. between the pillars are viking banners.

so the packer says, "hey god, how come i have this little run-down cabin and the viking has this huge mansion?"

and god says, "oh thats not his house, thats mine."

[vin_sun]

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but
you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven.
Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks,
"Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and
symbols, his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both
managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[Aad The Pirate]

Conspiracy against the Senior Citizens

Did you too realize that the stairs get steeper and the distances getting longer every day?
Just yeasterday It surprised me how long my street was gone, just overnight.
The gravity also did increase over the last thirty years or so. I notice it especial when I rise up out of my lazy chair.
People don't care anymore for each other, special the Youngsters. They always are whispering. And if you ask them to speak up a bit, they only repeating their words by moving their lips. What do they think? That I'm a lipreader??
They also look a lot younger then I was at their age. On the other side: People of my age looking a lot older than I look!
They other day I saw a neighbor who was so dilapidated that he even didn't recognize me.
And everybody drives so hasty nowadays! On the freeway I always are risking my life. Everybody behind me have to make an emergenzy stop, opr bump right in the back of my car. In the rearview mirror I spot them shouting and making strange gestures.
Boy oh Boy, how fast will their brakes wear out.
Also the manufacturers of clothes are messing around. Why is Jeans size 34 0r 36 in standard size suddenly changed to 56 or 58?! What do they think? That we are so dumb not to notice?
I tried to reach the complaint department by phone, but even the printers of the phone-book are in on that conspiracy! They are printing the numbers in a so tiny printsize that almost nobody is able to read them correct
All I can do is to tell you people about that: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
It has the very most priority that something is done about it before we all are victims from this outregous situation.
Let's take care that this conspiracy, and believe me, that's what it is, will be stopped!   

[Stuart2007]

yes!

so a minnesota viking football player and a green bay packer player die and go to heaven.

god says, "up here, everyone gets their own house."

so he shows the packer his house first: it was a basic log cabin with three rooms, some small windows, and a faded packers flag on the front porch. beside it is an enormous white mansion towering 10 stories high. it has massive pillars and a huge glass dome on the roof with a minnesota flag on top. between the pillars are viking banners.

so the packer says, "hey god, how come i have this little run-down cabin and the viking has this huge mansion?"

and god says, "oh thats not his house, thats mine."

DOn't get it....

[Bullets]

yes!

so a minnesota viking football player and a green bay packer player die and go to heaven.

god says, "up here, everyone gets their own house."

so he shows the packer his house first: it was a basic log cabin with three rooms, some small windows, and a faded packers flag on the front porch. beside it is an enormous white mansion towering 10 stories high. it has massive pillars and a huge glass dome on the roof with a minnesota flag on top. between the pillars are viking banners.

so the packer says, "hey god, how come i have this little run-down cabin and the viking has this huge mansion?"

and god says, "oh thats not his house, thats mine."

**** *** ****, this joke make no sence  



Edited for language -  Fred.  (please mind your language, even if you censor yourself, it's still not acceptable.)

[Stuart2007]

What The F*$%, this joke make no sence 

Ah, so it's not just me being thick then

[The Ferry Man]

The Joke is God is a Viking fan...

[Aad The Pirate]

What The F*$%, this joke make no sence 

Gentlemen, please mind your language. Swearing and using rude words, even if you censured them, is against the rules of this forum in general and this topic in special. Please read those rules (page 1 of this topic) prior to post a message.
Thanks for understanding 

[Stuart2007]

Oh for heaven sake Aad, calm down.


TFM: I get it now. Very, very funny. I can't stop laughing. How on earth did I not find it funny to start with.

[larsdehaan]

Oh for heaven sake Aad, calm down.


TFM: I get it now. Very, very funny. I can't stop laughing. How on earth did I not find it funny to start with.

sorry but why does Aad need to calm down? thats not an angry post he is telling someone that its not allowed to swear

[Stuart2007]

Aad is always posting "don't write this, don't write that, topic locked" type comments.

Oh never mind- like most people I shall just avoid this thread like the plague. Very rarely is anything funny anyway.

[Mad_Fred]

And he is quite right since that kinda language is not necesary, nor acceptable. 

[Wave Music]

Fred, maybe we should use this topic in a read-only mode since it's only Aad who knows here what to post & how to post?

[Stuart2007]

Fred, maybe we should use this topic in a read-only mode since it's only Aad who knows here what to post & how to post?

Yep, I'm with him on that one.

[Mad_Fred]

Don't be a smartbum about it gents, or I will put your accounts to read-only for a while, you both know well enough that the F word is not allowed here, no matter if it's self-censored or not.

Participate in this topic as it is intended, or don't post in it at all.. it's not rocket surgery you know..  

Aad's rules are the same as the main forum rules, so everyone SHOULD know how to post in it, ignorance of the rules is no excuse.

[Wave Music]

Fred, agreed about the swearing, but what about mine jokes?  I try to avoid swearing, sex stuff, profanity, racism and all that.  Yet, some were not comfortable enough having Bieber or Rebecca Black harmless jokes on here.  Yes, harmless & specially suited for the forum rules, comparing to what you can see on Youtube.  

[Traddles]

Fred, agreed about the swearing, but what about mine jokes?  I try to avoid swearing, sex stuff, profanity, racism and all that.  Yet, some were not comfortable enough having Bieber or Rebecca Black harmless jokes on here.  Yes, harmless & specially suited for the forum rules, comparing to what you can see on Youtube.  

The main problem is that they were not funny. Who on earth is Rebecca Black or Bieber for that matter.