Joke of the day

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[TerryRussell]

News just in:

Microsoft today unveiled the holographic imaging capabilities of Windows 7, with alarming results.

During a demonstration of the holographic projection system, the animated paperclip from Office 2000 leapt to life and attacked everyone in the room while screaming "I didn't ask for this job! It makes me seems such a jerk!". Two hundred people were injured.

In the meanhwile ten of the Windows 7 development team suffered heart attacks upon learning that someone has actually managed to install Office 2000 on a Windows 7 platform.

[Aad The Pirate]

Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
That one is, in just one word, AMAZING.
http://users.telenet.be/kixx/
click the link and please, DON'T maximize the screensize by clicking.
You'll see why. Have fun
Regards
Aad

[CaptainMike1]

Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
That one is, in just one word, AMAZING.
http://users.telenet.be/kixx/
click the link and please, DON'T maximize the screensize by clicking.
You'll see why. Have fun
Regards
Aad

Ahoy AAD

Great one that!!!!


Rgds

Mike

[RMSGreatBritain]

   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         
 
 

He he, I like that

[Captain Best]

Hehe.
Very funny video
OMG

[Agent|Austin]

If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia
Note: This is not typical behavior of all Southern people - do not interpret as such.
1.   Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2.   Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3.   Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4.   Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5.   Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6.   The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7.   Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8.   Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9.   PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10.   Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11.   Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12.   Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver.
13.   "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14.   Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15.   Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16.   "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17.   One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18.   "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."
19.   Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road just yonder".
20.   Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"

[Kapn Jonah]

A|A. Y must u always post like u r a moderator? i dont know how old u r, but u really need to loosen up. this topic is about JOKES!
 

[TerryRussell]

What are you on about?

That is clearly funny.

Austin, I laughed out loud with that one!

[Agent|Austin]

Thanks terry. My mom found that one. She had a good laugh at your pilot/microsoft support joke. Even took it to a meeting on campus!

[TerryRussell]

This one isn't really a joke, but it came from the "Darwin Awards" (a site that lists ways in which stupid people have stopped themselves from breeding, thereby improving humanity a little)

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached.

It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.

They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

As far as I can find out, this was a genuine report.

[Chrystine]

 
   â€œIf Microsoft were located in Georgia -

     * Still laughing ..! *

       &nd * wiping eyes *
  Thet’s jis funny rot’thar – I don’t care warr you’re frum – thet’s a funny joke rot’thar..!
  Git ‘er done!
 
 
   P.S.  &nd Microsoft Winders Auto-Updater would automatically direct your Winders ‘Splorer to MapQuest with the nearest Wal-Mart marked out with a red X.
 

[Agent|Austin]

HAHA

Microsoft Announces New, Configurable Blue Screen of Death!
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"

A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent
departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that GNU/Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."

[TerryRussell]

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* A prison guard is shaving your head.

[Agent|Austin]

Microsoft Keyboard revealed!
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:

    1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
    2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
    3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
    4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
    5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
    6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
    7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.


Baby Gates
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26, at 6:11 pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone can produce one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.


Air conditioning
Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows.

[Chrystine]

 
   â€œYOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......”
 
 * You ask if he’s passed the bar, he hiccups and slurs – “..nah’f I kin help it – ‘n nah’f … nah’f you pay me uh’front…”
 

[Agent|Austin]

August 24th: Day of Ruin

    * MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD
    * Fall of Rome, 410 AD
    * British Burn D.C., 1812
    * Windows 95 Released, 1995


"I'd say the probability of Windows containing a backdoor is about
the same a spreadsheet containing a flight simulator." -- Phil Hunt


Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.


- Brussels police department, how may I assist you?
- Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
- Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
- No
- Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?
- Bill Gates
- Country?
- The USA
- Native language?
- English.
- Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?
- Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
- We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
- Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie.
- Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
- Yes
- Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
- No
- Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
- Yes
- Any pies then?
- No
- Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait.
- Just a minute.." (several minutes pass) "Okay, I'm back.
- Did you get hit by another pie?
- Of course not
- Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department.

(Support Desk)


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1.They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is not a virus.

[Agent|Austin]

General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
2. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
3. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
4. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
5. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
6. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
7. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".
8. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year- instead of before it.
9. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
10. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
14. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
15. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
16. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
17. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
18. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
18b. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
19. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
20. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.

(This deserves a new post right?)

[TerryRussell]

ERROR:

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's a hardware problem.

[Agent|Austin]

ERROR:

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's a hardware problem.

Oh sorry, typo. My microsoft spell checker didn't pick that one up.

[TerryRussell]

Oh sorry, typo. My microsoft spell checker didn't pick that one up.

This is the Hardware support section.

The problem you have described is a software problem. This support contract does not cover actions required to remedy spill chucker problimz.

*click*

[TerryRussell]

Two small boys, were talking one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

[Agent|Austin]

Two small boys, were talking one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

HAHA!!! Honest lawyer... Yeah right.

[captseaton]

If we are doing Microsoft jokes:

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.



The corniest nautical joke ever told:
Why are portholes on a boat or ship round?!?



So when you open them...the water doesn't hit you square in the face. 

Begin Groaning...

[Aad The Pirate]

One for the weekend:


The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a Spambot stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Stupid, stupid man...

Have a good one
Aad

[RMSGreatBritain]

One for the weekend:


The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a Spambot stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again...
Stupid, stupid man...

Have a good one
Aad

That is brilliant, and so true