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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 804590 times)

RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #275 on: December 12, 2008, 18:51:12 »

He he like that
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jim.smith

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #276 on: December 12, 2008, 19:28:55 »

I asked my wife what she would like for Christmas, she said a divorce,I said I wasnt intending to spend that much. Thats the best I can do.
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #277 on: December 12, 2008, 19:57:35 »

I asked my wife what she would like for Christmas, she said a divorce,I said I wasnt intending to spend that much. Thats the best I can do.

So, so true...
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Master Captain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #278 on: December 14, 2008, 01:13:28 »

what do you do if a blond throws a gernade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back ;D
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #279 on: December 14, 2008, 08:18:57 »

mwaahaaahaaahaaahaaaahaa! ;D
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #280 on: December 14, 2008, 12:46:27 »

As usual, no comment needed.
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ABCRic

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #281 on: December 14, 2008, 19:12:48 »

Though i still don't understand why blonds are supposed to be stupid:
In a workplace, the boss just logged on his computer.
Suddenly, he sees a blond worker running out of his office, screaming "I know the boss' password!"
Then another worker says "Then what is it?"
The blond says: "It's ******" (<--not a bad word)
(the characters shown depend on the operating system)
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What should I write here?

RMS Gigantic

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #282 on: December 15, 2008, 02:16:09 »

As usual, no comment needed.
Also as usual, that image fails to bare even the slightest resemblence to the actual ship.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #283 on: December 15, 2008, 11:22:44 »

Also as usual, that image fails to bare even the slightest resemblence to the actual ship.

Of course. Cartoons never do, that's what they are all about.




It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."
« Last Edit: December 15, 2008, 12:02:05 by MH1 »
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #284 on: December 16, 2008, 23:57:56 »

This Is How It Works

 

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from Kentucky, another from Tennessee and the third, from Georgia. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

 

The Georgia contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Kentucky contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700".

 

The official, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The Kentucky contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the official.

 

 And that, my friends, is how government works!

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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #285 on: December 17, 2008, 17:04:14 »

This Is How It Works

 

 

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from Kentucky, another from Tennessee and the third, from Georgia. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

 

The Georgia contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

 

The Kentucky contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700".

 

The official, incredulous, whispers back, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

 

The Kentucky contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

 

"Done!" replies the official.

 

 And that, my friends, is how government works!



Great joke, although I remember a very simular joke from Only fools and horses once
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #286 on: December 17, 2008, 17:13:08 »

 A Hispanic Christmas
 
              The night before Chreemas, on Thorsday I theenk,
              I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.
              I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast,
              Preety damn queek, I fall off my ass.

              I peek myself up and go home to bed,
              I pool the cobija up ober my head.
              Early next morning, or late een the night,
              I heer such damn recket, I theenk eet's a fight.

              I geet outta bed, I don feel very well,
              My head ees too beeg, eet hort me like hell.
              I go to the weendow, I don believe what I see,
              A pot-bellied greengo, as plain as can be.

              I looook at heez ropa, ees all colored red,
              He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled.
              I yella and I holler, "Hey, move your fat body,
              Your chivos--they champ on my grass!"

              He torn to heez goats, he say just one word,
              And them damn chivos chomp in the air like a bord.
              They corcle around, and then queek as a mouse,
              He land that damn sled on top of my house.

              They chaking their horns and stomping hees hoof,
              I theenk they damn chore play hell with my roof.
              I heer theze ole man chout loud and clear,
              "What the hell, Rodriquez, ain't no cheemney up here...

              No door, no weendow, nothing but air,
              How I gon geev you theze goverment welfare?"
              Then right away theze Rodriquez see---
              He gon get heemself something for free.

              So he says to the greengo, "Please come een senior,
              Do come on down and use the front door."
              So, he come een the house, and upon heez broad back,
              He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack.

              He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor,
              And start pooling out comida galore.
              He pool out tortillas, tamales and ham,
              He pool out a cheekin and haff of a lamb.

              He pool out cervesa and a bottle of wine,
              I cannot believe that theze eez all mine!
              I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you locky by heck,
              Theze chore as hell beats unemployment sheck."

              So he chakes out heez boles and dreenk some of my wine,
              And cosses hees chivos to get them een line.
              He cosses and hollers, he knows every one,
              "Chingow, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon."

              That ole man he know how to puut on a chow,
              Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go.
              At last he get them to chom een the sky,
              And the last time I see heem, he preety damn high.

              He going away and the last theeng I heeer,
              'IF YOU VOTE FOR BILL CLINTON, I BE BACK NEXT YEAR!"
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Nathan|C

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #287 on: December 19, 2008, 13:30:50 »

A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's* clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #288 on: December 19, 2008, 13:54:04 »

Good one Nathan!! Not sure it is a joke though as it is probably true!!
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #289 on: December 20, 2008, 16:07:53 »

A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's* clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister
I didn't quite get it, Probably cause im not a brit but nice job!
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #290 on: December 20, 2008, 16:13:14 »

A Joke i found in a Newspaper;

A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets St.Peter at the Gates of Heaven. Behind him the man sees a huge wall of millions of clocks.

"What are those clocks for?" ,the man asks

"They are lie clocks," St.Peter replies
....Everyone in the world has a lie clock, and every time they tell a lie the minute hand moves clockwise one space"

"Really? Who's Lie Clock is that?" the man asked pointing to a clock.

"That is President Lincolns clock..the hand has moved twice which means he told 2 lies in his entire life" St Peter Replies.

"Who's clock is that?" the man asks, pointing to another clock.

"That's Elvis Presleys clock" St.Peter Replies, "The Hand has moved 5 times, showing he told 5 lies in his whole life".

"Where is Gordon Brown's* clock?" asks the man.

"It's in Gods office.... St Peter Replies,

.....He's using it as an ceiling fan"


*Current British Prime Minister

That is a brilliants one!
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Minime

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #291 on: December 20, 2008, 16:42:10 »

I didn't quite get it, Probably cause im not a brit but nice job!
Gordon brown tells so much lies, that the clock goes so fast around itself, so god can use it as a fan now
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #292 on: December 20, 2008, 16:59:19 »

Well done Minime


From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

The cruise ship captain replied, "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

 
« Last Edit: December 20, 2008, 17:14:12 by MH1 »
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #293 on: December 20, 2008, 17:43:37 »

He he he good one!
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #294 on: December 20, 2008, 17:50:23 »

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #295 on: December 21, 2008, 11:04:29 »

An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," the engineer said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the engineer replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown ashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now! "Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said. The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL.!!"
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #296 on: December 21, 2008, 17:03:54 »

A few Presidential Limo's (Part 1)
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #297 on: December 21, 2008, 17:05:25 »

Part 2

For my next post You'll have to wait (a little while only). Being my 500th, it will be something special.
Regards
Aad
« Last Edit: December 21, 2008, 17:08:03 by aadjepiraatje »
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #298 on: December 21, 2008, 17:08:04 »

Basketball playing President elect?


A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
« Last Edit: December 21, 2008, 17:14:12 by MH1 »
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TerryRussell

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #299 on: December 21, 2008, 17:43:26 »

Mike: G-r-o-a-n....

Aad: Missed you recently! Glad to see you back.

And a Merry Christmas to all my readers.  :laugh:
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