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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 807493 times)

larsdehaan

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2050 on: October 16, 2011, 18:13:18 »

why are you so critical...its joke of the day for goodness sake!
im not critical its just annoying
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sydmichel

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2051 on: October 16, 2011, 18:49:21 »

im not critical its just annoying

Okay here is the reason they were posted seperatley:

Having read through messages on joke of the day, there are quite a lot get removed because of bad taste.  If I had posted them all in a single post and one of the jokes was deemed to be in bad taste, then all of the jokes would have been lost.

Furthermore, the point I was trying to make is that I took the time and made the effort to contribute to this board by sharing some jokes that I thourght were funny.  The last thing I expected was some miserable and irrelevant reply, I feel deflated and it made me think ¿why did I bother?
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Stuart2007

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2052 on: October 16, 2011, 19:53:52 »

Sydmichel,

Thank you for posting your jokes. I for one found them funny and not at all irritating by being posted seperately.

They are about the only funny ones that have appeared here.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2053 on: October 16, 2011, 19:57:44 »

Ahoy sydmichel,
This Topic is called "Joke of the day" as you stated yourself. Not "Joke of the minute".
And BTW, all of your jokes are quite acceptable  :thumbs:
Anyhow, Back on Topic


Should I really join Facebook?


When  I bought my I-Phone, I thought about the 30-year business I  ran  with  1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes  videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed  up  under  duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13  grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the  modern  way. 
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140  characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked  me up for Tweeter,  Tweetree,  Twhirl,  Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix  and  something  that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program  within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three  minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of  the entire next generation. I am not ready  to  live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf  bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they  say I get lost  every  now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that  in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I  am  supposed  to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line  at  Barnes  and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50  yards  was  glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got  a  little  loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but  the lady inside  that  gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long  time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,  "Re-calc-u-lating." 

You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she  could barely  tolerate  me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make  a  U-turn  at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well,  it  was  not a good relationship.  When  I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the  cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as  Gypsy,  the  GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am  still trying to learn how to use the  cordless  phones  in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still  haven't  figured  out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run  around  digging  under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty  laundry  baskets  when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for  me. They even mess me up every  time  I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle  on  something  themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time  I  check  out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth  reusable  bags  to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in  with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,  "Paper or Plastic?" I just  say,  "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn  to  stare  at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet.  I answered,  "No, but I do toot a lot.."

P.S. I know some of you are not  over 50. I tell it to you to allow you to  forward  it to those who are. 
We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.
The tv  remote and the  garage  door remote are about all we can  handle.
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2054 on: October 16, 2011, 20:39:32 »

last part was funny (sorta).

rating:

 ;D ;D

(new rating idea! rate jokes with smilies.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D = really great

 ;D ;D ;D ;D = great

 ;D ;D ;D = good

 ;D ;D = ok

 ;D:P)
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2055 on: October 16, 2011, 21:09:29 »

If this is your idea of a joke, well, her's my rating for it:
 :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2056 on: October 16, 2011, 21:35:54 »

Quite right Aad, rating jokes is a silly idea..  Come up with a good joke instead, Rbsanford..  ;)
« Last Edit: October 16, 2011, 21:38:56 by saltydog »
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clanky

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2057 on: October 16, 2011, 22:03:59 »

Sydmichael, they were brilliant, thanks for sharing them.
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2058 on: October 17, 2011, 13:25:54 »

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,
 
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. 
 
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ;  & here I am in Dublin .  When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. 

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.   

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! 


Tis me, ....................
 
I've Quit Drinking!"

 

 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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clanky

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2059 on: October 17, 2011, 17:09:42 »

Hahahaha, brilliant, I wish I knew a few jokes clean enough for here.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2060 on: October 17, 2011, 17:52:16 »

Hahahaha, brilliant, I wish I knew a few jokes clean enough for here.
Ahoy clanky,
Every joke is "clean" enough for here. Just replace the "dirty" words by "clean" ones  :doh:
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2061 on: October 17, 2011, 21:11:08 »

this ones more of a limerik:

there was a young man from darjeeling,
who got on a bus bound for ealing.
the sign on the door
said dont spit on the floor
so he carefully spat on the cieling. :doh:
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2062 on: October 17, 2011, 23:16:38 »

this ones more of a limerik:

there was a young man from darjeeling,
who got on a bus bound for ealing.
the sign on the door
said dont spit on the floor
so he carefully spat on the cieling. :doh:

Nice found  :thumbs:,
This kind of Limericks are funny,though they count for a joke too.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2063 on: October 18, 2011, 09:24:45 »

While, I was recovering from surgery and
spending most of the day in bed, my seven year
old son asked me why I didn't have a
boyfriend. I told him the television was my
boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
 
 

 

 
 
The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut
off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the
side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...
 
 
 

 

 
 A couple of days later the pastor
stopped by to check on my recovery.
I was trying to get the television to
come back on so, my son answered
the door.
 

 

 
 
The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?"
 
 
 
My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
 
 
 
 
 
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2064 on: October 18, 2011, 16:14:37 »

Edgy, Edgy  :doh:
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2065 on: October 18, 2011, 20:15:29 »

I don't know if this is a joke, but what the heck!
So today my gym teacher says "Do not talk, Do not walk, Do not collect two-hundred dollars"
Is that a joke?
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The Ferry Man

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2066 on: October 18, 2011, 20:19:06 »

Its a reference to Monopoly ;)

dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2067 on: October 18, 2011, 20:20:08 »

Ohh now I understand! lol
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The Ferry Man

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2068 on: October 18, 2011, 20:21:52 »

"Go directly to jail... do not pass go... do not pick up £200"

RYAN123

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  • Posts: 589
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2069 on: October 18, 2011, 21:03:59 »

A Man walks into a bar....

















































OUCH!  :doh: .... not that funny ... just somthing i thorght of..
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2070 on: October 18, 2011, 21:13:01 »

did i tell the one about the blind guy in Texas already?

oh wat the heck, here goes:

so a blind guy desides to go to texas. on the plane he feels the seats and says, "wow, these seats are big!" and the guy next to him says, "everythings big in texas."
after he lands, he goes to a bar and orders a beer. he feels the glass and says, "wow, this is a big glass!" and the bartender says, "everythings big in texas"
after a few drinks, he had to go to the bathroom. but he went through the wrong door and fell in a swimming pool and he says, "DONT FLUSH!"
 :doh: :doh:
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2071 on: October 18, 2011, 22:25:45 »

My friend, I think making joke about blind people is rude, don't do that!
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2072 on: October 18, 2011, 23:07:50 »

the joke isint about a blind guy, thatd be bad. :thumbdown:

its about how everythings big in texas.

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2073 on: October 18, 2011, 23:31:21 »

did i tell the one about the blind guy in Texas already?

oh wat the heck, here goes:

so a blind guy desides to go to texas. on the plane he feels the seats and says, "wow, these seats are big!" and the guy next to him says, "everythings big in texas."
after he lands, he goes to a bar and orders a beer. he feels the glass and says, "wow, this is a big glass!" and the bartender says, "everythings big in texas"
after a few drinks, he had to go to the bathroom. but he went through the wrong door and fell in a swimming pool and he says, "DONT FLUSH!"
 :doh: :doh:


OFFICIAL APPROVED (for what it counts)  :police:
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2074 on: October 19, 2011, 01:49:39 »

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
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