Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807535 times)

Gernot1971 · « **Reply #2425 on:** June 04, 2012, 09:07:43 »

A boastful American from Texas was being shown the sights of London by a taxi-driver.
"What's that building there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Tower of London, sir," replied the taxi-driver.
"Say, we can put up buildings like that in two weeks," drawled the Texan.
A little while later he said, "And what's that building we're passing now?"
"That's Buckingham Palace, sir, where the Queen lives."
"Is that so?" said the Texan. "Do you know back in Texas we could put a place like that up in a week?"
A few minutes later they were passing Westminster Abbey. The American asked again,
"Hey cabbie, what's that building over there?"
"I'm afraid I don't know, sir," replied the taxi-driver.
"It wasn't there this morning."

Gernot1971 · « **Reply #2426 on:** June 05, 2012, 16:56:31 »

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

dexter7 · « **Reply #2427 on:** June 08, 2012, 01:19:54 »

ROFLOL! That's the best one yet!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2428 on:** June 09, 2012, 17:55:12 »

3 Impossibilities in the world

=======================

1- You can't count your hair.

2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Please put your tongue back inside Your mouth. You look stupid

VirtualSkipper · « **Reply #2429 on:** June 09, 2012, 18:03:46 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on June 09, 2012, 17:55:12

1- You can't count your hair.

2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

You actually can do this, but it's not recommended.

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2430 on:** June 09, 2012, 20:40:47 »

Quote from: saltydog on June 09, 2012, 19:19:31

(why would you want to wash your eyes?, unless you have been watching something naughty on tv)

what if something gets in your eyes? there's also emergency eyewash stations in labs and factories.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2431 on:** June 10, 2012, 10:17:07 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on June 09, 2012, 17:55:12

3 Impossibilities in the world
=======================

1- You can't count your hair.

2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Please put your tongue back inside Your mouth. You look stupid

This explains a lot!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2432 on:** June 10, 2012, 18:58:37 »

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said:
"I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.."

dexter7 · « **Reply #2433 on:** June 11, 2012, 22:45:12 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on June 10, 2012, 18:58:37

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said:
"I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.."

If I was the Man, I would have slapped the kid...

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2434 on:** June 11, 2012, 23:36:17 »

Working as a pediatric nurse, my wife had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2435 on:** June 12, 2012, 09:05:35 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on June 11, 2012, 23:36:17

Working as a pediatric nurse, my wife had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, she entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

Maybe it was understandable in Dutch?

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2436 on:** June 12, 2012, 11:23:20 »

Her Arrival

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Gernot1971 · « **Reply #2437 on:** June 14, 2012, 13:22:28 »

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: â€œMy friend is dead! What can I do?â€

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: â€œJust take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.â€ There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: â€œOK, now what?â€œ

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2438 on:** June 14, 2012, 16:33:52 »

MISSING

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood Diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.
A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that's the man who made this camp possible.
Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'
Blank stares.
'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'
An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

Gernot1971 · « **Reply #2439 on:** June 15, 2012, 08:17:41 »

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Captain Cadet · « **Reply #2440 on:** June 15, 2012, 16:07:01 »

New WJCE,AQA and OCR new Anti-cheating rules

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2441 on:** June 15, 2012, 18:26:32 »

no, its the school for people who want to be the robot-guy in LMFAO music videos

dexter7 · « **Reply #2442 on:** June 16, 2012, 02:27:42 »

This guy?

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2443 on:** June 16, 2012, 05:20:11 »

yeah him

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2444 on:** June 16, 2012, 13:25:15 »

Not so much as a Joke, but an example how funny childrens minds work:

Just before my son was deployed to Afghanistan , he sat my eight-year-old grandson down and broke the news to him.
'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Afghanistan ..'
'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

Captain Cadet · « **Reply #2445 on:** June 16, 2012, 15:27:48 »

Quote from: Rbsanford on June 15, 2012, 18:26:32

no, its the school for people who want to be the robot-guy in LMFAO music videos

the box stops you looking left or right as it rests on your sholders so you can only look down that stops you speaking to the person next to you. also it makes it hard to look at texts as its on your sholders

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2446 on:** June 16, 2012, 19:35:08 »

i know, the LMFAO robot guy school was just a joke about the picture.

Gernot1971 · « **Reply #2447 on:** June 16, 2012, 22:35:13 »

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2448 on:** June 16, 2012, 22:53:34 »

A man dies and goes up to heaven. but God says, "Now I will give you the choice of either going to heaven or to hell. But first I will show you what each one looks like." So first God shows the man heaven. It's a big, bright white place above the clouds where everyone flies around, hangs out with friends, family, and celebrities, and the man thinks its okay. Then he's showed hell; it's a white sandy tropical beach with turquoise water, and there are many beautiful girls and he's lounging in a comfy chair sipping an ice-cold beer. So after God shows him around, the man says "Now heaven was nice, but hell was even better! I wanna go there!".

A few days pass, and God decides to pay the man a visit in hell. He's slaving in fields of fire and lava while hideous demons whip and torment him. The man says, "God, what happened to the beach with the girls and the beer?" God says, "That was the screen-saver."

Gernot1971 · « **Reply #2449 on:** June 18, 2012, 11:09:31 »

There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807535 times)