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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 804561 times)

saltydog

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 7828
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #825 on: April 27, 2009, 00:05:00 »

Two clowns were eating a cannibal..They were into recycling..
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #826 on: April 27, 2009, 16:39:55 »

Differences between You and Your Boss:

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

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CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #827 on: April 27, 2009, 17:48:51 »

A clown was standing in a kitchen, holding a can of frozen orange juice, staring at it intently.

His friend saw this and asked why.

The clown answered, "The can says, ‘Concentrate’"

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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #828 on: April 27, 2009, 18:19:20 »

Light Bulb Jokes:


Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of ‘real men’ around to do it.

Q: How many ‘Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

 

« Last Edit: April 27, 2009, 22:42:53 by Aad The Pirate »
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #829 on: April 28, 2009, 22:26:30 »

It's 4 am, I'm sound asleep, suddenly there is a lot of rumbling on my door, ringing the door bell etc.
So, I open the window and ask what the reason for that all was. So there was a guy standing in front of my door and asked me if I could give him a push. Quite upset I told him to let me sleep, after all, it's in the middle of the night. I close the window, resulting in another knokking and ringing the door bell. I open the window and start shouting that he has to leave me alone. My wife, woken up too, asked me what the reason for all that was. So I told her about that guy, requesting a push. Well, she responded: "Don't you remember when your car broke down and you needed a push?" "But it's raining" I tried to save myself. "No reason to be so unkind." was her response. So, I dressed up, went down, opened the door only to see......Nothing and nobody. "Hey, I thought you needed a push?" "I still do!" "But where are you? I don't see you or your car." "Car? What car? I'm sitting overe here, on the swing."
   
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TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #830 on: April 29, 2009, 08:00:36 »

How many Vstep software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?





None. It's a hardware problem.  ;D
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Kapn Jonah

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  • Posts: 1663
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #831 on: April 29, 2009, 21:04:54 »

Hahahahahahaha!
 
Nice one. ;D
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Regards,
Jonah

IRI5HJ4CK

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  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #832 on: April 30, 2009, 18:04:49 »

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Kind Regards,
Jack.

RMSGreatBritain

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  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #833 on: April 30, 2009, 19:58:22 »

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firestar12

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #834 on: April 30, 2009, 21:57:55 »

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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #835 on: May 01, 2009, 14:25:39 »

The two most burning questions after you got married:
Shall we take a dog?
Or shall we take kids?
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #836 on: May 03, 2009, 16:57:35 »

Aunt Lizzie was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'
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Later that night........ Lizzie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the left knee.
 
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #837 on: May 03, 2009, 17:47:51 »

No, that's where she shot herself!
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #838 on: May 03, 2009, 21:21:12 »

Swimming Swedes

During one of the Swedish army’s annual exercises, a sign on a bridge tells everyone "This bridge is destroyed". The exercise commences, and the Commander in Charge, a Colonel, scans around with his binoculars. Suddenly, he sees a line of soldiers walking over the closed bridge, which is marked with red flags, to simulate that it has been destroyed by an artillery barrage. The Colonel jumps in his TGB11 (Terrängbil 11, Eg. Cross Country Vehicle 11) and races down the hill to the bridge to have a word with the lousy platoon commander that allowed his men to cross a simulated destroyed bridge. As he approaches, he can see that the first soldier in line, a 2nd Lieutenant, carries a poster which says, "Vi simmar (We swim!"




« Last Edit: May 03, 2009, 21:51:56 by Aad The Pirate »
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TerryRussell

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #839 on: May 03, 2009, 21:58:22 »

Lots of good ones from you Aad!  :2thumbs: <= Thanks, Fred!

Q. What do you call a short psychic who escaped from a jail?

A. A small medium at large!


Q. Why couldn'tthe bicycle stand up?

A. It was two tired.
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S.Reich

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 66
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #840 on: May 03, 2009, 23:13:12 »

LMAO....This one even made my wife laugh........
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Titan Administrator
www.titanshipping.net

Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #841 on: May 03, 2009, 23:38:28 »

Priceless Boat Launch

This one gives new definition to "PRICELESS!"

65' Custom Built Motor yacht, staterooms, GPS navigation, twin Supercharged diesels, etc. = $2.5 million

Crane and Rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle = $2,500 per hour

Champagne and Strawberries, dockside, for the excited "soon to be Owners" =$250.00

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two Corporate representatives just prior to "inking" the final Paperwork........Priceless....................................

Check out the guy on the stern, holding on for the ride of the Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
« Last Edit: May 03, 2009, 23:40:24 by Aad The Pirate »
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Mad_Fred

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  • Posts: 8689
  • ✝ In Memoriam
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #842 on: May 03, 2009, 23:48:57 »

Gentlemen, try to keep them suited for all ages..

Although clearly about the rowboat, that one joke of yours was quite a bit too suggestive Aad, so I removed it.

Hope you understand.

Was a good one though..  :P


Regards,
Fred
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Mad_Fred

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  • Posts: 8689
  • ✝ In Memoriam
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #843 on: May 04, 2009, 00:36:15 »

We have to draw the line somewhere, there is allreadu more than enough leeway in this topic.

If one of us thinks it's crossing the line, and specially if a few of us do, then reason enough to remove it.

If we don't, then slowly but surely, it'll get out of hand, not just in this one, but in other topics or boards too.

The rules are the rules, I stand by our decision here. Some are just too suggestive.


Fred.
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #844 on: May 04, 2009, 14:57:46 »

Hope you understand.

Was a good one though..  :P


Regards,
Fred
Ahoy Fred,
That one was to funny to keep it to myself. However, even if just one person thinks it was "over the line" you are right to take the proper action  :thumbs:.
I fully understand and will take care about the jokes I'll keep placing.
Kind regards.
Aad

Q:    Do you know what you call a Snail on a Ship?
A:    A SNAILER!   (Yuk Yuk Yuk)
« Last Edit: May 04, 2009, 15:01:49 by Aad The Pirate »
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Traddles

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  • Posts: 5934
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #845 on: May 04, 2009, 16:12:38 »

A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
 for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
 and documents of new Ferrari parked
 on the street in front of the bank.
 He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
 The loan officer agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
 all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
 as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
 drives the Ferrari into the bank's
 underground garage and parks it there.

 Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
 repays the £5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to £15.41.
 The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
 and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
 but we are a little puzzled.
 While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
 for two weeks for only £15.41
 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser..
This is why we survive.



« Last Edit: May 04, 2009, 17:10:00 by Traddles »
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RMSGreatBritain

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #846 on: May 04, 2009, 16:26:00 »

A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
 for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
 and documents of new Ferrari parked
 on the street in front of the bank.
 He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
 The loan officer agrees to accept
 the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
 all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
 as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
 drives the Ferrari into the bank's
 underground garage and parks it there.

 Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
 repays the £5,000 and the interest,
 which comes to £15.41.
 The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
 and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
 but we are a little puzzled.
 While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
 for two weeks for only £15.41
 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the True Scouser..
This is why they survive.







LOL! Excellent Traddles!  :2thumbs: ;D :D :lol:

very very funny and true, but i think i've heard it before, whether here or not i cant remember....

PS. Loving the new smilies! :2thumbs: (Fred and Terry I guess! :2thumbs: )
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #847 on: May 04, 2009, 18:18:45 »

Yep, I read it to, on this forum, only the loaner was a blonde.
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CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #848 on: May 04, 2009, 22:47:19 »

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officer said the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?"



Thought I recognized it, it was one of mine!!
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #849 on: May 04, 2009, 23:20:33 »

OK, and back to topic.
The swine Flu, now better known as the Mexican Flu, did me place this one (click to enlarge, if necessary).
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