Joke of the day

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[IRI5HJ4CK]

Time for some riddles

I am taken from a mine, and shut up in a wooden case, from which I am never released, and yet I am used by almost everybody.

What am I...?

[CaptainMike1]

Time for some riddles

I am taken from a mine, and shut up in a wooden case, from which I am never released, and yet I am used by almost everybody.

What am I...?

Irish?

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Try again

[TJK]

A pencil or A pencil lead

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Correct!!

Your go

[TJK]

OK here are one

What walks all days on it's head?

[IRI5HJ4CK]

A nail in the sole of your shoe?

[TJK]

A nail in the sole of your shoe?

yes that to, i thanked on nail in a hors shoe
you turn

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Here's an easy one

What holds water yet is full of holes?

[CaptainMike1]

Back on topic!

Two people are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

"What's this?" asked the skipper, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"

"No," explained his crew, "It's just a little wave."

[saltydog]

I'm reminded of Roald Dahl's "Dip in the Pool"..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dip_in_the_Pool

[CaptainMike1]

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

[Aad The Pirate]

News Flash

One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint.

The crew is missing and believed to be marooned!

[Cat320DL]

 

[CaptainMike1]

A gust of wind blew a women's hat into the water while sailing on a tall ship. A body hurled over the rail and saved the hat. Coming back on board, the man was cheered by the other passengers. The captain asked the man, "Brilliant job, mate. Is there anything I can do for you?" The man said, "You can tell me who pushed me!"

[Aad The Pirate]

You Nautical Romantic You 

“Dear Heart, I had a great dream last night about you.”

“Oh? What was I doing?” She asked with a little giggle.

”You were buying me a new boat.”

“How Nice.” Was her cool response, “ Tonight, why don’t you dream up a way to pay for your new boat?

[Aad The Pirate]

But Things Have Changed Lord !

God, deciding that the Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark and to again save two of every living thing. “You have six months before I send the great flood.” God said.

Six months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one plank on the boat’s hull.

“Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?”

“There have been some construction delays, Lord. First I was told I needed a building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there. I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until just yesterday!”

Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon.
.
“I’m calling you back.” God said.

“Aren't you going to destroy the world Lord?" Noah asked.

“What’s the point?” God said. “It looks like someone beat me to it!”

[saltydog]

   good one..

[CaptainMike1]

The Captain and the Chief Engineer were in the galley revisiting an old
argument:

The Chief: “Your job is too easy, all you do is pick a point on
the chart and set your compass to it”

“No Way” said the captain. “Your job is way easier those engines are
just a larger version of an outboard motor!”

So each men decided to switch jobs for awhile to settle the argument….
about an hour latter beads of sweat are running down the Captain’s brow
as he struggles to keep the plant online.

After about 20min the Capt hears a small bang and sends the 3rd A/E to investigate.
An alarm goes off and he sends the 2nd.
Then he sees an oiler running past with a wrench…so he sends the 1st.

A few more minutes pass and BANG the lights go out.

Discouraged and now seemingly adrift he heads to the bridge to admit defeat. “I am soooo
sorry chief, I lost the plant. Your job is much harder than I ever thought”. “That’s OK….” replies the Chief Engineer “we ran aground!”

[Aad The Pirate]

Isn't this the truth ?!

Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay *.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore bottoms
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you are too old!

*According to my dictionary this word means colorfull and happy
 

[Aad The Pirate]

Nautical Dress Code

A boater brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat dinner. The dockhand says:
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here tonight. This establishment has a necktie policy for the evening meal and you are not wearing one."

The boater said: "I'm sure I don't have a tie on my boat!"

The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a customer, said: "Well, why don't you just find something that approximates a tie. I'm sure that will be okay."

After some time, the boater emerged from his cabin sporting a pair of jumper cables. "Sorry", the boater said," but this is all I could find to put around my neck."

Sighing, the dockhand said: "okay, I'll let you in with those, but just don't start anything."

[Aad The Pirate]

Well, Sealords and /or Ladies, Due to lack of other jokers     it's I to put in another one:

Nautical Lingo 1

An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is starboard, that's aft and that's portside. If I ever hear you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you through that little round window over there!"

Nautical Lingo 2

The Steamboat Captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living. All the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job he asked the pilot to let him take the helm.

"Okay", said the pilot , "but you must pass a small test first.

If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?" "Turn to Port", said the boy. "Correct", said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?" "Starboard", said boy grinning from ear to ear. "Good for you", said the pilot.

"And straight?" asked the pilot. The boy quickly replied, " Without ice."

[CaptainMike1]

The mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, "Hey
Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic
was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So
Doc , look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired the damage, and then put them back in, and when I finished,
it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get
the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?" 

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running." 

[Aad The Pirate]

Pass The....

First sailor: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

Second sailor: "No way, Jose!"

First sailor: "Why not?"

Second sailor: "It's against regulations to help another sailor to dessert!"

[CaptainMike1]

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, "He does it with a mirror" or "Hes got it up his sleeve." The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with f uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. "Okay, I give up," he squawked. "What did you do with the ship?"