Joke of the day

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

[clanky]

About 2kg?

[saltydog]

Its an old joke. Used by the Marx Brothers, among others
Freind: What's a henway?
You: A hen weighs about 4 to 6 pounds

[Rbsanford]

Exactly.

[Aad The Pirate]

So if you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and four bullets.  You are allowed to shoot four MPs in the behind.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth?  No problem.  Need glasses?  That's great.  Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?  They're all covered.  And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?  It's the same government that just told you that they cannot afford for you to go into a nursing home.  Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

PS
If this weren't so sad, you could laugh 'bout it.
And if this weren't so funny, you could cry 'bout it

[Stuart2007]

PS
If this weren't so sad, you could laugh 'bout it.
And if this weren't so funny, you could cry 'bout it

What about:

"If this wasn't so flaming true...."

[sydmichel]

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around having fun.  She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says.
"Yes." he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids if you want.", she says.
"It's best I stay here." he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
The boy replies:

"Because I'm the goal keeper"

[Rbsanford]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar, and the first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer, the third half of the previous order, and so on. After a while the bartender says, "Ok, I get it! You want two beers!"

[Aad The Pirate]

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'

[CaptainMike1]

A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered the 'Chicken Surprise.'
The waiter brought the meal, served in a cast iron pot with a lid. Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she caught a brief glance of two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.
'Good grief, did you see that???' she asked her husband.
He hadn't, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down.
Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.

'Excuse please,' said the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replied, 'Chicken Surprise.'


'So sorry,' said the waiter, 'My mistake... I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[Rbsanford]

I would make a good chemistry joke, but they Argon.

[Gernot1971]

[Aad The Pirate]

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle.
Shaking, slamming on the bottom, nothing seems to help.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now, She's hitting the bottle.

[Aad The Pirate]

This one is too cute to keep it to myself.
Please click HERE and watch till the baby is sound asleep.
Then click the Airhorn.
(Don't mind the sub-titles, they are for the Dutch and Belgian viewers)

[CaptainMike1]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
 
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
 



After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry but your duck Cuddles, has
 
passed away."
 


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
 


"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
 
He might just be in a coma or something."
 


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a
 
Labrador Retriever.
 


As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
 
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
 
eyes and shook his head.
 


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
 
a cat.
 


The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
 
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
 


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
 
a dead duck."
 


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
 
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
 


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20 but with the lab tests and cat scan.......

[Traddles]

Quite brilliant that one Mike.

Angus.

[Aad The Pirate]

The only brillant thing on this is that a reindeer called Rudolph changed into a duck and Santa changed into a woman.

http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg150694/topicseen.html#msg150694

[CaptainMike1]

Aad

You're the only one here whose memory goes back three years and you still don't know the difference between a duck and a reindeer!

[Aad The Pirate]

Remember this one?
Well, this one is even worse!

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2012

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2012 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students..

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2012- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from 4th of July, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasps' nest.

1957 - Wasps die.

2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2012- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Sad, isn't it?

[ci]

Hi Aad

sad but true

[Rbsanford]

Yeah, when my dad was a kid, he and his friend tied up a bunch of flares, put a clock on it, and tied it to the vice principle's chair.

Back then it was a joke and everyone laughed, but now it's a serious matter. It's almost as if you can't have fun anymore.

[Aad The Pirate]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn
around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care..

I have now done MY part.

[Traddles]

STOPPED by police @ 2am
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Point taken Aad. But your final note is very pertinent.
 
  

[Aad The Pirate]

[CaptainMike1]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back

and inform the other if there is sex after death.  Their biggest

fear was that there was no after-life at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.  True

to his word, he made the first contact: "Rowena...Rowena "


"Is that you, William?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."


 "That's wonderful!   What's it like?"


 "Well, I get up in the morning; I have sex. I have breakfast and

then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm

sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch

(you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf

course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After

supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late

at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it

starts all over again"

"Oh, William, are you in Heaven?"


 "No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona!

[Aad The Pirate]

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a police officer was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at hes uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' he answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' he told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward him, 'would you please tie my shoe?'