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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 807526 times)

siso7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1375 on: November 06, 2009, 14:39:27 »

haha! nice one Mike! ;D
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1376 on: November 06, 2009, 16:22:14 »

A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises.
http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg143534/topicseen.html#msg143534
Do I have to say more?   :doh:

Whatever You Say Sir !


It was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. The Captain stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and shouted out: "Good Evening, Sir!"
The Captain returned the salute and said: "Good evening Seaman, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied: "Yes Sir!".
The Captain continued: "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Seaman didn't agree, but then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded: "Yes Sir!"
Then the Captain, pointing at the dog and said: "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Seaman glanced at the dog and said: "Yes Sir!"
The Captain continued: "I got this dog for my wife."
The Seaman simply said: "Good trade Sir!"



« Last Edit: November 06, 2009, 16:35:30 by Aad The Pirate »
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1377 on: November 06, 2009, 17:37:39 »

They always say that a good joke never wears out!!
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1378 on: November 06, 2009, 19:55:03 »

Trained and Too Ready


It was Jim's first week as a junior ship's engineer. He has been told that if the alarm rings, he should rush towards the muster station to escape immediately.

One day Jim was sleeping after a full day of work. Suddenly he heard the alarm and immediately realized he needed to escape. Jim quickly put on his life jacket and started running in a panic. On the next deck, Jim saw a cadet walking casually . The cadet asked Jim why he was running.

Jim told him that the ship is in danger and he want to escape. The cadet said: "Oh! You want to escape? Why are trying to jump off the boat? You can 'escape' using the gangway." (Jim forgot the ship was berthed.... the alarm was just being tested).
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Stuart2007

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1379 on: November 08, 2009, 12:47:51 »

They always say that a good joke never wears out!!
They were wrong about that one then...
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1380 on: November 08, 2009, 18:26:03 »

If Women controlled the World
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bsm2003

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1381 on: November 08, 2009, 21:39:25 »

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling Another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says. . . "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
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laganviking

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1382 on: November 08, 2009, 23:25:18 »

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scottishman and Paddy Irishman are marrooned on an island in the South Pacific. Upon exloring the island they were captured by a tribe of people. They were tied up and held captive. Later that day the Tribe leader came to them and said that he would allow them to leave freely...but in order to gain this freedom they had to go through a special prisoner 'ritual'. He told them to go off into the forrest and pick fruits, and when they came back those fruits had to be rectally inserted without moving or shouting. The three looked at each other and set off weirily into the under-growth.
Paddy Englishman was the first to arrive back with cherries. The Tribe began their 'ritual' but after the 3rd cherry he let out a yelp and he was killed.
Paddy Scottishman returned next with berries. Again the Tribe began their 'ritual'. On the last berry he let out a laugh, so he too was killed.

When the 2 meet in Heaven, Paddy Englishman says to Paddy Scottishman, "Why did you laugh? You were so close to freedom."
Paddy Scottishman replies, "I seen Paddy Irishman coming back with pineapples!"
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1383 on: November 09, 2009, 00:28:53 »

If women controlled the World (Part 2)
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1384 on: November 09, 2009, 02:24:57 »

Copy from MLIA:

Today, I went through the McD's drive through and ordered a #3 with a cinnamelt. I realized I did not have enough money for the cinnamelt so I quickly drove out of line and pulled in a parking spot by the door. I walked in and, almost as if puzzled as to what I should get, I ordered simply a #3. I was happy to have enough money for the essentials. The man proceeded to hand me a bag and said, "here. there's a cinnamelt in there for you too. some jerk just drove off after ordering."
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1385 on: November 09, 2009, 16:31:00 »

If Women controlled the World (Part 3)
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1386 on: November 09, 2009, 18:01:57 »

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1387 on: November 10, 2009, 18:50:26 »

If Women controlled the world (Part 4)
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Ballast

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1388 on: November 10, 2009, 20:04:09 »

Blame it on the apprentice!


REFN: 825.2891

The following report from a ship's Master is reproduced by kind
permission of the anonymous author who appears to be gifted with
remarkable "sang-froid".

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret
that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following
circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before
you form your own pre-conceived opinions from report in the world press,
for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from
changing the "G" flag for the "H" and, it being his first trip, was
having difficulty in rolling the "G" flag up. I therefore proceeded to
show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go". The lad,
although willing, is not too bright,
necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.
At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the Chart room, having
been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was the
anchors that were being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the Third
Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but
not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor
drop from the "pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour
speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of
the port cable was pulling out
" by the roots". I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be
extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the
vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that
spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel.
Unfortunately, he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the
result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen,
two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are
at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise
I would were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel,
the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, to late to be of
practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I
gave a double ring Full Astern on Engine Room Telegraph and personally
rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolution, I was informed
that the sea temperature was 53 and asked if there was a film tonight;
my reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward
end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was
supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's
towing spring onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to "run in
under" the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was
answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second
Officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the
sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning
of the vessel.
It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port
anchor there was a power cut ashore.
The fact that we were passing over a "cable area" at that time might
suggest that we have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps
lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not
live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the
shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviours of foreigners
during moments of minor crisis.
The pilot, for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my
day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying. The tug captain,
on the other hand reached violently and had to forcibly be restrained by
the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is
telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance
companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer
collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These
particulars will enable you to claim for the damage that they did to the
railings of the No. 1 hold.
I am closing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no
need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

Kind regards,
Master
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1389 on: November 11, 2009, 13:34:19 »

Father O'Malley, an Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning…. it was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.

Dis is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. Dere's a jackass lyin dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment........................
Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1390 on: November 11, 2009, 17:48:03 »

If Women controlled the World (Part 5)

Explanation:
Does anybody know how many men it takes to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It seems it never happened yet.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2009, 17:50:05 by Aad The Pirate »
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1391 on: November 12, 2009, 19:57:25 »

Getting old
 

 
Jim, Jack and John, three old sailors, see each other again after quite a long while.
So Jim asked the other two: "What are you doing since your retirement?"
"Well" answered Jack, "I took up my old hobby and now take pictures the whole day long."
John: "I started gardening and doing it quite well." "But what are you doing now, Jim?"
"I'm in research" answered Jim.
"And what are you searching for?"
"Each day again my glasses, my cane, my false teeth, my keys............

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sadsid († 2016)

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1392 on: November 19, 2009, 11:31:30 »

Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I
have some bad news, the donkey died."

Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Paddy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?"

Paddy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me ... I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey?"

Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at
two quid a piece and made a profit of £898."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his
two quid back."

Paddy now works as a personal advisor to Gordon Brown in the Treasury
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1393 on: November 19, 2009, 16:19:42 »

Sounds quite simulair to this one: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg140023/topicseen.html#msg140023

Anyhow, here's another one about women controlling the world:

If women controlled the World (Part 6)
Please click the pic to animate
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1394 on: November 19, 2009, 18:20:28 »

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1395 on: November 19, 2009, 20:13:00 »

If Women controlled the World (Part 7)
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IRI5HJ4CK

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1396 on: November 20, 2009, 08:44:30 »

Here's a short one, but I found it very funny.. :lol:

What do you call a scouser in a three story mansion?

A burgler.. :lol: :D Hahaha
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1397 on: November 20, 2009, 13:46:39 »

Here's a short one, but I found it very funny.. :lol:

What do you call a scouser in a three story mansion?

A burgler.. :lol: :D Hahaha

The follow on one!

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle ...
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1398 on: November 20, 2009, 16:35:31 »

If Women controlled the World (Part eight)
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1399 on: November 20, 2009, 18:14:41 »

Continuing Jack's theme of Liverpool jokes:

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta are all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

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