Joke of the day

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[CaptainMike1]

Good one Jack!!

Here's another for Monday:

'I called my son David,' said the Welshman, 'because he was born on St David's day.'
'Ay and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.'
'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did the same with my son Pancake!'

[Aad The Pirate]

U R G E N T

This is an annoucment from the Department of Common Health:
Never swallow chewing gum.
The consequences could be desastrous !!!

[CaptainMike1]

LOL Shipmate

Can't match that one, try this:


"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady,

"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

[CaptainMike1]

Hehehehehe.

Now a Welsh one!


Punishment Saudi Arabian Style
A Welshman, an Australian and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Welshman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Englishman to my back."

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Nice one I was laughing for quite a while there

Paddy finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "You have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like?"

Paddy scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted Paddy" said the Genie and produced the bottle. Paddy was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.

He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes Paddy, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

[CaptainMike1]

Nice one 2 Jack....

Maiden flight
It was the maiden flight of the new Jumbo Jet 747-400. Mr and Mrs Murphy had been lucky enough to get seats aboard. There they sat, in comfortable seats, with not a care in the world, as the captain of the plane addressed the passengers on the tannoy.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this beautiful aeroplane. It was built by the finest technology the world has ever seen - it is a miracle of modem engineering!'

Pat Murphy smiled at Molly with pride and joy in his eyes as the pilot went on:

'On your left you can see the full-size cinema aboard. On your right is the bowling alley. Below you, downstairs, is the Olympic-size swimming pool and race track. Over your heads, one floor up, is the bar, disco and restaurant.'

Happily the Murphys began to relax, just as they heard the captain conclude by saying:

'So if you'd all like to sit back and take it easy I'll try and get this thing off the floor!'

[TerryRussell]

Sorry, Master Captain.

Your joke crossed the bounds of decency. As Fred had already warned about this earlier, I have deleted your post.

Gentlemen, please ensure that your jokes are suitable for 7 year old children. Any "jokes" with obscene or sexual references will get you into trouble.

Please also be careful about religious or racial stereotypes.

[Master Captain]

whoops   heres a nice squeaky clean one
 From the WordPerfect Help Desk   
 
  This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Its long, but pretty funny

 

[trains]

That's rich.

[TerryRussell]

Hi Jack.

Some of the expletives come very close to the mark. I'm not personally offended (nothing anyone says could top some of the filthy jokes I learned from my Mum or my Gran!), but people can take exception to what they perceive as blasphemy or racial stereotypes.

So, the English, Irish, Mulim, Jewish type jokes are probably not a good idea. Nor the ones where people use Irish stereotypical expressions.

I really don't want to issue a set of guidelines, but please use your discretion!

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Ok, Thats fair enough Terry, its just a shame that things are the way they are nowerdays with some people taking offence to such jokes (Not aiming that at you by any means-I know you have a sence of humour ). But I understand that you can't afford to take that chance with most of the previous Irish jokes etc.

Thanks for letting me know,
Jack.

[CaptainMike1]

Amsterdam Cats

A couple's car broke down outside a pet shop and while they were waitig for the RAC man they looked in the window. There was a sign that said : Amsterdam Cats.

The couple entered the shop as they had previously been Cat breeders and had never heard of Amsterdam Cats. They looked around the store for a while until the store assistant was free. Then the man of the relationship walked over to the man behind the counter and said :

How Dutch Is That Moggy In The Window?

The shop assistant fell of his chair with laughter but the man didnt realise what he had said until after he left the shop and he too fell about in fits of laughter.

[Aad The Pirate]

It's saturday morning and a G.P. (family docter) discovers that there is a lot of water in his basement. So, he calls a plumber to fix it a.s.a.p.
The plumber asks the G.P. if he can't wait till after the weekend, but the G.P. will not take NO for an answer.
So, half'n'hour later the plumber is at the G.P.'s address. The doc opens the door to the basement and indeed, ther's a lot of water. He asks the doc' for a couple of Apirines. The doc' , not really understanding the reason, still goes upstairs and returns with the pills and hands them over to the plumber while asking: "You need some water too?"
The plumber answers: "No, water enough," throws the pills into the water in the basement, turns to the doc and speaks the unforgettable words: "I'm done here for now, and if You still have troubles on monday, please call back."   

[firestar12]

It's saturday morning and a G.P. (family docter) discovers that there is a lot of water in his basement. So, he calls a plumber to fix it a.s.a.p.
The plumber asks the G.P. if he can't wait till after the weekend, but the G.P. will not take NO for an answer.
So, half'n'hour later the plumber is at the G.P.'s address. The doc opens the door to the basement and indeed, ther's a lot of water. He asks the doc' for a couple of Apirines. The doc' , not really understanding the reason, still goes upstairs and returns with the pills and hands them over to the plumber while asking: "You need some water too?"
The plumber answers: "No, water enough," throws the pills into the water in the basement, turns to the doc and speaks the unforgettable words: "I'm done here for now, and if You still have troubles on monday, please call back."   

I didn't quite get that one.

[TerryRussell]

Good one Aad!

Here's another:

Q:
There's a frog, dead in the middle of a lilypad, which is right in the middle of the pond,.

Which side would it jump to?


































A: None! The frog is dead! I just told you.

[firestar12]

Good one Aad!

Here's another:

Q:
There's a frog, dead in the middle of a lilypad, which is right in the middle of the pond,.

Which side would it jump to? A: None! The frog is dead! I just told you.

Very nice Terry. I really laughed there.
Heres one:
Ok, for you science folks out there,
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bar bouncer says "We don't allow your kind here" and the mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

[CaptainMike1]

2008's First Christmas Joke   


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[firestar12]

2008's First Christmas Joke   


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

LOL. Nice one what does carol think about that?

[CaptainMike1]

A New Wednesday Joke


A workman was repairing the roof of the Liverpool Cathedral. Into the chapel below came the widow Cassidy bearing the world's troubles on her shoulders.
Kneeling down she poured out her heart at a great level of decibels.
'Mother of God, help me!' she cried.
'Mother of God, help me!'
Unable to contain himself the roofer called down in a booming voice:
'What do you want?'
'Don't be so nosy!' shouted the widow. 'It's your mother I'm talking to!'

[Master Captain]

hehe, thats pretty good

[CaptainMike1]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking on the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[Aad The Pirate]

One to end the day with.
If You don't understand something, well, You're not alone out there.

[Kapn Jonah]

LOL

[CaptainMike1]

One for Thursday:

A drunken ambulance

Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.
As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.
A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.
Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your silly ice cream!'

[CaptainMike1]

The Donkey Raffle

A man named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."