Joke of the day

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

[Captain Cadet]

I'll just say
Stop that...
Let imagination go wildb

[Gernot1971]

Ok, have changed   

[Gernot1971]

Wow, must study the rules.  Next joke hasnt pass the censor. 

Hope, here is nowhere the rule: "Three times and you are out!" 

[sadsid (†2016)]

The Rules are simple if it is not fit for a child to read do not post it

[Gernot1971]

You have right, in future i'll post jokes fit for child. 

[Gernot1971]

An lawyer was sitting in an airplane next a blonde girl, bored and wondered if she would make a fun game with him. But she was tired and wanted to sleep.
The lawyer did not give up and declared that the game is not only funny but also slightly: "I ask a question if you do not know the answer, you pay me 5 euros and vice versa." The blonde refused and put the seat back to sleep.
The lawyer remained obstinate and suggested: "OK, if you do not know the answer, you pay 5 €, but if I do not know the answer, I'll pay you 500 €!" Now agreed the blonde girl and the lawyer asked the first question: "What is the distance from earth to moon ?". The blonde reached into his pocket and wordlessly handed him over 5 €.
"Thanks," said the lawyer, "now it's your turn.". She asked him: "What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?". The lawyer was confused, stuck his laptop connected to the onboard phone, e-mails sent to his staff, asked at the State Library and all Internet search engines. But in vain, he found no answer. After an hour he gave up, woke the blonde and gave her 500 euros.
"Thanks," she said, and wanted to sleep on. The frustrated lawyer, but persisted and asked, "Well, what's the answer?".
Without a word, the blonde reached into his pocket and gave him 5 €!

[Rbsanford]

a man is at a bar, nursing a beer one day when another man comes running in yelling at the man, "JOE! JOE! your father is dying!" so the man runs outside and says, "oh wait, i don't have a father." so he walks back into the bar and gets back to his beer. a little time passes when another man runs in and shouts at him, "JOE! JOE! your house is on fire!" so the man runs outside, hops in his car, and realises, "oh wait, i don't have a house." he goes back to his beer. some more time passes when yet another man runs in and tells the man, "JOE! JOE! you just won a $1,000,000 grant from the government! its down at the post office!" so the man sprints out of the bar, speeds to the post office, and yells at the clerk, "MY NAME IS NOT JOE!"

[Gernot1971]

Joe and Pete wants to the Navy. Joe is brought into the Navy office.
The officer says to him: "You only have to answer three questions. What do you do when an enemy comes."
Joe: "Kill."
Officer: "What do you do when the Admiral comes?"
Joe: "Congratulations to victory."
Officer: "And what do you say if I give a command?"
Joe: "Yes, sir!"
Officer. "Ok, we take you, please send Pete in!" Joe goes out and says to Pete, as he will reply: "'shooting', 'Congratulations on your victory' and 'Yes, sir,' say '. Pete goes in and gets the first Question: "What do you do when the Admiral comes?"
Pete: "Kill"
Officer: "What do you do when an enemy comes?"
Pete: "Congratulations to victory."
Officer: "Are you kidding me?"
Pete: "Yes, sir!"

[Stuart2007]

The Rules are simple if it is not fit for a child to read do not post it

Heavens above- it's children who know all the filthy language anyway. It's ADULTS you need to protect. 

[Gernot1971]

Heavens above- it's children who know all the filthy language anyway. It's ADULTS you need to protect. 

no comment, but   

[Gernot1971]

Captain to his sailor: "Stop to cry out "land in sight", as long as we are still in the harbor! "

[saltydog]

Q: How do you make reservations for a Dutch movie?
A: Phone the cinema and ask how much they will pay you to watch it..   

[Gernot1971]

At a  maneuver is a bridge blocked. She wears a sign reading "Blown Up".
The General looks completely stunned, as a whole company comfortably strolls across the bridge. The last soldier has a sign on his back. The General tearing up the field glasses and reads: "We swim!"

[Gernot1971]

Mrs. Mueller dishwasher was out ot order. So she called the service man, who announced himself for the next morning. Since she had an appointment at this time that she could not move, she told him on the phone: 'I leave the key under the door mat. Repair the dishwasher and let the bill on the kitchen table. By the way, they do not need to be afraid of my dog, they do nothing. But in any case, under no circumstances talk to the parrot.
When the service man came the next day, everything was advertised as. The dog was the biggest and scariest, he had ever seen, but he was very quiet, watching him quietly at the work. The parrot, however pelted him with nuts, screaming, cursing, and gave him constantly the vilest expressions.
Finally, the technician could not hold back any longer and yelled:
'Shut up, you ugly, stupid bird!'
To whish the parrot will be quiet
But the Parrot say to the Dog: 'Get him, Pluto!'   *
WHY MEN ARE NEVER EVEN LISTEN TO WOMEN?
and ... the moral of the story:
Obey the women, even if they have a bird

[Rbsanford]

did you hear about the cowboy with the newspaper hat, the wax paper shirt, the construction paper pants, and the printer paper boots?

he was arrested for rustling.

[Gernot1971]

 

A woman sitting in a plane next to a priest. "Father," she says, "I must ask you a favor?" "Gladly, if I can, my daughter."

 "So you must know, I bought a very expensive and very good shaver for women, which is still brand new and now I am afraid must pay a lot of taxes at customs. Could you maybe hide it under your cassocks ? ""I can do, my daughter, the only problem is I can not lie."

 "Well," thinks the woman, "somehow it will work," and she gives him the razor. At the airport, the customs officer asked the priest if he has anything to declare. "From head to the middle is nothing to declaire, my son," says the priest.

Somewhat surprised, the customs officer ask: "And down the middle?" "Down there," the priest say, "I have a device for women that was not used before."

 The customs officer laughed loudly and shouted, "Next please."

[Gernot1971]

Steve and Jack have stolen nuts.
To avoid detection, they sneak into the currently open mortuary to share it. Outside the door, they lose two of their nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," murmured they..
The clerk comes over and listens to the sermon. He is very shocked, his hairs stands on end. He ran to the priest: "Father, haunts the morgue because there is God and the Devel, they deals with the souls."
The priest looked his head and goes quietly with the clerk to the morgue.
"One for you, one for me:.. One for you, one for me. So thats all here, we get now the two at the door!"

[Rbsanford]

a mother is walking on the beach with her son, when suddenly a huge wave washes the son out to sea, and nobody is there to save him (the mother can't swim). so the mother looks to the sky, folds her hands and says, "God, please, that was my only son, and i loved him. can you please bring him back?" so the clouds part and the son softly lands back on the beach. the mother immediatly says, "... and he had a hat too!"

[Gernot1971]

An elderly lady comes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor, I have this wind, although it does not bother me so much.
They never stink, and they always go off quietly. Really, I had determined
already twenty flatulence, since I'm in this room, although you could not notice,
because this happens without smell or noise. "
The Doctor: "Take these pills and come in a week."

After a week she appears again and says:
"Doctor, what the hell have you me for pills? My bloating, although they are still silent but
they stink terribly! "
"Very well. Now, when your nose is working again, we want to take care of your hearing ..."

[CaptainMike1]

An elderly lady comes to the doctor and says:
"Doctor, I have this wind, although it does not bother me so much.
They never stink, and they always go off quietly. Really, I had determined
already twenty flatulence, since I'm in this room, although you could not notice,
because this happens without smell or noise. "
The Doctor: "Take these pills and come in a week."
After a week she appears again and says:
"Doctor, what the hell have you me for pills? My bloating, although they are still silent but
they stink terribly! "
"Very well. Now, when your nose is working again, we want to take care of your hearing ..."

Gernot1971,

Why not take a break?

[Gernot1971]

@CaptainMike: Have edit the joke. Hope you mean that. 

[saltydog]

Question: What is a single Italian guy who does not live with his mother?

Answer: A priest..   

[larsdehaan]

Question: What is a single Italian guy who does not live with his mother?

Answer: A priest..   

Hehehe that one really made me laugh

[Gernot1971]

A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."

[dexter7]

Roflol That's what I'd wanna do... That's two wishes, One more!