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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 806197 times)

CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #300 on: December 21, 2008, 18:31:22 »

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner...
A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.

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RMSGreatBritain

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  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #301 on: December 21, 2008, 18:35:40 »

Mwahahahahaha!
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ABCRic

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 149
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #302 on: December 22, 2008, 16:05:31 »

Condition LOL. I repeat: Condition LOL
Been playing too much Need for Speed Most Wanted. Take that, you cops!

ARGH! Roadblock!
« Last Edit: December 22, 2008, 22:24:18 by ABCRic »
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Nathanael

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  • Posts: 193
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #303 on: December 22, 2008, 16:24:18 »

A blonde and a brunette are jumping of a building. Who will hit the ground first.

Well, the brunette, because the blonde asks for directions half way.

Just one a friend made up at school.
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Ncena1

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  • Posts: 436
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #304 on: December 22, 2008, 16:25:53 »

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Nathanael

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  • Posts: 193
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #305 on: December 22, 2008, 16:28:00 »

Why did Mary fall of the swing?

Because she was dead.
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saltydog

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 7828
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #306 on: December 22, 2008, 17:00:00 »

Ok, while we're on blonde jokes
A blonde buys her first mobile phone..She shows it to her friends that evening..
The next day she's sitting in a cafe when she get's a call from one of them on her mobile
"Hi" she says.."how nice of you to call, but how did you know I was here..? "
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RMSGreatBritain

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  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #307 on: December 22, 2008, 18:17:15 »

he he!
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ABCRic

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 149
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #308 on: December 22, 2008, 22:25:26 »

L
O
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
L.
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Minime

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  • Posts: 2557
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #309 on: December 23, 2008, 01:28:12 »

good one :D
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CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #310 on: December 23, 2008, 10:47:41 »

If restaurants functioned like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day ................................... $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .......... $2.50
Access to support ................................. $1.00

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ABCRic

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  • Posts: 149
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #311 on: December 23, 2008, 14:02:16 »

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL
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saltydog

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 7828
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #312 on: December 24, 2008, 12:26:21 »

- "Waiter !  What is this fly doing in my soup ?"
- ............ "I believe the backstroke, sir"....
« Last Edit: December 24, 2008, 13:11:05 by saltydog »
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CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #313 on: December 24, 2008, 12:49:23 »

Murphy's Laws of Computing
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

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bbydino05

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  • Posts: 419
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #314 on: December 26, 2008, 00:44:10 »

Murphy's Laws of Computing
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.




or in some cases down grade
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ABCRic

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 149
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #315 on: December 26, 2008, 21:07:08 »

Mom opens the fridge:
"John (son), why is there only one cake in the fridge if there were two yesterday?"
"'Coz I didn't see it"
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RMS Gigantic

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  • Posts: 2601
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #316 on: December 27, 2008, 00:44:26 »

Heh, nice.

I'm on Mac, so I'm in a Mac-bashing mood. I made this one up myself recently:

A smart blond is on top of the world's tallest building, when she drops her Mac off the roof. She dives after it, desperate to retrieve it. Which hits the ground first: her, or her Mac?

Neither, for two reasons:

1) There is no such thing as a smart blond

and

2) Smart people don't use Macs
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Captain Best

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  • Posts: 3237
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #317 on: December 27, 2008, 01:18:05 »

OK. Here's a good one.

A stupid pilot is flying a plane.
and he was soon landing.

then the man on the tower said to the pilot.
what is your position?

the man on the tower repeated it 5 times.
then the pilot said to the man on the tower:

Hey. My position on the front of the plane and steering the plane ;D
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #318 on: December 27, 2008, 18:05:12 »

ROTFLOL!!!!!! NOT?
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TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #319 on: December 28, 2008, 06:59:20 »

Sorry, but I think the humour may have gotten lost in the translation...


How do sailors get their clothes clean?

They throw them overboard and the get washed ashore !


It's nearly Easter.

A man and his wife are sitting on the couch and the man starts to get amorous. His wife pushes him away and shakes her head.

The man is perplexed and asks "What's wrong?".

His wife says "I can't darling, it's Lent."

Surprised, the husband asks "Lent? To who and for how much?"
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #320 on: December 30, 2008, 15:22:53 »

A wrong Diagnose
An obvious drunk, smelling like a still, sits in the Subway right next to a Catholic Priest.
This guy wears sloppy clothes, his face is covered with lipstick smears and a half empty bottle of Gin sticks in his pocket.
There lies a n old Newspaper around and the drunk starts reading it. After a few minutes he turns to the priest and asks: "Your Eminence, do You know what causes Artrithis?"

"Yes,my son, I know" answers the priest with a slight disapproval looking at that drunk.
"It's caused by a profligate life filled with cheap and wicked woman, to much cheap spirits and an absolute  contempt to You fellowmen."

"Holy Smoke," mumbles the Drunk, "I just read here that the Pope is suffering from it."
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RMSGreatBritain

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  • Posts: 1450
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #321 on: December 30, 2008, 15:54:57 »

He he
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #322 on: January 01, 2009, 12:35:32 »

LOL
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #323 on: January 03, 2009, 01:42:51 »

LOL!!!! But does the Pope really have cheap Women?
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #324 on: January 03, 2009, 08:23:13 »

I think you have missed the point Firestar
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