Joke of the day

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[clanky]

Did you hear about the date between Oxygen and Potassium?
I guess it went OK.

I heard oxygen was with Magnesium -OMg

Although someone said that nitrogen had a thing going with oxygen - NO

[danny]

Au! Reply! These jokes are gold! HeHeHeHeHe, ok you've sulphured enough, I wont say Na more.

[Rbsanford]

Santa got the Nobel prize in chemistry. After getting it he said:

"Holmium, Holmium, Holmium!"

[danny]

That joke was just................. pre-phosphorous!!

[Rbsanford]

You may have a mole, or maybe a mole, but I have a mole of moles and each one has a mole of moles.

So that's 406,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 moles and each one has 406,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 moles, so that's 364,816,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 moles.

That's enough moles to fill all the oceans of the world and to form a three-mile layer around the Earth, but since each mole has a mole of moles, then each mole is pretty much an individual mole, but actually composed of a mole of moles. But be careful, because one of these moles is a mole.

[CaptainMike1]

Golf on Christmas Day

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I
bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --'

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

[CaptainMike1]

 
 
 Family Tree
 
 

 

 

Adam  and Eve

  

A  little girl asked her mother,  
"How did the human  race start?"  
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they  had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two  days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,  
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."



The  confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that  you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from  monkeys?"
The mother answered,
"Well, dear, it is very simple.
I  told you about my side of the family and your father told you about  his."

 


 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Aad The Pirate]

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

[Rbsanford]

Sven and Ole were fishing in the middle of Skipper Lake, when suddenly Sven caught a huge northern pike. Sven struggled with it for a minute, but the fish was so huge and so strong that it pulled Sven off the boat and into the murky water. Immediately, Ole pulled him out of the water and onto the boat and gave him mouth to mouth. He then thought "Wow, that was pretty bad coffee Sven drank this morning." He looked up and said, "Hey, Sven wasn't wearing a snowmobile suit when he fell out."

[Aad The Pirate]

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. "
He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old  leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[CaptainMike1]

South African Dutchman, Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa.

While on holiday in Australia, he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.

As he sat on the beach looking out to sea, he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.

"Bloody great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
 

"We'd never get away with that at home!!”

 


 

[CaptainMike1]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.


As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Cell phone etiquette, ya think ?

[Aad The Pirate]

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ...   He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "

[Rbsanford]

This one's kind of cheesy...

What has 4 eyes but can't see?

Mississippi

[Rbsanford]

Agreed, in terms of jokes (at least here that is), illnesses, disorders, fatal injuries, etc. is a grey area.

EDIT: the bad joke has been removed, ignore this now irrelevant post.

[dexter7]

That is sick. Out of order. This is not a funny subject.

Agreed

[sadsid (†2016)]

I have removed offending post.

[CaptainMike1]

Charley, a retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

 

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company

and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

 

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

 

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

 

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

 

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."

 

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

 

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

                     

"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"

[Traddles]

Still looks very funny though!

Not really when so many folks are dealing with one or the other of those terrible illnesses. Not at all funny.

[sadsid (†2016)]

Hi Angus
I removed both of the posts .
                                         Eric

[CaptainMike1]

A lady in the pew next to me was saying a prayer. Perhaps we should pray:-

"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years.

You have taken my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician, Michael Jackson.

My favourite singer, Whitney Houston.

My favourite actress, Elizabeth Taylor.

My favourite blues singer, Amy Winehouse.

My favourite jazz pianist, Dave Brubeck.

And now, my favourite sitar player, Ravi Shankar

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are " David Cameron, Ed Miliband, Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Ed Balls, Gordon Brown & John Bercow."

[Captain Cadet]

I was telling everyone a joke about chemistry



There was no reaction! 

[Rbsanford]

Today I told a joke about acids and bases mixing.

Everyone exploded into laughter.

[CaptainMike1]

English Stiff Upper Lip

On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

[CaptainMike1]

RETIRED HUSBAND
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the  restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Help Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department -  twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

 
Yours faithfully,
 
Manager.