Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807419 times)

sydmichel · « **Reply #2275 on:** January 09, 2012, 15:53:21 »

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of beer.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2276 on:** January 17, 2012, 17:02:44 »

Great one, sydmichel

These are great and true

As we begin the year 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally confused now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my behind.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborâ€™s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read this stuff with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2277 on:** January 17, 2012, 18:05:50 »

Very PC

Ralphy · « **Reply #2278 on:** January 28, 2012, 17:42:41 »

Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources interviews him in detail then asks him to wipe a few floors as a test.

"OK," says the interviewer, "you're hired. Just give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the necessary documents."

Bob says that he doesn't have a computer, so obviously has no e-mail address. The Microsoft interviewer tells him that without an e-mail address he virtually doesn't exist, so the company is unable to hire him. Disappointed and frustrated, Bob leaves the building with only 10 dollars in his pocket. He decides to go to the nearest supermarket and buy 10 pounds of tomatoes. He sells the tomatoes door-to-door and within two hours has doubled his capital. He repeats the process three times and ends up with 160 dollars.

Realising that he can make a living this way, Bob works hard from early morning to late at night. Every day, he doubles or even triples his capital. After a short time, he buys a small van, then a truck, and soon he has an entire fleet for his deliveries.

Within 5 years, Bob has established one of the largest food retail chains in the USA. He decides to think about his future and wants to get a financial plan drawn up for himself and his family. He contacts a financial consultant and they compile a pension plan. At the end of the discussion, the consultant asks Bob for his e-mail address in order to send him the corresponding documents, only to hear that Bob still does not own a computer and has no e-mail address.

"That's weird," says the consultant. "You have built up a massive retail empire and you don't even have an e-mail address. Just imagine what you would have achieved if you'd had a computer."

Bob thinks for a minute, then says: "I'd be a janitor at Microsoft."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2279 on:** January 29, 2012, 12:57:50 »

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.â€

saltydog · « **Reply #2280 on:** January 29, 2012, 19:22:03 »

Mr. Botibol is traveling across the ocean in a large ship and wants desperately to win the passenger auction. Each night the captain of the ship estimates the distance that they will cover in 24 hours, and a range of possible numbers are then auctioned off to the guests. Whoever owns the correct number the next day wins the amount of money in the pool. Mr. Botibol notices that the sea has suddenly gotten rough and that this will surely slow down the ship and throw off the captain's estimate. Confident in victory, then, he uses his life savings to win the "low field" number (meaning any number more than 10 less than the estimate). When he wakes up the next morning, though, the sea is calm and the ship is making up for lost time. Mr. Botibol arrives at the desperate conclusion that jumping overboard is the only way to slow down the ship and therefore win the pool. He plans his strategy very deliberately â€“ he will wear light tennis clothes (so he can swim better), he will make sure another person witnesses his "fall" and reports it to the captain, and he will swim as far from the ship as possible so that it must turn completely astern to pick him up. He finds the deck deserted except for one older woman. After talking to her briefly he concludes that she is neither deaf nor blind, and within moments he has plunged into the water screaming for help. The woman acts confused for a moment, then relaxes and watches the small bobbing man get further and further away. At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and admonishes her for "wandering about." The old woman is seemingly a mental patient!
As they leave the deck, she says to her companion: "Such a nice man.. He even waved to me while taking his swim"..

From Roald Dahls "Dip in the pool"..

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #2281 on:** January 30, 2012, 19:07:51 »

Hmm. Can I change the ending, Mr SD

"...He finds the deck deserted except for one older woman. After talking to her briefly he concludes that she is neither deaf nor blind, and within moments he has plunged into the water screaming for help. The woman acts confused for a moment, then relaxes and watches the small bobbing man get further and further away. At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and asks her why she didn't raise the alarm when the poor man fell over board. The old woman replies "because I've bet my life savings on us covering as many (nautical) miles in 24 hours."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2282 on:** January 30, 2012, 21:17:14 »

For what it's worth:
I like the 2nd ending a lot more.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2283 on:** January 31, 2012, 14:10:22 »

Quote from: Stuart2007 on January 30, 2012, 19:07:51

Hmm. Can I change the ending, Mr SD

"...He finds the deck deserted except for one older woman. After talking to her briefly he concludes that she is neither deaf nor blind, and within moments he has plunged into the water screaming for help. The woman acts confused for a moment, then relaxes and watches the small bobbing man get further and further away. At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and asks her why she didn't raise the alarm when the poor man fell over board. The old woman replies "because I've bet my life savings on us covering as many (nautical) miles in 24 hours."

What was the first ending?

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2284 on:** January 31, 2012, 14:36:10 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on January 31, 2012, 14:10:22

What was the first ending?

At the very end of the story, a bony woman comes out to collect the older lady and admonishes her for "wandering about." The old woman is seemingly a mental patient!
As they leave the deck, she says to her companion: "Such a friendly man.. He even waved to me while taking his swim"..

saltydog · « **Reply #2285 on:** January 31, 2012, 16:17:09 »

Indeed, the original ending as told in the story "Dip in the pool" is as I said..
But Stu's ending isn't so bad either..

Here's the episode as shown on tv.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m42HOtTpOmU&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PLBF5245186045112A

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2286 on:** February 06, 2012, 17:16:19 »

Ahoy Shipsim mates,
Now I know that the majority of the forum members are Youngsters who know quite a lot of the Internet abbreviations, a.k.a. Turbolingo.
But those Senior Members like me can teach You a few you for sure never have heard of.
Here we go, and to make it easy for You, I'll give the full meaning too.

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOB - Bring Your Own Bib

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

dexter7 · « **Reply #2287 on:** February 07, 2012, 01:38:40 »

How's this one?

STML - Speak to me louder

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2288 on:** February 07, 2012, 09:40:24 »

Good find

dexter7 · « **Reply #2289 on:** February 08, 2012, 02:03:13 »

Nah, I made it up!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2290 on:** February 10, 2012, 18:08:53 »

"I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car and said, 'I'm not happy'. To which I replied, 'Which one are you then."

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #2291 on:** February 10, 2012, 19:21:23 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on February 10, 2012, 18:08:53

"I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out the other car and said, 'I'm not happy'. To which I replied, 'Which one are you then."

Must be dopey.

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2292 on:** February 10, 2012, 19:23:56 »

I may have already told this one...

so a guy's in a bar when a frog comes up and starts singing a majestic aria. so the guy is really surprised and amazed, goes to the frog's owner and says, "I will pay you $5000 for this frog!" owner says, "done!". then the guy notices a hamster across the room playing on the piano, and it's really good too. he also buys the hamster for a double amount of money and runs excitedly out of the bar. the bartender looks at the owner of the two animals questiongly, and the owner says, "don't worry, the hamster is a marionette too."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2293 on:** February 12, 2012, 15:31:40 »

Are you smarter than a 60 year old ?

REMEMBERED, BUT ............DON'T LOOK BELOW FOR THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE TRIED IT OUT. A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS.
I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'! The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! answer them first.....

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens
would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02.When the Beatles first came to the U.S. .In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03' Get your kicks, ________ __________.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true.
The names have been changed to
___________________.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'

07.Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _________ ______.'

08..Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09.What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always
ended his television show by saying, ' Good Night, and '________ ________.. '

11.Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &_______________.

13.In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.

14..We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and
60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______________.

ANSWERS :
01..The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. ON Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as somehave guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop

Send this to your 'older' friends, (Better known as Seniors.) It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2294 on:** February 12, 2012, 23:32:02 »

Always choose a memorable password !

Hope You all have a good sense of humor. This was just too funny to not share.

A woman helps her husband install a new computer.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, a word that he'll always remember, as the computer asks him to enter it,

He looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word but he is annoyed with her reaction when he selects: penis.

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria .

The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2295 on:** February 13, 2012, 01:35:57 »

Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised.
Old McDonald had a farm, the doctor almost died!

saltydog · « **Reply #2296 on:** February 13, 2012, 09:54:16 »

Here's one I'm sure has been before, but it's just too funny..

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2297 on:** February 13, 2012, 16:44:53 »

there are these two hikers in the woods when they run into an angry bear who immediatly begins to charge. one of the hikers unties his hiking boots, takes them off, and puts on some running shoes. the other hiker says, "are you nuts? you'll never outrun the bear!"

"well I don't need these to outrun the bear, only to outrun you."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2298 on:** February 13, 2012, 17:10:41 »

Subject: Should children witness childbirth?
Good question.
Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his bottom again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2299 on:** February 17, 2012, 16:48:57 »

a man walks off to work one day, but rushes back inside, holding a big pile of dog poop. he says to his wife, "look what I almost stepped in!"

this next one was invented by Ronald Reagan:

it was Christmas morning, and a boy went to the tree to find... a big pile of manure. he yells in delight and instantly begins digging through it. his father comes downstairs and says, "what are you so happy about? this is the worst christmas ever!" the boy says, "well somewhere there's a pony that made all this!"
moral: optimism.

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807419 times)