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[Captain Calmac]

Examination Answers Part 2

Technology
What is a turbine?
                     
                 Sikh

Something a ^ Arab wears on his head.  (had to step in!!)
 

That might be reported as "Discriminative against Sikhs!!" 

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers Part 7

Psychology
What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.

Botany
What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.

Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
 
What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments

To be continued

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers Part 7

Chemistry
What is a supersaturated solution?
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.


Physics
What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.

What is a vacuum?
A large empty space where the pope lives.

What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.

This was the last part.
Ruling from the examination board:
"All students failed, therefore NO scholarschip"

[The Ferry Man]

May I say, I have enjoyed these Examination Answers Aad - they were very good 


one more...

[cptnchris]

May I say, I have enjoyed these Examination Answers Aad - they were very good 


one more...

       I lvoe thjat one. Sometimes I want to twll my math teacher that! 

[Aad The Pirate]

May I say, I have enjoyed these Examination Answers Aad - they were very good  

Ahoy TFM,
Glad you liked them.
Aad

Fancies Of Flight

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1.   From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...”

2.   Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3.   After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

4.   As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5.   After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
 
6.   From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7.   â€œWeather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8.   â€œYour seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9.   â€œAs you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10.   â€œLast one off the plane must clean it.”

11.   From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”

12.   Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13.   Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14.   An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15.   After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

16.   Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."

Finally, one from my personal experience...
On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt."

[Aad The Pirate]

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
 
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
 
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Aad The Pirate]

Great truths that little children have learned

 1 No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
 2 When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3 If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
 4 Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5 You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
 6 Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
 7 Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 8 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
 9 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
And last but for sure not least:
10 The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

[Capt.Pat]

Haha so true 

[Aad The Pirate]

Male vs Female

A teacher of the Spanish language was trying to teach her class that, in opposition with the English Language, a noun could be male or female.
The word house is in Spanish female: “la casa” while the word pencil is male: “el lapiz”
One of the students asked: “Is computer male or female?”
Instead of answering the question, the teacher divided the class in two section, boys and girls and ordered them to decide it for themselves.
Each groupe had to give four reasons for their choice.

The boys decided that the word computer must be, without any doubt, be female: “la computadora” because
1)   only the maker understands the logic
2)   the language computers communicate with each other is incomprehensible to anybody else
3)   even the slightest error is stored in memory to recall later
4)   the moment you got a relation with a computer you spent halve your income on accessoires.......

 
The girls decided that a computer was male: “El computador” because
1)   before you can do anything with him you you have to get him out of his rest position
2)   although they have a lot of information, they can’t think independent
3)   they are esteemed to solve any problem, but most of the time they are the problem themselve
4)   as soon you have chosenn one you realize that if you waited a bit longer you could have a better model


The teacher decleared the girls to be the winners.

[Firestar]

I think this teacher shouldn't be a teacher.

Great one, Aad

Here's a political one..

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
-Conan O'Brien

[Aad The Pirate]

A guy gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is purple. He can't believe it.
The sky is purple.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"

[The Ferry Man]

these are complaints made to a well known Travel agents

I found them on BFe:

http://forums.bfenthusiasts.com/showthread.php?p=97967#post97967

From the Telegraph


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

[Aad The Pirate]

Great find, TFM. 

Great truths that adults have learned:

 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

[freeciv]

I love the airline one! 

[Aad The Pirate]

Great truths about growing old:

 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[PI48895]

Love the travelers complaints.    

[Aad The Pirate]

The four stages of life:

 1) You believe in Santa Claus.

 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 3) You are Santa Claus..

 4) You look like Santa Claus.

[floatboat]

hahahahah perfect christmass joke 

[Aad The Pirate]

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?


Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..

[Cat320DL]

The four stages of life:

 1) You believe in Santa Claus.

 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

 3) You are Santa Claus..

 4) You look like Santa Claus.

LOL good one.

[Aad The Pirate]

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?

They both drop their needles !

[rennie]

 
nice one 

[Aad The Pirate]

Q: What's Christmas called in England ?

A: Yule Britannia !

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?

A: Thanks, I'll never part with it !

[freeciv]

Here's a political one..

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
-Conan O'Brien

I almost died laughing!! Now Obama Care can save me...