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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 807488 times)

CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2500 on: September 21, 2012, 11:57:50 »

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2501 on: September 21, 2012, 21:45:59 »

Two hunters are walking through the forest to their deer stand, when one collapses from a heart attack. The other, amazed there is cell reception, calls 911. The hunter explains it, and says his friend might be dead. The operator says, "Well, first make sure he's dead before you start guessing." A muffled gunshot is heard from the other line. The hunter says, "Okay, now what?"
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2502 on: September 22, 2012, 12:13:04 »

If I was the hunter that was alive, I would have put a suppressor on that gun... lol
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2503 on: September 22, 2012, 13:25:04 »

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2504 on: September 25, 2012, 18:50:08 »

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day', [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

Have a nice Day; and remember, There is always someone else with a Job that is more of a Pain in the Butt than Yours!

If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

 
 
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2505 on: September 25, 2012, 23:57:19 »

Paul: "You know Eddy, they say Friday the 13th is a very unlucky day. Some legends say that monsters and ghosts come out to scare everyone."

Eddy: "Oooh, I hope Halloween will be on Friday the 13th!"
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2506 on: September 26, 2012, 09:13:55 »

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day', [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

Have a nice Day; and remember, There is always someone else with a Job that is more of a Pain in the Butt than Yours!

If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

 
 




Borderline
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2507 on: September 26, 2012, 14:47:52 »

Innocence is priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small USA flags mounted on either side of it.  
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.  "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.  
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

"Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?"
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2508 on: September 28, 2012, 12:22:59 »

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then,

Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining

On him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy.
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2509 on: September 30, 2012, 15:46:38 »

Your very first
Thanksgiving Day Message

Click anywhere on the bold text
« Last Edit: September 30, 2012, 15:48:24 by Aad The Pirate »
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2510 on: September 30, 2012, 18:04:17 »

But it's not even October yet! Well, at least here it's not.
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2511 on: September 30, 2012, 18:39:05 »

But it's not even October yet! Well, at least here it's not.
Will be in one or two days...
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2512 on: September 30, 2012, 19:48:49 »

Gabe Newell was interviewed recently, and was questioned about the long awaited Half-Life 3. He said he had no comment on the project. He said right after that, "But don't be misled. I can count to three. Just watch: one, two... episode one.... uh... episode 2... and I think that's about it..."
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2513 on: October 17, 2012, 10:03:56 »

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. 


A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."   
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2514 on: October 17, 2012, 13:08:05 »

A proton walks into a bar to get an after work drink. After his drink, he asks the bartender how much it will cost. The bartender grins and says, "For you, it's no charge."

A block of gold walks into a bar and the bartender yells at him: "Au! Get outta here!"
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2515 on: October 18, 2012, 12:12:06 »

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2516 on: October 18, 2012, 14:22:21 »

Perfect example of pork barrel spending, salty. :doh:
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2517 on: October 22, 2012, 14:20:22 »

Daily Exercise Routine for Seniors
And those who will join us soon

« Last Edit: October 22, 2012, 14:27:41 by Aad The Pirate »
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2518 on: October 22, 2012, 22:54:39 »

Too lazy to do it with that block, I'll use a Lego block instead.
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2519 on: October 23, 2012, 23:49:55 »

A budder nugget is more suitable.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2520 on: October 24, 2012, 10:28:38 »

Nahh I'll walk around a budder block in minecraft
budder=gold

Great JOKE!!!
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2521 on: October 25, 2012, 22:25:07 »

what joke :P
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2522 on: October 26, 2012, 00:03:58 »

Does anyone want a henway? I have one too many. Henways are great though, they really do everything for you.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2523 on: October 26, 2012, 09:23:55 »

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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2524 on: October 26, 2012, 21:49:15 »

Nobody wants to know what a henway is?
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