Joke of the day

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[Aad The Pirate]

A Few Good Men ?

Getting a new girlfriend is a little like joining the Navy.
You clean up, get a haircut, buy new cloths,
and any important information will be given to you strictly on a need to know basis.

[Dikkay]

I declare that untrue, I didn't have to buy new clothes, I got them for free!

[Stuart2007]

I am only 6 years old and don't understand that, can you explain?

Fair play, Mike... You had me fooled for ages. I really thought you were older than that! You are quite wise for a 6 year old and put a lot of 10 year olds to shame... I hope Santa brings you what you want this year

[CaptainMike1]

Fair play, Mike... You had me fooled for ages. I really thought you were older than that! You are quite wise for a 6 year old and put a lot of 10 year olds to shame... I hope Santa brings you what you want this year

All I want for Christmas is a Titanicfree SSE

Back on topic:

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the Director. Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@&%*~! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~#@#!?*! I am Chinese!" "Yeah yeah yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same", retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor.

"What was that for?" exclaimed the director. "That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.

"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the director.

"Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you are all the same!"

[pusser_uk]

I declare that untrue, I didn't have to buy new clothes, I got them for free!

When I joined in 1963, you even got free underwear too!!   

[CaptainMike1]

When I joined in 1963, you even got free underwear too!!   

Still got them I suppose?

LOL

[CaptainMike1]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says,

"That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,

"That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

[Aad The Pirate]

Things you won't hear a true fisherman say.......

-"Wow, I've never caught a fish that big!"

-"Hey! Let's take our wives fishing!"

-"My truck can't get through that!"

-"Let's go shopping, fishing can wait."

-"Hank, those hip boots make your butt look big and they don't match your belt!"

-"Hey, we don't need to buy those fishing flies Melvin, let's send our wives flowers instead?"

-"I don't think Duct Tape will fix that."

-"I caught all those rainbows on night crawlers."

-"I feel pretty guilty not washing those breakfast dishes before coming out here to fish!"

-"Hey somebody come land this 20" rainbow for me. I need to straighten up the camp."

-"I can't participate in National Hunting and Fishing Day cause my neighbor is throwing a tupperware party and I really need a mixing bowl."

-"I think electronic fish finders should be banned."

-"Come on , man - we can watch bass fishing anytime! Figure skating's on!!"

-"We gotta throw this fish back, I don't think it will fit in the frying pan."

[pusser_uk]

Still got them I suppose?

LOL

Well....ermmm..... No actually, they were very yellow and I could never get them white as was required by the kit inspection team.  I threw them out once I earned enough money to buy my own.   

[CaptainMike1]

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

[Aad The Pirate]

Misdirect Logic

One morning John noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since the ship sank six months ago.

As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad Spambot. In fact she was the most beautiful Spambot he had ever seen.

Arriving on shore the Spambot left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards John. She whispered into John's ear: " I have something you want!"

John broke into a dead run towards to breaking waves, yelling: "Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel!"

[VirtualSkipper]

How do you open a champagne factory?

By throwing a ship to it. 

[CaptainMike1]

A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again. He does it again. He mumbles, "This is great. I was supposed to be home hours ago, and now here I am lost in the forest."

[Aad The Pirate]

Glad to Ear Ya !

A young Naval officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually rose to the rank of Admiral. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the new Admiral was interviewing three people for the position of his personal aide. The first officer was an accomplished submariner, and it was a great interview. At the end the Admiral asked him: "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered: "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Spambot Squadron Supply Officer, and she was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The Admiral asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied: "Well, sir, you have no ears." The Admiral threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Navy Chief Petty Officer. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two officers combined. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Chief said: "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses." The Admiral was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Chief Petty Officer, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the Admiral asked. The sharp-witted Chief replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
The Admiral is still searching for an aide.

[CaptainMike1]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal..

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Aad The Pirate]

Grab Those Puppies!

The Spambot quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep.

More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms: "Are you carrying puppies in there?",

Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the Spambot replied: " Why yes, yes they are.” She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her: "If you're giving them away I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

[Aad The Pirate]

Anchors Away !!

The old diesel-submarine was headed out to sea from Pearl Harbor when the Captain yells to a green seaman on the bow to "house the anchor". The seaman understood the captain was saying "How is the anchor?" So the seaman responded: "The anchor is fine."

After several attempts to get the seaman to understand, the frustrated Captain said: "Oh hell let it go!" At which time the seaman knocks the chock out of the anchor chain. The anchor and 600 fathoms of chain roars out of the boat and when it reaches the end, takes out the bulkhead.

[Aad The Pirate]

Indubitably My Good Watson, Pass the Bate !

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a fishing trip. They had gone night fishing and were lying on the deck, lines in the water looking up at the sky.
Holmes said: "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our bimini top!"

[saltydog]

Here's a funny thing:
Because foreign ships fish so much, local fishers turn to pirates..
Because of pirates, foreign fishings ships stay away..
Because no more foreign fishing ships, now plenty of fish..

[Aad The Pirate]

Age is a State Of Mind ... I Think !

The captain of the whaler found himself in need of a lookout on short notice. The ship was scheduled to return to the hunt the next day and the owner of the whaler was very demanding and unpleasant when disappointed.

The captain put out the word that a sharp-eyed lookout was needed and any candidates should report to the ship that evening at 1700 hours sharp.

At the appointed time the captain arrived on deck finding only one candidate onboard; a very old looking man. "How old are you?", asked the captain.

" I'm eighty years old last November and I have the sharpest eyes in town." said the old man. "Is that so?", laughed the captain. Knowing he could not read it himself, he said, "Tell me old man what does that sign say on the dock across the bay?"

The old man said, " No fishing by order of the constable." The captain was shocked when he verified it using his telescope. That was exactly what the sign read!

"Well, that's all well and good", said the captain, "but you'll never be able to get to the crow's-nest being a man of advanced years." With that the old man took off and traversed up the mast, slapped the crow's-nest and returned to the deck in front of a totally shocked captain. "You're hired!" yelled the captain, "I have never been so impressed with a seaman than I am with you on this day. Report for duty, ready to ship out at dawn."

The next morning after the old man had reported for duty, the ship's helmsman and harpooner visited the captain's cabin and expressed concern about the captain's new hire. "He's an old man", said the harpooner, "he'll never see the whales and I'll not know where to aim!" "Yes", said the helmsman, "and he must be too feeble to climb the mast to give me a heading to steer!" "Fear not", said the captain, " That old man is one of the best candidates for lookout I have ever seen. He'll do just fine."


The whaler was out on the very next day and ready for action when the shout came from the crow's-nest, "Whaaaaale Ho!". Excitedly the captain yelled, " Great job lookout, in what direction does the whale swim?" There was no answer. Again the captain yelled, " what direction should the helmsman steer?" After a pause the answer came back,..... " I forget."

[CaptainMike1]

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

[Aad The Pirate]

 

Your Reservation Please !

I'm not saying that Paul and John failed to properly clean up after their regular boating trips but the local restaurant that they frequented, started getting reservations requesting the "No Fishing" section!

[CaptainMike1]

 

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.....

[Aad The Pirate]

A Pool for My Baby

The rich tycoon bought a luxury yacht for his only daughter upon her graduation.

It was large and even had its own onboard pool. The tycoon dad brought the daughter aboard for the first time for a tour of the boat. The last thing to see was the pool.

All around the pool were shirtless ship construction workers finishing up some painting.

The daughter clasped her hands and screeched, " Oh, daddy it's a wonderful pool and you've even stocked it for me!"

[CaptainMike1]

 

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill; so the doctor gave him another six months