Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807582 times)

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1425 on:** November 28, 2009, 00:59:16 »

We'll call her hazel

When it came time for the child to be baptised Doolan proudly stood by the font in St Anne's church.

'Now,' said Father Francis, 'and what are we going to name the little one?'

'Hazel,' said Doolan, with a smile.

'Lord save us,' moaned the priest. 'All the saints in heaven, and you're calling her after a nut!'

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1426 on:** November 28, 2009, 10:43:15 »

My wife is having a baby

The phone went in the hospital casualty department.

'Hello,' said a frantic voice. 'It's Mick Doolan here. Can you come quickly, my wife is having a baby.'

'I see,' said the receptionist. 'And is this her first child?'

'No,' said Doolan, 'this is her husband speaking.'

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1427 on:** November 28, 2009, 13:50:56 »

Problem No. 5
How to fix foggy windscreen

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1428 on:** November 28, 2009, 14:47:01 »

The new mercedes

The Cassidy twins had bought a secondhand Mercedes car and were taking Joe O'Driscoll for a spin. As they sped down O'Connell Street, Joe said from the back seat:

'I say, boys, what's that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?'

Pat Cassidy, realising he meant the Mercedes logo, decided to have some sport.

'Oh that,' he said, 'that's a target isn't it, Finbar?' 'Oh yes,' said Finbar, 'and a great target it is too!' Target?' said O'Driscoll. Target for what?' 'Well,' replied Finbar. 'It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!' 'Never!' spluttered O'Driscoll. True,' said Pat Cassidy. 'Just wait a tick and I'll show you.' Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Pat drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.

'See what I mean?' he grinned. 'Good, eh?' 'No good at all,' said O'Driscoll. 'Sure if I hadn't opened the back door we wouldn't have hit him at all!'

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #1429 on:** November 28, 2009, 15:03:15 »

Hahah I remember posting that one aaaggggessss ago, Funny joke...I was looking for it again to memorise it and tell it to friends, I burst out laughing when I first saw that...Hilarious

Jack.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1430 on:** November 28, 2009, 15:25:59 »

Quote from: IRI5HJ4CK on November 28, 2009, 15:03:15

Hahah I remember posting that one aaaggggessss ago, Funny joke...I was looking for it again to memorise it and tell it to friends, I burst out laughing when I first saw that...Hilarious

Jack.

http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg159649/topicseen.html#msg159649

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1431 on:** November 28, 2009, 17:04:05 »

Accident with a Texan

Murphy was driving the horse and trap home from the pub on a warm summer's evening. Beside him sat Toby the labrador, great guard dog and constant friend. Suddenly the still of the evening was rent by a tremendous engine noise and round the tight bend in the country lane came a huge Mercedes car doing at least seventy miles an hour. Behind the wheel sat a red-faced Texan who chewed a fat cigar and drummed his fat fingers on the dashboard in time to the ear-splitting quadrophonic car radio. Too late the American realised he couldn't pass Murphy and the cart on the narrow tarmac strip - too late he realised he should have braked thirty yards ago.

Too late the Mercedes car smashed into the cart scattering horse, dog and Murphy to various points of the compass.

As Murphy lay in a daze bemoaning his fate, he saw the Texan go over to the stricken horse. Realising its legs were broken the Yank drew out a .45 pistol and shot the beast dead. Going over to Toby the dog, it was obvious that its back was broken - 'bang', a second shot rang out, ending Toby's misery.

With that the big Texan came over to Murphy.

'Hey buddy, are you all right?' he asked.

'As God is my judge,' muttered ashen-faced Murphy, 'I've never felt better in my life!'

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1432 on:** November 28, 2009, 18:57:50 »

Problem No. 6
Considering the amount of Dollars/Pound/Euro's etc. any cardealer will rip you off just for fixing a broken light ................

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1433 on:** November 29, 2009, 12:59:40 »

English counterfeiters

Two English counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine-looking notes - Â£50, Â£20, Â£10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot. Much wants more, and they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny. Among the jumble they came upon a perfectly fine note - watermarked, queen's head in exactly the right place. The only trouble was that the amount shown was Â£18.

'Never mind,' said Brown, the bossman. 'We'll unload it when we're over in Ireland.'

And so they took the note with them and, whilst in Kerry, they entered a corner shop to dispense with it.

'Excuse me,' said Brown to shopkeeper Casey. 'Have you got change for an Â£18 note?'

'Indeed, sir,' said Casey. 'And would you like three sixes or two nines?'

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1434 on:** November 29, 2009, 17:24:15 »

Problem No. 7
You wanna bake a cake in a hurry, but your standard kitchen mixer turns much to slow?

Kapn Jonah · « **Reply #1435 on:** November 30, 2009, 03:41:10 »

I wonder if that would work!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1436 on:** November 30, 2009, 10:50:27 »

Quote from: Kapn Jonah on November 30, 2009, 03:41:10

I wonder if that would work!

You'll never know unless you try it! Do it in the garden first though!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1437 on:** November 30, 2009, 20:33:46 »

Problem No. 8
If you wanna have a hot bath, but run out of hot water .....................

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1438 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:10:53 »

That's not funny on a JOKE thread:
All attachments are gone, and uploading a new one has NO result at all

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1439 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:13:24 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 22:10:53

That's not funny on a JOKE thread:
All attachments are gone, and uploading a new one has NO result at all

Is the attachments still not working?

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1440 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:15:23 »

Don't know 'bout other threads, but on this one

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1441 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:17:13 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 22:15:23

Don't know 'bout other threads, but on this one

It may be this thread - maybe PM mark and see what he says

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1442 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:21:34 »

Quote from: The Ferry Man on December 01, 2009, 22:17:13

It may be this thread - maybe PM mark and see what he says

All UPLOADED attachments, also on other threads (Picture of the Month) are gone. I did send Mark a PM, though no answer yet

eviss · « **Reply #1443 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:22:24 »

Hoi Guys,

It is all over in the old posts.

Quote from: The Ferry Man on December 01, 2009, 22:17:13

It may be this thread - maybe PM mark and see what he says

I did PM Mark with an example. If you post the same attachment now again, then it WORKS.

That I just saw in another thread !

vr. gr. / kind regards, Erik

firestar12 · « **Reply #1444 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:24:42 »

Oh no! I'm sure it's because of the ~~hackers~~

I mean...
I'm sure it's because the servers were shut down for some hours.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1445 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:36:42 »

Quote from: eviss on December 01, 2009, 22:22:24

Hoi Guys,

It is all over in the old posts.

I did PM Mark with an example. If you post the same attachment now again, then it WORKS.

That I just saw in another thread !

vr. gr. / kind regards, Erik

PM OEPS sorry

Not here http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220080.html#msg220080 . Just uploaded the same one again. just a red x

Mark replied, the staff will give it some attention.
Nevertheless, her's one without pictures:

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction .

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and last but not least.....

WRINKLES:
Something other people have . . . . .. .
similar to my character lines

eviss · « **Reply #1446 on:** December 01, 2009, 22:40:34 »

Hoi Aad,

IT IS THERE !

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 22:36:42

Not here http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220080.html#msg220080 . Just uploaded the same one again. just a red x

It looks like the old links are not realy connected anymore, since the offline periode.

New posts with attachment do WORK !

vr. gr. / kind regards Erik

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1447 on:** December 01, 2009, 23:44:29 »

Well, here we go.
Problem No. 9
Another job you could do yourself instead letting a garage rip you off

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1448 on:** December 01, 2009, 23:47:13 »

Quote from: eviss on December 01, 2009, 22:40:34

Hoi Aad,

IT IS THERE !

It looks like the old links are not realy connected anymore, since the offline periode.

New posts with attachment do WORK !

vr. gr. / kind regards Erik

Ahoy eviss,
With new posts you mean New posts in New Threads? Because in this thread it still dosn't work. See this one: http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220347.html#msg220347
Regards
Aad

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1449 on:** December 01, 2009, 23:47:45 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on December 01, 2009, 23:47:13

Ahoy eviss,
With new posts you mean New posts in New Threads? Because in this thread it still dosn't work. See this one: http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg220347.html#msg220347
Regards
Aad

The Pringle tube? I see it??

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807582 times)

firestar12