Joke of the day

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[CaptainMike1]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

[Aad The Pirate]

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner.
One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool”.
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool”.
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool”.
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
 â€I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”

[CaptainMike1]

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'

[CaptainMike1]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it  start?"

[Aad The Pirate]

Answering Machine Messages

•   Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.
•   Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So, can you talk to it instead?
•   Hi, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
•   Hi! Tom’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
•   Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they’ll get back to you.
•   This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I’ll think about returning your call.
•   Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message and, if I don’t call you back, it’s you.
•   Hi, this is George. I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call back.
•   Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
•   Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right slowly. So leave a message and, when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

[PI48895]

What do you call a really slow Jamaican?

Pokey, Mon.


What do you call a Ninja Pokemon?

Quiet-choo.
 

[Aad The Pirate]

So that sailor comes into that shady harbour bar, orders a pint and looks around.
He sees that large blackboard on the wall behind the counter and to his surprise he reads:
"Tomorrow free beer!"
He pays his pint and leaves, only to return the next day with half of his ships crew following him.
They all drink a lot and then want to leave without paying.
The barowner then shouts : "Hey, how about paying for your drinks?"
The first sailor point to the blackboard where the same message is still written on.
On what the barowner replies: "Can't you read? It says TOMORROW"

[rennie]

i got one i dont know if its posted yet but

knock knock
whos there
irish stew
irish stew who
ireshtew on ze name of ze law

[Aad The Pirate]

Scotch with two drops of water.

A  lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders  a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the  bartender gives her the drink she  says,

'I'm  on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and  it's today.....'

The  bartender says, 'Well, since it's your  birthday,  I'll buy you a drink.  In  fact, this one is on me.'

As  the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her  right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink,  too.'

The  old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I  want a Scotch with two drops of  water...'

'Coming  up,' says the bartender

As  she finishes that drink, the man to her left  says, 'I would like to buy you one,  too.'

The  old woman says, 'Thank you...  Bartender, I  want another Scotch with two drops of  water.'

'Coming  right up,' the bartender  says.

As  he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,   I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch  with only two drops of  water?'

The  old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my  age, you've learned how to hold your  liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a  whole other issue.'

[PI48895]

What's Italian, really fast, and made of cheese?





A Limberghini.

[Aad The Pirate]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s to heavy to hold him up any longer.”

[PI48895]

 
Ugh.

[PI48895]

WARNING!  This joke makes anatomical references to canine privates.


A guy takes his retriever back to the breeder and asks for a refund.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the breeder.
The guy lifts up the dog's tail and points to his anus.  "You see that?" he says.  "That's too big.  Every time he jumps in the water to retrieve a duck he fills up like an empty bottle and I have to jump in after him and pull him out to keep him from drowning."
The breeder takes a look at the dog's anus.  He reaches under and twists the dogs testicles.  The dog gives a yelp and the anus puckers shut.
"Idiot," says the breeder.  "You had him adjusted for quail." 

[Aad The Pirate]

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this was included in the brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, Foreplay 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 2.4.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help please?

[freeciv]

Ha! that ones good! 

[Aad The Pirate]

Defining Calories:

Calories are the little beasts that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
 
My Closet is infested with them!!!

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers

Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.

English
Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
 
What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.

To be Continued

[Chitch]

Why can't ghosts get pregnant??

They all have Hollow-Weeners!

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers Part 2

Technology
What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.

 
History
What is Britain’s highest award for valour in war?
Nelson’s column.


To be continued

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers Part 3

Geography

Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 
What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
 
Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they brake wind. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
 
What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.
 
What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
 
What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

To be continued

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they brake wind. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

Hahah!!

Titanic Management consultant to crewmember
Consultant: To confirm, are we short of lifebelts or lifeboats?
Crewmember: Both, Sir.
Consultant. Excellent, we've made savings across the board.

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers Part 4

Biology

What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.

What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby.

What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.

Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors.

To be continued

[lolmax123]

IVE GOT A JOKE **** *** nono no just messin
i was in a tax building going to the 15 floor 15 other people came n the elevator with me how many people got of at floor 15
none

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers Part 5

Sociology

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
 
What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.

To be continued

[Aad The Pirate]

Examination Answers Part 6

Medical

What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.
 
What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.

What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person’s chest or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
 
What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
 
What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.

How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.

What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.

To be continued