Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807442 times)

Gernot1971 · « **Reply #2475 on:** July 16, 2012, 10:09:56 »

Quote from: Rbsanford on June 16, 2012, 22:53:34

A man dies and goes up to heaven. but God says, "Now I will give you the choice of either going to heaven or to hell. But first I will show you what each one looks like." So first God shows the man heaven. It's a big, bright white place above the clouds where everyone flies around, hangs out with friends, family, and celebrities, and the man thinks its okay. Then he's showed hell; it's a white sandy tropical beach with turquoise water, and there are many beautiful girls and he's lounging in a comfy chair sipping an ice-cold beer. So after God shows him around, the man says "Now heaven was nice, but hell was even better! I wanna go there!".

A few days pass, and God decides to pay the man a visit in hell. He's slaving in fields of fire and lava while hideous demons whip and torment him. The man says, "God, what happened to the beach with the girls and the beer?" God says, "That was the screen-saver."

Quote from: Rbsanford on July 16, 2012, 03:33:31

Dexy, the beach in your profile pic looks a lot like the screensaver in hell.

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on July 16, 2012, 09:57:34

Not sure what sort of joke this is meant to be?

That's the story CaptainMike1.

dexter7 · « **Reply #2476 on:** July 17, 2012, 07:32:17 »

Quote from: Rbsanford on July 16, 2012, 03:33:31

Dexy, the beach in your profile pic looks a lot like the screensaver in hell.

but no girls drinking beer.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2477 on:** July 17, 2012, 09:25:55 »

Quote from: dexter7 on July 17, 2012, 07:32:17

but no girls drinking beer.

Great joke ROTFLOL!!!

dexter7 · « **Reply #2478 on:** July 18, 2012, 19:22:12 »

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2479 on:** July 18, 2012, 19:44:54 »

dexy, this should be your new picture:

the girls may be absent, but at least there's beer.

dexter7 · « **Reply #2480 on:** July 19, 2012, 02:50:29 »

Nah... I don't like beer... Guess why? I'm only 14.

Now let's get back to the jokes.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2481 on:** July 19, 2012, 09:23:08 »

Quote from: dexter7 on July 19, 2012, 02:50:29

Now let's get back to the jokes.

Well said

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2482 on:** July 21, 2012, 09:49:08 »

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate'
in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was
fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chest is so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried...

dexter7 · « **Reply #2483 on:** July 23, 2012, 16:29:05 »

That's nice to say. lol
Can I rate it? if so 9/10
Wait a second
didn't Aad the Pirate do this one before?
http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg136353/topicseen.html#msg136353

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2484 on:** August 01, 2012, 10:26:07 »

New Password

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2485 on:** August 01, 2012, 18:32:18 »

Kid's are wise this days, aren't they?

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2486 on:** August 01, 2012, 19:49:56 »

A bus full of Army recruits arrives at a boot camp. Once all the recruits are off the bus, the drill sergeant asks everyone, "Who here has the best musical skills?" Four raise their hands, looking for an easy job. The sergeant notices them and says, "Good, then you get to move the pianos."

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #2487 on:** August 02, 2012, 14:18:38 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on July 19, 2012, 09:23:08

Well said

After 100 pages of drivel, I think it's a bit late for that...

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2488 on:** August 04, 2012, 09:50:46 »

Irish Road Accident

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2489 on:** August 04, 2012, 16:41:37 »

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are at a restaurant. The waiter says, "Excuse me, there currently is a shortage of steak, so that item is off the menu."

The Texan says, "Whats a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Whats a steak?"

And the New Yorker says, "Whats 'Excuse me'?"

Second Mate · « **Reply #2490 on:** August 11, 2012, 22:06:54 »

two women sitting together silent.......

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2491 on:** August 12, 2012, 17:52:19 »

http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/5852

LOL

Second Mate · « **Reply #2492 on:** August 13, 2012, 21:23:40 »

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2493 on:** August 14, 2012, 16:32:28 »

Apple update! Hope it passes the test?

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2494 on:** August 14, 2012, 18:40:06 »

Apple Apple Apple...

They could take a normal pencil, paint it white, slap an Apple logo on it, and put it in some hi-tech packaging and they could sell it for $1000 and everyone would buy it.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2495 on:** August 16, 2012, 09:51:43 »

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table

because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything

inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;

everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those

guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and

when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no

balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the

mouth and the bum - and they are interchangeable'

Captain Cadet · « **Reply #2496 on:** August 28, 2012, 16:02:53 »

during a quite funaral service in the yorkshire countrey side the vicer said "let there be peace"
next moment armed police are running in with the army and a bomb squad and got everyone to walk out with hands on there heads.
each person asked where was the bomb .
the vicer said "what bomb?"
police said " we had a tip off that there was a bomb in the church"
vicer "what!? its a funural service for mr w. bomb."

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2497 on:** August 28, 2012, 17:13:58 »

An old man was crying on a bus stop bench. Another old man sat next to him and said, "Why are you crying?" The sad man says, "I have a ton of money, a huge house, a cool car, and a beautiful wife."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I forgot where I live!"

dexter7 · « **Reply #2498 on:** September 05, 2012, 21:18:49 »

I wrote a book on helium, it flew off the shelves.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2499 on:** September 19, 2012, 16:47:47 »

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, â€œWe'll lie and say we only found two!â€

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807442 times)

Second Mate

Second Mate