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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 804509 times)

Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1125 on: July 17, 2009, 16:34:17 »

The Fast-Track to Success!

The commercial fisherman's daughter married a young man who didn't seem to be qualified to do anything. Concerned that the young man could not adequately care for his daughter, the father gave his new son-in-law half ownership in his very profitable fishing business.

One evening the fisherman, pleased with his own magnanimous gesture that assured his daughter's future, asked the young man if there was anything else he could do to help out the newlyweds. The young man said, " No thanks dude! I'm thinking of selling out and retiring!"
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capn_cal

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1126 on: July 17, 2009, 19:41:31 »

good one  ;D
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1127 on: July 17, 2009, 19:56:44 »

A novice fisherman was lost. Maneuvering his Jon Boat close to another fisherman's boat he shouted: "Excuse me sir, I promised my wife that I would be home on time and I'm afraid I don't know where I am. Can you help me?"

The other fisherman replied: "Sure, You are on a lake. You're in a Jon boat with a 20 HP gas outboard motor. You are between 35 and 36 degrees north latitude and between 80 and 81 degrees west longitude in about 18 feet of water."

"You must be a republican," said the novice.

"I am and proud of it," said the other fisherman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the novice, "everything you've told me may be technically correct, but certainly not responsive to the intent of my question and my current need. I have no idea what to make of what you just said and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all and now I'm going to be late getting home!"

The other fisherman responded: "You must be a democrat."

"I am and I'm proud of it," replied the novice, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the other fisherman, "you don't know where you are or how to get where you want to go. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you were lost and in danger of being late getting home before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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TJK

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1128 on: July 19, 2009, 18:48:47 »

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1129 on: July 19, 2009, 19:04:27 »

ROFLOL  ;D  ;D  ;D

Daddy Who?

Sailing from Island to Island in the Bahamas was a dream come true for the Walker family. At one of the many stops five year old Paula asked her mother, "What was the name of the last Island we visited?"

Her mother, busy with stowing a sail said, " I'm not sure dear, is it important?"

"Maybe" , said Paula, " I'm thinking it might be.

"Why do you think so?", asked her Mother.

" Because that's where Daddy got left behind!"
« Last Edit: July 19, 2009, 19:07:33 by Aad The Pirate »
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TJK

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1130 on: July 20, 2009, 01:25:46 »

Daddy, how was I born ?

Daddy, how was I born ?  Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!  Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
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Cat320DL

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1131 on: July 20, 2009, 01:53:36 »

lol :2thumbs:
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RJS87

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1132 on: July 20, 2009, 22:37:06 »

What would you get when tupac wasn't born in a ghetto, but would be an educated sailor instead???

TUG LIFE  :captain:
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1133 on: July 20, 2009, 22:53:03 »

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
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RJS87

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1134 on: July 20, 2009, 23:03:05 »

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


HAHAHA :D really like that one!!!!
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TJK

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1135 on: July 20, 2009, 23:22:52 »

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
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TJK

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1136 on: July 20, 2009, 23:43:42 »

The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1137 on: July 20, 2009, 23:49:31 »

Close Enough !


The Ship's Cook and the First Mate were in the process of interviewing a potential Assistant Cook candidate. Wanting to make sure that the ship's store would be in good hands and not wasted, they devised a test.

They asked the candidate, "If you had to make breakfast for six sailors and only had three eggs in the galley, how many more eggs would you have to pull from the ship's store?"

"Three", said the candidate.

The cook turned to the first mate and whispered, " He'll do fine. He only missed it by two!"
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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1138 on: July 21, 2009, 00:20:59 »

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

roflol
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


that golfer may go bankrupt!  :2thumbs:
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Stuart2007

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  • Posts: 6201
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1139 on: July 21, 2009, 07:28:10 »

Close Enough !

"Three", said the candidate.

The cook turned to the first mate and whispered, " He'll do fine. He only missed it by two!"



Aad, sorry. I'm sure I'm being dense here, but I didn't get the punchline... ???
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CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1140 on: July 21, 2009, 09:12:37 »

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The
eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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TJK

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1141 on: July 21, 2009, 10:47:11 »

I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer ,puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

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TJK

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1142 on: July 21, 2009, 11:02:35 »

Here are some police jokes, have fun :lol:

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the guy argued. The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs." The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?" The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1143 on: July 21, 2009, 13:58:08 »

I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer ,puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in the film "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.


i liked the last one down better but still  :2thumbs:
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RJS87

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  • Posts: 125
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1144 on: July 21, 2009, 14:44:56 »

LMAO :P.... nice jokes man :P..
i hope i'll be called by a telemarketeer soon :P
« Last Edit: July 21, 2009, 19:41:38 by RJS87 »
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Wave Music

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  • Posts: 4767
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1145 on: July 21, 2009, 17:06:53 »

Better replace that with "LMAO" next time ;)


The coast guard, on a tight budget...
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keep it gnarly

capn_cal

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1146 on: July 21, 2009, 20:34:26 »

lol
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1147 on: July 21, 2009, 20:57:38 »

The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of coffee.
As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said: "It looks like rain."

Upset the cook yelled at the sailor: "For the last time, it's coffee!"
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Cat320DL

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  • Posts: 651
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1148 on: July 21, 2009, 21:22:33 »

lol
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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #1149 on: July 21, 2009, 21:51:09 »

The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of coffee.
As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said: "It looks like rain."

Upset the cook yelled at the sailor: "For the last time, it's coffee!"
rofl
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