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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 804550 times)

TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #900 on: June 03, 2009, 18:35:08 »

The Police have stated that he is expected to make a full recovery once his broken legs are mended and other parts of him are located and stitched back on.
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CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #901 on: June 04, 2009, 10:15:44 »

The Police have stated that he is expected to make a full recovery once his broken legs are mended and other parts of him are located and stitched back on.

ROTFLOL

 :doh:
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IRI5HJ4CK

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #902 on: June 04, 2009, 16:56:03 »

Three days ago, the local Police Station was robbed of its toilets....police say they have nothing to go on.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2009, 16:57:50 by IRI5HJ4CK »
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #903 on: June 04, 2009, 16:56:57 »

Lego or Logo?
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IRI5HJ4CK

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  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #904 on: June 04, 2009, 16:58:17 »

Lego or Logo?

Haha, I don't know why I put lego :doh: *ahem* Local.

Jack :lol:
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #905 on: June 04, 2009, 17:00:34 »

Maybe you have Lego police in Fleetwood?

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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IRI5HJ4CK

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  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #906 on: June 04, 2009, 17:03:06 »

We are very advanced in Fleetwood Mike :lol:



Jack :lol: :lol: :D
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

CaptainMike1

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  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #907 on: June 04, 2009, 17:04:47 »

So it was a joke after all!!

http://www.usacops.com/pa/p19522/index.html

I thought you were in Lancs not Berks!

ROTFLOL
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IRI5HJ4CK

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  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #908 on: June 04, 2009, 17:07:41 »

Ahhhh! :o My secret is unvailed :lol:

Check my flag :lol:

Jack.
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #909 on: June 04, 2009, 17:12:08 »

A man in jail for a robbery was visited by his wife. "This is the time of year I'd be planting potatoes in the back garden," he said. "Well, I have no time to dig up the garden," replied his wife. "Don't you worry about that," he said. All you'll have to do is plant them just wait and see." After she had gone, he wrote her a letter: "Dear Mary, There is some stuff buried in the back garden that should be passed on to the boys. Can you see to it for me? Love, Michael."
The following day, a group of policemen descended on the back garden with spades, dug it all over, found nothing, and went away.
The day after that, she planted the potatoes.

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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #910 on: June 04, 2009, 23:14:41 »

Two men struck up a conversation in a hotel lobby. Both felt a quick friendship growing.
The first man said, "would you like to go into the bar, have a drink and a fine cigar?"
"No thanks", replied the other," I tried drinking once and didn't like it. I also tried smoking once and didn't like it either".
"That's fine", said the first man, "listen, I have some time and the ocean is nearby let's rent a boat and go do some fishing".
"No, I tried boating once but didn't like it. I also tried fishing once. I didn't catch anything and didn't like it", explained the other. "However, my son will be along soon and I'm sure he would like to go fishing."
The first man looked at his new acquaintance and remarked, "Your only son, no doubt!"
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IRI5HJ4CK

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  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #911 on: June 05, 2009, 07:39:59 »

Common Sailing Terms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

The Ferry Man

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  • Posts: 10787
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #912 on: June 05, 2009, 10:45:43 »

 :lol:

Some good "nautical term" explanations.  :thumbs:

CaptainMike1

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 3517
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #913 on: June 05, 2009, 13:21:28 »

Very good Jack!

 :captain:
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IRI5HJ4CK

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  • Posts: 4256
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #914 on: June 05, 2009, 16:41:51 »

I thought you'd like that one :lol:

Jack.
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #915 on: June 05, 2009, 16:58:44 »

The Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone.
Finally a faint reply crackled over the static: "I'm executive vice president of Microsoft - please hurry!"

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capn_cal

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  • Posts: 529
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #916 on: June 06, 2009, 13:37:15 »

Common Sailing Terms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower, tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/ rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation (usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

Jack :lol: :D :lol:
thats pretty good and funny  :2thumbs: ;D ;D
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i don't know what to say on here so i'm typing what i'm typing now because i can't think of what else to type

TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #917 on: June 06, 2009, 13:48:15 »

Aad was sitting on a bench near the waterside along Willemsplein, when a young man sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... red, green, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that Aad was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Aad replied, "I got incredibly drunk once. I was so plastered that I had no idea what I was doing."

"So?" said the young man. "So have lots of people. "What about it?"

"Well, " said Aad, "When I sobered up, I found that I had married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #918 on: June 06, 2009, 18:58:49 »

Ahoy Terry,
I will have a good hearty word with my wife about that last one ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php?topic=10830.msg178084#msg178084 ). You must have heard that from her. How can she tell you our 'Bed-Secrets'  :-[
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TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #919 on: June 06, 2009, 19:38:34 »

It was when Dana and I met you in Rotterdam last time.... (I'm there again with Ballast tomorrow and Monday)  :thumbs:
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firestar12

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #920 on: June 06, 2009, 20:37:38 »

Aad was sitting on a bench near the waterside along Willemsplein, when a young man sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... red, green, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that Aad was staring at him.

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Aad replied, "I got incredibly drunk once. I was so plastered that I had no idea what I was doing."

"So?" said the young man. "So have lots of people. "What about it?"

"Well, " said Aad, "When I sobered up, I found that I had married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
:D
Good stuff, good stuff. ;D
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Aad The Pirate

  • Forum member
  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #921 on: June 06, 2009, 20:51:01 »

Your Turn!

No one in the town could catch as many fish as Paul. The game warden asked him how he did it. Paul told the game warden that he would be happy to take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake Paul took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating. Paul took out a net and scooped up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal and that, as much as he hated it , he had to arrest him!

Paul took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said, "are you going to talk or fish?!"

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TerryRussell

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #922 on: June 06, 2009, 21:12:28 »

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Will it cross it before he's old?
Ah Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #923 on: June 07, 2009, 14:38:12 »

Since their boss was an avid yachtsman, everyone in the office chipped in to buy him a sextant for a birthday present.
Henderson volunteered to make the purchase, and when he learned the marine supply store was out of stock, he phoned the local sporting goods store.
When he burst out laughing and hung up, a co-worker asked what was so funny.
"They transferred my call," Henderson explained, "and when I asked the woman who answered if they had a sextant, she said they had all kind of tents and what I did in them was my business."
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Welc0me1

  • Guest
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #924 on: June 08, 2009, 01:49:25 »

Your Turn!

No one in the town could catch as many fish as Paul. The game warden asked him how he did it. Paul told the game warden that he would be happy to take him fishing the next day.

Once they got to the middle of the lake Paul took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating. Paul took out a net and scooped up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal and that, as much as he hated it , he had to arrest him!

Paul took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said, "are you going to talk or fish?!"



 Hahahahahahahahaha ;D ;D ;D Very funny

 I have one...
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If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

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