Joke of the day

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[CaptainMike1]

New one then:

Husband comes home from Church,
Greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

 

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

 

Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens..."

[firestar12]

New one then:

Husband comes home from Church,
Greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

 

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,
"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

 

Out of breath the husband replies,
"No, he said we must carry our burdens..."

ROTFLOL!!!!

[Aad The Pirate]

The ticket
A traffic-cop stops a car on the highway.
"Good day, sir, we registered Your speed at 90 m/h and on this part of the road ther's a limit of 65m'h."
The driver reacts: "But that's impossible, officer, I had the cruise-control on at 60 m/h, maybe Your radar equippment is out of order?" 

The drivers wife, sitting next to him dosn't even stop knitting while she says: "Don't be silly, honey. You know that this car don't has a cruise control".

While the ticket is been written, the driver says between his teeth: "Why can't You hold Your mouth, just for once". 
His wife, still smiling: Be happy that Your radar-Detector was not on.

While the second ticket is written for that illegal detector the guy looks at his wife and grows: Do me a big favour and SHUT UP.

The officer frowns and is noticing that the driver isn't wearing his safety-belt.

The driver explains that he just did the belt off for reaching in his hip-pocket for his drivers licence.

His wife says: "But honey, You know better than me that You never wear that belt".

While the third ticket is been written the driver almost explodes while shouting to his wife: Why don't you put Your foot in that big hole of You that You call a mouth". 

The officer looks at the Spambot and asks: Does he always talk to You like that, madam?

She replies: "Oh no, officer, only when he's drunk".
 
 
 

[CaptainMike1]

ROTFLOL

Here's a sort of sing a long with Ray Stevens

'If I get stuck on you'

http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/SOY.htm

[RMSGreatBritain]

Ok heres one:

A rich businessman leaves his home one day for work. However hes forgotten his lunch so he rings home so that his wife can drop it off for him. When he rings, he gets through to the maid, and so he asks the maid where his wife is. She replies: 'She's upstairs in her bedroom with a man, I hink tis her husband'
'But Im her husband' replied the businessman. The businessman is angry, He thinks his wife is having an affair. so he asks the maid 'How would you like to make £25,000?'
The maid says 'sure, what do I have to do?'
'Go up there and kill the pair of them' So the maid kills the wife and the man, and returns to the phone.
'What shall I do with the bodies?' asks the maid
'dump them in the swimming pool' Replies the businessman
'But you dont have a swimming pool' replied the maid,
'hang on have I got the right number?'......

[saltydog]

LOL..Good one..

[firestar12]

Ok heres one:

A rich businessman leaves his home one day for work. However hes forgotten his lunch so he rings home so that his wife can drop it off for him. When he rings, he gets through to the maid, and so he asks the maid where his wife is. She replies: 'She's upstairs in her bedroom with a man, I hink tis her husband'
'But Im her husband' replied the businessman. The businessman is angry, He thinks his wife is having an affair. so he asks the maid 'How would you like to make £25,000?'
The maid says 'sure, what do I have to do?'
'Go up there and kill the pair of them' So the maid kills the wife and the man, and returns to the phone.
'What shall I do with the bodies?' asks the maid
'dump them in the swimming pool' Replies the businessman
'But you dont have a swimming pool' replied the maid,
'hang on have I got the right number?'......

hehe

[Master Captain]

ok i've got another blonde joke (no offence against blondes, as i'm one too, but these jokes are too funny to pass up)

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

[IRI5HJ4CK]

ok i've got another blonde joke (no offence against blondes, as i'm one too, but these jokes are too funny to pass up)

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

hahahaha

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack

[CaptainMike1]

hahahaha

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack

ROTFLOL

[firestar12]

hahahaha

here's another one from me:

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman were being chased by a policeman. They see an old warehouse in the distance, so they run in.

Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the policeman and see's these three bundles on the floor. The policeman Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper think's it's just an old dog, leaves it, and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Jack

I heard a blonde joke similar to that.

[trains]

Been too busy to finish it. So Terry said "who's there?"

Answer: Me . I kill you.

Anyone wanna see the joke let me know. I'll find the video. It's better to hear it that way.

[Master Captain]

hey everyone, check out the Macys Thanksgiving day Parade (but theres a joke in it ) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWw46X-83xs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWw46X-83xs)

[The Captain]

Here is one that I really laughed at :

2 Jews go into a Mexican resturant and each order a drink. One says" You know, there are a lot of Jewish people out there, but I wonder if there are any mexican Jews..."

"Maybe, but I don't know. Why don't you ask our waiter?

"Good idea!"
 So the waiter comes and the one man asks him-" Do you know if there are any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says" Let me go ask in the back room" So the waiter comes back with an answer." No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is sure there must be some and asks again" Are you shure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter goes and check in the back again and he says" No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is defiant and askes once more" Are you sure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter is fed up with the question and finnally says-

"NO! THERE IS NO MEXICAN JEWS! We have fruit jews, prune jews, carrot jews, apple jews, BUT NO MEXICAN JEWS!!!!"

How did you all like that one ?

[Master Captain]

it was ok

[firestar12]

Here is one that I really laughed at :

2 Jews go into a Mexican resturant and each order a drink. One says" You know, there are a lot of Jewish people out there, but I wonder if there are any mexican Jews..."

"Maybe, but I don't know. Why don't you ask our waiter?

"Good idea!"
 So the waiter comes and the one man asks him-" Do you know if there are any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says" Let me go ask in the back room" So the waiter comes back with an answer." No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is sure there must be some and asks again" Are you shure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter goes and check in the back again and he says" No, there is no Mexican Jews." The man is defiant and askes once more" Are you sure there are no Mexican Jews?" The waiter is fed up with the question and finnally says-

"NO! THERE IS NO MEXICAN JEWS! We have fruit jews, prune jews, carrot jews, apple jews, BUT NO MEXICAN JEWS!!!!"

How did you all like that one ?

Well, It was creative.

[Aad The Pirate]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he  could hardly speak.

Prior to the mass he asked the monsignor what to do about his nerves.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about  getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the  water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and  took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he  found the following note on the door:

1)Sip the  vodka, don't gulp.

2)There are 10  commandments, not 12.
 
3)There  are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus  was consecrated, not constipated.

5)Jacob  wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)We do  not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The  Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8)David  slew Goliath; he did not kick the Poo out of him.

9)When  David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big  T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he  said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat  me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the  Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:  Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling  contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Have a jolly Week End
Aad

[CaptainMike1]

A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," explains the blonde. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde.

[RMSGreatBritain]

Another blonde joke, Im sorry:

What is a blondes idea of safe sex in a car?
Locking the door!

[CaptainMike1]

And another:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of hearing that blondes are all stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home from work at 5:30 pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He goes over and asks her if she is okay?

She replies, "Yes, I'm okay." Then the husband notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her what she is doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde Spambot are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

The husband then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. The blonde replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats."

[RMSGreatBritain]

And another:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of hearing that blondes are all stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home from work at 5:30 pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He goes over and asks her if she is okay?

She replies, "Yes, I'm okay." Then the husband notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He asks her what she is doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde Spambot are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

The husband then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. The blonde replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said, "For Best Results, Put On Two Coats."

That is awesome

[RMS Gigantic]

AHAHAHA!

And that doesn't violate forum rules?

[Aad The Pirate]

One for the weekend

[Mad_Fred]

Hello everyone,

Just a friendly note here;

Some of the jokes in this thread might contain a bit stronger language than we usually allow.

In the context of a joke some of the words might be forgivable, when it also means something else, like an ass being a donkey, and such. But 'excrement' (s***) can also be described with a nicer word perhaps, and things like that.

So please gentlemen, if you can avoid certain words and sexual innuendo, it might be better suited for or younger members.

No one person or joke in particular, but I just noticed that the humorous tone in this topic loosened up the language a bit, and well, even here we have to keep to the 'normal standards' I think.

Thanks very much for your understanding and cooperation!

[TerryRussell]

Hi Fred.

I think we're overlapping again (see above)....


What did one ear say to the other ear?
Between us we have brains!