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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 807427 times)

Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2150 on: November 10, 2011, 17:48:45 »

okay good. just thot ide check with aad first. ;)

yo mama so fat, wen she goes to the movie theater, she sits next to everybody. :doh:

yo mama so fat, the national weather service has categorized all of her fartsbroken winds. :doh: :doh:

yo mama so ugly, wen she was born, the doctor slapped yo grandma. :doh: :doh: :doh:
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VirtualSkipper

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2151 on: November 10, 2011, 18:48:08 »

Thinking you look gangster when you say 'yo', do you, rbsanford?
« Last Edit: November 10, 2011, 18:57:46 by VirtualSkipper »
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2152 on: November 10, 2011, 19:48:14 »

hey, ime not the one who invented the "yo" in yo mama jokes. ::)
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2153 on: November 11, 2011, 10:25:48 »


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2154 on: November 11, 2011, 12:02:22 »

OUCH  :thumbs:
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2155 on: November 11, 2011, 19:54:00 »

a guy walks into a bar and ses "ouch" :doh:
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2156 on: November 12, 2011, 02:12:46 »

That quilifies for more of a sentence than a joke...
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2157 on: November 12, 2011, 02:39:12 »

why did the serial killer cross the road?

to get to your house.

knock knock.

whos there?

the serial killer. :evil:
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2158 on: November 12, 2011, 02:46:34 »

 :doh: That made me laugh a little.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2159 on: November 12, 2011, 10:46:13 »

 
New Version of the Three Bears Story

        
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET !!

 :2thumbs: ;D
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Traddles

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2160 on: November 12, 2011, 17:06:02 »

That quilifies for more of a sentence than a joke...

A prison sentence?
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2161 on: November 12, 2011, 17:11:44 »

 :doh:
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2162 on: November 12, 2011, 17:14:56 »

A prison sentence?
Great Prun  :2thumbs:

Now tell me why:

If Vegeterians do love Animals so much,
why do they keep eating all their food?
« Last Edit: November 15, 2011, 16:09:28 by Aad The Pirate »
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2163 on: November 16, 2011, 11:28:08 »

True story from a cruise-ship attendant:

An angry guest came down to the front desk of a Holland America Line cruise ship demanding a different room. The attendant tried to calm him down and find out why he disliked his cabin so much. He responded: "I paid a lot of money for this cruise and was promised a sea view, the only thing I can see through my window is the damned parking lot!"

We’d not yet left the dock.
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2164 on: November 16, 2011, 12:08:10 »

 :doh: lol
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2165 on: November 17, 2011, 00:22:14 »

Heres my first joke here.
What five things would you take to an island, if you were alone?
1. A genie (that guy in a jar that gives you three wishes) to get me off.
2. A ferry to sail off the island if the genie fails.
3. Harry potter if the ferry sinks.
4. Dumbledore to work his magic if Harry potter's broom snaps with two people on it.
5. A medic if Something happens to Dumbledore...*
*I meant to say if Dumbledore has a heart attack... Nah that's men...
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danny

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2166 on: November 18, 2011, 16:01:22 »

Mike, I'd edit that word out before the mods see it. Thats how cragister went, he started cussing, and the mods unleashed broadside after broadside.

Quote
I asked a girl in the office, "Do you ever sit at home at night and get the feeling you're being watched?"

She said, "I do actually! Why do you ask?"

"No reason," I said, as I scribbled, 'Need better camouflage' on a post it note.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2167 on: November 18, 2011, 17:08:46 »

Mike, I'd edit that word out before the mods see it. Thats how cragister went, he started cussing, and the mods unleashed broadside after broadside.


What?
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danny

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2168 on: November 18, 2011, 17:14:23 »

Nevermind, the post in question dissapeared  :doh:
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2169 on: November 18, 2011, 17:17:15 »

Nevermind, the post in question dissapeared  :doh:

I deleted it, easier that way!
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2170 on: November 23, 2011, 14:41:37 »

One beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales .....

At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, 

"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2171 on: November 23, 2011, 16:03:27 »

two guys walk into a bar. the third guy ducks.

four guys are in a bar. first guy ses "ille hav some h2o." second ses "ille have some too" third ses "me as well" fourth guy ses "i want some h2o too." the fourth guy died.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2172 on: November 23, 2011, 16:34:12 »

two guys walk into a bar. the third guy ducks.

four guys are in a bar. first guy ses "ille hav some h2o." second ses "ille have some too" third ses "me as well" fourth guy ses "i want some h2o too." the fourth guy died.

What kind of Joke is that?
Can't find any punchline in it.
In fact, it isn't funny at all.
And isn't a Joke ment to be funny? Something You could laugh about?
To be honest, Rbsanford, most of your entrys in this thread aren't jokes and/or funny.
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2173 on: November 23, 2011, 16:40:18 »

What about this one Aad?

What five things would you take to an island, if you were alone?
1. A genie (that guy in a jar that gives you three wishes) to get me off.

2. A ferry to sail off the island if the genie fails.

3. Harry potter if the ferry sinks.

4. Dumbledore to work his magic if Harry potter's broom snaps with two people on it.

5. A medic if Something happens to Dumbledore...*
*I meant to say if Dumbledore has a heart attack... Nah that's mean...

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2174 on: November 23, 2011, 18:26:05 »

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