Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839361 times)

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #600 on:** February 24, 2009, 20:43:45 »

Searched the forum and couldn't find this joke hehe

The Englishman had a big dog and The Irishman and The Scotsman asked him what breed it was.
'It's a cross between a Scotsman, an Irishman and an ape,' said The Englishman. ' In that case,' said The Irishman, 'it's related to all three of us.

Jack

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #601 on:** February 25, 2009, 17:04:10 »

A man takes the ferry home from work

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

TerryRussell · « **Reply #602 on:** February 25, 2009, 20:32:23 »

Ten ways to tell if you are a computer geek:

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address
9. You no longer ask potential girlfriends what their zodiac sign is. Instead you say "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends you an e-mail
7. You're amazed to find out spam is also a type of food
6. When filling out your driver's license application you give your email address
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest
4. You introduce your wife as "my.lady@wife.com"
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server"
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are a computer geek:
1. Your favourite sound is the Windows Logon

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #603 on:** February 27, 2009, 14:03:45 »

It's 10 past 9 am, and the secretary is still absent, so the boss decides to call him at his home.
A little Spambot voice answers him.
"Can I speak to Your daddy?"he asks.
"No" replies the girl, "You can not, because he is busy"
"Can I talk to your mum?"
"No, she is busy too."
"Well, is there any other adult around?"
"Yes, a policeman"
"Can I talk to him?"
"No, because he is speaking with a firefighter" replies the little girl. At the same time a lot of noise is hearable trough the phone.
"What is that noise?" He asks.
"Oh, that's a chopper from the FBI," answers the girl.
"Well, what are all this people and the FBI chopper doing at your home?"
"Well, I was playing hide and seek with my baby brother," the little girl whisperes: "and now they are all searching for me"

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #604 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:29:50 »

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening.
'Will you lend me Â£10?' The Scotsman shouted to The Irishman.
'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said The Irishman, 'I can't hear a word you're saying with all The noise in here.'
'Will you lend me Â£10?' screamed The Scotsman at The top of his voice.
'It's no use,' said The Irishman, 'I still cannot hear a word you're saying.'
'Look,' said The Englishman,' standing beside them, 'I can hear him quite clearly.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "you lend him the Â£10.'

Jack

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #605 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:38:45 »

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing Â£10,000 and would give a reward of Â£100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give Â£150!"

Mike

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #606 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:40:48 »

The Englishman and The Scotsman were abroad so they phoned Interpol and sent a gorgeous parrot to their friend The Irishman.

When they arrived home however, The Irishman opened The oven and produced The parrot well and truly roasted saying, 'Let's have some lovely roast duck for dinner.'
That isn't a duck you fool!,' they said to him. 'It's a parrot and it could speak seven different languages.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "why didn't it say something before I put it in The oven?'

Jack

p.s. Nice one Mike

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #607 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:41:45 »

Nice on Jack:

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #608 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:44:26 »

Hahaha

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell.
The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace, and The Scotsman was put in beside him burning away.

The Irishman wound up in a big bedroom with a beautiful blonde film star in his arms. 'That's not fair!,' said The Englishman and The Scotsman, 'rewarding him like that.' That's not The Irishman's reward,' said The Devil, 'that's her punishment.'

Jack

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #609 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:45:21 »

ROTFLOL

When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"
"Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all

Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #610 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:55:37 »

Nice one Mike hahaha

(we should call this the Mike and Jack joke of the day topic haha

)

The Brick Wall Trick

The Irishman played The following trick on The Englishman. He put his hand up against a brick wall and said, 'Now punch my hand as hard as you like.' When The Englishman attempted to do so, The Irishman pulled his hand away and so The Englishman banged his fist against The wall. After a good laugh all round, The Englishman went away to try out The trick on The Scotsman.
'We really would need a brick wall to do this trick properly,' he told him, 'but there doesn't seem to be one around. Never mind, I'll put my hand in front of my face.'

Jack

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #611 on:** February 27, 2009, 18:56:53 »

Someon ewill interupt soon Jack!!

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for Â£5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be Â£10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #612 on:** February 27, 2009, 19:00:22 »

Hahahaha Best one yet!

The new mercedes

The Cassidy twins had bought a secondhand Mercedes car and were taking Joe O'Driscoll for a spin. As they sped down O'Connell Street, Joe said from the back seat:

'I say, boys, what's that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?'

Pat Cassidy, realising he meant the Mercedes logo, decided to have some sport.

'Oh that,' he said, 'that's a target isn't it, Finbar?' 'Oh yes,' said Finbar, 'and a great target it is too!' Target?' said O'Driscoll. Target for what?'

'Well,' replied Finbar. 'It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!'

'Never!' spluttered O'Driscoll. True,' said Pat Cassidy. 'Just wait a tick and I'll show you.'

Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Pat drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.

'See what I mean?' he grinned. 'Good, eh?' 'No good at all,' said O'Driscoll. 'Sure if I hadn't opened the back door we wouldn't have hit him at all!'

Ncena1 · « **Reply #613 on:** February 27, 2009, 19:04:18 »

hahaha can't stop laughing!

very nice jokes

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #614 on:** February 28, 2009, 00:27:27 »

One to finsh the day, even if Jack is not around now:

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #615 on:** February 28, 2009, 09:08:59 »

Hahaha, Good one Mike

Telegraph Poles

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman applied for a vacancy with The phone company so The foreman said I'll give you all a trial day to see how many telegraph poles you can lay in that time.' At The end of The day The Englishman had done twenty-seven poles and The Scotsman had laid twenty-four.
'How many did you manage?' The foreman asked The Irishman.
'Five,' answered The Irishman.
'Well,' said The foreman, 'your friends managed over fifty between them.'
'Yes,' said The Irishman, 'but look how much they left sticking out of The ground.'

Jack

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #616 on:** February 28, 2009, 11:01:43 »

Hehehehehehe:

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.

Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.

As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.

The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket.

They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other.

Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!"

When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #617 on:** February 28, 2009, 11:51:43 »

HAHAHHAHAHA!

Thats a cracker that one

Will post a joke in a second hehe.

Jack.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #618 on:** February 28, 2009, 11:59:43 »

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"
"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"

RMSGreatBritain · « **Reply #619 on:** February 28, 2009, 12:12:36 »

da dun chhhhh!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #620 on:** February 28, 2009, 12:13:25 »

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

RMS Gigantic · « **Reply #621 on:** February 28, 2009, 13:20:58 »

AHHHHHH HAHAHAHA

RMSGreatBritain · « **Reply #622 on:** February 28, 2009, 16:38:43 »

im going to lol....

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #623 on:** February 28, 2009, 16:49:15 »

A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old Spambot replies "Â£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old Spambot writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old Spambot to write a few more things. The old Spambot ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

Gloat · « **Reply #624 on:** March 01, 2009, 00:21:15 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on February 28, 2009, 12:13:25

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

That was posted before!

But I read one version with an extension:
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
Then the genie says, "I'm sorry, but hanvn't you had your wish already?"
"No," replies the Scot
The Genie says, "You did, you wished me to answer questions about the wall"

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839361 times)

TerryRussell