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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 806850 times)

CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #650 on: March 05, 2009, 23:49:02 »

Tery

You were right as usual! Aad posted it in January so I have removed it!

Mike
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #651 on: March 06, 2009, 10:47:06 »

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A  hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says  the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be  $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says  the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's  brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big bottom and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
.

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Agent|Austin

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #652 on: March 06, 2009, 11:12:50 »

A blonde went to the movies and when she was walking in it said under 17 not permitted, so she went home and got 16 of her friends.
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #653 on: March 06, 2009, 11:38:37 »

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked: "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?".
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?".
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could find on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted: "What is the answer to your question?".
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5...
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #654 on: March 06, 2009, 13:48:23 »

LOL

A cabbie picks up a Nun ~~
 



« Last Edit: March 06, 2009, 23:32:14 by CaptainMike1 »
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #655 on: March 06, 2009, 18:19:19 »

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
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Gloat

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #656 on: March 06, 2009, 22:12:11 »

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde, wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked: "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?".
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?".
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could find on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted: "What is the answer to your question?".
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5...


all ready had that one - by Terry
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Shipaddict

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #657 on: March 06, 2009, 22:19:38 »

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.


Haha, that was excellent, thanks for sharing that :)
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #658 on: March 06, 2009, 22:26:07 »

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #659 on: March 06, 2009, 23:31:36 »

Not enough parachutes

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash.
To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket.
The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out.
Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman.
The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully.
'But what about you?' gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism.
'Oh, I'll be all right' said the Welshman. The Irishman took my haversack'.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2009, 10:37:22 by CaptainMike1 »
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #660 on: March 07, 2009, 10:54:13 »

Old one
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #661 on: March 07, 2009, 17:55:34 »

1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #662 on: March 07, 2009, 18:23:59 »



A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
« Last Edit: March 08, 2009, 10:55:10 by CaptainMike1 »
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #663 on: March 07, 2009, 22:17:30 »

If you're a doctor, and an elderly patient visits you, be aware that his hearing is not as it was. So please articulate your request's to that patient as clear as possible.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #664 on: March 08, 2009, 01:05:55 »

A last one for this night:
When you don't have the right equippment, better don't play soccer. Special NOT in the StoneAge. :evil:
« Last Edit: March 08, 2009, 16:39:21 by Aad The Pirate »
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matt5674

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #665 on: March 08, 2009, 06:58:12 »

HaHaHa.
Funny. And cavemen thought they had the "Upper Score."
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #666 on: March 08, 2009, 10:55:26 »

What kind of ears does an engine have? 





Engineers
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #667 on: March 08, 2009, 16:22:33 »

Not really a joke, but more a  necessity
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #668 on: March 08, 2009, 17:49:34 »

[/s]

Not jock about woman on marsh 8th  the Internationale womans day :police: do show some respect to over sisters on this day pleas,  ;)even they are blond, dark or read headed
Tanks
TJK

Tore

He posted that on March 6th..................

Mike
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matt5674

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #669 on: March 08, 2009, 19:07:58 »

And today is the 8th, daylight savings time. Here is another joke. The United States is large of the thing in it. But one thing we don't know is whats out side of it........ A Pig. Florida is the front legs, Baja California is the back, New England is the head and neck, and Washington state is the tail.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #670 on: March 09, 2009, 13:30:18 »

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky.

He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
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jim.smith

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #671 on: March 09, 2009, 20:08:34 »

I went to the pet shop to get my wife a blind dog,the pet shop owner remarked surely sir you mean a guide dog.No I replied if it sees her it will go for her throat :evil:
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #672 on: March 10, 2009, 00:19:59 »

Avoid stress. It's good for your health.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #673 on: March 10, 2009, 13:50:16 »

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say

"Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said,  "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .that phrase . .

in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."


The next day,  she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
 

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
 

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
 

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
 

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
 

There was stunned silence.
 

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed:
 

"Put the beads away, Frank.

 

Our prayers have been answered!"

 

« Last Edit: March 10, 2009, 14:26:21 by CaptainMike1 »
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #674 on: March 10, 2009, 14:30:05 »

Unos tíos están subidos a un árbol cuando les ve un policía.
- Pero, bueno, ¿ustedes qué hacen ahí? Venga hombres, bajen. ¡No sea que se caigan y se rompan algo!
Y cuando llegan al suelo...
- A ver, ¿ustedes quiénes son?
-¡Pucha, qué memoria! ¡Los del árbol!
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