Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839926 times)

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1475 on:** December 11, 2009, 22:31:26 »

Perhaps in 20 years he would have been better digging for iron ore, burning charcoal, building a furnace, making anvils, lathes, smelting plants and building a steel hulled ship that won't be wrecked...

Or in 20 years, could he not have made a satellite 'phone out of odds and sods?

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1476 on:** December 11, 2009, 23:59:16 »

Consuming too much Marmite lately

??

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1477 on:** December 12, 2009, 11:13:55 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on December 11, 2009, 23:59:16

Consuming too much Marmite lately ??

No. You can NEVER have too much Marmite

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1478 on:** December 12, 2009, 16:22:31 »

Long Time No See !

There's a knock at the front door. A man opens it and looks down to find a snail sitting on the stoop. He picks up the little critter and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there's a knock. The man opens the door, looks down and there sits the same snail.

The snail looks up and says: "Okay, what was that all about!?"

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1479 on:** December 12, 2009, 17:05:04 »

How does the snail knock?

Dikkay · « **Reply #1480 on:** December 12, 2009, 17:20:15 »

Quote from: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 17:05:04

How does the snail knock?

Use your head mate.

The snail did the same.

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1481 on:** December 12, 2009, 17:41:49 »

Quote from: Dikkay on December 12, 2009, 17:20:15

Use your head mate.

The snail did the same.

The snail knocked on the door... by using my head?

Are you SURE about that?

matt5674 · « **Reply #1482 on:** December 12, 2009, 17:44:39 »

Maybe the Snail used his hard shell for a behind to knock

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1483 on:** December 12, 2009, 18:44:05 »

Quote from: Stuart2007 on December 12, 2009, 17:41:49

The snail knocked on the door... by using my head? Are you SURE about that?

Must have been a Norfolk snail, that's why it took 3 years to get back!

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1484 on:** December 12, 2009, 18:45:27 »

Then I take it that it used one of the 11 toes on each hand then?

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1485 on:** December 12, 2009, 19:04:58 »

Quote from: matt5674 on December 12, 2009, 17:44:39

Maybe the Snail used his hard shell for a behind to knock

It used it's behind...?

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #1486 on:** December 12, 2009, 19:13:13 »

Quote from: The Ferry Man on December 12, 2009, 19:04:58

It used it's behind...?

Imagine opening the door to that!!

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1487 on:** December 12, 2009, 19:16:26 »

Quote from: IRI5HJ4CK on December 12, 2009, 19:13:13

Imagine opening the door to that!!

Nice...
[/sarcasm]

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #1488 on:** December 12, 2009, 19:17:45 »

Could be worse...though...

The Ferry Man · « **Reply #1489 on:** December 12, 2009, 19:18:16 »

Quote from: IRI5HJ4CK on December 12, 2009, 19:17:45

Could be worse...though...

I seriously doubt it

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #1490 on:** December 12, 2009, 19:18:33 »

Lets not go there...

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1491 on:** December 12, 2009, 20:48:28 »

Gentlemen, could we stay On-Topic. Please?

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1492 on:** December 12, 2009, 21:04:24 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2009, 20:48:28

Gentlemen, could we stay On-Topic. Please?

RIP

(Just found this one)

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

Hows that Aad? At least it's on topic...

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1493 on:** December 12, 2009, 21:05:09 »

Has this already been posted

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1494 on:** December 12, 2009, 21:11:57 »

I thought this one well worthy of being the third post in the row...

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Ralphy · « **Reply #1495 on:** December 12, 2009, 21:24:12 »

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which
organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1496 on:** December 12, 2009, 21:37:14 »

And You Must be ...

Pat says to the Mike: "Where did you get that shiner? It's a dozy! "

Mike said: "Do you know that cute Spambot who is a nurse at the infirmary?"

"Why yes I do", said Pat, "she is quite the looker! The word is that there has been some hanky panky between you and her. I also know that her husband just got back from sea duty!!"

"That, my friend, is a little piece of information I could have used BEFORE I decided to visit her apartment, take a shower and when the bathroom door opened, jump out yelling surprise!!"

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #1497 on:** December 12, 2009, 21:48:02 »

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1498 on:** December 12, 2009, 21:59:57 »

Some Service !

The lonely bachelor wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards.
He went on to explain that the candidate should be cute and short, who enjoys water sports, is a team player and who enjoys group activities.

He received an envelope the following week. It it was a picture of a penguin.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1499 on:** December 13, 2009, 18:35:35 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on December 12, 2009, 21:59:57

Some Service !
The lonely bachelor wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards.
He went on to explain that the candidate should be cute and short, who enjoys water sports, is a team player and who enjoys group activities.

He received an envelope the following week. It it was a picture of a penguin.

I am only 6 years old and don't understand that, can you explain?

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839926 times)

matt5674