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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 807475 times)

Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2100 on: October 26, 2011, 20:22:56 »

u have to admit, theyre some pretty good jokes tho. ;D
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2101 on: October 26, 2011, 20:24:19 »

Aad is right you shouldn't make jokes with religious contents and/or diseases
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2102 on: October 27, 2011, 09:49:38 »

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number� and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
 
'Go get your Mother'

 
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2103 on: October 27, 2011, 14:36:53 »


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
 
'Go get your Mother'

 

:thumbs:
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2104 on: October 27, 2011, 15:54:19 »

this one might be a little iffy in aads terms:

why dont amish people waterski?

their horses would drown.
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2105 on: October 27, 2011, 20:21:13 »

Alright that's in my terms...
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Stuart2007

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2106 on: October 28, 2011, 00:44:55 »

god said "let there be light" chuck norris said, "say please."

chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he never cries.

chuck norris built the house he was born in

on thanksgiving, chuck norris came home and saw his wife crying in the kitchen. he said, "wats wrong?" she said, "i burnt the turkey, spilled the potatoes on the floor, and the rolls are too soggy." so chuck norris ate all the ruined food, went into the back yard, and barfed up a complete thanksgiving meal.

jesus was chuck norris in disguise. but the bible got something wrong... he cant die.

santa is chuck norris in disguise.

if chuck norris cloned himself and one ran to the north pole and the other to the south pole and the both jumped at the same time, they would flatten the earth.

What???
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2107 on: October 28, 2011, 00:48:11 »

do u know who chuck norris is? hes this super tough guy who was in the army and now is in action movies. chuck norris jokes illustrate how tough he is.
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Stuart2007

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2108 on: October 28, 2011, 00:53:16 »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke


I was watching Chuck Norris films long before you were even born.

Mr Norris was actually in the American Air Force, not the Army, btw.

But I understand now. Hilarious.
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larsdehaan

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2109 on: October 30, 2011, 12:34:43 »

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke


I was watching Chuck Norris films long before you were even born.


But I understand now. Hilarious.
sorry for offtopic but i saw both of your profiles none say how old both of you are
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2110 on: October 30, 2011, 12:36:18 »

Remember Stu, was once a moderator
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larsdehaan

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2111 on: October 30, 2011, 12:43:18 »

Remember Stu, was once a moderator
i could post a very negative comment... but since i love the forum so much i wont... :angel: ehh he was?
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Stuart2007

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2112 on: October 30, 2011, 13:14:44 »

i could post a very negative comment... but since i love the forum so much i wont... :angel: ehh he was?

Well I could post some negative comments either, but I'd not like to upset you too much. I hate to think of people being reduced to tears.

The problem with being a goderator is you can't say what you really think. You have to be so damned diplomatic all the time. I wanted to challenge a particularly nasty and obnoxious "gentleman" here, but couldn't; so I resigned from the team... and lo and behold they actually made HIM a moderator in the end... Despite his frequent resignations, deleted accounts and so on, he's still here being his usual self. Bless his little cotton socks.

But, there you go. Now, back to telling side splitting jokes before Mr Aad gets upset.
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Stuart2007

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2113 on: October 30, 2011, 13:15:15 »

Incidentally, Lars, what has my age got to do with anything?

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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2114 on: October 30, 2011, 13:16:27 »

lol goderator...
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Stuart2007

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2115 on: October 30, 2011, 13:28:28 »

lol goderator...

GODerator...

That's the problem- some of them seem to think they ARE god.

Nearly all of them I've seen in 4 years or so have been really decent people, giving up their time to try and help other members.

But bless them, they get stick from users here because the software is, ahem, not 100% perfect and then they get stick from vstep for daring to point out that the software is, ahem, not 100% perfect.

I take my hat off to them all (well, NEARLY all of them) for putting up with it. I wouldn't, so I didn't, so I won't.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2116 on: October 30, 2011, 15:57:52 »

Gentleman, Please can we leave the Goderator stuff and go B.O.T.?
Tnx a Lot

The next few lines aren't a joke, but more something to let you think about, Although some "facts" are hilarious'. So read on and have fun.

Interesting History

Where did "Peed Poor" come from?

In those days, long ago, people used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery.  If you had to do this to survive you were "Peed Poor."

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didn't have a pot to pee in," and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature, isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.  However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a “bouquet of flowers” to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how “canopy beds” came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a “thresh hold.”

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.  Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.  They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.  They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.  This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of “holding a wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
“saved by the bell,”or was considered “a dead ringer.”

And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!?
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danny

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2117 on: October 30, 2011, 16:03:10 »

"wounders weither or not to contiune discussion about mods"
"remembers what happend to WM"
"smilies nicely and finds joke"

Two men walk through the Serengeti, when some hundred meters away a big hungry lion jumps up from behind a bush and starts running at them.
The one guy immediately wants to turn and run away in panic, but the other guy, in all calmness, sits down, opens his Rucksack, gets two jogging shoes out and starts to take them on his feet.
Asks the first guy in disbelief: "You really think you can out-run the lion just because you wear those jogging-shoes...?"
Says the other guy: "No, but I can run faster than you."
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clanky

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2118 on: October 30, 2011, 16:26:56 »

Paddy is driving down the middle of the road at 120 miles per hour (180km/h) whn he gets pulled over by the police.  The policman says "what on earth were you thinking of Paddy, you were doing 120 right down the middle of the road!"

"ah", says Paddy, "I have permission to do that officer"

"What permission?" asked the policeman, pady calmly produces his driving license and says "look what it says officer"...



..."tear along the dotted line"
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2119 on: October 30, 2011, 16:41:42 »

lol thanks for sharing clanky...
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2120 on: October 30, 2011, 17:19:48 »

there was a car going down the road at 6 mph, when a cop pulled it over. he went to the driver window and saw an old lady with three old ladies in the back. he said, "maam, did you know how slow you were going?" she said, "yes officer. i was just obeying the speed limit-6 mph." he said, "oh no, you have it all mistaken. thats not a speed limit, thats what road were on-interstate 6" she said, "oh thank you for helping" as he walked back to the police car, he saw that the three old ladies in the back were shaking and their faces were pale. he asked the driver about them and she said, "oh theyre still a bit shaken up. we just got off of interstate 120."

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2121 on: October 30, 2011, 17:21:11 »

Ahoy danny & clanky

Great ones.  ;D
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2122 on: October 30, 2011, 17:38:44 »

I have another speed/Altitude related joke...
The airline pilot was fired becuase he flew too low... One day (this is his first real-life flight,not in a simulator) The residents of, Some town nearby an airport heard the roar of a jet engine but it was loud, very much louder than usual, then all of the sudden a jumbo-jet soared over the town. When it landed the TSA (or whatever it is) questioned the pilot and he said, "but, but, on the little screen it said 500 feet!" then he had a choice to be fired or be sent right back into training (which he hated) so he chose to be fired...
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2123 on: October 30, 2011, 17:49:56 »

so a cop pulls over a car that was driving erratically and speeding. he asks the driver for his liscence and registration. the driver says, "i dont hav one" his wife says, "officer dont listen to him hes completly drunk" a muffled voice from the trunk says, "are we over the border yet?"

 :doh: :doh:
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dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2124 on: October 30, 2011, 18:06:05 »

 :doh:
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