Joke of the day

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[TerryRussell]

Q: You're stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Ghengis Khan, and a lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice!

[Agent|Austin]

I would shoot myself.... I am in the middle of an island....

[Person264]

A Traffic island

[IRI5HJ4CK]

The Murphy twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.

'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'

'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.

'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'

---------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'
'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'
'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'

-------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all grew up in The Gaeltacht and never learned to speak English. One day they went to Dublin and The Englishman heard a man saying, 'We three,' so he went around all day saying, 'We three'. The Scotsman heard a man saying 'For The want of money', so he went around all day saying, 'For The want of money'. The Irishman heard a man saying 'We well deserve it', so he went around all day saying, 'We well deserve it'.
That evening as they were making their way home they came across a dead man lying on The ground. A policeman came up to them and said 'Who killed this man?'
'We three,' said The Englishman.
'Why did you do it?' asked The policeman.
'For The want of money,' said The Scotsman.
'You'll all go to jail,' said The policeman.
'We well deserve it,' said The Irishman.

------------------------

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'


Jack.

[RMS Gigantic]

New Mac platform revealed!

Now with even more pointless freezes, fewer games, and more fans that just don't know when to shut the heck up!

[Agent|Austin]

New Mac platform revealed!

Now with even more pointless freezes, fewer games, and more fans that just don't know when to shut the heck up!

Lol, your starting to sound like terry. :p

[IRI5HJ4CK]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.
That's terrific,' said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?'
'In The Sahara Desert,' said The Irishman.
'But there aren't any trees in The Sahara Desert,' said The foreman.
'Not now there aren't!,' said The Irishman.

Jack

[Aad The Pirate]

No comment on this one.
As always: Click to enlarge

[RMS Gigantic]

Some REALLY good mac jokes:

What's the difference between a MAC and a bucket of cow****?
Three pounds and a Gameboy screen

What's the difference between a brontosaurus and a Mac?
A brontosaurus runs faster.

What's the difference between ** and a Mac?
Most ** isn't gray.

How do you make your Mac go faster?
Drop it from a higher window.

Why aren't more Mac owners computer literate?
They would be, if they had a computer.

What do you do with an obsolete Mac?
Whatever you do, don't pick it up off the store shelf and buy it!

How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to consult the manual that came with it, one to call tech-support, and two to sit and wait for the 'Smiley Face' to appear and say 'Welcome to Macintosh'.

* Edited - Mad_Fred;  If you have to allready censor it yourself, maybe better think of a synonimous word that is permitted!

** Supplementary edit by Terry for same concerns as Fred, above

*** Additional edit by Fred: DOH! 

[CaptainMike1]

One for IRI5HJ4CK

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

[IRI5HJ4CK]

One for IRI5HJ4CK

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who
was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

haha, thats a good one

Here's another joke from me

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in charge of a hospital for The disabled, and one day they were showing a millionaire around The place in The hope of getting a large donation from him.

The Englishman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £50,000.'

The Scotsman took him into a ward where there was a man with no arms or legs. That's terrible,' said The millionaire, 'look here's a cheque for £100,000.'

The Irishman took him into a ward where there was a bed with just a single tooth lying on The pillow.
'Oh my God,' gasped The millionaire, 'is that all that's left of The poor fellow?'
'Worse still,' said The Irishman, 'he's having that tooth out tomorrow.'

Jack

[Aad The Pirate]

This is the far out worse kind of discrimination I ever heard off.

[Mad_Fred]

 

Good one!

[CaptainMike1]

Jack

That was great. How about this one for a totally non-discriminatory joke?



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick chaps like you that give us Irish a bad name!

I'd come over there & kick the hell out of you if I could swim!'

[Aad The Pirate]

Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Thought you might get a couple of giggles out of the incredible stupidity of people around the world !!

Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!  Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are jokes, and the questions are hilarious;but sadly, the questions were really asked.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the Spambot population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

(Nothing personal)

[Master Captain]

Jack

That was great. How about this one for a totally non-discriminatory joke?



An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick chaps like you that give us Irish a bad name!

I'd come over there & kick the hell out of you if I could swim!'

I've heard that one told as a blond joke. I've got a few blond jokes and i've got nothing against them as i'm blond too

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The Spambot says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
___________________________________________
Three Spambot are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
(one of my favs )

[CaptainMike1]

Simple one for the end of the day::

[RMS Gigantic]

* Edited - Mad_Fred;  If you have to allready censor it yourself, maybe better think of a synonimous word that is permitted!

** Supplementary edit by Terry for same concerns as Fred, above

*** Additional edit by Fred: DOH! 

Now THAT is funny!

Also, Fred, you mispelled "already", "synonymous", and "d'oh"!

unless those are UK spellings

[Kapn Jonah]

id edit that post if i were u

[RMS Gigantic]

id edit that post if i were u

Yeah, wth is better.

[Kapn Jonah]

yes, and if a mod sees that [slides hand over throat] "clhhghgh" your DEAD!
just kidding, they'll probably bann u though

[TerryRussell]

It's been seen.

Gentlemen, the level of language here has reduced to that of swamp hogs after eating too much cabbage. If you can't show Aad more respect than this, I will have to choose one of two options:

1) I could lock this thread.

2) I could ban people who post swear words in this thread

Now, I enjoy most of the posts here, so I swon't take option 1. So that leaves....

[saltydog]

   

[CaptainMike1]

Great one SD

Here's another

[Aad The Pirate]

And here comes: "Little Johnny"

A grade school teacher in Alberta asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.