Joke of the day

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[Aad The Pirate]

Lawyer with a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied.  'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high'

[Kapn Jonah]

Haha, what a jerk

[Aad The Pirate]

Haha, what a jerk

No, just a lawyer  

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year. And every year Morris would say: 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied: 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said: 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied: 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said: 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said: 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied: 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know,
Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[John Carter]

2 Spambot sitting together, quietly.

[firestar12]

2 Spambot sitting together, quietly.

?
I don't get it.

[Kapn Jonah]

2 Spambot sitting together QUIETLY

Spambot are very very very very very very very very EXTREMELY talkative

[firestar12]

Hahahahahahaha!

[Aad The Pirate]

2 Spambot sitting together, quietly.

LOL

[Capt. Matt]

Lol I knew something was wrong there as soon as I read it 

[IRI5HJ4CK]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

Jack

[Aad The Pirate]

Hope is a wonderful thing - one little nibble keeps a man fishing all day.

[Captain Spencer]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $265.95.....

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes
with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and... Ken's best friend Rick.

Jack

Haha nice one Jack - that made me smile

[Aad The Pirate]

The Good Old Titanic

Arriving at port the fishing boat captain was approached by one of his new crewmen.

"Captain, sir ", said the young fellow," I would like to introduce you to my Great Aunt Mary." After exchanging pleasantries the crewman and his aunt left.

The next morning while preparing to leave port the crewman thanked the captain for his time with his aunt. "She loves boats", said the crewman, "You know all my life growing up she told me many stories of when she was on the Titanic!"

"Are you telling me that your aunt survived the sinking of the Titanic?!!" exclaimed the shocked captain.

"Wow!" said the crewman, "that's why you're the captain, sir. All those years and that's one question I never thought to asked her!"

[CaptainMike1]

LOL!

 

[Aad The Pirate]

John decided scrape and paint the hull of his 21 foot wood cruiser. Not being sure how much paint to buy and knowing that Paul, a close friend who had the same size boat had recently painted his, he gave him a call.
"Paul," he said, "How many gallons of paint did you buy for your boat?"
"Six," said Paul.
John went out and bought six gallons of paint but when the job was done he had two gallons left over!
Calling Paul again, "Paul," he said, "I bought six gallons of paint for my boat , but I've got two gallons left over."
"Yes," said Paul, "So did I."   

[Kapn Jonah]

Haha! ROFL!

[Ballast]

Doh...   

[Aad The Pirate]

And You Are??

The years had taken their toll on the old sea captain. All those years of hard drinking and life at sea left the old salt with a pot belly sagging butt and a double chin.

Concerned about retirement which was imminent, and wanting to settle down with a pretty wench on land, the sea captain decided to embark on a self improvement program. He went on a diet, exercised and gave up drinking. He lost his gut, firmed up his body and even purchased a toupee he looked 20 years younger.

During his final voyage his ship came up against a storm and the captain was lost overboard. While the captain was floating in the middle of the ocean he raised his voice to heaven, "God, how could you do this to me on the eve of my retirement ? "

God answered, " To tell you the truth captain, I didn't recognize you!"

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at guiding merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right.

Jack

[Captain Spencer]

        

That had me laughing for aaages 

Thanks for sharing that

[Aad The Pirate]

Timing is Everything!

Sitting at the cruise ship's bar the man, celebrating with his wife their 25th wedding anniversary with this cruise, was lamenting his tumultuous marriage. "Years ago I hated my wife so much I seriously considered killing her. I knew then that if I did I would get at least 20 years in jail for second degree murder. A co-worker who discovered my plans talked me out of it.

"Wow!" said the bartender, " that was a real friend to do that for you!"

"He's no friend of mine!" said the man.

"Why not?" asked the bartender.

"Because, today I would be a free man!"

[Aad The Pirate]

How true is this!!!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

[CaptainMike1]

How true is this!!!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies:
"I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

Not really a joke as it is true!!

[Aad The Pirate]

Not really a joke as it is true!!

You're so right. If it wasn't so ridiculous  you could cry about it, and if it wasn't so pitiful  you could laugh  about it.
Anyhow, here is a new one:

First Mate Comes First!

The Captain was angry and could barely contain himself. The sailing race of the year was about to start but he confronted his First Mate anyway.

"I just found out that you have been getting huge kickbacks from our suppliers which made our costs double! Plus, I know you sold our new hull design to our biggest competitor team!! I also understand that yesterday you fooled around with my wife!!!

Visibly shaken the Captain shouted, "This is unacceptable behavior and beyond what could ever be forgiven!"

"You're absolutely right Captain" said the First Mate, "I guess our winning streak together comes to an end today!"

"Uh, right.....well, all I have to say is one more stunt and you're off the boat."

[Capt. Matt]

Hmm I dont get it