Joke of the day

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[Mad_Fred]

I decided it was time for me to take more care of myself, so I went on a diet.
I couldn't decide which one to pick, but eventually, I ended up doing the new whiskey diet...


It's really great and I'm making great progress..  I've lost 6 days already!

[Aad The Pirate]

It was the end of the day when a Cop  parked his Police-Van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and the Cop saw a little boy staring in at him.
'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' the Cop replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the Cop and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What did he do?

[Aad The Pirate]

Hanging "by my boob"

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say: "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically: "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."   
I did too soooo…… I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking:  "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said: "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said: "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said: "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "Maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite: "Hi, how's it going" type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible: "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.  Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said: "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

 

[Rbsanford]

            Haikus are easy
They don't have to make much sense
              Refrigerator.

[CaptainMike1]

 
Irish Fire Insurance
 
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.
 
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a
year!
 
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see
 
how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
 
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland
 
to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!
 
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,
here it is on
 
the screen,it says:
 
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'
 
 
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

[CaptainMike1]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the
teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around and swallows it.
Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
No, not at all," says the chemist.
Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get
my urine tested for sugar."

[Rbsanford]

What do you do with an ill chemist?
Curium.
What about an injured chemist?
Helium.
And a dead one?
Barium.

Did you hear about the date between Oxygen and Potassium?
I guess it went OK.

[Traddles]

At the age of 207 CaptainMike1, you should know that is not a very appropriate thing to post here. I have taken the liberty of removing it.

[CaptainMike1]

At the age of 207 CaptainMike1, you should know that is not a very appropriate thing to post here. I have taken the liberty of removing it.

Thought it was quite a seasonal joke! And suitable for the under 207's !!

[Aad The Pirate]

Christmas Party

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    December 1, 2012

RE:       Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! 
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:         All Employees

DATE:    December 2, 2012

RE:       Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees

DATE:   December 3, 2012

RE:        Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.


REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:        All Employees

DATE:   December 4, 2012

RE:        Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo

------------------------------------------------------------
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:     All Employees

DATE:  December  5, 2012

RE:     The Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian !!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your  salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you weirdos can stop complaining. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and get caught,

The Bitch from Hell!!!


Company Memo

[CaptainMike1]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the
 Eversweet Company.
 
 In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
 
  'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
 asked the solicitor.
 Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my
 fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
 
 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
 question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
 
 Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin'
 down da road.... '
 
 The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
 establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
 police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
 he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
 Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
 
 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to
 the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
 Bessie'.
 Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just
 loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin'
 her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering
 tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one
 ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad
 like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and
 groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
 
 Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
 hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
 After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot
 her between the eyes.
 
 Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
 said, 'How are you feelin'?'
 
 'Now wot da hell would you say?'
 

[Aad The Pirate]

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, John used to take his 4-year-old daughter on her afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day John found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As he braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered:
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

[Stuart2007]

I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

May god (the imaginery friend) save us

[Stuart2007]

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
 said, 'How are you feelin'?'

I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others. 

[Aad The Pirate]

I always did find the Kid's Logic far superior to most others. For Example:

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned:  "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

[CaptainMike1]

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the last 20 years without fail.


This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.  The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ... Yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”   He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted.  He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

[Rbsanford]

A chicken walked into a library, went to the desk, and said "Book. Book. Book." So the librarian gave the chicken three books. The chicken left only to return a short time later with the same books, returned them, and asked for more. This went on several times until the librarian became curious. This time, he followed the chicken. They left the library, walked out of the city, into a swamp, then came up to a docile frog. The chicken presented the books to the frog who simply replied:

"Reddit. Reddit. Reddit."

[Aad The Pirate]

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

(I want this line used at my funeral!)

[CaptainMike1]

Christmas warning: Drinking and driving


I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with
the authorities on our way home from various social sessions over the years.


A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had
a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita.

Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something

I've never done before:  I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because I was in a

taxi, they waved it on past.



 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got this one!

[Aad The Pirate]

NUDITY

I was driving with my three grandchildren one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old granddaughter shout from the back seat:
"Grandpa, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

[CaptainMike1]

NUDITY

I was driving with my three grandchildren one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old granddaughter shout from the back seat:
"Grandpa, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

Not sure that's suitable for a 207 year old!

[Aad The Pirate]

Not sure that's suitable for a 207 year old!

Oh so mature for a 207 year old. C'mon, Mike, get a life

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked:
"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

[Aad The Pirate]

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

[CaptainMike1]

First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman  started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy  replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Aad The Pirate]

2nd Christmas Joke

A Romantic Christmas Tale

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said: "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said: "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said: "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."