Joke of the day

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[TerryRussell]

Ode to a spell checker:

I halve a spilling chucker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[Aad The Pirate]

WILD 

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Now, after 10 years or so, you can read it from bottom to the top!!

[CaptainMike1]

Ode to a spell checker:

I halve a spilling chucker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

WILD

 

[RMS Gigantic]

WILD 

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Now, after 10 years or so, you can read it from bottom to the top!!

The trick is the alteration of answers!

[Aad The Pirate]

What sound do turkeys made around Thanksgiving?
See Attachment for the answer (Click to enlarge).

[Gamefan!]

haha loL!

[Aad The Pirate]

Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)

[RMSGreatBritain]

Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)

Ooh bad joke, not that funny if im honest...sorry

[sadsid (†2016)]

Got me smiling 

[CaptainMike1]

Ahoy Sealords and Ladys
New one:
When You try to train Your dog, be sure to pronounce the commands well.
(Click to enlarge)

Absolutely hilarious!!!

AAD, did you get that one from Terry?

[Mad_Fred]

A guy goes into a bar.

He orders a beer, sits at the bar and drinks it.

Then he stands up, and takes a pee, right there at the bar.

So the barkeeper yells out, quite upset; "What the heck are you doing?!?! Are you nuts?!?!"

And the guy's face goes red and he starts mumbling; "Oh my God,.. I'm so embarrassed, I'm so ashamed, please forgive me!

"Yeah, yeah," the barkeeper says "Go on, get outta here, while I clean up your mess!"

So the guy leaves. But a few days later he is back. Orders a beer, sits there for a while, and once again stands up and pees right against the bar.

"What the heck!?" The barkeeper yells.. "Not again!? What's wrong with you.. taking another pee at the bar like that! Do you have some kind of disorder?!"

And the guy again goes red and says "Oh I'm so sorry, I am so ashamed..  I just cannot help myself. I'm so embarassed.."

So the barkeeper continues; "If this is a disorder, then why don't you seek professional help?!"

And the guy says "Yeah, perhaps you are right. I will make an appointment at a psychiatrist, I'll get my head examined, I promiss!"

So months go by, and the guy never shows up in the bar..

But then, one day, there he is again. And the barkeeper recognises him and says; "Good day mate, long time no see, how are you. How did therapy work out for you?"

And the guy says; "It worked like a charm, it was great. I am totally cured, honest!"

So the barkeeper pours in a beer, and says "Well then this one is on the house, cheers!"

The guy says "thanks!" and drinks the beer. But then he suddenly stands up and takes a pee right at the bar... again..

So the barkeeper is puzzled and says; "But I thought you said you were cured?"

And the guy says;  "What?   I am! ....I'm no longer embarassed by it!!!"




...Okay, a poor one perhaps, but I couldn't help myself.  

[Aad The Pirate]

@MH1:
Nope, didn't get that one from Terry. Does he own a dog?
@ Mad_Fred:
Love that kind of jokes when You can't guess the punch-line.
Aad

[TerryRussell]

Ooh bad joke, not that funny if im honest...sorry

I thought it was funny! Good one, Aad.

Here's a slightly cleaner joke:

Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

A. She couldn't control her pupils!

Q. If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had kids, who would be the biggest of the three?

A. The baby, because he's a little Bigger!

[Aad The Pirate]

OK, one more to end the evening:

Test for  Brains
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

Let's find out just how clever you really are...
 
First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
                                                             











Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take her or his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




 


 


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000. Now add 10 . What is the total?



Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right... 
Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
 
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?









 



He just has to open his mouth and ask.
It's really very simple. Like you! 

[TerryRussell]

Although one might ask why a blind man wanted sunglasses. Was it Stevie Wonder? Or Blind Lemmon Jefferson?

[TerryRussell]

A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."

[saltydog]

A cowboy arrives in a small town and heads for the saloon
Inside it is empty as he goes to the bar and orders a whisky
"You better make it a quick one" says the bartender. "Now's the time Big Al usually comes here for his drink"..
The cowboy finishes his whisky, and is about to leave when suddenly the door bursts open.
In the doorway stands a giant of a man, 6 feet tall, arms as wide as a mans thighs and hands the size of coal shovels.
The building shakes as he lumbers to the bar, where he silently stares at the bartender.
The barkeep nervously fills a bucket with beer from the tap and shakingly sets it before him.
The man grips the bucket with boths hands and downs the beer with one long gulp.
"Do you want another ?"  the bartender asks with trembling voice..
"Nope" is the answer  "I gotta get...Big Al's coming"...

[RMS Gigantic]

A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."

HAHAHA

How do you think the user Microsoft will respond to that?

[RMSGreatBritain]

A guy goes into a bar.

He orders a beer, sits at the bar and drinks it.

Then he stands up, and takes a pee, right there at the bar.

So the barkeeper yells out, quite upset; "What the heck are you doing?!?! Are you nuts?!?!"

And the guy's face goes red and he starts mumbling; "Oh my God,.. I'm so embarrassed, I'm so ashamed, please forgive me!

"Yeah, yeah," the barkeeper says "Go on, get outta here, while I clean up your mess!"

So the guy leaves. But a few days later he is back. Orders a beer, sits there for a while, and once again stands up and pees right against the bar.

"What the heck!?" The barkeeper yells.. "Not again!? What's wrong with you.. taking another pee at the bar like that! Do you have some kind of disorder?!"

And the guy again goes red and says "Oh I'm so sorry, I am so ashamed..  I just cannot help myself. I'm so embarassed.."

So the barkeeper continues; "If this is a disorder, then why don't you seek professional help?!"

And the guy says "Yeah, perhaps you are right. I will make an appointment at a psychiatrist, I'll get my head examined, I promiss!"

So months go by, and the guy never shows up in the bar..

But then, one day, there he is again. And the barkeeper recognises him and says; "Good day mate, long time no see, how are you. How did therapy work out for you?"

And the guy says; "It worked like a charm, it was great. I am totally cured, honest!"

So the barkeeper pours in a beer, and says "Well then this one is on the house, cheers!"

The guy says "thanks!" and drinks the beer. But then he suddenly stands up and takes a pee right at the bar... again..

So the barkeeper is puzzled and says; "But I thought you said you were cured?"

And the guy says;  "What?   I am! ....I'm no longer embarassed by it!!!"




...Okay, a poor one perhaps, but I couldn't help myself.  

He he that is quite good...

[RMSGreatBritain]

A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."

That is brilliant (No offence to Microsoft there). It would have been even truer if it were for BT.

[RMSGreatBritain]

A cowboy arrives in a small town and heads for the saloon
Inside it is empty as he goes to the bar and orders a whisky
"You better make it a quick one" says the bartender. "Now's the time Big Al usually comes here for his drink"..
The cowboy finishes his whisky, and is about to leave when suddenly the door bursts open.
In the doorway stands a giant of a man, 6 feet tall, arms as wide as a mans thighs and hands the size of coal shovels.
The building shakes as he lumbers to the bar, where he silently stares at the bartender.
The barkeep nervously fills a bucket with beer from the tap and shakingly sets it before him.
The man grips the bucket with boths hands and downs the beer with one long gulp.
"Do you want another ?"  the bartender asks with trembling voice..
"Nope" is the answer  "I gotta get...Big Al's coming"...

He he, good one

[RMSGreatBritain]

Ok, how bout this:

Over in LA, its been a really rainy day, and David and Victoria Beckham have spent the whole day watching TV. At 6pm the news comes on, and there is a feature about a man bundgy jumping off a bridge. The guy does it perfectly and all is well.
At 10pm, the news comes on again, and once again there is the feature about the man bundgy jumping off the bridge. Victoria says to david,
'David, I bet you $1000 that that man will jump off that bridge' and so david says
'Ok, I bet you $1000 that he wont jump off the bridge'
And so of course the man jumps off the bridge, and David gives Victoria the $1000. But Victoria rejects it saying
'Oh sorry david, I cheated, I saw it on the 6pm news and I knew he jumped, keep the money'
But David says
'Oh well, I cheated aswell see, because I saw it on the 6pm news aswell and I didn't think he'd do it again!'

[Chrystine]

   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         
 
 

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Did you hear about the Irish man that got struck by lightning?

He thought he was having his photograph taken

Jack.

[CaptainMike1]

   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
         
 
 

Great one!!