Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807530 times)

.. haha.. the guy on the bridge from "the bridge" not the ship, had medication, and thought the ship had passed already, which made him close the bridge to soon..
dumb...

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1332 on:** September 27, 2009, 17:39:31 »

Ahoy ALL,
In case you've forgotten: This is the Joke Of The Day thread. For funny videos is another one. ( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,13172.msg159137.html#msg159137 )

Regards
Aad the Pirate

I Met My Match !!

After the boat was pulled into the dock, a stunningly beautiful woman disembarked with a parrot on her shoulder.

â€œWhere did you get that?â€ asked one of the dock hands.

â€œMet her online,â€ replied the parrot.

TJK · « **Reply #1333 on:** September 27, 2009, 17:47:14 »

A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local zoo.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. Heâ€™s obviously quite excited about the manâ€™s pretty wife in the wavy, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. The wife obliges.

Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. Now, Mr. Gorilla is about ready to tear the bars down in excitement. The husband further encourages his wife to lift her dress to show a little leg. This, too, drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

The husband quickly grabs his wife, rips open the door to the gorilla cage, slings her in with the ape and exclaims, "Now, try telling HIM you have a headache!"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1334 on:** September 29, 2009, 22:02:54 »

One Step, Two Step, Slide

Two sailors meet each other on a pier.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
One points to his foot and says, "Pearl Harbor, World War II!"
The other points and says, "Seagull droppings, 20 feet back!"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1335 on:** October 04, 2009, 21:19:55 »

Swine Flu

To avoid it...
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
Go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, Flu germs can't get you!

saltydog · « **Reply #1336 on:** October 04, 2009, 21:37:45 »

And most important: don't forget to take your Marmite every day..

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1337 on:** October 05, 2009, 20:28:38 »

If you are a senior you will understand this one,
if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better,
and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
We've been around the block more than once!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1338 on:** October 12, 2009, 15:48:56 »

Warning, Warning, Warning !!

Posted on the ship's Bulletin board:

Due to the increased reports of excessive alcohol consumption the ship's doctor issues theses warnings.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering while your shipmates are trying to sleep.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your shipmates over and over again that you love them.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that every lover in every port is dying for you to call at four in the morning.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can dance and that falling down is part of that process.

Dire Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are actually smarter than the captain.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1339 on:** October 19, 2009, 17:45:53 »

Before this topic dies a silent death: Here's another one:

Sinking Tag Line

Late one foggy night two boaters collide head-on while trying to navigate a narrow inlet channel. Both their boats were damaged, disabled and slowly sinking.

As they each watched their boats slowly slip away beneath them, the first boater said: "You know, this is a sign that we should never take life for granted and that we should live it to the fullest".

"You are right," said the other boater as he opened a cooler and pulled out a bottle of bourbon whisky. Let's drink to living well for the rest of our lives.

The first boater took the bottle and, after a big swig, handed it back to the other boater who in turn quickly threw it into the river.

More than a little surprised the first boater exclaimed: "You didn't take a drink!?"

"Naw", said the other boater "I think I'll just wait for the Coast Guard to show up."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1340 on:** October 19, 2009, 17:47:58 »

Navy Catches and Then Releases Terrorist

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

ABCRic · « **Reply #1341 on:** October 19, 2009, 20:01:01 »

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1342 on:** October 20, 2009, 09:52:23 »

"Painting job"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

IRI5HJ4CK · « **Reply #1343 on:** October 20, 2009, 09:56:22 »

ROFL
Hahahaha

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1344 on:** October 20, 2009, 10:01:35 »

Redhead

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctorÂ´s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left ear and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "YouÂ´re not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "IÂ´m actually a blonde."

"I thought so" the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken".

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1345 on:** October 20, 2009, 18:28:52 »

You're Not Alone Sailor

"Why such long face John?" asked the other seaman.

"I don't know," said John "maybe It's just that we have been at sea for so long and I'm so depressed I cant seem to do anything right. Most of the time I feel so alone and useless!"

Smiling and nodding in an understanding way, the other seaman said: "John, I don't know if this helps but let me assure you; you are not alone. Most of us on the ship feel you're useless too."

Jeff123 · « **Reply #1346 on:** October 20, 2009, 22:33:21 »

Quote from: TerryRussell on November 10, 2008, 22:05:59

A pilot was flying a small single engine plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he was running pretty low on fuel and the passengers were getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appeared and he saw a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banked the plane around, rolled down the window and shouted "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replied "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolled up his window, executed a 272 degree turn and proceeded to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stoped, the engine ran out of fuel.

The passengers are amazed and asked how he did it.

"Simple" replied the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore I KNEW that was the Microsoft support office. From there I knew where the airport was located."

LOL! I agree their help is useless.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1347 on:** October 20, 2009, 23:31:43 »

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
....AND...
A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . ...
Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:

If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're thick.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked..
You should take some time off and relax

Wave Music · « **Reply #1348 on:** October 20, 2009, 23:44:25 »

No, you don't!
I did asked what does the banana has to do with coconut tree when I saw you first mentioned "banana".

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on October 20, 2009, 23:31:43

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
....AND...
A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1349 on:** October 21, 2009, 10:01:14 »

A teenage boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't got your hair cut.'

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 807530 times)

TJK

TJK