Joke of the day

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[thom301]

got some for you.

thom

[Aad The Pirate]

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.

[Wave Music]

Good night, Ferryman

[The Ferry Man]

 

That one really was for me 

[Wave Music]

The Parrot

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt! He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts. One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells: "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says: "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on". The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[saltydog]

"The funniest joke in the world".. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

[Aad The Pirate]

At last this topic is alive again. For a while I thought me was the only contributer for it.
Anyhow, here's a new one:

The Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?
•   GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

•   COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

•   HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

•   SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

•   JACQUES CHIRAC
We are chickens, and will veto any resolution that may force us to cross a road. It isn't safe.

•   DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

•   ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

•   MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envisage a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

•   GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

•   JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

•   ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

•   KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

•   VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

•   RONALD REAGAN
What? chicken?

•   CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

•   ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

•   BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

•   COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

[Wave Music]

Great one, Aad! 

[saltydog]

 

[Aad The Pirate]

The funniest joke in the world !?

In October 2002, a British organisation called Laughlab announced the conclusion of a year-long international study to discover the funniest joke in the world. They found that the British, Irish, New Zealanders and Austalians prefer a play on words; that the French, Belgians and Danes have a taste for the surreal and Freudian; that Americans and Canadians enjoy jokes showing one group's superiority over another; and that Germans have the broadest sense of humour because they find almost anything funny.
 
The following joke was found to be the most popular world-wide:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods, when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is silence; then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

To be continued

[The Ferry Man]

 

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[Aad The Pirate]

An office-manager, his secretary and his clerk where in a park during lunch-break. The clerk finds an old, copper oil lamp and starts rubbing it just to clean it up a bit. And poof, a Genie appears.
"You have one wish each", he said.
"Me first, me first", screams the clerk. "I wish meself in a Villa on a sunny Island, complete with a a swimming pool, enough food and drink for the rest of my life and a couple of lovely girls to accompany me."
"That's quite a lot for one wish" the Genie replies, "but alright, You'll have it", and gone is the clerk.
The secretary is second. "I wish the same as the clerk, plus a sissillion Dollars"
"Alright" says the Genie, You'll have it", and gone is the secretary.
"What about Your wish?" said the genie to the manager.
"Well, I want these two jokers back as they where in the first place, right after lunch break, in my office.

[Aad The Pirate]

The funniest joke in the world !?

Part 2

The top British joke was as follows:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you".

The favourite British word-play was as follows:
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum". Doctor: "I've got some cream for that".

To be continued

[McGherkin]

There's plenty more fish in the sea...

Yeah, and a ton of whales!

[oceandream]

There's plenty more fish in the sea...

Yeah, and a ton of whales!

 

[Wave Music]

 

[oceandream]

whats up with the sailing yacht sinking like titanic

[Aad The Pirate]

The funniest Joke of the World !?

Part 3

The top Franco-Belgian-Danish joke was as follows:
An alsation went into a telegram office, took a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof".
The clerk politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another woof for the same price".
"But", the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all".

To be continued

[Trampship Man]

Pat`and Mick were walking along a country lane when they met a man carrying a huge trout.   `That`s a beauty` says Mick, `where did you get it` ?    The man replied `just follow this lane and you`ll come to a bridge, lots of trout swim under this bridge`.    `But we`ve got no fishing tackle` says Pat.   `You don`t need any ` says the man, `all you have to do is hang over the bridge until a trout comes along, then just `tickle` it for a minute or two before snatching it out with your hand`.    `Right` says Mick, `We`ll have a go at that so we will`.    They continued along the lane until they came to a bridge which had fairly high stone walls.  Mick peering over the wall said `Jeez Pat it`s a long way down, but I`ll tell you what, I`ll hang over the bridge if you`ll hold on to me feet`.   So that`s what they did !  Pat grabbed Mick by the ankles and lowered him upside down over the wall.   After a few minutes Pats arms were getting tired so he shouted `Anything doing yet Mick` ?   `No` says Mick, `Give me some time`.   A few minutes more and Pat`s arms were really aching, so he again shouted `Anything doing yet Mick` ?   `No` says Mick,`Not yet`.   A few minutes more and Mick suddenly shouts `Pull me up Pat, quick, pull me up`!      `Why`? shouts Pat, `Have you got one` ?    `No`! shouts Mick,
`There`s a bloody train coming` !!!     

[Aad The Pirate]

The funniest Joke of the World !?

Part 4

 The top US-Canadian joke was as follows:
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions".
Texan: "Okay - so where are you from, DOH !?"


To be continued

[Ralphy]

im not sure if this is real or not. it says it is


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[McGherkin]

They were IRI5H, not Canadian.


See that subtle hint as to who it could be?

[clanky]

im not sure if this is real or not. it says it is


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

As much as I would love that to be true, it is unfortunately an urban myth.

[Aad The Pirate]

Serious trouble for Canada

True, Very True

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 30 million.

16 million are retired.
That leaves 14 million to do the work. 

There are 8.5 million in school.
Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 1..5 million to do the work.

200,000 are in the armed forces
Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city Governments.
And that leaves 140,000 to do the work. 

At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.
Leaving 100,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,
Sitting on your backside,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice.    Real nice.

[Trampship Man]

Did you hear about the Irish man that got struck by lightning?

He thought he was having his photograph taken

Jack.

What about the Irish tap dancer ?    He fell off into the sink !

Or:-   Did you hear about the Irish sea scouts ?    Their tent sank !