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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 804525 times)

Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #400 on: January 17, 2009, 12:58:41 »

Could it be here:
You're absolutely right.
Couldn't find it with the search function. Therefore I thought it wasn't placed yet :-[. SORRY
Entry's removed.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2009, 13:00:23 by aadjepiraatje »
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Gloat

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #401 on: January 17, 2009, 20:03:52 »

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk........................................................................................... to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #402 on: January 17, 2009, 21:17:27 »

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk........................................................................................... to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
LOL!!!!!!!!!
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #403 on: January 17, 2009, 21:38:29 »

Do you allways repeat a joke before you laugh..?   ;D
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TerryRussell

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #404 on: January 17, 2009, 22:12:39 »

Yes, he does.  ;)
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #405 on: January 17, 2009, 22:13:31 »

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Beau Brown

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #406 on: January 18, 2009, 00:52:02 »

When snowflakes are softly whirling down to earth, and you are wondering what they taste like, be aware where You're standing.

Funny, those were almost my Christmas cards.
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #407 on: January 18, 2009, 09:14:07 »

Funny pics there CC ;D
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #408 on: January 18, 2009, 11:15:47 »

Sharky looks like the Golden Gate Bridge. Not sure there is a bridge in South Africa like that
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Mad_Fred

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #409 on: January 18, 2009, 12:00:20 »

No worries, you meant no harm!   ;)

And it was funny... but well, you know.. we have these rules and they might be strict sometimes, but well, they are meant to keep the forum suitable for all ages and countries...

It was funny and quite innocent, but that doesn't make it any less a violation of the bad language rule, unfortunatly..  :)


Regards,
Fred


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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #410 on: January 18, 2009, 16:59:17 »

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh...

(scroll down)


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
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Aad The Pirate

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  • Posts: 2431
Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #411 on: January 18, 2009, 18:56:45 »

Follow Up to Mike's 'Blonde' Joke.
Just to be friendly, her boyfriend decided to buy a real Jig Saw Puzzle for her. Knowing how clever   ;) she is he bought her a 60 pieces puzzle.
After a few weeks she called him on his cell phone, and told him sooooo exited: "Darling, I solved the puzzle. Are You proud of me now?" No reaction from the other side, so she said: "I thought 18 days to solve this puzzle was very fast!" "How do You mean? " her friend replies. "Well", she replied, "on the small side of the box is printed 3 - 6 Years "
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TerryRussell

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #412 on: January 18, 2009, 21:26:27 »

Doctor, Doctor. My wife can't say the letters "F" or "T" !

Well she can't say fairer than that, then.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #413 on: January 18, 2009, 23:32:28 »

Good one, Terry.
Do You remember Bill Gates getting 'PIED' ?
Well, I do.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #414 on: January 19, 2009, 16:37:13 »

Why it's not wise to throw away any left overs.
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Garth H

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #415 on: January 19, 2009, 17:29:13 »

Hi CC, 

We don't have bridges like that over rivers flowing into the sea where there is a wier.  Where are the helicopter insignia?  The British have not had military exercises is South Africa for about 20 years and our great white sharks only jump out of the water to catch seals that they have been chasing. (which was the video shown on National Geographic)  Sorry that photo is a computer digitally modified scam.

Here is my joke:


Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white US. Government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.  You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

 The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion; where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
 
'When  white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo,  plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled ‘only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #416 on: January 19, 2009, 17:56:51 »

While we at the shark-theme: Here's another one.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #417 on: January 19, 2009, 18:37:13 »

The Camel Joke
There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy say's, yeah. He hop's in, the driver say's, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town. So the driver start's driving, he get's up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see's the camel right behind him. He say's to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say's, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed's up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. And say's to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say's, he's know's the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed's up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and look's behind him, and look's at the guy and say's, hey buddy your camel he's looking pretty rough. The guy say's, oh yeah, what's he doing. The driver say's, well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say's, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say's to the left side. The guy say's, YOU'D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE'S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!
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ABCRic

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #418 on: January 19, 2009, 18:48:20 »

lol.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #419 on: January 21, 2009, 16:32:18 »

So this guy is going to a wintersport destination by nighttrain. In the sleepingcar he discovers that he had to share it with a female passenger.
"Hi, I'm Bob" says the guy.
"And my name is Liz" replies the woman. They decide that she sleeps in the upper bunk and he in the lower one.
They went to their bunks, and 15 minutes later:
"Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob.
"It's quite cold up here, would you be so kind and close the window?
"Off course ", replies Bob, stands up, closes the window and went back in his bunk. 
15 minutes later : Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob.
"It's quite sultry now, can you open the window please"
"Okay", replies Bob, get out, opens the window, and back to his bunk.
15 minutes later: Bob, are you asleep?"
"No" replies Bob, a bit grumpy.
"It's a bit chilly now" says Liz, "I noticed that their are some extra blankets in that cabinet over there. Would you be so kind and hand me one over?" 
Bob replies: "We could act as we were married"
"Oh, if you like that" replies Liz.
"OK", says Bob, Lift your body out of your bunk, take the blanket, go back, shut your mouth and let me sleep!!
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #420 on: January 21, 2009, 16:42:34 »

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said ...

"Rain."

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Nathan|C

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #421 on: January 21, 2009, 20:00:16 »

 ;D

Nice One  :)
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firestar12

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #422 on: January 21, 2009, 22:47:53 »

Lol. Niether of them speaks English. But I guess whit George Bush's logic like "Put a bomb in a box of cheerios...hehe...." you can't call that english.
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bbydino05

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #423 on: January 22, 2009, 05:14:40 »

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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #424 on: January 22, 2009, 10:21:37 »

Here is a South African version of an earlier blonde joke:

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the farmer . 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.
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