Joke of the day

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[saltydog]

It's still a classic..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw

[Minime]

oh yeah, one of the best ever!

[ABCRic]

I love that one.

[Cat320DL]

That a good one 

[Aad The Pirate]

It's still a classic..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw

And about 3 times repeated  

Bread for the Captain !

The new cook was nervous when he heard that he was serving the captain this week!
An experienced cook told the new cook: "He loves food and your service is very important, but most of all he loves bread. You'll know you're in real trouble if he starts rhyming."

Wanting to make a good first impression the new cook, on the first day, brought the captain two very thick slices of bread with the meal, which the captain devoured.
He told the cook: "The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine."

The next day the cook brought the captain four slices of bread and was surprised to receive the same response!
"The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine."

The day after that, six slices were placed before the captain. The captain still complained and what was most annoying, he was still rhyming!

Finally, anxious to please the captain, the cook took a GIANT loaf of bread, cut it in half, and placed it before the captain.
The captain looked at the bread then the cook and said:
"The food looks fine but I fear we have a crisis,
your bread service has slipped by going back to two slices!"

[CaptainMike1]

Reminds me of a story my father told me about his time as a cadet with Houlders in about 1920, after a couple of days at sea, in the officers mess the cook served meat loaf. The Captain picked up a carving knife and asked the two cadets which part they would like, both said they diddn't mind and so the Captain cut the loaf in two and said 'Me and the mate, we like the ends'!!

New joke  An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.   I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Hahaha thats a good one Mike

[CaptainMike1]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple ' s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Aad The Pirate]

To Each Thier Own

The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!"
The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm.
The sailor stared as the First Mate and smiled: "There were a lot of them weren't there sir?

[CaptainMike1]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..'

[Aad The Pirate]

SPLENDID

Here's To Your Health

The three fisherman were shocked when an angel appeared in the boat. The angel said: "I would like to do something nice for each of you".

The first fisherman spoke up: "I have suffered with back pain for years". The angel touches the man's back and he felt instant relief.

The second fisherman said: "I am nearly blind without my glasses! The angel took off his glasses and threw them out of the boat. The instant they hit the water the man's eyesight cleared to the point of perfect.

The angel turned towards the third fisherman who was half out of the boat. As he hit the water he cried: "Don't touch me - it took me two year to get on disability!

[Cat320DL]

 

[CaptainMike1]

 



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[CaptainMike1]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she a good gardener?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

[Aad The Pirate]

Can You Fix Me ?

The seaman was suffering from a bad cold and begs the Ship's Doctor for some relief.
The Doc prescribed a few pills but after a week the seaman was still ill.
So the Doctor gave the seaman several shots with no result.
"Okay, this is what I want you to do, "said the doctor. Go to the the bow of the ship. Take off your shirt and lean into the freezing mist for thirty minutes.
I'll do it sir but aren't you afraid I'll catch Pneumonia?"
"Maybe," said the Doctor, "but at least I know how to cure that!" 

[CaptainMike1]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor .. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

[CaptainMike1]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

[Aad The Pirate]

Pun Fishing

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.

As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.
Remarked one of the fisherman: "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Murphy marched into the library and told the librarian "I've got a complaint about a book I took out last week. It has way too many characters and there is no plot at all".

The librarian said: "Are you the person who took our phone directory...?"

[CaptainMike1]

Murphy marched into the library and told the librarian "I've got a complaint about a book I took out last week. It has way too many characters and there is no plot at all".

The librarian said: "Are you the person who took our phone directory...?"

Great one Jack, good thing it wasn't Yellow Pages!

[Aad The Pirate]

Let's Play Pretend !

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential recruit. To determine the young man's response to looming trouble, the psychiatrist asked: " Imagine looking out the window right now and seeing an enemy battleship coming down the street. What would you do?"

The recruit scoffed: " It's a city street! No ship could make it anywhere near here!

"Come on, use your imagination!" snapped the psychiatrist.

"Okay", said the recruit, "I guess I would sink it with a torpedo.

"And just where would you get the torpedo?", asked the frustrated psychiatrist.

"I imagine I would get it from the same place we got the battleship."

[McGherkin]

Let's Play Pretend !

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential recruit. To determine the young man's response to looming trouble, the psychiatrist asked: " Imagine looking out the window right now and seeing an enemy battleship coming down the street. What would you do?"

The recruit scoffed: " It's a city street! No ship could make it anywhere near here!

"Come on, use your imagination!" snapped the psychiatrist.

"Okay", said the recruit, "I guess I would sink it with a torpedo.

"And just where would you get the torpedo?", asked the frustrated psychiatrist.

"I imagine I would get it from the same place we got the battleship."

Great!

If it was me i would have waved! 

[Aad The Pirate]

Building a Solid Base !!

A sailor, ran aground on a sandbar. A passing fisherman offered to tow the sailor's boat off the bar for fifty dollars and the sailor agreed.

After he was off the bar, the sailor joked that at at $50 a pop the fisherman could make a nice living pulling people off the sandbar day and night.

"Can't at night,” replied the fisherman. “At night I haul sand.”

[Aad The Pirate]

AAADD

 
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.... .PLEASE READ!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it.
 
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!   

[RJS87]

hahaha nice one