Joke of the day

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[ABCRic]

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[Cat320DL]

 

[jazzy01]

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
 
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours' daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely,
Sheila

 
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine...
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
 
WALTER

[ABCRic]

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall...."

[Wave Music]

Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?

[capn_cal]

Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?

if he is, he must be doing a very good job 

[Wave Music]

if he is, he must be doing a very good job 

Lucky for you that Mike is on cruise at the moment!

[capn_cal]

who was the funniest man in the bible? samson, he brought the house down

[Aad The Pirate]

Aad The Pirate haven't been here & online for more than 1 week.  Is he busy with pirating ships or what?

It's nice to be missed  , but actual, I was on a short vacation to Germany's most twisted river, The Moselle.
Jokes will follow soon.

[capn_cal]

It's nice to be missed  , but actual, I was on a short vacation to Germany's most twisted river, The Moselle.
Jokes will follow soon.

hi aad how have you been?

[Aad The Pirate]

Fresh back from vacation here is a new one:

Time and Time Again

A doctor, examining the first mate, asked: "When was the last time you had relations with a Spambot?
The first mate replied: "About 1960."

The doctor was more than a little surprised and said: "That was a long time ago!"

The first mate said: "Tell me about it, doc. It's already 1300 hours on the day after."

[Aad The Pirate]

HHHMMMM strange. My mailbox told me there was a reply to this topic at 07:05 this very morning by TJK, but here is nothing.
Well, another Joke than:

Two Blondes in a Boat...Almost!

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde: "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your behind!"

[Aad The Pirate]

I know I've seen that one before. It even was by TJK.

( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg187502.html#msg187502 )

[TJK]

I know I've seen that one before. It even was by TJK.

( http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg187502.html#msg187502 )

well then i find a new one then lol 

[TJK]

Star Trek Vs Microsoft

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker: (looks puzzled). "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

Data: (turns to answer). "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

... 15 Minutes Later ...

Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data: "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

... Two Hours Pass ...

Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

Over the speakers...
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" Riker and Picard together horrified: "Lawyers !!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

[CaptainMike1]

Back from a cruise with a new joke:

[Cat320DL]

 

[Aad The Pirate]

Old Beyond His Years

From the dock the Spambot watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him: "Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?"
"Well," he said, "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.
Wow, that's amazing, "the Spambot said. "Exactly how old are you?"
He answered: "Thirty-one"

[Cat320DL]

 

[Aad The Pirate]

Coffee, Tea or ??

The swabbie could hardly swallow the liquid in the cup. He called over to the cook and said: "This coffee is sort of funny. It tastes like cocoa."

The cook grabbed the cup, took a sip, made a face and said: "No wonder. I gave you tea!"

[CaptainMike1]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!

[Cat320DL]

 

[Aad The Pirate]

Two Step Fishing

Two elderly fishermen, John and Paul, were out on the lake bright and early one morning.
They sat silently as they fished.
Each kept very still so as not to frighten off any fish.
After six hours, John shifted his feet.
Paul said: "What is it with you? Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"

[CaptainMike1]

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

[Aad The Pirate]

One Step at a Time !!

The Captain of the Cruise Liner fell down the stairs on to the Promenade Deck.
The Cruise Director saw him fall and rushed to his aid. "Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?"

"No," said the Captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one!"