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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 839011 times)

saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2625 on: April 18, 2013, 03:51:20 »

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

« Last Edit: April 18, 2013, 04:47:57 by saltydog »
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2626 on: April 18, 2013, 04:59:07 »

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."



Great, sure Aad will love this one SD!
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clanky

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2627 on: April 18, 2013, 07:27:28 »

I laughed.
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clanky

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2628 on: April 24, 2013, 15:59:37 »

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50."

One year when Esther and Morris went to the air show, Morris said "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get a chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, you know that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50."

The Pilot overheard the couple and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, It's £50."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 is £50!"
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2629 on: April 24, 2013, 22:51:49 »

NaCl
NaHO

The base is under a salt! :doh:
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2630 on: April 26, 2013, 13:05:15 »

@ Saltydog:
LSLMPDO
@ clanky:
LOL
How about this one:

The Horse Shelter



It seems a hobby farmer on the city’s outskirts sought council permission to erect a Horse Shelter.
Permission was denied,leading to a typical protracted one sided negotiation with Council.
Exasperated the property owner wrote “I suppose you wouldn’t even allow me to put a table and chairs out there...”.

“Of course a table and chairs are permissible” replied council.
 
Don'tcha love it when we beat red tape?!
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Dannypenguin

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2631 on: April 26, 2013, 15:24:41 »


A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed.

JUST AHEAD of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang.."
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2632 on: April 26, 2013, 16:37:05 »

@ Saltydog:
LSLMPDO
Not quite sure what that means (can't find it in the usual slang)
I'm guessing Laughed So Loud My Penguin Dived Overboard.. ;)
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Traddles

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2633 on: April 26, 2013, 17:12:27 »

Hi Salty, I think you get 100% plus 10% for that one. ;)
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2634 on: April 28, 2013, 10:29:23 »

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't  have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did.  Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
 was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
 
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my
 favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her
 it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest,
but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person
I admired most.
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
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Rbsanford

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2635 on: April 28, 2013, 17:54:45 »

Sn2

Sn--Sn

(S+S)(S+n)(n+S)(n+n)

Tin foil! ;D
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2636 on: April 28, 2013, 17:57:56 »

Sn2

Sn--Sn

(S+S)(S+n)(n+S)(n+n)

Tin foil! ;D

Hilarious
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2637 on: April 29, 2013, 17:01:36 »



This one is golden

I think this one should be deleted - sick
The so called joke has been removed. There is no room for this kind of thing here on the forum. It actually comes nowhere near being funny, just rather sick. :doh:
Traddles


Thanks Traddles!
« Last Edit: April 30, 2013, 09:35:39 by CaptainMike1 »
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danny

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2638 on: April 29, 2013, 17:45:41 »

I think this one should be deleted - sick

Agreed. Sick and disrespectful.

-Thanks Traddles!  :thumbs:-
« Last Edit: April 29, 2013, 23:51:34 by danny »
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Captain Cadet

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2639 on: April 29, 2013, 17:48:30 »

Agreed - reported!
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2640 on: April 29, 2013, 22:35:03 »

Not funny at all.. :thumbdown:
 -edit: I see it has been removed..
« Last Edit: April 29, 2013, 22:43:58 by saltydog »
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STORMM_29

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2641 on: April 29, 2013, 23:49:09 »

whats so wrong about the joke
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Stormm_29 :)

saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2642 on: April 30, 2013, 01:22:24 »

A girl gets hit by a brick and afterwards has a speech impediment because of it, is not a funny joke..
As you are only 12 years old, it's a bit hard to explain. I'm sure the "joke" gets some laughs on your playground..
 Most people here are a bit older than 12..
Might be a good idea to post your jokes in a forum for kids..
« Last Edit: April 30, 2013, 01:53:13 by saltydog »
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STORMM_29

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2643 on: April 30, 2013, 02:11:40 »

Uh ya I may be 12 but my friends are all jokey but I heard the joke when a teacher at school was around. I have a cousin with almost the same thing except he got drop onto the floor at the hospital. I am sorry if I hert anybody
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Stormm_29 :)

dexter7

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2644 on: April 30, 2013, 02:53:29 »

Please, just understand two facts:

A. Our minds work a little but different than yours.

B. Just because someone else is okay with it, doesn't mean other people are okay with it. Posting rude "jokes" (or whatever they are) and poking fun at disabilities is not acceptable on this forum.
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saltydog

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2645 on: April 30, 2013, 03:53:43 »

Two zebras pondering

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
 The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
 The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
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Captain Cadet

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2646 on: April 30, 2013, 08:24:03 »

Please, just understand two facts:

A. Our minds work a little but different than yours.

B. Just because someone else is okay with it, doesn't mean other people are okay with it. Posting rude "jokes" (or whatever they are) and poking fun at disabilities is not acceptable on this forum.
Yeah good point - it's acctually against the rules of the forum to.
But here a good joke
Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

A: "Cheap, cheap!"
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Mad_Fred

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2647 on: May 05, 2013, 18:38:28 »

I know it's an oldie and I do not know if it counts as a joke, but I happened to come across it again today and the link in another topic that has it is dead..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ
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danny

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2648 on: May 05, 2013, 18:42:09 »

I know it's an oldie and I do not know if it counts as a joke, but I happened to come across it again today and the link in another topic that has it is dead..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ

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pomperek

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #2649 on: May 05, 2013, 22:07:46 »

A man who can be trusted? Gypsy without hands.
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