Joke of the day

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[TerryRussell]

*LINUX

[Aad The Pirate]

"Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?" asked the little girl.
The mother shook her head no firmly.
"Pleeease?" she begged. "Daddy's swimming out there."
"I know, darling, but he's insured".

[Capt. Matt]

Hahahahahahahahaha Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

  * I think that's how its spelled? 

Dont get it...yet

[firestar12]

Hahahahahahahahaha Very funny

 I have one...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want a computer to do serous work get a Linex*

If you want a computer to do normal day to day things get a Mac

If you need a new boat anchor get a Windows

  * I think that's how its spelled?  

Haha!
Matt, basically, the joke means Windows is jank.

[CaptainMike1]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

   


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
 
 
 


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

 


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

 


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

 

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.
 



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
 



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
 
 



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..

 

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,..
 




...silver, topaz, and amethyst


 

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
 
 
 
 
   
 


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
 

















. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Aad The Pirate]

A man fell overboard from his little boat, and was thrashing around in the water when another boat pulled up.
"Jump in, we'll save you" they screamed.
"No" cried the drowning man, "God will save me".
The scene was repeated twice and then a helicopter hovered over the man.
"We came to rescue you" - yelled the pilot.
"No, God will save me" was the response again.
The man drowned, and as he crossed the Pearly Gates, he ran straight to Jesus.
"I placed my faith in You, and You let me drown?!"
"Hey!" said Jesus. "I sent three boats and a helicopter".

[sadsid (†2016)]

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To heck with this!" & storms off

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"


Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
                                                                     

[CaptainMike1]

Not really a Joke as it was true, but very funny anyway!


From yesterdays Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.

The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400. per day for the last 23 years...!

[Aad The Pirate]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in,  it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'  says the MP..
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with  that, St. Peter  escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with  him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had  while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time  to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group  of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by  and St. Peter returns.
Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it  before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down, down to hell.
Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with  waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his  shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..   Today you voted.'

[Capt. Matt]

 

[Aad The Pirate]

BBQ RULES  
 
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:  

Routine...  
1   The Spambot buys the food.  
2   The Spambot makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .  
3   The Spambot prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.  
4   The Spambot remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the Spambot.  

Here comes the important part:  
5   THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
  
More routine...  
6   The Spambot goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.  
7   The Spambot comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
  
Important again:  
8   THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE Spambot.  
 
More routine...  
9   The Spambot prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.  
10   After eating, the Spambot clears the table and does the dishes.
  
And most important of all:  
11   Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
  
12   The man asks the Spambot how she enjoyed '  her night off   ',   and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some Spambot.

Sorry, Spambot.   

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Hahaha That's a gooden' Aad.

Some MORE Nautical Terms!

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy
The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Bar
Long. Low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Boom
A Laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead
Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin
A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored – on their sides if large or on end if small – until needed.

Calm
Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel
Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Current
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Fitting Out
Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flipper
Rubber swimming aid worn on the feet. Usually available in two sizes, 3 and 17

Flotsam
Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a cocktail is made.

Fluke
The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley
Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery

Gear
Generic term for any pieces of boating equipment that can be forgotten in the back-seat or boot of a car, left behind on a pontoon, soaked in the bottom of a dinghy or lost over the side of the boat.

Gimbals
Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide dieting passengers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding
Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Hatch
An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed
The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe
Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this manoeuvre.

Lanyard
A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward
The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket
Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen
The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon
Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue colour, sailing conditions are generally favourable.

Motor sailer
A hybrid boat that combines the simplicity and reliability of sail power with the calm and serenity of a throbbing engine.

Ocean racing
Demanding form of sailing practised by sportsman whose idea of a good time is standing under an ice cold shower, fully clothed while re examining there last meal.

Passage
Basically a voyage from point A to point B, interrupted by unexpected landfalls or stopovers at point K, point Q, and point Z.

Pontoon
Harbour landing place that goes crack, crunch when hit

Pilotage
The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port
1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller
Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar
Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.

Regatta
Organised sailing competition that pits yours against your opponents’ luck.

Sailing
The find art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation
Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the surface of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing
The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker
Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides
The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm
Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

[capn_cal]

Haha!
Matt, basically, the joke means Windows is jank.

i have at my house a windows vista

[capn_cal]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

   


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. 
 
 
 


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

 


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

 


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

 

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.
 



The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
 



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
 
 



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door..

 

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.




The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,..
 




...silver, topaz, and amethyst


 

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
 
 
 
 
   
 


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
 

















. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

rotfl lol 

[Aad The Pirate]

"I finally snapped," the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof."
"What did you do?" asked his friend.
"I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift."
"Did it help?"
"I'll say. Tomorrow we're selling my golf clubs and fishing equipment."

[The Ferry Man]

you might wanna think twice before you say yes to have a fishing competition with anybody 

 

lol

That is good.

[IRI5HJ4CK]

you might wanna think twice before you say yes to have a fishing competition with anybody 

I've seen the "Proper" version of that

Jack.

[The Ferry Man]

Proper version?

[IRI5HJ4CK]

Yes...Lets just say, it has something else written in that Bubble! Haha

Jack.

[Aad The Pirate]

And I'm pretty sure that it was not suitable for 7 year old kids  
Well, this one is.

The city slicker was fishing with a fancy new rod and all the latest lures, but hadn't had a nibble by lunchtime. Adding to his irritation was the fact that a farm boy in a rowboat not far away had pulled in a number of good-sized bass. They quit about the same time, and the man couldn't help asking the farm boy. "You caught all those fish with that old stick - and a bent pin for a hook?" he croaked disbelievingly. "What's your secret?"
The boy shrugged and hitched up his overalls. "I guess I just keep myself out of sight."

[The Ferry Man]

I don't get it... 

(sorry)

[Aad The Pirate]

I don't get it...  

(sorry)

City Slicker, fancy outfit, shining stuff. Scares the fish off. Got it now?  

The fishing party was hopelessly lost in the deep woods.
The sun was going down and the mosquitoes starting to bite when one of the fishermen growled, "I thought you said you were the best guide in Minnesota."
"Oh I am," replied the guide firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in Montana by now."

[The Ferry Man]

I get it now. 

[IRI5HJ4CK]

And I'm pretty sure that it was not suitable for 7 year old kids  

Correct

Jack

[Aad The Pirate]

The determined angler staggered up to the counter with an arm load of the latest gear.
As the cashier was ringing up the total, which came to several hundred dollars, he sighed and commented:
"You know, you could save me an awful lot of money if you'd just start selling fish here."