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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 443727 times)
Aad The Pirate
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« on: October 06, 2008, 13:32:53 »

Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys)
How about this one? A new topic with jokes. Maritime's are prefered, but are not obliged.

For those who wishes to add any jokes to this topic:
A few Rules:
Jokes may never contain things like sexuality, rude language like swearing etc.
Jokes must always and with no exception be appropiate and suitable for children from 7 years up.
And last but not least: Discrimination is not and never allowed.

Violations will be edited, and violaters will be warned by the moderators.


Thanks for understanding and have FUN.


I kick off: What happens when You don't follow the unwritten law "Women and children first?"
See attechment (click to animate)
Regards
Aad

edit>
Rules altered
end edit<


* women and children first.gif (927.14 KB, 250x184 - viewed 677 times.)
« Last Edit: August 24, 2011, 19:53:32 by Aad The Pirate » Logged

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Captain Best
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« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2008, 14:04:34 »

Hehe. Good one Grin
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MrFlappy102
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2008, 01:46:16 »

Well from now on let's make sure women and children first is always followed. I like baing alive and not in the belly of a shark.  Grin
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matt5674
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« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2008, 02:49:37 »

hey i got one:what happens when you put a really big human nose on titanic?






NOSETANIC
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CaptainMike1
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« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2008, 11:45:33 »

hey i got one:what happens when you put a really big human nose on titanic?






NOSETANIC

What happened to the punch line?
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[SJ]Stein
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« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2008, 18:45:16 »

Think it just went "under"  Grin  nice try though.
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Aad The Pirate
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« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2008, 20:14:01 »

How about this one?

Poem to MOM (or DAD)

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom & Dad, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'
 
______________________________________________
 
Mom's (Dad's) Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts and pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D . Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees? 
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?'


 
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RMS Gigantic
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« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2008, 04:14:49 »

Luckily, I either don't care for or don't recieve just about all of those things Grin
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CaptainMike1
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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2008, 09:30:48 »

How about this one?

Poem to MOM (or DAD)

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom & Dad, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S.D.'
 
______________________________________________
 
Mom's (Dad's) Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts and pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D . Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike and roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees? 
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D.?'


 




Very droll!!!
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Aad The Pirate
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« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2008, 12:42:34 »

Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Her's the next one:
http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html 
Turn Your speakers wide open and enjoy
Regards
Aad
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TerryRussell
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« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2008, 20:36:48 »

Ahoy Ship(sim)mates,
Her's the next one:
http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html 
Turn Your speakers wide open and enjoy
Regards
Aad

Ho ho!  Grin
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Aad The Pirate
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« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2008, 19:00:58 »

Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys),
Although this topic is no competition, I thought that more than just one member (matt5674) added somthing to it. Well, nobody did. So I give it another try with a riddle.
We can say that Noach was the first sailor with his ark. But what was the biggest mistake (jokewise) he made?
Regards
Aad
<edit The answer is: He forgot to kill those two mosquitoes Grin Cheesy Grin end edit>
Next joker, please
« Last Edit: October 17, 2008, 22:57:07 by aadjepiraatje » Logged

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CaptainMike1
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« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2008, 09:34:13 »

Ahoy Sealords (and Ladys),
Although this topic is no competition, I thought that more than just one member (matt5674) added somthing to it. Well, nobody did. So I give it another try with a riddle.
We can say that Noach was the first sailor with his ark. But what was the biggest mistake (jokewise) he made?
Regards
Aad
<edit The answer is: He forgot to kill those two mosquitoes Grin Cheesy Grin end edit>
Next joker, please


Hohohohohoho
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thassos
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« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2008, 10:34:40 »

An old "what do you get" one

What do you get if you cross Atlantic Ocean with Titanic?




Half way.
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thassos
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« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2008, 10:36:27 »

What is the difference between a seagull and an Icelandic Bank?



A seagull can still put a deposit on a BMW
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FOYEN
Guest
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2008, 22:24:04 »

Joke of the night :   "The Love Story".

Right from the MP.  Wink Grin Cheesy Roll Eyes    Enjoy!


* chat joke.jpg (55.56 KB, 320x815 - viewed 662 times.)
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Aad The Pirate
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« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2008, 12:49:45 »

Ahoy Ship(sim)mates
Have alook at this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
The german Coastguard was NOT amused Grin
Regards
Aad
« Last Edit: October 23, 2008, 21:21:53 by aadjepiraatje » Logged

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Aad The Pirate
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« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2008, 11:49:05 »

And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   
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CaptainMike1
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« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2008, 12:02:27 »

Hohohoho Aad

Two good ones there - like the coastguard!

Mike
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RMS Gigantic
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« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2008, 02:59:33 »

And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Kapn Jonah
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« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2008, 03:31:36 »

And here's another one:

 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!      


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck. And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. 
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.   

Great!  Cheesy Grin
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Jonah
FOYEN
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« Reply #21 on: October 25, 2008, 21:01:29 »

I'm sure, I wasn't drunk!  Shocked  Cheesy Wink


* 2.jpg (34.78 KB, 419x382 - viewed 590 times.)
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CaptainMike1
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« Reply #22 on: October 25, 2008, 21:08:10 »

I'm sure, I wasn't drunk!  Shocked  Cheesy Wink

Great joke!!!!!!
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marcstrat
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« Reply #23 on: October 25, 2008, 21:14:07 »

Hoy, guy's
Well, i like the jokes to,however,dont you think this is more for small talk board??
Let me know.
Marc
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N
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« Reply #24 on: October 25, 2008, 22:56:10 »

i would think so, doesn't have anything to do with ship sim. i've got my own little story/joke

An old pirate ship is out and the first mate sees a ship and tell the captain, "enemy ship on the horizon" the captain says "ok, bring me my red shirt" so first mate gets the red shirt and they have the battle and no one dies on that ship. Soon after the first mate asks "captain, why did you want a red shirt" captain says "well if i got shot the crew would not notice and they'd keep fighting" 1st mate says "oh thats very brave sir." Next day the first mate says "20 enemy ships on the horizon" captain says "bring me my brown pants"  Cheesy
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