Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839257 times)

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #425 on:** January 22, 2009, 11:02:34 »

I have no comment what so all for this one.

Ncena1 · « **Reply #426 on:** January 23, 2009, 12:48:03 »

lol thats one of the best!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #427 on:** January 23, 2009, 16:46:22 »

Four students on highscool arrived much to late for a very imprtant exam.
The patrolling teacher told them that they could'nt take the exam because of the fact the where not on time.
One of the students told the teacher the reason they where to late: the car they used got a flat tyre on their way to the Highschool.
In that case, the teacher said, they diserved a second chance to do the exam one week later, same time, at his home.
Of course they where spot on time that day.
The teacher let them enter each a different room with just a chair and a table. On the table was the envelope with the oh so feared questions.
When they opend it there was a sheet of paper in it with just one question:
"WHICH TYRE WAS THE FLAT ONE?"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #428 on:** January 23, 2009, 20:02:43 »

Here are the pic's that go with this one: http://www.shipsim.com/ShipSimForum/index.php/topic,10830.msg140236.html#msg140236
They are in Dutch, but the text is English in the mentioned one

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #429 on:** January 23, 2009, 23:50:18 »

Foot-and-mouth virus
Atlanta, Ga.
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #430 on:** January 24, 2009, 21:20:04 »

Stock Market explained.

Once upon a time there was a stranger walking into a village. He said that he wanted to buy acorns and was willing to pay one Euro per piece.
There where a lot of oaktrees in that village, so the villagers started to collect as many acorns as they could find.
One week later the stranger came back and bought all the acorns for one Euro each, as promised. He told the villagers that he would come back next week and was willing to pay 2 Euro's a piece.
And again the villagers started to collect acorns. Although there where a lot less than a week before.
The stranger came back and payed 2 Euro's each, as promised, and said to come back one week later to pay 5 Euro's a piece.
The villagers found only a few handfull and a week later the stranger came back, paid the fiver per piece and said to come back the next week to pay 20 Euro's per acorn.
How good the villagers where searching, there was not one acorn left in the whole village and the surroundings.
One day later another stranger came to the village with a truckload full of acorns.
The villagers begged the stranger to buy those acorns. He agreed for 15 Euro's per acorn.
The villagers started to collect all the money what was in the village, even the piggybanks of the children where emptied.
At last they had just enough money to pay for that truckload.
A week later the first stranger didn't show up. Not the next day, not the next week. They never saw him again.
They lost all their money, and all they got was a truckload of acorns.
And that, Spambot and gentleman, is how the stockmarket works.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #431 on:** January 24, 2009, 23:47:46 »

Light bulbs
Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to anti-trust laws.
Q. How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

TerryRussell · « **Reply #432 on:** January 25, 2009, 00:12:49 »

Q. How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Its a hardware problem!

TerryRussell · « **Reply #433 on:** January 25, 2009, 00:14:45 »

I went to the doctors with a jelly in one ear and custard in the other.

The doctor asked, "'what's the problem?"

I said "you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #434 on:** January 25, 2009, 00:15:24 »

Microsoft Keyboard revealed!
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

RMSGreatBritain · « **Reply #435 on:** January 25, 2009, 14:09:53 »

ha ha funny!

capn_cal · « **Reply #436 on:** January 25, 2009, 15:38:24 »

that sign thing that says "click here if your stupid" i clicked on it a few times it and it does NOTHING (except change color)(and sure call me stupid)

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #437 on:** January 25, 2009, 18:09:02 »

If this car was driving in front of You:

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #438 on:** January 25, 2009, 18:32:03 »

Modify post and delete image!!

ABCRic · « **Reply #439 on:** January 25, 2009, 19:36:01 »

LOL.
Just LOL.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #440 on:** January 25, 2009, 22:37:47 »

Polar Bear Attack in Churchill, Manitoba , Canada.

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.
These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery.

The photo's are below.
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Minime · « **Reply #441 on:** January 25, 2009, 22:51:21 »

I was expecting this big huge bear, but then that little ting came up, I almost fell of my chair

Gloat · « **Reply #442 on:** January 25, 2009, 22:57:04 »

Quote from: aadjepiraatje on January 25, 2009, 18:09:02

If this car was driving in front of You:

huh?

dont get it

firestar12 · « **Reply #443 on:** January 25, 2009, 23:32:13 »

Quote from: aadjepiraatje on January 25, 2009, 18:09:02

If this car was driving in front of You:

lol. I know I wouldn't.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #444 on:** January 26, 2009, 00:21:04 »

Quote from: Gloat on January 25, 2009, 22:57:04

huh? dont get it

Ask your mum!!!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #445 on:** January 27, 2009, 22:54:27 »

OK, new one:

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1909. One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1909 :
************************************
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most Spambot only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !

Stunning, isn't it??

ABCRic · « **Reply #446 on:** January 27, 2009, 22:57:01 »

Yeah, drugs weren't drugs.

capn_cal · « **Reply #447 on:** January 28, 2009, 00:25:47 »

hay aad that stuff you typed was amazing!

Ncena1 · « **Reply #448 on:** January 28, 2009, 15:00:11 »

Quote from: Cushioncraft on January 25, 2009, 23:21:46

You'll get this one!

"Ouch! Soccer hurts! It's a dangerous sport ever!"

yes it does lol

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #449 on:** January 28, 2009, 15:30:51 »

My doctor told me: "Only one glass of alcoholic drinks a day".
Well, I can live with that advice.

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839257 times)

TerryRussell

TerryRussell

firestar12