Topic: Joke of the day (Read 806419 times)

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2600 on:** January 22, 2013, 02:22:29 »

Good one CaptainMike, that was really funny!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2601 on:** January 22, 2013, 13:11:49 »

Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2602 on:** January 25, 2013, 10:45:34 »

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

Captain Cadet · « **Reply #2603 on:** January 26, 2013, 15:20:35 »

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2604 on:** January 29, 2013, 10:33:16 »

A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Hello. Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education."

The other person says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."

The man goes on and encounters another person. "Hello. Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England."

The person says, "I not English, I Pakistani."

The new arrival walks on and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Hello. Thank you for wonderful country England!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not British."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Hello. Are you Englishwoman?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably all at work."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2605 on:** February 02, 2013, 11:22:08 »

Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his blues and twos and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

serkan · « **Reply #2606 on:** February 20, 2013, 18:05:28 »

shipsim Harlem Shake

http://hsmaker.com/harlemshake.asp?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shipsim.com%2F

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2607 on:** February 20, 2013, 18:13:46 »

Quote from: serkan on February 20, 2013, 18:05:28

shipsim Harlem Shake

http://hsmaker.com/harlemshake.asp?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shipsim.com%2F

My PC says that's an unsafe web site!

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2608 on:** February 20, 2013, 18:38:55 »

Quote from: serkan on February 20, 2013, 18:05:28

shipsim Harlem Shake

http://hsmaker.com/harlemshake.asp?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shipsim.com%2F

This is a link to the Ship Sim website.

Ralphy · « **Reply #2609 on:** February 21, 2013, 14:45:55 »

haha, that's very good.

The latest internet craze is the "Harlem Shake" in which one person starts of by dancing and then everyone else joins in with a crazy dance. That page has the ship sim website doing the Harlem shake

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2610 on:** March 01, 2013, 02:30:45 »

PLAN

(P+L)(A+N)

PA+PN+LA+LN

I foiled your plan!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2611 on:** March 08, 2013, 12:41:22 »

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...
What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Captain Cadet · « **Reply #2612 on:** March 17, 2013, 20:30:07 »

If you into sports in the UK you'll get it
Spot the welshman

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2613 on:** March 21, 2013, 16:41:02 »

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and said, I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .
The other woman responded proudly, Yes, I sure am!

The first one said, So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?

The other woman answered, I'm from Dublin , I am.

The first one responded, So, am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other woman said, A lovely little area. It was in the west end.
I lived on Warbury Street , in the old central part of town.

The first one said, Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?

The other woman answered, Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.

The first one got really excited and said, And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?

The other woman answered, Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.

The first woman exclaimed, The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!

About this time, Michael walked into the bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walked over to Michael shaking his head, and muttered, It's going to be a long night tonight.

Michael asked, Why do you say that, Brian?

Brian answered, The Murphy twins are drunk again.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2614 on:** March 24, 2013, 18:12:17 »

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

Rbsanford · « **Reply #2615 on:** March 24, 2013, 18:19:42 »

You might have heard this in the latest Family Guy (which promoted post-9/11/01 xenophobia by the way), but oh well:

If pro is the opposite of con, then what's the opposite of progress?

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #2616 on:** March 27, 2013, 21:47:35 »

Quote from: CaptainMike1 on January 21, 2013, 11:48:18

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Help Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Yours faithfully,

Manager.

Ahoy Sealords and Ladys,
Due to personal matters it's a while ago that I was here the last time.
Strolling through the jokes I have'nt read I spotted this one, and I thought I read it before.
A line copied and pated into the search box made clear why it sounded so familair.
I put it in here almost three years ago. ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg237760.html#msg237760 )
To make a long story short:
Nobody expects that a contributor to this thread reads all the jokes before he enters one, but the search option isn't there because there was an empty spot to fill.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2617 on:** March 27, 2013, 22:22:04 »

Captain Cadet · « **Reply #2618 on:** April 03, 2013, 23:46:51 »

North Wales police under cover

Stuart2007 · « **Reply #2619 on:** April 14, 2013, 11:13:08 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on March 27, 2013, 21:47:35

Ahoy Sealords and Ladys,
Due to personal matters it's a while ago that I was here the last time.
Strolling through the jokes I have'nt read I spotted this one, and I thought I read it before.
A line copied and pated into the search box made clear why it sounded so familair.
I put it in here almost three years ago. ( http://80.95.161.114/shipsim/forum/index.php/topic,10830.msg237760.html#msg237760 )
To make a long story short:
Nobody expects that a contributor to this thread reads all the jokes before he enters one, but the search option isn't there because there was an empty spot to fill.

Are you SERIOUSLY suggesting that before posting something that a poster should check every post via the search function just to be sure that it hasn't been posted before?

Perhaps you should run your own post through the search facility and you will see that you have been lord of the manor on this thread previously.

Nice to see you back, btw.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #2620 on:** April 14, 2013, 12:06:36 »

Quote from: Stuart2007 on April 14, 2013, 11:13:08

Are you SERIOUSLY suggesting that before posting something that a poster should check every post via the search function just to be sure that it hasn't been posted before?

Perhaps you should run your own post through the search facility and you will see that you have been lord of the manor on this thread previously.

Nice to see you back, btw.

Stuart you should know that is Aad's idea of a joke!