Joke of the day

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[CaptainMike1]

lol

lol

If you too don't have any jokes to add then you don't need to keep adding these spam posts. You can end up getting banned by a Moderator for this sort of thing. Please read the forum rules.

[Stuart2007]

At the risk of making things worse  Can I also suggest that should not mean quoting the entire 5 paragraphs of the post above, unless it is necessary to do so...

[CaptainMike1]

Stuart

Forgot to add that !! Really annoying waiting for it to load each time. We need Mr Marmite to have a look here!!

 

[TJK]

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

[CaptainMike1]

Oldest driver!

[RMSGreatBritain]

  lol i like!

[capn_cal]

Oldest driver!

i thought i've seen this before on this topic.

[CaptainMike1]

And this too?

[capn_cal]

Ok, bring it on!

i looked at all the pages in this topic and i didn't see it,  (maybe it was in another topic)

[Aad The Pirate]

Sit, Roach

"Hi sailor", said the barmaid, "you look like you're a little down."

"That I am, Lassie", said the sailor, "It saddens me to say that I serve under a very tough Captain!"

"That's a shame, Sweety, how bad does it get ?"

"Well lassie, recently I complained that there were roaches in me bunk. The captain gave me three demerits for keep'n pets!"

[TJK]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[TJK]

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


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A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The Spambot looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!


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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

[Biggles1975]

The last one was the best there TJK as for the first one i've heard other versions of that joke

[Aad The Pirate]

I am what I am

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain: "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain said: "Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."

I Am What I Am...honest!!

The Ship's doctor was interviewing a sailor who was, apparently, trying to get a medical discharged from the navy.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor.

"I believe I am a dog, woof - woof", responded the sailor.

"I see.", said the doctor, eyebrows raised, "How long has this been going on?"

"Ever since I was a puppy!"

[CaptainMike1]

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.  So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.  "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey.  "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to engine number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant.  It's called 'Flying Scotsman."

"Oh.  Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey.  "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant.  "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey.  "So that's settled then..... let's look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost?  We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal."

"Well," said the consultant,  "We could always just paint out the 'F

[The Ferry Man]

F lying Scotsman...

That is a great one  

Edit: Strikethrough not as clear...

[RMSGreatBritain]

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.  So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant.  "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister", said Sir Humphrey.  "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to engine number 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant.  It's called 'Flying Scotsman."

"Oh.  Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey.  "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered" said the consultant.  "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey.  "So that's settled then..... let's look at renaming 4472.  But how much will it cost?  We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal."

"Well," said the consultant,  "We could always just paint out the 'F

  lol love it so true so true........

[Aad The Pirate]

My Bait is not your Bait

John went fishing one day but had no luck at all. He noticed that another fisherman near him was catching fish one after another. He had to know the secret. He approached the other fisherman and said: "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man said: "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good, you see I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that the human tonsil works very well as bait.

The next day, John returned to the lake and, just as the day before, he had no luck. There was a different man nearby having a great time catching fish.

John approached the man and asked: "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

"Well, I can tell you but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I am using a bit of human appendix as bait."

John left, thinking this was all very strange but vowed he would give the lake just one more try.

On the third day, John still had no luck. As usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish after fish.

John needed to confirm what he, by now, already knew. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?"

The other man looked around acting a little embarrassed. "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good .

"Don't tell me," said John "your a doctor". "No," said the man, " I'm a Rabbi."

[CaptainMike1]

LOL, let's see if Capn_cal gets this one!

[Stuart2007]

LOL, let's see if Capn_cal gets this one!

SPAM WARNING: £50 says he doesn't END SPAM WARNING

[Aad The Pirate]

Talk About Garrulous!**

A man and his wife went on a four-day luxury cruise. The wife was slightly more than garrulous. In fact, she never shut her mouth. She talked at breakfast, while they were lounging on deck, at lunch, at play, and all through the night. But the husband was used to this and accepted his lot in life.

On the fourth morning, the man and his wife were standing at the bow of the ship when a lurch caused the wife to fall overboard.

A crew member, seeing her bobbing up and down in the water, ran to the husband and said: "Sir, your wife has fallen overboard!

The husband said: "Oh, thank God, I thought I had just gone deaf!


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**gar·ru·lous adj. 1. Given to excessive and often trivial or rambling talk; tiresomely talkative. 2. Wordy and rambling: a garrulous speech. [From Latin garrulus, from garrºre, to chatter.] --gar“ru·lous·ly adv. --gar“ru·lous·ness n.

[Stuart2007]

A man was seeing this really nice Spambot, Lorraine. He gets a new secretary called Clearly. He takes a shine to Clearly and she rather likes him. Things progress... 

But, being a decent bloke, he can't cheat on Lorraine with Clearly. So he thinks up several ways to tell her "it's over"... So, one day over lunch at a pub they go for a walk by a nearby river, when Lorraine falls in; The man tries to save her but then realises:

"I can see clearly now lorraine has gone"... (for those who don't get it, just think of the song)

[Minime]

lol nice one

[TJK]

Love Tips By Kids
Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne,

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave,

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the Spambot keep finding me." (Bobby,

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava,

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

[capn_cal]

where in the world did you get that tore? that was really funny